New Journal

[itsallgrand]

It was my first day back to work after a ten day break from ALL THINGS WORK. That is the longest vacation/time away I've had in years.

 

You walk in with a fresh pair of eyes after being away. Even for that little while.

 

A few things:

I do need to take time away more often.

I found myself getting bored - first day back! How can you get bored, there is so much work to do?! Well I do my work. It isn't challenging enough anymore.

 

Overall, the conclusion is:

time to break this workaholic streak that I've been on,

and get back to the business of a balanced life.

 

Waiting to hear back on a few prospects,

Getting my diet/exercise goals back on track/re energized

More variety in what I do day to day;

keep carving out more time for people I want more of in my life,

enjoy and don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Time for a nap. Then a hike! I've been wanting to check out this one spot for forever.

[itsallgrand]

The hike was fun, and we did a lot of laughing.

Felt good.

 

Felt good also to stick with what I set out to do, food wise, today.

 

Not going too extreme. At least not now. And dropping a lot of my treats; but the coffee with cream and sugar in the morning is staying. For now. It is the hardest to give up for me.

[itsallgrand]

So to expel some thoughts before the night comes to a close for me, get it out of my system...

 

Noticing the better I get, the more I appreciate the little things and the people in my life. And the more energy I feel these days. And going - though it's been a long time coming for me - from a tight wanting and instinctual wanting to fight everything (mostly emotions), to a place of seeing the smarts of acceptance. How it all fits together. Instead of getting upset about which disappoints, does not meet my needs, does not validate me, more and more a place of wanting to get to the root of the feeling and actually meeting the need. Oh novel concept.

Yet it took getting through so much murk and brambles to even begin this process.

It serves no purpose comparing myself to others. Nor beating myself that I'm here now; and thinking I "should" have done all this and been all this a long time ago.

I honestly did the best I could.

 

.....

 

So today my coworkers were talking about movies they've watched recently. One brought up "the human centipede".

I've seen it as an option on Netlfix; wouldn't even read the description, because horror is not what I want to feed myself. And it was clear it was a horror flick.

Well she proceeds to describe it all, and I even told her how I don't watch those kinds of movies because I am sensitive to those types of things. As silly as it might be (I was thinking she might think I was being silly and over dramatic to not want to talk about it).

 

Even the descriptions disturbed me, and I've had a bit of a struggle keeping bad thoughts out of my head today.

So there I said it.

 

It's thingsl ike that which remind me. Of how far I've come. And what my experience was for so long.

 

And that the best move I ever made was to decide, it was ok, it was ok to admit it all to someone and get help for it.

 

To drop the shame about it. And make a commitment to treat myself well. As well as needed. And screw what others may think about that.

 

........................

 

Well I want some sweet dreams tonight. So I'm carrying with me the love and warm of that which I know is good in this world. There is good. Gotta keep my eyes and all focused there. Release the rest.

[itsallgrand]

Today has been one of those days with people blowing up my phone. And literally pounding on my door.

 

It's so important to stay healthy and take care of oneself. And to know your value.

 

Peace is so important to me now. And just. The simple things.

 

I don't even know what to say at this point.

[itsallgrand]

I'm filled with love and quiet determination today. Something great is happening to me. And no - it's not a guy I met or are dating. It's life and me.

The kid grows up.

 

Tomorrow is a very early morning to work, and being the boss for a while again. No, the big boss. haha. Who cares?! Well it doesn't matter. But I do enjoy it. And I think I'm pretty good at it. So it's a little more challenge for me for the next week or two in this one avenue.

 

And then to the farmers market and some time spent with one of my favorite people. To pick out some nice produce and gab. Then the evening, to visit with people and enjoy seeing some people I've missed. Missed badly. I'll have to see what all they are going to want to do most.

 

Sunday, I'll have to see to the garden and some should be ready to be harvested. And I've got to prune down and check up on the apple trees. And go collect some books and things from a friend.

 

I've got to get my home organized in this next week for some of the changes that are going to be happening.

 

I'm doing well with my eating. And I've been enjoying adding more exercise too. Was stagnant on this front for too long : always so tired from working, and unmotivated not enjoying it the way I can. Trying a few new activities is right up there on my list again; overall wanting to inject more variety. The holy triad of swimming yoga and hiking is growing a bit stale.

Haven't even been out golfing yet this year! And I've been wanting to get back to some time with some martial orientated workouts.

 

Anyways, feeling well today. We tried carbonating some green tea today. Not bad.

[itsallgrand]

Got a lot of positive energy at work today. Wanted to write this. It was so positive; there were moments I got suspicious. Am I a little suspicious of positive things and feelings coming my way? Yes, sometimes.

It made me think though, I'm pretty sure it was because I was genuinely feeling so positive and warm towards everyone today. At least in part.

 

Someone was singing this song today...which was funny...and made me laugh out loud...what a coincidence...and after not hearing it for ages, hearing it several times...

 

[video=youtube;HjKdLdPPiKM]

[itsallgrand]

I'm not eating sweets (made with all that delicious stuff such as butter, cream, sugar). It's been two weeks now.

 

Today kept thinking of clafoutis. Someone here - Irish Apple - wanted a danish. Today all I wanted was clafoutis. Cherry, of course, cherry.

 

Someone made me Thanksgiving dinner samosas. I love you.

 

The man at work, had these gorgeous home made tortillas and a bean mixture that made my mouth water.

 

My garden haul was beautiful: better than I was hoping for, and it's only starting. And we picked over ten litres of berries. Some apples ready and that will be apple sauce and pies and desserts for others: on a day I'm not feeling so shaky over the sugar.

 

Well, it's food on my mind today. And love.

[itsallgrand]

It was a little boy who made my day today. Maybe 7-8. A smart little spark in the midst of silly adults.

His mother doesn't like to let him talk.

He has an OBVIOUS talent for math and entrepreneurship. It's obvious so young.

Now how will get directed?

Drugs, gangs, calculating....or he could be a businessman. Or anything really.

 

Well you know how sometimes you take an instant liking to someone, young old inbetween, you take a liking. This kid was it for me.

 

Big brown eyes and smart as a whip.

[itsallgrand]

Went grocery shopping today and bought a lot of good food. The only thing I bought which was "iffy" and with sugar was a big bar of 78% chocolate. Well, it has antioxidants. And if I really want a treat, chocolate does the trick the best.

 

Then a few friends wanted to go to a buffet for dinner. One is going to be starting a 'diet' (hate that word!). So I guess thinking about it and with it starting, she wanted to binge a bit?! I don't know. Quote "I want meat and lots of it". haha.

 

Buffets. And this is why I rarely ever go to a buffet. I ate too much. And feel bloated and icky now. They were actually joking "that's all you are going to eat?!". I was stuffed. My appetite is always hearty; right now, I am focused on dropping this 5 pounds that I put on that I don't need and just feeling the best I can. I feel good; I've felt better. And I just don't need to be as lenient and eat as much as I have been eating. Mostly it's the sugar that is the culprit.

 

Beyond that. Today was another nice day.

 

Oh yeah. And I finally had a good 4-5 inches cut off from my hair. Feels great. It had gotten longer than it had been since I was a girl; half way down my back. It was strange. Ifeel like I was hanging on to something this time with putting off, putting off, cutting it. It's nothing dramatic and is still long; but it feels and looks (in my opinion) so much better. And the wave is back to curl. Which somehow, seems right.

[itsallgrand]

How am I feeling?! Not bad. Not bad, at all!!

 

Feeling quite good actually. Sailing through seas of outside drama and finally figuring out how to do this. Without becoming upset, or disappointed, or annoyed, or ...well, simply internalizing other people's problems.

Check mark for that!

 

Check mark for the eating.

 

Check mark for work today. Even though it was boiling hot! And it seems like everything started off with an issue. Patience...a virtue?! ha. A long awaited one for me. Yet it's coming now. It's conscious, and some of it is natural too. Horray for that.

 

Feeling on the upswing. In general.

[itsallgrand]

I've got a lot more empathy for my mom these days. Her heart is good; and yet, she has struggled so much to even start to find that sense of self and security inside which had caused so many difficult feelings/lack for me as a kid. It was at the root of her drinking. At the root of her feeling and acting like she is some victim of life. The root of her exploits with men following dads death. And why she couldn't be around for me, and why I always felt like "I know she loves me, but she doesn't actually love me for me, she doesn't see me as a person, she loves me bc I am her kid and that is about it".

 

I listen to her talking to herself and it goes like this "You f ing idiot girl!! You moron!! Oh you really are stupid, aren't you!!".

 

I've started to point this out to her and tell her "hey, stop talking to my mom like that! I love her and she's awesome!". She erupts in giggles and instantly softens. Her boyfriend chimes in "yeah be nice to her mom! She's beautiful and far from an idiot, she's the woman I love." and he goes up and gives her a big bear hug. And she looks like a girl then. A puddle of appreciation and letting herself actually feel it.

 

She's come a long way. It's been a good long while since I saw her drunk. She respects that I won't be around her if she is drinking. And she is simply so much more of the woman she always could be: stronger, more self assured, more willing to stand up for herself, more willing to take responsibility for the choices she makes. For which I am very proud of her.

 

I had been thinking lately; that particular family, which she exposed me to (and herself to) so much for so many years, there really is so much toxic that it's layer upon layer of it revealed the more I grow up, the more distance i get, still to this time and it's all so 'obvious' now where for so long, it was still mixed up with who I perceive myself to be and what my worth is.

 

Here is a typical relation between two family members. First, you walk in a room with them in it. And no one says "hello". They turn their face. Maybe make a smart ass comment to someone else in the room. Maybe say nothing. Maybe look at their phone. Next, when two people are interacting, you can't go a few minutes without heavy handed insults being thrown around in the guise of 'just being truthful. just being funny. well f what you think about it. yeah i'm a b/ch, d/ck, and proud of it". Yeah, that mentality. They like to talk about how the genes down the lines were of hard ass militants and tough guys. And no mercy. And yeah, we'd turn on you too if you don't make the cut - 'aren't strong enough'. Aren't strong enough apparently means that as a very small child, to be told you are a 'f ing retard' and to not object but suck it up, is the thing. Aren't strong enough apparently means that you can take a whole lot of abuse and neglect. That is really waht it comes down to: a whole cycling of generations being abused and neglected, and glorifying it. Running with an axe (which I have seen in the family more than once) one kid to another: what do the parents say? "Good, if you cut your arms off, proves you right. Don't bawl to us."

 

So no wonder my mother sometimes says to herself, when she is cutting vegetables and one falls on the floor "You goddamn idiot girl!!".

 

I've never say a bad word to my mother again. Not that I have in years and years; but seriously, NEVER.

[itsallgrand]

Today my long time friend said to me, out of the blue, "You really have come a long, long way."

 

 

 

Nice for all my hard work to be acknowledged like that. And to have someone who has been there through it all. A few someones. That is pretty special.

[Seraphim]

I am so glad your mom can finally find her self worth! It makes it so much better for her and so much better for the both of you.

Eh, what a family huh? It sounds like my dad's family. At least we stopped the cycle.

[itsallgrand]

^ Yes! I do feel like I have broken the cycle. At least with myself. And you too, Victoria! And doing it beautifully.

 

Right now feeling filled up with gratitude.

 

And now for a cheesy metaphor. Which is sincere as it gets at this moment.

 

Feeling like my heart and spirit is like a fire which has been embers for a very long time. Given the right gust of wind, it would flash up briefly, giving a hot flame and sparks. Then the wind shifts, and the fire is down to embers again. Over and over again for a very long time.

 

This last year especially, it has changed. It HAS changed. Perhaps enough hard work of tending to all the debris, all that got in the way, of getting oxygen, of getting proper fuel, of giving enough attention, has finally payed off.

 

The embers are a strong, steady little fire now. Nothing can blow it out. There is always warmth, always light. It's a kindling fire, slowly beginning to get some sticks.

 

It's so beautiful. So beautiful. It is the pure person inside. And sharing, loving, is happiness.

[mhowe]

Read "Broken Open" by Elizabeth Lesser.

 

It talks about how you feel --- transformed.

[itsallgrand]

^Thank you for the recommendation! I will check that out, most definitely. Appreciated.

[itsallgrand]

There is this person who I've held too much dislike and bad feeling for, for too long.

 

Happened to see her today. Decided to really look into her face, talk to her, listen. I've been moody and erratic with her. I haven't treated her as well as I would like to publicly admit.

 

She slipped and almost fell, hurting herself in the bracing for the fall. In that moment, as she was crying out, something let go for me. My first instinct was "are you ok?". And to help her, see if she was alright.

 

The surprising thing today was, I genuinely did hope she was alright. I felt genuine concern.

 

It's a coup. I feel better for it.

 

Genuine concern and empathy, melts so much negativity.

 

The lectures and books that go into detail about 'loving kindness' and its powerful effect on our minds, our health, our ability to find meaning and contentment...

 

it is practice. It really is. You can practice and feed negativity, or you can make a choice and practice and feed positivity. It's not all or nothing; it's a ever changing set of choices and circumstances and a continuum.

 

Small thing perhaps, but feel better for it. It's a much better feeling than the ugly pleasure of seeing someone slip on a banana peel...and waiting with anticipation for the impact.

[Seraphim]

Doesn't that feel like the greatest coup? I don't usually harbour a lasting resentment or dislike for someone but lately I have. It is not a good feeling at all. And the point is that this feeling is utterly ridiculous because they make no difference to my life at all.

[itsallgrand]

Doesn't that feel like the greatest coup? I don't usually harbour a lasting resentment or dislike for someone but lately I have. It is not a good feeling at all. And the point is that this feeling is utterly ridiculous because they make no difference to my life at all.

 

I'm interested now in why how these types of ill feelings and dislike that grows into a ball of bad feeling are made, or how they come to be. I used to experience it more frequently; it is much, much less now.

 

Yeah, it is not a nice feeling at all. I hope you get your little moment where whatever current feeling like that you have gets unclogged the way mine did! It was pretty sweet.

[itsallgrand]

I feel like taking another trip again. Maybe longer this time.

[itsallgrand]

This no sex thing is getting to me. Maybe a bit vulgar, but true. It's all I can think about half the time lately.

 

It made me think. Sex usually is the main motivation for me to commit to a relationship. Is that ridiculous. I don't know exactly what to think or feel about it. I'm not going to judge it right now. I do know that as much as I enjoy being with someone, the urge to commit doesn't get so strong until that point comes where I'm very driven to be having a lot of regular sex. It obviously isn't the only thing I am thinking about when I commit. But it's the only real reason beyond not wanting to share that person with anyone else anymore because of how I much I like and care about them and want them.

 

Wow, this sounds bad. It leaves out love. But love and sex are connected for me. They don't have to be, but that is what I've chosen over and over again. I want them together.

 

Learning a lot about myself. The hardest part about being single for me - not having sex. Jesus. Otherwise it would be great. And I don't mind dating...I just don't like any of that zone of dating and no sex...which is how it has to be for me.

[luminousone]

Awesome, Itsallgrand! I have been reading books with the same themes and I can say it is very freeing!

 

All of us are imperfect but if you focus on the good sides of each person then it seems to bring that out. A little like when you get a red car and all of a sudden you begin to see red cars all over the place- and before that you never noticed them. What you pay attention to will persist.

 

And it is such a benefit for yourself, to be immersed in the light of forgiveness, loving kindness, and positive energy.

[itsallgrand]

Thank you, liminousone. I appreciate that.

[itsallgrand]

This morning, I'm very happy to wake up with a sense of "anything is possible today" and feeling good. Got up early to relax before having to leave the house, and enjoying it a lot.

Trying to go to bed a little earlier to make sure I am getting good sleep. It makes a world of difference.

[itsallgrand]

Wrap me up in music tonight. I don't wanna think.

 

Only move. Move. Move.

 

At least, I'll be in killer shape again when this is all over.

 

expletives.