Diary Of A Redhead

[Fudgie]

What sort of board games do they play?

 

I'm kind of a board game nerd myself though I can understand why you'd be frustrated with the crowd. My boyfriend and I go play games with folks a couple times a week and yes, there are some guys and girls there who are clearly lacking in social skills. I love games and K and I always have a couple two player games on hand for us, but if you can't handle silence or talking without playing something, then that's not good at all.

[mylolita]

This morning I found out I am pregnant.

 

I honestly didn't want to get my hopes up - 6 months of kind of trying and a few times I had convinced myself it was so, but this time was different. A few nights ago I just couldn't get to sleep with the thought of the possibility going through my mind. I kept checking the clock. 5:30am. I finally got my head down, but from that point I just sort of knew.

 

I waited a few more days to take the test; again, I didn't want to build my hopes up or D's. We were so desperate to start a family.

 

And when those two pink lines appeared straight away, I started shaking - "!" That's the first thing I said! Not in a bad way, just, oh my God!

 

It feels so surreal at the moment. I guess you could say it hasn't sunk in. We've spent all morning talking about names and hugging and kissing and going back and forth into the room we know we want as a nursery. I keep hearing so many stories of miscarriages that I really don't want to go overboard.

 

This is going to be a huge secret to keep from everyone for a few months. We've decided it's maybe the wiser thing to do.

 

I just HAD to share my news with someone other than my husband somewhere, somehow! I guess this is where I spill all my private, stupid, dramatic and silly thoughts and I knew this had to be my first port of call.

 

A little Lo or a Mini D. Heaven help us!

 

I feel so very lucky.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

What sort of board games do they play?

 

I'm kind of a board game nerd myself though I can understand why you'd be frustrated with the crowd. My boyfriend and I go play games with folks a couple times a week and yes, there are some guys and girls there who are clearly lacking in social skills. I love games and K and I always have a couple two player games on hand for us, but if you can't handle silence or talking without playing something, then that's not good at all.

 

Hey Fudgie,

 

So great to hear from you!

 

They play these weird what I think are almost "social aid" games like you get these cards and you have to match something up to make the weirdest or most funny sentence you can?

 

There was also another one I forgot because I got myself so wasted, it was something like you have to tell if someones lying or not or match a sentence or picture to another card someone else has chosen, almost helps if you know the person as well as you can? Like an in joke thing?

 

I don't mean to judge, I think any hobby is sweet and everyone can like what they like but it's enforced on other people and surely not a normal adult thing right?!

 

Lo x

[dias]

This morning I found out I am pregnant.

 

I honestly didn't want to get my hopes up - 6 months of kind of trying and a few times I had convinced myself it was so, but this time was different. A few nights ago I just couldn't get to sleep with the thought of the possibility going through my mind. I kept checking the clock. 5:30am. I finally got my head down, but from that point I just sort of knew.

 

I waited a few more days to take the test; again, I didn't want to build my hopes up or D's. We were so desperate to start a family.

 

And when those two pink lines appeared straight away, I started shaking - "!" That's the first thing I said! Not in a bad way, just, oh my God!

 

It feels so surreal at the moment. I guess you could say it hasn't sunk in. We've spent all morning talking about names and hugging and kissing and going back and forth into the room we know we want as a nursery. I keep hearing so many stories of miscarriages that I really don't want to go overboard.

 

This is going to be a huge secret to keep from everyone for a few months. We've decided it's maybe the wiser thing to do.

 

I just HAD to share my news with someone other than my husband somewhere, somehow! I guess this is where I spill all my private, stupid, dramatic and silly thoughts and I knew this had to be my first port of call.

 

A little Lo or a Mini D. Heaven help us!

 

I feel so very lucky.

 

Lo x

Congrants Lolita! Great news

[Fudgie]

Hey Fudgie,

 

So great to hear from you!

 

They play these weird what I think are almost "social aid" games like you get these cards and you have to match something up to make the weirdest or most funny sentence you can?

 

There was also another one I forgot because I got myself so wasted, it was something like you have to tell if someones lying or not or match a sentence or picture to another card someone else has chosen, almost helps if you know the person as well as you can? Like an in joke thing?

 

I don't mean to judge, I think any hobby is sweet and everyone can like what they like but it's enforced on other people and surely not a normal adult thing right?!

 

Lo x

 

Hey Lo

 

I know what kind of game you're talking about, kinda like Cards Against Humanity? I'm not really a fan and I only play those games if I'm drinking. I find other games way more entertaining instead but you can't drink if you play them or else you can't concentrate and you'll lose.

 

I do agree with you that it's not fun if it has to be forced. I pretty much only play games with people I've met through a special group which includes only adults who like to play board games. Forcing people to play, frankly, is boring because they don't have fun, they don't retain the rules well, and that's not fun for me either.

 

For me, board games are definitely the new normal. I actually can't remember the last time I went to a bar that didn't involve board/strategy games. My boyfriend and I play several a week both together and with others. But I respect that they aren't everyone's cup of tea and that is A Okay.

 

I hope life is going well for you. I left my job and am now back in school so my new home is the library now.

[mylolita]

Congrants Lolita! Great news

 

 

Thank you Dias! So sweet!

 

I've been walking around in a bit of a surreal haze today! I keep looking down at my stomach and weirdly have these moments where I except to see a huge bump even though I must only be 1 - 3 weeks max!

 

I feel ready now at 27 - well, kind of grown up but not totally

 

How're you?

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Hey Lo

 

I know what kind of game you're talking about, kinda like Cards Against Humanity? I'm not really a fan and I only play those games if I'm drinking. I find other games way more entertaining instead but you can't drink if you play them or else you can't concentrate and you'll lose.

 

I do agree with you that it's not fun if it has to be forced. I pretty much only play games with people I've met through a special group which includes only adults who like to play board games. Forcing people to play, frankly, is boring because they don't have fun, they don't retain the rules well, and that's not fun for me either.

 

For me, board games are definitely the new normal. I actually can't remember the last time I went to a bar that didn't involve board/strategy games. My boyfriend and I play several a week both together and with others. But I respect that they aren't everyone's cup of tea and that is A Okay.

 

I hope life is going well for you. I left my job and am now back in school so my new home is the library now.

 

Fudge!

 

That's what it was! Cards Against Humanity!

 

I completely agree - I imagine it's great if you're into it but when it's forced, no good! Like forced fun, it's never s good idea!

 

I can't believe you have left your job! What a change! What are you studying towards, sounds great!

 

Life is hectic and very giddy at the moment - I just found at this morning I'm pregnant which is an amazing, in the clouds feeling as me and D have been trying for half a year now.

 

Update me please!

 

Lo x

[Fudgie]

I'm so happy for you! Pregnant! That's so exciting! Have you gone to the doctor yet? Do you know how roughly far along you are? Probably not much if you have been actively trying and looking for signs!

 

Yup, I left my job. I am getting another Bachelors degree for another healthcare job. I'll be done in one year but that means I have very little life/free time now because I am cramming in so much. I will pursue my Masters in a few years but my future job will pay for that (and if I want to get a doctorate, it will pay for that too) and I'll be making a LOT more than I have been, so it's all good.

 

My boyfriend has moved into my apartment so he is covering my expenses while I go to school which is nice. He works 50-60 hour weeks and is studying for some tests too so we are both really busy and don't have a lot of downtime but seems to be working out so far since we make time for each other and sometimes social events for friends.

 

I really enjoy being a student again.

[dias]

Thank you Dias! So sweet!

 

I've been walking around in a bit of a surreal haze today! I keep looking down at my stomach and weirdly have these moments where I except to see a huge bump even though I must only be 1 - 3 weeks max!

 

I feel ready now at 27 - well, kind of grown up but not totally

 

How're you?

 

Lo x

 

I am doing great, thanks .

 

27 seems so young! But you say you feel ready so we are happy for you

[journeynow]

Congratulations! How are you feeling?

[mylolita]

Congratulations! How are you feeling?

 

Hi journeynow,

 

Thank you for your congrats!

 

In all honestly, I'm feeling like I've just got onto an emotional roller coaster ride and can't get off! The first weeks emotions on finding out ran in the following order: shock, overjoyed, excitement, pensive! Second week has just been an awful mixture of hormonal rage! That's the only way I can describe it. Like a woman's worst moodiness before or during that time of month x10. A few friends have felt my wrath and I have apologised and felt pretty embarrassed. It's as if I am not in control of my mood anymore - an awful feeling!

 

Apart from the insane mood swings (flipping from extreme happiness to extreme irritation!), I've felt just so very tired. I've been reading up a lot (I think like most new, nervous mums do, even if it the baby was planned), about all the different symptoms women go through and the main symptom seems to be exhaustion, especially in the first and last trimester.

 

I think because you can't visibly see I'm pregnant, my husband thinks nothing has changed yet and apart from letting the joiner lift heavy things from now on he doesn't get my strong desire to simply curl up and have a huge nap at around noon. I am definitely not a nap person. I've never napped in my life! But my God, it's almost overwhelming, the urge to go to sleep midday for me. I have to fight to keep my eyes open and I'm yawning constantly.

 

I don't know if you are a mother yourself but you may be able to relate to this - it's the worst thing! Plus, strangely, I have found this is teamed with insomnia on a night. Again, never had any trouble going to sleep ever in my life, but I find myself exhausted through the day, struggling through without giving into sleep and then I'm up till 1am, normally 2 or even 5am last week. Part of it is maybe excitement and my mind racing, but it's like my body clock has flipped on me and my night should be my day!

 

I don't want to make this some massive overshare of info so I'll leave out most new symptoms (haha!) but my boobs are killing me and I have bad cramps all the time, most days. I read this is normal also, but of course the hypochondriac in me instantly thought: "Etopic pregnant definitely Oh my GOD!" D has already spent most of the week reassuring me whenever I get any cramps or pains. I've heard it's because everything is stretching and moving and changing around in there that it is only natural.

 

I have gone and done something I should've held way back on though, for the sake of sensibility and also because it's early days (I think I'm about 6-7 weeks pregnant), is go out and buy a bunch of clothes that are easier and more comfortable for growing bumps! I even bought a lovely, slinky, dark plum, high necked maternity wrap dress because obviously the first thing I thought when I got the news apart from blissful joy was: "Oh my God, what am I going to wear to dinner and parties?!" I had to sort that out straight away! Mind is more at rest now! I can't wait to rock some feminine maternity style! I think women can look so glowing and pretty when they dress and embrace their bumps instead of trying to hide them in huge baggy sacks of tops!

 

I have also vowed to myself that I will try and always keep my nails painted, lipstick on, hair done and have a face pack once or twice a week and still retain being a wife and a woman who looks after herself even during pregnancy. I think a little glamour daily will help me still feel human. It has helped up to now anyway, but again, only early days, I might still yet fall to pieces and end up in a baggy sack with my hair all askew and odd shoes on!

 

Excited to get over the 12 week first scan hurdle because I have heard the risk of a miscarriage reduces after that time.

 

Have you got any advice re. cooking a bun in the oven? Any nugget welcome!

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

Dear Diary!

 

Rain rain go away, come again another day.

 

All I can describe the weather over the past few days is... a storm! Wind, torrential rain - huge drops that drum the window and shake our wooden panes - cold and dark. The constant rain is made even worse because last week was glorious. It was like summer had arrived, and my God, it arrived! Beautiful heat, that warm glorious heat that makes you forget there is even a day you could need a coat. Blazing sun. We live a five minute drive from the beach and swarms of people were out eating ice-cream, walking along the front in shorts and t-shirts, celebrating the weather. And then this.

 

Part of me secretly doesn't mind. I'm such a home bird, a stay at home indoor type of girl, that gorgeous weather just makes me feel guilty because a part of me would still prefer to be inside. There is nothing more peaceful to me than curling up, warm in bed with the glow of a movie on the laptop while the rain pounds the house and the heavy rustle of the trees in wind breathes constantly outside. Lovely. The world could end and I would die happy.

 

It's been hard not to let the news of my new arrival consume my thoughts every second of every day. It's difficult to not get too excited. D is very sensible, logical and practical and one night I was away with the fairies searching the internet and had slipped (on purpose, of course), into the world of BABY! Pushchairs, car seats, accessories, nursery interiors! I kept mentioning things to him: "Look at this!" or "What do you think of this?!" and he was distracted and nodding and didn't even seemed interested. I asked if he was okay, and he turned to look at me squarely in the face, held me by both my arms and said, "I want this baby so bad, I don't think you know, and the thought of anything happening to it could break me. So I'm trying not to think it's a real person yet. Just incase. I can't wait to celebrate with you, but not yet."

 

And I understood completely. He's been so caring as well. I've always been really strong for a girl. I don't look it, but I am, I think I get it from my Dad, he's just a really naturally strong bloke. We've been doing up this house and we have a joiner come 2 to 3 days a week and he always shouts me for help and I always lift the most crazy things, no problem. I always lift heavy cases to do with D's business and working on antiques, I life heavy furniture a lot as well. He told me I can't and I completely agree, so we had to break the news to the people I work with, D's assistant (who is also one of our best friends), the joiner and another restorer who works for D. They all congratulated us and agreed of course, light duties for Lo from now!

 

I turned to D and winked, "Easy street for me now!" I'm only joking... ha!

 

It's hard to motivate myself to do anything on the house or any restoration work but I desperately have too. I feel so tired and sluggish, all my panache has left me and I feel like a husk dragging myself around, getting through each day by trying to just keep my lids from closing. I can hardly concentrate too. I get all my words mixed up and I am so forgetful, even more than before - that means it's bad! Baaaaad. I am so forgetful anyway. Do they call it "baby brain?"

 

One good plus is that I don't feel hungry at all and no morning sickness yet. No hunger. It's like that link and signal from my brain to my stomach has been taken away and I could go all day without eating a morsel and not feel like I'd missed out on anything. I have to force myself to eat. But I feel like drinking all the time. So much water.

 

Maybe it's such a lot to take in, such a big change to get your head around, that you feel mentally tired anyway just thinking about it? I'm not sure. I do feel so different though, so very different. I feel very... protective. As if my maternal instinct has just popped right out and I am in protection mode! I have something much bigger and more important than myself to look after and care about. I don't come first anymore. My needs are secondary. It's like a switch was flipped overnight and suddenly I would do anything, as long as the little baby growing inside me is healthy, happy and safe.

 

I am supposed to be going out with a few girls this Saturday to a German beer festival. I hate beer, I really hate it, so when this was all getting planned before I knew I was pregnant, I was looking forward to getting smashed on Schnapps, and we're all dressing up as German wenches, I have a blonde wig and everything, but now the thought of putting on a tight, short dress and lying to them with some rubbish reason why I can't drink is filling me with dread. I just want to spend time with D and look forward to everything with him. Every social event is an obligation now. I have no energy for anything but concentrating on being healthy, getting rest and trying to get the house finished... call it maybe a nesting instinct or something, but it's I am now only consumed with making everything perfect for when our bundle arrives.

 

It's strange but, when we got married nearly 3 years ago, even though we didn't have children of our own, I felt like we became a family. Now, we definitely are becoming one. Two plus one. Sounds like a whole to me

 

Lo x

[journeynow]

Ah, yes, what you describe brings back memories! I remember that energy/exhausted feeling. Maybe energy isn't the word, but the physical feeling that your body is doing something incredibly intense that you have no control over. It's more than a bun in the oven, it's a factory that's kicked into full-tilt production, all systems go, creating this whole other person! Your body is increasing your blood volume (30, 40, 50%?) for one, and pumping that all around, 24/7. Take good care of yourself, eat well, rest when you feel tired (it's harder to bounce back), and oil your body daily with wheat germ oil to prevent stretch marks! That's what I remember most. (My kids are both 30-somethings.) Oh, and squats. ;-)

 

Do you have any food cravings?

[mylolita]

Ah, yes, what you describe brings back memories! I remember that energy/exhausted feeling. Maybe energy isn't the word, but the physical feeling that your body is doing something incredibly intense that you have no control over. It's more than a bun in the oven, it's a factory that's kicked into full-tilt production, all systems go, creating this whole other person! Your body is increasing your blood volume (30, 40, 50%?) for one, and pumping that all around, 24/7. Take good care of yourself, eat well, rest when you feel tired (it's harder to bounce back), and oil your body daily with wheat germ oil to prevent stretch marks! That's what I remember most. (My kids are both 30-somethings.) Oh, and squats. ;-)

 

Do you have any food cravings?

 

Hi journey,

 

Oh God, great advice! I think I forget some major change is going down because I don't have this huge baby bump yet! It's really hard for me to take a nap during the day - okay, I know that sounds terrible since I work from home, but everyone else my husband employees comes to the house and they're all working hard and I often feel like if I slink off it'll be "Oh there goes the bosses wife, she can do what she wants, we can't!" I know they know I'm pregnant now but I think the general consensus is just to carry on and set a good example.

 

We're desperate to finish the house as well - we started a huge renovation just under two years ago and still need some bathrooms doing and the kitchen sorting and, I could go on!

 

I have to make an appointment with the midwife and I'm thinking, "Oh my God, she's gonna come in here and think, you can't raise a child like this!!!" But I'll be like, that mahogany sideboard is from 1720 though isn't that important to the baby? Hahahaha! Priorities are all wrong we need to stop thinking like a young couple without a bun on the way!

 

Credit to D though, he is going to get us a family car which I am very grateful for and over the moon with. I'm excited for that to arrive.

 

And no food cravings whatsoever! No appetite whatsoever! Just a massive craving for lots of water! I could drink and drink all day. Did you?

 

Lo x

[Fudgie]

What kind of car are you looking to get?

 

I have what you may know in the UK as a Honda Jazz. Actually, so does my boyfriend. It's a cute little car with seats that fold flat. I know a couple who use it with a baby seat and they do fine but if you're planning on more than one kid, I can't recommend it. One baby seat is enough in the back of that car.

 

When I grew up, my parents had a minivan. It got absolutely disgusting because, well, children, particularly me, I was a messy child. My best advice is to have a "kid car" that you don't mind getting dirty and if having a nice "adult" car is important to you, then keep one separately and use it for your leisure. Or let D use it if he's going to he traveling for work and you can keep the minivan and use with the kid(s).

 

Oh and when they get old enough, get yourself something nice!

[mylolita]

Hi Fudgie,

 

Well, in an ideal world we'd love about 4 kids all one after the other if I was able too! But for now we're thinking of sticking to just one car, we're lucky enough to be looking at a Mercedes estate saloon. I understand where you're coming from when you say mess! Well, actually, I don't really because I've never had children myself or even looked after young children for anyone else so wow, maybe we'll get a huge surprise trying to keep the interior nice! But, thats the plus of leather right, wipe down?! My mind is thinking of something else when I finished typing that, nothing to do with children's mess but it could consequence in another baby being made if you get my drift!!!

 

Hope you're well,

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

D is away, I'm sat on the couch we moved in from our previous flat, looking out of both sash windows symmetrically and elegantly in front of me. As I do this, I am 6 months pregnant.

 

Seems like time has flown and with all the planning, or lack of planning, or a bit of everything, business, house things, baby things, I feel like I should still be a month in and fresh from finding out.

 

I remember how big I felt straight away, how tight my close cut jeans were so soon and the feeling of excitement and trepidation and everything else that goes with finding out you're having a baby after trying and wanting. Two becomes three, and sooner than I'll probably know.

 

A lot of people used to say I was grown up for my age, but I don't know, I wouldn't of put it that way before. But since that stick turned blue I have to say, there has been the biggest change within me. I feel like I have swung through stages. Disbelief, relief, excitement, worry, protective anger, curiosity, joy, and then a kind of slow sinking in as this surreal situation you are thrust in forces you to come to realise reality and, I think I'm just starting to get to grips with it and believe I am actually pregnant, as silly as that sounds.

 

I didn't show obviously to anyone else but my husband, my mother in law and my own family, so for months I just walked around almost, well, not in denial, but I could almost imagine everything was as fresh as the morning I took the test and there was not even a physical hint of our baby. Now, at 6 months, it's become obvious and although I adore our cheeky bump, the size of it has forced me to realise time goes fast and our baby is coming - soon!

 

Having this slow, creeping realisation and then a sudden chunk of reality swung at you, maybe the biggest responsibility you will ever face in your life, has caused a change in me that I can't quite put my finger on. I'm still the same, but there has been a lot of growing up going on behind the scenes, in my minds eye or something or whatever a hippy would call it, I don't know, deep down in my being, I can feel myself change. I'm no longer just me, I'm a mother. It's a warm, intensely protective and emotionally connected feeling. When we lay in bed on a night and I can feel the kicks getting stronger and stronger, and my husband rests his hand on my stomach, there's this feeling of massive connection between us all. Maybe this is what being a family is like? If it is, it's heaven, even in those little moments. Pure bliss teamed with fear! A heady mix.

 

I think we've both been on an emotional roller coaster ride. D rolled over half asleep one night, and I cuddled in a tight spoon, as tight as my bump would let me. We both snoozed and woke up an hour later. He was groggy and slumped over onto his back, half awake. I said, "We both loved our cuddles from Daddy." That was the first time I ever called him Dad. And he put his hand on my stomach and his eyes were cast down, but I could see his lids were blurred and there were traces of tears in his eyes. The first time I've seen him emotional like that in years. I didn't say anything more. He didn't have too.

 

I've been feeling so much more emotional lately. I tear up at all sorts I normally wouldn't, a total slave to my hormones, it's awful and I hate myself for it, but it seems like all control has left me in that department.

 

D was working in London last week for a few nights and asked me if I wanted to come along, said it wasn't going to be busy and it would be a really relaxing nice trip. We still need so much for the house, including a kitchen(!), so he promised we could have a look around some interior shops, fireplace shops, etc.

 

We were walking around Habitat and we stopped at some graphic prints or whatever, I'd never be interested, and he held his hand up, his other hand supporting his wrist underneath. It's the hand that was really badly broken by a fall he had doing the house off a ladder. He turned his arm over and I could see the awful, raised scar he has down his wrist and arm there from the operation, and his finger was just shaking and twitching on its own accord. "Look at that" he said, "It's been doing it today!" And he seemed more curious than anything, but worry instantly flooded me and I just thought of the worst diagnosis ever and, oh my God, he's got Parkinsons and we have a baby on the way and I'll never see him again.

 

We walked on and I could feel my throat tightening up and hot tears starting to well. I could feel the illogical panic rising. The whole shop was going blurry. This contemporary basement setting with surrounding interior nick knacks wasn't exactly the scene for a hormonal health scare breakdown. He'd taken my hand and we were still walking and I was swallowing trying to not let the tears spill over because once they roll down your cheeks you can wave goodbye to control.

 

He was talking and must've sensed I'd gone quiet, turned to me and looked totally surprised. "What are you crying for!?" He clasped me by both of my arms. "I don't know, I just worry about your hand." And then I could feel my lip quivering. So pathetic! And I said, "I don't want you to die! Please don't die!" And he just kind of laughed and grabbed me and drew me tight into him and squeezed me. And what he said couldn't of stopped me crying. In fact, it did the opposite. I almost couldn't stand it. He said, "Even if I did, the love we have would never die, and no one could take that away from us." And he squeezed me again and said, "Come on, stop it now, whats this about! What do you think it is?!" And I whimpered, "It's a sign of Parkinsons!" and he laughed a sympathetic laugh like he normally does when I go on hypochondriac worry sprees. "It's not daftie, it's where I hurt my wrist. Come on."

 

We walked back hand in hand in silence, my other hand on the top of my bump. I can't tell you, honestly, he's not normally the soppy kind of say overly stereotypical "movie" romantic lines, although I think almost everything he does for me is highly, highly romantic - but those words struck me even though I knew them before he said them and I knew he felt that way, people's eyes tell you how they feel and I can read D like no one else and he can read me, but to hear them out loud in such an unlikely place in such a stupid hormonal, tearful burst, made my heart ache and I couldn't shake it all day. I hate it and love it all the same time... whenever he says out loud what we both know to be true. It's almost like, if you say it out loud, it has to be fully acknowledge and it's almost too much for the heart to handle.

 

The truth is, I fear loosing him all the time, and I know a day will come when he's not around, and I dread that day with all my being. I just hope, selfishly, that I don't ever have to go through it, because I know he's stronger than me.

 

But all this morbidity when I should be focusing on being pregnant, I know, but it just makes you think, makes you grow up, makes you realise your own mortality I think. This baby, our baby that is ours, will grow up, and hopefully have children of their own, and then we'll die, and we'll be good memories, if we do our job right. And life goes on. It's beautiful, but the part of you that loves life and loves living never wants to let go.

 

I feel like, proper life is just going to begin for us when our little bump comes into the world. I feel like, life began when I met D, all the other time I was in life's waiting room, waiting for something truly important to happen, and now, it's almost like I've faced my purpose. I don't mean to sound bleak or too scientific or to take the romance out of any of it but, in some lovely way, I feel like life will be complete for me when I'm holding our baby in our arms with my husband by my side. All we have to do then is face the future together, and make sure it's a good one. What better way to spend your time?

 

People call me old fashioned all the time. Well, the polite ones, anyway. They say, "You were born in the wrong era." The ones who are a little more... forward, shall we say, call me stupid, brain washed, anti-feminist, a bigot, and then usually start an argument with me then stop speaking to me or just delete me from social media without even the courtesy to tell me that's what they intend to do. But, if I'm stupid for only wanting three things in life; love, marriage and children, then send me to the idiot asylum and throw away the key.

 

So many of my female friends who are no longer my friends now (their choice), because I'm so different to them or have such preposing views, say I'm just doing what men and society have told us for years, that I'm a slave to culture or expectations. But the reality is, everyone I know my age isn't married, isn't having children. I'm actually bucking the trend here by being traditional and proud to be. I've always wanted all of that and given everything to my relationship and got everything I've wanted out of it in return. Is that so awful? Does that make me an airhead? Doing my own thing, pursuing my own life, pursuing my own dreams, desires, wants? Doing what makes me happy, not other people? Not caring what society says is a "superior lifestyle".

 

As I'm getting older, I'm getting bolder and more and more confident in my life decisions and principles, and I have very strong convictions. Strong convictions are things people I used to know seem to lack. I don't need to agree with someone 100% of the time to be their friend, in fact it's nice hearing a different view point, but some people I've known can't seem to stomach being friends with someone who's not exactly like they are. Doesn't that make for a boring world?

 

Anyway, growing up, nurturing, wanting a family, all of that are just things myself and my husband craved above all else. And we're happy. Anxious, yes. Nervous, yes. Stressed to get the house finished? Under immense financial pressure whilst juggling a business? Yes. But happy, in love and with a baby on the way - most certainly. Even if at times I am teary eyed. And also, crying amongst teal vases.

 

Lo x

[mylolita]

It looks like the long odessy that has been mine and my sisters turbulent relationship has finally, eventually, come to some kind of finale. The relief is lovely.

 

I'm not going to bore you with the background. It doesn't really matter in the long run anyway. Chalk and cheese, thats us, all through our childhood and definitely well into adulthood. Final argument came when she pulled blackmail and manipulation and water works and hysterics like a 3 year old tantrum toddler because I didn't invite her drug dealing, shifty boyfriend to our small, private wedding. I had only met him three times, my husband had seen him once. She blew up, big time, like only my sister can. Queen of drama. But not the fun drama thats kinda funny or even the diva type where you think, hey, they're fabulous though it comes with the parcel. Just nasty, evil, manipulative drama. And all the while my parents stood back and almost supported her, never took sides, but never blamed her when she was obviously in the wrong.

 

After trying to destroy my wedding day, split up me and my husband and then leave us a nasty message inside a wedding card insulting my husband she thinks after a few months it will all blow over and we'll be back to faking best buddies so she can call up, lend money and borrow shoes and dresses whenever she wants, all the while telling everyone she knows behind my back that I'm a selfish b***h, which really is a reflection on herself, not me. But whaddyado. I'm not perfect, but the difference between her and me is she pretends and thinks she is. It's a bad combo mixed with a really bad personality. Bad traits. They're on my mothers side.

 

Anyway, what can you do.

 

But after three years now, three years of marriage, all the while after our arguments and everything thats been said, hurtful and I'm not sorry's and all of this, we've been placid with each other for a few years. I even (regretfully) buckled into the pressure from my mum and dad to take her out even, against all my internal judgement I started making the effort with her! God knows why. I just felt the pressure. Maybe I cared too much what people thought. Maybe I thought I wasn't being a good, older sister. The protective part of me is still there. I'd do anything for her if she were in real trouble. That will never go away. But I just can't forgive her, especially when she's not sorry.

 

She's been texting me for weeks, random stuff like "Hiyyyaaaaaaa! You okays?! and basically having conversations with herself, because I haven't been replying, on purpose.

 

I got another one tonight asking if I was okay, still in that crazy, overly upbeat tone, almost manic. And before you start jumping on the therapy label excuse wagon like "Oh well she's obviously bipolar thats why" or "split personality for sure she needs help" please - let's not excuse it and let's call a spade a spade, she's simply an a** h**e. That's my professional diagnosis anyway.

 

My reply to this was simply to explain that I'm keeping my distance and ignoring her texts after what she did. I said, why lie? Why pretend we get on? After what you did, we're at a stale mate. You're not sorry. How can we move on from this. Let's keep this civil and stop pretending. Don't text or call me unless it's an emergency.

 

And all she can say is "Yeeeaah no worries XxXxxX" like it's all just a brush off and whatever. Honestly. This is why I get so mad. And then a couple of minutes later she has the nerve to say, "Thanks for finally being honest with me XXX" I'm thinking, the nerve of that b***h! She's pretended like we're best buddies for years! Texting me all this ridiculous c**p! And she has the nerve to say thanks to ME! As if she was waiting on MY MOVE?!

 

Honestly, chalk and cheese... everything she does and says irritates the hell out of me. It's like having a back and forth with a 13 year old girl.

 

What's really taboo is that I'm relieved and glad, yes, really glad, that I no longer have to smile to her and pretend for my mum and dad that everything's hunky dory. I already broke the news to my mum and dad how I really felt, as if they didn't know already, they weren't surprised. They tried to resist, I knew they would. Can't you just? And, if you just talk? Trust me, talking has been done and done. So have arguments. It's wash your hands time and I don't even feel bad.

 

It's like, I'm that far removed from her emotionally that I care about friends more. Friends I hardly see! It's probably sad in a way but you really can't choose your family, the world is not fair like that. And the taboo is that I am glad, because she won't now expect a huge part in my babies life when it's born. She hasn't seen me once during my pregnancy. I don't expect any thanks or congratulations from her - nothing. And I'm glad! Is that bad? I hardly care anymore.

 

Family!

 

Lo x

[Fudgie]

Lolita,

 

I am really happy your pregnancy is coming along nicely. I had the honor of assisting with a few births recently and have been taking care of post partum mothers and I have developed a new appreciation for child birth and child rearing. The human body is so amazing! You are creating life. LIFE. Isn't that just amazing? I think you're going to be over the moon when you give birth and yes, it will be overwhelming and scary at times too (I did some education with a new set of parents the other day and I had a little chuckle about how shell-shocked they looked, teehee) but I know you and D are going to be great parents.

 

It really saddens me when people call you mean things because you are following your path. And this is coming from me: love, marriage, and children are not big in my life. I love being with K but I have more utilitarian reasons to stay than go and he adores me, I don't want to get married, and I am irreversibly sterile. And it still really p__sses me off that people are saying that to you when you are just doing what makes you happy. Your life has no bearing on theirs just as theirs has no bearing on yours.

 

All we can do is make ourselves happy and live lives that are full of purpose and meaning. To some, that means family, to others perhaps a fulfilling career, maybe to others it is some passion or intense hobby, or religious pursuits, what have you...really, can be anything or not much at all, depending on the person.

 

Their lashing out at you says a lot more about them than it does about you. Those who are anti-feminists are not the ones who choose to be homemakers and have children...its the women who put other women down for no other reason than "you're different from me". So pay them no mind!

 

Also, I have to add, did you know that the UK has excellent outcomes for babies and mothers in terms of infant and mother mortality being very low? Much lower than the US! You're in a good place, I think. Far better than here. Your baby will be here before you know it.

[mylolita]

Lolita,

 

I am really happy your pregnancy is coming along nicely. I had the honor of assisting with a few births recently and have been taking care of post partum mothers and I have developed a new appreciation for child birth and child rearing. The human body is so amazing! You are creating life. LIFE. Isn't that just amazing? I think you're going to be over the moon when you give birth and yes, it will be overwhelming and scary at times too (I did some education with a new set of parents the other day and I had a little chuckle about how shell-shocked they looked, teehee) but I know you and D are going to be great parents.

 

It really saddens me when people call you mean things because you are following your path. And this is coming from me: love, marriage, and children are not big in my life. I love being with K but I have more utilitarian reasons to stay than go and he adores me, I don't want to get married, and I am irreversibly sterile. And it still really p__sses me off that people are saying that to you when you are just doing what makes you happy. Your life has no bearing on theirs just as theirs has no bearing on yours.

 

All we can do is make ourselves happy and live lives that are full of purpose and meaning. To some, that means family, to others perhaps a fulfilling career, maybe to others it is some passion or intense hobby, or religious pursuits, what have you...really, can be anything or not much at all, depending on the person.

 

Their lashing out at you says a lot more about them than it does about you. Those who are anti-feminists are not the ones who choose to be homemakers and have children...its the women who put other women down for no other reason than "you're different from me". So pay them no mind!

 

Also, I have to add, did you know that the UK has excellent outcomes for babies and mothers in terms of infant and mother mortality being very low? Much lower than the US! You're in a good place, I think. Far better than here. Your baby will be here before you know it.

 

Hey Fudgie!

 

Aw girl! Honestly, what a lovely comment! We really can't wait! We're terrified, obviously! I think everyone is, especially with their first, it's all so unknown and everything is new but I know it'll be worth it! I've really almost, I don't know, psyched myself up for the birth?! Maybe it's the Viking in me! I don't know, I just feel like whatever it throws at me I'm going to carry on and just do it and be strong - millions of women do it, some alone in awful countries with no medical help at all. Whatever happens it will be over at some point, so I'm going to try and enjoy the journey as much as I can and worry as little as possible!

 

Thank you for your support regarding, man, is it women in general?! Why so catty! I feel like women naturally compete with each other or compare each other. I've always done my own thing, I don't care what other people are doing, as you seem to do as well, and I respect that attitude in anyone. Sometimes life is hard and you have to make your own path and have a bit of "Don't Give A F**k" attitude or you'd crumble to nothing! I think sometimes people mistake this for not caring what people think which, I care a lot less what people think than maybe most people, especially since getting comfortably into my 20's and my own skin, but it doesn't mean I don't entirely, and it doesn't make me a heartless b***h! Fudgie - you sound like a stand up woman and I say power to you, that's what a strong woman is, doing her own thing and leading her way in her own life. I've known a lot of sheep in my life and it's a sad affair. They constantly look up to others for their next move, so dependent.

 

I applaud you in your career in medicine as well - what a fantastic job, and especially getting to work with young babies! Wow! I think that's something I would adore! I am sure it's full of stress and sometimes great sadness but, what a trip! It is mind boggling. All for free and for nothing, not much work really you create this whole new life that is going to rely on you for a long time (well, not too long, I'd want to raise my children to be independent and fly the nest as soon as possible!), but, y'know what I mean. I guess we could go on and on because it is a natural wonder.

 

Apart from the odd dip, I am really enjoying being pregnant. I always felt I would! Me and D used to talk about it and joke about it. I used to say to him sometimes whilst in the car "Will you look after me when I'm huge and pregnant?" And with a wink he'd say "Of course, you'll look so cute" and, well, he's stuck to his word! Bless him. What a man. I'm sure K supports you in whatever means the most to you and thats really something in my book.

 

I know it's a cliche, but even through a rough patch of morning sickness, everyone has commented "You look really well!" and my awful, can't take a compliment mind always presumes that means FAT! But I mentioned it to D and he laughed. He said "But you do! Really! Idiot, fat!" I feel glowing! And even though I take naps now (what are they? Such weird things!), I'm in my honeymoon stage of pregnancy where everything seems to be pretty normal apart from the bump! Still no huge boobs though, which is a shame, coming from a flat chested girl!

 

Lot's of midwives have said how small I am for how far along I am, but I'm not worried because everything has measured perfectly. And it's nice of you to reassure - I've never really heard anything bad health care wise about the midwifery here and my experience has been pretty good up to now, considering I'm not private. You do hear horror stories regarding the NHS about many other things, but you're bang on, I never hear anything bad from mothers that gave birth. So fingers crossed!

 

I'm hoping to get the house finished, parts of it really still are a building site. It's been a long roller coaster of 2 years to finish this project and we've been forced a deadline here. D has been working his a** off to pull things together and get funds. We've luckily been able to buy all the baby essentials and more a few months ago, everything's waiting in the nursery to be put together etc. I'm itching to do that, I really am! Our joiner just needs to build me a slim cupboard/mini wardrobe beside the door and I'll have to be held back to set that thing up! Maybe it's too early? I'm not sure!

 

I've been to lots of exercise classes and aqua natal sessions in our local pool. The women I've met have mostly been great. I seem to get on with women in similar situations to me. They all seemed more mature for some reason, a lot were in long term relationships, married, with homes of their own and other babies or a baby on the way. Lots of women I used to know, most of who were at my wedding or even bridesmaids for me are still doing what 18, 19 year olds would do - in artsy, part time careers, living with their parents, jumping from guy to guy or forever renting, and I understand it may seem like I'm judging them, I guess I am in a way, but it got where we had nothing to talk about in common, and they became more and more distant towards me, and now since becoming pregnant I haven't heard from two of them, one deleted me out of nowhere on God damn social media (the curse of it), and no one asks me how I'm doing or anything to do with the baby. It's so bizarre. I went out for a meal with a friend and her friends, and no one even asked me one question about my pregnancy, it's as if they are didn't want to know. They were all career types or kind of, dossing around from thing to thing, and just wanted to complain about life and gossip. I don't even think half of them asked me my name. Plain rude in my opinion.

 

Anyway, maybe people are just more narcissistic and self absorbed now? And this is really rich coming from me!!!

 

What's your plan career/medicine wise? Have you chosen what speciality you want to go into? I'm not sure if the American system is different from the British - my best friend is engaged to a doctor and we end up mixing with a lot of his friends now, who are all doctors.

 

Lo x

[dias]

Long time no see Lolita! It's always a joy reading your journal.

[mylolita]

Long time no see Lolita! It's always a joy reading your journal.

 

Hi Dias!

 

Very kind of you to say! How are you?

 

Lo x

[dias]

Doing good

 

I've been in the UK for a while. In the south the weather is not that bad as they say, not until now at least. It's the first time in my life seeing an ebb tide. haha

[Silverbirch]

Big hugs and Congratulations Lokita! I'm not on ENA very much these days and didn't know you are having a Bub. wishing you, a hubby and your baby every happiness. Xxx

[itsallgrand]

I'm really happy for you that your pregnancy is going so well. It's always great to hear that a little one is so loved and wanted even before his/her arrival. Best wishes, sincerely, to you and your family.