Question for men: Will you "move mountains" to be with the woman you want?

[Batya33]

The reason I asked about that particular wording is because it is often referred to in popular culture dating advice. I've come accross it a fair amount. To me it basically says that *nothing* will stop a man from being with a woman he wants to be with. Nothing. Come hell or high water, he will chase that woman down! Like the "HJNTIY" concept, it's a black and white way of thinking and doesn't allow for a lot of gray areas. People and situations are more complex than that.

 

I realize the phrase doesn't relate entirely well to my particular recent experience and as I said, I did not feel like rehashing all the details here.

 

I found it easy too to tell myself about how people and situations are complex. Then I reminded myself that the gray areas in what you are talking about are very very much the exception and I think it's too easy to think these situations are the exception. Don't throw the "black and white" rule out with the "gray area" bathwater. Every single serious relationship I had (and I had several) the man showed me through his actions that he was interested, that he was willing to put effort into seeing me even despite obstacles (and I am not talking about game playing or "hard to get" -I mean just the realities of life). It's even more tempting when the man perhaps is very brainy and a bit introverted. Reminds me of the guy in college who was introverted, brilliant, and indulged in talking about how depressed he was. We'd talk about Deep Thoughts and Life for hours on the phone - multiple times a week. I don't think we ever actually went on a date but I found out his class schedule and made sure I was right nearby on campus so we could keep running into each other. I convinced myself that he wasn't asking me out because of his "depression" and "too shy" etc.

 

A few months later he met his future wife (fellow classmate). As of a year ago (yes I googled him) they are still married and doing very well. This was about 25 years ago. I was so hooked on him and was so convinced he was the "exception". Many more examples of this.

 

Also the good thing is that if you're wrong and the guy is the exception, all you need to do is make sure that the last time you were in contact you expressed reasonable interest -meaning that he has no real risk of you saying no to a date. That's all. That takes care of that remote possibility the he is really into you and is such a complex "shy" person that you will have to ask him out every single time and make all the plans every single time in order to have a relationship with him. And you'll tell yourself it's because he's so "deep" and a "feminist" etc. You don't want that situation, right? That's why making sure you show reasonable interest at that last contact is more than enough.

[Throwaway999]

The way Batya describes her situation doesn't come close to "moving mountains," it is a simple case of the guy not asking her out.

 

My problem with the idea that "a man will move mountains to be with the woman he loves" is that it makes it sound like a guy is putting in all the effort or expressing all the interest and a woman just has to sit around and let him. If you, as a woman, are waiting for or expecting that, you are going to have a long wait, especially if we are just in the beginning stages.

 

I'm not going to be chasing a woman come hell or high water, waiting outside her office for months for a chance to talk to her, or most of the other examples that have been given here. I WILL call her her, ask her out, make an effort, but if I'm not getting some reciprocity coming from her end I won't continue in the face of indifference to try to "win her over". I like to think that I have some value myself, you know, and I like it when a woman seems to recognize this!

[Batya33]

My post was in response to Rapunzel's view that there are too many complexities with people and situations to apply the "a man will put in effort to see you if he is sufficiently interested in you". Not about "moving mountains". In my example I made up excuses as to why this guy wasn't asking me out and saw it as an exception. It wasn't an exception, it was just that he wanted to date (and marry) someone else.

[rapunzel]

Actually, no, of course I realize that "a man will put in effort to see you if he is sufficiently interested". I will admit I'm not crazy about the phrases used in pop culture like "he's just not that into you" or "moving mountains" which don't address complexities or individual situations.

 

Thank you Batya, for acknowledging that it was a disappointment.

 

I could go into great detail and explain what exactly happened but I don't have the stomach for it. Moving on.

[Batya33]

Actually, no, of course I realize that "a man will put in effort to see you if he is sufficiently interested". I will admit I'm not crazy about the phrases used in pop culture like "he's just not that into you" or "moving mountains" which don't address complexities or individual situations.

 

I could go into great detail and explain what exactly happened but I don't have the stomach for it. Moving on.

 

No they don't -it's very black and white but in my experience as I wrote above, the gray areas are so few and far between despite all the complexities that the guidelines work in almost every situation.

 

I'm sorry this man disappointed you!!

[Blue Spiral]

 

 

 

Oh sweetie... I'm so sad Male Privilege isn't working for you. Maybe you haven't counted your blessings?

 

I lost interest after reading the first ten or so. Regardless, without even looking at the rest, I bet I'd be willing to trade all of them for the female privilege of constant access to sex.

[NorthDallas40]

the female privilege of constant access to sex

 

I'm sure that what you're describing is a 100% real and documented phenomenon, but for some reason it sounds more like an odd and fantastical myth to me. Not sure why.

[missmarple]

the female privilege of constant access to sex.

 

Really?

I should say that to a colleague of mine who is 42, overweight, never wears any make up and all she does is whine about everything. I believe the last time she had 'access to sex' was 10 years ago...or so..she says she's forgotten what it's like...and I believe her.

[Lonewing]

I lost interest after reading the first ten or so. Regardless, without even looking at the rest, I bet I'd be willing to trade all of them for the female privilege of constant access to sex.

 

Do not confuse the privilege of having constant access to a vagina with the privilege of having constant access to sex!

[John John]

"Move mountains?" No. If I am interested in a woman and want to date her...I will make significant effort to do so and she will definitely know it.

 

I would only ever "move mountains" for a woman I am already in love with...but then again, I'm not even sure I'd do that anymore, since I did it in the past and got burned. MCJD shall leave it at that.

[Rosti87]

I lost interest after reading the first ten or so. Regardless, without even looking at the rest, I bet I'd be willing to trade all of them for the female privilege of constant access to sex.

 

Huh? That is a HUGE assumption. What do you think women are? Walking Grand Central Stations? 7/11 stores for sex? It does not work that way. Most of my single friends are not tripping the life fantastic in regards to sex.

[Blue Spiral]

Really?

I should say that to a colleague of mine who is 42, overweight, never wears any make up and all she does is whine about everything. I believe the last time she had 'access to sex' was 10 years ago...or so..she says she's forgotten what it's like...and I believe her.

 

I'd say that she's an outlier, personally. I'm talking about normal, average women. The "a woman can walk into any bar in America and find a guy to hook up with" phenomenon.

 

Now, I've brought this up before, and women usually say that the men that constantly approach them aren't relationship candidates, or people they're attracted to. And that's all well and good. The thing is, I don't want a relationship, and though I'm extremely superficial, my standards are quite reasonable. America is full of hot women aged 18-46. I could go down to the local Wal-Mart, throw a rock, and hit an attractive woman.

 

I'm 34, I'm thin, and I'm surprisingly cute--a hypothetical female version of me (nightmare fuel, I know) wouldn't have any problems getting laid. I'd be more than happy to do what women do: let the opposite sex approach in droves, reject most of them, and accept the ones I like. If enough women approached me, I'm sure that I'd find a large amount of them to be acceptable.

 

There are tons of guys around that are willing to hook up with women. I wish that there were tons of women around that were willing to hook up with guys. I'm willing to do the hard work of sorting through them and figuring out which ones I want!

[NorthDallas40]

I'm willing to do the hard work of sorting through them and figuring out which ones I want!

 

But would you be willing to do the hard work of fighting off - sometimes physically - the unattractive, surly and potentially violent women who would constitute the majority of your newfound admirers?

 

You'd be ok with ugly entitled women telling you that you OWE them sex, regardless of how you feel about it... and who will insult, stalk or even assault you if you refuse?

 

I'd wager that treatment would get quite tiring - if not downright psychologically scarring - after just a few weeks, let alone the decades that many women have to endure of it from men.

[Blue Spiral]

You'd be ok with ugly entitled women telling you that you OWE them sex

 

Yeah...I think that's overblown. Actually, to be completely honest, I'm guessing it hardly ever happens at all. I can buy the danger/violence aspect, but women's definition of "entitled to sex" seems to be "plain, harmless nice guys who can't figure out why they aren't in a relationship". Plain, harmless nice girls are good enough for me, thanks.

[NorthDallas40]

Yeah...I think that's overblown. Actually, to be completely honest, I'm guessing it hardly ever happens at all.

 

To put it simply, you're wrong.

 

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[Blue Spiral]

To put it simply, you're wrong.

 

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I was talking about the alleged "men acting like they're owed sex" phenomenon, not the violence/rape issue. I've never felt "owed" sex, and I've never heard another guy say anything remotely like that. Now, I don't doubt that those rape statistics are real. What I'm saying is that many women seem to be insulted/creeped out when low-status or unattractive men hit on them (but not when high-status or attractive men do the same), and I like to think I'd be more compassionate in how I handled that sort of situation. It certain wouldn't bother me. And when women talk about their struggles to find a mate, I don't jump in and say "Stop acting like you're entitled to sex!"