Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[Foz]

Thanks Guys,

 

One thing i must say is the advice and encouragement and kind words i found on this forum really helped me!!

 

At times i was repeating myself over and over again but people kept on giving me advice and supporting me and that was invaluable so when i mention my friends getting me through the past 8 months that includes all you guys.

 

And for anyone who does not believe they will get through it, just read my initial postings and you will see that i was at rock bottom and genuinely believed i would never get over him but i did. I really thought i was going to feel that despair and lonelines forever but now i feel fine, yes he crosses my mind sometimes but i dont feel that aching pain anymore. When i think about him all i feel now is how much he hurt me and how i deserve a hell of alot better than someone who could treat me like that.

 

It gets better believe me!!

 

Lots of love,

 

Foz

[Hope75]

Hi Foz!

 

Just wanted to drop a quick line and congratulate you for how far you have come, I remember when I was rock bottom and I first came here almost 6 months ago and you and so many others gave me support and advice.

 

I am sorry your ex didn't come back, but it really sounds like you have found your happy ending without him.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Hope

[happythoughts]

Hurrah for Foz I say!

 

And for anyone else reading this who thinks they will never get over their ex - you will!

 

I too am fine and happy with myself and I NEVER thought I would be. It's been about 13 months for me - so quite a long time - but it took me at least 10 months to start feeling a lot better. Now I am happy scouting around loking at cute men and I don't think about my ex anywhere near as much. I agree with Foz that giving yourself goals and happiness in your life is really important. I have thrown myself into a million things and feel totaly content with being on my own - it will happen to you too, it just takes time.

 

Looking back, I wish I had done more NC because I just kept on hurting myself. But I am happy to say that my ex and I see each other every few months and we are genuinely happy to see each other.

 

It has not always been easy but I am okay with him in my life now and glad I didn't cut him out of it forever.

 

It was torturous at times and I thought I was going mad but time has healed me, I'm not in love with him anymore, but will always care about him very much.

 

It just takes time for the raw edge of pain to go away - but it does go, I promise.

 

Foz and I have taken different approaches since the break-up, both of which I think are valid. I have decided to keep in touch and have had to forgive the idiot for a lot of things, wheras Foz has decided he doesn't deserve to be her friend - which he doesn't! The fool!

 

Good luck to everyone going through this

[Foz]

Well guess what that sorry excuse for an ex texted me last night,

"hi, just saw noeleen (crazy ex flatmate who stole my notes during my exams) and she looks as scary as ever, how are you keeping?? J"

So like I fool I responded " Did you not stop and say hello??"

His response " No, heard you have a new job, how is that going?? Toby and Murray got engaged but not to each other!!"

My response " heard that about Toby, so you and Stephen must be the only non betrothed guys left in the gang! New job great, best move I ever made!"

His response"Where is your new job?? Has Billy got married yet and how was it?, Heard you did a triathlon, how was it"

My response " new job in Merrion square! Was in Donegal this past week for Billy's wedding, brilliant fun, brilliant place, brilliant surfing going surfing again with Nicki in a few weeks! Pulled hamstring during triathlon so didn't finish it!"

His response " Wow, wish I could spend as much time kitesurfing, am away 90% of the time with my new job.Did you go to U2, I didn't get to go this time?, How was snowboarding?"

My Response " yeah myself and Nicki went to U2, sound wasn't great!, Snowboarding was great i was whizzing down the mountain after a couple of days"

 

End of contact!! Aaargh, I hope he doesn't think we are friends now, I just wanted him to know I am great fun and he was a fool for dumping me!!

 

I really hope that fool doesn't think he is forgiven or anything!! Well he probably does because i responded to him-DOH!!

 

Was doing fine these past 4 months with no contact and after me asking him to leave me alone he breaks it!

I have been meeting alot of his friends out and about, hence why he knows so much about me. I never even mention him to his friends. maybe he just got curious and wanted to know what was going on with me...

I dont know, in one way im kinda glad i still pop into his head and on the other hand i wish i hadnt heard from him as i was beginning not to care if i ever heard from him again or not!

 

Dont get me wrong im not upset or anything but i never talked about him anymore and have even been dating again and then out of the blue he gets in contact!!!

[Wimpy]

Hey Foz

 

Don't beat yourself up - what's done is done. Hindsight, being wise after the event etc etc are all great after the event aren't they!!!!

 

Try not to over-analyse why he did it, what he said, what he's thinking...just move on.

 

I'm only 14 weeks into my break-up and it's still tough. If you're interested then look it up but don't worry if not.

 

Focus on all the positive aspects of what's going on in your life, turn around for a second and see where you WERE and how far you've now come....this isn't a problem and hey after all who the hell cares what he thinks about you/you responding etc etc. We never can get inside their heads. (just as well probably as I don't think it'd be a nice place!)

 

Have a great weekend....

[Foz]

Next day i get a text wanting to know did i want to meet up with him for a drink, mid august as he is away till then.

What i need advice on is, should i meet him or not??

Since this contact he is on my mind again. Dont get me wrong, im not upset or anything,he is just playing on my mind and i guess im remembering all the hurt and pain he caused me and thinking how cruel and cowardly he was when we broke up. Part of me wants to show him how fine i am now and part of me wants to tell him he did me a favour as im much better off without a selfish, control freak boyfriend who has huge capacity to be nasty and cruel.

I guess my point is, it is nearly a year now and i guess im curious but if all it is going to do is bring up anger and bitterness am i better off not meeting him or will i always want to remind him of how much he hurt me. i think i am capable of telling him what is going on in my life etc but when it would get to the subject of us i think it would just bring all the hurt back to the surface and i would get angry about everything!

But i am curious about meeting him, given that by August it will be nearly a year since we broke up and i guess another part of me wants to show him i am strong and he did not destroy me and i am not the crying mess he saw last march. I guess i want to show him i am over him and i have moved on!!

So what do you guys think??

[Hope75]

Hi Foz,

 

I think when you no longer care what he thinks, and don't feel you need or want to show or prove anything to him, is when you will truly be moved on.

 

This guy really hurt you, why would you even want to see him? You've spent so much time getting over him,. do you really think it would be a good idea to set yourself back by meeting him for a drink?

 

I'm not trying to be mean; I just think it's a bad idea and don't really see a point to seeing him at all.

 

I know you are curious, but in this case, given all you have been through, don't you think it might be better to let sleeping dogs lie?

[Mun]

I think that if you feel strong enough to face him and not break down like you had done before then follow your heart and meet with him. It might be just what you need to close the door on that chapter of your life--or it could serve to remind him what he let go.

 

This kinda reminds me of something that happened with my sister. She had been with her bf through college and while he was in law school. After he graduated he landed a job with a good law firm and decided my sis was no longer good enough for him so he dumped her. She was crushed and about 2 years went by --he was living in California--before he was back in New York. He called to invite her out one night to a party. She was curious so she went. She made sure she looked stunning. She says he had gained about 30 lbs and aged years beyond his actual age. Seeing him brought back painful memories and she realized she had moved on. He probably thought my sis would be falling over herself to hook him again, meanwhile his friends were hitting on her at the party. She left early and never looked back.

 

She has a really cool bf now.

 

Good luck Foz!

[SexySadie7]

Hi Foz.. i have been reading your posts since September, and I must say you've come far girl.

It stinks for the guy to just bail out on you with no warning.. I am in the same boat too.

 

I was dating this guy for awhile too and one day.. he just quit calling... didn't really seem to want to see me anymore and wouldn't return my phone calls! I should of just forgotten about him, but I really liked him and I was crushed and wanted answers too. I wanted to see him one last time (he was going to travel for business too and would be gone for a month or more) and invited him out for an event.

We went, and I must say.. he didn't act like the same guy I used to know. When I first met him he was incredibly friendly, sweet, good-natured, kind, gentlemanly.. but now... he was acting very cold, insensitive, a bit manipulative... very flirty toward other women in the place we went to. All the while he hardly paid me any attention at all and I was the one who invited him. He also made several very insensitive remarks to me throughout the evening. It was like the date from Haides!! lol

I suppose in hindsight I was stupid I know.. but after that night he loaned me some CDs. I guess I sort of wanted to borrow them too, besides being a reminder of the music event we went to, it was my way of having an excuse to contact him again. I called him one day a few weeks later to return the CDs as I was going to be driving near his house on the way to school.

 

I found out his phone line had been disconnected. He just left town without even calling to say goodbye!! I was shocked and so hurt... as we had been good friends before his sudden icyness and talked daily before he just changed suddenly.

 

The next time I talked to him on the phone he said he wasn't going to be coming home ever!! I was so shocked and sad.... I thought my world would just collapse.

 

So.. I know well the feeling of no closure... and the why, why why questions left in our heads b/c the man can't be a man enough to just break up with us in an upfront and decent manner. It leaves us feelings so confused and it is a tremendous blow to our egos and our self-esteem Foz.

 

Like your bf, mine too just couldn't handle the commitment thing.... he had been in a long term relationship before we met and his heart had gotten broken..... perhaps in too many pieces, as he was very guarded as to not let it happen again. He just changed overnight too and it was so hard to fathom why. We never quarelled, but I knew he had alot of emotional issues.

 

Anyway.. I'm glad you moved on. My problem is now I'm going to be moving to a town very near where I think he lives. Maybe he's moved, I don't know. It's not to be near him mind you.

 

But I've received a job offer there and have worked there before and really like the area and the opportunities there and my jobs where I live now are just dwindling and dwindling.. to the point where I'm just having trouble making ends meet.

 

Also there are very few opportunities for me socially or economically here where he used to live so I know I need to get out of here. The town where I'll be moving too, has a very large city within an hour's drive and another really big city about 3 hours away, and a really good educational system. I've been thinking of going back to school for awhile and the program I'd like to get into up there is first rate... so I know I'll make friends there more quickly. I'm a very friendly person, but I don't have many friends here now as most of my friends are married or have moved away.

 

Me and my ex-bf haven't spoken in months and months.... this September too, it will be a year. I wish I got a chance to tell him how I felt about how he treated me. It was horrible and I can't see wanting to put someone through that, no matter how hurt you are. At least you were strong enough person to not involve another person in a heartache they didn't ask for by not sleeping around to try to dissolve your pain.

He too, slept around right after we split up, like 2 days after! It was awful cuz I was afraid I might be pregnant at the time. I made all nice nice the last time I talked to him because I wanted him to still like me.

 

I just feel that to hate your ex-lover is a not a good thing. I don't know.. hating someone takes so much energy, and we did share some incredible times.

Anyway.. if I see him in town.. I wonder how I should act.... should I be friendly, or just ignore him?

 

I'm afraid we are going to be running into each other... even though it's a large town, because we share alot of similar interests in music, outdoor events, animals, camping. I can just see myself keep bumping into him time after time when I go out to enjoy some outdoor event or a local music venue.

 

 

I too, felt like the way he acted towards me in the end, sucked all the joy out of my life. I used to be very happy person. It took me months of crying and drowning my sorrows to even start functioning.

 

I am not sure if you should go see him for that drink if you still feel bitter.

Yeah, I can understand you want him to see you are doing fine, that's an ego thing and totally understandable and probably good for you.. What about sending him a letter & photo of you happy and smiling in your new digs?

 

I'm not sure if I saw my ex-bf I make an idiot of myself now... and that is another thing that disturbs me. What do you do if you see your ex-bf with another girl? I am afraid I would definitely lose it...... or hopefully, by this time maybe I won't. I don't know.

 

Sadly, I still think of him daily (arrghh), but don't hardly cry over him much anymore... although I do get sad too, when I think of the careless way he threw our relationship and our friendship away. I'm not really sure either, if I would want to be friends with him anymore : (, Foz.... because I think the way he split up with me possibly shows alot of negative things about his character... that perhaps he's a selfish, inconsiderate person.

 

I know he was just going through alot of heavy emotional stuff but still he could of talked to me about it, he talked to me about alot of other really personal things. Maybe he was scared, like your ex-bf..... but I want a friend who will stick up for what's right.

I don't think what my ex-bf did was right.... and I guess you don't think that the way your ex-bf split up with you was right either...

What do you think I should do if I run into him?

[Foz]

Hi Sadie,

 

Sorry for not getting back to you until now, i guess my answer is if you are comfortable seeing your ex and not full of anger and resentment, stop and say hello but if you are not ready, wave and walk on and dont look back. That probably doesnt sound like much of a help but i think meeting with an ex depends on our frame of mind and where we are in the healing process. I think if we are truly over them it is a piece of cake, otherwise it is hard and can bring back all the feelings of hurt and rejection.. i hope that makes sense!!

 

 

As for my upto date situation:

Since j has been back in contact i have been very angry and annoyed. I had been doing so well and now that he has contacted me again he is going around and around in my head.

i am composing text messages to him and in my head and imagining conversations with him and they all go along the lines of " after all the hurt and pain you caused me, why do you possibly think we could be friends, you wouldnt have treated a friend the way you treated me, so you thereforeeee dont deserve to have me as a friend..."

I guess he has stirred up alot of the hurt and pain he caused me and it is making me angry.

The truth is he doesnt deserve a second of my time after the way he treated me and i shouldnt give it to him..

I asked a friend of mine was he seeing someone and he is and has been for the past 7 months or so, so i dont really know why he wants to meet me. To tell me how happy he is with her?? I dont really need to hear that now do i??

I just wish he had never contacted me and left me be, it was completely selfish of him and here i am now thinking about him again and he isnt giving me a second thought because he is with his girlfriend and thinks of her now!!

Part of me wanted to meet him and show him how well i was doing but now i know i will just launch into an attack of how badly he treated me and how cruel he was in the way he broke up with me and how easy it was for him to just walk out and never look back and how hard it was for me etc!! and probably launch a scathing attack on his charecter etc so i guess i kind of have my answer there, i should not meet him it will be pointless because i have had the above conversation before as you all well know and i have sat there in tears and he just doesnt say anything and i end upset for weeks and he goes back to his life and girlfriend!!

 

The thing is should i send a text/email along the lines of " you would not have treated a friend the way you treated me so what makes you think we can be friends, you caused me more hurt and pain than you can only imagine because you just walked out and never looked back so you never saw the devestation you caused. you have not exactly fallen over yourself apologising for your actions or ever even tried to make it good so you dont deserve to have me as a friend..if you have any shred of decency i would be obliged if you could return the rest of my stuff that you swiped while you were clearing out the contents of the flat while i was away on a business trip. Regards.."

 

yes?? no??

or should it be modified??

 

God i cant believe i am back here again, going on about him again!!

I am so annoyed at him!!

[Hope75]

Hi Foz,

 

I am so sosrry this has been such a set back in your life. Sometimes the exes can be cruel and have seemingly impeccable timing.

 

Since you have decided against launching a scathing attack on your exes' character, I think your text needs to be modified. You want to handle this with dignity and class, right? Show him with as few words as possible that you are moved on and can't be bothered by him, right?

 

How about something as simple as: Dear X, I am not interested in being your friend.

 

Regards, Foz.

 

It says very little but your message is loud and clear.

 

Hang in there Foz. You have been very strong and you will get through this too.

 

Hope

[Mun]

If you know that you absolutely will never want him again in your life and that you can't ( or don't want to) even have a civil conversation with him then I think you should just not contact him at all. Let things be and move on.

 

He knows how you feel about the break up. He knows how much he hurt you and that you are offended by his actions. What will bringing this up one more time resolve? Will it make you feel any better? probably not.

 

Take the high road and just don't bother replying so as not to be the nasty/jaded ex gf--you are better than that.

[caveat]

Hi Foz,

 

Great to hear from you again, albeit under these circumstances. I remember your situation very well and I am not at all surprised that your ex is poking his head into your life to see whats going on. How you handle his surprise appearance (i.e. whether you speak with or meet with him....or not) is a decision that you need to make on your own, and needs to be one that you can be comfortable with living with down the line. That being said, I'm happy to share my 2 cents....

 

One line from a couple of your recent updates really stood out:

The truth is he doesnt deserve a second of my time after the way he treated me and i shouldnt give it to him.

When you reduce it all down to one line you can't put it much more simply than that, can you?

 

This guy walked out of your life with his tail between his legs without even having the decency or b*lls to sit down and talk to you about what he was considering. I know you have a lot of thoughts and emotions swirling around in your head, but I want you to think back to the moment when you walked into your home and realized that he had packed up all his things and left. Remember how that felt? Remember how you couldn't believe how someone could do something so callous to someone that they supposedly loved (and had professed that love only weeks before)?

 

Its been a year, yes, but in the grand scheme of things thats not a lot of time for a person to effect a level of change that would dispel any notion of his ability to do something similar in the future. Even if he spent the past year alone, reflecting on what went wrong I would doubt if he would have had adequate time to really change, but given that he has been in a relationship for the past 7 months I'm even more skeptical of the possibility that he has changed into someone who is not capable of repeating such behavior.

 

He hit a point in his/your relationship where he wasn't totally content and what did he do? He RAN. You don't need that kind of person in your life. There are plenty of men out there who will speak from the heart and will live up to their words. I fear that if you go another round with this guy you are only delaying meeting that person and opening yourself up to the potential of more heartache which will in turn impact your ability (and timeline) to get into a truly rewarding relationship.

 

So my practical advice/recommendation? Don't meet with him. Don't reply to him with anything other than a polite, "thank you, but no thank you". You don't need the opportunity to show him how well you are doing. You and the people who count already know. And you don't need the opportunity to tell him whats on your mind and what a cowardly thing it was that he did. It will only show him that its still effecting you.

 

You don't need further disruption from him. You have taken control over your life and things are now starting to really click for you. Don't let him impede this progress. Give it more time...there is no reason why you should allow him to control the timeline of when (and if) you ever decide to speak with or meet with him again, and frankly, based on your most recent posts, I don't think you are ready.

 

Keep up the great work and keep living life.

 

Cheers,

Caveat

[SexySadie7]

Foz.... well.. as luck will have it.. he's been in my area for many months now....! Another lie emerges!! : ( I'm speechless.... I'm disgusted.. but this is just par for the course with this guy I'm afraid...

Well... parts of your speech are good.. If you are really wanting your stuff back I would say this:

" you would not have treated a friend the way you treated me so what makes you think we can be friends. If you have any shred of decency I would be obliged if you could return the rest of my stuff that you swiped while you were clearing out the contents of the flat while i was away on a business trip. Regards.."

 

That way.. you can keep your dignity.. you make it clear you think he's still scum.. and you can hopefully get your stuff back...

I don't know, Foz.. I just not sure it serves any purpose for you to tell him how much pain he's caused.... I wouldn't give him the satisfaction myself.. though I know full well. how much you'd like to dear... believe me!!! But really.. these are cold hearted, inconsiderate guys.... I'm not sure either your ex or my ex would really care..although i think they do know deep in their hearts... I would like to really think they would... but they are basically cowards and only SEEM to care about themselves.

You take care.. you are doing great girl... much better than me.. well.. at least the daily crying fests have stopped.. That's a good thing i think! : )

[Foz]

17 months later!!!

 

well over xmas and the new year, i got a few texts from the ex again, all friendly hi foz, happy xmas, hope you are enjoying the Caribbean. ( i was there on holidays, i told him this at our last meeting in September) then happy new year foz, cu 2006. Then the day of my birthday, happy birthday foz, hope you have a great day!!

So how do it make me feel??

On the one hand, i was kind of pleased he still thought about me and on the other hand it made me sad cos it means nothing really, he has been seeing somoene for a year now so the texts are just him trying to redeem himself in my eyes (see im not such a bad guy, i send texts at xmas and your birthday).

I guess i still care cos im kind of bitter that he moved on with his life and jumped into another relationship so fast and it has lasted, although it is a LDR.

Maybe i wouldnt care as much if i had the same luck and was in a loving relationship but im not. That never came my way or maybe i didnt let it come my way. I guess its easier for me to be on my own than risk going through heartache again..or maybe im just not ready yet!!

Although it was the worst of times, i have come out of it and i have my confidence back and i have had some great laughs and done a good bit of travelling and had a few dates even. Its been tough but i learnt alot about myself, i survived even though i thought i wouldnt although alot of the hurt still remains. Maybe there will always be a certain amount of hurt but what did he think was going to happen given the way he left me!! There is a lot to be said for breaking up with someone in a kind way!!

Anyway that is the update.

p.s he still hasnt given me my stuff back, maybe in 2006, if i meet him that is!!

[pablovblack]

This has just helped me very much thank you.

[beebee]

what a fascinating thread!... sorry i came so late into the story... i havent made my bed, washed my dishes, etc etc because i became so engrossed in your story and the responses that i couldnt stop reading!... lol... anyway... the one thing i wanted to say other then "good for you foz... your doing well and God bless", was

 

"a man is not judged by his entrance, but by his exit"...

[Wimpy]

"a man is not judged by his entrance, but by his exit"...

 

What a great quote - applying it to my personal situation it fits pretty well!!!

[Foz]

So yeah it has been over 2 years since we broke up now. 3 months later he started dating someone else and is now living with her, since they moved in together i have not heard from him.

The anger never left me and i guess to some extent the hurt never left me either...2 years on and im still single unless you call 3 weeks of dating over a year ago a relationship.

Im not pining for him anymore, i just never want to be hurt like that again and i guess to a certain extent i cant move on....

[stunned]

Foz,

 

I feel for you and understand your trust issues. I'm in a very similar situation, but my ex didn't tell me she was leaving, she just left in secret (after living together almost 7 years). Tomorrow marks the second week that she's been gone. Yesterday, I finally calmed down enough to begin to accept that I need to shift my focus from worrying about my ex to worrying about and helping myself.

 

One thing that I think I need to do for myself, and it may help any trust issues I could have in future, is to get some counseling for depression. I want to nip this in the bud early so I know how to minimize any lingering depression.

 

I retired outside a small town in the northern Rocky Mountains. I don't have a lot of counseling options nearby, but have found a trained, licensed therapist who offers an online course on eliminating depression, in which you have one-on-one interaction with the therapist. I'm going to give it a try. I need to do this for me. I need to feel whole again, which means I need to learn to pamper and take care of myself. Hopefully, when I feel good about being by myself again I will be able to take a risk and trust/love someone again. However, that will be well in to the future. For now, my focus will be on myself and moving forward.

[Foz]

And as if on cue, he texted last night to wish me a happy new year and suggested meeting up cos it has been so long and like an absolute fool, i will go running to him!! I have not seen him in 14 months, he phoned me in April and nothing until last night...of course i know i shouldnt go to meet him but maybe i really need to let him know how much he hurt me and how i cant move on and then maybe he will just stop contacting me out of the blue and messing with my head again!!

[Pisces_Princess]

I read the whole of your post when I first found this site.

 

My situation now is like yours then!!!

 

What makes me afraid is that this guy casts such a huge shadow over your life even though it has been some time now since the break-up.

 

If you meet what do you want to say? What do you think he will say?

 

xxx

[Foz]

i dont know, i will probably go on about how much he hurt me and how ic ant move on, in the hope that it makes him feel bad about how he handled everything...

and he will probably go on about how he wanted a clean break and me to be under no illusions so that is why he did it the way he did it...

and i will then probably cry for a week and beat myself up for being nice to him......but i just cant help it...you are right he does cast a huge shadow over my life 2 and a half years later!!!

[Wimpy]

FOZ

 

DON'T GO

 

Please don't go - it will be a big mistake. Why give him the power to hurt you all over again? Be strong. He's contacting you and messing with your head because, to a certain degree, you are allowing him.

 

I've read all your posts along the way.

 

I totally relate to the thing about being single and not trusting anyone not to hurt me like that again. My situation is different but the end result was the same.

 

I have, however moved on and apart from a fleeting thought to the ex I don't bother about him. He tried to explain why he ended things the way he did in an e-mail in July 2005. I never responded...the power that gave me has sustained me over the darkest of times. It was the last communication I ever had with him and I ignored it.

 

It's a bit like a game of tennis but now the ball's in my court and I will never put it back into his. He doesn't deserve it.

 

Please don't put yourself through the heartache and misery. Change your phone, your number whatever but don't go.

 

As you might have realised, I'm against you going (just in case you hadn't worked that out lol)

[Foz]

oh god, why do I do it to myself, against all better judgement I met him last night and as usual I ended up in tears in front of him....he has so moved on, it was all Sharon and I did this and that..stuff that we were meant to have done together and it all got too much for me and I broke down in tears...as usual he didn't know what to do or say and came out with some patronising crap of how he had gone through the same before he met me and it was always going to be hard until I met someone else and I basically said it is kind of hard to meet someone when you are 32 as everyone is already paired off and then he was like you have a lot to offer and I said not to you I didn't and I don't know why I met him cos once again I feel like crap and I don't know why it still hurts after 2 years and 4 months!!!

 

I guess the answer here is, i should never have met him, it does me no good, and i just end up in tears and upset and back a few steps again!!