Question for men: Will you "move mountains" to be with the woman you want?

[rapunzel]

I just read the below on another thread:

 

"When a man wants to be with a women - in the romantic sense - he will swim oceans, wrestle bears and climb mountains to make it happen."

 

This idea seems to pervade a lot of dating advice for women. Current dating "rules" are not entirely clear. Yet women are told to never pursue a man because "if a man wants you, he will find you, he will move mountains, he will slay dragons", etc. There are dating coaches who advise women that we don't have to do anything except smile and be receptive and that the right man will make it happen.

 

My take is that men are human beings and there are complexities that the whole "move mountains" idea miss. In their role as the pursuers, men face rejection over and over and over in their dating lives, and I would think this would or could affect their dating psyche at some point. My age bracket (over 45) involves a lot of "walking wounded", divorced men with children, and we all have a bit of this so-called baggage, some more than others, of course.

 

So, I realize it's a broad question, but I ask the men out there: is this "moving mountains" notion true?

[Hoagy]

Oh god, no. If a woman thinks she can sit back and let me do all the running, she can think again. Sets a bad precedent for married life.

[savignon]

I interpret "a man who is interested will move mountains for you" to mean "if he's interested, he'll let you know and won't BS get in the way of seeing you". I had a guy I was dating for months tell me he couldn't come over as planned b/c it had snowed and he pays common fees for people to remove the snow and therefore wasn't going to shovel his car out (it wasn't that bad...I had shoveled my own car out the same morning). Had he been into me, he'd have made that effort. Shoveling doesn't equal "moving mountains" but same idea (to me).

I don't think that means women can't ask men out.

[Batya33]

I interpret "a man who is interested will move mountains for you" to mean "if he's interested, he'll let you know and won't BS get in the way of seeing you". I had a guy I was dating for months tell me he couldn't come over as planned b/c it had snowed and he pays common fees for people to remove the snow and therefore wasn't going to shovel his car out (it wasn't that bad...I had shoveled my own car out the same morning). Had he been into me, he'd have made that effort. Shoveling doesn't equal "moving mountains" but same idea (to me).

I don't think that means women can't ask men out.

 

Completely agree. That's how it was in all the serious relationships I was in.

[rapunzel]

The "move mountains" notion seems to dovetail with the "he's just not that into you" concept.

 

I agree that if a man wants to see you (savignon), he will shovel his car out.

[Thorshammer]

This would be true in 1910... not so much in 2014. Women are equal to men now, they are just as aggressive, successful and have the same rights, laws, voting powers, etc. as men now. Even if not all women take steps to aggressive dating, some do... and that has changed things dramatically. Hence why i see a lot of mid 30s and 40s women alone, and its at this point where they have to break their comfort zone and catch up with modern times.

 

Now, if the woman wants to pretend its 1910, where all she does is contributes looks and house duties... then that is what i am expecting from her. These women lack the social skills and dating advice/tips and skills that more aggressive women have... dont think so... check around the forums for proof. Also, like someone noted above, that will set my outlook of our relationship, why chase when i can have someone who can give me what i give back? I dont have to risk my confidence, and feelings chasing someone who doesnt give me any good hints?

 

Now... when she FEEDS me... as in i approach, she reacts positively, and guides me along the path of getting to know her, then yes.. i would move the Earth for her. It makes my approach less uncomfortable, and makes me more daring without the fear of rejection. I usually start the fire - chase just a little bit, adjust my approach based on her reaction, thats the key thing... my adjustment based on her reaction to my approach - if she sits pretty and does nothing, i will not continue. And i have dated really beautiful woman that CAN sit and be pretty, and they all knew enough to help me along.

[force]

If he wants you bad enough yes he would move a mountain. How does a guy want you bad enough to do that? Well I think there has to be some kind of sexual tension involved. Maybe she rejected him and it makes him want her more or she is involved with someone else but is showing signs she likes the other guy too. Maybe she flirted with him at the beginning but stopped and now he wants her but she doesn't want him. Something is keeping them apart. I think it has to do with the build up of desire but the girl is kinda oblivious that she is doing anything wrong, she is just being herself so you can't say she is manipulating or playing games.

 

The guy who wouldn't shovel his drive to get out already knows he has the chick wrapped around his finger so why not wait until tomorrow to see her and prove a point to the association by not shoveling. There has to be some kind of intense longing....remember "I challenge you to a duel" two men fight over the girl, the one who lives gets her. Now if you were in love with the girl I be you'd fight with all you had...fight to the death. Kind of like moving a mountain.

[chr8st8na]

usually i say yes, if a guy wants you... but most times that only happens at first or they all of a sudden realized how smitten they r with you and how they were so blind and blah bla bla... They will do something ridiculous and romantic, like maybe drive a junk car 200miles just to see you, sing a song they wrote to you, or work their butt off because he wants to make the first few dates amazing... but its all the honeymoon phase.

 

then there are some guys who will want to see you put some work at first... Idk i realize there are guys that need reassurance for being interested in you because they are shy, lazy, afraid of rejection or they just want a diff gal who can finally show them they dont need to do all the work.

[tccoastguard]

This. There are too many complexities in dating for women to completely remain aloof and let the guy do all the heavy lifting when it comes to the approach. It's too easy to read someone wrong, get the impression that they are out of your league, not interested, busy with someone else, etc. When I'm with someone, I absolutely will move heaven and earth to be with her but then I put high stock in my relationships.

[itsallgrand]

It seems to me to be a classic take on the notion of heroism and romanticism. The man slays a dragon, defeats an enemy, or otherwise overcomes some difficult obstacle to prove his interest and love in a woman. She is a prize which must be won! Or rescued!

 

In real life though, I think a man showing effort is more than good enough. I don't need or even want him to fight battles for me. I dont think that is necessarily even about his love for a woman nor interest in her anyways - that is about a personal quest to defining oneself in a particular way. It's about themselves. I think it's a rather attractive feature though - I like a little bit of old fashioned heroism in a man. A guy who you know would go out of way to do for others when the situation calls for it.

 

In real life, it could be as simple as being considerate enough to get out there and shovel the driveway instead of being a weiny and waiting for someone else to do it. lol. Eh Sav. That is lame. That is personality - and I think a guy like that, even if he was crazy about Sav, would revert back to the lazier behavior later on anyways.

[rapunzel]

It seems like the "moving mountains" thing happens a lot in the movies but not in real life.

 

In my own situation, I am struggling with getting over the last guy and staying in no contact. I have been in no contact for (yikes) 3 months but I've been feeling temptation lately to break the ice (if indeed there is any ice to be broken). Things got a bit murky (without rehashing all the gory details) when we last had contact so part of me wonders if it was a miscommunication and he thinks "well, clearly she's no longer interested". All the dating advice is "if he cared, he'd contact you so don't contact him" and it's up to him to "move the mountain". I did not break up with him, he did not break up with me, we just slow faded out. Leaving out all the details, my gut tells me to stay in no contact but I am having a hard time meeting other men that interest me.

 

I did a fair amount of initiating towards the end. In 3 months this guy hasn't moved a molehill, never mind a mountain. ;-) I guess I need some more time to get over it.

[Rosti87]

In the 21st century, I think consistent effort and interest is the rule of thumb. Very few men especially men that are Gen X and Gen Y will move mountains, but I think they are interested that will put in the effort needed. Women definitely have to show that they are interested to keep the guy motivated to continue the pursuit.

[NorthDallas40]

I'll move mountains if I really like a girl... AND she's showing equal enthusiasm.

 

If there seems to be TRUE LTR potential with a woman I'm crazy about, and who seems crazy about me, then yeah that mountain will have a new address soon.

 

But for a girl who's acting indifferent, I'm not about to surmount incredible obstacles, or even small ones. Next for her.

[rapunzel]

In my case, I wasn't acting indifferent. Too much information I'm leaving out and that I don't want to discuss ad nauseum. I know the answer in my case is most likely HJNTIY but I was curious about other people's take on the "moving mountains" concept.

[annie24]

"Moving mountains" is already a hyperbole. Obviously, a man cannot move a mountain without a ton of dynamite, and really, why would that attract a woman? Moving mountains means going to irrational extremes, which isn't what I personally want - that sounds more like stalking.

 

A guy friend told me, "Annie, if a man likes you, you'll know it, it's obvious, there's no need to wonder." I think that may be more straightforward. Really great example was the one that was brought out - shoveling the car out of the snow. What happens when some minor obstacle occurs is I think more telling about his interest levels.

[savignon]

 

If there seems to be TRUE LTR potential with a woman I'm crazy about, and who seems crazy about me, then yeah that mountain will have a new address soon.

.

 

So glad to hear, ND!!!

I don't need "mountains moved" ....at this point mutual respect, caring and honesty would feel like I'd hit the jackpot. Normal, into me, trustworthy and reliable....nobody needs to go to any extremes to impress me. I'd be more than happy with the above qualities!!

[happpybear]

A guy friend told me, "Annie, if a man likes you, you'll know it, it's obvious, there's no need to wonder." I think that may be more straightforward. Really great example was the one that was brought out - shoveling the car out of the snow. What happens when some minor obstacle occurs is I think more telling about his interest levels.

 

Ya I agree with this, and this is how it has always been for me too. You can tell the difference between a guy that really likes you and wants to get to know you (he listens, calls when he says he will, remembers stuff you say and follows up, makes the effort to get to know you, is consistent) he makes an effort to give you that attention. If I like a guy and he is doing these things then I reciprocate. If the attention is inconsistent or I feel that he doesn't seem to "care" about me or my life more than that of an acquaintance, or talks to me in a "friend" way, then I assume he sees me as a friend an I react accordingly.

 

A man shouldn't have to "move mountains" to show his interest, that just sounds so drastic and ridiculous to me. Why would I expect or make a man go to such extremes for me to get that he is into me?

[Throwaway999]

I could get behind the idea that a guy would go to extraordinary lengths for a woman he loves, if it is a woman that he's got an established relationship with and they've been together a long time.

 

But if you expect that right out of the date in dating then it ain't gonna happen.

 

I will make a reasonable effort, and I expect the same. I'm not going to continue if I feel like I'm the only one expressing any enthusiasm. That's a big part of the attraction for me, is knowing that it is mutual. Like happybear said, there's gotta be some reciprocation. Like Thor said, if a woman expects the man to be the only one who does anything while she plays coy, she is going to be alone for a long time.

[Batya33]

I like how Annie put it and Savignon's response -that's how I would describe it. I also don't like the idea of a woman "testing" a man to see if he will do something akin to mountain-moving.

[happpybear]

I like how Annie put it and Savignon's response -that's how I would describe it. I also don't like the idea of a woman "testing" a man to see if he will do something akin to mountain-moving.

 

Any form of "testing" is just game-playing, IMO, and in that case he is better off walking away

[happpybear]

I could get behind the idea that a guy would go to extraordinary lengths for a woman he loves, if it is a woman that he's got an established relationship with and they've been together a long time.

 

I agree with this too, and I think it goes both ways, I am a women but definitely have gone to extraordinary lengths for the men I have been in relationships with.

[missmarple]

Things guys have done for me:

 

- Met guy on holidays on an island. We were together for 5 days, then I had to leave. We came from different towns, very far from each other and it would be a while before we could meet again. The night I was about to leave (long boat trip, over 15 hours), I suddenly saw him next to me on the boat. He travelled for 15 hours just to be with me during the trip and he went back to the island with the next boat.

 

- Ex husband when we were still dating. He had to live in a town 4 hours away for 6 months on business . We met every weekend. On some week night I was very upset (had a fight with a friend) and he travelled 4 hours to come and give me a hug and he left 2 hours later, to be able to be at work at 8am.

 

- Guy who wanted me but there had been a misunderstanding and I stopped talking to him. Waited outside my place of work every single evening for 3 months just to see me and try to talk to me.

 

Those were just some examples of what a man can do if he really wants or cares about a woman.

[NorthDallas40]

Guy who wanted me but there had been a misunderstanding and I stopped talking to him. Waited outside my place of work every single evening for 3 months just to see me and try to talk to me.

 

Yes, stalkers are excellent mountain movers. Especially when nobody asked for the mountain to be moved in the first place!

[missmarple]

Yes, stalkers are excellent mountain movers. Especially when nobody asked for the mountain to be moved in the first place!

 

We ended up dating for a year

[goodheartlady]

I think the core of the advice is "women should not act desperate and chase." A man who is interested will make it known. He would not text all day and never set a date for a meeting. He would not cancel last min. He would not text you late at night to "hang out." He would not avoid discussions about future and commitment.