happythoughts
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Hiya, I haven't been on these boards for months and months - mainly because I have been fine and haven't felt the need! However, I've got a bit of a dilemma now and I'd like your advice. My ex and I broke up over two years ago - the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. It took me a long, long time to feel better about it and it's only the last 6 months or so that I've been actually interested in other guys. But now it seems that my ex may, sort of, be coming round. He hasn't asked me back but when we see each other he is outrageously flirty and talks about the good times. We go out for one-on-one dinners, stay out until the early hours having fun, although I must stress this isn't very often. He has also told me the whole break up was to do with him and not me, despite the fact he did a virutal character assassination on me at the time (if your ex is doing this, don't believe a word they say). And when I asked him if he regrettedd breaking up, he couldn't actually answer. Thing is, I'm not sure whether we are just nostalgic for what was a good relationship or whether I should bring up the idea of getting back together. I'm not totally sure what I want, that's the problem. I did deeply love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. However, I haven't met anyone else who has made me feel anything like he did. Thing is, I'm not convinced he thinks I am the one and I'm not 100% sure he's the one anymore, despite the fact I think about him a lot and it's obvious he thinks about me. Should I keep moving on or bring up the topic of how he feels? I'm worried that if he starts another serious relationship I will kick myself for not raising the possibility. In a way I think it's his job to broach the subject seeing as he is the one who ruined it. Maybe he's scared too or maybe he has no intention of trying to give it another go. All thoughts welcome!!!
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At the stage where I need help
happythoughts replied to cynical76's topic in Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend Relationships
Hi there, Just hang in there - you are doing really well even if it doesn't feel like it. There's no wonder that you feel like you've had your heart ripped out - seven years is a long time and the fact he's with someone else must hurt like hell. But hang in there - it will get better I promise. And don't worry that you called him - you are going to cave in sometimes, it's just human nature. I caved in lots - always strong on the phone, friendly and bubbly, then would break my heart and sob into a pillow. That was over 18 months ago and things are so much better but I still have my off days. All this pain will become a distant haze I promise but you just have to go thorugh it, painful as it is. There's nothing you can do to speed up the process, just let it wash over you and try and function as best as you can. His relationship with her won't last - it's a rebound. He is basically trying to not think about what just happened with you two. It is impossible not to have feelings after seven years together. If it's any consolation, I have two male friends who ended similar length relationships and jumped into other ones - one of them took two years to get over losing the first girl and the other one is still not over it, four years on. It doesn't matter who they've been sleeping with. Hang in there, allow yourself to cry, you will be okay xxxxx -
YOu are being amazingly strong to say this was all so recent! YOu should be proud of the way you are handling it. Basically, you are so right that you deserve so much better, and a future with a man who wants you and children in it. It can take an awful long time to reconcile this and properly let go, but it is possible (me and Foz have done it, give or take a few setbacks!). Just keep posting, hold your memories in high regard, cry, question and above all keep your dignity.
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by the way superdave I have been on these boards almost as long as you have now!!! What happened with Janet?
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Your story made me fell for you because in a way it is familiar. One thing you absolutely need to do is sit on your hands and not call him. I know it feels impossible, and that your sense of loss and wanting to reason with him is ovewhelming, but you must keep away. He will not forget about you, I promise, but if you keep calling him he is going to see YOU as being the insecure and needy one and it will just push him further and further into her arms. How old are you by the way? If I told you my story I could write a book, but my experience is that these rebound relationships rarely last, He is doing that syndrome of putting his head in the sand about his feelings for you and going to something that is easy. But I honestly don't think it will work, if that is of some comfort to you. Accept that you are dealing not only with the 'break' in the relationship the first time round, but also the lost potential this time round of working it out. It is nothing you have done, believe thatl even though you probably feel like it is. Those feelings of who is to blame will lessen, as will the need to see him face to face. I know you want to see him but he is actually doing you a favour by staying away - he's right that it would be too hard. And I promise that he won't forget you - it's been 18 months for me and my ex hasn't forgotten about me despite being with someone else and that going wrong as well. Hold your head up and be strong, and try not to think about him and her together. You will get through this!
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Should I get in touch with my ex?
happythoughts replied to Tryingtobestrong's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Hi trying, I have read all these posts and I am so glad that you have come to that conclusion. From what you said, it seems like you do, in your life, want marriage and children. So what is the point in wasting another two or three years on this guy only for him to leave again? It would be a waste of time and so I'm glad you had your epiphany! Honestly, so many people, my brothers included, meet a person and decide within six months or a year or whatever that that is the woman/man for them. There is no guessing, there is no backing off because of 'pressure'...it just works. You owe it to yourself to find that person who knows what he wants - because he is out there. I am holding out for the same. Good luck, you sound fantastic! -
Jesus, I don't usually visit this site anymore but I saw your post and felt compelled to write. Look, you have got all of this way out of hand - you guys were split up and so she was actually a free agent to do what she wanted. It's not nice for you to think of him and her but he fact is she wants to be with you! And she's showing you that day in day out - it's about you, you, you. She wants you. Please don't destroy this second chance at what sounds like a completely salvageable relationship. Don't drive her away. Work on building your relationship and trust that it's you she wants. Personally, I think she has far more reason to be upset that you went to see a hooker than you do with her. But if she can get past the fact you did that, then YOU can definitely get past this. best of luck.
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Hello, Jesus this is such a tough one. Firstly, I can absolutely guarantee that he has not forgotten you. He is just doing the only thing he knows how - to throw himself into somebody else's arms to ease the pain. Everybody knows somebody who has had a rebound relationhsip to try and forget - but they never work. My ex did the same and it's only now, 15 months after our break-up, that it's hit him. It took that long! Honestly, you just have to try and keep yourself together, don't call him, and I guarantee that if you leave it long enough he will get in touch, Meanwhile try not to think about this new girl at all, she is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. You just have to try your best to move on and cope, it's really hard but you have to. He has let you down badly (my ex did crazy things too) but I believe you when you say he was good to you and a wonderful boyfriend. Just let him do his thing and who knows what the future holds. You may, like me, not care very much once enough time has passed. Good luck
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I think you should sit on it a few weeks, write it all down for yourself, and then talk to him if you still feel the same. Personally, I had to get closure - and it made me feel a lot better. There's nothing wrong with it if you think it will help you move on
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I think this is a really tough one. I know one of the reasons my last relationship ended was because I pushed the 'L' thing too hard and couldn't rest until I had a pledge of commitment. But then it's better it ended really - because who wants to go on for years thinking they are not really loved? If I were you I would set your own deadline in your head for when he should be saying I love you, eg another 4 to 6 months. During that time do everything you can NOT TO PUSH HIM on it - people who are pressured just end up further and further away (as I found). Let him feel he can express himself freely and with openess and I bet you will be surprised when he comes running. But if after the deadline he has not said the words or expressed further commitment, ask him how he feels. If the response is not good, end it and move on to someone who loves you with all their heart.
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If I were you I would leave it until she contacts you. I am speaking from experience. I told my ex all the ways I could fix what happened and blamed myself - and all he did was agree. If anything, it hardened his resolve. Give her room to breathe and if she hasn't contacted you in a few weeks then call her then. But don't call her while you are feeling very emotional. Also, feelings emerge over time. At first, everything is so raw that it is hard to think. I promise you that her feelings will not diminish in just a few weeks, even though you might be worried she will move on and forget you. Better to let everything calm down, I wish I had! Even though you think you have all the answers, they truly do see it as a bit of desperation.
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Does he feel guilty for dumping me?
happythoughts replied to moonunit's topic in Getting Back Together
hello, I have read your story with interest and I really feel for you. It's so hard and you sound so sad. I would recommend keeping up the light contact but only if you can handle it. It could take him months to realise what he's lost - so don't do all the initiating. Let him wonder what you are up to and try, no matter how hard it is, to throw yourself into lots of acitivites and see lots of your friends. The deep, deep pain does pass with time but if he is ever going to come back, that will also take time. I'm pretty fine now - 14 months on - but my ex told me last week that us breaking up as well as a whole bunch of other stuff, had only just hit him. weird! Good luck and try and be nice to yourself -
Please help me i am completely broken hearted
happythoughts replied to Foz's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Hurrah for Foz I say! And for anyone else reading this who thinks they will never get over their ex - you will! I too am fine and happy with myself and I NEVER thought I would be. It's been about 13 months for me - so quite a long time - but it took me at least 10 months to start feeling a lot better. Now I am happy scouting around loking at cute men and I don't think about my ex anywhere near as much. I agree with Foz that giving yourself goals and happiness in your life is really important. I have thrown myself into a million things and feel totaly content with being on my own - it will happen to you too, it just takes time. Looking back, I wish I had done more NC because I just kept on hurting myself. But I am happy to say that my ex and I see each other every few months and we are genuinely happy to see each other. It has not always been easy but I am okay with him in my life now and glad I didn't cut him out of it forever. It was torturous at times and I thought I was going mad but time has healed me, I'm not in love with him anymore, but will always care about him very much. It just takes time for the raw edge of pain to go away - but it does go, I promise. Foz and I have taken different approaches since the break-up, both of which I think are valid. I have decided to keep in touch and have had to forgive the idiot for a lot of things, wheras Foz has decided he doesn't deserve to be her friend - which he doesn't! The fool! Good luck to everyone going through this -
How to show you've really changed
happythoughts replied to luciddreamer's topic in Getting Back Together
I don't know about this one - it's tough. For a start, I wouldn't keep blaming yourself. It takes two people to break up and although the dumpee always goes through this massive regret stage and cycle of self-loathing, there were issues from his side too (like you mentioned). I've been there - hating myself, desperate for a chance, wanitng to prove I have changed etc etc. It's only now I can see we both contributed to it. It's good to show him you want to work it out but don't keep going on and on. I've read a lot which says the more you beg the more repulsed they are, and I genuinely think that's true. I would be very wary of flying over there - when men do it it's seen as romantic but it looks desperate from a woman who is crying and sad! I think you'd be much better giving him a bit of space, doing NC, and seeing if he will open up to you after a little while. His feelings for you will NOT disappear overnight - no matter what he says. It's over a year for me and I can honestly say the feelings are there on both sides still - less intense yes, but fonder even with the passage of time. We're not together and I don't want to be anymore but the worst thing I did was try and force contact in those initial months. Send me a PM with your email address and I'll email you something that might help -
My boyfriend has gone back to his ex.
happythoughts replied to Walla12's topic in Getting Back Together
Hello, Just wanted to chuck my two cents in. My ex broke up with me and went back to his ex from quite a few years ago. She had been pestering him while we had been together (I didn't know this) and he had always loved her in the past. Anyway, I was left devastated but determined to get on with my life (after many relapses). It didn't work out between them after several months which made me releived but he doesn't want me back (and I don't want him now - yippee!). but all I'm saying is that you don't necessarily have to DO anything about the current situation because they will possibly (and hopefully) mess it up for themselves. My ex was also confused because I know he had massive feelings for me - but still left. Just keep moving forwards and who knows, maybe he will realise his mistake. It's over a year for me now and I honestly don't really mind what he's up to now he's single. It's funny, but the pain (and there was a lot) has just gone now. Just be strong, act like its over, and let their situation unfold as it will with no interference from you. If I could have my time again I would not have been half as nice to him as I was - I would have done much more NC than I ever managed to do!