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About Hoagy

  • Birthday June 28

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  1. I've just come out of another relationship. She was a nice enough girl but I didn't really connect with her. So I was talking to my therapist about relationships I've had in the past and realised that there was maybe only one I really believe was perfect for me - my first. It was a long time ago. We met at college when we were teenagers and were together about a year or 18 months. She was beautiful, fun, smart, and athletic. Unfortunately it ended because I didn't yet feel ready to settle down, marry, get a mortage, etc. I wanted to enjoy a bit more of my youth first, hanging out with friends, drinking and playing video games. Her parents were leaving the country and returning to their country of origin and she had to choose between going with them or staying with me. She had no other family and few friends here. If I'd been more mature and grown up she might have stayed. But we were just kids really and probably too young to make it work. We said we'd stay in touch but this was the days before email and social media so it was tougher then. Strangely I didn't think about her again for a long time - not until quite recently - and I realise that I still miss her terribly. I guess I've been unconsciously measuring every other girl against her and they've all been found wanting. I don't know that I ever really got over her and worry it might be holding me back from having a successful relationship with anyone else. Ideally I should be able to talk to her about it but its been so long and she could be anywhere now. I wouldn't know where to start looking.
  2. I don't think some people have really read my post properly here.
  3. Not sure if this is the right forum but it'll have to do for now. About six months ago I started a new job. A female friend of mine already worked here and it was her that told me about the job so it was nice that there would be at least one familiar face. This friend is some 15-20 years younger than me but we get on well, able to share secrets with each other, and, until we started working together, I never thought of her as anything but a friend - no different from any other. At first everything was fine but gradually I found myself developing feelings towards her that I don't think I should. I feel myself being more attracted to her; perhaps because she reminds me of a girlfriend I had many years ago. I see her laughing and joking with other guys at work, guys closer to her own age (she's one of those people who is always popular), and I feel pangs of jealousy. It's ridiculous. I'm almost old enough to be her father. I don't want to be the creepy, pathetic, older guy developing a crush on a young girl and making her feel uncomfortable. I realise I'm probably going through a mid-life crisis and there can be no real future between us. She's currently single and so am I but I'm not even thinking about being her next boyfriend. I just have feelings. I'm not sure they're even sexual feelings. I didn't want this to happen and I didn't plan it. It just happened the way these things do. I wonder whether one of these days - perhaps in the New Year - she and I are going to have to sit down and talk about this. I'm going to have to be honest about how I feel and throw myself upon her mercy. She still gives me a big smile whenever she sees me so I have no idea how she feels about me or how she might react. How can I stop myself feeling this way? We still have to work together and I don't want to stop being friends. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before.
  4. I've just always addressed parents of girlfriends as Mr and Mrs until I've been invited to use names or "mum and dad". Maybe I'm just old fashioned but, in my experience, it usually convinces them that I am respectful and the invite follows quickly if not immediately.
  5. This is part of the reason we haven't said anything so far. We don't want to make things worse for him and my nephews when they go home. I'm not sure if he even knows how she treats us because she always says these things when he's out of the room. But I've known her to call him "stupid" and "useless" in front of us so I suspect he may be afraid of standing up to her. It's ironic that, when we were little, he (being the older brother) used to bully me. When they married I admit it was amusing for me to see him getting a taste of his own medicine. But now it has gone too far. It stopped being funny a long time ago. We just wish he would divorce her and find someone who treats him better but she seems to be in control of him. Not just my opinion - my parents think the same. I've seen this before in abusive relationships. We want to talk to him but we can't get him alone without her being around. We don't even have his mobile number. The only number we have is hers and we have to rely on her to relay messages.
  6. My brother and his family are due to stay with our family over the Christmas period same as every year. The problem is my sister-in-law. She's very possessive of my brother to the extent that I don't think she even likes his own family talking to him without her acting as a 'gatekeeper', monitoring all his texts and emails. If you send a message to him, you get a curt reply from her. She is rude and abrasive to us, always making nasty snide comments about us not being vegetarian. Ever since day one she has addressed my parents by their first names (never Mr and Mrs) which I was always taught one does not do until invited to do so (or is this a modern thing?) She is also lazy, never offering to lift a finger to help prepare dinner or clean up, acting as if she is an honoured guest instead of a member of the family and we are her servants. This always upsets my parents, especially my mother, but my brother does nothing. So far we have always bitten our tongues and said nothing for the sake of peace and harmony. But I suspect this can't continue much longer. This Christmas might be the day (long overdue) where someone finally snaps and puts her in her place. She needs to learn to respect her in-laws instead of treating us like dirt. The question is how my brother will respond. We worry that, if he is confronted by a choice between his wife and his parents/brother, he will chose his wife and we will never see him or our nephews again. We feel as if she is trying to tear him away from us because she can't bear sharing what she sees as her property with anyone else. I just wish he would have the courage to stand up to her. He made the decision to marry her so I feel he should be the one who says "You can't treat me and my family this way" but he doesn't which means someone else will have to and then the sh*t's going to hit the fan. Things can't go on the way they have been any longer.
  7. Don't get me wrong. There have been jobs, I have paid my bills and taxes, and there have been relationships. I got stuck at 20, not 12. It isn't that I didn't want to marry and have kids. I just always thought I would do it when I was older and more 'mature' - when I properly felt ready. I got older biologically but not emotionally and 'ready' never happened. I'm working on the theory that I got stuck because something happened in my mid-20s that was very traumatic. It was a tough time for my family when we weren't even able to think about making plans for the future. When it was over we all tried to deal with it in different ways. I dealt with it by locking those memories in a box which I kept in my mind attic and never looking at them again. Then I turned the clock back a few years to a time when I was happier and life was simpler and I never caught up again. If I'd had counselling at the time then maybe I'd be further forward now than I am.
  8. Forgive the dramatic title but it seems appropriate. I've just come from a session with my therapist where I think I made a breakthrough. You might recall from my previous post that I've long had difficulty understanding what is holding me back from finding love and contentment. Something within myself. Ever since I can remember I've always felt like an outsider, always on the fringe of 'normal', a square peg in a round hole, and so forth. And that has always suited me. I like being different. I like being the rebel and I've made it part of who I am. I've always resisted conforming and being like everyone else. I especially didn't want to 'sell out' and become like my parents - middle class, middle of the road, safe, conventional and boring. I always tried to stay around 20 years old because that was the time in my life when I was happiest. When I was 20 I had a great deal of freedom. No longer at school (very strict discipline) but not yet tied down by marriage and a mortgage. They were Halcyon days that I didn't want to let go of. I was scared of growing up. Consequently I developed a kind of Peter Pan mentality ( ). But if I want to be married, to own a house, have children - all the stuff I believe will make me happy - then I have to conform, don't I? I have to grow up and accept responsibility. This only just hit me in session today like a slap with a wet fish. It's also been a wake up call. I'm in my mid-40s now and I hope it's not too late.
  9. We cannot hope for others to love us unless we learn to love ourselves. Take some of that love and kindness that you show others and apply it to yourself first. Do something good just for you. Treat yourself to something nice, learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes. It sounds as if you might need some help with this but when you learn to love you for the good person you are then it willl show in your demeanour and will attract good people to you.
  10. JJ Abrams killed Star Wars for me by killing off the coolest nurf herder in the galaxy. I know Harrison Ford never liked his character but they could have just left him out of it and had people who wanted to be there.
  11. A couple of friends have invited me to a Hallowe'en party at their house next weekend. But I really don't like Hallowe'en. It's not so much a religious thing (I enjoy a good haunted house) but I really object to the godawful cheap ghastly tackiness of it all. It has to be the most tasteless and trashy of all celebrations and don't even get me started on 'zombie walks'. A plastic spider hanging from the ceiling is about as scary as watching Paw Patrol and I don't see why I should spend £20 on a highly-flammable polyester costume that I'll only ever wear once. I'll go becuase they're friends and I don't get a chance to see them very often but I feel like a fraud for pretending I give a s**t. I'm not a 10 year old kid any more. I didn't even enjoy it when I was 10. Call me a grumpy old curmudgeon if you want - I don't care. Just give me a beer and Sleepy Hollow on the telly. Thank god we have Guy Fawkes Night to look forward to. Rant over.
  12. I'm sure I'm straight. Never found other men sexually attractive in the slightest. I'm currently doing a degree as a mature(ish) student, due to graduate in about two years. I've got a chance of a part-time job that will fit around college and that will help. But somehow I feel that even if I won the lottery and bought a mansion and a Ferrari and all other practical obstacles were removed, I still wouldn't feel able to marry. I want to but there's a psychological block or something. I don't know what it is. I get on well with women and enjoy dating but when it comes to getting more serious something in my head says "Stop!" And I say "Why?" And the voice says "Other people get married. People like you don't." And I say "Why not?" And the voice says "You're not allowed." I'm like the servant standing with a tray of drinks watching everyone else dance. I can only watch but I can't join in no matter how much I want to. I think I'm going to need to discuss this with my therapist. Maybe think about hypnotherapy or even past life regression if necessary. There might be some deep repressed trauma that I need to unlock.
  13. Relationships I've had in the past have ended for all kinds of reasons. Some my fault but not always. I think a couple wanted more commitment from me and I was prepared to commit but just not to them. One wanted children and I didn't. Not then (I was only in my early 20s at the time) but I do now. Some I regret and some I'm glad I'll never see again. I wonder whether I should get a FWB. Nothing too serious. I would like to have the friendship, companionship and intimacy and maybe that'll turn into something more over time. But I just can't picture marriage right now.
  14. I'm approaching middle age and never been married and starting to wonder why? I'm not that bad looking if I say so myself. Not Hollywood handsome but not awful. I try to keep myself in shape, take care of my personal hygeine and can dress up nice if I need to. I'm intelligent and fairly well educated, good sense of humour, urbane, sophisticated, debt free, etc. Never had any complaints in the bedroom department either. I've dated my share of females but never yet found The One and beginning to think I never will. It's an odd thing but I can't help feeling that relationships are for Other People - not for me and I've started to accept it. I see other people in relationships and it's like there's someone telling me, "It's not for you, Hoagy. You wouldn't be happy. You're better off on your own" and so forth. I've tried reasoning it in my therapy but it's like the answer to the question is behind a locked door. I can't get through it. I'd like to be married (I think) but, no matter how hard I try, I just can't imagine it in the same way I can't imagine myself walking on the surface of the moon. It feels unrealistic. I see other people getting married and they're not better looking/smarter/funnier than me. If they can do it then surely I should be able to but I can't. Something is stopping me. Perhaps it's something psychological and I'm unconsciously sabotaging my own chances by dating the wrong people. I'm always on the sidelines watching others play the game. Does anyone else ever feel like this?
  15. I have applied for part-time jobs but there aren't many around here and I need to find one that fits around the days I have to be in college and the compulsary work experience placement and I don't even know where that is going to be yet. I'm doing what I can but what I can realistically do is to some extend dictated by the demands of the course and everything is up in the air at the moment because nobody seems entirely sure of what is supposed to be happening. It doesn't help that the university suddenly decided to change the course content at the last minute. I'm even looking into the option of creating a small business on ebay or something to generate some income while allowing me control and flexibility. It might not be much but, as the advertising slogan for a well-known supermarket says, 'every little helps'. As I say, I'm fortunate that finance is not an immediate issue for now but I have known what it is to be deep in debt before and I am absolutely terrified of going back there. I desperately crave stability and peace of mind. Almost every night I wake at 01:00 or 02:00am (it is 02:20 now) and the doubt and uncertainty immediately hits me in the chest like a physical punch. It's probably just psychosomatic but I'm starting to get concerned about how the next two years is going to affect me healthwise.
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