Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[angelsgal]

I will do nothing for the moment and let him do the contacting but i really have to stop him if i know it is going nowhere because if all it is is friendship on his part then its not worth the pain. I pop into his mind, he calls we have a nice chat and he hangs up and doesnt think of me again for 6 weeks & in the meantime im shedding tears and analysing everything he said on the phone and he isnt giving me a second thought cos he has no intention of getting back with me. I will just be reliable old Foz who he can call when he needs to hear that someone thinks he is great and loves him no matter what. And im not going to be that fool who boosts his ego the odd time i pop into his head.

 

Good for you, Foz! I've been broken up with my ex for over 6 months (he broke up with me) and he will still call and or email me at least once a month even now! After a couple of months, I confronted him and asked him if he wanted to get back together again. He said he missed talking to me and wanted to be friends. I stopped responding because it was too painful for me. I never respond to his calls or emails anymore and am in a much better place because of it! You'll have to make your own judgment as to when you should ask him what his intentions are, but don't let these casual conversations go on forever. It will just hold you back from moving on with your life. Good luck!

 

Angel

[trishcollins]

Foz,

 

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I held out asking his intentions for six months, trying to be patient and understanding, but then I HAD to know. My ex was always very nice to me, and I am sure he would have loved to have been friends, but like you, I know I would always want more, and would end up getting my heart broken over and over again.

 

Each time I contacted him (he NEVER contacted me), he always responded with only wonderful things to say about me, but each time I was more and more confused. At first it was "he needed time to resolve some issues" and "reconcilation was a possibility", so I held out hope.

 

Then it was "there are no guarantees in life" and "no one knows what the future holds". And finally "you are a strong woman with a heart of gold and so much to give some lucky person" -- just not him. That to me was the nail in the coffin, and that's when I finally "let loose" and pulled the plug for my own sake.

 

You have to do what's best for you. I totally agree that at some point, you need to make that decision not to hold out hope anymore. It's usually takes some "incident" or "situation" to make that happen. I think that co-incides with getting angry (speaking from my own personal experince) and blowing off some steam, then once the dust settles you will have a clearer picture.

 

For me, it meant finally saying some things I felt he needed to hear, although I was very careful to stick to commenting on his behaviour and not attack or critisize him personally, and I have no regrets for doing it. It was a relief to know he finally "heard" where I was coming from, even if in the end, he does nothing with it.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. I can only say that being one month ahead of you, it will get easier.

 

BTW, I have decided to start dating again, or at least put out the word. I have posted my profile back on Lavalife and have a few friends who have been wanting to set me up, and I have given them the go-ahead.

 

For the first time in 7 months, I can actually see me with someone else, and I no longer feel guilty or upset about it.

[Foz]

I feel really depressed today, i have been composing a letter to the ex saying I love him, I miss him, I want him back but if all he wants is friendship then i cant do it as it is too painful for me.

i do want him back but I really feel that he is not going to want to get back together with me and that the letter will be in vain.

 

And I am scared because I know I will probably never see him again. I really don't think he cares about me the way I care about him.

 

he is back from his trip since Tuesday and he hasn't bothered to contact

me which again proves that I don't really enter his thoughts too much. Why I continue to love someone who obviously doesn't love me back is beyond me..

Its hard to imagine how my future is going to turn out as I thought it was

with him and now that he has taken that away from me, I'm just lost..

 

It's nearly 6 months since he left now and still the feelings have not faded. I still want him and I am scared he does not want me and this is the end and all the hope that i had that we would get back together is gone.

So why am i sending the letter?? Because i love him and i want to feel like i really fought for him even if it leads to more heartache..at least i will know i tried and it still wasnt enough and i can finally stop hoping, if that is possible!

[trishcollins]

Hey Foz,

 

I am SO right there with you. That's where I was two months ago, also at my six month point from the breakup.

 

As you know I sent a letter to my ex telling him I thought he was a good person, I understood why he was doing what he was doing and supported his effort to work through issues with his kids, and that I still loved him and missed him. His response was to echo back to me those same feelings, but he also went on to say that he wanted me to start dating others. It was a knife in the heart for me. I also picked up from the letter that he hadn't done anything to sort out the issues with his kids and that he had basically gone into autopilot and was simply existing. There had been no attempt on his part to work on the problems and that really upset me for some reason.

 

I then sent him a followup email two weeks later on Christmas Day, basically saying all the things I had kept bottled up for six months about how he didn't handle the situation very well, and how he wasn't doing his kids any favours and how I was hurt and angry and disappointed by his behaviour, and that I felt he was throwing something really good away, and he somehow could not see it. That I still wanted to work things out, but would not feel like that forever and that if he wanted to make it work, he would have to do something quickly.

 

I also told him that if he didn't see a future, that I would prefer not to hear from him, because I couldn't stand one more "I never meant to hurt you, and I'm so sorry this happened, and if it were up to me things would be different". I was tired of hearing that over and over, when in fact, it was and is totally up to him, but he was choosing to do nothing. I knew he wouldn't like the ultimatum, but I wasn't intending to be friends with him, as like you, it was just too hard for me, so I wanted him to step up to it, all or nothing. I figured at that point, I had nothing to lose.

 

I got my answer in the form of silience. But, I got one. It's what I needed to break free. Don't get me wrong, I am still angry, but I have started moving forward now, and trying to get on a with my life and have actually been on one date, and I am chatting with other guys. I can actually finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Just remember that you might hear something you don't want to hear and be prepared. Sometimes, however, we need that "jolt" to get us moving again. I know others will say "don't do it, give him his space" and it isn't for everyone. But if you are looking for closure, you will get it doing this.

[happythoughts]

I agree with Trish that you will definitely get some sort of closure this way!

 

I've emailed you back Foz so you know my thoughts. The only other thing I would say is that don't worry too much about the 'I'll never see him again'. Don't upset yourself with that because I really doubt it is true. And if it is true - maybe in a few years you really won't give a damn!

 

I must have said that ten times over and it can be true, but only if you want it to be. I doubt very much that your ex, knowing what i know, is going to read the letter and that will be it and you will never speak again. So don't concentrate on that - just concentrate on doing what you need to get through this bit.

 

Trish, I agree sometimes that we need the 'jolt' to move on. In your case, it's been my view that that pathetic ex of yours never deserved you and I'm so pleased you have been on a date with somebody else. Sorry to be harsh, but your ex needs to get his [Removed by Moderator] together!

 

If only I could be so harsh about my own ex!

[trishcollins]

Thanks Happythoughts. You are right about my ex, and as I put in my email to him, that I actually feel sorry for him for not being able to see what he is losing, and more importantly, for not being able to get in touch with his own feelings and dealing with the issues that will impact him for the rest of his life.

 

I doubt he was angry at me. He was always so understanding, that I am sure he sees my behaviour as simply frustration and hurt -- oddly enough the same behaviour his own daughter was exhibiting, which he also choose to do nothing about. That in itself is very frustrating. A vicious cycle.

 

Anyway, every situation is different, and as for what Foz decides to do, it is completely up to her. Looking back on my previous breakups, the thought of never seeing someone again is a killer. But to be honest, I haven't given my previous ex a thought in 4 years, and I thought I would die when we broke up, if I never saw him again. As for my current ex, I went through that, but that feeling has now passed. But, I can sure understand it.

 

I am sure if we ran into each other, when enough time has passed, that I will be fine and we will be polite and that will be that. But the possibility of never actually seeing him again is very likely, since we live in completely different ends of town and have no common friends, work or social circles. In a way, it's a blessing. My previous ex and I worked together and had a similar group of friends. It was very hard dealing with him all the time, and it took much longer to get over him.

[Marko]

I am in the same boat.....today is our 5 week anniversery of the break up.

 

She still contacts me, but i refuse to call her, tho it is really hard. Im giving it roughly 6 months.

 

She keeps telling mehow much she misses me, that she really wants me in her life, and the dreaded "who knows what the future has in store).

 

well I know what my future has in store in each of the 2 scenarios and the way I look at it, its a win-win situation. I miss her terribly, but with each day, I grow stronger and more resentful towards her.

 

Either she'll come back, or she won't. Life can still be beautiful either way.

 

but don't get me wrong, its still really f'n hard, especially when i wake up in the morning with her not next to me.

[Foz]

In my nostalgic mood last night I sent j a text cos there was a

program on Bosnia since the war on. The background being we were in Croatia 4years ago and I insisted on driving to Sarajevo. he was scared as he thought there would be loads of unexploded land mines everywhere. Anyway it was a brilliant holiday and we had a cool time there and it was one of our best holidays ever.

 

Anyway sent him a text saying "u watching tv.? program on about Bosnia, v interesting"

and heard nothing till this morning.

"just got your message now, I was asleep in my leaba (Irish for bed, a word I always use) I read a great book when I was away (name of book) you'd love it. how did job rese..."

I sent a text back saying "end of your text was missing as per usual!

saw results of race on net and noticed your name wasn't there, what

happened? "

 

Phone call 5 mins later and he was laughing saying I am the only one

who doesn't get the end of his texts, started telling me all about the

book, the town my mum lives in is mentioned in it so he started saying they were mentioning this pub that i had brought him too and he recognised people i had introduced him to in the book. Said he got back Monday and is back living in his mum's house and has started his new job and is doing 12 hour days, asked me how my interview had gone(job I applied for), told him it had gone well but I

hadn't heard back so I didn't think I was going to get the job.

 

He talked about the race and how disappointed he was that they didn't finish it and I said it was a remarkable achievement anyways and sure he could always go back next year to do it!

He said he flew over Ayers Rock and it reminded him of all my photos of the Australian outback.

Told him I didn't really have any news, just working and going to the gym.

He asked me was I sleeping well, I said I was, he asked was his duvet keeping me warm (the one thing he did leave which I refused to give back to him), I told him I was snug as a bug in a rug!

 

I asked him did he want to meet up, he said he would be "very keen to meet up", he said he was in meetings the next few days and only had Sunday off, I told him I was going to watch the rugby and then go to a concert on Sunday so told him to do his thing and give me a buzz when he was free.

 

So there you go, god I love talking to him, part of me thinks maybe I shouldn't put the friendship being too painful for me bit in the

letter cos I would miss the chats and maybe the more we meet the more he will realise what he is missing out on??

And if i clearly state that there is nothing i would love more than for us to get back together well then surely he will know that maybe friendship wont work without me having to say it!!

I guess i dont really want to say i never want to hear from you again!!

[Mun]

My guess is that you haven't given him the letter. Why don't you write it, for yourself, but keep it and see if he does contact you about getting together. I hope he does because I know you want that, and when you meet try to let him charm you... in other words try not to dominate the conversation this way you won't say too much. Check how you feel in his company and how he reacts to you.

 

Try to stay in the here and now, resist going backwards, do that even on the phone. I think ideally what you want to hear is something like " let's get back together" ...don't know if he is heading this way, but if he is being friendly I would say that is a positive thing. In my experience when someone wants nothing to do with you they will just leave you alone, they won't come back to chit chat on the phone with you.

 

I want to tell you to resist giving him an ultimatum or sending any letter whose intention is to push him into getting back together but instead let him keep coming to you. Let him enjoy your company and remember what it was to be with you. Present yourself in the most positive light. Be charming, sweet and beatiful. Then let him miss your company by not jumping at every phone call ( to call him back immeditely) nor seeing him each and every time he requests it. However, this is your relationship and you do what you must.

 

Hope you can be strong. Stay positive about yourself regardless. You have a good heart and much to offer to the right person.

[Foz]

Hi,

 

Well i couldnt resist the temptation and went into his emails again!

And i don't know why i thought he may possibly want to get back with me cos he is sleeping with every girl he meets from what i can make out. Anyway one girl in particular he is going to go visit in the UK so all the nice chats and flowers on my birthday ect mean nothing!

I feel like such a fool, i thought it meant something but i read the signals all wrong.

Obviously he wants me to think of him as some nice guy and is trying to redeem himself in my eyes but nothing more.

How can he not see that he is playing mind games with me!!

Well i think the letter will have to go as it is, ie i cant be your friend, it is too painful. Although i also think he doesnt deserve such a sweet letter from me.

It has been 6 months now and i am so sick of missing him and loving him. I have rarely got angry and if i did it was only for about 20 minutes and then i would be back upset again.

I just want my life back, the only problem is my life was better when he was part of it so trying to adjust to life without him is really tough.

I just have to let go because i am wasting so much energy on someone who couldnt care less about me...

I just feel like such a fool for reading the signals all wrong, i really thought he may want to get back with me..which is really the furthest thing from his mind..he just wants me to not hate him and be there for him and at the same time he is chasing every girl who smiles at him!!

Sorry about the ranting, i just am so disappointed in myself for falling for his charm and seeing something that was never there to begin with!

[Sli]

Hi Foz,

 

I posted much earlier on your thread... It does take a while to get exes out of your system dont it!!?

 

Anyway don't beat yourself up about it; it's all part of the process. It's only when you call time out, and give yourself the chance to build a life without him in it that you'll finally realise that you can be as happy (happier) than you were before. It's only a matter of time before that trip switch goes in your head and you realise that he's not worth all the emotional energy…has reading his emails again thrown the switch?

 

Once you take him off that pedestal and open your eyes again you'll realise just what you've been missing. Life is happening all around you… a million opportunities, all you need to do is have the courage to let go and reach out for something new.

 

Take care

Sli

[ryan14]

Hi Foz

 

Please don't check his email you're opening your wound, this guy is looking for fillers (looking for someone better than you) let him be, later on he will realize that the grass is not greener on the other side, remember healing is a bumpy road, sometimes you miss them sometimes you don't, what's important here is to heal yourself.

 

good luck

[Foz]

Hi Sli, Hi Ryan,

 

I think i have finally gotten to the stage where i am sick of wanting him back, building my hopes up and being disappointed.

And i think reading his emails gave me that realisation, he doesnt want me back and im just some sort of comfort zone to him that he falls back on whenever it suits him, I am nothing more than that to him.

I have to take him off his pedestal, which is where he is right now and let go and say goodbye as it is so over. he has moved on and i have to just stop reading into him contacting me cos it means nothing.

I will probably still give him the letter but it will be an edited version that says "if all you want is friendship then i cannot do that as it is too painful for me".

And then it is time to put this sorry saga behind me and to stop allowing myself be controlled by thoughts and memories of him. I guess it is a frame of mind that i have to train myself into!!

[Sli]

Hi Foz

 

Just a thought…recently (in a moment of weakness) I typed up a short note to my ex. It was just to say that I didn't want to say goodbye in the way we had and was always there for her blah blah blah…. yuk, weak, pathetic *puppy dog eyes* wimper wimper phuhh!…I never sent it. Anyway a couple of weeks later I read it again when I was in a real quality frame of mind and I just thought what a wuss!

 

And that's just it, the note was written in a moment of weakness, it was motivated by lonely, nostalgic, weak emotion and I was now reading it from a different perspective, one not motivated by heartbreak, and almost certainly the perspective your ex currently has. Get tough girl! Go listen to some Gloria Gaynor…you know…'I will survive' or some Beyonce…'Me, Myself & I' and stop pining after just 1 guy! *said with mock camp tone of voice*

 

Any letter you write that is motivated by negative emotion (even if only to tell him you can't 'just' be friends) no matter how carefully edited will reflect that negative emotional agenda when read. IMHO I would write the letter, but not send it, then wait however long it takes until you're in a really good mood, read it again then ask yourself if you still want to send it…you'll be reading it from his perspective and I bet you don't.

 

Take care

Sli

[Foz]

wow, i got pretty much blanked on the street by J yesterday.

I had no contact from him since the phone call even though he said he would be very keen to meet up and would ring in the next few days.

I sent a text on friday saying i needed him to gather the rest of my stuff-no response!

Then yesterday im walking down Grafton Street and he is walking towards me with a mate of his. He looked like he'd seen a ghost, i waved accross the street and he waved back and walked on. There are 2 million people in Dublin and i happen to bump into him, what are the chances of that?? I half expected him to contact me after that but nothing.

Im confused why the sudden blanking me??

[Marko]

stop contact immiediately.

[trishcollins]

Hey Foz, I thought I was following this thread, but I haven't seen anything in my in box on updates. Just stumbled accross it today.

 

Once again, being about 2 months ahead of you, I understand your frustrations and feelings about be "tired of missing him and wanting him back" and you just want "your life back". I felt like that at Christmas. I had a great life before I met my ex, and I am hoping to go back to that feeling of being happy with myself without him in my life. It's not easy, but it gives me something to strive for.

 

I am finally getting to the stage where I have lost that feeling of dispear and I know I am getting my life back. The weird thing is, it doesn't happen overnight, but gradually. Someone told me, you will really be over the person when you stop thinking about what they are doing on a day to day basis, but just have an occasion thought about them, and nothing more. I used to wonder what he was doing every minute of the day, knowing that he would be at the gym, or working, or making dinner. Now I just think about him in general, not specifics.

 

Anyway, it sounds like your ex is quite happy to continue to be chatty and cheery with you. Why wouldn't he be, afterall, it relieves his guilt. I am sure that he wishes you to be happy too, but from the sounds of it, he has moved on. Time for you to do the same.

[Princess777]

Hey Foz/All,

 

I haven't been around hardly at all due to my separation from my husband (finally) and dealing with many problems of my own, but I couldn't resist reading your update.

 

It has been a long hard road for you. I wish we could all fix things for you to make you happy, you seem like such a sweet person. I just wanted you to know that there are many people who understand what you're going through. I'm glad everyone has kept up the wonderful support for you.

 

I could sit here and tell you fifty times that he's not worth any of the energy you put forth for him, but you aren't going to figure that out until you waste some of it on him and get tired of it. You deserve happiness and you will find it, if it doesn't find you first. One day when you least expect it, a wonderful man will sweep you off your feet and it ain't gonna be J..... he's messed up too many times, been with too many other women for you to ever forget about, and you know too much about what he's been doing since he's been away. He doesn't deserve you and you KNOW it.

 

I wish you happiness and above all, PEACE. If you don't have peace in your life then that's what you need to find. He doesn't add to your life, he only takes away... he doesn't give you peace, and believe me, once he's out of the picture for good you'll start to feel peace and everyone around you will notice.

 

Good luck dear!

[Foz]

Well I met j last night and not surprisingly it was traumatic!

i gave him the letter and i think i said it all. We did our usual chit chat and

that was all fine until he asked me how i was, i then started crying and didnt stop for the next hour. I said it was really hard for me, that i

wanted to be his friend but it wasnt good for me and everytime i met him i ended up upset for days, I said it seemed really easy for him and he said

while he loved meeting up with me he didnt see how it was helping me and that it was easier to be in his position than in mine. He said i would

probably always have a scar. I told him i needed 6 months of not seeing him as i was having difficulty letting go and i was nowhere near where he was.

 

He noticed a scar on my cheek and asked how long that was there, He noticed i was wearing different perfume ( i said i couldnt wear eau de Foz anymore-in joke).

 

As regards why,He said we had different ways of dealing with things and i

carried stress around and that we should have been having the time of our

lives in Mexico but we fought, he said last summer i had started storming

off drunk and it was annoying him and then when we fought in Athens he just didnt want it to go on like that. Again he said he loved living with me but he was in a comfort zone. He said he would probably never get married now with his job taking him away it wasnt the ideal situation for a

relationship. He said he would much prefer to be in a relationship than be

single but he wasnt being fair to me by continuing on and then dumping me when im in my 30's. I said i didnt think i would ever be able to be in a

relationship again as i was too afraid of getting hurt and that i would

probably be 33 before i could think about being in a relationship again so

he hadnt done me any favours by dumping me at 29. i said it was unfair to blame me for the break up and that he should have told me what his doubts were. I said i had been looking over old emails and back in 2001 we had an issue of not talking about what problems we were having because we had so little time together and did not want to spend it arguing or discussing problems. I said that never changed, we never discussed things because we wanted to enjoy our time together and so brushed things under the carpet. I said what would have been fair was to give us a chance in September when he was going to be around for a couple of months and not training. He told me i shouldnt be reading old emails and should delete them as it wasnt helping me. I asked had he burned all letters and photos of me, he said no he still looks at the photo's of our holidays together.

 

I then gave him the letter and said it will probably mean nothing to you but

i want you to know how i feel about you and what you mean to me. He said he did care and our relationship did mean something to him and that i should not forget that.

 

And then i left, he told me to email him and let him know how i was getting on . We hugged and my heart broke because i knew it was the end.

 

I got home 5 minutes later and he rang to say he meant to tell me after the last time we met he went home and listened to One by U2 (as i said that song summed up how i felt) and he cried for the night and he wanted me to know that i didnt disappoint him or leave a bad taste in his mouth and he was so sorry i felt that way about him.

 

Then at 12.30 last night, obviously after reading the letter i got a text

" Im sorry, i miss all those things too. I wish i didnt hurt you but i know i

did. I never wanted to. You have been a special part of my life and that wont change. I hope you can one day understand why i did it the way i did, being cruel was the furthest thing from my mind. Love j."

 

So that's it guys, that is the end of my thread. No happy ending. I held out hope for so long and despite my heartfelt letter, he doesnt want me back. At least i gave it one last shot. Its been 6 long months and you have all been great listeners but its time for me to move on now. So this is the end of the thread.

 

Lots of Love,

 

Foz

[trishcollins]

Oh Foz, I am SO sorry. You had me in tears. I can so relate. It's not that he never loved you. It's not like he doesn't care for you still. It's just that he has decided that he doesn't want a relationship and like my ex, once he made that decision, he simply moved on.

 

It's heartbreaking because I am sure deep down you assumed time apart would make him see what a fool he was being (I was the same). While it is understandable, it's also hard to accept that we have spent so much time in a fantasy world, while they have simply gone one with their lives with no intention of coming back.

 

At least you know he cares and that he didn't mean to hurt you. But, having heard the same thing myself, I know how hard it is to hear him actually say it.

 

I am sending you hugs and good vibes, and know that your are a strong person and you will survive this. This is as low as it gets. From here on it, it can only get better. As I said, I am exactly two months ahead of you, and I can tell you now, once that realization happens, your life turns around much faster.

 

My thoughts and prayers are will you, and you can PM me if you need to talk further,

[Foz]

Well guys as i got a few pm's wondering how i was doing i decided i'd post a quick update!

 

After the last meeting with the ex i was very upset for a few days but i finally accepted it was completely over and there was no getting back together.

 

I had held out hope for so long but it was a false hope and looking back now we never had a chance of getting back together. His mind was made up the day he moved out and there was never going to be any going back from there.

 

But my coping mechanism was to hold out hope because i just couldnt face the awful reality that maybe it was over for good. But the longer it went on the more i realised it was over. But i had to give it one last shot, hence the letter. When there was no response to that i accepted the end of our relationship and found it surprisingly easy to move on especially when i had no contact with him again.

 

When i read back on my previous threads i am so surprised at how much i have come along. I was a complete mess, i could not sleep or eat, my mind was consumed by thoughts of him, at times i thought i was losing my grip on reality and having some sort of breakdown, i did go into a deep depression and i truly thought i would never ever get over him.

But i did, i dont know how but i am now over him and i would not take him back now. He has hurt me too much and i can never forgive him for the way he left me. I idolised him but he shattered all my dreams and i guess i feel indifferent to him now. There will be no friendship either, he hurt me way too much for me to ever even consider being his friend, it just wont happen.

 

Maybe i needed to completely fall apart to be able to pull myself up again. maybe i cried him out of my system or maybe my friends got me through it or maybe it was time or maybe it was a combination of all them things but whatever it was i got through it.

 

I have moved on and i am happy now.Its been 8 months and the first 6 were torture but im doing fine now. I have a whole new life now, new flat, new job, new friends, lots of holidays planned and one thing that came out of all this is i really found out who my friends are...

[eva1218]

Foz,

 

Good for u.

 

Good luck!!

[Mun]

Thanks for the update Foz. I am glad to know you are doing so well.

 

I wish you the best !

[trishcollins]

Foz,

 

I can so relate to how you feel. Our situations are almost identical. I have finally accepted the situation and moved on. It's hard to believe you will ever get past it, but you do eventually.

 

I am so glad you are feeling better. Yes, you sure know who your friends are when these things happen. I sure have some great ones.

 

Good luck and keep in touch,

[Rainz]

I read this thread all the way through from the start....Foz, I can really feel your pain from the start, and all the way through, there is some really good advice in this thread from other posters.

I understand how you felt , being rejected so suddenly. I've experienced a sudden break up, with no explanations no discussing no nothing. I'm feeling much better about things now. I seen through your posts, the different stages of your recovery. Glad to hear that you have picked up and moved on with your life. All the best to you.