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it creates a sense of urgency we do not know earlier in our life.


That's true. I changed career direction after one of my best friends passed away. And it humbled me in many ways..something just forever changed in me. Nothing beats the loss though but it's true it shakes people up. For me it was not liberating in any way but I hear for some it is.


what am I doing to put myself in a position to know guys like that, and get to know them?


That's an interesting question. I wonder what indeed..!

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I'm sorry about your friend, quirky. I haven't yet experienced that sort of loss. The loss of a dear friend.


The answer to the question is....not enough!! There is much more I can be doing. So that is something to get my behind into gear about.


I am curious as to what you may come up with, I will copy it for myself!

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I am curious as to what you may come up with, I will copy it for myself!


I'll keep updated.




[video=youtube;8zo3BrFLsy4] ]


This week I am going to focus on redirecting my mind, when it strays, which it often does, to that which I do want. Really let myself see it, feel it, experience what it feels like, what it may look like, get excited.


I've struggled with negativity for a long portion of my life. Doing better with it. Yet been stuck in this limbo world of 'meh' for a while now. 'good enough'.


One of the insights I gained talking about that man with my friend was exactly how much of my energy is spent worrying/thinking about that which is not positive. Ok; I may never be little miss sunshine. BUT. I can do better as far as aligning myself with that which I want to have more of in my life.


I read an interesting piece the other day about how to use the natural inclinations of your brain to break habits and make changes. One point I want to write here (because writing reinforces and helps me learn things) is how in order to break a habit successfully, having something positive which you are going towards is much better of a motivator in the long than having a negative. So to reframe and relook at things which you see as negatives you want to change, towards a positive you want to move towards. And begin living that as though it is already happening.


Makes sense. And having spent a good chunk of my life working getting away or rid of things or people which I didn't want or wanted to change......it is going to need some priority for a while if I want to make serious gains and make it start to feel natural for me to frame things in the positive.

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Having trouble sleeping. Sleep for a bit, wake up. Too many thoughts going through my head, too many feelings.

Had a scary day yesterday.

Wrote all about it for myself in a separate spot, but private details are going to stay off enotalone.

Enough to say that I sincerely thought, for good reason, that I was going to lose my mom and by some miracle everything is now alright. In a very short time, full on crisis situation and fearing for her life and now she is home and alright.

It's a bit of a mind screw. Still not totally comfortable with the all is well , got to give that a bit more time for me to trust it. And for my vigilance to relax fully again.


Tossing and turning in bed, my thoughts were of how much love I have for her, and who all and what all is important to me.

When things like that happen, and you see people mobilize or drop out, it can really bring things into perspective. Having such a scare can bring things in perspective.


It sure sorts out the men from the boys, the girls from the women. And who is there for you.


I am grateful,

for those I love being well tonight, safe and sound.

for those who give me endless support, and love me, even when things are less than fun. the whole other end of being fun.

to live in a place where medical care can be accessed so quickly and easily, and the high quality of it.

for my own heart and all the hard work i have put in - did it ever pay off. if i needed something out there to drill it home to me and show me exactly how, yesterday i saw how. I was able to really be there for someone I love and feel my own emotions at the same time.


Tears are streaming down my face as I write this, and I am not ashamed. I am happy. I have a full heart tonight, and one that has so much to give. I can be myself and that be enough. I can fully engage in life.


These are things I did not think possible, for great portions of my life.


I also was thinking about how the heart really is like a muscle. You use it, or it can atrophy. It's good to be reminded mine is working fine!


I do plan on using it more now though. I see now what i have to give. I see now how to nourish that. I see now how it is completely, absolutely up to me to do this. And the very good reasons, benefits, and sense of it. Loving til your heart is overflowing, and use what you got - always, stretch and use and enjoy what you got - because that is living. Exactly.


All else pretty much leads to stagnation, death, a crippled up existence. This works on all the levels of being: emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.


I have some experience and accomplishments to draw on, we all do. When we struggle with one, why not draw off one that is strong. I have been devoted in my physical maintenance and training, I can do it with my heart (emotional). I have full confidence now that I am dealing with a healthy one - that was always was it was, wasnt it? As corny as it is, I have been stuck in a state of believing my heart was broken. If it had been a muscle, I would have tested it more. Did a little more every day. But I didn't do this with my heart. Why not?


It's alright though because now I know better.


Quite the emotional week.

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I really opened myself up to someone today, and it turned out better than I would have expected. It's something that hasn't always been easy to do.

I am aware that some of this may be due to recent emotional situations, and feeling more willing to be vulnerable right now and a desire to be close. But my rational side - it's all here. That is immensely satisfying. This isn't brainless; it's all conscious aware choice.


I really want to carve some time tomorrow to get to the gym. That would be perfect.

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Got to the gym yesterday, and it helped greatly as far as getting out some stress and keeping my mood level.


This month I'd like to ramp it up at the gym. It's been, it is, a long winter. And been feeling it lately. Kicking it up a notch or two at the gym would help.


Also, now that I decided to put myself out there more this year as far as dating goes, I want to look and feel my best walking into this.

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Oh yeah. So now that January has rolled to a close, time for a very quick biopsy.

What did I do with it?


Well I am proud of myself for turning down more hours at work. And getting myself more on track as far as getting a better balance there goes. And while doing this, work has actually been BETTER and I've been happier when I am there. Sigh. Long over due to cut back. Well I am doing it now.


On the emotional front, it was quite the one. I think I have handled it quite well. And I'm proud of myself for that.


I've been feeling overall - positive, optimistic, more grounded. As funny as it sounds, I am feeling 'more grown up'.


I noticed yesterday, even though I was quite tired, that there was a definite confidence about me now. That sure feels great!!


Hello February

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  • 2 weeks later...

Right now I'm trying to remember, and remind myself by paying attention!, that work is the means. Not the end.

In other words: don't get sucked into working like a dog. Nothing wrong with hard work. Even working a lot of hours. Sometimes on less than stimulating, fulfilling in its own right work.

Though I have to say, today I had a lot of fun at work! I felt so confident, and clear, and focused. And some of the frustration fo the last while has broken up, as there is some new ease about maneovering and communicating with difficult people and the blocks they create in the workforce (and life!) to positive gains being made. And by difficult people I mean the whole slew - the incompetent, the over achievers, the keeners, the butt kissers, the wimps, the entitled and lazy.

They are everywhere, so better learn to live with it - ain't going away any time soon. And my holding on to the idea, idealism really, that there is any place where you can purge them out, well, my mantra for the last while has been "you need to just calm down. is this worth raising the blood pressure?". Ok, sometimes it is. A lot less than it was before though, so that is progress!!

But if I am going to do it now, it's gonna be 1) on my terms and clearly decided by me 2) with a specific purpose and as a means to the bigger picture.


The last few years may have been about learning that lesson. As part. Calm down. Access. Think. Listen to your emotions. As a way of not being controlled by them. You ignore them; they don't go away. And the next thing you know, you are doing something and standing outside yourself seeing intellectually "oh I see exactly what I am doing here. Too bad I didn't listen to what my emotions were saying! could have avoided all this".


I find myself thinking more about, lately,

oooh I need a vacation. A REAL one. A real trip and change of scenery.

Love. Romantic love, yes. But also more generally, love and appreciation of people and life.

New directions. New things I'd like to try.


I feel so much more secure as a person.

Yet. I feel like the world itself, was a much safer place when I was younger.

Is this what all people think as they get a bit older?

Is there any reality to it, or not?

It's hard to actually know. The world is, certainly, different.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think the winter is starting to really affect my mood. Despite my best efforts to not let it. It's been one of the, if not the, longest winters of my life time. And I am used to, and like, winter.

But I think it may be starting to drive me, and a lot of people, a little bit crazy.


I've been feeling sluggish, and drained. Physically, and mentally and emotionally. Things are starting to look monotonous and narrow. A lot like driving the other day and having that tunnel effect kick in - where you start to feel a little bit disorientated and like you just need to rest. Not even hibernate at this point; just rest. Kick off my clothes, close my eyes, and relax in the sun.


I usually have zero problem finding motivation to go to work. I wake up, and feel "I don't want to go to work today. Really?! Another day of that?!".


And when I'm home, I don't necessarily want to be at home. And when I'm out, Idont necessarily want to be out.


I think, if there has ever been a case of "you need a vacation; bad" - I've got it about now.


It's a tempting thought. Kicking off, packing a bag, and hopping a plane to somewhere else for a while.

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Going to the atrium and zoo tomorrow. Hang out in the bird house for a while.


It was nasty cold today. Dead of winter, crazy cold and white.


I am tired. I am trying to think positive thoughts. Get plans rolling so everything will be set when the weather breaks. SO I can take full advantage of it. Been working out and eating fairly well over all, getting in better shape. Have planned and even started some seedlings to plant in spring. Have been saving money for an actual trip. Going through all my paper work (tax time coming up) and cleaning house, literally and financially. Gone through closets. Got rid of old stuff. Gone through clothes. Took stock of my lighter weather things. Rearranged the rooms, strung an old guitar.


I am bored. That is my main problem at the moment. You know what they say, too, eh. If you are bored, you are boring. It's not that hard to imagine there is some truth to that.


One thing I have come to understand about myself is that I have prized security so highly, that there are a lot of healthy risks I have avoided for large chunks of my life. Even goal setting, in a longer range, has been a challenge. A huge challenge at certain points, getting easier and easier with time now. But still, a challenge.


Remember, this year I dedicated to expansion. So I can't forget that. I am going to need to push myself to take more risks.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I haven't written in here for a while. I've been making an effort to getting back in touch with what I really enjoy and what it is that I want driving my life.


Also, lost someone I cared about, a death. When the phone call came, I got real scared it was about my mom. This is ugly to admit, but when I heard it was not her that passed away, my first feeling was relief. Then sadness, when it sunk in that he had died and circumstances around it. Unexpectedly, and he was alone in his house, and that had been something I had worried about for him. But he was able to make his own mind up about it, and he chose to stay in his home. He was in eighties, and a good friend to me.


I've done more thinking about my future in this month than I have perhaps in my whole life. There was a time, not so very long ago, where I was in my twenties and believing that I would never even live this far along! It's pretty wild to think of that now. I plan and believe now that I have a good chance to live a very long time, and for it to be a very full and wonderful life. It is just odd to be standing here now in my thirties and only now feeling like I have 'come to my senses' about what life really has on offer. I can do whatever I want - it has been myself holding me back for so long. Mechanizations inside, beliefs, worries, fear.


I've always been responsible. And that 'type'. Even when I was a little girl. I've never been reckless. The closest I ever came to that was a year or two of smoking pot (and too much of) and the occasional bad decision like we all have. Some stupid mistakes; but never reckless.


I feel safe. And I feel comfortable. And eager at the same time.


Just reflecting on what rare luxury it has been to be temporarily bored. Bored, and nothing else behind it. But can't sit in bored for too long....got to keep pushing.


It's still snowing here, but the temperature is starting to warm up. There have even been some days above freezing. I'm really ready for some warmth and sunshine this year. and...I'm taking my holiday time in full this year. No excuses from myself! I need it, and I certainly earned it.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I was teetering on the edge of a mini break down today. Just too much coming at me at once, I think.

I teetered - but I got myself back from it. That is a success.

Another success is that in the last oh how long - months - I haven't once gotten truly angry. Nor truly filled with that fear and loathing that used to be so familiar. I can't believe I lived with it for so long. I have finally learned, actually learned, how to be a more mature person about those emotions. It almost seems easy now. Easier not to. And that feels really really good.

But my stress management - life management - skills could still use some work. I suppose it is something that you just have to put the work into, and earn it. The credibility and character, the experience, the skills of dealing with things in a healthy way.

So I'm not perfect. But it's a long ways from where I used to be.

My goal was to stop the tide of the dysfunction inherited and learned. Like, eh, the buck stops here, at me. And I do think I am doing that. I am moving in a new direction now. Once infinity more joyful and filled with hope.

That sense of hopelessness, that the very worst will happen all the time - it doesn't have its claws in me like it once did.

I access now more rationally.

I express now more plainly.

I do the things necessarily to keep up and building my level of self trust and caring. And that shows when it comes to my relationships with other people now - I feel like I have more to give now.


What held me back was believing, and knowing, there just wasn't enough in my tank to give. I couldn't have committed to a marriage, kids. I couldn't have. I knew I had to figure out my own self first. Even if meant taking a long time. Couldn't worry about that. Because it simply wasn't a real option to me to do those things while messed up. What kind of a wife could I be? Or a mother? All the good intentions and love in the world can't make up for that.


So I can't say I regret making that choice.


But I'm ready to share myself with someone again now. I'm not scared any more. It doesn't fill me with panic. What if he asks for something I don't feel I can give?? Etc.


We'll see. In the meantime, plugging away at making a happy life for myself. And being as healthy, as best the version of myself, that I can be.


I don't feel like my best. But I don't feel like my worst! I feel like someone who has reclaimed their life. And of course there was neglect and damage done. But I am doing it , I am getting there. And that is the best I can do. So I can't help but be more proud than down about that.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm not feeling very awesome at the moment.


Don't even want to write. Not even in a journal. Online or private on paper. Don't want to talk it through.


Noting it here. Simply the fact that tonight I am feeling pretty low emotionally.


I've learned that sometimes there isn't some big reason for this. And sometimes the best thing is to wait until tomorrow to see if it's actually a problem. Maybe it's nothing. Just waking up in a mood, and that mood doesn't shake.


It's beautiful out. There are lots of good things going on. So don't torture myself trying to figure out 'what is going on? what's my damn problem?'. Just going to wait until tomorrow.

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