lisa725 Posted February 22, 2014 Author Share Posted February 22, 2014 Thank you but i am looking for an adult way to handle the situation. He has grown up as kind of a loner and girls are friends with him. I see why they are just friends with him. I just think he is in love with this one friend. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 The adult way to handle this would be to read the writing on the wall, and stop making excuses for him. His words as well as his actions don't hold water, yet you're still trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. How much more of this nonsense are you going to stick around for? Link to comment
alice1966 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I have been in this exact situation, except for the fact that I met the 'friend' a few times when she showed up at bars, nights out etc. This was the biggest reason my ex and I split. I never found out if they had history together before me, but I'm fairly certain that nothing happened with them whilst or after me. The thing I could never get over was this best friend seemed to be on some kind of pedestal, and she always came before me. It didn't matter if I was left at home feeling like crap so long as she was happy. I suspect that is what is going on in your case. I would also just like to warn you; don't assume this will change once you're an 'established, long term' couple. I stuck this behavior out for SIX LONG YEARS and it only got worse. He would tell me that he was going to see her and I wasn't invited. The truth was, she was inviting me, but he didn't want me there. This girl and me ended up 'hating' (but barely knowing) each other because of fake messages he was passing between us. I don't know if this makes sense but the only explanation I could ever think of was he needed this girl in his life so much, he wouldn't risk ruining it by getting together with her. DH had this same kind of friend when we met. They did have history, and after I found out that she had stipulated the only time DH could visit her was without me, I made him choose: he either cut contact with her or we never even started as a couple. They were never in touch again (except for the time his dad gave her his phone number, but that's a whole other thread). Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I think an adult way to handle this is to recognize that his behavior is not acceptable for a healthy relationship (wanting to spend such time with an ex). The adult way to handle this is to talk to him, tell him your boundary that this would be unacceptable to you, and walk away if he violates your boudaries. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 When my husband and I were dating for a few months exclusively a platonic friend who I'd never dated (but had considered it, briefly, years earlier) wanted me to meet him for a drink on a Friday night and my plan was to meet my boyfriend later that night -and this guy would join if he could. He didn't want to invite my boyfriend because he had some personal things to discuss (nothing romantic!) and he'd never met my boyfriend. I had no romantic intentions whatsoever and I don't believe he did either. I was a little surprised that my boyfriend was uncomfortable with this (we had planned to all go out another time). It wasn't about him not trusting me, it was that it looked inappropriate -that weekend nights were our date nights and I shouldn't be with another guy he didn't yet know. We did not argue about it --I did discuss with him why he felt that way because it seemed ok to me. But I then called my friend and surprisingly he totally understood, apologized for suggesting it and from then on he made a point of inviting us, as a couple to activities and he was very nice to my boyfriend. Point is that in these kind of gray areas two reasonable adults can differ and one of you might have to do something a little different to make it work as a couple. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 22, 2014 Share Posted February 22, 2014 I'd tell him that I think he's a terrific guy and I can see us trying again some time in the future--but the timing is wrong for now. He's got old business to work out, and I respect that, so I'm walking way while we both think highly of one another. If he's ever free and clear of ties to this woman in the future, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up and see where things go. Link to comment
lisa725 Posted February 23, 2014 Author Share Posted February 23, 2014 He has been friends with her and 3 other girls since kindergarten. The other girls are married off. She is the only single one. I guess her ex-boyfriend is still friends with her and lives near her. He says she is not dating anyone at the time. So I have to give him the benefit of the doubt at first. I am going to ask how the plans are going and tell him that I am really not that comfortable with him basically planning a romantic weekend with her even if she is a friend. I am going to tell him that he is to still go but to remember that the damage is already done. That he was very excited to plan this weekend with her and that it really hurt me. I am going to tell him that I am telling him this because he needs to know what efforts I am going to to try and be understanding but that I can not even tell my friends that he is planning this weekend because it is too embarrassing to tell them that he is going on a romantic weekend with another women no matter how he sees it. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 I am going to tell him that he is to still go but to remember that the damage is already done. What, exactly, do you hope to accomplish by telling him this? It will get you nothing but bad feelings. Go one way or the other. Either accept this and stay out of it without guilting him about it, or don't accept it and explain your discomfort and walk away. Otherwise, you're picking the worst mix: I'll accept it but I want to make sure he feels as lousy about it as possible? That's choosing a temporary vent that's not at all helpful to the relationship--or to either of you. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted February 23, 2014 Share Posted February 23, 2014 Is this the same guy in the other threads? Link to comment
lisa725 Posted February 24, 2014 Author Share Posted February 24, 2014 Is this the same guy in the other threads? No! I kicked that one to the curb. I believe they are honest friends. I just have no idea how to openly say to him how i feel about him going to see her. She knows about me thanks to social media. I just can not come up with a way to tell him that i don't like the fact that he will be sleeping in a hotel room with her. Link to comment
Fudgie Posted February 24, 2014 Share Posted February 24, 2014 He balks at you meeting her because he's probably sleeping with her. I'm going to guess that he would never sleep in a hotel room with his married female friends, right? Just this single one? Read the writing on the wall here and leave before you get a disease. Never ever date a straight person who doesn't want you to meet their opposite sex friends. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 25, 2014 Share Posted February 25, 2014 No! I kicked that one to the curb. I believe they are honest friends. I just have no idea how to openly say to him how i feel about him going to see her. She knows about me thanks to social media. I just can not come up with a way to tell him that i don't like the fact that he will be sleeping in a hotel room with her. What do you hope to accomplish by telling him this? Then ask yourself, what do you ~realistically~ hope to accomplish by telling him this. Link to comment
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