lisa725 Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I have been dating a guy for some time now. He is a great guy and has a lot of friends. I have known that he has been friends with a female since we first met. She lives in another state but is originally from our area and they grew up together. I do not know if anything has happened between them in the past. I do know that she did have a boyfriend until about a year ago. I do also know that my boyfriend went to visit her when she had a boyfriend but also has been to see her 5 times in the past year that she has been single. He talks about her a lot. She seems to have a lot of the same interests as him. He likes comic books and metal bands which are 2 things I can not instantly get into. She also likes those 2 things. I do not have to ask a lot of questions about her because he talks about her a lot. He is planning a trip to go see and her and he did ask me if it was ok and I told him yes and that I trusted him. I also told him to remember that it is a 2 way street and if I want to go spend the night with my male friends then he can not say a word about it. But He asked me sometime ago. We had another conversation about him going out there and I said I would love to meet her. He was very taken back by that and kind of stuttered. I asked when she would be coming here and he said not for some time. I said that sucked because I want to meet her and that it would have to wait until she comes out here because it be imposing if I went out there. He started talking about how it would be too hard to do around my schedule and I said I can always adjust my schedule. And he said oh well there is only a couch out there and I said he can sleep on the floor. I am not sure if I am right or not about him being in love with her. I also have no clue how to talk about it with out it turning into an argument. Link to comment
missmarple Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Have you ever talked to this girl? Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Heh....sounds like his friend doesn't even know you exist or that your bf is not single. Could be that he is infatuated with her or could be she with him and that flatters his ego. Her finding out that he is not single might be inconvenient either way and it seems like he wants to avoid that. Link to comment
Kendahke Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I find it suspicious that he balked at you meeting her. You both can go sleep at the Motel 6 or something like that. You don't have to sleep at her place... or you can bring an air mattress and both of you sleep on her floor if there isn't any space in her house. I would be very uncomfortable with him going to visit her, too. Link to comment
Doc Blaze Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 sketchy that he was taken back by you wanting to meet her...My best friend is a female and has been for 13 years..Everytime i date someone i always give them the heads up..saying this is my best friend..have them meet..get to know each other..sometimes they end up doing girl stuff (shopping) when im busy or something lol...me and my friend always try not to do things like that would make her SOs uncomfortable or communicate whats going on. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Yes, the worrying thing here isn't so much the opposite-sex friendship, as the fact he doesn't want you to meet her. If someone's a close friend, it's natural to share all the important stuff in your life with them - and that includes your partners. In fact, she should have been one of the first people to hear about you. You're the only person who really knows how important your relationship with him is, but I'd be backing out of this one very fast. Not necessarily ending the relationship, but spending time with guy/female friends in much the same way as you would if you were single - especially if they're guys you've neglected during your relationship with him. Just don't put yourself into a situation where cheating becomes likely, or that will become a nasty game. Tell him that you appreciate and respect his friendship with this girl, and his right to see her, and that you feel you may have pulled too far away from people you're fond of - and now you intend to redress that balance. Link to comment
amipushy Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Tell him that you know how important a friend she is to him so it is important to you, AS HIS GIRLFRIEND that you meet her, so you would like to come along even if you have to sleep on the floor. If she really is just his friend then he should take on board how YOU, his girlfriend, feels and invite you along. If he makes more excuses after you say that, ask him straight out why he doesnt want you to meet her. You have a right to know. Link to comment
Iggles Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 I agree, his reaction was sketchy.. If they're just friends, why wouldn't he be thrilled for the two of you to meet?? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 People don't react like that unless they have something to hide. I suspect that he's hooking up with her and she doesn't know anything about you. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 5, 2014 Share Posted February 5, 2014 Um, I thought it was all fine until I got the part where he started making excuses for you not meeting her. That's the red flag you're looking at, if it really were just a platonic friendship then he'd want you to meet her--not try to find every reason in the book to keep you apart. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 How long have you been in a relationship with this guy? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 He either has feelings for her or has already acted on those feelings. Link to comment
lisa725 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 Ok So it is good to know that I am right in feeling the way that I do. What do I do now? Link to comment
lerenard Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 If she was such a good friend he would love you to meet her. I think she has no idea about you, and yes - he has something going on. Not good. I have several great guy friends - but I will never go visit them alone in another state, if I am in a relationship and my BF isn't comfortable with that. Especially if he never saw these mystery friends. He keeps you two apart because he wants to. What you do now - you dump him, that's what. Link to comment
lisa725 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 I was thinking of just casually bring the question of maybe when he was going to go to see her and basically state that I could get that weekend off. I asked a long time ago how much she knew about me and he stated that she knew he was dating someone. But I know a million things. I know that they are facebook friends so she has to be able to see posts and pictures of us together. I think I may ask if they ever dated, calmly of course. And asks why I will just say that he talks about her a lot almost in the same way I assume he talks about me to his friends so I just assumed that they have at least done something but that I still trust him not to cheat on me so I trust him to go see her. It may sound childish but I want to be open but I also want to be very honest. Link to comment
lisa725 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 I have never talked this girl and I am not sure if she knows I exist. I know he told me that he told her that he is seeing someone. But I feel we are beyond the 'seeing someone' stage. Link to comment
lisa725 Posted February 6, 2014 Author Share Posted February 6, 2014 @catfeeder, not too long, couple months. I am friends with his roommate and we all went out one night and just started talking. We talked for about a month and then started courting sort of. We would go on group dates but now we see each other regularly. Link to comment
lerenard Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 two months is nothing, really. if you make him chose between his old friend and you I guess its obvious who he will go to. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 I have never talked this girl and I am not sure if she knows I exist. I know he told me that he told her that he is seeing someone. But I feel we are beyond the 'seeing someone' stage. It sounds like you are not exclusive yet so that if he wants he can pursue other people, right? I think you have to find out what his intentions are and if he intends to be exclusive then you need to have the opportunity to meet her (even if it's just by Skype/Facetime). Link to comment
GinNJuice Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Just tell him the whole thing doesn't sit right with you, and you don't think you should continue seeing each other. It sets a firm boundary, without saying, "It's her or me". It is just a statement of what you think is acceptable in a relationship, official or not. If you accept this, then you deserve whatever comes of it, and have no right to come whining and complaining when he tells he nailed her. "Bringing it up casually", will make you seem needy and clingy no matter how tactfully you do it. He'll respect you more if he knows you're willing to walk away. Link to comment
quark Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 How far away is she? Are we talking 2 hour car ride, 8 hour car ride, a plane trip? A couple months of being together is too soon to take a trip like that to go meet a friend of his, male or female. Comes off as "too soon" and a bit clingy. Talk to him and ask him directly about her. Ask if they used to date. Ask where he sleeps when he goes over there. Whatever else you wanna know. If you don't clear the air before he leaves to go see her, then your thoughts are gonna eat you alive. My boyfriend has several friends that are girls, though he doesn't keep in touch with really any of them. Except for one, whom I've met, I like and we've all hung out together. I am 100% comfortable about their friendship because he brought me into their world. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 Why even bother with this dude? Seriously. There are guys out there who would never even consider behaving his way. I think if you decide to keep dating him, you should be prepared for all sort of crap and a time wasting unfulfilling relationship. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted February 6, 2014 Share Posted February 6, 2014 If it's only been a couple of months and from the sounds of it really you only just started going on real dates with each other (group dates aren't really dates in my books) then you aren't really exclusive yet. You need to agree together that you will only see each other, that it is a strictly monogamous relationship and then you can bring up the whole "look, this has to change/stop/etc" talk. After you have that talk. Otherwise the two of you are just dating, he can and will justify his actions with the fact you aren't exclusive and really he's right. That also means you could date other guys and hang out with them and he'd equally have no real call to get upset. Not until you've both agreed to exclusive status. Just assuming it's so isn't the same as two people making a pact or agreement, so speak up now if you haven't before. Otherwise yeah, my sense is he's loving the one he's with (you) since he can't be with the one he loves (her). Also you should read this recent thread where this exact topic came up. That might give you a better idea of what's acceptable and what isn't once and if you two are exclusive. Link to comment
lisa725 Posted February 21, 2014 Author Share Posted February 21, 2014 I have talked openly with him about her. He has stated that he would be sleeping on the couch but has not stated where he slept in the past nor has he stated if they dated. I have not asked either. I am sure I will get the chance. Yes we are new and I do not want to be clingy because I do not want him to clingy. But I have guy friends and I do not drive out to stay the night at their house. He is driving about 8 hours to another state, picking her up and taking her to a heavy metal concert. Then they are staying in a hotel he is using his points for and then he is driving her back to her house. Then he is driving back the next day. So a 3 night trip. My issue is 2 things: 1. This sounds like a romantic weekend. 2. Neither one of them has thought that maybe they should rethink this trip because of me. I need to bring this up just not sure how to without it turning into a argument. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 21, 2014 Share Posted February 21, 2014 Use condoms. He has at least two women, possibly more. I would dump him, but you may see reasons not to. Link to comment
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