Question for men: Will you "move mountains" to be with the woman you want?

[jonny15]

We ended up dating for a year

 

I wonder how that would've turned out had you thought he was ugly.

[jonny15]

I think the core of the advice is "women should not act desperate and chase." A man who is interested will make it known. He would not text all day and never set a date for a meeting. He would not cancel last min. He would not text you late at night to "hang out." He would not avoid discussions about future and commitment.

 

Unless he's shy and isn't good at those things.

[Ms Darcy]

- Ex husband when we were still dating. He had to live in a town 4 hours away for 6 months on business . We met every weekend. On some week night I was very upset (had a fight with a friend) and he travelled 4 hours to come and give me a hug and he left 2 hours later, to be able to be at work at 8am.

 

- Guy who wanted me but there had been a misunderstanding and I stopped talking to him. Waited outside my place of work every single evening for 3 months just to see me and try to talk to me.

 

Those were just some examples of what a man can do if he really wants or cares about a woman.

 

The college boyfriend of my friend make a surprise 10-hour bus trip to surprise her on a trip she was on. (I think this was when she went home for summer vacation.) I remember her telling me about this at the time and thinking it was wonderful.

 

Not a year later, he cheated on her and dumped her.

 

The guy she ended up marrying ... less of a "grand gesture" guy but far more reliable (and attractive!). I am not knocking grand gestures, but I much prefer reliability, consistency, stability. Someone I can count on. Someone who's feelings don't "change" easily. Someone who I know will be committed for life.

 

And yeah, that "waiting outside work" would actually disturb me.

[Capricorn3]

I'll move mountains if I really like a girl... AND she's showing equal enthusiasm.

 

If there seems to be TRUE LTR potential with a woman I'm crazy about, and who seems crazy about me, then yeah that mountain will have a new address soon.

 

But for a girl who's acting indifferent, I'm not about to surmount incredible obstacles, or even small ones. Next for her.

My husband kept trying, (a good long while), even when I didn't show interest. Years later I asked him why he didn't just give up and find someone else, he said... "I knew what I wanted and I wasn't giving up. I knew you were right for me and I went after it".

[Blue Spiral]

Call me a romantic, but, I think that someone should be willing to do anything for the person they love, as long as the other party isn't taking it for granted or taking advantage. Gender and its attached cultural expectations shouldn't factor in at all. The man can go to great lengths, the woman can, and both can.

[missmarple]

I wonder how that would've turned out had you thought he was ugly.

 

Well, he already knew I liked him or used to like him. Before that misunderstanding it was clear we both wanted to be together. I don't know what would happen if I found him ugly...I've never had a guy I wasn't interested in, at least in some way, chase me...I can be pretty cold and distant when I don't like someone, so, I never had that problem.

[missmarple]

The college boyfriend of my friend make a surprise 10-hour bus trip to surprise her on a trip she was on. (I think this was when she went home for summer vacation.) I remember her telling me about this at the time and thinking it was wonderful.

 

Not a year later, he cheated on her and dumped her.

 

Well, the fact that someone goes to great lengths to show he cares doesn't mean he always will. I've been guilty of that, too...I've never cheated but I've stopped caring about guys I used to be crazy about.

[jonny15]

Well, he already knew I liked him or used to like him. Before that misunderstanding it was clear we both wanted to be together. I don't know what would happen if I found him ugly...I've never had a guy I wasn't interested in, at least in some way, chase me...I can be pretty cold and distant when I don't like someone, so, I never had that problem.

 

If you didn't find him attractive, then he would've been considered a stalker.

[missmarple]

If you didn't find him attractive, then he would've been considered a stalker.

 

True. But, you know, it's not like I had ever told him 'stay the hell away from me'. I think if I had done that, he'd have stopped.

It's what happened after we broke up.

[NorthDallas40]

If you didn't find him attractive, then he would've been considered a stalker.

 

Not that there's anything to accuse here, because this applies to everyone.

 

If Irina Shayk was trying to win your heart by camping outside your work, you'd probably be married to her within 2 weeks.

 

If it was Patty Griffin, you'd probably have her arrested in 2 minutes.

[Blue Spiral]

Not that there's anything to accuse here, because this applies to everyone.

 

If Irina Shayk was trying to win your heart by camping outside your work, you'd probably be married to her within 2 weeks.

 

If it was Patty Griffin, you'd probably have her arrested in 2 minutes.

 

Somehow, I don't think that the cops would take jonny seriously. I suspect the average cop would tell him that he's a man, she's a woman, and he needs to man up and take care of it himself. They'd probably laugh at him for being "afraid" of a woman, as well.

[NorthDallas40]

Somehow, I don't think that the cops would take jonny seriously. I suspect the average cop would tell him that he's a man, she's a woman, and he needs to man up and take care of it himself. They'd probably laugh at him for being "afraid" of a woman, as well.

 

Are you agreeing that jonny does indeed need to man up with regards to this discussion and his rather sexist and baiting rhetoric?

 

Or are you actually arguing that society is so stacked in females' favor that even police officers are unable to stop their feminist onslaught on mens' rights?

 

If the latter, please stop.

[Lonewing]

My mountain moving days are done.

 

It only took one woman to convince me of this, too. The very first.

 

Today, I understand there will come a day when the roads part. And when that fork comes, I don't force the hands in either direction. I don't have the choice where my personal path goes at this point, it's determined. My last GF, when the fork came, she recognized she was moving back east and I was staying out west, and I simply let it be done. We broke up, had sex, and wished each other a fond farewell - and yes, in that order. Roads part.

 

Anyone who wants to play games will find themselves out in the cold waiting.

[superfan]

It really depends on how someone interprets this statement. Out there, over the top romantic gestures really only work in Hollywood.

 

Consider most so-called "grand romantic gestures" in film, and then think about how it would play out in real life. Playing a boom box of Peter Gabriel tunes outside your girlfriend's window at night might seem 'romantic' if the film is "Say Anything" and the guy is John Cusak, but I think if that happened in real life, most of us would call the police.

 

However, that doesn't mean that if the relationship isn't solid that real people don't make very real (and equally as important) gestures or sacrifices for their partner.

 

When my husband and I got married, we knew one of us would have to make a MAJOR sacrifice, since he was from the UK and I was from Canada. In the end, he offered to quit his job, sell his house and move accross the Atlantic in order to be with me leaving his friends and family behind.

 

That is a HUGE sacrifice and a far better example of "moving mountains" than Hollywood could come up with.

[rapunzel]

As I mentioned, I originally posed the question reflecting on my own situation. Most people would say *definitely* do NOT contact a man who hasn't contacted you in a few months because if he wants you, he will find you, he will "move mountains" to be with you.

 

He knows where to find me, and he hasn't. I am staying in no contact but admittedly, it is a struggle, going over the "what if's" on a daily basis and reconciling myself to never hearing from him again.

 

Thanks to everyone for the great responses!

[NorthDallas40]

Most people would say *definitely* do NOT contact a man who hasn't contacted you in a few months because if he wants you, he will find you, he will "move mountains" to be with you.

 

And I agree. If someone can't even be bothered to make a phonecall in that time, forget about moving mountains - they're not even willing to make a sandcastle!

[Ms Darcy]

And I agree. If someone can't even be bothered to make a phonecall in that time, forget about moving mountains - they're not even willing to make a sandcastle!

 

Yup. He wasn't that into you.

 

I think it's hard to let go of folks sometimes when there are no other promising prospects on the horizon.

 

But the key to all of this ... as NorthD has pointed out ... is that he has to be crazy about you. That's a base requirement.

[lavenderdove]

Oh, if someone has disappeared for months, no question that he's not all that interested, and in fact has broken up with you. There are some annoying people who will try to drift in and out of your life at will, but he's pretty much declared you are not a real priority for him if that's the best he can do. Regardless of any words he may give you, he's showing you he's not really interested in a relationship.

[Batya33]

As I mentioned, I originally posed the question reflecting on my own situation. Most people would say *definitely* do NOT contact a man who hasn't contacted you in a few months because if he wants you, he will find you, he will "move mountains" to be with you.

 

He knows where to find me, and he hasn't. I am staying in no contact but admittedly, it is a struggle, going over the "what if's" on a daily basis and reconciling myself to never hearing from him again.

 

Thanks to everyone for the great responses!

 

The question isn't whether he will move mountains to be with you if that's the situation. All he has to do is make a phone call or text to start things going again.I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[Liraele]

 

A guy friend told me, "Annie, if a man likes you, you'll know it, it's obvious, there's no need to wonder." I think that may be more straightforward. Really great example was the one that was brought out - shoveling the car out of the snow. What happens when some minor obstacle occurs is I think more telling about his interest levels.

 

I read advice somewhere along those same lines that really resonated with me....and it still does, to this day. It was one of the things that helped heal my heart from the last breakup, and it's one that I am constantly reminded of because my husband actually DOES show me that... I never question that he loves me... and I love that.

 

If you look back to ALL of the times you've felt truly loved - you'll see that it's fairly obvious. If you look back to all the times where you weren't sure... well, again, it is fairly obvious.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20, but you can apply those past interactions to future ones and better recognize love being shown when it is....and when it is not.

 

As for the "moving mountains" bit; yes, I think if a man loves you, he'll run through the obstacle course, over, around or through - but... either a.) you won't make him, or b.) you will show the same level of dedication to triumph over whatever obstacles may present themselves. You're not a carrot at the end of a string being dangled in front of his face ... if he can't ever "get" you or if it is *always* difficult... what's the point of the chase, all that effort, an eternal struggle? Who wants to shower someone with love and affection, jump over hurdles and through hoops to be with someone, only to get none of that same treatment in return? I certainly wouldn't expect it.

[Blue Spiral]

Are you agreeing that jonny does indeed need to man up with regards to this discussion and his rather sexist and baiting rhetoric?

 

Or are you actually arguing that society is so stacked in females' favor that even police officers are unable to stop their feminist onslaught on mens' rights?

 

If the latter, please stop.

 

It is indeed the latter, and I won't be stopping any time soon.

[Throwaway999]

The question isn't whether he will move mountains to be with you if that's the situation. All he has to do is make a phone call or text to start things going again.I'm sorry you're disappointed.

 

Yeah, a more accurate title for the thread would be "Will a guy call you if he wants to talk to you?"

 

The whole "moving mountains" think is a cliche that makes it hard to translate to real life.

[rapunzel]

The reason I asked about that particular wording is because it is often referred to in popular culture dating advice. I've come accross it a fair amount. To me it basically says that *nothing* will stop a man from being with a woman he wants to be with. Nothing. Come hell or high water, he will chase that woman down! Like the "HJNTIY" concept, it's a black and white way of thinking and doesn't allow for a lot of gray areas. People and situations are more complex than that.

 

I realize the phrase doesn't relate entirely well to my particular recent experience and as I said, I did not feel like rehashing all the details here.

[browneyedgirl36]

I'm not sure about the "moving mountains, swimming oceans, walking through fire part," but I firmly believe that when anyone is interested in anyone, there's going to be evidence of that, and that the reverse is true as well. I don't think it's necessarily a gender-specific thing, but I think that because men have been traditionally cast in the role of the "pursuers" -- right or wrong, that's been the case forever and still is to a significant degree -- it gets applied to men far more frequently.

 

I tend to think of it more as, "If a man really wants to be with me/date me/see me again, etc. I won't have to wonder." He's not going to go weeks or months without calling. He's not going to keep cancelling dates (unless he's in the hospital or there's some serious emergency). He's not going to make vague references to seeing me again but drag his feet in following through. He's not going to take days to respond to my calls or texts, or to call or text me after we've been on a date (again, excluding dire emergencies, of which few actually exist). Likewise, the same is true for me. If I really like a guy, I'm not going to NOT call him or text him for long periods of time. I'm not going to ignore his contact or wait a long time to respond. I'm going to make sure I make it clear that I would like to see him again, and I'm going to try to pin down a date in the not-too-distant future. I'm not going to cancel dates without re-scheduling right away (except, again, in emergency cases.).

 

I said a variation on this on another thread today: If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer. If I have to wonder whether someone is into me/wants to see me again/wants a relationship with me, I've probably already got the answer. The reverse is true as well. If a guy has to wonder or ask about my interest, I'm probably not all that interested.

[NorthDallas40]

Are you agreeing that jonny does indeed need to man up with regards to this discussion and his rather sexist and baiting rhetoric?

 

Or are you actually arguing that society is so stacked in females' favor that even police officers are unable to stop their feminist onslaught on mens' rights?

 

If the latter, please stop.

 

It is indeed the latter, and I won't be stopping any time soon.

 

Oh sweetie... I'm so sad Male Privilege isn't working for you. Maybe you haven't counted your blessings?

 

link removed