Please! Why are girls so MEAN to me in REAL life and on HERE?!

[Generation]

I agree, you need a dating coach. Not a therapist.

 

By the way, did you take my advice in another thread to record yourself and watch the video to see how you act, behave and all that?

Hmm... actually it might have been someone else in another forum... ANYHOW here's something you should try...

 

Whip out your camcorder, set it up in your house, record yourself, and ignore the camera. Just walk around, have a conversation with yourself in the mirror, walk some more, pretend you're doing something, sit down, laugh, pretend you're approaching a woman. After you feel like you've done enough you can stop the recording, and watch it. Observe yourself. Take notice of how you move. Take notice of how people who you think are successful with women move, and how it's different to yourself.

Some things you may also notice about yourself is how others may perceive you from a different angle, like from behind, and from the side, angles at which you cannot see yourself in a mirror.

 

You'll probably also take more notice of what you're wearing, for example, I've done this myself when I was wearing a dress shirt. The one thing I noticed about my dress shirts when I tucked them in my pants were they bunched up around the back area like a muffin top, something I never noticed before until I saw it in video. It looked ugly and ever since, I've stopped wearing dress shirts too large for my size. I started wearing more fitted clothing, especially with dress shirts around the waist area. Also, thanks to watching myself and how I move and all that, I've been able to style the hair on the back of my head a lot better too.

[Dougie_D]

 

 

I don't have a camcorder but I do have a webcam. I guess I can place it somewhere that I have more room though...

 

Here is another link to a "short film" my buddy made. I'm in the beginning.

 

Also, I did this for a buddy.

I don't ACT this stupid in real life...but I guess you can see more of body movements. I've lost weight since the taping. Also, which kind of sucks, but whatever...is that if you go on his Youtube account, you'll see that this EPISODE will have him instead of me (what he originally wanted) Majority of his fans were girls and they were BLASTING him that I was the host. So, he decided to re-do the parts himself.

[Miss Firecracker]

You have a nice voice.

[greywolf]

I feel like I am worthy to girls! Especially when many woman have said "You would be a great boyfriend", "You know how to treat girls and give them what they want".

 

Are these girls lying to me??!!! That's how I feel! I feel like sometimes I have something that is WORTHY to them but they look for reasons not to be interested in me.

 

Ok..so you asked: What have you got to offer another person?

 

Well, what are they looking for? Attractive and fit? Sorry... Nice and polite? I'm on top of that!

 

Dougie, from your posts alone, so many things show through. You act like you're a victim. That's a really unattractive trait. Even if you did get a dating coach, and found a girl, it wouldn't last very long, because the same problems you're having right now would destroy the relationship.

 

I watched your video. You strike me as a guy that isn't sure of himself or who he is.

[stilllooking31]

I just checked out the threads you've started since you joined ( ).

 

They all have the same feel to them: low self-esteem, confidence, etc. It's like you're seeking other's approval of you before you have even approved of yourself. No one will want to be with you if you can't be with your self.

[greywolf]

Dougie, if you think that talking to a professional won't be helpful at all, then what do you find helpful about posting again and again on ENA. You are always welcome to post here, but you must get some sort of benefit about talking about your problems on here.

[capuccino83]

Therapy is not talk and a good therapist will give you homework or tools to use to improve your life. For example, if you are easily rejected, one way to overcome fear of rejection is after something that makes you feel rejected happens, you stop and list five different ways you can re-interpet that situation. Then you pick a different interpretation. Over time it'll become a habit, and when a girl says no to you, instead of immediately jumping to OMGOSH i'm so ugly you'll probably think.. hmm maybe she's already seeing someone or is not interested in dating or is just having a bad day.

 

I don't know what kind of work you expect. Dealing with you emotions is mental work but there is no physical component. I'd argue it's harder.

 

I totally disagree that a dating coach will help you. As others said, you tend to victimize yourself and have low self confidence. Even if you do get a dating coach and he tells you the right things to say - because it's not coming from within it won't be the real you. And if those things work and you meet a girl, how long are you going to rely on the dating coach?

 

I think dating coaches are great for some people. If you're a guy who's talked to a hundred girls and have no idea why they're rejecting you, a dating coach makes sense. For a guy who's every thread is about his feelings of insecurity.. a dating coach will not fix that.

[Slimpee]

 

I totally disagree that a dating coach will help you. As others said, you tend to victimize yourself and have low self confidence. Even if you do get a dating coach and he tells you the right things to say - because it's not coming from within it won't be the real you. And if those things work and you meet a girl, how long are you going to rely on the dating coach?

 

I think dating coaches are great for some people. If you're a guy who's talked to a hundred girls and have no idea why they're rejecting you, a dating coach makes sense. For a guy who's every thread is about his feelings of insecurity.. a dating coach will not fix that.

 

I agree. I think a dating coach could help once you learn how to feel good about yourself w/out having to have those feelings of worth validated by others. My guess is, however, that if you really feel good about yourself and where you're headed in life you won't need a dating coach because women are drawn to guys who are truly comfortable in their own skin. It's not something that can be "taught" but rather that feeling is just something that just...happens. But you have to work at it.

 

A college buddy i roomed w/ until we were 26 recently got married to a great woman: smart, funny, attractive, etc. He isn't the best-looking dude. In fact, he's pretty goofy. He is awkward in social situations, unathletic, super scrawny (although he's 6'4"), and has hobbies that some women would find odd. But he got the girl because he became comfortable w/ who he is and where he's headed in life. She saw a guy who is mature, even-headed, nice, etc...a great man and a great husband.

 

In college, however, he was a huge goofball. We poked fun of him alot (not in a super mean way but the way college dudes do) because he was always trying to be like everyone else, saying the same jokes, acting the same way, etc. But it wasn't genuine...it wasn't him. Gradually, he stopped caring what other people thought, stopped caring about whether he was doing the right or wrong things w/ women and was simply himself, a guy he liked. And that's when he met his awesome wife. The point is, it will be difficult, if not IMPOSSIBLE for you to have success with women until you can go through life liking and being comfortable with the person you are.

 

A dating coach won't do that...it'll be like slapping a coat of paint onto a house that is falling apart. Yes, it may look a little better on the outside but it's still a wreck on the inside. A therapist, however, give you suggestions on how to change the thinking you have about yourself to get you to a better place. Yes, it involves talking, but this talking comes with strategies to help you. You HAVE to actually do the work, though. It will work, though. It did for me.

[Dougie_D]

Dougie, if you think that talking to a professional won't be helpful at all, then what do you find helpful about posting again and again on ENA. You are always welcome to post here, but you must get some sort of benefit about talking about your problems on here.

 

ENA is VERY helpful. It's IMMEDIATE. Whatever my situation at the TIME, I can post something about it.

 

I don't think I can see, call, talk to a therapist 24/7. I may have constant negative thoughts but they somehow spring because of some situation is that occurs at that time.

 

Plus, with ENA, I can go back and read what people have posted to me. Also, I have a hard time taking advice of just ONE opinion. The more opinions, the more OPTIONS. When the majority of people said to stop talking to this girl, buying her stuff, etc...I now, have done those things.

 

I have to have IMMEDIATE results or I'll start to lose interest and believe that it's not going to work. So "building blocks" will waste my time.

 

A dating coach will go to the bar with me. Probably find a girl and let me talk. He'll observe and tell me what I do wrong. Then, the NEXT girl, I'll try it out and BOOM! I get results. It may not be as smooth, but to me...it's a faster progression.

 

I enjoy quick fixes.

 

A college buddy i roomed w/ until we were 26 recently got married to a great woman: smart, funny, attractive, etc. He isn't the best-looking dude. In fact, he's pretty goofy. He is awkward in social situations, unathletic, super scrawny (although he's 6'4"), and has hobbies that some women would find odd. But he got the girl because he became comfortable w/ who he is and where he's headed in life. She saw a guy who is mature, even-headed, nice, etc...a great man and a great husband.

 

Just wondering...did his personality change? Once he met this girl? How much confidence did you see him gain once he met this girl?

[Slimpee]

 

I have to have IMMEDIATE results or I'll start to lose interest and believe that it's not going to work. So "building blocks" will waste my time...

 

 

I enjoy quick fixes.

 

 

 

 

Wow! This is one of the biggest read flags i've seen you write in one of your posts. Dude, there IS NO easy fix for this. You have to understand that the reason you're feeling so much negativity and the reason that you feel bad about yourself and the reason that you don't get girls is because you want everything to be easy. Well, cowboy, that's just not the way it works. Your confidence and self-image issues will take time and effort on your part. It won't be quick but it will work and you will feel better. But you have to be in the right frame of mind in order to truly make the necessary changes. You're clearly not there yet. Maybe you have to hit rock-bottom first or something, i dunno.

 

The most satisfying feeling is working hard at something and succeeding. Taking the half-a$$ way will not help you.

[Slimpee]

 

 

Just wondering...did his personality change? Once he met this girl? How much confidence did you see him gain once he met this girl?

 

His personality did not change at all. Nor was he more confident. Why didn't these things change? Because he was happy with himself to begin with.

 

A woman can't, and shouldn't, change who you are. A woman can't solve any problems (but she can cause a helluva lot more). Successful marriages work because each partner is in the right place in their lives, are comfortable enough with themselves, and know themselves well enough to know what they want/need out of spouse.

 

The way you're looking at it is a bit like...swiss cheese...where the guy has a bunch of holes in himself that he wants to fill. There isn't another slice of cheese that can fit those holes. If people are more like...puzzle pieces...there aren't any holes in the piece so it's just a matter of finding the piece that fits perfectly.

[galaxy71]

There is this perception that a dating coach will give his client pick-up lines and tell him to approach every woman in a bar. A dating coach is much more than that. I remember the TV show Made when this dating coach worked on this overweight kid who was terrible with women. He told the overweight guy to get contacts. He got a new hairstyle and started working out. This might seem superficial to some here. But I don't think it's superficial to care about the way others perceive you. If a girl spends a lot of money and time taking care of appearance, it should be reasonable of her to expect the guy to at least take of his appearance. The reason why style is important is that it is a way of expressing yourself. If you don't care about something as simple as your appearance, that says something negative about you. On the other hand, the reason why stylish people are valued is that they are willing to use their appearance to express themselves.

 

Another thing the guy did was do some weightlifting. Weightlifting does help build muscle, but more importantly I think that weighlifting builds character because it teaches you to be displined and how to cope to pain. In another part of the show, the dating coach referred his client to a speech therapist. The speech therapist told the guy that he needed to talk more. This was more than conversational tips. It was about teaching basic social skills. A good dating coach worth his salt would know that coaching involves more than just regurgitating a bunch of cunning pick-up lines to a client. Each of these improvements by themselves might not be much. But all these changes combined together can produce big changes.

 

Why do you want to refer the OP to a therapist when therapist are not trained to deal with guys who have problems attracting women? Therapists deal with deperssion, anxiety, and self-esteem issues. There are a couple of guys on the Internet who talk about seeing a therapist regularly, but they hardly ever flirt with women outside of the web, because their therapists would rather focus on some other issues. I still remember a few posts where a guy complained about how his therapist did not give dating advice because his therapist got into relationships through luck. The guy is still too shy to approach women. There is also another guy on another website who done plenty of therapy. He has taken medication and gotten counseling, but he has zero social life outside of the web. That guy is looking for more therapy while he is still unemployed and living with his mother.

 

I know that the OP does seem desperate and needy. It's just that it is pretty reasonable to expect that you will get messed up if you are deprived of sex and intimacy against your own will. I salute you if you can reframe celibacy as an opportunity to shape your character.

[Dougie_D]

Why do you want to refer the OP to a therapist when therapist are not trained to deal with guys who have problems attracting women? Therapists deal with deperssion, anxiety, and self-esteem issues

 

Thank you! I'm trying to pick up women and possible relationship.

 

There are probably millions of men in relationships that have low self esteem, depression, anxiety , etc...

 

Honestly? If you saw 3 males at a bar and you only saw one person dancing by himself and NOT caring and just being funny, and the other two were talking among themselves...who do you think has more anxiety problems?

 

Basically what I'm saying is... I am more talkative. I am more out-going. I am spontaneous. I am more likely to act like a fool and do something that others do not. I am a goof. I am silly. I am eccentric. I am a great person to be around. I have friends that will NEVER go out to eat or party alone! Sorry, but to me that's a little strange and someone who is NOT CONFIDENT in themselves.

 

Yes, at these moments I feel great and don't care...but what affects me, is when people start to say "DON'T do THAT"..,etc. That part really hurts me and I'm constantly battling on trying "NOT to DO" those things sometimes.

 

For some reason, I'm not ATTRACTING girls! It could be a style thing and more likely a LOOK thing. Maybe I come off too strong in my conversations? Maybe, I don't know how to react to the things she is saying to me. Maybe, I'm giving her a negative vibe that to me, is honesty. Maybe I give off an uncertainty about a subject. Maybe the girl thinks I'm lying about something because I don't give her details?

 

I don't know...but something that I do is not working for me. Maybe I ask TOO many questions? Maybe not ENOUGH?

 

I'm concerned about getting a date right now. I'm not looking to date myself!

[timlondon]

I have to have IMMEDIATE results or I'll start to lose interest and believe that it's not going to work. So "building blocks" will waste my time.

 

A dating coach will go to the bar with me. Probably find a girl and let me talk. He'll observe and tell me what I do wrong. Then, the NEXT girl, I'll try it out and BOOM! I get results. It may not be as smooth, but to me...it's a faster progression.

 

I enjoy quick fixes.

 

There are no quick fixes. Not for this and, sorry, not for you.

 

Needing someone to find a suitable woman for you is a bit odd anyway, but even if he does that, then he tells you what to do, what to say, where does that get you? Firstly it won't work, people will be able to tell you're not genuine and doing something you've rehearsed (and people hate that more than anything) and even if it did work they would be choosing HIM not YOU.

 

Your post reveals a couple of things - not only are you insecure but you don't have a very good view of women. You are looking at them as objects, and when you do the right sequence of actions (like a video game) suddenly they're unlocked and sex happens. You're not looking for a girlfriend, you just want to be one of those guys who can pick women up in a bar and take them home. I think that until you change your attitude things aren't going to change.

 

I've been away from this site for a while, a couple of months away and when I come back you're still posting the exact same stuff. I'm from the UK where therapy isn't so popular as the US, but seriously - go and talk to someone, get your brain straightened out, start making changes.

[Dougie_D]

I'm telling everyone here the same things I would tell a therapist. What makes a therapist so great? I already took some test to determine my "personality"...but still, I don't think it's 100% accurate.

 

Apparently I am an INTP. Look it up..it's a pretty rare personality.

[timlondon]

Because a therapist (or better psychologist) is a trained professional who will assess your problems and determine a course of action or treatment that will help you. This is just a bunch of internet, though it is internet telling you to, inter alia, see a therapist.

[Dougie_D]

I think I lack from a lot of MOTIVATION. I don't have it. I don't have the drive that others do.

 

I am working on losing weight but I don't go to the gym everyday. I go whenever I want to. Sometimes I'll go everyday for 2 weeks in a row and then all of a sudden I wake up and weight myself and nothing happens. I get very bummed and I just stop.

 

I feel like if I had someone to drag me out of my bed and force me to do something it will HELP!

 

I see myself not even paying attention to some person yapping on what I need to do. Come on! Don't TELL me?! SHOW ME?! I am a VISUAL learner.

[timlondon]

Lots of words including:

 

...Therapists deal with deperssion, anxiety, and self-esteem issues. There are a couple of guys on the Internet who talk about seeing a therapist regularly, but they hardly ever flirt with women outside of the web, because their therapists...

 

...I salute you if you can reframe celibacy as an opportunity to shape your character.

 

That's because this guy's problems aren't solely that he can't talk to women. Posting on a relationships forum for 6 months straight with threads titles "Please! Why are girls so MEAN to me in REAL life and on HERE?!" show that he has no self-esteem, is anxious and depressed. I would bet money that this is why women don't find him attractive, not all the exterior things.

 

Dating coach or whatever can come after fixing that stuff.

 

 

I think I lack from a lot of MOTIVATION. I don't have it. I don't have the drive that others do.

 

I am working on losing weight but I don't go to the gym everyday. I go whenever I want to. Sometimes I'll go everyday for 2 weeks in a row and then all of a sudden I wake up and weight myself and nothing happens. I get very bummed and I just stop.

 

I feel like if I had someone to drag me out of my bed and force me to do something it will HELP!

 

I see myself not even paying attention to some person yapping on what I need to do. Come on! Don't TELL me?! SHOW ME?! I am a VISUAL learner.

 

Man I'm having a hard time repeating myself. You're making excuses. Stop it and take the advice.

 

1. Not having the drive to change yourself is a mental problem. You're depressed. Psychologist.
   
2. If you're not taking exercise seriously, you're not really working on it. "Losing weight is a math problem" as I've read elsewhere. Eat better and fewer calories, go running, lift weights according to a programme. This will help you.
   
3. Demanding that someone takes responsibility for changing you is childish. You're 31, at some point you need to grow up and take responsibility.
   

[Dougie_D]

Wouldn't it be POINTLESS for me to go to a therapist if all the guy does is give me a pill or something? That's telling me "Yo dude..I can't fix your problem...so I'm hoping this pill can"

 

I don't have CONSTANT depression, anxiety, etc... It comes and go. Am I depressed when I'm watching my favorite band? No! Am I depressed because I'm not going home to have hot sex with a girl? Yes!

 

The therapist will ask me why I'm there: I'll say "Well, I'm a 31 year old virgin with no real life experiences"

 

Then he will ask "Why?" and then I tell him "That's why I'm here! I'm looking for those answers!!?"

[timlondon]

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

 

And with that I'm done. Off now for a run, go to the gym and then see a girl I met the other day. This stuff isn't hard, if only you'd take some advice on board.

[agent1607307371]

Therapy isn't about pills. It's about finding out why you do things. If you keep falling down the same hole, but refuse to change the path you're taking you need to figure out why. You can't do the same thing and get a different outcome.

 

If all you want is to take a girl home, why didn't you make a move on the girl you liked? Why spend so much money on her? Why get upset that she wasn't excited about your birthday? She showed you the absolute minimum interest, and how many threads did you make on her about her?

 

You need to start putting things into perspective.

[orchidrose]

There are probably millions of men in relationships that have low self esteem, depression, anxiety , etc...

 

Not good relationships.

 

Dougie, I've been on ENA for a long time but this is one of the first times I've read your threads. I really want to try to help you - you seem like a really nice guy who's fallen down a rabbit hole and can't seem to get out.

 

I actually have two perspectives on your issue: I dated a very insecure and anxious guy, and I myself have had problems with depression and anxiety. On the first count, the guy I dated sounded a lot like the guy you want to be: he was outgoing, he graduated from an Ivy League school, he was very athletic, and had a great career. On paper, he was amazing. But on our second or third date, it became very clear that he was suffering from massive issues with self-esteem and confidence. He whined a lot. He worried out loud that I didn't like him, even though we were sitting accross from each other at a bar on a third date. The longer we dated, the worse it got: he was worried about his looks, about the fact that he didn't build muscle mass, about his future. I can tell you that as his partner it got exhausting. Constantly having to reassure someone that they are worthy of you completely destroys any semblance of a healthy relationship. To apply this to your situation, this guy had a dating coach but not a therapist. He managed to get the girl (me!), but he couldn't keep her because of his bigger picture issues. Getting a dating coach in your situation would be like applying a band-aid to a health problem that requires surgery. It's one very small piece of a much larger problem.

 

On the other side, I have struggled with depression and anxiety. Part of the reason that I dated the guy above and, prior to that, entered an emotionally abusive relationship is because I had so little self-worth that I was willing to take crumbs. I know it's not as extreme as you, but I was a virgin until I was 20. I didn't kiss a guy until college and even then struggled to find a relationship. It was all I thought about and was the driving factor in everything I did in my life. Even when I did find a boyfriend, I picked the wrong one and had to fight tooth and nail to try to make it work.

 

When I broke up with my emotionally abusive boyfriend, I went into therapy. I've been in therapy now for almost four years. I had tried it as a child, as well, but somehow this time I was ready to do some serious work on myself. At first I was combative with my therapist - I didn't trust her suggestions and her instincts, and did what I wanted to do even though it hadn't been working before. But a year or so in I really started listening to what she had to say and it was astonishing. She now knows me so well that she can pretty much articulate what I'm feeling even if I can't. She has great, concrete suggestions and "homework" on how to improve my day-to-day life and my longer-term issues. Just six months ago, she finally did recommend medication, which has been a huge positive for me. I realize now how overwhelming my anxiety and depression were, even though I used to think that I was like you - my depression went in and out, I had good reasons for it, etc.

 

It took my almost four years (!) but I can safely say that the work that I did and time that I invested in myself has made me truly ready for a strong, healthy relationship. I'm seeing a guy now who is amazing - and, like me, he's strong, self-confident, motivated, etc. - and I can say that I would never have met him or especially been able to be in a relationship with him if I hadn't have done all the legwork I did to get here.

 

I hope this helps you understand the importance of therapy, Dougie. Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

[FathomFear]

For some reason, I'm not ATTRACTING girls! It could be a style thing and more likely a LOOK thing. Maybe I come off too strong in my conversations? Maybe, I don't know how to react to the things she is saying to me. Maybe, I'm giving her a negative vibe that to me, is honesty. Maybe I give off an uncertainty about a subject. Maybe the girl thinks I'm lying about something because I don't give her details?

 

Dougie, you've also said though that you have no job and are supported by your parents. Do you also live with them? These factors could also impede you as well. Assuming you're dating in your age range, most women will be looking for someone who is independent. If you met someone tomorrow, for example, and really hit it off and wanted to move into an apartment with her six months later, how would you do that without finances? I'm not saying you shouldn't not try to date, but you'd probably be well served to focus on developing yourself and your independence as well.

[bulletproof]

 

There are probably millions of men in relationships that have low self esteem, depression, anxiety , etc...

 

Doesn't mean they are in good relationships. They could be in relationships with women who are just like themselves, which makes for a really unhealthy situation.

 

 

For some reason, I'm not ATTRACTING girls! It could be a style thing and more likely a LOOK thing.

 

Aren't there probably millions of men in relationships who aren't necessarily good-looking? That's your own logic from above... so how could it be that looks matter only in your case?

 

Dougie, the bottom line here is that you could probably really benefit from a therapist. Why are you so resistant to even trying it? What would that hurt? If someone told you that a year in therapy could improve your dating chances, would you say yes?

[Slimpee]

Dougie, I, like many other people here have read your myriad threads that basically say the same thing: you want us to tell you how to get what you want RIGHT NOW with out any work.

 

You have said yourself that you want quick fixes and you get bored w/out instant gratification. No matter what you see on The Pick-Up Artist or read on the internet, there is no magic formula with women. There aren't any lines that will drop her pants immediately. There is nothing you can do to change your fortunes with women quickly. The reason you don't "get" women is because you're emotionally unstable (you come off the way over the internet, anyway) and you're looking for women to patch up your self-esteem and self-worth. That is why you don't get women, i promise.

 

So you come to ENA and ask the same things over and over and over and get basically the same answer over and over and over. Do you listen? No. You don't want help, you want someone to hold your hand and tell you what to do. I mean, i'm not trying to be mean, but you really need to grow up.