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Pebek, I remember your posts from a while back, coming up to 8 months for me too. When I first got on here and I saw the occasional post by someone 8 months or a year on, I thought, sh*t, no way am I going to be feeling like that in a years time, I refuse to! How can they let themselves still be screwed up over it. Easy to say that back then… But I realise now, how naïve I was. Provided you're not in contact and trying to be healthy and have a life, there's nothing else you can do to make the feeling go quicker. It goes when it goes and it serves no purpose to try and set a time limit on it as I did. Is a year a long time? not really. It goes so quick in many ways. it's a long time to be miserable every day (like we all are at the start) but its not a long time when you consider that yes, life is enjoyable once again, albeit with the occasional and saddening thought about what you had. What gets me most is when I think, "this time last year.. we where here or doing this..". nothing you can do except wait for new memories to take their place. So that's it really, a year passes, you battle on, most importantly you regain your confidence and self respect as you said, and you hope good things will come your way again soon. For you and for us all, I'm sure they will.

Hey, LP, I remember you from last year, I split up a few weeks before that. I've also felt better bit by bit (bit its still hard isn't it??!) Fortunately I haven't had the additional nightmare of seeing her with a new boyfriend. Every so often I let my mind wander and think about it, and it isn't pleasant – I can only imagine how crap it is to actually see them. I have only this advice for you – my best mate's been going through exactly the same and he has to work with her – at first it was awful, but in a way, seeing them together, knowing she's with someone is the worst it can possibly get. That is all of our worst nightmares really . so, you've now experienced that – it can't get any worse for you. I think you'll have some bad nights and plenty of crap thinking about it, but long run, it will fade just like the rest. As you know, having experienced the last 7 months, there are good and bad times. All you can say to yourself is chin up, f**k it, the feeling you have won't last forever. Good luck

Pebek, both my parents had their second divorces when they were in their 40's.. can't have been much fun, especially having gone through it once 10 years earlier!! but since that time, they are both with other people and have been with them for 12 years or so – and I have never seen either of them happier – every day since. No kidding. Its easy to think you're on the heap at 40. But also complete nonsense. you know, its not much different to thinking you're life is screwed at 30 - neither thoughts are rational, they're jsut a symptom of the negativity we all face after a break up. When you do find another person – the time you've spent miserable and anxious will be washed away, not like it never happened, but enough so that nothing about it will stop you being happy again. Things will change for you. They change for all of us. Sometimes bad as we know.. but sometimes good. You just have to ride out the storm during the bad times.

I feel pretty much the same as you LP, and am on a similar time scale. Now I find its not good and bad days so much as good and bad moments. I can be absolutely fine and then start thinking about her and feel a grim mood descending on me like a black cloud. Two hours later, I may feel ok again, but I can't tell precisely at which moment I stopped feeling miserable and my mood lifted. There's a line from a Shakespeare sonnet that goes, "My grief lies onward and my joy behind" I think that pretty much sums up how we all feel at the start and for a while after. That we have a finite amount of good things to experience in life and we just used them all up with our last relationship. Ahead lies only bad times and loneliness. To say I'm happy with life now would be a gross exaggeration, but I know I must be feeling better when I start to think rationally and say, no, its most likely the opposite, and that "joy lies onward and my grief behind". When that joy starts appearing I'll let you know!! Don't think its round the corner just yet...

Steve, sorry for your troubles. You'll know from reading these boards that there are many people who'll understand what you're going through. I certainly wouldn't worry about making any mistakes. But you do need to ask yourself what you want or hope to achieve. If its getting her back – then it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, just be relaxed and ease off, stay out of contact. Personally, I have never held any faith in getting someone back after they've made a decision to split, not just because its unlikely for that person to come back, but because its hard for you to deal with even if they do. If its being friends (again, not my thing personally) – then I'd still ease off and stay out of contact for a while – you can't be a friend and stay sane unless you're feelings for her have coolled. You know that's true just from the questions you've been asking her about her love life. It will drive you mad even thinking about it! So if you want to be a friend long term, stay away for a while, don't ask her any questions and come back when you can handle it. If its just dealing with what's happened – then all the advice you need is right here. Expect a bumpy ride, plenty of upset and occasional freak outs, but eventually, light at the end of the tunnel – and I promise you, it will get better. The first few months are the worst. the hardest thing to do is truly accept that that person is out of your life and to act as though it is – you know, not ever call, message them or see them. but that once you do this, you can take hold of your own life and move on. No one wants to move on because it means leaving behind your relationship – the trouble is, it's already gone. By doing this, you will get over it quicker, cleaner and without much of the pain, that could otherwise come your way, if you try and mend something that can't be fixed. Satisfying your curiosity about what she's up to and with whom, is likely to alienate her further (only a concern if you want to stay friends), but more importantly, it will keep you in a permanent state of anxiety and make you miserable. Life will be simpler if you don't ask. I know this is easier said than done. keep posting and good luck with everything

I think he took the cowards route no doubt. Couldn't face a horrible day where you'd both be crying and him packing and stuff – wouldn't have been nice, so he took the easier route. Part of that might be knowing that if you'd both talked it out, he might have stayed (but for how long??) , when deep down he wanted to split – so he was taking precautions against his own weakness.. I think if he'd done it another way, there'd be things about it that would bother you just as much – I think our feeling of anger and trauma at the whole thing just expresses itself in this way. The amount of times I've thought, yes, but if only she'd done this instead of that, it wouldn't have made me feel this, or she wouldn't have been so heartless.. and so on.. if he'd sat you down and talked instead of packing first, you'd now be saying, "how could he do that the moment I walked back from a business trip??" if he'd waited a month or two, you'd say, "he's a total ***, doing it right before xmas!!" And if he'd been really sweet about it, it would have taken you ages to convince yourself he wanted to split, and you'd have driven yourself mad about his true intentions. You've had a nasty sharp shock, but would a long drawn out one be better for you? This might help you get over it even quicker. Bottom line - there's never a good time or way for it to happen – its always total crap! i wanted an apology too - but like i said, you never get any contrition or guilt - they just move on. if they cared that much about our feelings, they wouldn't be crapping on you in the first place??!! I wouldn't worry about the anger – it does no harm. Your comment about being cynical made me laugh.. when I split up a friend said to me, you will come to hate seeing other couples. I didn't know what he meant until I noticed that every single time I turned round a couple were gazing into each others eyes kissing.. and I had exactly the same thought as you!! Its natural and it won't last. Give it another two months – you'll still be sad and even sadder at certain moments, but it will be a world away from how you're feeling now.

spot on Foz!! little by little... we will all get there. no option but to keep on keeping on. and at some point, like i said in a post to you a while back, there is someone you will have all those special things with again. Who knows.. could be even better this time round.

I am sorry foz. At least you know as much as you ever will. I think that's the point isn't it ? that when it comes down to it, no explanation ever really satisfies, because in many cases (as in yours and mine) its just something no one can put their finger on – that sense of "not being the one for them". Painful as this is, its better to know it now, so you can find it with someone else, than to find out in 2 years or worse still, to actually be in a marriage with that person that doesn't fulfil. I think this is really your turning point, not the nc before, not the conversation last week, but now. This is when you have to bite the bullet and now deal with the sadness of it so you can get over it. I really do think that nc is the way for you now – it will not do you any favours to keep in touch. You have to not reach out in those moments when you feel so sad. Its so weird and almost wrong to think that this person is now out of your life, but only when you really act and believe that this is so, do you move on with your own life. I know how hard this is, really I do and I find it so hard not to dwell on all the good things about a relationship (to feel my life was better then, than now) and not to feel slightly bitter about how I was treated, just as you do.. But, as I've said before, you never ever get the contrition you deserve or want. The only solution to all of this heartache is to move on and put him behind you. Good things will be ahead for you ps - that enormous urge to speak to him, will hit you again, i had it really badly just last week (and i made up excuses to myself why i should contact and it wasn't just because i was missing her). deal with it however you think best, but personally, i think it fades if you hold out - whereas giving in can only make you feel worse.

i'll try.. ok pick any of the following 1. you have spent the last [ ] weeks or months thinking about them (obsessing is probably more accurate!!) and analysing every moment together and word said. they most likely haven't been. so your call which has tremendous significance for you, has a fraction of the significance for them. with odds like these, do you really think you will come away from the call feeling better or worse? 2. they have since met a wonderful girl/guy. if you thought you felt crap before... how do you feel since finding out that wonderful news? 3. you hit them with both barrels telling them what a waste of time they are. what are the chances of them breaking down, telling you how guilty they've been feeling and asking for you to forgive them? exactly. 4. you make out you're really upbeat, cheery and life is pretty great. they say, "really, that's fantastic, i've been so much happier too. i've even met someone else, so happy.." go back to step 2. 5. you make out you're fine, cheery. they say, good, glad we're all cool. you have a nice chat. you make them laugh (this lights a fire in your heart, you think, she/he must still have something for me!) you realise how easy it is with them, compared to all the strangers you've been having to hang around with... you know it, i know it, we all know it, you're going to feel sadder after the call than you did before. and on this board there is no shortage of sadness... so don't add to your own. i'm not actually as cynical as this sounds.. but i've come to realise. this whole thing sucks, but there are ways to make it easier on yourself and one of them is not to remind yourself of what you can't have any more. hold tight, the urge will go and when it does, you'll be glad you didn't give in. good luck all. 3 months n/c for me next week. i hate it, but i'd hate any of the above more.

definitely progress, and there'll be more to come. I think it's a tough one. Everything in you screams that you should call back to find out what's going on in their heads, to have some contact, to see what happens next – just total curiosity. But you probably also know that no matter what is said on the call, nothing will change. If anything, he'll be back in your head a bit more and you'll feel more upset. So why call? Instead you can take control and decide that you're taking an active decision in closing the door to any contact. This discipline might prevent further upset for you and it's a declaration to yourself that you know the score and you know you have to move forward in your life, and he's not part of it. So, which option do you choose? No clear answer. It takes immense willpower not to call. Almost too much. But it might save you more ups and downs and headache if you don't call. I don't think you can focus too much on the emails foz, I really don't. when I look back on my relationships – I said or thought some unbelievably negative things about them, but I still loved the person I was with totally. I'm sure you have too? I was just voicing my own fears or thoughts, which we all need to do. This is not the same as his emails, but the point I'm trying to make is, we're not like a computer programme and our feelings are not consistent, they contradict each other and overlap. he can care about how you're doing and still be happy about his decision AND still feel the need to reassure himself by pulling a random girl – all at once. That's human isn't it.. I think the fact that deep down you would like to put certain questions to him about what he's been up to tells me a call could only go badly for you. In 6 months, a year, maybe you could have an impartial chat, but now? Do you think you could handle it? If I was advising me.. I wouldn't call. Part of me would say this out of spite, thinking screw them – I'll let them know how it feels to be not needed at all, but most of it would be knowing that no matter which way I turn on the path, the end destination is not being with them, so why even bother. My thought has always been, you have to get from a to b, and the quicker you get there without messing your head up, the better you'll be. Then again, who knows what's best. I certainly don't. I cut my ex out my life the moment she said it. and whilst this may help me in the long run, there hasn't been a day when I haven't though, Christ, I wish I hadn't been so abrupt, we could still have been friends.. but then, even as I write that, I think, what for.. what's the point in being friends? Ask yourself what you truly want (given what's possible to achieve) and then balance that with what will be best for you.

Your situation is different in that you have already been split for 11 months. To her, you are obviously friends at this point, in which case, it's a little odd to suddenly start ignoring her. N/c usually applies where you've just broken up and you need to give each other space, to get over it and sort your head out. In your case, I think it's a bit unfair to have split for this long and now start n/c out the blue. You could tell her yes, you had been keeping your distance the last 4 days and you think that's probably the best from here on in, given how you feel. Just don't be surprised at how much harder it is to ignore someone when they stop contacting you as well!!

Personally, I'd always favour a quick hello and that's it. If you try and ignore him, you'll spend the whole night wondering if he'll come over/should you go over, it will ruin your night and you'll go home pre-occupied and a bit upset if he never comes over. I'd always prefer to be in control of it myself. Once you've said hello, you can forget about him and enjoy your night. You should be yourself (in terms of hotting it up – you don't to look like someone who's just come off a make over programme - just do what you normally do for that kind of night) and walk straight up to him, smile, kiss on the cheek and say hi how are you, you look well, (whatever other b/s you want to say). How's work/life, and then just say, nice to see you again, I'm just going to say (hello to / grab a drink /) whatever - and then go over to your friends. Two minutes tops. I'm a firm believer in no contact, but if you have to be in the same room as someone – (provided they didn't really treat me badly and we just broke up as people do) you can take the initiative, particularly where you've been dumped, and show that there's nothing you can't handle about seeing him now. No big deal to you. you'll feel better afterwards and he'll feel a bit soft that it was you who were mature enough to come over and say hi like it was nothing.

Gersanos, I know where you're coming from. we had a great relationship, not one argument, always telling each other how much we loved the other. For 2-3 weeks I felt her pulling a way a bit, I raised a few issues about it, she made a point about not seeing us together in the future. I said, well, I guess that's it then. That night I slept in the spare room, the next day she left and I asked her to take everything with her , so I wouldn't have to deal with her collecting stuff. All I said was, "are you sure this is what you want?" she just said, "I'm not sure". Earlier that day we'd been talking about plans for next year.. who knows what goes on in people's heads. I think we could have had days or weeks of discussions about it, but to what end?? For me to cry and beg and get to the same point. No way. That's not for me and shouldn't be for you. in a way, I'm responsible for it ending like that and not being drawn out – but if you see the writing on the wall, what's the point in putting yourself through it. From the moment she said about not seeing us married or together, I knew there was nothing I could do. I'm not going to sit there and beg someone to be with me – love's not something you have to convince the other person of!! It is the weirdest thing, cuddling and being so in love with someone one minute and then the next day knowing you'll never see or speak to them again. I know two things, 1) you never fully get a handle on the reasons why 2) you stop caring and just accept it For me, n/c is an extension of the same principle I mentioned above. If the writing is on the wall – there is nothing you can do about it. Contacting them draws the process out, prolongs your agony and makes everything worse. When she left that morning I deleted all her numbers and contact details – I know this is a bit robot like, but it's the only way I knew I wouldn't call her. She hasn't contacted me since. Painful as this has been in the last 2.5 months, wondering why she hasn't called and if she ever cared, it's only now that I can see her not calling has helped me, although she wasn't doing it with my welfare in mind! All this analysing, pondering over calling, analysing what their text or call means, wondering the what ifs, if only I'd said this, not done that – its all wriggling, us trying to wriggle out of the position we find ourselves in – because its so horrible, we'd do anything to be out of it. To anyone out there wondering about contacting. (assuming there aren't extenuating circumstances, like a lifetime's friendship, working together etc etc) I'd say, bite the bullet, be realistic and just cut them off (for me there was nothing to cut off, but at least I didn't contact her either!) – keeping in touch has no benefits for you whatsoever and will prolong your pain. I view it like fridolyn said – she's just someone I once knew. And I loved her and wish her all the best. But me and her have no link in life any more. That's it. Very sad and cynical but that's life for all of us. J ust try your hardest to enjoy life – it flies by so quickly and be happy and know that where you had those feelings once, you can have them again. Put behind you what has gone and stop wriggling!!

i wouldn't worry, i've been calling her a lot worse on a daily basis.. anger's good Foz.. it's only when i think of all the lovely sweet things that i get upset. when you get angry, you get your pride back a bit and you start thinking of your ex more as someone who's ***** you off. this is much better and hurts less than thinking how tragic it all is that you've been rejected by somone you love. once you start thinking who the *** are they to have done this to me??, you're on to the first stages of sorting yourself out. its up and down though. i find you feel tough one minute then struck by the tragedy of it all again an hour later.. everyone here cautions against being bitter, which is fine, no one wants to end up twisted and not enjoying their life, but i'm not talking about any real depth of bad feeling towards them - just a light bit of cynicism that allows you to look at them with a different perspective. have a good one this weekend!

no worries, hope you're both ok. keep posting. we'll all get there in the end..