Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[Foz]

i guess i must have been lonely or something but i rang him last night.

i think after the friendly chat last wednesday i started to miss him more and i just wanted to talk to him. he asked how i was i said i wasnt good, i said i didnt know what to do, it hurt hearing from him and it hurt not hearing from him, i said i really enjoyed catching up with him the other night but i fell apart afterwards because it made me realise what i was missing out on and what i couldnt have. he said in the short term he thought it wasnt a good idea to be friends because it wasnt fair on me, i said i kinda knew that but at the same time when i didnt hear from him i was wondering was he ok and what was he doing. i said that i was finding it really hard and i just missed him so much, i asked him did he miss me and he said of course he did but he didnt regret his decision.

i said i resented the way he left me and he said there was no easy way to break up. I said im sure you could have thought of a nicer way.I said you are remembered by the way you left and he said that that is why he came over the next day so i wouldnt think he had just left me like that..He said he left like that because he had made his decision and he didnt want to discuss it. he said it ended because athens brought up all the self doubt that he had had after mexico and he just knew he didnt want to take it to the next level, ie get married, and that while he would have been hhappy to live with me for another year or more that would have been disingenuous to me..

He doesnt regret the 3.5 years and thinks im a great person, he just didnt want to take it to the next level..

he said he wished he could help me but he couldnt because he was the cause of the problem and he was sorry. He said i would feel like this for a while and acknowledged that it was easier for him because he was the one who made the decision. He said there was nothing he could say that would make all this go away. i just had to go through it..

 

And that was the conversation..dont know why i did it, i still have no answers, well not the ones i wanted anyway..

i guess this is it, he doesnt want me back and that is obvious, the friendly phone call last wednesday made no difference..there is no point anymore..

Maybe i do have answers he doesnt ever want me back and there is no point staying friends because it will only hurt me more.

well only thing is i tried and now he is gone but maybe not without some sense of guilt for what he did to me..i know i shouldnt want him to feel guilty but i do, he has hurt me beyond description and at the moment i hope he does feel like crap for doing that to me..

[trishcollins]

Foz, I am sorry you had to go t hrough that again. Sometimes though, we need to be hit by a brick before we get the message they aren't coming back. I am getting close to that point with my current "ex", and I remember my previous breakup, it was about the same point (five months) before the reality hit me that he was moving on and had no intention of coming back, and it was like I was back to square one all over again. I know I am about to go through that again, and find myself sobbing and more upset than I was even a month ago. I think that for the first few months we still have hope, no matter what they say, but after a period of time, it just seems pointless.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. I know how frustrating it is, because even when they tell you things about why they broke up and they seem to be reasonable answers, you still question whether or not there is more to it. I guess ultimately we are looking for some tangible reason we can then fix and make it all better. However, I think deep down there is just nothing we can do when someone else has a change of heart about us.

 

Even in my situation, where my ex was still saying he still loved me up to a few weeks ago (it's now been 5 weeks of NC), I question the entire relationship, because he might still love me, but not enough to make it work. So, naturally, I am questioning everything I did and said to understand why, and I keep coming back to one simple conclusion. There is nothing I could have done, said or changed that would have made any difference. Once someone makes up there mind it's over, there is nothing we can do but try to walk away with some pride and dignity.

 

My heart goes out to you Foz. No one should have to go through this.

[icme]

I am sorry foz. At least you know as much as you ever will. I think that's the point isn't it ? that when it comes down to it, no explanation ever really satisfies, because in many cases (as in yours and mine) its just something no one can put their finger on – that sense of "not being the one for them".

 

Painful as this is, its better to know it now, so you can find it with someone else, than to find out in 2 years or worse still, to actually be in a marriage with that person that doesn't fulfil.

 

I think this is really your turning point, not the nc before, not the conversation last week, but now. This is when you have to bite the bullet and now deal with the sadness of it so you can get over it. I really do think that nc is the way for you now – it will not do you any favours to keep in touch. You have to not reach out in those moments when you feel so sad. Its so weird and almost wrong to think that this person is now out of your life, but only when you really act and believe that this is so, do you move on with your own life.

 

I know how hard this is, really I do and I find it so hard not to dwell on all the good things about a relationship (to feel my life was better then, than now) and not to feel slightly bitter about how I was treated, just as you do.. But, as I've said before, you never ever get the contrition you deserve or want. The only solution to all of this heartache is to move on and put him behind you.

 

Good things will be ahead for you

 

 

ps - that enormous urge to speak to him, will hit you again, i had it really badly just last week (and i made up excuses to myself why i should contact and it wasn't just because i was missing her). deal with it however you think best, but personally, i think it fades if you hold out - whereas giving in can only make you feel worse.

[Mun]

Foz,

I am so sorry for this pain you are in. I know how it goes and there is really nothing the other person can say that will soothe it.

 

I hope that knowing now how he feels about this will inspire you to move forward without looking back. You deserve as much.

 

Remind yourself that you have a great career and you have a great life. If he did not want to be with you then it is his loss. You will make it through and you will be stronger for next time. You are a good person with a sweet heart. You are going to survive this.

 

keep your chin up Foz.

[Foz]

Once someone makes up there mind it's over, there is nothing we can do but try to walk away with some pride and dignity.

 

yeah i think i kinda appear to him like i handled it with grace and dignity, i only rang him once (last night) since we broke up, the 2 other calls were initiated by him as was the meeting..

of course the truth is i have been acting like a slightly deranged person what with checking his emails and the like!!

 

Its so weird and almost wrong to think that this person is now out of your life, but only when you really act and believe that this is so, do you move on with your own life.

yup ICME he is gone, and its hard but as trish said above, hard and all as it is for me, once someone makes up their mind that it is over, there is nothing we can do or say to change that. i tried but his mind was made up some 9 weeks ago and all the calls and the meeting did not mean what i thought it meant, deep down i knew that he wasn't ever coming back, i guess i just didnt want to believe it.

but now it is time to move on with my life...hard and all that that is, it is so over and i have no hope left..

well i do have some hope but it doesnt involve the ex, it involves someone that i havent yet met!!

[trishcollins]

it involves someone that i havent yet met!!

 

That's the right attitude Foz.

[icme]

spot on Foz!!

 

little by little... we will all get there. no option but to keep on keeping on.

 

and at some point, like i said in a post to you a while back, there is someone you will have all those special things with again. Who knows.. could be even better this time round.

[zveric]

It is really rough when we talk to them again, even if it goes well. It sounds like you were really honest with him, without losing your composure, which is really hard. I could not do it. I said I was fine.

 

You should be proud of how far you've come, that you can even talk to him and keep it together. I don't think you did anything wrong. I don't think of NC as a hard and fast rule.

I saw my ex at one wedding and one funeral (her father's) this month.

neither was easy.

 

Keep posting.

Eric

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

I'm sure he does feel guilty, very guilty for everything. I think you did the right thing in calling him though and being totally upfront about how you were feeling - how you missed him. It wasn't weak of you - you sound like you handled it so well. So many of us here have done the 'I'm fine' approach to get through but it really does just cover up feelings. I also think they know you so well they don't actually think you ARE alright.

 

You have to look at how strong you are being. I know you don't feel it right now but you have achieved this: 1) accepting it's over, which is such a hard thing 2) you relaise that being friends just prolongs the pain 3) you were honest with him, no mind games.

 

Every one of those things I (and many others on here) haven't done but it takes MUCH more courage to be like you! Trish has adopted a similar attitude to you and I think she's better off for it.

 

I can understand how you feel desperately lonely in a world where all your friends are in couples. Lots of people here do too, hence why this forum is so god-damned full.

 

But it does get better, I promise. You are just a few months into this and it stil feels like a rollercoaster - some days you feel fine, others you're collapsing. But the journey does get more on the straight and narrow. You have such a big heart and you will meet somebody else.

 

The way I think about my ex now is this...better that it happened now than when I'm 34 or 35 and wanting to have children. In a way the ex's have set us free from a life where they didn't love us 100%, so that we can truly find that with somebody else.

 

It helps to think that in the long run this might be good for us. Imagine if you go on now to meet a wonderful, loving partner who loves you to death and it's so amazing, you're on cloud nine. You will be glad this happened.

 

I know you just want your ex right now because you miss him, still love him and the happy thoughts are still in your mind all the time (no pun intended), but it could actually be for the best in the long run.

 

That's the way I've taken to viewing it and it feels a much better world when you look at it this way!

 

Big hugs xxxx

[taylorb]

Awesome post happythoughts. You are 100% right. I need to adopt that attitude too.

 

Foz, the guy I'm dealing with can't decide between me and his ex. She is 36 years old. And I know that she wants to have kids right now. All I can say is thank God I'm not in her position. I would hate to be tooled around like she obviously is letting do.

[Foz]

well i woke up at 5am and couldnt get back to sleep and i was cursing the ex cos he was just going around and around in my head.

The thing is, i probably will have thoughts of him for a while to come yet but even in 9 weeks they have changed from i cant/dont want to live without him to it is SO over and i have no choice but to move on.

 

That is the thing i have no choice, his mind is made up and there is no going back, in a way could i ever have taken him back given what he did to me?? id probably always have had doubts and we would have fallen apart again! anyway it is irrelevant now. It is over, the end.

 

it is tough and what annoys me is he wont apologise for the way he broke up with me, i think he has tried to convince himself that moving out while i was away on a business trip was actually the best way to do it but then again its easy for him to convince himself of that cos he wasnt the one who came home from a business trip to find that his partner had cleared out the apartment and didnt want to be in the relationship anymore-sorry about the rant but there is still anger in me!!

 

And i hate the way i have become so cynical, when i see a couple kissing at a bus stop, i just think ha you may be happy now but be careful, it might not last..

 

Anyway i have my closure now and i believe there has to be better things in store for me!!

 

Happythoughts, did your ex contact you on your birthday??

[icme]

I think he took the cowards route no doubt. Couldn't face a horrible day where you'd both be crying and him packing and stuff – wouldn't have been nice, so he took the easier route. Part of that might be knowing that if you'd both talked it out, he might have stayed (but for how long??) , when deep down he wanted to split – so he was taking precautions against his own weakness..

 

I think if he'd done it another way, there'd be things about it that would bother you just as much – I think our feeling of anger and trauma at the whole thing just expresses itself in this way. The amount of times I've thought, yes, but if only she'd done this instead of that, it wouldn't have made me feel this, or she wouldn't have been so heartless.. and so on..

 

if he'd sat you down and talked instead of packing first, you'd now be saying, "how could he do that the moment I walked back from a business trip??" if he'd waited a month or two, you'd say, "he's a total ***, doing it right before xmas!!" And if he'd been really sweet about it, it would have taken you ages to convince yourself he wanted to split, and you'd have driven yourself mad about his true intentions. You've had a nasty sharp shock, but would a long drawn out one be better for you? This might help you get over it even quicker.

 

Bottom line - there's never a good time or way for it to happen – its always total crap!

 

i wanted an apology too - but like i said, you never get any contrition or guilt - they just move on. if they cared that much about our feelings, they wouldn't be crapping on you in the first place??!!

 

I wouldn't worry about the anger – it does no harm. Your comment about being cynical made me laugh.. when I split up a friend said to me, you will come to hate seeing other couples. I didn't know what he meant until I noticed that every single time I turned round a couple were gazing into each others eyes kissing.. and I had exactly the same thought as you!! Its natural and it won't last.

 

Give it another two months – you'll still be sad and even sadder at certain moments, but it will be a world away from how you're feeling now.

[Foz]

i see the point you are trying to make ICME but there is a great post some pages back which says "you are remembered by your exit, if you leave with dignity and grace then you wont have any regrets".

I resent the way he did it and no one can convince me otherwise that there was a nicer way.

[trishcollins]

"you are remembered by your exit, if you leave with dignity and grace then you wont have any regrets".

 

I think that applies to the dumpee, not the dumper. (I think I actually said it). I don't see how anyone can dump you with grace or dignity, although doing it in private I suppose is better than a public humilation.

 

I resent the way he did it and no one can convince me otherwise that there was a nicer way.

 

In my case, I was lying in bed next to him, having trouble sleeping. I knew something wasn't right, as his daughter had been insulting me all weekend and he seemed like a broken man. I started crying and the next thing you know he is saying "this is going to work and you and I both know it". It caught me completely off-guard. I knew we needed to discuss the situation, I just didn't think he would end the relationship without any discussion on how we woud proceed with the situation.

 

So, I got out of bed and started threwing things into my bag to go home. He didn't want me to leave, but to wait until the morning. He was worried the kids would hear, and I was so angry I was yelling at him for being selfish and not taking action to help his daughter, and not thinking that moving into a new relationship so soon after his wife's death would not effect his kids, and then when it did, choosing to do nothing about it. And making promises to live together and get married and spend our lives together.

 

He just stood there looking at me, a complete stranger. I finally gathered my stuff and left in the middle of the night, yelling out "you will regret this" when I left. I never said anything derrogatory about him or the children, and even though he kept saying he loved me, he really felt (and still feels) there was nothing he could do to fix it, so he just let me leave. I was sure his tune would change the next day, but it didn't. Not only that, but when we talked he told me that he didn't want "anyone waiting around" unti he worked through the issues with his kids. I was devastated to say the least.

 

Even though it was probably the most dignified way to break up with someone, it still hurt like mad to have this man who is supposed to love me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, just let me walk out the door and not make an effort. I keep thinking that although he says he loves me, it wasn't enough to make him work at it.

 

Of course, I am happy in the knowledge that I said everything he needed to hear, without getting personal (attacking the behaviour and NOT the person), but in the end, it didn't really matter. And at least I can look back and know I still have my grace and dignity, especially as I went back two weeks later and talked to his kids to let them know it wasn't their fault and that they needed to be a family now, and I couldn't be part of that right now, but maybe in the future. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and everyone was in tears, but I am glad I did it.

 

I worked really hard, and I am still working hard at NOT letting my emotions get the better of me and to do anything stupid like calling and screaming at him in the middle of the night. I know it won't change anything, and it will just alienate him from me even further.

 

Anyway, the point is, I don't think there is a way to breakup with someone that is dignified or graceful. Heck, I got dumped over the phone on my birthday once. How's that for undignified

[Foz]

i'm sorry but i just cant accept that there wasnt a nicer way of dumping me, i would never do what he did to another human being and i just wont accept that there wasnt a nicer way. i in fact resent the whole way he acted in the week up to the break up, the going out for dinner, the making me dinner, the wedding we were at, having sex with me knowing the minute i headed off on my business trip he was was going to start packing, the sweet text messages and phone calls while i was on my business trip and he was in the process of moving out, i resent it all and nothing will change my mind..he did what was easy for him and yes ICME i do agree that had i talked him out of it he would have left at some other stage anyway, his mind was made up.

He Couldn’t face a horrible day where you’d both be crying and him packing and stuff – wouldn’t have been nice, so he took the easier route. Part of that might be knowing that if you’d both talked it out, he might have stayed (but for how long??) , when deep down he wanted to split – so he was taking precautions against his own weakness

 

 

Wow Trish, i never knew how he broke up with you, again not nice and maybe i judge people by my standards but there is no way i would let someone who was dreadfully upset walk out of the house in the middle of the night and drive home..

it was very big of you to talk to the kids, i couldnt have done that, i would probably have blamed them for the break up cos it would be easier to blame them than him (for me that is)..

 

I still think the quote refers to Dumpers and in all fairness if your ex had sat you down and talked to you rather than saying it while you were in bed and then just letting you leave while you were dreadfully upset, maybe you would have alot more respect for him..

 

Or maybe im the only one that thinks like this, maybe i judge others by what i would have done..

I'm just fed up today and sick of all the crap i've been through in the last 10 weeks or so, i just want my life back and i'm sick of thoughts about my ex that just wont disappear..did you ever see that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, where they erase all memories of your ex from your mind, i wish i could do that cos im just sick of him being in my thoughts all the time...

[Princess777]

It's difficult to say whether or not there is a "good" way to break up with someone, or a respectful way. Let's face it, no matter how he did it, you'd still be just as hurt. And really, even if he were a real jerk or even if he were really nice about it, the pain is still there and it would cut just as deep. In fact, it may be even easier to let go if he is a jerk because it helps your natural defenses kick in and be mad at him.

 

I've had to break up with guys in the past and there is no easy way. I would try the nice approach only to not be taken seriously. The only way I've found that really works is to be firm. Unfortunately it's not something that anyone can do and get out of being liked. I am so sorry that you are still struggling, Foz. I know that sometimes just understanding the other person's reasons and their thinking helps you cope. So try to put yourself in his shoes and take into account everything he's been through and done in his life and hopefully that will help you feel better and not take it so personally. I know it's hard and I know it hurts. I hope you can let him go soon for your own health.

[trishcollins]

i in fact resent the whole way he acted in the week up to the break up, the going out for dinner, the making me dinner, the wedding we were at, having sex with me knowing the minute i headed off on my business trip he was was going to start packing, the sweet text messages and phone calls while i was on my business trip and he was in the process of moving out.

 

I have to admitt, that is pretty slimey. Especially if he was planning it. I find that guys (sorry to generalize here) usually do stupid things to annoy you, until you are forced to confront them and then they make the big announcement.

 

I knew in my case, something was up, and there was so many stressful things going on, I chalked his mood up to that. He was in the process of moving from one house to another (moved that weekend), trying to sell his other house (the potential buyers were on again off again and he needed the sale to be confirmed for the bank), he had just settled the hospital lawsuit (wrongful death of his wife) so those memories were being revisited, and his daughter started making noises about not wanting me near the new house -- so the tension was already high at his place, and he had been a bit distant for weeks -- I just assumed it was all the stress, and once settled in, we would have that talk with his daughter and sort things out.

 

We made love on Friday afternoon and again Friday night, after helping him move all day on Sat, he took me out to dinner Sat night, and Sun night, just hours before it happened, we made a wonderful dinner together, opened a nice bottle of wine and toasted to the new house, then went for a long walk in the new neighbourhood holding hands. It wasn't until his daughter came home and was up to her usual tricks (insulting me and ignoring me at the same time), that I announced I was going to bed early -- I had had my quota of insults for they day. When he came up an hour later, I knew something had changed. He just seem "broken" that's the only word I can use to describe it. He shuffled into the bed, barely acknowledged me, and curled up on the far side of the bed -- as far away from me as he could get. I have NEVER seen him do that before. And the rest, you know.

 

He didn't want me to go, in fact he insisted I stay, but I told him there was no point staying if I was going to have to go through it all again in the morning. And to be honest, I really thought that the next day, he would ring me and apologize and all would be right with the world again. More the fool am I.

 

Anyway, almost 5 months later, I am feeling much stronger and even starting to think about dating agian (in a few months), and the tables are turning, as I find myself feeling sorry for him for walking away from me, and how he is really messed up and needs to sort stuff out, but seems to be stuck. You can't help people that don't want to be helped, and I feel I have done everything I couild. He lost a good person when I walked out the door, and I know one day, he will understand just what a mistake he made. Where I will be at the point is anyone's guess. But these last few weeks have made me see things a bit clearer and he is no longer the "saint" I keep painting him to be. Don't get me wrong, he was very good to me, and I certainly was empathic to his situation, but many decisions about our life were made arbitrarily and without discussion, and I know that would be an issue if he ever came back. Something we would both have to work on.

 

Anyway, I am sorry we are all going through this. It's not fair to anyone. The worst part I find, is once you accept it's over, you still have them running around in your head all the time. But, I know as each day ends, the thoughts get less and less, and soon, we they will just be a nice memory, and nothing more.

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

My ex behaved pretty similarly as yours int he time up to the break up.... and then broke up with me over the phone.

 

I will never forget it as it seemed so wrong but I almost understand his reasons for doing it that way now.

 

He was abolutely heartbroken on the phone and refused to see me in case it 'confused him further'.

 

In fact it took him three months to actually see me again once we'd broken up - he simply didn't seem to be able to handle it before then.

 

The thing is I take a strange comfort in all that - some might say (and I did) it's not at all decent but to me now it shows how strong his feelings were. As you know, he spent ages coming to his decision, and in the end it seemed like he'd finally decided we couldn't be together and had to 'stick' to it. There was no talking to him.

 

Anyway, all I mean by this is that because your ex did something that seems so callous, it doesn't mean he didn't have very true feelings for you.

I think he was probably concerned you would change his mind because part of him wanted to stay. It seems to me he knew if he moved out when you were away there would be no going back, and he wanted to prevent having his mind changed.

 

No, the ex didn't call on my b-day and I still haven't had bloody 'closure'! I feel less fussed now but still have bad days.

 

You are getting there Foz even though your head is full of him night and day. But the continuous thinking does get less I promise.

 

A friend of mine put it so well: It's like wading through treacle....

 

You just have to keep going x

[Foz]

So i have made a major decision..

I am going to move out of the Apartment, its a pretty big move but i think it is me accepting that it is over and leaving that part of my life behind and moving on.

I will be sad to leave the place but there are too many memories there and im lonely on my own..so im going to get an apartment with some new people and hopefully widen my social circle as well!!

So just thought id share that bit of progress with you!!

[happythoughts]

Good move,

 

Living with other people is most often a lot more fun! Also you don't want to be haunted by him being all around.

 

Good for you Foz

[Mun]

Foz you are on your way to healing. I can tell. I hope that everything turns around for you now. You deserve it.

 

Keep being strong, you have come a long way now girl.

 

Love

[trishcollins]

I am going to move out of the Apartment, its a pretty big move but i think it is me accepting that it is over and leaving that part of my life behind and moving on.

 

Foz, it sounds like a good idea. Starting fresh in a new place. It is a positive move (pardon the pun) and will certainly go a long way in helping you right now. It will give you something to focus on and work towards and keep you busy, and then before you know it, you will be feeling better. Go out and buy some new furniture, and do the place up the way "you" want it to be.

 

I know it's a tough road, and I am not that far in front of you. Fortunately for me, my "ex" and I never got to the living together stage, and it's almost a blessing now. I love my place (200 year old log home, 40 acres, great horse area) and was going to sell it an move to his end of town into a place we bought together (he bought and I was going to buy half when my place sold). The place we bought was more for location (for him and the kids) and needed a lot of work both inside the house and outside to accommodate my horses. There was no barn or fences and we spent all the prevous summer clearing the propoerty. It was exhausting work and I am sure it took it's toll on our relationship.

 

I truly believe that all things happen for a reason, and that I still have my house today because the timing of our relationship was all wrong. When we bought this house together in April 2003, we put our respective houses up for sale, with plans to move into "our" house at the end of August last year. My "ex" had sold his place within two weeks and it was to close at the end of Aug 2003. My place was taking longer, because the house was small and it's a specialized property, but towards the end of July 2003 (3 weeks before I was scheduled to move into "our" house), a couple put an offer in on my place and I was not happy with it. I countered on the Wed and gave them until the following Monday to accept. On Friday morning, they called and said they had decided to look around more and were withdrawing their offer.

 

I hadn't had a chance to call my "ex" yet to tell him, when the phone rang. It was my"ex" who said he had been up all night "crunching numbers" and that he felt that it might be better if we sold this new place he just bought and he would move in with me. He felt that the money we would be investing in the place would be tied up for years, and that financially, it just made more sense to put an addition on my place and move in with me. And financially it did, as I paid very little for my place, and with only a small investment, it would easily accommodate all of us.

 

It was what I wanted all along, but with all the logistics (the kids, their schools, their jobs and friends), it never made any sense. Of course, it wasn't until later that same day that he revealed the "interim plan", which included him moving into a place in the 'burbs closer to the kids' schools, until they were ready to be on their own, and then he would move in with me -- with or without his son, who really liked being around me, but was very attached to that end of town.

 

Naturally, I was disappointed that it meant waiting another 2 years to be together, but I figured it would be worth it in the end. I figured his daughter would be happier if she could be in a house she helped pick out and where she would be 5 mins from her boyfriend's place. And I was prepared to accept it as "their house", where I was a guest and she had total control over things like decorating, etc. I really thought she would start to come around and it would work to our advantage. So, I was supportive of the idea.

 

Because his original house was sold, they still had to move into "our" house, and then stuck a "for sale" sign on the lawn. His daughter made no secret of how much she hated the house and continually blamed me for having to live there until it was finally sold. It took a long time to sell (8 months before he got an offer and then the sale was always on the verge of jumping the rails) and so they basically lived there right up until the day we broke up. We moved on the Sat and on the Sun night he declared that our relationship "just wasn't going to work".

 

Although my "ex" won't admit it, I know it was at that point that he called me about selling our house, all the way back in August of last year, that he started to realize he was over his head. And although he told me it would be 2 years before he could move (when his daugther graduated college and his son graduated high school), by Christmas last year it was up to 3-5 years as he said he felt his daughter (who was in her second year of a three year college course), might want to go on to university and get her business degree, and that he said he felt that she would want to continue to live at home until she was done school. I chalked this new information up to the fact that it was Christmas and his daughter missing her mom, and treating me badly, and he was feeling guilty. So, I let it go, thinking, it won't really be 3-5 years, but why fight it.

 

I figured with all the stuff going on, once things settled down and she was hit her early twenties, she would want to be on her own anyway, and get her own place, perhaps with her boyfriend. Money was not an issue, she had the some inheritance from an aunt, and she also was about to come into a settlement from the hospital lawsuit. She had a car that was paid for and a good part-time job. I thought I would just patiently wait it out and once she was happy in a new house that I had nothing to do with, she would forget all about the situation and get her own apartment.

 

I also figured his son, once he had his driver's license and graduated from highschool, would be fine living in my place (he loves the country and we get along really well), as long as he could drive to see his friends 40 mins away. Again, with the lawsuit settlement, a vehicle was not a problem.

 

Anyway, I am sure for my "ex" the prospect of another 3-5 years of back and forth communiting, along with his daughter's rebellious behaviour towards me, and his ever increasing guilt about not making anyone happy, was underlying the decision to breakup in June. Looking back now, I can see many things he did and said that clarify the decision he made. Little things like saying (in reference to our discussing the situatuion with his daughter) "we will resolve this issue one way or another" or "we won't be having this converstation a year from now, I can tell you that" or (in reference to his son wanted to build a shed on my property -- to which I had no objections) "I wouldn't worry about it, that won't be an issue in the future" or (in reference to his daughter announcing she did not want me at the new house) "if I weren't in a relationship, I wouldn't be in one for a long time".

 

In the end however, I still have my home and although I miss him, this was never "his" home, so I don't have the same attachment. Had it been "his home", I am positive he would still be here now. He did help me rennovated my bathroom and guest room, so those memories are still there, but otherswise, now that I have removed the photos and gifts he gave me, it's back to being "my" place.

 

The ony probelm I have is the bedroom furiture, which we bought together. I have the bed and it really upsets me to think about ever being with someone else in that bed. I may have to sell it, or at some point, I may ask him if he wants it back. I love the bed, and would hate to sell it at a loss, or have to buy another one. However, when we decided to move in together, I sold my gorgeous wrought iron headboard and footboard, and was left with a boxspring and mattress on the floor -- for what was supposed to be only a few weeks until I moved in with him.

 

When he decided that I wouldn't move in with them, and we discovered the staircase in our house would not accommodate a queensize boxspring, the new bed came to my house. I told him why bother setting it up at our house, then at the interim house, then at my house. In the meantime, I got him another headboard and footboard that took the queensize mattress without a boxspring, and he has that now. I am sure he regrets the entire situation, but he has made his bed (once again, pardon the pun), so he will have to lie in it.

 

Anyway, all that to say, sometimes things all work out the way they are meant to, and no matter what anyone says "if it is meant to be, it will be, otherwise, it doesn't matter what you do, it's just becomes a waste of time and energy".

[Foz]

its his birthday tomorrow, how ironic that that will be the last day i spend in the apartment we once shared together.

I dont know is it the moving out that is upsetting me or the fact that it is his birthday and it makes me reflect on things we did on previous birthdays. Or maybe its Christmas and New year coming up..

Unfortunately i still miss him and preferred my life 6 months ago to this crap existence!!

Some people say i had a lucky escape and that i am now free to do whatever i want to do. So why do i feel so bad if that is the case??

This really knocked me for 6, the pain is still there and i still cry and i still miss him, well not the person he has now become but the person i was in a relationship with.

I still think back on his words, "its not that im afraid of commitment, i would love to settle down and have kids, just not with you".. God how horrible is that to hear?? When did he develop such a cruel streak??

Ive heard rumours that he has "a girlfriend of convenience" now, his friends words not mine!! And it is upsetting to think that now he actually has a girlfriend, no more one night stands but a girlfriend?? Obviously i mean nothing to him now..maybe i never did, its hard to look back with any kind of fondness when i think about the way he left and the cruel things he said..maybe i was always someone he was never going to marry and that was why it was so easy for him to leave, move on and get a new girlfriend.

I dont know, i just doubt the relationship now..but miss him at the same time, which i know makes no sense. Im also angry at him for leaving me thinking that i was made a fool of for 3.5 years and that the relationship was obviously some kind of joke to him!!

Anyway that is the update guys!!

new apartment on Saturday and no birthday card or present for J tomorrow!!

[Princess777]

Foz,

I haven't been around the board much lately but saw your update. I can only imagine how hard it must be to hear his words about not wanting to do those things with you. You're right, that is an extreme remark.... perhaps he felt that if he were that blunt, you would learn to accept it better than hanging onto false hope? Doesn't it just suck when the ones we love won't give us what we want? It is very, very difficult to allow others to do as they wish when it does not involve us and accept that when we are so in love with them.

 

I am glad to hear you're moving out, I think this is the beginning of a great new life for you. No, don't send him anything for his b-day... it's not necessary.

 

As hard as it is, focus on FOZ. Good luck girl!!!

[Mun]

Foz,

Somebody that could tell you something like that after almost 4 years. You don't need him !

 

He missed out because you seem like a truly caring, intelligent woman. Some other lucky guy is going to appreciate all you have to give. I know this is no consolation now, but one day you will see it too.

 

Good luck with the new place and the new chapter in your life. Take good care of yourself and good things will come your way.

 

We are still here if you need us.

 

Love