Diary Of A Redhead

[mylolita]

Doing good

 

I've been in the UK for a while. In the south the weather is not that bad as they say, not until now at least. It's the first time in my life seeing an ebb tide. haha

 

Ebb tide! Gotta say I take that for granted! I live very close to the sea (5 minute drive!) and I've got to say, there's something about the sea that's very freeing! I feel the same way when I see a horse galloping! Our beaches aren't a patch on the ones you're used too probably Dias! Weather isn't that great but you have to hand it to British beaches - they're refreshing haha!

 

I didn't realise you had a journal! I flicked through! I will be following!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Big hugs and Congratulations Lokita! I'm not on ENA very much these days and didn't know you are having a Bub. wishing you, a hubby and your baby every happiness. Xxx

 

Silverbirch!

 

Really so lovely to hear from you! Well, me neither really, just came back in a bit of a flurry but thank you for your congratulations! We're so excited! But terrified all at the same time! Ha! If you have any tips I would love them!

 

Hope you're keeping well.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

I'm really happy for you that your pregnancy is going so well. It's always great to hear that a little one is so loved and wanted even before his/her arrival. Best wishes, sincerely, to you and your family.

 

Hey itsallgrand!

 

Thank you! What a lovely comment No messing around, we're putting our all into this ultimate adventure! Nothings mattered more to me in my life apart from my relationship with my husband - it's a dream come true! We feel very lucky.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

My best friend of, oh, it must be 16 years now, is engaged!

 

I always knew she'd be engaged and married one day, and I did suspect it would be to The Good Doctor, but it was still a bit of a half surprise when she told me.

 

Taboo number 1: Is he husband material?

 

I like the guy, he seems to make her happy and that is all that matters at the end of the day, I'm not in their relationship, but, my snag about this guy simply comes down to taste in men and I can't help it, when I say men, I mean what most people think of when they think man, masculine... y'know, manly!

 

Okay, we can go back and forth with semantics and stereotypes and all of that all night and you could say what qualifies as "manly" to one personal won't to the other but we all look at Sean Connery as James Bond and no one would class him as being effeminate. Or Gregory Peck, or Clint Eastwood, or any of these old school masculine types, you couldn't argue they're not obviously and most definitely men. But guys these days, I don't know where to start, they just seem so... weak? Like Tony Soprano said in the Sopranos, "Whatever happened to the strong, silent type?"

 

I look around and I ask myself that all the time. The traditional little lady inside of me just longs for the dream era when men were men and women were women and things seemed much more simple. A lot of people would say I'm bigoted for even thinking that, wouldn't be the first time I've been accused of it! No news flash there! But back to The Good Doctor. He's one of those guys. What can I say. If a burglar stormed into the house I'd put my money on Miss G sorting it out or her small lap dog before her husband to be. There's something a bit limp about him. He's sweet and caring and cooks and washes up and goes to work and has a professional job in medicine and loves helping people and that's all extremely admirable, but if it came to the crunch and a bunch of guys started slagging off his wife to be, he'd sit there and take it and probably nervously laugh along. His handshake is like a wet rag. He exudes submissiveness. That is highly unattractive to me, but this obviously doesn't make him a bad person or a bad husband for my bestie at all, that's not what I'm saying, it's just, I find it hard to wrap my head around. The dynamics are so different to say between me and D. Those two men compared to each other are like chalk and cheese.

 

But! No matter, he doesn't need to be a tough guy. She seems very happy and he seems happy and I'm looking forward to their wedding.

 

Me and D were invited to their engagement party on Saturday night. Miss G had told me about it a few weeks before. I checked with her other bridesmaid who is her sister to see if anyone had organised to decorate the room and no one had, so I checked with her and she was over the moon at my offer to give the bar a splash of romance and make a bit of a celebration out of it because, okay, limp wrist and wet handshakes aside, I am a true, old school romantic and I am a fool and a sop when confronted with the idea of love. I can't help myself. And it made my heart warm to dress the venue and see her face light up when she walked in, even though the place was boiling and my pregnancy hormones make me feel 100 degrees in late October, so she walked into me in a t-shirt and leggings with bright red cheeks, she didn't seem to mind! I ran off to get changed before the other guests arrived. It was a nice night.

 

Taboo number 2: Don't you always secretly wonder when anyone announces an engagement, if it gets to the alter, how long the marriage will last?

 

Am I a terrible person having this cross my mind? Especially with Miss G being such an old friend. Don't get me wrong again, this is not to be confused with me somehow wishing fault and divorce on their relationship, but the thought always flashes across my mind. It's inappropriate I guess, but I can't deny I think it. Then I start thinking about all the times I've seen them together and I start wondering about all the signs and I wonder if it's a good move. Again, she seems happy and therefore, none of my business. But the thought still stands at the back of my mind. Will they be celebrating their 10 year wedding anniversary?

 

Taboo number 3: I ask myself, could she have done better?

 

Now that's just horrendous isn't it! But I can't help it, I really can't help this deep, deep, buried, maybe even subconscious feeling that keeps asking me, "Is she truly, really happy and is she truly, madly in love with this man?" Maybe I don't quite believe that. Again, how would I ever know! I'm not in their relationship.

 

I guess you just have to take a step back from overthinking other peoples lives and trust in their own judgement. I will do everything I can to support her in this and have really enjoyed going out and wedding dress shopping with her. I know it means the world to her and therefore, it means the world to me.

 

Sometimes I think my problem is I am inwardly judgemental, and I hold others to my own personal standards which aren't fair, because well, everyones idea of what a good life looks like is different and everyone has different opinions on what love is. I see D and I know without a second of thought, he would die for me. And I would do the same for him. And we adore each other. Sometimes I don't see that in couples at all, in fact, hardly ever. I think it's rare.

 

I'm not saying we're special and what a great job we do, we have our ups and downs like everyone else, but we must have something, I just know it, because people comment on it, strangers in public, and it's not because we're displaying public affection or anything, it's more than that. I think people can sense a bond. I have to be truthful, I don't sense that between my best friend and her fiancé, but Lo! Keep your mind SHUT and stop it! It's not your business.

 

One time I was talking to a lady I know who lives just outside of London near our dear friend who let us get married in her beautiful garden. I look at this woman, who's in her 50's, and I see her and her husband and I can just tell they have a really strong and stable relationship. And we talk quite a lot when I see her, which isn't often, but one topic of conversation came up amongst a lot of other divorced women, her and me. They said, "Well, how can you be certain you'll never get divorced? You can't be certain about any relationship?"

 

And she simply replied, "I know us, and I know we won't. What we have is a sure thing. That's it."

 

That amount of certainty about anything in life now is extremely rare and others, including the other women there (I could see it on their faces), think it foolish, but it struck me as perfect sense and I believed every word from her mouth. It was said with such factuality as if she was describing that the sky was blue, and I believed it with as much certainty as her.

 

It's a sure thing. And that's our thing, mine and D's.

 

Call me jinxing or foolish or an idiot or whatever for making that statement but, deep down, I just know. I can't explain why.

 

And when I look at my best friend and the idea of her walking down the aisle, as exciting as it is and as special a call for celebration, those words my London friend said come back to haunt me, and I can't help but ask myself when I see them both, is it a sure thing?

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

I've been having mixed up, crazy turn dreams lately.

 

I wake up with a strange feeling. It's nostalgia and a bit of confusion, that feeling when you're trying to hold onto what happened before you fully wake and it's lost, maybe in five minutes, maybe in a day, definitely in a week.

 

I had dreams that included an old, school crush. A real long term crush. A mutual crush! Well, it was more than a crush but nothing ever really happened between us, and I'm glad, don't get me wrong. Maybe it was brought on by the fact he got married recently and I happened to see a photo of him - he hasn't changed. I'm so happy with my lot, I wouldn't change it for the world. You know I'm madly in love, obsessed even, with my husband, but these dreams! Every now and then, they simmer up from the past and I find myself feeling exactly how I felt way past when, and I'm younger and it's all very strange.

 

I found myself on a beach, exactly like the one from 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', and in my dream I think I even thought, "Meet me in Montauk!" And then we pull up in an old, American, vintage car. Pale blue, pale tan leather interior. Smells musty, in a nice way. We're pulled up front overlooking this beach that looks like Montauk (never been, only seen the film), and then it changes to an expanse of light woodland that resembles the strip of woodland that ran alongside my old Primary School. I went back years later, and that "huge" expanse of woodland was probably 20 trees on a steep hill. It's crazy how big everything looks to you when you're 5 years old.

 

I have my feet on the dash. I'm in the drivers seat, recline. In real life, I have a longish, pale pink, wool cardigan. I love that thing. I always dread the day it becomes too warn and I'll have to throw it out. Anyway, that cardigan is also on the dash and in the dream I find myself thinking about how sad I'll be when I have to throw it away.

 

And I turn to my left and Joe is there, my old crush, the guy I used to spend years of my school life thinking and paining myself over, and so did he, but we both never told each other until he told me right before we left, and I froze, and I must've known we weren't a good match really. The heart is a funny thing.

 

I feel like we're 14... or are we 16? I'm looking down at my slim legs in a pair of dark denim, high waisted jeans I used to wear all the time around that age and I'm thinking in my head, I must be 16. And I say, "I don't want to give you the other cardigan... I don't want to leave it here. Should I? I don't know." And I look towards the car dash again and there are two, exactly the same, pale pink, fluffy woollen cardigans. My favourite. But I'm now paining myself about leaving one with Joe. I want to take them both.

 

And then I'm 5 years old, in my mum and dad's old kitchen, which was an un-fitted, free-standing wooden 60's thing that was hideous when you were 14 and had your mates over but now would probably be considered oh so edgy retro cool. Just my luck.

 

I walk across the lino that needs replacing. I see the old, white fridge freezer. Slim, small. Going rusty in one top corner. I know my mum's secret stash of sweets and chocolate are on top of that fridge in a basket. But I go to the old, familiar wooden drawers. They have a strip of stainless steel metal across the whole top in a ridge to form a handle. I open it, knowing fine well this is the "sweetie drawer". I see all the old halloween style sweets that I used to eat in front of the TV in the 90's when I was a kid. I realise, I am a kid. Or am I still 16? I want to go take some sweets so badly, but I know it's naughty, I need to ask permission, and then I realise I'm in a drawer in my Grandma and Granddad's kitchen. My Dad's mum, who's very prim and sweet but proper and she would think badly of me if she came in and I was thumbing through her drawers. I can smell that old smell of her house. It's a mixture of Sunday dinner cabbage, potpourri from a display bowl in the hall and having a very clean home mixed with high heating on all the time. I never liked that smell much and I don't like it now, not in this dream. I turn towards the open door to face the hall. I think I hear someone coming.

 

I look up after a "woosh" feeling and I am facing a dimly lit, public pool changing cubical. I look down and I see my nude, quilted swim bag, black shoulder straps hanging casually down on each side. I can see a white towel poking out the top. Good. I would hate to forget that. I know my Grandma and Granddad are outside waiting in the reception area. I've been to my aqua natal class but the swimming baths is much bigger - huge in fact. I pack up the rest of my stuff and slip my feet into my velvet trainers. My feet are slightly damp on the bottom. Didn't dry them enough. I hate that. I feel a bit cold. I can feel that I'm pregnant now. Happy to be aware of my bump.

 

I walk out and the cubical stands seem to go on forever, it long, darkly tiled strips. I can see feet in some of the cubicles. I can hear women casually chatting, some laughing, some asking questions, others changing in silence. I can hear the laughs and faint screams of children from the large pool somewhere far behind. I can smell the bleach and the chlorine. I want to talk to some of the girls. I need to ask them some things. I'm so unsure about everything to do with this pregnancy. They know things I don't know? I need to know them too. But I don't have the courage to knock on one of the cubical doors, and I know my Grandma and Granddad are waiting and they're giving me a lift home in their very tidy, extremely neat but very old and unstylish Honda.

 

Everything opens out into a reception area. We're in one of those awful public 60's buildings, a British mistake, the architecture so awful it can't really be described anything but bleak. Some cord, dark mustard carpet since 1960 I find myself thinking. I'm looking down at my velvet trainers. My feet still feel damp. The ceiling is curved upwards, high glass. It's quite a sunny day. The clouds are parting.

 

On some beat up, musky green chairs sit my Grandma and Granddad. My Granddad has a cap on, like he always does when he's out. A tie, a smart bomber jacket, some built up white trainers that don't quite sit right with his smart suit pants, the crease like a dart down the centre of them, my Grandma's perfect ironing and trouser press making sure of that. She gets up a bit gingerly. She's wearing her usual pleated, ankle length skirt, a nice wool jacket with a gaudy broach on the lapel, a bit of blusher and her grey hair in those ancient, permed curls.

 

"Your Grandma is not very well." I realise my Granddad has said this but he hasn't moved his lips. He's just looking at me and there is now an office to my right. We are ushered in by nobody but a force to move along and there sits a terrible, laminated, fake wood 60's desk, an awful dark green chair that matches the furniture in reception. A house plant in the corner. A man is looking out the window in a white coat. But then he's in a business suit. And I realise it's not my Grandma who is ill, who died in real life a few years ago, but it's me, and I'm going to get some bad news, and I'm surprisingly calm but this is all so strange? Why now? Why them? Where are my parents? Why am I in the city I moved to with my husband but I feel like I'm back home somewhere I grew up?

 

I wake up. Strange, mixed up dreams. It's so funny when you can remember most of them, and you often find yourself wondering, what do they mean?

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

When I met you in the restaurant

You could tell I was no debutante

You asked me what's my pleasure

A movie or a measure?

I'll have a cup of tea and tell you of my dreaming

Dreaming is free

I don't want to live on charity

Pleasure's real or is it fantasy?

Reel to reel is living rarity

People stop and stare at me We just walk on by - we just keep on dreaming

Feet feet, walking a two mile

Meet meet, meet me at the turnstile

I never met him, I'll never forget him

 

Dream dream, even for a little while

Dream dream, filling up an idle hour

Fade away, radiate

 

I sit by and watch the river flow

I sit by and watch the traffic go

Imagine something of your very own

Something you can have and hold

 

I'd build a road in gold just to have some dreaming

Dreaming is free

Dreaming

Dreaming is free

Dreaming

Dreaming is free

 

- 'Dreaming' Blondie

[mylolita]

Dusk is falling and the sky is a beautiful Autumn turquoise against the orange of the street lamps.

 

I've always loved this time of year. There's a kind of romance for me in dark nights and the crisp cold. I am very excited about the idea of being 8 months pregnant, in a velvet dress, hanging decorations on the Christmas tree with the open fire blazing. I was over the moon to realise this bubba was a January bubba! People think I'm crazy! They can't understand my obsession with Autumn and Winter but I feel the same way about it as they do about Summer - the inner Viking in me must be revelling in the new found cold! I wilt in the summer. My pale skin can't take the heat! I always think summer is overrated. Maybe it' the fact I always seem to be naturally counter-culture or something but hey, I'm team Winter. Winter needs some love.

 

I've been trying to broaden my horizons, meet new people, especially new mums to be. It's been interesting and pretty fun up to now. Everyone thinks I'm naturally social and outgoing and I guess I do enjoy meeting new people on the whole, but I always have to force myself a little. I'd rather recluse it most of the time and stay at home. I don't find myself craving attention from others in that way, or validation, or even comfort in chit chats and all of this. But when no one else has stepped up to the mark, I always find myself centre of the party or the main person keeping conversation flowing.

 

On that subject, have you ever known anyone who needs constant praise and validation? God, exhausting work! The joiner who works for us a few days a week CONSTANTLY needs praise like a little child! He hints and rummages for it endlessly. You can never say you're happy with something and something looks great enough times for him. He'll be fishing for a compliment half an hour later about one thing or another and sometimes you just don't have the time or the energy to keep up that level of praise, especially since he's a fully grown man.

 

I've never understood those types of people. I couldn't be more opposite. In fact, I find it very difficult to take a compliment and I'm happy to not have to deal with them. True, it's lovely to get a pat on the back or a kind word but really, my world doesn't revolve around praise in the slightest. As long as I'm happy and content with whatever I've done, that's good enough for me.

 

I'm longing to get this house finished. I keep walking around doing daily chores and peeking my head around the nursery room door, seeing all the unopened boxes of furniture and baby things stacked up and it makes me happy and desperate at the same time - I just want to get going! It's becoming a real frustration to not be running around anymore, lifting heavy things, doing everything for myself. Some women revel in the vulnerability but it's an irritation that I can't prance around like a mad woman getting things done like the clappers when I'm in one of those energetic let's do this thing moods.

 

I can hardly complain though, up to now I have absolutely adored being pregnant! I find myself in a constant state of delight and wonderment. I carry the beautiful burden of feeling just oh so lucky around with me everyday, and I wake up each morning to new kicks and movements and the realisation all over again, fresh from deep sleep, that I'm pregnant and our baby will be here soon.

 

The perfectionist in me wishes I'd done some things better and wishes the house was perfect and finished and delightful and ahh! But, y'know, I have to realise, next time ay! Next time, hopefully it'll all be done in time for the next babba if we're lucky and the only thing I'll have to worry about is running after another baby or toddler whilst juggling morning sickness and day time naps!

 

It's really funny where life takes you. You never know where you're gonna end up. I'm feeling more and more optimistic; I'm not sure why. I'm flooded with a new type of euphoric love, a similar type of "walking on air" you get when you first fall in love romantically and nothing can or ever could be wrong for awhile. I think I'm falling in love all over again and at the same time seeing D in a new light - I'm seeing him not just as my soul mate, partner in crime, husband and lover but as a Daddy, and it makes me want to well up sometimes. Oops, hormones!

 

Maybe people have this given to them all the time when they announce to friends and family they're expecting for the first time, but surprisingly and very pleasantly we've had a lot of comments along the lines of, "You'll make great parents." And, I find myself really enjoying the idea of that. I have to allow myself to take it as it's said and not try to doubt it as a false compliment. To be good parents would be one of my biggest achievements and I'm determined to do right by our baby as much as I can. My best friend was talking about the old "good cop, bad cop" parenting roles and maybe this is not a good thing, but I think we're both bad cops! BAD MAMA! I do have a strict side! But, we're softies deep down. Who knows. We'll do our best.

 

We went out to dinner with some of D's clients at the weekend and ended up coming back at 1:30am. They are both in their early 60's and I always like to ask around for life advice from anyone who's been alive awhile. I find it fascinating. You hear some really insightful things. So, okay, this isn't the most original line, it's been heard before, but when it was said it does make perfect sense. He said, "Appreciate every second, because life is short and it's gone in a blink of an eye."

 

I'll be 28 in December. Nearly 30 really. I never though I'd be saying that for what feels like so soon. When I was 18, 30 seemed a billion years away and people who were 30 were seriously OLD. But corny as it sounds, it HAS been a blink of an eye. He's God damn right, and I don't want to waste another moment.

 

Life is too short to be arguing, unappreciative, depressed, negative, anxious, hateful, bitter... I know those emotions are part of life but we all waste so much precious time on these sapping, unhelpful emotions. When you think about it, we've spent years, wasted years, a slave to these awful, petty feelings that only ever hinder us and never help.

 

I've made a start on a film I've always been meaning to see - 'Gone With the Wind' - and in the film, the plantation owner has a plaque on his house that reads:

 

"DO NOT SQUANDER TIME.

THAT IS THE STUFF LIFE IS MADE OF."

 

Lo x

[dias]

Oh you are a December person Explains why I enjoy your journal!

[mylolita]

Oh you are a December person Explains why I enjoy your journal!

 

Hey Dias!

 

Do you love December too!? And thank you!!!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

I've been feeling extremely romantic lately... more so than usual, and that's saying something, especially coming from this old romantic.

 

I've been thinking (I know, a dangerous past time!) and I talk to friends and men, I really love talking to men, and I find myself thinking how apparent it is that most of them have never really been in love before. The romantic inside me thinks that is just the saddest thing.

 

And it makes me think back to a Bryan Adams song my mum used to play constantly in the car while me and my sister were growing up in the late 90s. Maybe my mum is responsible for most of my adult feelings to do with romantic love and the like, growing up on soppiness like this but I can't help but have a sweet spot for this song and especially the lyrics.

 

I found myself thinking as a little girl, sitting in the car looking through window I could only just see out of, that one day I wanted a man to feel that way about me, and that is how exactly a man should feel about his woman.

 

Anyway, without further ado, a give you a love injection, curtesy of Bryan Adams. And men, you have to ask yourself, have you ever really loved a woman?

 

Lo x

 

To really love a woman

To understand her, you gotta know her deep inside.

Hear every thought see every dream

And give her wings when she wants to fly.

Then when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms,

You know ya really love a woman.

 

When you love a woman, you tell her that she's really wanted.

When you love a woman, you tell her that she's the one.

'Cause she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever

So tell me, have you ever really

Really really ever loved a woman?

 

To really love a woman

Let her hold you

'Til ya know how she needs to be touched ,

You've gotta breathe her, really taste her

'Til you can feel her in your blood.

And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes,

You know ya really love a woman.

 

When you love a woman,

You tell her that she's really wanted.

When you love a woman, you tell her that she's the one

'Cause she needs somebody to tell her that you'll always be together.

So tell me have you ever really,

Really really ever loved a woman?

 

You got to give her some faith, hold her tight

A little tenderness, gotta treat her right

She will be there for you, takin' good care of you

You really gotta love your woman.

 

Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms,

You know ya really love a woman.

 

When you love a woman, you tell her that she's really wanted

When you love a woman, you tell her that she's the one

'Cause she needs somebody to tell her that it's gonna last forever.

So tell me have you ever really,

Really really ever loved a woman?

 

So tell me have you ever really,

Really really ever loved a woman?

Just tell me have you ever really

Really really ever loved a woman?

[mylolita]

I finished watching 'Gone With The Wind' - my God! What a film!

 

I realise it's a classic and everything but I have developed this huge taste for the old films of golden Hollywood. Something I can't put my finger on fascinates me no end about them. The lines, the scripting - it's completely different to anything you hear in modern films. Classic lines, some absolute heart wrenching and deep lines, and they are always so simple. There's beauty in it, even if it is melodramatic and soft focus lit, there is a definite beauty and glamour to it all.

 

This film has affected me in some way and I can't seem to get any of it out of my head.

 

The leading role played by "The King" Cary Grant is especially fascinating and very intoxicating. There is something oh so very masculine about him and the way he revels in outwardly and proudly declaring he is no gentleman has an old school anti-establishment devil-may-care future James Dean feel to it but it's wrapped up in this classic, roughly charming package that you see very, very rarely these days. It's as if men like Rhett Butler have nearly gone completely.

 

Watching the character Scarlett O'Hara - I felt like I'd already known her character for all my life. A very strange, bizarrely comforting feeling as soon as she'd appeared in the very first few scenes. Her strength is very captivating. But it's not a modern kind of feminist strength... it's a pure, selfish will to carry on and win no matter what. Her similar thinking throughout the film seemed to be "tomorrow is another day". I guess I find myself operating like that inside my mind. Maybe we all do? I'm not sure. Something so familiar!

 

The scale, scope and drama of the whole thing took me away and I was fixated for nearly the 4 hours of the total film. I desperately want to watch it again.

 

The only other film I've ever re-watched straight after seeing it for the first time was 'Vanilla Sky' - an all time, life long favourite of mine. It always will be.

 

I had recently met D, and I used to finish my shift at the cocktail bar on the high street very late, maybe about 2:30am, and instead of taking the walk back to my parents as dawn broke in the summer, I used to sneak back to D's cottage down this cobbled ally. There was a glass Victorian wall light next to the front door that was always at night, and against the slowly lightening sky, I always thought what a magical vision it was, beckoning me to what always felt like home. Because, as I learnt, wherever he was, home was.

 

You would enter through this little, ancient front door, straight into an unlit kitchen. Tiled floor, an open fireplace filled with half burnt candles, not logs, the dried wax drips over exposed bricks - a huge porcelain sink always piled high with unwashed mugs and saucers. Creaky wooden stairs straight ahead. I'd walk up them into the first floor living room. Vaulted ceiling with exposed, 15th century beams. Tiny, old cottage windows, no sign of the sky in one, just the dim, silent, cobbled street. A sky light behind his couch framed the newly brightening sky perfectly. I always felt the most refreshing sensation looking up at that window, right up in the vault of the old cottage. It made me sad slightly, like a trapped bird, but sometimes elated, like I could fly anywhere, just the sight of it giving me a strange strength. I was 18 and full of hope and I knew exactly where I was going and exactly where I wanted that to be.

 

As soon as we'd seen each other, sleepy as I was, we were both filled with the insane energy new love gives you, and we'd passionately and slowly made love straight away on his living room floor. We laid slumped together on his lazy couch, the room completely dark apart from the glow from the TV.

 

"Have you ever seen a film called Vanilla Sky?" I shook my head. And this strange and haunting film played and, I could feel D had fallen asleep behind me, his arms still wrapped around my waist and shoulders, his breathing slow and deep, but I couldn't stop taking in what I was watching. I felt close to tears towards the end. I think I did cry. He stirred and said something about bed. I told him, "That film! What was that film?!" And we played it straight away again.

 

It's always stuck with me, has Vanilla Sky. I guess because of that I will always remember that night. Maybe I'm crazy, letting things like certain films, pieces of music and particular books affect me so but when it happens, which is rare, it's as if I've been shown something, as if a curtain has been drawn back to reveal a secret I never knew. I can't quite describe it. A special moment.

 

'Gone With The Wind' has had a similar affect on me and really, I can't quite tell you why. I just know I love that movie, and I loved and hated the feeling it gave me.

 

Maybe I'm mad to go on about movies like this! Maybe it's too late to be going on about this now, but I have to be honest, I just adored it. The whole thing was like an old friend, as if I was looking back on a past life and I'd lived through all the emotions before.

 

Which I guess leads me to my point, my final toast!

 

Here's to the moving picture - sometimes, pictures say things words cannot.

 

Lo x

[Seraphim]

It wasn't Gary Grant it was Clark Gable. who play the male lead in Gone With The Wind.

[Jibralta]

I finished watching 'Gone With The Wind' - my God! What a film!

 

Did you ever read the book? It's excellent.

[Seraphim]

Did you ever read the book? It's excellent.

It was. I read it in grade 6.

[dias]

Hey Dias!

 

Do you love December too!? And thank you!!!

 

Lo x

 

I was born it December too!

 

And to answer your question, I love women yes but never really loved a woman the way you mean it. Who knows, maybe someday...

[Silverbirch]

Oh, I loved that book " Rebecca" by Daphnr Du Maurier. Very different type of book to "Gone Woth the Wind", but my very favourite -"Wuthering Heights". I know a lot of people just didn't "get it", but to me,mist was amazing. Both books are haunting in different ways.

[Jibralta]

I loved Wuthering Heights, too. I think I've heard of Rebecca. Haven't read it, though.

[Silverbirch]

So many good books and not enough time to read them.

[mylolita]

It wasn't Gary Grant it was Clark Gable. who play the male lead in Gone With The Wind.

 

Whoops! School boy error there! Can I blame baby brain?

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Did you ever read the book? It's excellent.

 

Hey Jibralta,

 

No I haven't! I think I might love to try! I need to cram in all the reading I can before things get too crazy!

 

Do you have any other book suggestions to try?

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

So many good books and not enough time to read them.

 

I second that Silverbirch!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Lord, I am in such a mood tonight! And I don't think I can blame this cheeky bump of ours!

 

I keep wondering, what fate am I to be handed regarding this birth? I've gone from quietly confident and almost -sure to feeling nervously out of control which is probably nearer the truth to how this whole "giving birth" thing goes in reality!

 

It started seven days ago with my 31 week midwife appointment. Everything has been as near perfect and healthy and uncomplicated as anyone could hope for, and I think I just presumed it would carry on that way. Now, I'm not breaking some horrible news, the baby is absolutely fine and healthy and I really shouldn't be complaining, other babies and mothers have it much worse, but she had a good feel around and kept stalling and feeling and not saying much, and I kind of started to wonder a little as she's normally a chatty, lovely thing, and she says, "Hmm, baby is breech - this is the head" and she took my hand and pressed it just under my right rib which, I admit, has been so uncomfortable with a feeling of pressure lately, and there is was, a hard big lump, what we thought was just a chunky bum is baby the wrong way round.

 

Whhhhhy! Why are you rebellious already! This is one character trait I really didn't want the munchkin to take after me! I kept thinking, naughty baby! Why can't you be good like all the others and get head down and just be nice for me and make my life easier! And then the midwife motioned for me to get up off the examination bed, sat me down and said, babies do turn naturally, you still have time, but if baby doesn't we will have to schedule a c-section. My heart dropped straight away because I always envisioned a natural birth and this just didn't come into the picture, plus, I've never had an operation before and I'm pretty terrified of them. I used to have dreams where I was under the knife and they hadn't given me enough pain relief and I could feel everything! Horrible.

 

I left the office feeling teary but also thinking how ridiculous I was being, things could be so much worse after all, what's the big deal? Plenty of women have caesarians. And I was starting to think a few stretch marks on the tops of my thighs were the worst thing this pregnancy had dealt me.

 

I got into the car and burst into silent tears, crying into my scarf, concerned people could see me and worst of all, pity me, or think something drastic had happened but then I would have to explain and confess I was a drama queen and was probably being overly sensitive. I called D straight away after I calmed myself down and turned the heating on to de-mist everything. He told me I was being silly (as he always does) and that everything is fine and it'll probably turn, I shouldn't worry, silly thing. I was comforted for a few seconds but the drive home was filled with thoughts of dread going round and round.

 

I am lucky in so many ways and so very blessed to be having a baby, I guess the perfectionist in me couldn't possible consider even a small hiccup like this. I am just, fingers crossed, really crossed(!) that this rebellious little bump will turn and stop being a transverse bubba!

 

And then I got talking to my best friend Miss G. She's getting married in July and is obviously very excited for this and has already told me she plans on having children straight away. She's had to persuade the husband to be to start trying sooner, and she likes the idea of getting pregnant first time, first month, on her honeymoon night.

 

She keeps talking about this and I understand her excitement, and she asked me how long it took me and D, which was about 4 months but I never tracked my ovulation or anything like that which, I considered quick really, but she is absolutely set up on getting pregnant straight after her wedding. I try to tell her in the most un-patronising way that it is of course possible but not that likely, but she says my friend got pregnant on her wedding night etc. and then I just started thinking about the first time I was pregnant when I was much younger and, God, it made me feel terrible. The thing that made me think about it was because it happened first time I ever stupidly had unprotected sex with D. We'd been together 3 years already but, I won't go into it, but just the talk of first time and all of this brought back the memories of being sat in the car with the pregnancy test and I couldn't stop crying and saying out loud "But how could it happen?! First time and after taking the morning after pill? The only time and it happens, the one time." And in some bizarre, twisted way we were very lucky, but not very lucky at all, because it wasn't the right time by any means and well, I will always wonder now and then, what if we'd gone ahead with that pregnancy? How life would have panned out so much differently? Who could say.

 

I've never told anyone that. It is a secret between me and D and no one else in the world knows apart from any stranger who may read it here. And my friend is talking about getting pregnant first time and it just fills me with those memories and I almost can't stand to even discuss it with her. She'll never know but, I don't know, what is there to know and why would I tell, it makes no difference to her or to me or to what happened.

 

The house on the other hand is in hectic mode. I'm 8 months pregnant and builders are coming in the next few weeks, bearing in mind my due date is 29th January, this also fills me with quiet panic. The mess, the noise, the disruption. I hate the dust building work causes. And I do all the cleaning, and it's harder now. We have 6 flights of stairs in this town house and by time I've finished hoovering the 4th the shine starts to wear off with a huge bump. I can see why the people who used to live here had a maid. Well, I am the maid now!

 

So Miss G is asking about the house and everything and then she mentions how annoying it is that she has to rub oil into her wooden kitchen top twice a year and how much of a pain it is and I just think, oh my God shut up! Has my patience totally worn out? Am I becoming one of those testy, irritated, heavily pregnant women?! OH NO! And I'm selfishly thinking well we have antique sideboards that are supposed to be shined with bees wax every couple of months and the wooden floors are supposed to be polished but they have never been done in 2 years - oh first world problems! But who cares! I'd never moan about that to her, just sounds so bourgeois. And then she says yeah I'd like kids but I'm not looking forward to giving up drinking and going out and I'm sat there thinking and seething, you're having a baby, it's a beautiful gift like no other, trust me, missing your nightly glass of wine really doesn't compare! And I find myself getting irritated with her, thinking every complaint is pure nonsense and I get this distinct feeling that she only wants children and pesters her fiancé into trying in a mad rush when they've only known each other 3 years and bought a house last year and decided to get married all at the same time because everyone else she knows is having children and she always does what she thinks she should be doing rather than what she wants too. She even said, "We've decided we'll have 2 or 3, probably 3, because everyone I've spoken too has said they regret not having a third." And I'm sat there thinking, but what do YOU want? Not other people. What to YOU think? Do you have your own opinion?!

 

I don't know, am I a bad friend for thinking this? And she goes on... oh, I won't get full maternity pay for a year if I quit my job because I need to have been there for 2 years. But, she will still get far more than the statutory maternity pay a lot of other women get even if she quits. And I start to think well, I don't get any! Or sick pay! Yet I never complain and she wouldn't even know that probably because I've never mentioned it. I just feel lucky. My husband runs his own business and we're both classed as self employed! So that's a penny more than me! And then she goes... oh, we won't be able to go on 2-3 holidays a year, we wanted to do more travel (they would go away for a month or two and do a big travelling holiday) and I think well, we haven't had a holiday in 2 years and no one gives us holiday pay, again, self employed, you get nothing, it's all on your own back, so your holidays cost you twice, and yet, we don't complain, my husband feels grateful to be his own boss and control his own salary to some extent and grow something that is his own creation.) And she goes on and all the while my sympathy is waning.

 

The main thing is, I hear her go on and on about these things and I think what jars with me the most is that, of all the times I've complained or ever moaned about my situation, is this how people are thinking about me? Poor spoilt brat? Get over yourself! And I realise it is so unattractive and just awful. And I recognise something in her that I think is in me, and it repulses me for that second and makes me do a 360 on my own personality. I start thinking back on all the times I've whined and complained and been a complete nightmare, never appreciating what I have, when I have it. Ironically, I'm ranting about her ranting, and I'm doing my own head in with it let alone anyone else! Maybe it is my pregnancy mood but I could hardly stand it and felt no compassion towards her at all.

 

I guess I have a bit of a weird friendship with this girl. She's my nearest and longest known friend, but I've always had this suspicion regarding her personality that I've never seen her true self and I don't actually know what she really likes because, I don't think she does herself. She copies everyone and everything until when you speak to her it's almost like talking to a wall with a mirror. She always reflects yourself back and you never quite get to the bottom of anything with her. You never know what she's really thinking! And she's exceptionally fragile to any hint of criticism, so you do have to patter around and I know I could never address this with her in a friendly way, I have tried to before and she shut down, wrote me a letter asking me to never speak to her like that again and that was that. Completely bizarre. She suddenly out of the blue wants children because she says me and her other friend have made her broody which, I understand is a common thing, but sometimes I wonder. If someone asked me why I wanted children, it would be because I always have, as soon as I met D I knew he was the one and I wanted nothing more than to make a home and a family with him and to be his wife. But it's not because other people are having children or I see a lot of pregnant women around.

 

A couple of months ago, she sat opposite me in a girlie heart to heart and said she didn't value marriage and didn't care about it, she thought buying a house together was more of a commitment, and then a few months later her fiancé proposed (after what she hadn't told me was a year of nagging him to do this, sometimes ending in fights I imagine) and she said she'd cried and said thank you when he got down on one knee, and then when they got back to the UK she went behind his back, took the cheaper ring back that they'd chosen together and bought a much more expensive one without him and then told him later! And then had the cheek to suggest her Mum's engagement ring hadn't been a "forever ring" and that her Dad had gotten her Mum an "eternity ring" which she told me is much more expensive than an engagement ring or wedding ring and you wear it instead of those other rings.

 

It kind of blew me away that she was even thinking about a future upgrade after JUST majorly upgrading the ring her fiancé and her had chosen. She said he had accused her of being a diva and I could see why. I said to her, "I could never think of changing my engagement ring or my wedding ring, they mean too much for me in a sentimental way, and I think losing them would be one of the worst things for me. Call me sentimental, but I want to have them on my finger when I die."

 

Maybe that was a bit intense, but it's completely and truthfully how I feel about what an engagement ring or a wedding ring represents, and to throw them away after 10 years for a pimped up, diamond explosion that really means not that much when you've hit 40 and have a bit more spending power just seems to cheapen everything and make the rings before it pointless. And this is where we both differ I think. And she couldn't understand where I was coming from.

 

She also told her fiancé that he had to get her a maid or else she's not cleaning or he'll have to do half of it and she can't manage it with working, even though he works much longer hours than her as a doctor. And they fought about it and then she got her way, and she has a cleaner who comes around and cleans her relatively small house. Four bed but small, we're only in the UK and houses aren't spacious like in America. And she said to me, "I'll get my way on deciding when we have kids like I did with getting him to buy the house and getting a dog". She pestered this poor guy for nearly half a year when he really didn't want the responsibility of a dog and dragged him to adoption centres when she knew they couldn't give it their full attention (they have had to hire a dog walker). And she openly admits her boyfriend had sleepless weeks worrying about purchasing the house they're in because he didn't think it was a good decision and investment, but she jumped in guns blazing as soon as she saw it and pressured him to put a deposit down. (It's not, in my opinion, a good investment at all).

 

She's got into debt on a credit card he knows nothing about and just, you know, I could go on, everyone has their faults and I am as guilty as anyone, or more so, for being materialistic, but listening to her and just letting it all soak in I think a penny dropped and I realised how selfish I had been and how selfish she had been and then I realised how I realised this was not the way to go on and suddenly I understood the distance between us.

 

I can't believe someone could compare the decision to having a baby as the same kind of decision as whether to get a dog or buy a house, to me, there is no comparison. And what I would really want to ask her is what her motivation is for having a baby? Why does she want one? It's rude, but that's what I'm thinking when she's babbling on about this decision openly like she's wondering whether to purchase another dress. Is it just another phase or fad she thinks she should be getting involved in, or does she think it'll be a nice accessory to her life? I'm really not sure, and these thoughts I'm having about her kind of scare me and also make me feel like I'm the bad person for even thinking them.

 

Oh dear, a rant within a rant. Here we go.

 

D called mid-way through my typey rant rant and I mentioned this conversation I'd had with Miss G and all he could say was, "Why are you even friends with this girl? You have nothing in common. Nothing. I told you this years ago. You're incompatible on every level."

 

So he was right all along, as per! Annoying. I knew it deep down as well, but again, there is a selfish and nostalgic part of me that doesn't want to let this person go simply because of the sheer time we have known each other, invested and all sorts, part of you hangs onto it like a bad relationship I guess thinking, well I've come this far, I might as well carry on! It's no good. But how on earth do you tell someone you think you've completely drifted away from them? Or even worse, you never were compatible even from the start, but that you clung to each other out of necessity because school can be a harsh, lonely place, and having someone there all the time is a comfort, even if you don't click with them on a personal level?

 

And I'm her bridesmaid next year which makes this all the more painful. I feel like if I am to even bring this up it will have to be, out of respect for her, after the wedding, or... I don't know, is that actually worse? I'm so muddled. I really don't know if I'm in the right here or if I'm blowing this out of proportion but I feel like if I was being honest with myself and Miss G, this whole thing should've come to an end years ago.

 

Oh dear.

 

Oh and bombarding you with pregnancy drama as well. Oh dear oh dear!

 

Lo x

[Silverbirch]

Oh yes,mai think your friend sounds a bit loopy too.

 

I hope your feeling okay Lolly. I remember I was fed up like most women at the end. I just wanted to have it all over and done with. At the same time,mI was nervous as it's hard to know what to expect.

[Silverbirch]

Please Look, tell us about your Baby!

[mylolita]

Please Look, tell us about your Baby!

 

Silverbirch!

 

Words can't describe! I am in awe and absolutely knackered at the same time! I'll fill you in - I hope you're very very well!

 

Lo x