Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[Sli]

Foz...

 

Reading your thread brings back the emotions that lots of us here have felt, it's a horrid thing to go through, shattering. They are some of the most powerful emotions that you will ever experience, but they will fade with time…honest!... if they didn't most of us wouldn't be replying to your thread now, we'd have probably all topped ourselves! But we are replying and we are here for you.

 

Princess's quote "this too shall pass" reminded me of another inspired post that you have probably read here... but just in case you haven't …

 

 

link removed

 

When someone pulls away from us it hits the very core of our self-esteem, but remember your world may have just shifted around you but you are the same person, no less attractive, no less loving, no less anything than you were before.

 

Look after yourself

Sli

[Foz]

i am not getting any better, this is slowly killing me, i really cannot picture my life without him in it. I am so scared that he is gone forever and if he is what will i do without him. i really dont see a future without him. I have never felt so lost and alone in my life. I have coped with grief before, my Dad died suddenly 8 years ago but this is different, this is worse even and im not sure i can do it.

[Princess777]

Foz, it is not worse now... it is the disease of dysfunction that we all have living inside of us that is ruling your thoughts right now. You've got to take control of that little voice telling you these detrimental things and tell it to go to h*ll.

 

Foz please don't give up on happiness. You can achieve whatever you put your mind to.

[zveric]

I feel for you. This is very likely the hardest thing you have ever dealt with.

six weeks ago the woman I had lived with for 3 years told me that she was in love with another man, and that it was basically over between us.

I have never felt such raw terror in all my life. I am still afraid of the future like never before.

 

When I come into work, the people around me seem like aliens. Part of the reason this forum is so vital is that when you are really heartbroken, people who aren't seem like kind of a different species.

 

Here's a story though:

A couple of years ago, I broke both bones in my ankle clean through.

The first thing I felt was not pain, but fear. I looked down and my foot was pointed in entirely the wrong direction. My reaction was exactly the same as when she told me about HIM and that we were probably over.

I thought I was probably halucinating.

Then came the worst pain I had ever felt. After the surgery to repai my shattered ankle, I was in the recovery room wailing in pain as the nurse gave me syringe after syringe of morphine. I was sure it was sugar water in the syringe, for all the good it did.

 

six weeks later, in a cast, I could walk around on crutches, and my leg only hurt when I touched it, moved, or the temerature changed

 

After six months I still needed a cane to walk. My ancle felt weak, but with exercise, my leg was strong again.

 

Now, two years later, I can walk, run, jump, ride a bike, do martial arts, and almost anything else I wanted to.

 

But every so often, there is a dull ache, and my ankle not bend as far as it used to. Oh yeah, there is a really nasty scar.

 

Right now, you are screaming in pain, and the morphine isn't doing a damn thing.

Right now, I am just learning to walk on crutches. It still hurts terribly, and I am scared I will never run or jump again.

 

eventually, we will walk, run, jump, and love again. Maybe more carefully, but we will. We will have nasty scars on our hearts, and they will show on our faces. When people look you in the eye, they will see a wisdom that many people twice your age lack.

 

There will always be a little ache, and there will always be a scar, and not everything that does not kill us makes us stronger, but I think this will.

[zveric]

PS

I did not have any hope for the future until I wrote this just now.

Thankyou for that.

[Mun]

Zveric that was really good. I totally understand what you are saying.

 

I hope you post more on these forums. Thank you

[Foz]

hi there, thanks for the replies!

well 2 weeks on and i havent heard a word from him. The pain is unberable, i must have cried for 3 hours yesterday. I know everyone says that with time the pain will go away but it is hard to see through that at the moment.

im slowly coming to the realisation that it may in fact be over for good. He did move everything out and he hasnt contacted me and well sometimes actions speak louder than words and maybe all he said about fate and time was just to soften the blow.

it all seemed so sudden though, i wonder how long he had been thinking it and how i couldnt see it.

i dont even know what i would say to him if he did ring because i dont even know where to start, i miss him, i still love him and i want him back, not because im hurt and lonely but because i think we were great together, i remember the laughter, the cuddles, the affection, the pet names we had for each other, the way we understood each other and the way we would turn to each other for advice on everything that was going on.

i also wonder does he miss me, does he cry and hurt like i do and does he still think he did the right thing.

i try not to cry but everytime i think of him or talk about it the tears just start coming, now i think they are coming because i am mourning the loss of him, whereas before i was crying because i didnt know what was going on and when he was coming back but now i am slowly beginning to tell myself that he has made his decision and i just have to live with it as best i can.

[zveric]

I still do. Every day.

 

Allow youself to feel this pain. You are strong enough!

I never met anyone else before in my life that I wanted to be with. I searched for a long time. I kept my relationships physical, casual, and short, because I could always tell early that she wasn't the one, until I met Her. I knew right away.

 

The last three years were a dream come true, and now I have woken up to a very lonely reality.

 

good luck, God bless, and keep letting us know how you are, even if it feels like you are typing the same thing over and over.

 

eric

[Foz]

Last night i looked up at a wall in the flat and noticed there were some photo's missing, i then took out my photo albums only to discover that he had gone through them and taken out photo's of our various holidays together. he even took photo's of the 2 of us together. why would he do this?? if he doesnt want me in his life anymore and isnt sure if he wants a long term future together, why would he take photos of the 2 of us together?? and why would he go to the bother of going through a photo album in the middle of his massive move out?? what does that mean??

[Mun]

That's kind of strange Foz. Did he take ALL of your pictures together or just some?

[Princess777]

Foz,

 

About the pictures, I think he still really cares for you a lot and doesn't want to let go entirely. When a guy wants to hold onto things like that I think it says a lot. I'm not trying to give you false hopes or anything, because I don't know if you should hang on or what, but I do think that if he really thought that nothing would ever come of the relationship, that he wouldn't bother taking any memoirs. At least I wouldn't.... but I'm not like everybody......

 

The fact that he took some of his favorite photos of you two together might be his way of dealing with the guilt, he may sit and cry over them, you never know. I think that something has happened or someone has come along and put ideas in his head about a need for change, myself. In my experience, guys pay more attention to their peers than women do... again, this is only my experience in the matter. I still think your best bet with this guy is complete No Contact. Remember, he's not going to stop thinking about you and what you had together (and still have, it hasn't been that long)..... it doesn't work like that. No girl is going to come along that he meets and just pick up where you two left off. It will take time for you both to be able to put all of this behind you later, whether or not you get back together. So don't worry about him "forgetting" about you if you do NC...... I see a lot of people here worrying about that. Remember, he can't miss you if you're in his life. Staying out of it is your best bet to YOUR recovery and his realization of your being gone.

 

Sometimes we need to realize too that men think differently about situations and finalizations like this.... while women tend to think about future events and how things will pan out, men usually don't... they live in the moment which is glorious and I wish I could do that, however sometimes it's good to have a balance. So it may take him awhile for all of this to sink in. I have seen many things happen in which men don't really admit that something is happening until it's way too late or it has already been happening for awhile. Just give him some time and his true feelings will come out by his actions. If you don't hear anything, then he most likely has made the decision to move onto another chapter in his life.

 

Once I stopped trying to control other people in my life, I really saw a huge improvement in my own peace of mind and I think this will help you too. Pay attention to what actually happened and not how you feel about it so much and you won't be so depressed. Face the facts, go ahead and grieve and get it out of your system for your health, then make some new goals and hold your head up high, girl. We're behind you all the way here.

[Foz]

i bumped into a friend of his at lunchtime, i tried to act all calm but tears welled up in my eyes and my voice was faltering.. anyway i said i didnt really understand it all and was there someone else, he said 100% no, he said he thinks its because j travels alot and he didnt want to settle down and that he wanted to be a free spirit but that he doesnt really know why and that it came as a surprise to him..i asked him was there any hope, he said he didnt know, that he hadnt spoke to J in 2 weeks and he didnt know, he kept saying he was sorry and i would get through this. i said i wasnt sure i even wanted to..he said he would meet me for coffee during the week..

well at least i know for sure there is no one else cos this mate of his couldnt lie to save his a** and he didnt even blink or blush or any of the usual signs of lie-ing..to be honest i always did know there was no one else but sometimes people plant seeds of doubt in your mind.. also at least i know he hadnt been planning it for months and everyone else knew except me..

maybe i shouldnt have been as honest with his friend about how i was feeling but im the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve so i couldnt help it.

back to the photo's, yeah he took about 20 or 30, really significant ones as well, like one that was taken the night we first met and stuff..

i really dont understand that, why did he take them?? what could he possibly want with them?? he doesnt want me but he wants the momentoes??

[zveric]

My ex wants to keep all sorts of stuff.

She wants to keep drawings I did. She wants to keep things we bought together. I think for the person who left, perhaps it isn't quite so painful, so they still want to remember. If he ever really loved you, he still does in a way. This does not really change anything, and maybe it makes it worse. For me, the knowledge of how much she still loves me, and how little that mattered in the end, has shaken my faith in the strength and power of any love to keep people together. We had so much love for each other that I was totally blindsided by how irrelevant that can be.

 

I'm sorry if this is depressing, but I'm still pretty low.

 

Hang in there. It gets better.

[catman70]

Don't feel so bad. I am with you. Here's my story of late....

 

I'm 33yrs old. Just when you think you found a real genuine girl they rip your heart into 1000 pieces. I thought I found my soulmate. But apparently not. I really though she was a sweet girl with great morales, but she has lied and betrayed me beyond belief.

 

About 2 weeks ago, she told me she needed space to clear her head because she was mad at me for telling her we need to resolve some issues before we think about marriage. She obviously didn't like that answer.

 

Well, I just found out a week ago that my 35yr old beautiful and trusting girlfriend has been seeing another guy for ??? long. I found out the painful truth when I came over her house after she said she was going to bed early.

 

Her excuse, "he is just a long time friend to talk to". I noticed the only light on in her house was the light from the t.v in her bedroom. Obvioulsy, she was doing something with him while she was in bed with him. She still denies she slept with him.

 

Any advice? I think going to church is probably your best hope to find someone decent. I am an attractive guy, but not at all over confident. I tried the bar this weekend and came home more depressed and missing her than before I went there.

 

Any advice??

[zveric]

catman:

Don't go out to bars yet if you're not ready.

There's no way I could do it and I'm coming up on 2 months.

 

 

Foz:

How are you doing? Please keep posting. I am worried about you.

The next few weeks are gonna be hard on you. I wish I'd found this place sooner.

 

About the pictures, you have every right to ask him why he took them. Other people here may say that's a bad idea, but it's perfectly reasonable.

[Mun]

Catman hang in there.... it's going to be tough...but believe me not all girls are like that. Most will be up front with you and not ever think of cheating. Time to just be your own man for awhile.. get things done that you didn't do before.. set yourself some new projects.. go fishing.. whatever you enjoy.. just get out there.

 

Foz I asked about the pictures because I don't think that a man who no longer cares for you will take pictures of you with him. I would think anyone who wants out will just try to get the heck out of there as soon as he can and the last thing he thinks about is going through some photo albums to "hand pick" which pictures he wants to take with him. Sounds to me as if he still has feelings for you. He's confused.

 

I think you are doing the right thing in not running after him.. that would only confuse him more. Let him be with himself for awhile.. missing you... he might get past this confusion and decide your problems were no so bad afterall. I think posssibly he was overwhelmed and thought to himself " if we are arguing like this now.. what kind of future will we have?"and he got scared... well that's what I think.

[Foz]

well guys, after 2 weeks of NC, he rang last night. i was so shocked to see his number come up. well this is what happened, he asked how i was i said i'd been better , he said he had wanted to ring me loads of times but he didnt know what the right thing to do was, he said after 3.5 years he found it hard not to speak to me every day but he needed to create some distance, he said he missed me, he said he hadnt anything to say that was going to cheer me up, he said he hadnt been out having fun, he was just doing some sports and thinking and trying to sort his head out, he said he would be back in Dublin next week and wanted to spend some time with me. he said he had just been trying to keep busy and that he really misses me and wants to do the right thing but doesnt know what that is. he was crying down the phone.

i said i missed him too and that i had wanted to contact him loads of times but hadnt because he said he wanted space but that i would like to meet him.

I didnt do the whole please come back, i love you stuff because i thought that would put too much pressure on. because he was crying to ease the pain that both of us were feeling,I jokingly said you took my shell from mexico, he said he didnt realise he had taken it and was sorry. Anyway i left the conversation at contact me when you are back in dublin and want to talk.

I dont know what this means, does it mean there may be hope??

[CharlieGurl]

hi Foz,

Well, his phone call was bound to happen. It was obvious that he still cared/cares about you and needs to be sure in his mind that he's making the right decision. And it sounds like he's really stuck about what to do. You handled yourself very well and you were right not to beg and plead and tell him you love him and stuff. Let him take the lead on this one.

 

Although he misses you and seems to want to see you, please don't get your hopes up too high that this means he wants to get back together. I'm not saying that he doesn't...we really don't know at this point...he doesn't even know...but, I find at this stage in the game it's easy to overanalyze every single move our exes make and everything they say...and this sets us up for even more of a fall. So, I would just let him contact you, as you said, and take it slowly when you do see him. He might need this meeting in his mind to either decide to get back together with you, or to tell you more about why he did it and get some closure. Again, we don't know what his intentions are so I would be extremely cautious. Remember, you're the only one who has your best interest at heart, so you need to protect yourself going into this "meeting".

 

I really hope that everything turns out how you wish it to, but if it doesn't, we're here to talk to and care about what happens...

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.[/u]

[Princess777]

Wow Foz, I am so glad for you that you kept up the no contact. I also think his contacting you was bound to happen and I agree with the last poster in everything that was said.

 

While his contacting you is showing you that he is still thinking about you and his crying is almost surely sincere, please be really, really careful because at this point in time you are still in a very, very vulnerable state and whatever he says or does could all go pear-shaped in the end. We don't want you falling apart all over again.... and neither do you. I know exactly how you felt when you saw his number, and how you're feeling now....it's so difficult to think rationally when you get that glimmer of hope going like his phone call. So please don't overanalyze and hang on his every word, you did SO WELL with your responses. You kept it light hearted and you didn't grovel..... that's great...

 

Just imagine if you had continually called him in the beginning and consider now what is happening and the repercussions of it. Aren't you glad you did NC now? Now you have more control over your own emotions and how you react to his call. He was wondering why you hadn't called anymore and now he sees that you are a strong woman who can do fine without him and THAT is ATTRACTIVE. Good for you!!!!!

 

Please keep us posted!!!!

[Mun]

Hi Foz,

I think you are a good example to other women about what to do when these things happen. So happy for you that you were able to maintain self control and not go after him. I know how difficult that is, believe me.

 

Once he rings you and asks to see you-look your best. You want to "remind" him what he is missing out on. Be your sweet self and handle yourself with pride and dignity just as you have been doing. I am sure it will make a big impact in his opinion about you.

 

No matter what happens now I think you have already shown him that you are a great woman--and one worth keeping.

 

Best of luck..

Love

[Foz]

Well last night about 7pm he sent me a text message saying "turn on channell 1 on the tv now if you can", i was out for dinner and didnt look at my phone until about 7.45 so only responded then. i said "missed it, what was on?". decided there was no point saying where i was or who i was with or anything, just ask what was on.

he responded straight away with " there was a program on about the anne frank of Sarajevo, it wasnt that good anyway"

The significance of this being, Sarajevo is where we went on our first holiday together..

I didnt respond but im now thinking maybe, just maybe he is beginning to regret his decision or is definitely confused as to whether it was the right decision to make.

What do you think?

[Princess777]

Foz, you are doing beautifully. Better than I would be doing. See how he calls you, and is thinking of you? And see how your confidence is building back up?

 

I think he is going through the grieving stage.... and yes he may be regretting and remembering and wondering right now. But he is the only one who knows these things..... hang in there and please keep us posted! *hugs*

[Mun]

Foz that was really special, thanks for sharing and keeping us posted.

 

Someone told me this once " When a man calls then he is thinking about you. If he is thinking about you then he is still interested."

 

I think the fact that you have been so relaxed and appear so confident throughout all this ( to him) has really made a difference.

 

Keep it up

 

Love

[Foz]

Thanks guys, your replies have really helped me through the last 3 weeks.

To be honest im confused right now, i dont really know what to make of his contacting me, maybe there is hope but maybe he just wanted to ease his guilty conscience by ringing me and making sure i was ok. i dont know i guess as princess said, only he knows these things.

i think i will meet him and just listen to what he has to say because there is no point in me saying anything unless he wants it to work out between us. It will only work out if he wants it to because he has chosen this and only he can decide if he has made a mistake. I know now that i cant make him come back, that he has to come back out of his own free will and because he feels it is right. If he comes back we will really have to work at it because it will be hard to get over this hurt. if he doesnt come back, well ive got through the last 3 weeks so im sure i will be able to keep on going.

Im just trying to be philosophical about all this but in truth i am very confused as to what all this means.

We were supposed to be going to another one of his friend's weddings today. He is going on his own now, maybe being on his own at a wedding surrounded by couples will make him decide one way or another..

any advice as to how i should play this??

[icme]

Foz, I don't think you can do anymore than you have been doing up to this point. you have handled a nightmare situation brilliantly and if things don't work out, you should never think "if only I'd done this, or not done that..". Unfortunately – as you've realised, it is to a certain extent out of your hands now. Just carry on as you have been, from what you've said, I don't think it's possible to have handled it better than you have done.

 

just keep being yourself, strong and independent, but not closed to love, let him initiate contact. what more can you do..

 

I'm just worried – because despite what everyone says, its impossible not to have hope – that you could face further heartache if it seems to be going back on track and then falls again. I'm not being negative, just scared for you.

 

but like you said, you faced the last 3 weeks, you can face the rest if things don't work out.

 

good luck