Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[koline]

Hi Foz,

 

I am so sorry to hear this, I know how hard it is to go through this.

As you know I did the same thing: I agreed to meet my ex last november and it was a huge mistake because he told me he had a new girlfriend, and I felt even more desesperate than I felt when he broke up with me five months ago. But I also can tell you that I feel much better now!

 

When I went to this meeting I was not even sure I wanted him back anymore, and when I saw him I startedall my old feelings came back, and I ended up crying and telling him I was hoping he had change his mind about the breakup thing.

 

That teached me a lesson: I know I do not want to see him, or even talk to him again. I am quite close to his mother but I never ask her about him, I just do not want to know about his life. It is the way to follow I think. So if your ex call you, do not answer the phone, and if he send you emails delete them..

 

As other people already said you need to be angry: keep in mind that this guy is the one who moved out 4 months ago while you were in a business trip.. It is certainly not forgivable. I also think the painting story is not really nice to you either..

 

You will certainly feel angry at him after being sad, it is a normal stage. I did: I was desesperate during two weeks, wanting him back, and then I realized that he was a jerk to me, as he insisted to meet me just to tell me he was with somebody else. At that time, I had lost 15 pounds since the breakup (as i did not eat anything), and he did not even notice it!

 

Well I just hope these few things can help you to feel better soon, I am sure you will make it. Keep posting, we are here for you.

[sdw]

Hi Foz,

 

I know how hard it is when they are nice to you as well. During this time when our self esteem is at its lowest, it can be hard to believe in yourself. I know this is my problem, because I found it hard to get angry because of it. Eventually the anger did come though and I thought "if she thinks she will be happier with someone else than me and thinks he will make her feel all the things I once did, then fine". Also, despite people trying to sugar coat their reasons for breaking up with you, this is what i boils down too, my ex even said to me "i don't know if i'll ever find anyone to love me as much as you, but it's no reason to stay in a relationship that's not working". I thought about this and thought she obviously believes she will and maybe already has (well she has a new man) so sod her one can only hope that one day both yours and my ex realise that the grass is not greener, but by then through NC and the detachment it brings, we will have moved on too. I wish you all the best.

 

Steve.

[happythoughts]

Hi everyone,

 

Foz, you and I have been emailing on this so you know what I think, but I just want to mention on here that not everyone feels the anger stage.

 

I would feel anger for a few hours at a time and then go back to just feeling sad and crying!

 

I've come on so far - mainly because I had to (ex is now with his previous ex), but also because I tried to look at the relationship more objectively and see the things that weren't so good.

 

But I think the killer thing to remind yourself is that you don't want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you. We are all wonderful people with so much to give and so much love, and we should be with people who deserve us.

 

The problem is that for months after a break-up, that need for self-belief is masked by our desperate feelings. We all have the panicky feelings for weeks or months - the desire for our former life, the love for them, the huge want not to be alone, to be in their arms etc etc.

 

It takes a long time to get over that desire to go back.

 

But the fact is you cannot go back because they don't want to. You have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forwards. You don't want them if they don't want you. And if they did want you they would be banging down your door.

 

My advice is to do NC - I put myself through agony by keeping in touch. It prolonged the pain but I was sure being friends/being supportive/having a laugh would bring him back. It didn't - it just made it worse for me and better for him as he felt no guilt and got to have fantastic me in his life. I think in this situation it's the LOSS of you that would bring them back, not your presense. I did it wrong.

 

For me it's been 9.5 months so I'm further on. But I'm ready to start seeing someone else and I never thought I'd say that!

 

Foz, right up to 7.5 months I was in a state. Give yourself time, it does take time x

[Foz]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for all the replies!

 

I guess the thing is, like Happy Thoughts, my anger only ever lasted a few hours but i did focus on all that was wrong in the relationship and how i was quite clearly taken for granted. And that helped me heal quite a bit.

 

but i forgot all that when i met him..

 

I know he doesn't want to be with me, he hasn't beaten down the door or pestered me with calls which speaks volumes. it's Just when i met him he seemed so nice and caring that all i could think of was the good times and how i wanted that back again. To be honest i dont know if he would have contacted me had i not done the "drunk and dial" thing. he said himself when i didnt respond to his voice message he thought it would be intrusive to call after that, again on reflection a huge sign that he is in no way interested in getting back with me, he just wants a friendship type thing that makes him feel less guilty.

 

But from Happythoughts advice, i believe that frienship with the ex will probably not lead anywhere and will only make me relapse like i did for 24 hours after meeting him. But i dont know how strong i am to resist meeting him if he asks me to. i am strong enough not to contact him again but if he contacts me that is a different story..

 

On a positive note, I feel a bit better now so obviously the relapse periods are getting shorter and the feeling ok periods are getting longer.

[Foz]

The oddest thing has just happened, the ex hand delivered a bunch of flowers and a card to my place of work. I didnt see him but he left them in reception for me.

 

Card reads "Im glad we met the other day, it was good to see you. I hope you have a great 30th and a great 2005. lots of love, j"

 

In all the years i went out with him i got 3 bunches of flowers and they were never sent to my place of work!!

 

Dont know what to make of this!!

[miss_dyme]

For starters ..HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

Hiya foz ,ive been following your thread since it began and u have been through..ALOT..U have come so far.

 

I can imagine u are feelin extremely confused right now so much to the point where maybe that little flutter of hope has been reignited.

 

I dont mean to raise your hopes but i just have to say i think this could be quite positive.

Maybe you guys meeting that time has kinda made him realise how much he really has missed you ,maybe this gesture is testing the waters for a reconciliation.

 

If this the case ,id still play it as u have been ...if he wants you back...let him work damned hard 4 u!

U deserve it!

 

Goodluck and have a great birthday

[Abacab]

I would definitely second that opinion!

[trishcollins]

Wow! What a mixed message. I don't know what to say. I kind of had the same experience when I got the letter from my "ex", saying he would always love me and think about me, but told me that I should move on because I had so much to give (apparently not to him though). Anyway, I remember at first thinking how wonderful it was, the letter part, then I just go angry that he once again told me he loved me, but wasn't going to follow through and do anything about it.

 

Anyway, the gesture would confuse me too, as his words seem to be saying to opposite. I am not sure what to tell you. In my case, I needed to know one way or another, so I basically gave him an ultimatum. I was tired of not knowing what the future held, and tired of his vague comments mixed with his statements about always loving me, and his over-the-top guestures, like naming his company after the village I live in.

 

Anyway, I got my answer when I heard nothing back. As I said before, I didn't attack him, I attacked his behaviour. I said all the things I had hoped he would eventually see himself, and I told him if he felt anything other than guilt when reading the email, he should be at the airport when I got back. Otherwise, I did not want to hear from him again, nor would he hear from me again.

 

In my heart, I knew he would not be at the airport, but I also knew that it would give me closure. I needed that desparately and I got it. After everything that happened, if he could not see things the way I did, then we had no future together. I am afraid if he came back in the future, I would have to turn him away, unless he could prove he really did do something to turn things around and not just ignore all the issues.

 

Anyway, not sure I have helped you. Sometimes we don't want to ask the question for fear of the answer, but you might want to just email him and ask him outright what his intentions were.

[Mun]

Wow this story reads like a Novel...and not the cheap kind either .

 

I think you should thank him for the gesture but keep it brief and polite.

 

If you must ask what he wants then I think you can bring it up but instead of asking him what his intentions are you should let him know What you are looking for and what you want. Don't offer ultimatums or anything like that, instead be a little open to him and just be honest about what you are looking for. He will know that if he can't give you that he should leave you alone...

 

but if I was you I wouldn't ask....I would just let time take its course and see what happens next. In any case keep moving on with your life.

 

Much love

[Foz]

thanks for your replies guys!

 

I am not going to get my hopes or anything like it, it is a strange twist of events but it could be just him trying to redeem himself in my eyes.

 

He knows how i feel about him so there is no need for me to say it again, there will be no ultimatums either, i will just keep going as i have been going and will respond to him if he contacts me.

If he is testing the waters to see if there is a chance of reconcilliation, it will take a little bit more than a bunch of flowers and a card.

If he isnt testing the waters, he is obviously feeling bad about everything that happened and is trying to redeem himself or take some of the bitterness away.

 

Another strange twist is that his Mum was in my Mum's home town ( they live 500 miles apart) on Tuesday night and she spotted my mum (they have met before), anyway she went looking for my mum but my mum had already left the hotel. Instead she found a friend of my mum's and proceeded to tell her that i had gone out with her son and it was all off and she was very upset and disappointed about it??

 

Anyway i sent him a text saying, "thanks a million for the flowers, they were beautiful. And thanks for remembering me today! Prefer people to think im 27 now, 30 sounds a bit too old".

Got a reply saying "Glad you like them. I tcould be worse you could be 31. Hope you have a good day".

 

And i am going to leave it at that!

[princess_fiona]

wow.... Foz... just been reading your story... and all i can say is that u r so brave and a very loving person...

no words can express exactly how we feel when our other halves just walk away from the path they built with you over many precious days and years... after promising they'll always be by ur side.

i guess only time can tell what happens next..

but we just have to stay strong.. so that if our ex's do find their feet back on the path we are walking on then we can walk with them with more confidence and strength that we're both better people now...

and if they don't find us again... then someone who truly deserves u will find us... and seeing how much we achieved by staying strong, they'll appreciate that what they have is something too special to lose and they'll do whatever it takes to keep you...

anyway, i went through a roller-coaster ride... one i don't want to go through ever again...

bf freaked out on his own thoughts about our relationship and the 'M' word, etc... and initiated a break... then after a 1.5 months break, my bf came back to me saying he was sorry and that he realises he just wants me... but then months later, he walked away from our relationship... without a word... without a goodbye...

but i just had to let him free... and grant him his freedom.

it's hard to just let go of something you love...

[Wimpy]

Foz - you ought to think of turning this all into a book!!!! For what it's worth I think you did exactly the right thing with the text message. He knows where you are and he knows you appreciated the flowers - the rest is really up to him. Asking him "what are your intentions" etc would probably be counter-productive. My experience of men is that sometimes they do things without the same "motives"/"hidden agendas"/"hints" what-have-you as women but we react by assuming an action has the same signficance to them as it would to us (if that makes sense?).

 

Anyway keep posting - it's nice to know how you are.

[happythoughts]

Fozzy, happy b-day!

 

I agree with everyone on here - that was a lovely gesture from a man, who up until now, has behaved like a complete idiot (I would swear but alas it's all censored).

 

The text you sent back was perfect, his reply was sweet - and now you must....leave it alone!

 

Let him come to you if that's what he's going to do. He knows where you are, how you feel and that you would get back together. Even if you haven't explicitly asked him what the chances are, he knows all that.

 

Don't do what i did and run away with his gesture and start overdoing it! I don't think you will because you're not as daftly impulsive. He knows where you are.

 

In the meantime, keep moving on, go out, eye up other men. This is the most important thing - behave as if you are single, not as if you're somebody hoping to get back together with him.

 

All I'm saying is don't adopt a state of limbo, keep going forwards.

 

There's a huge leap between such a romantic gesture and being back together, with all the commitment and trust he would have to rebuild. He has to be the one to prove those things and the relationship are what he wants.

 

If he does, great. If he doesn't, you are still going forwards on your own path xxxxxxxxxx

[Foz]

Well Guys,

 

This is just getting bizarre. He rang again on Saturday night to tell me he had got a new job and was very excited about it. He also wanted to tell me he was going to New Zealand the next day for 3 weeks to do some triathlon thing with a blind friend of his and was very nervous about it because his blind friend would be relying on him being his guide and if he failed, then he would fail his friend. 10 minute conversation, I said congrats on the job and good luck with the triathlon.

 

My question is, is this him crawling back or testing the waters to see would i take him back or is it just being friendly??

 

He didnt have to ring me to tell me about his new job or the New Zealand thing but he did so what does that mean??

 

My head keeps telling me remember how he left, it was very final but my heart says remember he said "if i feel i made a mistake i wont be too proud to crawl back".

 

Im not the one making contact he is, he didnt have to send me flowers on my birthday or ring before he left for New Zealand but he did so does that mean something??

[princess_fiona]

my bf's tried to contact me a few times recently too!!! after a month of NC... he's doing this... and i'm confused like you!

i haven't responded at all though... but i don't know how i should...

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Foz,

 

I have just finished reading your thread, and I can't believe how similar our situations are. My guy also just told me one day that he was moving out because he did not see a future for us, and while he did not mind spending some more time with me, he did not want to marry me or have a family with me, so he would leave in order not to waste my time. Sound familiar?

 

My breakup happened 4 months ago, so I am one month behind you. Have not seen my guy in nearly 3 months and it has been nearly 2 months since we last spoke on the phone.

 

2 weeks ago he started sending me emails and since then I am hopelessly confused to what his intentions are.

 

I would have loved to check his emails in the last few months, but unfortunately I dont have his password. I think it would have destroyed me if I had read that he slept with someone else or is pining for some french girl. I admire your strength.

 

I was thinking about whether I should ask him to meet and be a little more active in contacting him (I never initiate, only reply), but after reading your thread I dont think I should. Who knows what he has been up to in the last 4 months. He knows where I am and if he wants me, then he has to say so.

 

Have you checked his emails again? Do you know if he is seeing anyone? I think his sending you flowers definitely shows that he cares about you. Question is as what.

 

I remember that you were upset when you met him the first time and were all nice and friendly. You regretted seeming like everything is okay with you and that you did not mind the way he treated you anymore. Kinda as if you absolved him from his sins, if you know what I mean. Do you still feel this way?

 

I hope everything works out great for you, I will surely be watching your thread.

 

All the best,

Danielle

[Foz]

hi tryingtobestrong!

 

Yes what your guy said to you is pretty similar to my situation! maybe it is some kind of crisis guys go through!!

 

No i never checked the emails again because i was so distraught by what i had found out when i did check them. It really hurt to know he had had a one night stand with some french girl within 4 weeks of breaking up with me. At the time he was having his one night stand, i was on sleeping tablets, crying all the time and could not eat and me reading that in his emails nearly sent me over the edge. It really seemed like i meant nothing to him. In the space of 4 short weeks he had wiped me from his memory. he told me the last time we met that he wasnt seeing anyone and i left it at that as i didnt really want to know anymore.

 

i do feel that me being friendly does help him feel not so guilty about what he did but unfortunately i just dont have it in me when i meet him to rant and rave and be angry. I am just my usual friendly self for a while and then i break down and cry in front of him. Im sure that makes him feel slightly guilty as i did get an apology from him last time we met.

 

So why the sudden contact with me now after all these months?? Maybe because i was friendly he feels absolved and thinks that we can be friends?

Or maybe he is beginnning to regret his decision??

Obviously i prefer to go with the latter because in my logic he could have just left things after our last meeting but instead, 5 days later he sends me flowers and then a week later phones me to tell me about his new job and the fact that he is going to be out of the country for 3 weeks. Really there was no need to keep up the contact after our last meeting. So what does it mean??

 

maybe i am fooling myself here because it is what i want to believe, all i do know is, it is confusing and has me thinking about him/us all over again. To be honest i am afraid to say anything to him as i am afraid he will say "no we are just friends, i thought you understood that" or something to that effect and i really dont want to hear that. In a way if that is all he wanted i wish he had not contacted me again!

 

I really dont know what to do know!

[Mun]

To be honest i am afraid to say anything to him as i am afraid he will say "no we are just friends, i thought you understood that" or something to that effect and i really dont want to hear that.

 

You are right Foz. Don't ask what his intentions are or anything of the sort. Just go with your feelings and if he is trying to make things up with you or being friendly ( and you are ok with that ) then be friendly. You have to take care of yourself first.. and always protect yourself. You should be cautious and keep your eyes open here--don't push him away when he is being "friendly"...but don't engage him when he isn't.

 

Something similar happened to a friend of mine and after being broken up for a year her guy came back and proposed. This was such an interesting story when she told me that I asked her "what did you do in that year?" she said " I was very strong, even though it was killing me inside, but I wasn't going to show him how much it was hurting me. I went out and went on with my life and I pretended I didn't care about him anymore."

 

Now, I'm not telling you this to get your hopes up, but just as a reminder that people do change their minds...and strange things happen ( and all those cliches).

 

You have to be strong. Whatever his motives are now...trust YOUR feelings and your gut instinct. Look out for yourself...and let him keep doing nice things for you

[happythoughts]

Hi Foz,

 

God it's so hard to know what's going on and I'm not sure how to advise you for the best. I think, if you can, you should carry on doing what you're doing - ie NOTHING and see what happens next.

 

The only problem with this is that this will get your hopes up and there will come a point where you want to say to him 'hey, what's going on?'

 

If he keeps up friendly contact for a few months, then you ask him and he says he just wants to be friends, then you are going to feel shattered and broken up with all over again.

 

If you can't stand for that to happen then you should ask him sooner. It's not so much about what his intentions are - it's about what YOU can put up with and whether you can stand the process of not knowing for an indefinite period of time.

 

I waited nine months before having the talk and of course, you know by then it was too late. The sweetest text I ever got from my ex was a few weeks before the talk. By then he was pretty much in another relationship - his text to me was pure nostalgia.

 

I'm not saying that is the case here, I'm just saying be careful of your heart. I think the best course of action is to keep hoping but do not run away with it in your head. Try not to build it up - so that if it collapses you will not be in agony. This is so, so hard to do but I can't see at the moment what other choice you have!

 

Perosnally, I think the flowers were a huge, lovely gesture and I pin a lot of hope on that. But try and protect your heart because you don't want to be still writing on this forum this time next year (I mean that in the nicest possible way!). But if there's a wedding at the end of this, I want an invite!

 

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[kipster]

To be honest i am afraid to say anything to him as i am afraid he will say "no we are just friends, i thought you understood that" or something to that effect and i really dont want to hear that.

 

You are right Foz. Don't ask what his intentions are or anything of the sort. Just go with your feelings and if he is trying to make things up with you or being friendly ( and you are ok with that ) then be friendly. You have to take care of yourself first.. and always protect yourself. You should be cautious and keep your eyes open here--don't push him away when he is being "friendly"...but don't engage him when he isn't.

 

Something similar happened to a friend of mine and after being broken up for a year her guy came back and proposed. This was such an interesting story when she told me that I asked her "what did you do in that year?" she said " I was very strong, even though it was killing me inside, but I wasn't going to show him how much it was hurting me. I went out and went on with my life and I pretended I didn't care about him anymore."

 

Now, I'm not telling you this to get your hopes up, but just as a reminder that people do change their minds...and strange things happen ( and all those cliches).

 

You have to be strong. Whatever his motives are now...trust YOUR feelings and your gut instinct. Look out for yourself...and let him keep doing nice things for you

 

Great advice and an amzaing story. That's what I like to call a 'power move' to get a guy to come back, on his own volition, and to propose after that...from standing her own ground. I admire that in your friend and I assume that young man found out that the grass isn't greener and that your friend was certainly worth going out on a limb for. I know that's not the norm, but I feel happy for her and that she was abls to show such strength and courage during such an emotional time.

[Wimpy]

Hi Foz

 

Well I'd agree with everyone else - just see what happens. It's pretty hard to do though - if you're anything like me you'd be super analysing every gesture and action to see what it meant. Remember too that guys don't always do things because of the same motivation as women - if the roles were reversed you might have sent him flowers and it meant a whole lot more... with a guy - perhaps he just thought "it's her birthday, I'll buy her some flowers". It might be as simple as that.

 

Do what's best for YOU but don't forget that he left you in a very cowardly way with no warning at all.

 

I wouldn't let that happen again.

 

Keep us posted - I like to see what's happened......

[Mun]

Kipster, my friend has been married now for about 10 years.. Happily married to a great guy.

 

She's a great person too who thought to herself " I'd rather lose him than beg him to come back"...I learned alot from her.

[eva1218]

hope everyone can be as strong as her.....

[Foz]

it's all very well to say be patient and be friendly but wouldnt i be a right fool to be his friend for a year in the hope that we might get back together and then him turn around after a year and tell me he was getting married to someone else or something like that.

 

The reality is i still love him and the only reason i am meeting him and taking his calls is because i hope it will lead somewhere. If he were to tell me there is no hope of us getting back together and he just wants a friendship, i would tell him where to go with his friendship!!

 

I will do nothing for the moment and let him do the contacting but i really have to stop him if i know it is going nowhere because if all it is is friendship on his part then its not worth the pain. I pop into his mind, he calls we have a nice chat and he hangs up and doesnt think of me again for 6 weeks & in the meantime im shedding tears and analysing everything he said on the phone and he isnt giving me a second thought cos he has no intention of getting back with me. I will just be reliable old Foz who he can call when he needs to hear that someone thinks he is great and loves him no matter what. And im not going to be that fool who boosts his ego the odd time i pop into his head.

 

So i will see what happens over the next 6-8 weeks and then by march it will have been over between us for 6 months and he should bloody well have a good idea of what it is he wants and if all it is is friendship well i will just have to tell him, that i cant be his friend because i want more and wont settle for being just a friend and that will be that. He and i will then probably never see each other again.

 

The other alternative is he comes back, says he still loves me, we get married and live happily ever after. What would the odds be on that??

[Tryingtobestrong]

Dear Foz,

 

I agree with your post 150%. I feel the same way. Only have not had the strength yet to actually tell him that or go NC on him.

 

Just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one in this situation.