Is Dating Nowadays More Dysfunctional Then In The Past?

[SeattleSigh]

Okay, so I went through a really bad break up three years ago from which I have yet to fully recover, and I recognize that I am still emotionally damaged from the trauma of my experiences. However, I really wonder about the state of dating as an adult: Is dating nowadays more dysfunctional then in the past?

 

It seems like so many people who are dating, including myself, are traumatized by an earlier relationship and are not ready to date. It feels like so many of us saw our parents in unhappy relationships, and are less likely to work through relationship difficulties as a result. It seems like the ease of internet dating and finding someone new are twisting dating beyond anything that actually supports the development of a long-term relationship.

 

Here are some of my thoughts:

 

1. Many younger people (20-25) get GIGS, and leave good relationships when they get hard, only to later be haunted by the loss of that significant relationship and the choices made during the end of it. These feelings interfere with future relationships and happiness.

 

2. Many people date before they have healed their wounds from past traumas. These people further damage themselves and others.

 

3. Online dating makes it easy to find a date and even have sex. However, there is something about online dating that makes revealing truths and escalating to a real relationship unlikely.

 

4. There is something about online dating, Facebook and the internet that makes GIGS a much more common and problematic experience.

 

5. Very few people talk about or admit to having STDs. Most people seem to operate on a don't ask, don't tell policy. However, the lack of disclosure on this issue sets up a failing dynamic for a relationship because of faulty communication, a lack of honesty and trust, and the development of health and psychological issues.

 

6. Much of the advice that we give ourselves and others about dating is wrong and hurtful, although we do a pretty great job here on eNA.

 

The state of dating seems tragically flawed. There are so many hurt people in desperate need of healing who frantically search for another partner, whether online or in real life, but are only able to give so much before pain and dysfunction surface. What are we doing?

 

Maybe it's something about dating in your early 30s versus dating in your 20s. Maybe it's just me. I recognize that I see the world through the lens of my experiences, and because those experiences have been painful, my view is a bit dark, so what do you think: Is dating nowadays more dysfunctional then in the past?

[NorthDallas40]

I'd be willing to bet that all the ups & downs of dating have been in place ever since dating began.

 

STDs and unwillingness to disclose about them, damaged people, infidelity, GIGS, etc... these aren't new.

 

That said, I was in a relationship/marriage from ages 20-36, and finally threw myself in the dating pool in 2007 at the age of 37... so I kinda don't have any idea of what I'm talking about when it comes to dating "back in the day" since I never really did it until now.

[spandora]

I would have to say, YES. IMO, YES YES YES

 

Also, there is something about people which is different from 20 yrs ago (I'm 46, and single). People are more selfish and self-centered than ever. I don't think technology, esp social media has helped this. Nor has it helped the whole GIGs thing..not when you can log onto Facebook and see everyone else seemingly having this perfect life, and you can't help but feel envious.

 

I was divorced 7 years ago-I did not want the divorce. My ex divorced me. Since then, I've had miserable relationship after miserable relationship, with some immature guys who a) didn't listen to me b) couldn't care less about my concerns, for the most part and 3) were extremely immature and selfish.

 

I'm ready to give up on relationships in general.

[Moontiger]

I would not say its more dysfunctional, rather, its a different kind of dysfunction.

 

For example, My great grandparents got married basically because they were both getting older (almost 30!) and they had known each other for a few months. Their relationship was not a happy one.

[Lorem Ipsum]

When people start waxing nostalgic about how much better dating was in the good old days, I always think about my grandparents...

 

My paternal grandfather had been divorced once, and was married to his second wife when he met my grandmother, who was his secretary.

 

My paternal grandmother had been divorced once before she married my grandfather (her former boss)

 

My maternal grandmother was raped during wartime (most probable answer) and had my mother out of wedlock at the age of 33. She didn't marry anyone for another 13 years, and it wasn't a happy one as with Moontiger, I think they married more for combined financials/tired of being alone than good reasons like true compatibility. Needless to say, I couldn't tell you what happened to my mother's father even if I tried.

 

The man I thought was my maternal grandfather had been married and divorced before he married my grandmother.

 

I don't know if it's more dysfunctional, I think it's probably a different form of dysfunction, piled on top of the old ones. People now have freedoms they didn't have 60 or 70 years ago. Birth control has allowed people to have sex without marriage, or the threat of a marriage at the end of a shotgun. Loosening moral hardlines, few are "shamed" if they get pregnant out of wedlock. Women have education, careers and options such as living on their own, so they aren't "required" to marry in order to get financial security or standing in the community. Or they can delay until they're established. Men are encouraged to cook, clean and look after themselves. Divorce is easier to obtain for either sex.

 

The problem is that in order to get a good match for yourself, you have to know who you are, what you want. You have to be able to stand up for yourself and know how to compromise without selling away pieces of yourself in the process. You have to be able to see the other person clearly so that you're not seeing or believing what you want to see or that they'll change to be more of what you want. You have to be honest with yourself and able to communicate what you need clearly. You have to be able to listen. But, it takes wisdom and maturity (or exceptional good luck) to be able to do this/choose the right person and for the most part, you don't get that without experience. I don't think that has really changed. Decades ago, people didn't have the time or the freedom to make mistakes and try again like they do now. There's good in that and bad. And, there are forums like this to help share experiences on, which has never really existed before. I know I've learned a lot reading other people's opinions and experiences.

[bulletproof]

I think that the more things change, the more they stay the same. People had a whole other set of issues prior to online dating. As a female, I'm grateful I didn't have to marry a person I don't love by a certain age just to say I was married. But there are downsides to that, too. So it's really just a matter of perspective in the end.

[SooSad33]

Very observant, Seattle.

 

I do find things so crazy nowadays...

Back when i turned 18+, late 80's, times were much calmer and people were actually getting to know each other in more of a healthy manner and too the time to work things out etc.

 

Today it seems much more advanced & agravated with people now ie; dating sites. So many are just jumping around like it's a game. Plus with their dang phones all the time, they're carrying on with much nonsense with so many of the opposite sex- it;s unreal. It's almost like some advantage for them to be able to do so.. and this is where it becomes a HUGE risk to those involved, already.

 

They dont bother trying for real, i find. is so different.

 

This and many more like you mentioned, yes to me, it does seems much different & that much more challenging to find someone 'real'.

[shelty24]

people got married too fast and too young back then before they really knew each other or what they wanted. My grandmother was 17 when she married, had twins and a newborn at 19 and then had 2 more.. her husband barely came home, he was unfaithful and involved in a lot of crime which put the family at risk. She was struggling to cope-severely mentally ill and he ignored her illness till it got too big to ignore. She ended up having a nervous breakdown at which point he left her for someone else and also left 5 kids at home to look after themselves.

 

So no I would not like to go back to the way things were. If I ever end up with a man like that-I would run a mile from him and I am glad I can work, make my own money, not have to depend on a man for anything, have freedom, choices and independence. Even if I do make a bad decision and fall for someone awful-I can run once I figure it out..

 

I think you should keep friends and family close. I am lucky to have a large supportive family and we are very close so if I ever ended up in a unhealthy relationship or ever feel trapped-I always have a door to knock on and lots of people willing to help.

 

Never neglect the people closest to you when you fall in love. Lots of people push people away once they have a partner coz they think that is all they need. But a man can walk into your life (or woman) and out just as quickly or be kicked out.. your family will always be there

 

I would not fear dating. Some people have issues-fear of being alone, insecure, low self esteem, low self worth and instead of choosing mr or miss right, anyone will do for now which is why so many people end up in dysfunctional relationships.

 

If you trust yourself, your instincts, your own judgement and love yourself enough to know you deserve the best-you will be okay. Even if you do meet a bad one-you will have enough self worth to walk away.

 

Plus after 3 years-if your past is still haunting you-you should consider seeing a counselor. Life is too short. There are billions of men in the world and you are allowing ONE to control your life and how you live it coz he hurt you. Pain is a part of life. Its normal. Its there to make you stronger for the next hurt and the next. He was one chapter in your life. You need to close it and move onto the next.

 

Yes the world it full of bad. Theres people everywhere that would smile in your face and then twist a knife in your back but its also full of good and there are amazing men and women in this world that are worth loving

[shelty24]

I would not recommend online dating to anyone. I think trying to find someone genuine is like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. I've heard so many bad things about POF and okcupid.. I think if you insist on online dating then pay for a good site. I don't know of any but I am sure there are people here that could point you in the right direction.

 

I'd also set rules for yourself. So many people seem to become infatuated by a virtual stranger online-sometimes they even live in q different country which is insane to me lol! So I would have rules like

 

-only talk to people that live in the same City

-only talk to the same person for a couple of days before arranging a date (don't waste any more time then that

-Make sure it says on your profile something like "no married guys or guys in a relationship-if you contact me, I will contact your wife" something to scare the vultures off!

-and make sure you don't sleep with anyone even if he seems like mr perfect in the first couple of weeks. You cannot trust anyone you have met online until you have been to his house, met his family and friends etc..You just need to be sure he is who he says he is and not hiding anything

[Sportster2005]

Dating never was, nor ever will be functional. Emotions, lust and love are not logical. It's not getting worse. You just have to learn to identify what the new normal, abnormals are now. One is online dating. It is mainstream. It is here. It is one of the new normal, abnormals. And so on and so forth.

[Sportster2005]

-Make sure it says on your profile something like "no married guys or guys in a relationship-if you contact me, I will contact your wife" something to scare the vultures off!

 

NO, NO, NO. It's stuff like this that gets you ignored. Anything negative is a turn off. Sorry for raising my voice, but I think this is an important point.

[Thorshammer]

We are human... and humans are full of errors. There is a modern sexual freedom with both sexes now, many have abandoned old traditions. So women can be free, men can gain even more opportunity due to it, and men in general always had freedom so they continue to express themselves sexually or emotionally with other women. We are basically walking with a lot of "get out of jail free" cards, your bf sucks... out he goes, and you wont suffer the fate of getting stoned or ridiculed for it like we did in the past. Or, we can go back in time where women were oppressed, and they had silent voices to the cheating and abuse by their husbands - while their husbands did god knows what and never suffered the consequences of adultery, or they had the final voice on divorce because THEY wanted to.

 

No matter what time, human is error (or not... whos to say we need a relationship, we are in fact animals- an argument can be made to suggest that boyfriend and girlfriend is completely a false idea created like we created santa claus). Religion tried to fix those issues, but we still had them.

 

Focus on the behavior, maturity and value of the person, not in the behavior, maturity and value of our time. Two good people who both want the same thing... will get the same thing, you just have to find them.

[SeattleSigh]

Plus after 3 years-if your past is still haunting you-you should consider seeing a counselor. Life is too short. There are billions of men in the world and you are allowing ONE to control your life and how you live it coz he hurt you. Pain is a part of life. Its normal. Its there to make you stronger for the next hurt and the next. He was one chapter in your life. You need to close it and move onto the next.

 

Yes the world it full of bad. Theres people everywhere that would smile in your face and then twist a knife in your back but its also full of good and there are amazing men and women in this world that are worth loving

 

I appreciate the concern, Shelty. Definitely have a counselor. It's been a positive experience. Kind of like using this forum. Regardless, I have found it very difficult and challenging to heal, even with professional help.

[shelty24]

NO, NO, NO. It's stuff like this that gets you ignored. Anything negative is a turn off. Sorry for raising my voice, but I think this is an important point.

 

Lol I would never do any online dating anyway so its not a concern for me. I find it hard to trust at first-I am cautious, wary etc and I don't let my walls down easily so online dating would just create anxiety and fear in me. I'd probably turn into a detective and do a full background check on everyone lol. Its far easier to spot a bad one face to face

[shelty24]

I appreciate the concern, Shelty. Definitely have a counselor. It's been a positive experience. Kind of like using this forum. Regardless, I have found it very difficult and challenging to heal, even with professional help.

 

How long were you together? How old are you? And why did it end?

 

I hope you do find piece and happiness

[chr8st8na]

To the OP...Maybe you are not ready to date... I usually find that if im making excuses/reasons y i should not date, its my gut telling me I just dont want to date.

[milly007]

I don't know if dating is dysfunctional more so now than in the past, since dating for me didn't really start until online dating became the norm.

 

In terms of online dating, it really is a bitter/sweet concept. Online dating is a great avenue to meet new people when you can't find the time to meet people in offline situations, but I've talked to a few people who are guilty of always looking for the next best thing online (despite having met a really nice, quality person).

 

So, in one way, I do think the dating world is great in terms of being able to meet a variety of different people (since we do have access to the online dating world), but the downfall is that some people are always looking for the next best thing, instead of appreciating a good quality person when they meet one.

[IAmFCA]

In the old days (hahaha) we were encouraged and perhaps obligated to date within our community, where community is defined by race, class, geography, & religion. The upside: there were many things we knew about our prospects - what the common set of mores is, what their family is like, what they were like growing up, etc. The downside: well, racism sexism and classism are pretty awful, stripping us each of our humanity and expecting each of us to comply with some set of social expectations. What a load of garbage that is and always has been, and some of us never accepted it in the first place. The other downside: you don't get to meet people who are different, and who may be better suited for you.

 

OLD can create a false sense of familiarity. With the new ways, we are developing a new set of skills. We no longer have grandma to weed them out for us, so we must do this ourselves. We no longer have friends and family to tell us what they are like, so we must give ourselves time to learn what the person really is like.

 

Consequently, in an era when having sex on the first date is no big deal, we actually need to move more slowly than ever into a LTR, because we know so much less about the person we are dating.

 

Unless we are just having recreational sex, that is.

 

Its way better than before, because now, we are even more free to control our own destiny. Just let yourself gather skills as you go.

[SeattleSigh]

How long were you together? How old are you? And why did it end?

 

I hope you do find piece and happiness

 

Together almost four years. Drug it on after it ended. Made all the mistakes. Complete no contact with number change and everything blocked now. I am 30 now. Together from 24 to 27. Ended for a million reasons, but really because of too many outside stressors, not being able to handle them, and not understanding our own issues.

 

Appreciate the kind words, Shelty. Want to keep this thread focused on my question, so if you want more details, maybe message me.

[spandora]

Don't get me started on the whole phone thing..people getting upset if you don't text them back right away...people glued to their phones instead of actually TALKING to each other..it's crazy. I hate it, personally.

 

My ex and I had a lot of conflict over everyone looking at their phones at dinner. I didn't want to be one of those families where, when we are out at a restaurant, we are all glued to the phone. My ex thought it was fine. This is just another area where we are incompatible.

[Ms Darcy]

I'd be willing to bet that all the ups & downs of dating have been in place ever since dating began.

 

STDs and unwillingness to disclose about them, damaged people, infidelity, GIGS, etc... these aren't new.

 

I would not say its more dysfunctional, rather, its a different kind of dysfunction.

 

For example, My great grandparents got married basically because they were both getting older (almost 30!) and they had known each other for a few months. Their relationship was not a happy one.

 

I think that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

 

People had a whole other set of issues prior to online dating. As a female, I'm grateful I didn't have to marry a person I don't love by a certain age just to say I was married.

 

These posts hit the nail on the head. We often idealize the past because we 1) didn't live it 2) don't know about some of the challenges our older family members have faced.

 

Seattle, do you feel that your really bad experience where the person you love left you and didn't really fight for you make you tend to see that same failing in people all around you?

[SeattleSigh]

To the OP...Maybe you are not ready to date... I usually find that if im making excuses/reasons y i should not date, its my gut telling me I just dont want to date.

 

Completely recognize that I am not really ready to date. It's frustrating to be here after three years, but I have learned to accept where I am. Although, I do have trouble not trying to date.

[SeattleSigh]

These posts hit the nail on the head. We often idealize the past because we 1) didn't live it 2) don't know about some of the challenges our older family members have faced.

 

Seattle, do you feel that your really bad experience where the person you love left you and didn't really fight for you make you tend to see that same failing in people all around you?

 

Yes, Ms. Darcy. One of many issues I have now.

[Mesemene]

I think, too, we're now in a generation where it's acceptable to talk about things that were "not spoken of" in the past.

 

For example, I remember some of my girl pals in school would mention a "funny uncle/grandpa" but very little more was said - it was just understood nobody would leave kids in the room with him.

 

Friends of my parents split - and even when I was a young adult - the most that was spoken was in whispers. GIGS wasn't mentioned - at most, it was the guy approaching "that age" where he wanted the young chick and sportscar.

 

There are a ton of other things I can think of - therapy and counseling were rarely, if ever, spoken of. Psych problems were shoved under the carpet, to the detriment of the sufferers. So many things just "weren't done," and if they happened - it was kept as quiet, and hushed as fast, as possible, socially and familially.

 

I mean, in my generation, it was just becoming acceptable for a girl to complain her boyfriend was controlling and verbally abusive. Barely. As a teenager, as a girl, both my peers AND parents/parent's peers would always encourage to "give him another chance" because "that's just the way he gets sometimes."

 

Now it's actually acceptable - more - ENCOURAGED - to stand up for yourself and your desires and needs to a much greater degree.

[Ms Darcy]

Now it's actually acceptable - more - ENCOURAGED - to stand up for yourself and your desires and needs to a much greater degree.

 

I agree it's great that it is more acceptable. Amazingly, a lot of people, including young girls, do not report emotional and/or physical abuse. Sad