Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[Foz]

thank you happy thoughts and thank you for having talked to your male friends and giving me the male perspective! it is weird that men go out "scoring" in order to get over a relationship. I never thought that J was that type of guy but obviously he is!

I think this will give me the strength to move on and at least snap out of sadness and depression.

It is just so sad that 3.5 years together ended like this.

[princesa]

Foz,

 

I'm so sorry...remember I wrote earlier that I had read my ex's mails and found out about him sleeping around. I know how you feel...you just don't want to believe it but now you just can't deny.

I like your plans and new determination! Go on, you can do it and eventually you WILL find a new guy that'll hopely love you and be more consecuent.

 

Good luck, Princesa

[Foz]

thanks Princesa,

i looked over your last posting and in a way i wish i had taken your advice and never gone near his email again because now i wouldnt feel like such a fool but i did and now i just have to accept reality. It hurts because he is acting like the 3.5 years that we were together meant nothing to him.

it is just so damn unfair that he is being like this without a care in the world for me..i feel like a fool, i feel like the past 3.5 years are a joke to him, i feel like i never meant anything to him..i will never understand how the person i thought the world of turned into this uncaring, cruel and heartless person.

It is so unfair, I deserve better than this..

[ryan14]

Foz

 

i think a girl like you deserve someone better, sometimes i wish i have a way to check her email and see what she's up to, and maybe i would find something that would make me angry and move on.

 

keep moving forward foz , dont break NC like me, you're doing great, i'm sorry if i dont have much to say and help, i feel low as of the moment.

[Foz]

just a thought but if i had stayed in contact with my ex and was thereforeeee present in his mind, do you still think he would be off with all these girls??

 

It really bugs me that he has moved on so fast and i am nothing to him anymore..

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

there is no right or wrong way to do this. Keeping in contact or not keeping in contact - both can lead to pain.

 

I decided to keep in contact and in some ways I wish I hadn't - it has been painful and sometimes I think if I hadn't kept in contact he would have come to me and then I would have known he was thinking of me. NC also gives them space to yearn for and miss you.

 

The pros of contact were that I needed to rectify the view he had of me. I was so distraught and crying when we broke up that I needed him to see me as strong again and fine - all the things he found attractive in the first place. I'm also very proud and didn't want to go completely to pieces in front of him.

 

At first, i really wanted him back and thought being like this would help. He hasn't come back (we're not communicating at the mo) but the pro is that I know he has respect for me and doesn't just see me as weak and pathetic, and that's very important for my recovery. I think he's almost surprised by my strength.

 

Your guy might be too if you come off as strong. Him going with other girls is because he's hiding his feelings but also because it's probably easy and more comfortable for him to think you are at home crying. That way he can feel guilt and pity - which give him more control and stop him feeling his own feelings (it's not conscious on his part, but feeling sorry for somebody else disguises your own feelings). You being strong and in control takes that comfort away from him - no man likes to think you are fine and dandy without him.

 

You still have lots of choices - you can call him if you want to. Prob best to keep away from relationship talk if you do, it's too soon.

[Foz]

well the last time he saw me 4 weeks ago i was crying my eyes out in front of him and he did say he felt guilty for leaving me like that.

im sure he is surprised that i have not contacted him though cos its not in my nature to leave things be and not contact him.

I just dont understand his Casanova attitude, i didnt think he was like that. its kind of pathetic but also hurtful. he is going to NZ in february and im pretty sure now that he has made contact with that girl in Oz again, he will stop off and visit her.

Im not really too sure what the hell i want to do. Im angry that he has got all these girls that he is bragging about and im also angry that he doesnt care anymore. its been 4 weeks since he contacted me and in them 4 weeks he's been screwing around without a thought or mention of me..

maybe this is it and this is how it will stay and he will never contact me again..And if i did meet him i dont think i could trust myself not to let slip what i know about all these girls he's been with and all the girls he has been mailing...Im just in disbelief that this is the guy i was with for over 3 years...

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

This person he is being now is not the same person you went out with. Don't torture yourself by thinking you didn't really know him or you got your relationship all wrong. You didn't. I have no doubt he loved you very much. The way he is behaving now is not a reflection of who he was when you were together.

 

The person he is now is somebody who can't handle his feelings and doesn't know what to do with them. That much is obvious from the way he never told you fully about how he felt about your problems. He ran away rather than try and confront them but this is not your fault.

 

He is running away now, as so many do, and if anything is trying to replace the comfort of you with wild flings and all that stuff. He needs attention to cover up his pain and he's seeking it out.

 

I firmly believe this - I've seen it many times and had it verified by idiot boys who couldn't believe they'd actually done that once the dust had settled. They said it took their mind off it. I know that sounds unbelievable to us women who go through every morsel of pain, but men seem to deal with this stuff later on, especially if they dumped you.

 

Saying this doesn't help you or help you move on. I am amazed and have huge respect for you that you haven't contacted him. Keep it up. Your silence will kill him more than you being on the phone all the time. He hasn't forgotten you - he's just going through self-induced amnesia.

 

He's a fool

[anon728]

Foz, I would not contact him...your absense shows your strength. Besides, why do you need for him to see you strong? Honestly, I think in the back of your mind, you want contact, want him to see you strong, so you can get back together. I feel the same way about my ex gf that you do about yours, but you know what, I'm glad I'm not around to see it first hand.

[Foz]

ANON-you are glad you not around to see what first hand??

 

HAPPY THOUGHTS- You are so wise and your words always cheer me up!!

[anon728]

Foz, I am glad I am not around to see her enjoying her new relationship. I realize your situation is a little different, since mine jumped into an exclusive relationship within a week or so of us breaking up, but I was trying to provide a different point of view than happythoughts.

[Foz]

feeling a bit panicky today, i feel like i cant cope with the enormity of what has happened me.

I came home last night and there was post there for j and it just upset me. it was a reminder that he moved out and doesnt want to be with me anymore and it just hurt.

Also the fact that he is off with other women hurts and the fact that he doesnt contact me hurts!

God he left me in a right mess!!

[icme]

I know that feeling. Like not believing it all over again. Think of it like this, every time you have one of those horrible realisations like seeing the post, its one more of those moments out the way. You will have hundreds (songs, foods, places, there's no end to it!!!) and there is no avoiding them. But each one you take on the chin, is one more you won't have to deal with going forward.

 

I've said this before and I am only starting to see it myself now – everything you feel is so raw and you can hardly imagine ever not feeling like this – and for me, the sensation that I was trapped in this awful mess that she left me in is one of the worst things. Its not enough they rejected you, they've left you up **** creek while they seem to go about life pretty ok.

 

But you won't be like this for long – the rawness, that desperate, panicky feeling will subside. And then it all becomes more manageable.

 

All rationalisation aside, forgetting the what if I'd done this or that, or why did this happen, the only, I repeat only thing that works is time. Foz, you can't see it yet, but keep doing exactly as you have been (except for the checking emails bit), maintain no contact and I promise you will get to the light at the end of the tunnel. i used to get so upset about the fact that there had been no attempt to contact me. i used to think all day - how can she be so heartless? but your mind gets to a point where you just accept it, you just think well, **** them, there's nothing i can do about it. and you say to yourself, well, life can be crap. look at other people on here - so many horror stories. you never get the revenge, contrition or whatever it is you want to call it, from them. they treat you badly - that's what happens in break ups. and you never get to say your piece or make them see how they screwed up. its unfair, so unfair. the only answer is to sort yourself out. that's all the answer you need.

 

This means nothing to you (because it meant nothing to me when people said it), but you will see how time dulls the pain just enough to a point where you can start to rebuild yourself.

 

When that happens, you'll still be a wicked girl, whilst he'll be an idiot. You can't ask for more than that.

 

just get through today.. and take it from there.

 

[happythoughts]

Bless icme - he is so right!

 

It's nice to have such profound wisdom coming from a guy as well - because us girls can tie ourselves in knots!

 

Foz, I totally understand what you are going through. That panicky feeling is the worst because it's your body's way of denying that this has happened. I used to find that I would feel panciky and on edge - almost like I was having a panic attack and I'd accompany this with wanting to scream. I would feel absolutely driven to distraction - walking around the flat feeling so demented, wanting to call him, go over there, scream, whatever.

 

It is the worst, worst feeling and compounded by the fact he hasn't contacted you. It feels like rejection upon rejection.

 

But you are doing so well and icme is right when he says these feelings will get less and less. God knows how you've managed to do NC but I admire you for it!

 

I'd quite like yours and icme's input on my situation if that's okay - closure. I am mostly fine these days and life has got much better (coming up to the seven month mark). I still think about him every day and still cry from time to time (mostly at night before sleep)....but I'm thinking how to get closure.

 

For seven months I have kept my mouth shut on us, been all sweet and ligth whenever I've seen him. But I know there are things I still want to say, reasons I still need to hear from him. I feel a bit stuck because I need a closure conversation to move on.

 

I'm not worried about it hurting me or him saying something terrible - I feel prepared that that might happen. It's more that I feel I have things to say - things I want him to hear.

 

None of this is an attempt to change his mind, I feel very accepting of the fact it's over and I'm okay about that. But I kept my mouth shut on my views for seven months - and I feel it's my right to still be able to say what I think about the breakup.

 

the problem is he never gave real reasons - just needing to be on his own, needing to go through this part alone. I was also living away at the time so we were doing LDR, which he said had a massive effect. It could be lies, it could be true, it doesn't matter. But I want him to hear what I have to say so i can walk away knowing I've said my piece.

 

What do you guys reckon?

[Foz]

it has been 7 months so i think you have every right to say how you feel.

But be prepared for it and have somewhere to go and someone to talk to after the chat..

[Princess777]

Foz I am really sorry for you. Please stop reading his emails, or, it might sound extreme but another alternative is to email him and tell him to change his passwords cause you still know them. That'll make him change them really quick and you won't have the option to look anymore and put yourself through a living hell. You need to stop doing this to yourself. Take what you already know, and swallow it. It doesn't mean you have to accept it, just know that there's nothing you can do about it. Know that the facts exist and no matter how much Foz cries and feels crappy, it's not going to change him.

 

Get mad, call him every name in the book, and try to pick yourself up from this mess. Reading more of his personal stuff is not going to bring you back together because even if he came knocking right now, you wouldn't trust him ever again. You're too loving and devoted for that, and you deserve the same in return, I can tell.

[Foz]

oh i couldnt tell him to change his passwords. he cant ever know ive been snooping. i dont want him to have any ammunition against me!!

i will just have to stop, i see him in a completely different light now anyway. He is not the person i fell in love with. maybe he was always this person but i was so blinded by love that i couldnt see who he really was.

I am beginning to look at his faults now and believe me there are many so maybe i will eventually come to the realisation that i am better off, it just doesnt feel like that just yet..

[Princess777]

I'm glad that you realize that you are the one who can control how you react, and that asking him to change them would be so embarrassing, that you wouldn't dream of it because then he'd know you had already looked. I was trying to get you to see that if you had to ask him to do that, then that would mean admitting that you couldn't control yourself. Now that you see that you can control yourself, please try to do so. Believe me I know it's hard. If I just lost my significant other I'd be doing the same thing, as would nearly everyone else if they COULD. Most of us don't have the opportunity so we only have to worry what they're doing. You can see first hand what he's doing and he has no idea. I think this should help you recover, moreso than making you hold out for him. It's hard to say how I would feel/react since I am not in your shoes but I know I would lose trust in him, should any resolve happen in the future.. it would be difficult to trust in him again. Be thankful that he broke up with you first and didn't do this stuff prior. He was honest with you, so give him that.

 

I think sometimes in life we get handed the crap platter because we have to be reminded that in order to appreciate things you have to experience the dark side of things before you can see the light. The balance is what's hard to keep going.

[icme]

Happythoughts, I can't say without knowing what you intend to tell him, why you stayed in touch with him until now and what you want going forward.

 

But generally, I think it's a very difficult one. Everyone here looks for closure and talks about it like it's a panacea, from which point they can move forward and really begin their life.

 

I'm not saying this isn't true, but people often think they need the ex to get that closure. Why? What are they going to do for you now that's so helpful?

 

I think you make your own closure – it's a state of mind you get to and you know when you're there because you feel that you're as over that person as you're going to be. That can take many forms, I'm just cynical about getting that release from explaining and talking to an ex. (but I accept that this is purely my take on it from my situation).

 

I don't believe they can ever really give you satisfactory reasons why they broke up with you (unless the situation is very specific). If you're talking about telling them in one way or another why you're better off now, why they misread things, got it wrong.. etc. again, ask yourself why you're doing it.

 

Its highly doubtful it will change their opinion of you (and I don't mean in terms of getting back with you, I mean in terms of thinking of you differently as a person. They either like you as a friend now anyway and thereforeeee couldn't care about these points, or they're not in your life and really couldn't give a *** about your closure talk anyway). If you and him are friends and you get on ok, I'd think carefully about it. Not sure how it will help you.

[happythoughts]

Foz and Icme,

 

Thanks for replying - I've just started another topic to gauge opinions.

 

Icme, you have so many thoughtful things to say

 

I know there's a danger he won't give a s*** what I have to say and whether there is anything he could say to make me feel more at ease.

 

Maybe I'm just pinning things on it as my 'marker' for finally 'letting go' and moving on without him in my life.

 

I think you're right - I have to study my own motivations carefully. And I have to think whether I can actually get closure myself, like you say it's a state of mind. It's funny because last time I saw him I didn't feel so upset and we were more distant than usual which didn't bother me so much. Maybe I'm much further along than I realise.

 

Sending you and Foz virtual hugs. This board is great - it stops us all boring our friends to death!

[Foz]

yeah Icme you are great, thanks for all your kind words and wisdom, you are helping me and im really grateful for that.

[icme]

no worries, hope you're both ok.

 

keep posting. we'll all get there in the end..

[happythoughts]

Foz, have you seen how many people have looked at your post!?Thousands...

God there's a lot of people going through similar stuff, which I guess is comforting for everyone.

 

Icme, you're a sweetie. We should clone you... your girl is a silly sausage for hurting you.

[happythoughts]

Icme - sorry I didn't mean 'silly sausage' to sound flippant!

 

Foz, how are you doing?

[Foz]

hi there,

 

Im in a real angry mode today, like how dare he move out the way he did, how dare he just announce it was over and not discuss it with me. How dare he be so flippant and dismissive of me. How dare he move on like that and go out scoring people without a second thought.

And i really hope that some day after all the meaningless flings he will wonder "what have i done, what have i thrown away" and i really hope he feels the loneliness and emptiness that i have been feeling..

 

on a brighter note im off to London for the weekend to visit some friends so im hoping i will party on and have a good weekend!!

 

was looking at your thread, happy thoughts, there are 2 very different schools of thought. I personally cant keep my feelings hidden so i would have to have the closure chat even if it hurt me but i do get what everyone says about it being pointless and how its something you find within yourself..

 

Sure all our ex's are mad to get rid of wonderful people like us!!