Starting Over....again.

[notalady]

Hmm that's a tough one.. Just to clarify, he does get you off just not as much as you'd like? When you say he wants sex much less than you, how much are we talking about here (times per week) vs what you want? If it's like once per week vs you want it every day, then I can see that as a major incompatibility. If he wants it 3-4 times and you want it every day, it's not as bad and a compromise could be worked out? And I'm sure he can make an effort to last longer than 5 mins?! Do you know if he actually has medical issues in that area?

 

I suppose also you'll need to decide how important is multiple / strong orgasms to you in comparison to all the other stuff he brings to the relationship which you value.

[chickadeedee]

I think if he hates oral, you should buy a vibrator (one that really works for you) and ask him to use it on you. Many women can't climax during intercourse, but next to none can't climax with a vibrator or oral. So if he really really hates oral, he would probably be fine to use a vibrator on you or incorporate it into your routine so that you are sure to be sexually satisfied every time you have sex. You can also use it on yourself during intercourse if you want a sense of intimacy or enjoyment during intercourse.

 

I think if you have any doubts about him, the answer is to slow down and don't go any further with him until you have resolved those feelings.

 

I also think you glossed over what happened with his friend. He may have remedied it by making a good show of it next time you saw her, but it doesn't really explain why he acted that way to begin with. There have been plenty of other times i'm sure when the multi-tasking thing was present and he didn't reject you then. So please don't sweep anything under the rug in a rush to live together. You have a few signs that maybe you should slow down and wait another 6-12 months before you take that step (the weirdness with his best friend and the sexual issues). Get those resolved before moving forward.

[notalady]

Probably a bit of TMI here but I'm one of those women who can't get off from oral and does with actual intercourse haha.. I know for a fact it's not the guys' lack of skills, it just doesn't do it for me. But anyways!

 

At the end of the day if you are not satisfied and there's no resolving this, it can become a bigger problem down the track.

[DancingFool]

Kind of unfair to rank your current SO against your previous partners on performance in bed don't you think?

 

If you are genuinely unsatisfied with Jay and totally unhappy and the oral thing is a complete and unworkable deal breaker, you really should have dumped him months ago. You've known the deal all along. Not like he pulled a bait and switch on you. However when you get into ranking and Bob was a 10 and Steve was a 9, but Jay is only a 6 - I think you are being incredibly foolish. Only way to fix that is to go back to Bob and get your brains fked out while you are getting fked in every other respect when it comes to having a decent relationship, because let's face it - nobody will come along and beat Bob.

 

I think you need to use what's between your ears and not your legs when it comes to relationship decisions. Also, it seems suspiciously like you are still pissed with the friend and the way Jay acted and this is just kind of a passive aggressive reaction still coming out. I'm mad at him so I'm going to find things that are wrong with him and hit below the belt...literally in this case.

[BigKK]

I gotta agree with DF, I wonder if it's truly a deal breaker for you or if this is still lingering anger from earlier. I think if you were REALLY this dissatisfied from the get-go you'd be more vocal about it. But after a year to bring it up, I am not convinced. Unless you've been holding out and just hoping things get better.

 

How about a day to simmer down and investigate if this is how you truly feel.

[Fudgie]

Re: settling vs. being picky

 

I forgot to add this. Something I've struggled with from time to time. I think people are "settling" when they are not truly happy with someone and stay anyway because they don't feel they can find better. Or maybe they stay for other reasons. The key is that they are not happy. Now, what constitutes as "happy"? You're never going to be 100% happy all the time with someone. It's an overall picture. How you deal with things as a couple. How you enjoy his company.

 

Simply put, I don't believe that anyone can have it all. It's a myth. No one has it all. Most of my friends growing up, like me, came from upper class families and they most definitely do not have it all. Everyone has their faults. If you are looking for a 10/10 lover in bed, who will give you multiple orgams everyday, will be a wonderful and attentive father, will be the primary bedwinner, will be very attentive and thoughtful, will always give you space when you need it without you needing to reinforce the need, will not criticize your tastes/spending habits/eccentricities, well, you are most likely going to be disappointed.

 

Now, it's all about compromise. Jay hates oral and always has. You can either accept it and stop asking him for it or break up and move on. You both will have to compromise. Maybe he is okay with having more sex and trying more positions in bed to last longer to satisfy you. You may not get multi orgams or oral but you can always supplement with a toy, either during Intercourse or on your own.

 

I think it really boils down to how happy you are overall with him and what both of you are willing to do to meet in the middle.

[notalady]

I agree with Fudgie. Perhaps think the 80/20 rule. If you are happy in this relationship 80% of the time, then it's worthwhile staying.

[christwowheels]

On the one hand, I think that if you're giving oral sex to him, he should be giving oral sex to you. On the other hand, if he really hates oral, he's probably never going to be able to fake being excited about it to the point where that part (his excitement) gets you off.

 

What strikes me about the things I've read in your journal (and I haven't read all of it, some here, some there) is that you seem to like to have marathon sex sessions. Nothing wrong with that, but it's going to take a special kind of man to be able to do the things you're looking for in bed, and it may well be that you can't find someone who can perform like that and also be a good partner. I mean Jay is fingering you for an hour at a time? I mean I'm all for foreplay, but you're pushing the boundaries I think. Let me ask you, when he is lasting just 5 minutes PIV, what kind of speed are the thrusts? I mean is he basically just getting to the point where after spending so long touching you, he wants to get his rocks off so bad that he's pounding away over-eager like? Maybe if you guys tried to hit a goal of 15-20 minutes each for foreplay and sex, that that would be more attainable because he wouldn't have gotten so impatient from doing foreplay and therefore he would be more likely to make love to you more slowly and passionately? Just a thought.

 

Because while guys often enjoy foreplay too (I do, at any rate), I imagine that if I was fingering my gf for an entire hour, I would probably have a much faster speed when I got to the "main event" because I want a chance at my orgasm before I fall asleep, you know?

 

Before I go, I do want to make a quick comment on Jay's behavior when his friend was around...unacceptable. I remember seeing stuff awhile back about how his job made it hard for you to see him regularly and now he gets a bunch of days vacation which he proceeds to use on her and not you? Really? I can see making time to do an activity here and an activity there when a friend visits, but when you have a week off, the focus is on your partner, in my book.

[happpybear]

Ok so the way I see it, the 80/20 rule as mentioned above, and also, as christwo wrote above, he is already doing a lot to accommodate your needs in that you like marathons....So he seems like a pretty giving and game dude to begin with (minus the oral issue, which he was honest about up-front) so, there MUST be a way to fix this--you cannot just give up on the two of you over this...I think that would be irrational, it also seems like, the sex is all about you and what you want and are getting or not getting (that's how it comes accross on here anyway) and is Jay satisfied? What if after 1-2 hours of foreplay, he is just kinda spent and can't last for another 30 minutes of thrusting? I think you guys can totally find ways around this with sex toys etc to use when jay is done and you still need vaginal stimulation in order to climax.

[testcase]

5 minutes!!! Didn't Missy Elliot sing a song about this?? That's crazy. Good sex is good sex. Bad sex is bad sex... And it seems for some reason oral is getting tougher to find!! OK I'm taking about my experiences here.

 

I think it's a deal breaker.... Maybe if he knew how serious it was to you he'd step it up? Any guy can last longer then 5 minutes. Any guy can go down on you. Maybe he needs to do both for your relationship. If he's not I wouldn't fault you for being concerned.

[Fudgie]

Not all men enjoy oral. He was upfront that he hates it. She knew that going into this and decided to stick it out regardless. He shouldn't have to perform it if he hates it but he needs to put in effort to please her in other ways.

 

Hate to bring up a double standard but if a woman here said that she hated oral (esp if she had a bad experience), you'd have Hell rain down on you if you said "Well, and woman can perform oral. You need to do it for your relationship."

[christwowheels]

The double standard is there, I suppose. Although for me the big thing is that if he asks for or expects oral (and there's a good chance he does), then he should reciprocate; if he doesn't wish to reciprocate, then don't ask for it.

 

It does sound like Jay was forthcoming from the beginning about not wanting to do oral, so it's not like a new concern.

 

I've found that the best way to deal with an issue in a relationship is to make sure it's discussed and that a resolution is developed. In order for that to happen here, it needs to be made clear to Jay just how pressing the issues with sex are in your relationship. Especially because you've already allowed your daughter to kind of bond with him, it would be unwise to just dump him without trying to make things better. Tell Jay where you're at on all of this and make sure he understands the gravity of the situation and that you're willing to work with him to make sex better. One would think he would want to take the steps necessary to please you as long as you're being reasonable about it. But if you just let things fester, they're bound to blow up and it wouldn't be fair to either of you to have to deal with that.

[chickadeedee]

I personally don't think you can quantify whether a relationship works or not (i.e., 80/20) because you have to weight certain things differently, and sometimes even small things can become dealbreakers if there a many small things or a single big thing that is a source of incompatibility and conflict.

 

Sex is a HUGE part of a romantic relationship and the difference between why someone is a partner/spouse vs. just friends. So if there is a significant mismatch there, you are better friends than partners if you can't find a way to work around an incompatibility. And no one should be forced to constantly do something they find unsavory or unpleasant in the name of they 'should' like to do it or 'should' want to do it just because someone is their partner. For example, many people do indeed hate giving oral. And many people want some oral for every encounter they have or they feel 'cheated' or like they can't really enjoy the sex if they don't get it. Neither is 'wrong,' but they are indeed incompatible if the one thing that one person hates is the one thing the other person feels they need as part of the sexual repetoire.

 

And you can't have a double standard. As in all women SHOULD want to do anal or all men SHOULD want to give oral every time they have sex with a woman. Those are things that can be perceived as very pleasurable and exciting by one person, and absolutely excruciatingly unpleasant by another.

 

So that comes back to the idea of 'settling.' I personally don't believe in settling. And by settling I mean, agreeing to be someone's partner because you want a partner and don't want to be alone and see having a partner as preferable to no partner so you feel the need to select someone (anyone) and hammer that square peg into the round hole because you feel you 'ought' to take someone/anyone into your life.

 

Every person needs to be perfectly content on their own (and figure out how to do that if they aren't) so that when it comes time to selecting a partner, they have that moment when they say YES, this is the person where I am better off with this person than alone, and I feel no desire whatsoever to look elsewhere for someone else because this person makes me so happy and contented I don't have the desire to do that. And if they have that 'restless' feeling or still think they might 'do better,' then they are not ready to commit to that person. Perhaps they are not ready to commit to that person yet and need more time to cement the bond, or maybe that person really isn't compatible enough to make each other happy for the long term and they need to figure that out and let go.

 

So you need to stop looking for a generic part, a widget to stick into your life because you feel you need a partner or like some of the perks of being in a relationship vs. being alone. You need to live your life happily on your own, and continue to date until you meet a person and have a bond that seems so overwhelmingly right on multiple levels that you can't imagine life without the person, and aren't looking around and counting what is wrong with the relationship, but rather reveling in what is RIGHT in the relationship to the point that you're thrilled with the person and have no real desire to be anywhere else but with your beloved.

 

If you're still looking around, or you have a roving sense of discontentment for whatever reason, you are not ready to commit and the person may or may not be right for you, but they are not REALLY right for you until you feel that click and realize you don't really care whether you get oral or not because you are just itching to get your hands on the guy and feel his touch and you will find a way to get off with him one way or another. So if not getting oral is a significant problem for the OP, she needs to investigate further before committing to the guy. Maybe this guy is not right for her because she really really NEEDS oral to be content with a romantic partner, or maybe she's just not excited enough by the guy sexually to be so excited by his touch that they can find some other middle ground that does it for them both, or maybe she's still ambivalent about him and not really sure he is right for her (in which case he shoudln't be moving in with her yet).

 

Or maybe he is right for her, and she just has to spend a little more time dating and working on the sexual aspect (or anything else that is making her discontented) to see if they can overcome that difference between them and still be content. But if that sense of contentment with the other person is not there, then no big commitment should be made either because life is long and it is contentment and a sense that the relationship is right and that you can't 'do better' than your partner or your life won't be better without the partner that keeps a relationship going, and a creeping and growing sense of discontentment that breaks people up over time (research shows that).

[testcase]

Not all men enjoy oral. He was upfront that he hates it. She knew that going into this and decided to stick it out regardless. He shouldn't have to perform it if he hates it but he needs to put in effort to please her in other ways.

 

Hate to bring up a double standard but if a woman here said that she hated oral (esp if she had a bad experience), you'd have Hell rain down on you if you said "Well, and woman can perform oral. You need to do it for your relationship."

I'm not sure if this was a response to me but I agree. I'm just saying sex is a dealbreaker for me. I've met many women who don't like giving oral. I'm not in a relationship with them. I have to feel that chemistry and I think that's something you know very early on with sex.

 

We also keep bringing up the oral. It sounds like things aren't good in other places either. I mean if you're a guy and you can't last a while you need to figure out how to fix that. I'm not saying you have to last for 2 hours a night but 5 minutes probably isn't going to be good enough for many girls.

 

Basically you just can't be a selfish lover. Both men and women can be guilty of this though I'd assume it's a more common problem with men. I have no scientific data to back that up.

[faraday]

I wish I had never posted about this.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[mhowe]

Don't know if anyone has noticed, but Faraday has stopped posting in her own journal.

[WithLove]

Well, in any case, I know you'll do what you need to do based on what your heart knows to be true and right. I wish you good luck and I hope you'll keep us updated on the situation - but if you don't, well, I still wish you good luck regardless!

[Fudgie]

We seem to do that a lot here, someone posts something and then a big discussion ensues and then we don't notice that OP has quietly backed away from the crazy people. It's okay faraday. You'll figure things out.

[testcase]

Ya I'll back off posting here for a bit. I'm sure you'll figure it out. I just wanted to add some support and say you're never crazy for feeling the way you feel. If you feel like you're settling there's something there. You don't have to act on it but pay attention to it!

[ynguns251]

I think you will be fine I know it's hard to meet that special someone but as others on here have told me "Patience" I wish you the best of luck and from a guys perspective I find single mothers to be very kind and also great companions. I think it all has to do with maturity and values and having a child really is a gift unfortunately I am not allowed to see my daughter more than 5 hours a month because my ex is spiteful and states that she breast-feeds and refuses to pump. I stay positive anymore I know you can't look back and I keep looking forward and hopefully you will too.

 

Jim

[ynguns251]

I agree sex is a major part and if you are not happy in this aspect how can you grow into a meaningful relationship right?. I advise all to be careful and use protection especially after the situation I am in.

[browneyedgirl36]

Don't know if anyone has noticed, but Faraday has stopped posting in her own journal.

 

I noticed, and honestly, I would too.

 

Some topics are really sensitive and difficult to talk about, which is why people bring them here -- to muse aloud and try to sort through things. While this suggests the desire for advice, I think we also need to pause and think about how helpful our advice is -- and where that advice is actually coming from. I feel that sometimes, people post so much from their own frame of reference -- i.e. "I wouldn't put up with that" or "I would break up with him" or whatever -- applying their own standards, needs and wants to other people's situations -- that at some point, it stops being helpful and becomes a bit overwhelming for the original poster. This is not the same as sharing one's own experiences to show solidarity or empathy, which can be helpful. There is a point where some advice can come accross as rigid and strident, and it loses its helpfulness.

 

Don't get me wrong -- I think a lot of the advice on this site is helpful, but sometimes it feels as though the original poster's situation gets lost in a crowd of voices all pushing and shoving one another to offer the *best* advice, hence the hasty retreat of the OP and the reluctance to further share any thoughts and feelings on what, to him or her, is a very significant issue.

 

Anyway....faraday, I hope you'll keep posting here, and I hope that you'll PM those you feel comfortable discussing this issue with if you don't feel comfortable discussing it here any further. Your journal is fun and interesting to read, too, so I'd hate to see you stop posting on it.

[WithLove]

At the very least, please feel free to keep posting your beautiful artwork!

[happpybear]

Oh sorry, yeah..I guess this one took on a life of it's own....please come back

[faraday]

So my friend that I went out with a few months ago (that was flirting a lot at the bar even though she's married) showed up at my door last night. Her husband has been beating her. She's decided to leave...she came last night to ask if I could let her daughter and her live here for a few months.

 

Today I'm painting the spare room. It's clementines old room, so it's muraled in unicorns and fairies...I talked to jay about getting his spare bed in here for them...they move in tonight.