Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

i got your PM but didn't have chance to reply because I've been so busy.

 

Hang in there - I know it is still awful and it will feel like that for a while. But I promise it does get better. Don't give him anything for his birthday - he doesn't deserve it, although I know it will hurt you all day tomorrow not to speak to him or acknowledge it. Unfortunately this is part of letting go and it's sad, but some stupid girl is going to be giving him gifts etc.

 

I gave my ex a beautiful present and bought him dinner on his birthdya - after we broke up - and he didn't deserve it!

 

I think once you are in your new place you will feel a bit better. It's a fresh start. I have no idea how you've managed to cope still living in the same apartment.

 

Lots of love and hugs. Keep strong, you are amazing and are keeping it together even though you feel like you're falling apart. I'll send you a PM on Monday xxxx

[trishcollins]

Foz, I think it's safe to say we are all right there with you and we are here for support. I can't imagine what it would be like for someone to say that after four years. I would be dumbfounded. I have enough trouble with "I love you, but I can't make commitments right now". Not sure which is worse, having them be so direct and mean, or having them be vague and leaving you always wondering.

 

As someone else said, perhaps he is being blunt so you will be shocked into moving on faster -- "for your own good". I know my "ex" went into "dad mode" when he tried to tell me how to deal with the situation. It was weird and it just upset me. It was like he knew what was best, and I was some little kid who didn't have a clue about life. Funny thing is, I have been in many relationships and survived many breakups, and this is only his first breakup ever.

 

The trouble is, we will probably never know why people do what they do. I hope that if I were ever going to leave someone (which I have NEVER done), that I would at least be honest and up front, and be very clear about the future. I would never be cruel and never be misleading.

 

Don't give his birthday a second thought. Just think about how much fun you will have in your new place. I know Christmas will be tough (it will be for me too), but know that you will survive it (it's just another day), and once into 2005, it will all be far behind us.

[koline]

Hi Foz,

 

I am sorry to hear you do not feel good. You have been so helpfull to me. As you know my situation is quite similar to yours, so I just share with you this moment I can so understand!

 

I feel this horrible sadness to, and can not stop thinking about my ex with his new girlfriend, but I am convinced that you and me we will one day see the light at the end of the tunnel and be happy again.

We will meet someone else, we will have meaningful relationships and will take a look back and say: I am much better without him and I learned something from this sad story. You have to keep that in mind.

 

Maybe everything happens for a reason, and maybe we had to live that stage in order to meet the "right one". Sounds idealistic but I am sure that life is full of surprises. We had a really bad one, but some day, soon I hope, we will have a good one.

 

I send you a lot of positive vibes.

[Foz]

the irony gets worse and worse. Today Its also 3 months exactly since we broke up!

 

Thanks for all your posts!!

 

I must say a big thank you to Happy Thoughts, Trish Collins, Princess 777, Icme and Muneca.You have been a wonderful support to me these past 3 months, I really appreciate your advice, support and friendship!!

 

Today i have a bit of a lump in my throat but im just trying to get through it. Im a bit sad remembering his last few birthdays and the fun we had celebrating them, im remembering living together cos im just about to move out and im remembering breaking up cos its 3 months today. That is alot of remembering in one day!!

[leeptalu]

Foz, I have ust read through this entire thread- so much of what you has been through rings true with me and i'm sure many others on this forum! My man of 4 years broke up with me 7 weeks ago, saying that we 'werent compatible' and other such vaguenesses. For a while I thought i was being strong by agreeing to be his friend, then had it all come back in my face when we were at dinner last week and he thought it was okay to tell me about a girl he kissed while out with his friends. I ws devastated all over again and havent been able to stop crying for a week. I was so weak after he told me this , I sent him a lovely email to which I received no reply, and now I just can't believe how the man I loved so much could be so cruel, as though offloading this piece of information would somehow remove the guilt he attached to it or maybe he was bolstering his ego to see me jealous.How can we have been so blind to these things that we see about the ones we love when they leave us?Have come to the decision that NC seems to be the way to go, it gives me back some of the power that he took away.I am starting to feel angry now and - shock!- met a lovely guy yesterday who was so kind and attentive and goodlooking that i felt the glimmer of that fuzzy glow again. Could it be possible that there really ARE lovely, kind, beautiful, sensitive, sexy , loyal SINGLE men out there?Well, maybe and here's hoping .... and Foz I am sure that there are planty more to share around! We are going to be okay babe..... we HAVE to keep remembering that we are the best people that we can be and have all of these amazing qualities to give. And as a friend of mine said only today- when things like this happen, it tells you about all the things that you don't want in a relationship that will only serve to make the next one even more special. Keep yur heart open to love and it will find its way to you, no matter what form it takes x

[Foz]

hi there,

 

I think my point of realisation was my last phone call witht he ex when he refused to apologise over the way he had left me and said he did it like that because his mind was made up and he did not want to discuss it with me. I remember thinking how selfish are you after 3.5 years together that you did what was easiest for you and packed up and left without discussing it and taking my feelings into account.

And then i started thinking about the whole relationship and how, like the break up, it was on his terms. I was always the one that had to fit in with his plans and i was always the one who had to change, never him. So i went along with it for 3.5 years, i did everything on his terms and tried to change things he didnt like about me. I always put him and his happiness first and never once demanded he changs or do things differently and guess what-He Still Left Me!!

To be fair it is only with hindsight and a bit of Counselling that i see our relationship that way! At the time i thought it was perfect but now i realise if it was perfect we would still be together.

Anyway what have i learned from it all??

To not be afraid to speak about what you want from the relationship. If they leave when you talk about your needs then they were not right for you! i never spoke up about what i wanted and what i was unhappy about, i did everything to make him happy and he still left me. I wont be making that mistake again..

my heart is no longer shattered, i no longer miss him but i do still feel hurt and betrayed by the way he acted towards me. I was discarded like the 3.5 years meant nothing and that still hurts!

Anyway the new apartment is great. I feel an enormous sense of relief not to be surrounded by memories of the ex anymore. I also have a new flat mate (a guy) to chat to in the evening, and our conversations are very light hearted and nothing heavy and we never discuss my ex which i think is a good thing..

im back in the gym and socialising alot again. i think also since my mood has improved im getting alot more invites to socialise again( i guess when you are down people avoid you because not everyone is good with dealing with emotions) and throughout this i have found out who my real friends are, they are the ones that will listen to you over and over again whining and crying over the ex and never get sick of you!!

So to all of you who thought you would never get over a break up,look at the start of my thread and see how far i have come!!

[caveat]

Foz,

 

You really have come a long way in 3 1/2 months. Keep up the great work and keep sharing it with those who are now going through what you went through back in September. It will do them good to see what happens when one chooses to stand up and push forward rather than lay down and mope.

 

You are one tough lady!

 

Caveat

[Mun]

Good for you Foz, I think your strength always shinned through.. even at your lowest moments.

 

You are right about what you said: Anytime we make enormous sacrifices on our happiness to keep a relationship, we are cheating ourselves and we will lose the respect of the other person.

 

Keep your chin up girl.

[Foz]

Well Happy Christmas and new year to you all!

 

On the 20th of December i got a voicemail message from the Ex. I was away for the weekend and out of signal on my mobile and at some stage over the weekend he rang and left a message

" hi, just ringing to say hello and see how you are, give me a ring back if you like, ok bye, talk to you soon"

I was gobsmacked and once again confused, what did it mean, was he getting sentimental and missing me over the holiday season or was he just trying to alleviate his guilt about how he left me as after our last phone call in November he was under no illusions as to how hurt i was.

 

Anyway i didnt ring him back as i was afraid of him saying something that would dreadfully upset me again.

 

But i spent alot of Christmas crying again, hearing his voice and him ringing me over Christmas reminded me of all the christmas's we had spent together and last Christmas when we went to Mexico for the month. I cried alot again, i guess im still hurt and i guess this time of year is quite a nostalgic time. I guess a part of me still misses him despite everything.

 

I think i half expected him to call or text or email me over christmas or something but he did put the onus on me to call him back so maybe that is why he never called again.

 

Oh yeah and now my sleep is haunted my dreams of him..

 

I guess im not as over it as i thought i was..

[Princess777]

Hey Foz,

 

Glad to hear from you again. Wouldn't it be easier for you if he just didn't call..... I don't know why some people tend to drag your heart through the dirt, then decide that they didn't quite get enough dirt on it or step on it hard enough, so they drag it through again by doing something like that phone call.

 

I'll bet you weren't feeling that badly before he called, but once he did, it kind of set it all into motion again. I hate him for doing that to you!

 

Foz you're so sweet, don't waste any time on that loser.... The past is just that, the past. Make a pact to yourself that he took that from you, but he cannot take your future, don't give him one more minute of that which you have control over. Make new memories!!!!!

 

I had a very bad Christmas too. My husband is finally moving out, (should be totally out no later than Saturday -- UGH ) but the difference is that I WANT him out... he is not right for me no more than your ex was right for you. How can he be the one if he makes you cry so much,,, it can't be right if it hurts so bad. Remember that!!! This jerk of mine has caused me more pain than anyone I've ever met has. He has no remorse, he doesn't care about anything. I have accepted reality for what it is.... yes I wasted 2 years on him but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste any more!!!!!!!! And that's the way you have to look at it.... concentrate on the GOAL and don't let your foot get caught in old tracks. Cause if you do it will get stuck.

 

((((((((((((((((((((take care, you))))))))))))))))))))))))

[trishcollins]

Hey Foz,

 

Sorry you were subjected to that once again. It sounds like he was feeling a little lonely and confused. I just wish they would THINK about what they do in terms of how it affects us, not just how it affects them. Anyway, I am sorry that it brought it all back to you again. But this time of year is always hard on the emotions.

 

I can certainly relate. I too thought I was past it, but on Christmas Day something in my brain "snapped" and I sat down and wrote a long email to my "ex". I didn't hold back about anything. I said all the things I didn't say until now because I felt he needed to figure them out for himself. I told him I was angry and disappointed and hurt and frustrated and that although I still back up all the things I said in that letter to him, that I just wanted to get some things off my chest. I wrote three emails, three days in a row, and basically told him that if all he felt was guilt when he read them, that he should not contact me. And if he felt anything else, he should be at the airport to meet me when I get back.

 

It wasn't all bad, and I did say the reason I had this "mini-breakdown" was that Christmas makes it hard and that I just got word from friends of ours that they were engaged. And to top it off, the people I am staying with have a very similar story to my own and they were able to work it through and are very happy togehter, so it's been tough to be around them and see the way he looks at her, the way my "ex" used to look at me. So the distance and perspective I thought I would get on this trip, have not materialized.

 

I don't regret sending the emails, and of course, there is no response. I am glad I sent them because I told him that it would give me closure knowing that I told him things that he is finally ready to hear. I told him that his daughter will only learn to lash out at others instead of dealing with her feelings properly, and the reason his son is doing so poorly in school and other areas, is his fear of growing up. I truly believe his son feels that he has lost everyone he cares about (including me), and by not growing up, he can keep his father around. I told him by not discussing these issues with his kids, which he obviously had not, he will only perpetuate the situation and ultimate make it worse.

 

I didn't try and talk about us, other than I said that even though he keeps saying "if it were up to me, things would be different", I told him it was "always up to him" and that he made all the decisions, and we all had to live with them. I went on to say that his decision to end the relationship without discussion was just another example. And that at this point in time, I couldn't decide which was worse, knowing that he perhaps never loved me, and that I was merley a distraction for his own hurt and pain, and our relationship was all a lie, or knowing that he really did love me, but not enough to try and work it through. I really feel he has had enough time to start to recognize that this situation is not normal and get help and deal with his issues. Since he obviously hasn't, I said that he probably never wanted our relationship enough to try and work through the issues. And that felt he would continue to repeat the same things in future relationships if he did not do something to help himself now.

 

I told him I felt I needed to be honest and tell him how I felt. That I could never be friends with my "exes" anyway, because I always want more, and so if I negated any friendship with my emails, well sobeit. I said that I am sure if he loves me, he will understand why I did it, and if he doesn't love me, well then it doesn't matter anyway.

 

So, I have done it all from A to Z. I have tried to be patient, kind, loving and generous, looking at things from his perspective and trying to understand why he did what he did. I have tried reason and logic. I tried begging and crying (only once or twice), and finally I have tried anger by expressing the things that I felt it was time for him to hear. Anything to give me an emotional at all. I told him that this is really it for me. There will be no more contact, cards, letters, calls, nothing. That if after all this, he can still walk away, then there is no future for us. Six months is enough time to spend crying over someone who obviously doesn't want you.

 

I don't think I will ever hear from him again, but it's for the best. If everything I have done has not stirred up something in him, then perhaps our relationship never meant to him what it means to me. If that is the case, then I don't want him back.

 

Funny how time and distance can change your perspective on things.

[ryan14]

Hi Foz

 

i know exactly what you're feelin, remember its part of the healing process, this will give you the opportunity to become a stonger person, in time you wont feel sad again, keep moving forward you can do it.

[happythoughts]

Foz, sweetheart, sorry this is shortish but I haven't looked on enotalone for weeks - then I saw your post and had to send you a few lines.

 

Your ex calling you has set you back but it's perfectly normal that it would. And it's also normal that you are going to have relapses like this where you feel sad, cry, wonder about him - it really hasn't been that long since the break-up, not in terms of the length of the relationship.

 

Remember how last time we talked and you were doing so much better? Well those times will come round again. The way I see it is that people have relapses but the bounce-back time between them is much shorter as time goes on. Whereas before the misery was every waking moment, now you can pull yourself together after a few days and feel more positive.

 

I felt just like you did after I was dumped on my arse - in absolute despair. But I promise that time is the biggest healer. I still think of the ex every single day but if I ever cry, I am bouncing back within a few hours now, whereas before it was just all a heartbreaking blur stretching into weeks. I promise this will come to you too.

 

I'm wondering whether you feel you need to talk to him? Are you feeling like you need more closure from him or do you think you can pull through this stage on your own? We're all here to help you. Try and keep strong - doing it on your own is probably best but as you know, I needed a physical meeting and proper closure and that is what helped me.

 

Also try and remember the bad things about him too - his flaws and your level of compromise throughout.

And I know this sounds harsh but you really don't want to be with somebody who can't commit 100% to the relationship and who isn't giving you what you deserve. You owe it to yourself to be open to that happening with somebody else - and it will. It took me a while to realise it but we really shouldn't want to be with people who don't want us.

 

Trish, your story is so sad and your ex never deserved you either. You are so right to email him and tell him how you feel and of the hurt he's caused. It doesn't matter that he doesn't get back to you - this is for you.

 

In all honesty, I know he has problems with his children and his grief, but at the end of the day these are excuses for not dealing with his problems and for refusing to be open to the beautiful relationship you could have had together. He has run away and he will probably take years to realise it and see everything more clearly.

 

I read something lately that stuck with me. It was along these lines:

 

Every day they are not with you is them stating that they DON'T WANT to be with you.

 

All of our exes have had choices and they have chosen to walk. That is the bottom line, whatever their reasons....

 

We all deserve so much better xxx

[Foz]

Hi there,

Well it is 2005 and it is a new beginning. I got over Xmas, it was tough but the first everything without him will be a bit tough!

I dont think hearing from him before Xmas helped either as it started me thinking, why is he ringing, what does he want etc and i had stopped thining like that.

I feel alot more positive now though, he has walked out on me but he did not destroy me! i thought in the early stages i would never feel ok again but i guess the pld cliche about time is true!! I kind of felt relief on New Years eve that the year was over and the new year ahead was full of possibilities!! I dont think i will ever speak to him again, i just feel too hurt and anyway he certainly does not deserve my friendship and how could i be friends with him after what he did to me!

Princess, im sorry your marriage has come to an end, i hope you are ok. I guess you are right though, how can they be right if they cause you so much pain! And i also have started thinking if it was perfect we would still be together so it obviously wasnt perfect!!

Trish, i hope you got some closure as a result of the email. Unfortunately i think Christmas is a nostalgic time that brings up alot of raw emotions but hopefully with the new year we can all start again and move forwards and forget the past!!

Happythoughts, you are right the bad days are becoming fewer and it is only 4 months since we broke up so i am bound to have some relapses along the way but i can pick myself up again and see that i deserve alot better than what he was giving me! You are right i deserve 100% and i shouldnt be wanting someone who clearly doesnt want me!!

 

Happy New Year!!

[Hope75]

Foz,

 

Glad you are feeling strong again, it is so hard to go through this I know.

 

I have been separated from my live in ex of 2 years for 5 weeks and I have ups and downs...

 

We are talking about reconciliation but it is so hard to go through this and be in limbo with my feelings.

 

I praise your strength and have followed your story, 2005 will be a great year for all of us!

 

here is my story:

 

link removed

 

any advice for another lost soul?

 

Hope

[trishcollins]

Hey everyone, thanks for the support.

 

Foz, I am so glad to hear you are doing better and that you made it through the holidays. There is something about getting past a major event like this to let you know how strong you really are. I am feeling much better and looking forward now. I finally got the closure I was looking for and feel so much stronger now.

 

Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

[Foz]

Hi Guys,

 

Well after 2 months of no contact i screwed up and rang while drunk. The background to this was he had found out i moved out of the apartment and i heard back that he thought i had stolen his painting (story got v twisted by the time it got back to me). Anyway i was raging and decided to ring him at 3am to tell him where his painting was and to stop saying i had stolen it. Anyway once we had sorted out the painting business, he said he was glad i rang because he thought it would be intrusive to call me after i had not responded to his last voice message (Dec 20th). I said i didnt get the message. (i did but i just couldnt ring him back). I said i thought i would hear from him over xmas and he said he wanted to but when i hadnt responded to his voice message he thought i didnt want to hear from him. he said he was thinking of me and the time we spent in Mexico over Xmas.Anyways we kind of chit chatted and then he asked to meet up and i agreed.

 

Against all better judgement (what my head was telling me) I went and met him (what my heart was telling me). And boy was it hard. He looked really well for a start! Anyway we talked about work and people we knew and had a nice chat and i was holding it together until we spoke about the break up. He said he was sorry for causing me so much pain. he said he had always been honest with me. In response i said his honesty caused me alot of unnecessary pain and hearing "i am not against marriage, in fact id quite like to settle down one day and get married, just not with you" from someone you love was excruciating. He just kind of nodded, i also said he had given alot of mixed messages by saying "maybe the timing is wrong", "maybe i will never get married and always be alone". He kind of nodded and agreed that yes he was sending mixed messages.

 

He said what he did was kind of brutal and apologised for being a wanker!

He said we were not getting on and even i knew that. I said "yeah, i thought we were going through a rough patch and could work it out, i still think that but you just didnt want to". Of course i was crying at this stage!

i told him it was hard seeing him, well that was obvious from the tears.

 

he hugged me good bye and said he would ring a few times next time just in case i didnt get the first message!

 

Ok so how do i feel now? Upset, i guess i still love him and miss him and he still makes my heart ache. because we had such a pleasant chat and he didnt say anything cruel, it made me want him back.

 

He still cares about me but i didnt really see a glimmer of hope! And now im upset and want him back..and it still hurts alot or maybe i have just reopened all the pain and hurt..

[Mun]

Hi Foz,

You can be sure you are not the only one who has met up with an ex before, alot of us have. I think its only natural to want to see someone you loved so much again. And usually things can go either way--good or bad.

 

It sounds like even with the tears you held yourself together. Be proud that you didn't go off on him like you might have done months back.

 

Maybe now you can start to really move on and heal. It takes time, especially when you were together so long and even lived together, but you can do it.

 

Hang in there.

[Foz]

But Muneca, the problem now is meeting up reinforced all my feeling that i had tried to bury and now i just want him back again..

[sdw]

Hi Foz,

 

I went through this too, kept meeting my ex, still loved her a lot. Things have happened to change this a bit now and although painful they have helped (see my new post in Healing after break up and divorce if you are interested). But I remember too well the pain of meeting her and thinking I was big enough to be just her friend. I didn't get it, still don't - how can you be "just another friend" with someone you have shared the deepest intamicies with ? I honestly think not for a long time. Time does heal and you definitely need to initiate NC again. Slowly that part of your life will be pushed into the background, and it'll take a while but eventually you will stop thinking about him all the time. He sounds like a decent enough guy depsite his way of telling you, so I'd tell him next he calls that you just can't do the friends bit just now, but maybe in the future and in the meantime if anything bad happens to him or he wants to talk to you cos he's no one else he feels he can talk to then you're there.

 

I know exactly how you feel, anxious sad, a million questions going thru your mind. You'll get thru it - you were doing great until contact was made. I was exactly the same until I realised what was setting me back all the time - contact. Take it away and you'll heal slowly.

 

Take care,

Steve.

[trishcollins]

Foz,

 

My heart was breaking when I read your post about meeting up with your ex. I am sure that if I had met my ex, I would have been the same. I am so sorry you had to go through that again. It just goes to show you that no matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love you or want you, if they have made up their mind to move on. I am sure, like my ex, he feels terrible about what he did to you, and carries the guilt around with him, and at least it shows he is human and has some feelings about what he did. However, that is cold comfort when nothing changes, even when they see personally how much it effects you.

 

Anyway, take comfort in the fact that soon you will feel like I do. Less emotional and more indifferent. I don't cry anymore, and rarely feel sad (it's now 6.5 months since the breakup). I don't see myself with him anymore, like I did even two months ago. I see myself with someone else at some point, and know I will be happy again.

 

I know it's hard to believe it will happen, but it does. I guess for some, time does heal all wounds. Distance and time are our only friend here. The more distance we put between them and us, the better. Eventually, you will start to smile at the good times you had together without breaking into tears, and just accept the bad times without feeling anger or frustration.

 

I am at the point now, and although I know I am not ready to commit to someone new, at least not right now, I know I have finally accepted it's over, and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes it takes an event like meeting up with your ex to finally get to that point. Hang in there, you will get past this too.

[Foz]

hi there,

 

Unfortunately meeting up did not help me accept that it was over. It just made me want him back even more.

Im back thinking he was my soul mate and no one else can compare.

Even though i dont really see a glimmer of hope at the moment, i am now thinking that with time maybe he will see the light and we can work it out.

I guess im after taking about 10 steps back

[trishcollins]

I don't know what to say Foz. I know my ex pissed me off the way he responded to my letter -- like some "father-knows-best" emotionless robot, and it made me realize just how differently we see things.

 

It was what helped me realize that he will never come back. I was so angry the way he just responded that I wrote him an email finally saying all those things that I was holding back, telling him not to respond if he didn't feel anything but guilt. Of course when I got no repsonse, I think it finally helped me understood that there was no hope.

 

Hang in there, time will help.

[Mun]

You're just not there yet Foz, you're not angry enough to move on. If he doesn't come back then maybe at some point you will get angry enough and tell yourself " how could he have just walked away after all we went through and not realize I was his soul mate?" only then can healing begin.

 

If he were to realize he made a mistake and come back.. you still need to heal from this break up in order to move forward. Either way you must pick yourself up and get stronger.

 

I hope that things work out the way you want, but we are here for you in this no matter which way it goes.

[trishcollins]

you're not angry enough to move on.

 

Muneca is right, Foz. You do need to get angry. That's what did it for me. I got so angry that he could just be so blasé about our relationship (let naming his company in "memory" of our relationship), that I think that's what did it for me.

 

I think that why my last breakup was so hard. My previous ex was also so nice to me and went out of his way to not cause problems. It was only when he got angry at me for not accepting it was over (after almost 18 months), that I finally got closure.

 

You will get over this, I guarantee it.