Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[Foz]

ok, i am battling with myself now, i still stand by what i said in my previous post but part of me wants to call him just to see where he is at and what will he say to me..

its tough because i know i would be taking the risk of having a relapse but there is a part of me that wants to know what he has to say..

Im finding it hard not to pick up the phone or maybe email but i dont know what i would say in my email..

Im not upset im just curious..or confused. oh i dont know what i feel actually..

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

In an ideal world you wouldn't call him and you would heal and be fine without ever speaking to him again.

But I think it's pretty likely you will call him at some point (it's natural to be curious), so if you do, you need to think what you want to get out of the conversation.

 

Just ask yourself a few questions and then you can be prepared.

Do you want to keep it light and happy and not mention anything? Do you want to ask about being friends?

Do you want to know how he feels?

Do you want to know what he wants?

Do you want to ask about if he's seeing anybody? (you really have to keep it under wraps that you've checked his emails. Even though we would all do it, it is mad ex behaviour).

Do you want him to come back?

 

Just think about what YOU want from the conversation and make sure you get it.

 

Not sure if this helps x

[Foz]

this is what my male friend said when i emailed him about J's call

 

So J is all friendly and chirpy.... Well, I guess there's no reason why

he wouldn't be. After all, it wasn't him who came home one day to find that

his home had been dismantled by his partner without so much as a word of

warning. As to whether or not you should call him, I'm not sure but I think

probably not. It might be no harm for him to know that after the dust

settled that he still comes accross as an arseh0le. He may just be deluded

enough to believe his own bullsh1t about it being the best way etc. He

behaved appallingly and couldn't have been more cowardly. That said, I don't

think it's your job to set him straight before he does it to the next person

and the next. It'd probably make no difference.

And it is all correct and everyone else is saying do not call him, let him call you again if he really wants to talk.

Inresponse to your question Happythoughts, i dont want to be his friend, i could never be happy for him that he would find what we had together with someone else.

do i want to know what he feels and wants? yes

do iwant him back?? now that is tough, part of me says no way, you had your chance and you walked out on me and left me in a right state and part of me wishes we could have the good times back..

God i thought i had come so far but this phone call has set me back to thinking about all sorts of scenarios again..

 

just got a text from him now saying " thinking you must be pretty pissed off today, its amazing how america thinks so differently to the rest of the world"

my god what is going on, he knows im a fervant anti Bush person but what is all this about.

Please help me out here guys..

[happythoughts]

Hi Foz,

 

Your male friend is a star - how hearfelt of him and how nice for you to have him to talk to. No disrespect to female friends, but when my male friends recoil at what the ex has done, it almost means more to me because they are being honest and not just saying what you want to hear.

 

You answered the questions the way I thought you would - it's the crux of why you need to work out your thoughts before you speak to him (if you speak to him).

 

If you do speak to him, you're going to have to be firm with him and to the point, otherwise it could go all astray and be very tearful.

 

I think at your heart you want to know if he misses you and wants to come back. I'm not saying you'd take him back, but you'd quite like the option to think it over and decide whether YOU would be willing to try and trust him again.

 

So, I think you need to approach the conversation by cutting out the bulls*it about what fun you've both been having on your own (I guarantee he will play this card on you to start with), and get down to the nitty gritty.

 

Now you don't have to go in all guns blazing, but focus on asking him questions that will get him to say what he really feels. If you attack him and talk about how miserable you are, he will be on the defensive and run.

 

So ask lots of questions, try and stay calm, and see what he wants.

 

if he's trying to be friends or is still confused, or remains 'happy with his decision' then make it clear you don't want much to do with him.

 

if he's calling because he feels a bit lonely and just wants to know if you care before heading back to his single, shagtastic lifestyle, then that is not going to help you at all.

 

But if he's calling because he wants to talk to you about stuff, find out how you feel and talk about what happened, then there is scope for progress (either towards closure or getting back together, if that would be what you want).

 

If you shout and cry, you're not going to feel better getting off that phone and you're just going to want to call him back, so don't do that

 

Hope I'm not confusing you more, i just think if you do speak to him, you need to think of the different ways it could go and your response to each of them.

[happythoughts]

ps I think his text is trying to reach out to you in some way.

[Foz]

so do i respond to the text and wait for him to ring me??

i dont know what to do, i do agree with all your saying happythoughts but im afraid i will set myself back by talking to him if what he is saying is he only wants to be friends or some other crap like that..see i dont know what he is thinking so i could be setting myself up for a fall.

its not like ive my hopes up or anything, i dont, i just am confused...

[happythoughts]

I would respond to his text in a generic way - just answer his point about Bush and leave it at that.

 

It takes a very strong will to realise that you might be setting yourself up for a fall - and to back off and not call him. I admire that so much.

 

I'm a bit more masochistic I guess! But if you don't call him back then you may never know what he feels - whether he wants to get back together, wants to say sorry or whatever (although if he wants you back enough he shouldn't be put off by you not answering).

 

Unfortunately you can't guarantee what he's going to say and so you have to weigh up the odds: never knowing what he wanted..... or hearing what he has to say, good or bad.

 

If you are strong enough to take whatever he has to say (friends crap, I'm happy with my decision etc etc) and knowing it will be hard, but you will get over it, then call. What he has to say might make you feel better.

 

If you would rather not know and don't want to give him the power of knowing you care and still feel so hurt (completely understandable and justifiable) then don't call him. If you feel in your gut that he's just calling to ease his guilt, don't call him.

 

I'm not recommending you ring him love, I'm just playing devil's advocate and going through the options with you.

It's a tough call!

[Princess777]

Foz don't contact him..... if a man wants you back (and wouldn't that be ALL that you want) he will FIND you or CONTACT you, one way or another. Don't give in to his cheap attempts at small talk after what he did to you.

 

I'm telling you, if you want this guy to want you back (whether you intend to take him back or not, I wouldn't, but that's just me) you need to NOT TALK TO HIM...... it's the BEST and QUICKEST way back to their heart. You know it is. It's hard, yes, but what is the end goal here? To ultimately be disappointed because you appeared desperate by returning his call/text, or appearing like you couldn't care less about him. Remember it's human nature to want what we can't have.

[Foz]

princess didnt get your reply in time!!!

i responded to his text, said something banal about bush and said id got his voice mail and hope you are keeping well.

then i got a phone call from him, i was very friendly and jokey and upbeat, said i was doing fine, i was thinking of buying an apartment, work was going well, id been on a few weekends away, i was back in the gym,

he said work was slow for him, he was living with a friend until december but didnt know where he was going to go then..anyway it was a 30 minute chat, i didnt bring up the emails, the other girls or us..it was like old times.

In a way i didnt want his abiding memory to be of me balling my eyes crying, telling him how he destroyed me..so i acted upbeat..i was sad afterward because it reminded me of the good times.. i left it up to him to contact me saying i didnt feel i could contact him because he was the one who didnt want me in his life anymore so i didnt feel i could call him..

I think the call went well because i appeared strong, there was no blame or anything, just catching up and laughing like we used to, it was nice, im a bit upset now but im glad i appeared strong.

I still dont get the impression that he is coming back but i wanted him to feel like he talked to the girl he fell in love with last night and i think i achieved that..he certainly wasnt talking to the person he nearly destroyed.

I dont know if this is a good or bad thing but for the first time in a long time i felt strong and i felt like i handled the situation well.

I dont have any expectations at the moment and im so glad i didnt get angry and start going on about the other girls or anything. i just was myself before the break up..

What do you guys think??

[popo]

Foz,

 

 

Princess777's right. he should try better than just leave a message.

i've been in both situation. i contacted my ex after he left a message to my sis, he didnt respond and i was devastated. next time he leave a message, i swear to God i wont let him have that satisfaction anymore. yes, after a while, he left a message again, and i didnt contact him back. a week later he contected me again!! it feels so great!!

so, hope u'll choose the 2nd one. show him that u're stronger than he is.

[popo]

foz,

 

wow, i'm happy for u. but i dont think u should talk about why u couldnt cantact him. it shows that u still have feeling for him and still waiting for him. but well, u just tried to b honest. i like that.

dont anylize too much on this and keep on healing.

[happythoughts]

Hi Foz,

 

What you did in acting all happy is what i did - it made me feel better too, like I'd got a bit of control of the situation...and I also wanted him to miss the fun me.

 

Just be careful of your heart. Deep in mine I wanted him to come back and I was happy and upbeat for seven months, thinking if he was ever going to come back that was the best way to do it.

 

All I'm saying is be careful, because you may think it will bring him back when it might not (if that's what you want). It might just relieve his guilt...and you could be left with all these feelings months later.

 

You could put a time limit on it, say we're going to be friendly for two months more and then I'm going to ask him how he feels about what happened.

 

I'm just warning you that conversations like that feel good at the time...but they could go on for months and you never get to find out how he properly feels.

 

But good on you for not breaking down or talking about the other girls - you sounded like you were doing better than him and that's good for you x

[Foz]

yeah there was a part of me that felt that i was making it easy for him to feel less guilty about how he treated me, but i just didnt want to go on about how hurt i am. I wanted to appear strong not a victim so that is what i chose to do.

Im sure if we ever do meet i will tell him how much he hurt me and how i can never forgive him for the way he did it but i dont want to carry around too much anger cos that wont help me either..

[trishcollins]

Foz,

 

I think you handled the call with grace and dignity. He can't fault you for that. The fact that your feel strong again is a good sign. Yes, you will probably feel for awhile that by showing "the old you" that it might trigger him to come back, but I think everyone is right -- be careful. It sounds to me like he might be thinking his new life is not so great, and no one wants anyone back just 'cause things didn't work out for them somewhere else.

 

We all know in our heart that once you breakup with someone, if they come back it has to be because you love each other and because you want to work it out. So many people get back together for the wrong reasons -- like it's what they know best, or they feel guilt or pity. A relationship breakup is a sign there is something wrong with the relationship that needs to be fixed. You have to identify what that is and both be prepared to work on it.

 

I told my "ex" straight out, "you better not come back out of pity or guilt, and when you do come back, it better be with a ring in your back pocket, and the first place we are going is to the counseller" He agreed there would be no more half measures, but of course, he is not coming back so it's really a mute point.

 

I do know that "in control" feeling and it does feel good. You will find you get that feeling more and more. Good for you Foz.

[happythoughts]

Trish,

 

I think you're right. I think when people are left brokenhearted there is a tendency to want the ex back regardless - the 'it doesn't matter, just come back!' kind of feeling. But over time you realise that if they did come back it would have to be for good, with 100% commitment. You couldn't put yourself through all that all over again.

 

I was only saying be careful Foz because I had a massive need to be 'strong' when I spoke to my ex. I don't regret it, it's better crying all over them! But in some ways I actually think me being like that helped him move on - it made him feel less guilty! Not that we want to go around making them feel hideous, but I was using it as a tool in the hope he may come back, when in fact it helped him carry on with his life I think. It's only now, seven months later, that I need to say my piece - I can't hide behind it any longer.

 

I just don't want you to end up in my situation - with things still to say and feeling like an idiot because they seem so over it. Don't leave it that long!

 

Trish - congrats on the end of that court case. if you're ex who clearly doesn't deserve you won't congratualte you, we will!

[trishcollins]

Trish,

 

I don't regret it, it's better crying all over them! But in some ways I actually think me being like that helped him move on - it made him feel less guilty!

 

Yes, happythoughts, I agree that indeed if we are all strong and confident and elude dignity and grace, they may feel less guilty and it may help them move on - not exactly what we want. But if the only thing that is connecting them to you is their guilt, then who needs them.

 

I in fact, want my "ex" to stop feeling guilty, because he can't deal with anything else in his life until he stops feeling bad over hurting me. When you love someone, even if they have left you, you don't want them to hurt or feel bad, especially in my case. I love him enough to want him to be happy, even if he means that I am no longer part of his life.

 

And "thanks" for the congrats. It's nice to know someone cares.

[Foz]

I dont really hold out too much hope for anything, deep down i believe he made up his mind the day he started moving out and i dont think he will ever go back on that.

And as for him feeling less guilty and being able to move on with his life more quicly as a result of the phone call, he had already begun to do that anyway so guilt wasnt stopping him. Before he spoke to me last night he had already got a new flat, started "scoring" other girls and planned a trip to NZ to do a triathlon so guilt was not stopping him moving on with his life.

im still grieving and i am still hurt and im not quite there yet but before i was existing and now im survivng and soon enough i will be living again!!

i may have one more chat with him but i will then make it perfectly clear that i cant just be his friend and unless he has changed his mind about us there is no point being mates.

[happythoughts]

I agree, trying to stay friends is a very hard thing to do. In a way it pours more hurt into an open wound.

 

When I was reading the 'getting back together' forum, all the advice says keep up the happy talk for as long as it takes....months and months etc.

 

But I think you have to say your piece while there is still immense feeling there - otherwise it looks a bit pathetic after a long time.

 

Foz, the fact you accept he's not coming back means you are doing so well. Extinguishing that hope is the hardest thing to do.

 

I think you should be proud of how you're handling this!

[angelsgal]

Although my situation is a bit different, and I know my "ex" isn't out there jumping into bed with someone new, it still makes you angry that someone you were so close and intimate with can seemingly have such little respect for you. I think back to before the breakup when we used to joke and laugh and confide in each other, and talk about how we were perfect for each other, etc., and wonder how we got from there to here. I can't figure out how someone can just say "that's enough of that" and simply move on.

 

Your quote really struck me, Trish! I also remember laughing, making future vacation plans (7-day cruise), and both of us confiding things in each other just HOURS before my ex broke up with me. I still can't figure out what happened (although I make guesses and get options), but fortunately I don't think about it all the time like I used to.

 

Just hang in there, it will get better. Believe me, it's only been four months for me, and I feel much better now than I did. I feel stronger and more in control, and feeling less like a victim. I am in charge of my life, not him.

 

It will be exactly 4 months for me as well and I'm also feeling much more in control of my life. But there were days when I never thought I could EVER get over my ex in spite of other people telling me that it would take time. Do you know what? It does take time, but it happens! For anyone going through a breakup....eventually you will start feeling better and feel more in control of your own life. Even if you can't see it yet, you will.

 

Do I still have moments of sadness? Of course! Do I still feel angry that my ex just threw our relationship away like it meant nothing to him? Definitely! But I'm moving on with my life...and am realizing that there IS someone better for me out there...I just have to be open to the possibilities and go out and find him.

[angelsgal]

i may have one more chat with him but i will then make it perfectly clear that i cant just be his friend and unless he has changed his mind about us there is no point being mates.

 

That's a great attitude to have, Foz! You definitely can't be friends with an ex that you still have feelings for. That only leads to heartache and more pain. Hang in there.....it does get better.

[Foz]

now i get why NC is a good idea, since the chat i know what im missing out on and it hurts, we had a really good chat and it was like old times but it hurts because that is all it was -old timess- and we are not together and now im thinking along the lines of see how good we are together, why cant we have that back, why did you throw it away??

guess im having a relapse...

maybe i would have been better off not having the friendly chat with him because now im missing him and the friendly chats!

i lost my best friend and i miss him, especially now that i know we can still have them type of conversations..

maybe i should just email him and tell him no more chatting, if he aint coming back i cant be his friend...

Damn, im not as positive as i was yesterday..

and yeah i feel like i made it so easy for him, he didnt even say sorry, nothing, sure he didnt have to because i was so friendly, now he probably thinks he is forgiven and he is such a nice guy keeping in contact with the ex blah blah blah...DAMN

[trishcollins]

maybe i would have been better off not having the friendly chat with him because now im missing him and the friendly chats!

maybe i should just email him and tell him no more chatting, if he aint coming back i cant be his friend...

 

Foz, once again, I know EXACTLY how you feel. You find yourself chatting like old times, and suddenly you think there is a chance, when in fact, they are just relieved you are not crying or screaming at them. You feel great for an hour or two or even a day or two, and then you start to realize that nothing has really changed, except now they are even further "off the hook" for their behaviour, and you are back to square one. Believe me, I know first hand that feeling. The only positive thing that came out of that was you have your dignity and behaved like a grownup.

 

NC works because deep down, every time we are in touch with our exes, we think we might somehow spark something in them that will change their mind. My feeling on this, and I am sure others would agree, if and when they want to come back, they will do so on their own. I did exactly what you did, only via email -- chatted about this and that a few times back and forth. At first I felt great to be back in touch, but soon I was feeling sad because he wasn't giving me any indication he was changing his mine.

 

So, I said in my last email (one month ago today), that I was indeed going to NC (explained to him what that was) and that I would only be in touch via birthday and Christmas cards, and would prefer he did not get in touch with me unless he had changed his mind about us, because I felt that he was sending me mixed messages and that I was interpretting things incorrectly, and it was best to just not communicate. He respected that, and although I miss my best friend too, it's the only way you can get past it, and believe me, you will get past it eventually.

 

I am still sending the letter I wrote, but not until I have my counseller vet it for me, and then will drop it in the mailbox when I am at the airport heading out for my three week holiday. That way, I won't be sitting at home waiting for a call or an email. I will be in Tasmania, so I won't be easily reached.

[happythoughts]

Oh lord tell me about it, that elation that you can chat and they are so familiar and you are actually having FUN together.

 

Then you get off the phone (or finish your drink in my case), they go their way and you go yours. It is unbearably sad!

 

I don't know what the answer is...all I know is it has added hugely to my confusion over the break-up. Hence, seven months on I still need closure. No more chit chat, it's been nice and got us past the hurt, but I still feel empty.

 

Foz, keep yourself busy and keep your head held high. And I hope you're not crucfying yourself over every little thing you did or said that was'wrong'. You didn't do anything wrong x

[Foz]

Trish, you are so wise and happthoughts unfortunately you speak from experience and dont want me to go down that route.

yeah i felt so proud of myself for the way i handled it yesterday but today im cursing myself for letting him off the hook and letting him think he is forgiven. i was so friendly and upbeat that im sure he is thinking he didnt do anything wrong..which he bloody well did, moving out while i was away on a business trip, i can forgive many things but not that!!

yeah i guess there is a part of me that wishes he could see the me he fell in love with and come back but that is wishful thinking..

i guess another part of me is afraid to close all doors of communication just because it is so final... but i do think you are right trish there is no point in contacting me again unless he has changed his mind about us..but can i say that to him??

Trish your letter is so beautiful, if he does not get down on his knees and beg you to marry him then he is one stupid man..Tasmania sounds great, when are you off?? it will be the summer there as well!! Cool nothing like a bit of winter sun to lift the spirits

[Foz]

hey Happy Thoughts, Happy Birthday!!