Please! Why are girls so MEAN to me in REAL life and on HERE?!

[capuccino83]

I'm honestly really confused about why people suggest Psychologists and Therapy.

They are probably going to tell me the same thing, right? Work out, Try to find a job, get self-confidence.

I'm going to tell them what you guys already know... How would they benefit me? I'm honestly really confused about it. I'm not the type to hold things back that often.

 

The difference is that you meet this psychologists on a regular basis and they know what kind of questions to ask to get to the root of the issue. Self confidence is more than just feel confident. It's realizing when and why you are not feeling confident, why you willingly put yourself in situations that hurt you (such as with this girl), what's missing in your life and more importantly.. the tools to deal with all of these things. All we can tell you is what you should do.. how is very personalized.

[greywolf]

I'm honestly really confused about why people suggest Psychologists and Therapy.

They are probably going to tell me the same thing, right? Work out, Try to find a job, get self-confidence.

I'm going to tell them what you guys already know... How would they benefit me? I'm honestly really confused about it. I'm not the type to hold things back that often.

 

I think some of your resistance to all of this might be due to fear. Maybe you're scared of change or you're scared of failure.

[Slimpee]

 

Even if you did get a girlfriend, I think it would be hard for you to have a good relationship because you attach so much of your self-esteem to it, so you should forget about it for the time being. .

 

This is SOOOOOO right! A relationship can't solve any of your problems. And you won't be able to be in a good relationship until you fix your self-esteem, confidence and pride issues.

 

Dude, seriously, you HAVE to get your head in the right place. Women will follow. I promise.

 

Edit: I hate to say this but the gist of your numerous posts indicates that you want quick fix...a woman to help you validate yourself and make yourself feel better but you don't want to put in the work to get to the point where these feelings come from within.

 

I would LOVE to help you personally (and i know that i could) but i'm not sure you'd listen...and that's a shame

[Dougie_D]

Edit: I hate to say this but the gist of your numerous posts indicates that you want quick fix...a woman to help you validate yourself and make yourself feel better but you don't want to put in the work to get to the point where these feelings come from within.

 

I don't understand what you are saying. Yes, I do agree I want to have a woman to help me validate myself and make myself feel better about myself. But I don't know what you mean about putting the work to make these feelings come within.

 

Are you talking about OTHER feelings? OTHER feelings that have nothing to do with getting a girlfriend?

 

If I don't have a girlfriend, then how do I know I'm worthy to someone? I'm a FACTUAL person. If I can't see it, touch it, etc...I don't believe it's there. I can convince myself I'm WORTHY to MYSELF, everyday, all day, etc... but I want to be WORTHY for someone ELSE than myself.

[greywolf]

Also, the older you get, the less important your birthday is. Fact.

[greywolf]

I don't understand what you are saying. Yes, I do agree I want to have a woman to help me validate myself and make myself feel better about myself. But I don't know what you mean about putting the work to make these feelings come within.

 

Are you talking about OTHER feelings? OTHER feelings that have nothing to do with getting a girlfriend?

 

If I don't have a girlfriend, then how do I know I'm worthy to someone? I'm a FACTUAL person. If I can't see it, touch it, etc...I don't believe it's there. I can convince myself I'm WORTHY to MYSELF, everyday, all day, etc... but I want to be WORTHY for someone ELSE than myself.

 

If you're not sure if you're worthy to someone, then how can you show someone that you are worthy? If you can't see what makes you a worthy person, how is anyone else going to see it? What have you got to offer another person?

[Dougie_D]

If you're not sure if you're worthy to someone, then how can you show someone that you are worthy? If you can't see what makes you a worthy person, how is anyone else going to see it? What have you got to offer another person?

 

I feel like I am worthy to girls! Especially when many woman have said "You would be a great boyfriend", "You know how to treat girls and give them what they want".

 

Are these girls lying to me??!!! That's how I feel! I feel like sometimes I have something that is WORTHY to them but they look for reasons not to be interested in me.

 

Ok..so you asked: What have you got to offer another person?

 

Well, what are they looking for? Attractive and fit? Sorry... Nice and polite? I'm on top of that!

[agent1607307371]

If they're not dating you... it's called being polite. If you were a catch as a boyfriend, you would have girls wanting to go out with you.

 

You're desperate Dougie, and that puts women off more than any else ever could.

[timlondon]

Well, what are they looking for? Attractive and fit? Sorry... Nice and polite? I'm on top of that!

 

Nice and polite is what people want in a waiter. Attractive, comfortable in their own skin, independently financed, motivated - that's what people want in a partner (of either gender). You aren't getting where you want to be at the moment. Time to make some changes.

[Huntress0527]

I don't understand what you are saying. Yes, I do agree I want to have a woman to help me validate myself and make myself feel better about myself. But I don't know what you mean about putting the work to make these feelings come within.Are you talking about OTHER feelings? OTHER feelings that have nothing to do with getting a girlfriend?

 

If I don't have a girlfriend, then how do I know I'm worthy to someone? I'm a FACTUAL person. If I can't see it, touch it, etc...I don't believe it's there. I can convince myself I'm WORTHY to MYSELF, everyday, all day, etc... but I want to be WORTHY for someone ELSE than myself.

 

You can't have a woman validate your worth. You have to do that for yourself before you can share that with someone else. If YOU don't believe you are worthy even if a woman told you you were you would only be suspicious of them.

[FathomFear]

Dougie, I suspect you would probably be better served to work on other areas of your life first. Getting a job, becoming independent, etc. Not only will doing these things increase your confidence, they'll likely naturally improve your chances in the dating realm. It almost seems like you're trying to put the cart before the horse at this point.

[Generation]

I'm honestly really confused about why people suggest Psychologists and Therapy.

 

I think it's a waste of money, offensive to you and your situation, and not very helpful especially if they have you doing some self actualization undirected therapy. It's a bad idea people. Bad bad bad.

 

You know what you gotta do. It'll take time, effort, blood and sweat, and some positive reinforcement (we're here for ya), but you'll become a better man in time.

[capuccino83]

I don't understand what you are saying. Yes, I do agree I want to have a woman to help me validate myself and make myself feel better about myself. But I don't know what you mean about putting the work to make these feelings come within.

 

Are you talking about OTHER feelings? OTHER feelings that have nothing to do with getting a girlfriend?

 

If I don't have a girlfriend, then how do I know I'm worthy to someone? I'm a FACTUAL person. If I can't see it, touch it, etc...I don't believe it's there. I can convince myself I'm WORTHY to MYSELF, everyday, all day, etc... but I want to be WORTHY for someone ELSE than myself.

 

that's like me saying, I'm going to go to a beauty pageant, and if I dont win, its a fact that I'm ugly. I refuse to feel good about myself unless I have a crown, and will not do anything to improve my attractiveness long term, such as a healthy diet and skin care routine, unless they tell me I'm pretty first. Oh and since I didnt win and I'm ugly, I'll also let my friends, family and guys treat me like crap... only pretty people deserve respect.

[bulletproof]

I think it's a waste of money, offensive to you and your situation, and not very helpful especially if they have you doing some self actualization undirected therapy. It's a bad idea people. Bad bad bad.

 

 

I don't therapy is a bad idea. The o.p. holds some seriously detrimental beliefs that are holding him back from the most basic adult goals. He has been going in circles for a very long time now. Sometimes we just need a little help. I also don't see how it's offensive to him/his situation. Nobody here is trying to offend anyone, but sometimes issues come up that are beyond the scope of an online forum.

[stilllooking31]

Oh man, seriously. Everyone has rough spots in their life, which is why we're on here. I'm divorced and that aftermath was horrific, but now we are honestly friends...so good things do come out of bad situations.

 

But honestly, your next relationship will end abruptly again if you don't get your lack of self-esteem, neediness, whining, melodrama, self-victimization, and desperation under control.

 

A girl will take a confident, ambitious, hard-working, out-of-shape and average-looking guy before they'll take an unconfident, unemployed, needy, and gorgeous gym-rat.

[galaxy71]

I oppose the idea of therapy for Dougie. I think the constant rejection and lonliness is damaging his confidence, not the other way around. I don't think that his depression is severe compared to this other guy on another website who is just as inexperienced as the OP. The other guy talks about commiting suicide and has no friends. While Dougie doesn't have a stable 9-5 job, he is doing some freelance work in the music industry. I think that the big difference between OP and most intexperienced guys is that he doesn't have to deal with the major hurdles of being shy and antisocial. Dougie is a social guy who enjoys going to bars. I think most of the inexperienced guys are shy guys who keep to themselves. I think he is much closer to getting a girlfriend than the shy guys in the shyness folder. Forget therapy. I remember how Lightbulbsun said that his therapist was clueless about giving advice on dating because the therapist got into relationships through pure luck.

 

I think that the neediness and clinginess are some of the psychological damage that results from being lonely. I remember that the OP moved out of his parents home and hired a personal trainer. He has made a lot of progress. I think that the OP needs a dating coach to work on his appearance, body langauge, and conversational skills. Treat the root cause. Working on negative beliefs is only treating the symptoms.

 

I remember a post where some woman talked about putting guys into three categories. She puts guys in the creepy category, friend category, and possibly more than friends category. I think that women are putting the OP into the friends category.

 

By the way, Dougie, you should have made a move on your crush a long time ago. I think that the window of opportunity closed when you made no attempt to kiss her in the first few interactions you had with her. I think that when your crush met you, she put you into the possibly more than friends category. Because you failed to make a move, and she enjoyed your company, she moved you into the friends category.

[bulletproof]

I oppose the idea of therapy for Dougie. I think the constant rejection and lonliness is damaging his confidence, not the other way around. I don't think that his depression is severe compared to this other guy on another website who is just as inexperienced as the OP.

 

The o.p. has started a post saying he is crying, that he is worthless, that he is a joke. I think that is very serious and should be taken as such. You don't have to be suicidal to need therapy.

 

I think that the OP needs a dating coach to work on his appearance, body langauge, and conversational skills. Treat the root cause. Working on negative beliefs is only treating the symptoms.

 

I would guess that any worthy therapist would tell you that the negative beliefs are the root cause, not the other way around. I'm sure that over time other rejections reinforced his beliefs, but it sounds like this may have started very early on for the o.p.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't think clinginess and neediness are an inevitable consequence of being alone, or even lonely.

 

I've gone through extensive periods of solitude in my life, and they only taught me how to be more resilient and self-sufficient in times of social drought. Mind you, I have a bit of a loner side, but I'm naturally a people person, too, and thrive on being around good company. So it's never been easy to be alone. But I feel it's been a huge "character-builder", and source of strength to know that I'm not going to wither away and become nobody just because I'm alone (or at times, lonely.)

 

Women look for men who have something more than just social attitude and style. They are also looking for a sense of self and inner strength, which goes a bit deeper. When I say "sense of self", what I mean is knowing you are viable and bringing something to the table even before a table appears. A sense of conviction that keeps you from falling into a pit of neediness and desperation. It relates to having something of your own, something that has nothing to do with her, something that keeps you going and fired up. I don't think you have anything like that in your life that goes beyond a surface involvement, so you're seeking things and presenting yourself at a surface level. Which will then drive you to need a lot of propping up externally. You are very focused on doing things as a means to an end, not doing things as an end in themselves, it seems. So that will lead you to always needing an outcome rather than enjoying something in life for what it is. That's a pretty rickety place to be. I can tell from your posts, your thread title here, and the things you report doing (which is you being wrapped around one girl's finger) that you radiate neediness. And that is supremely unattractive. No offense, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just giving you feedback that just reading your thread title, I feel a massive cringe factor. And that's got to be translating over into your real life.

 

It does sound impossible -- how will I know I'm of worth until someone affixes a value to me? This is a riddle every person has to solve in their own heads. It's a living hell to have your own personal NYSE in your head at all times. I've fought with this one a lot, but I can tell you, OP, that until you have a lightbulb moment (I mean, where the lightbulb goes on in your head), it's going to seem like an impossible idea. That lightbulb moment will be the leap that you need.

 

I can't tell you what it'll take to get to that place, unfortunately. It's too personal. So I don't know that my thoughts here are that much help. I can tell you that it's hard but important work not to absorb a victim mentality which regresses you back to a childlike state of helplessness.

 

I think you should ask yourself this:

 

What AM I bringing to the table? What are my assets? What is it that I have that women would benefit from having in their lives, as a partner?

 

If you can answer that, that'll go towards feeling your own self worth.

 

If you can't answer that, then that's huge. That means you've got your work cut out for you to develop yourself in ways that you ARE bringing something to the table in your own estimation.

 

And I second therapy. It's not a cure. It's just another tool for self-insight.

[galaxy71]

The o.p. has started a post saying he is crying, that he is worthless, that he is a joke. I think that is very serious and should be taken as such. You don't have to be suicidal to need therapy.

 

 

 

I would guess that any worthy therapist would tell you that the negative beliefs are the root cause, not the other way around. I'm sure that over time other rejections reinforced his beliefs, but it sounds like this may have started very early on for the o.p.

 

I think I should clarify that the OP does need professional help. I just think that the OP would be better off getting a life coach mentor him on how to deal with the opposite sex than having some therapist just go over his thoughts. I think that your definition of a 'worthy therapist' is a CBT therapist who believes that all problems are the result of harmful beliefs. I believe that a professional(dating coach, social worker, therapist, counselor) who could help the OP the most would help OP interact with the opposite sex, assist him with finding a more stable job, and deal with his harmful beliefs regardless of their theoretical background. By your last post Bulletproof, I think that you believe that CBT is the only valid therapy for anyone who has any type of pyschological problem.

[capuccino83]

I oppose the idea of therapy for Dougie. I think the constant rejection and lonliness is damaging his confidence, not the other way around. I don't think that his depression is severe compared to this other guy on another website who is just as inexperienced as the OP.

 

Rejection in all areas is a fact of life and handling rejection properly and learning to separate self-worth from rejection is an emotional skills that's so important. If you're not born with skill, which the Dougie seems not to be, I don't see any shame in using someone to help develop that skill. It's not different than someone seeing a tutor for a subject they don't understand or a personal trainer because they're not born with an athletic body. I also don't think you have to be severely depressed for to see a therapist. Therapy is useful whenever you realize that you are lacking some kind of emotional or coping skill that's making life not as great as it should be and are not sure how to develop it.

[capuccino83]

I think I should clarify that the OP does need professional help. I just think that the OP would be better off getting a life coach mentor him on how to deal with the opposite sex than having some therapist just go over his thoughts. I think that your definition of a 'worthy therapist' is a CBT therapist who believes that all problems are the result of harmful beliefs. I believe that a professional(dating coach, social worker, therapist, counselor) who could help the OP the most would help OP interact with the opposite sex, assist him with finding a more stable job, and deal with his harmful beliefs regardless of their theoretical background. By your last post Bulletproof, I think that you believe that CBT is the only valid therapy for anyone who has any type of pyschological problem.

 

I had a life coach for a few weeks. I found him useless because my issues in dating related back to my issues with my parents and it wasn't until I was able to separate those issues that I was able to find normal relationships. BTW, I'm a totally normal person not someone with major mental handicaps. A life coach is great, if you're not sure how to dress properly or whether to wait two days or three days to call a girl. A life coach is not going to help feelings of worthlessness or hanging out with someone you're interested in that has a FWB. Those, at least to me, are signs of deeper emotional issues.

[bulletproof]

I think I should clarify that the OP does need professional help. I just think that the OP would be better off getting a life coach mentor him on how to deal with the opposite sex than having some therapist just go over his thoughts. I think that your definition of a 'worthy therapist' is a CBT therapist who believes that all problems are the result of harmful beliefs. I believe that a professional(dating coach, social worker, therapist, counselor) who could help the OP the most would help OP interact with the opposite sex, assist him with finding a more stable job, and deal with his harmful beliefs regardless of their theoretical background. By your last post Bulletproof, I think that you believe that CBT is the only valid therapy for anyone who has any type of pyschological problem.

 

CBT is not the only type of therapy for eliminating hindering beliefs, nor did I even mention CBT. He might benefit from talk therapy just as much. By worthy therapist, I mean someone who realizes that these things can originate in childhood, as opposed to the idea that he was just fine until he started getting rejected by women (which seems highly unlikely). A life coach can help him with the practicalities, but if he still feels that he's worthless inside, it's possible that all the practicalities in the world won't change his relationship success. In other words, external change does not always mean internal change, especially for someone who's been thinking a certain way for such a long time.

[Batya33]

I had a life coach for a few weeks. I found him useless because my issues in dating related back to my issues with my parents and it wasn't until I was able to separate those issues that I was able to find normal relationships. BTW, I'm a totally normal person not someone with major mental handicaps. A life coach is great, if you're not sure how to dress properly or whether to wait two days or three days to call a girl. A life coach is not going to help feelings of worthlessness or hanging out with someone you're interested in that has a FWB. Those, at least to me, are signs of deeper emotional issues.

 

I never really knew that -I thought life coaches were mostly for career/job related issues. I'm sorry the coach didn't help you but good for you for trying it out!

[Dougie_D]

I think that the OP needs a dating coach to work on his appearance, body langauge, and conversational skills.

 

Exactly!!! There is a REASON why I have a lot of GUY friends that are successful with women. Some try to help me, but they do it THEIR way, which sometimes hurts the situation. Also, those 3 things are what I think is NOT letting me be in a relationship.

 

Finding a PROFESSIONAL that will make sure I benefit and will be more honest with me than my buddies, will be WAY better!

 

I can't learn anything unless I'm actually doing something. To me, therapy is just Talk, talk, talk, talk, etc... NOTHING is set in motion. I can't learn something unless I'm actually DOING it.

 

It's how I have always been TAUGHT in certain aspects of my life. When you learn to play a musical instrument, the instructor tells you how to place your fingers and how to use the instrument, BUT they are actually TAKING your body, hands, and showing you.

 

I'm not AWARE of what my body is doing all the time. I can tell a therapist what I think is happening, when actually, if HE SAW the situation, maybe they would tell me something different.

 

Therapy would feel like a LECTURE to me. My parents LECTURE to me all the time. I can't listen to that.

[stilllooking31]

Totally disagree. These may be the indirect things "keeping" you single, but the most likely causal factors of your conversational skills or body language, etc. are statements like the ones below...