Please help me i am completely broken hearted

[jackson5045]

hi

 

i feel for you i do - i really do

and to be honest athens is such a crappy city theres it lends itself to arguments

 

two words, commiment issues

wouldnt matter who you are or how much he loves he isnt capable of committing

some people just cant

thats why it took so long for him to say he loves you

the fact that he does love you is most likely why he is breaking up with you

 

some people just push anyone away whe they get too close

i think he might be on eof them

 

goo dluck

jack

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

Your posts struck a massive chord with me because your raw emotion is exactly how I felt seven months ago when the man I loved walked out on me. It was absolutely devastating and in many ways still is.

We were together for three years, knew each other for four and in many ways were totally happy. He was ambivalent about commitment too - not ready, not mature enough, not sure he ever wanted to get married (all his words, not mine). I was sure about him and have never feared commitment and so our only problem was agreeing on the whens and why's of our future, but even that wasn't a huge problem because I knew he loved me and I thought we would be okay. However, it seems he too buried his head in the sand and didn't always communicate his truest feelings to me. Like you, I was left feeling like he ended it without giving us a chance to sort it out. I know that feeling you have of 'but we could have sorted it out if only you'd told me' - it is very frustrating because to you, your problems could be rectified if only he would talk to you.

I want to tell you that things do get better - you will find joy again in the things you've always loved but it does take time. Ignore those people who tell you to move on or that there's plenty more fish in the sea, these comments are far too premature, and although they are meant to help you, they only cause more pain because it's undervaluing the relationship you had. In some ways, people hold onto the pain because at least then they are still connected to the other person and it's a reflection of what the relationship was worth to you.

You will tell yourself over and over that you have to move on - and I agree that it is really good to look forward. But don't be too harsh on yourself if you have a relapse (or several!). I have them far less than I used to, but just this last weekend I felt completely brokenhearted all over again, like it had just happened.

I think you should take comfort in the fact your ex is probably feeling pretty crap too. Although he's emailing people and seeming fine to them, it is just a front. I have no doubt you will see over the next few months, as I have done, some of his old emotions seeping out, some of his hurt coming out. Just as we try and pull ourselves together, they too hide how they feel in front of us. He can't have been with you for three and a half years and not now be having all sorts of emotions. If he just fell totally out of love you would have seen it coming - reduced contact/affection/blazing rows. You would have seen it in his eyes if he didn't care for you anymore or was seeing anyone else, so don't doubt that he loved you.

Don't torture yourself with thoughts that he is not affected - I'm sure he is. My ex's feelings come out in still needing me for emotional support sometimes and reminscing about this or that happy time. It does not mean we will get back together, but it does mean he was deeply affected.

As for No Contact, well I fall between the two schools of thought on that one. If you can't get a hold of your emotions, then you definitely need to do no contact. Him seeing or hearing you feeling desperate and awful will do no good - mostly because YOU will feel awful about being like that in front of him and then beat yourself up over it.

I had such a massive need to rectify the way my ex saw me that I HAD to have contact. I'm not recommending it - it's very painful, but it's what I've had to do. I needed my ex to see me being strong and happy, I am far too proud for him to see my cry any more tears. I think he has been surprised by this and whenever we've seen each other, I know it's left him thinking about us and his decision. I've turned up looking great and I've had lots of stories to tell and shown an interest in him. It doesn't matter how crap I've felt on the inside, I've always left these lunches being pleased with how I've handled myself. If I had begged I would hate myself.

 

Soooo, if you have contact, make sure you are being strong. I think my ex has been surprised that I called him and was so nice and friendly and okay. I wanted him to feel a bit on edge almost - like maybe I was doing better than him. At the end of the day it's mind games, but it has helped me feel stronger and that's what i care about.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I want to go screaming outside his house 'come back' but you just can't do it. At your darkest moments, when you feel you have to call him, either come on here and talk to everyone or call him, but only for a 'friendly' chat. That way you get the relief you need (ie desperately wanting to speak to him) without any of the breaking down. And don't call him too often.

 

I'm sure other people will disagree with contact but this is how I've got through it.

 

I also know how you feel about being lonely - all my friends are settled and even though there are dozens of them and they are wonderful, I feel lonely too. See this as a time that's making you stronger - a time when you're learning to be on your own in case anything like this happens again (god forbid!).

 

Lots of love! We're all here for you!

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

Your posts struck a massive chord with me because your raw emotion is exactly how I felt seven months ago when the man I loved walked out on me. It was absolutely devastating and in many ways still is.

We were together for three years, knew each other for four and in many ways were totally happy. He was ambivalent about commitment too - not ready, not mature enough, not sure he ever wanted to get married (all his words, not mine). I was sure about him and have never feared commitment and so our only problem was agreeing on the whens and why's of our future, but even that wasn't a huge problem because I knew he loved me and I thought we would be okay. However, it seems he too buried his head in the sand and didn't always communicate his truest feelings to me. Like you, I was left feeling like he ended it without giving us a chance to sort it out. I know that feeling you have of 'but we could have sorted it out if only you'd told me' - it is very frustrating because to you, your problems could be rectified if only he would talk to you.

I want to tell you that things do get better - you will find joy again in the things you've always loved but it does take time. Ignore those people who tell you to move on or that there's plenty more fish in the sea, these comments are far too premature, and although they are meant to help you, they only cause more pain because it's undervaluing the relationship you had. In some ways, people hold onto the pain because at least then they are still connected to the other person and it's a reflection of what the relationship was worth to you.

You will tell yourself over and over that you have to move on - and I agree that it is really good to look forward. But don't be too harsh on yourself if you have a relapse (or several!). I have them far less than I used to, but just this last weekend I felt completely brokenhearted all over again, like it had just happened.

I think you should take comfort in the fact your ex is probably feeling pretty crap too. Although he's emailing people and seeming fine to them, it is just a front. I have no doubt you will see over the next few months, as I have done, some of his old emotions seeping out, some of his hurt coming out. Just as we try and pull ourselves together, they too hide how they feel in front of us. He can't have been with you for three and a half years and not now be having all sorts of emotions. If he just fell totally out of love you would have seen it coming - reduced contact/affection/blazing rows. You would have seen it in his eyes if he didn't care for you anymore or was seeing anyone else, so don't doubt that he loved you.

Don't torture yourself with thoughts that he is not affected - I'm sure he is. My ex's feelings come out in still needing me for emotional support sometimes and reminscing about this or that happy time. It does not mean we will get back together, but it does mean he was deeply affected.

As for No Contact, well I fall between the two schools of thought on that one. If you can't get a hold of your emotions, then you definitely need to do no contact. Him seeing or hearing you feeling desperate and awful will do no good - mostly because YOU will feel awful about being like that in front of him and then beat yourself up over it.

I had such a massive need to rectify the way my ex saw me that I HAD to have contact. I'm not recommending it - it's very painful, but it's what I've had to do. I needed my ex to see me being strong and happy, I am far too proud for him to see my cry any more tears. I think he has been surprised by this and whenever we've seen each other, I know it's left him thinking about us and his decision. I've turned up looking great and I've had lots of stories to tell and shown an interest in him. It doesn't matter how crap I've felt on the inside, I've always left these lunches being pleased with how I've handled myself. If I had begged I would hate myself.

 

Soooo, if you have contact, make sure you are being strong. I think my ex has been surprised that I called him and was so nice and friendly and okay. I wanted him to feel a bit on edge almost - like maybe I was doing better than him. At the end of the day it's mind games, but it has helped me feel stronger and that's what i care about.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when I want to go screaming outside his house 'come back' but you just can't do it. At your darkest moments, when you feel you have to call him, either come on here and talk to everyone or call him, but only for a 'friendly' chat. That way you get the relief you need (ie desperately wanting to speak to him) without any of the breaking down. And don't call him too often.

 

I'm sure other people will disagree with contact but this is how I've got through it.

 

I also know how you feel about being lonely - all my friends are settled and even though there are dozens of them and they are wonderful, I feel lonely too. See this as a time that's making you stronger - a time when you're learning to be on your own in case anything like this happens again (god forbid!).

 

Lots of love! We're all here for you!

[Foz]

having a bad day, is it just me or is it normal to cry every day for 2 months following a break up??

i just cant stop crying and hurting, its not like i want this and im happy being in pain, im not but i cant seem to get past it, i wish i could but i just cant...

i try and then.. well today what set me off was i got an email from a girl who is married to a friend of J's, J was best man at their wedding in may. and it was such a great weekend and we were so happy then and i just got upset, cant even reply to her im crying so much and im at work crying in my office..

[Princess777]

Foz I'm sorry.... yes it hurts, we all know that and admit it. Try really hard to separate reality from the way you feel about that reality. That probably makes no sense to you right now but it will someday, I promise.

 

*hugs*

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

Nobody is saying you want this pain, of course you don't want it. It is totally normal to feel like this - the grief is overwhelming. You have lost somebody who was massivley important in your life.

You can't just automatically snap your fingers and get past it - you have to go through what you're going through in your own time.

It's perfectly normal to feel like this.

If it helps, I was in denial for about four months. I didn't care what our relationship was going to be like as long as he came back.

It is totally normal to feel utter despair.

Have you had any contact with him at all?

[Foz]

the only contact since he left me was a phone call after just over 2 weeks and then he met me a week after that, that was 3 weeks ago and nothing since then..when he rang he was crying saying he missed me and stuff, when he met me he was more or less saying there was no hope but he wanted us to be friends but he hasnt contacted me since and im still crying nearly 8 weeks since he broke up with me. i actually dont think i feel any better than i did 8 weeks ago..i try to be positive but all my energy is just used up trying to make it through the day at work, once that is finished i seem to be at rock bottom again...

[happythoughts]

Honey, it is all perfectly normal.

 

After what happened and the strength of your feelings, it is not surprising that you're not feeling any better yet.

It will take you ages to get used to the gulf that has been left by him just on a physical level (eg him being at home), never mind on an emotional level. You are trying to deal with all kinds of things - the loss of his physical presense as well as the emotional stuff about hopes for you future, your love for him and the fact you don't want to be on your own.

It is massive and you shouldn't worry about how far on you are. The truth is you will recover in time, even though you don't feel like you will.

I'm at the seven month stage and I know those feelings of raw grief. I walked around like a zombie for weeks. Even now I have major relapses and feel like it just happened. I'm still a bit in denial - I don't want to face my future without him - but I am a lot better than I was.

The truth is that you will cry less over time. Don't beat yourself up for feeling bad now - you just need to keep getting it all out.

Just keep crying - it's fine to do that.

At some point you will feel like doing other stuff, like going for a swim, having fun with your friends. This grief will not be around forever at this intensity.

It is so intense at the moment because you can't really believe it's happening to you.

You are being really strong in not contacting him. Try and keep strong if you can. Like I said before, i had to have contact - in some ways it helped, in some ways it made it worse (ie I felt rejection upon rejection if he didn't answer the phone or return my call, and then you start feeling obsessed as to what he's doing).

Keep going Foz, keep writing. Do what you need to get through the day xxxx

[CharlieGurl]

hi Foz,

I know how rough it is. I have cried pretty much every day since the break up two months ago as well. It just seems like nothing is worth doing anymore...and I know you probably feel like you're no better than you were at the beginning, but by not being any worse, you're actually better...does that make any sense? It's like you're on this plateau of sadness and you might be there for a while...and this will be the lowest you get. It won't get any lower. And somehow, that helps me get through. Knowing that better days lie ahead for me...sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going...

 

Feel your sadness...accept it..cry...scream...sit around like a zombie...whatever you have to do, do and like happy thoughts said, don't beat yourself up over it. Everyone's experience is different and lasts it's own amount of time.

 

You are only human and have had your happiness stolen right from under your feet...of course it's natural to be sad for a while...a long while...but it will get better.

 

I feel a little better today. Not a lot..and i'm sure I'll be sad again later today even, but for right this very second, I'm a little better. And you will get there as well.

 

Just the fact that you can get through your day at work and get your job done, shows wonders for your strength. Of course, all you want to do is sit at home and do nothing...but you choose to pick yourself up in the morning, get dressed and get to work...and that's huge! You don't realize how well you're doing...because you're in the middle of it all. But from the outside, it's obvious that you are very strong and determined. And these characteristics will pull you through your hardest days...they have already...

 

Keep faith in yourself and your days ahead...they will only get better....

 

xo

[Sli]

Hi Foz

 

Really feel for you, nothing hurts quite like it… So many good people are giving excellent and heartfelt emotional support here. Just remember your life's not gonna end here, you'll make it through…anyway… thought I'd be a typical bloke for a second and try to fix things, I know you probably just need emotional support and someone to listen, but check your Mars/Venus book and you'll probably find a popular generalisation - a lot of blokes are crap with emotional stuff, we prefer to try and fix stuff!

 

With that in mind…Just wanted to make sure you're looking after yourself properly and ask…

 

- Have you had any time off recently? You said you're finding it hard to get through the working day.
- Are you getting enough emotional support from Friends/Family? As and when you need it?
- Have you got a place you can go when you feel you can't cope and where everything seems a little bit better? (for me this is crashed out on my Mum's sofa wiv a nice cup of tea…aahh)
- Are you eating properly? Are you taking a vitamin supplement? (especially Vit C) A really kick a** supplement is Berocca or something like that and you can get supermarket own equivalents.
- Eat some bananas or turkey - they both contain tryptophan, this boosts serotonin levels in the brain, quite a few anti-depression drugs do this and this way you can do it naturally.
- Are you drinking to much coffee/alcohol or smoking too much? These stimulants sap your energy levels and I dunno about you but when my energy is down I think too much.
- Have you made plans to better yourself, (take up a course/hobby/sport or other interest)? I blocked depressing thoughts by filling my time with good stuff, it really helped.
- Enough sleep? you could try herbal Valerian tabs
- Exercise Foz? Often recommended and is a real biggy - releases natural endorphins, makes you feel strong and boosts self image, God knows one of the biggest things to take a hit when you go through your break up is your self esteem and it takes time to get it back, you can use exercise as a short cut and it works.
- Also on self image, fancy a change? New hair do, new clothes all that retail therapy stuff, go and buy all the stuff you've wanted but been sensibly saving for, (I did, now I'm skint but happy ) why not? you work hard enough don't you?
- Have you decorated recently? Changing your environment can sometimes really help
- Have you packed up everything that reminds you of him, had a bloody good full on cry and said to yourself 'I love you but I need to let you go right now' (this really helped me especially cuz I kept finding things like her make up or her hair brush lying around and it just kept throwing me right off), you need to let go of this stuff, even if you have to tell yourself it's just temporary.
- Have you had a look on Friends Reunited or some other site to see if you can find your old school mates or other people you've lost touch with? This is quite therapeutic because it makes you think about the good old days and realize that you actually had a life (and loves) before they even existed to you, if you had good times before they came into your life then you'll have them again. It's a perspective thing and from what you've said it looks like he's only been in your life for 10% of it so far and say you live 3 times longer than you have already he ends up a 3%ish blip in your life…did that make sense

I do wish you all the best Foz and sorry if this is just typically bloky, practical stuff and you've heard it all before, but I just wanted to try and help. You really need to try and shift your thinking from him to you, look after yourself and even better…spoil yourself for a bit.

 

Take care

 

Sli

[Foz]

Have you had any time off recently? You said you’re finding it hard to get through the working day.

No, i only started my job in June and used up all my holidays with the trip to Athens so not entitled to any more and dont want to rock the boat by asking for more

 

- Are you getting enough emotional support from Friends/Family? As and when you need it?

Alot of my so called good friends have not been there for me to be honest. Acquaintances have been way better. Mum is good but she lives a 5 hour drive away.

 

- Have you got a place you can go when you feel you can’t cope and where everything seems a little bit better? (for me this is crashed out on my Mum’s sofa wiv a nice cup of tea…aahh)

I go home to my mum most weekends but dont have anywhere during the week

 

- Are you eating properly? Are you taking a vitamin supplement?

Not eating well but am taking vitamins

 

- Are you drinking to much coffee/alcohol or smoking too much?

yes to all the above.

 

- Have you made plans to better yourself, (take up a course/hobby/sport or other interest)?

I should do a night course but havent done anything about it yet..

 

- Enough sleep?

Still on sleeping tablets, dont take them if ive been drinking though.

 

- Exercise Foz?

Can only manage yoga at the moment but i went sunday and last night. Then undid all the good by drinking 2.5 bottles of red wine with the girl from upstairs in my building. Today have hangover and cant stop crying so alcohol is certainly a depressant..

 

- Also on self image, fancy a change?

Getting hair cut at weekend.

 

- Have you decorated recently? Changing your environment can sometimes really help.

Changed all the bed clothes..

 

- Have you packed up everything that reminds you of him?? Well i put away all his photos, took off the jewelery he bought me but i cant exactly start throwing out kettles and saucepans.

 

had a bloody good full on cry and said to yourself ‘I love you but I need to let you go right now’ -cry all the time but cant seem to let go..

 

- Have you had a look on Friends Reunited or some other site to see if you can find your old school mates or other people you’ve lost touch with? This is quite therapeutic because it makes you think about the good old days and realize that you actually had a life (and loves) before they even existed to you, if you had good times before they came into your life then you’ll have them again. It’s a perspective thing and from what you’ve said it looks like he’s only been in your life for 10% of it so far and say you live 3 times longer than you have already he ends up a 3%ish blip in your life…did that make sense.

Went to my 10 year school reunion last year and re-established contact with a girl from school, have hooked up with her since this happened and she has been really nice..

[Princess777]

Awesome advice from Sli. Practical is good!!!!

[zveric]

2 girls, 2.5 bottles of wine.

Damn, you Irish girls can put it away.

 

Nice job.

[Foz]

i think only in Ireland will you not be considered an alcoholic if you drink a bottle of wine on a tuesday night!!

to be honest though the hangovers dont help my situation so i think i will give up the booze for the month of november-detox before the party season and all that!!

To all who have replied to my posts with advice and words of encouragement i thank you, you are helping me so much..

[patheticgirl]

Foz,

 

I am trying hard to be like you. I made a great mistake yesterday. I couldnt stop myself, I gave him a call. yes its a big mistake, but Iwas so down and no one for me to talk to. I cried a lot and it really pissed him off. I am so sad now that I messed up a lot. God why did I do that. Now I feel he drifted even more away from me. I feel so down and hurt. How can such a person who was ur entire world can just throw u away like a fly in the food and move on with their life

[happythoughts]

You are not a pathetic girl! You made one 'mistake' but when you are feeling so emotional and down and heartbroken...aren't you going to have those feelings come out sometimes?

 

Of course you are and I don't know how he can be 'pissed off'. I am pretty sure he's using anger as a shield from his own hurt and pain.

 

I know that feeling of 'how can they be okay when I feel like dying?' but I'm sure they are not really 100% okay.

 

I was talking to my male friend the other day who broke up with is girlfriend of five years two and a half years ago. He still thinks about her, he still misses her. He's been out with somebody else since then - for over a year - but he still thinks about and loves the original girl. And when they broke up this original girl just lost it - spent two months practically on his doorstep crying and begging for another chance. He told her to go away, told her he was fine, told her to leave him alone.

 

He was hurting and also in denial himself even though he was the dumper. It took him a few months to understand her pain and he feels terrible about the way he was.

 

My point is that you could fling yourself at him 1,000 times and cry manically...and he may still love you and miss you two years down the line, even if he's 'pissed off' now.

 

I'm not saying all men do a u-turn (mine hasn't) but sometimes they do.

 

We've all done the 'call' of despair! Don't worry! Be strong xxxxxxx

[Foz]

well its been 8 weeks, a really tough 8 weeks, sometimes i dont know how i got through it.

i still miss him desparately and I probably would still take him back.

 

I miss his company, i miss his hugs and kisses, i miss the way in the mornings when a song would come on the radio that he liked he would make me dance around the kitchen with him, i miss the way when he'd be having a shower he would get me to come in to the bathroom and sit on the edge of the bath and chat to him, i miss the way when he would wake up in the morning he would search through my hair asking where are you foz? i miss the way he calls me foz, that was his nickname for me..

 

Despite the coldness and the lack of contact and the emails he sent to other people about me and the fact that he is emailing another girl saying love J, i would still take him back.

 

I still dont understand it, was it commitment, was it the bickering??

 

Whatever it was i would take him back because i miss him and i still love him..I just cant help it..

[icme]

Its those things that are the real killer and the things that we all miss about the ones we loved. All the pet names, the silly voices, standing jokes you have.. does my head in. I don't have any answers, mainly because I don't get it with regards to my situation. (we were talking about holidays next year, 3 hours before it happened.. what the hell is that about?? who knows what's going on in people's heads..)

 

You have to realise though, 1) you will have all those things with someone else who you love and who loves you just as much. They will be different things, but they'll be just as good, funny, sweet. there are people out there who will make you feel every bit as happy and special as he did 2) you won't want these things with someone else for a good while, because you still miss him so much. But when you are ready and they happen again, you'll be as happy as you ever were. Its not the end of your life – just a really crap patch within it!!

 

That's all you can focus on - its rough, really sad and gutting, but its not the end of you and its not the end of all those great things in a relationship we all love. Its just a break until you find them again with someone else. I DO know you don't' want them with someone else – I don't yet either… but you will.

 

Foz, I know its easier said than done. I think about all those kind of things, all the time, they hurt slightly less than they did, but they still hurt and keep me on a downer most of the time. memories of them are like a constant bloody replay in my head while i'm trying to work.. Nothing to do other than sit it out.

 

If its any consolation, as a fellow 29 yr old lawyer, who's probably done an appalling job the last 2 months (and been negligent on a daily basis) who is also coming back to an empty flat at night and whose friends are pretty happy going about their lives… this is not the end of good times for us.. just a break until life gets back on track.. I promise. Not because I know what will happen, but because I know our lives can't be like this forever

 

accept that you won't find an answer why it happened - sometimes it just does, no good reason. we just weren't the one for them or it wasn't right at that time, for any number of reasons. i know we all think, well, if that's the case, why did we have so many good times?? why were they going along with it?? the answer is - that's what people do, sometimes it feels right and they're happy and not analysing it, and other times, they do analyse it and its not right for them and they feel forced to act on it. what can you do? feelings are never clear cut, things are complicated and when you put your heart out there, there's always the risk of it getting broken.

 

you've got this far and you can go alot further. everything will be ok. just.. not for a while.

 

in the meantime - stop boozing, stop the sleeping pills and start doing some bloody exercise!!

[Foz]

ok serves me right and now i wish id never done it but i checked his email again and he has been with other girls and emailing his mates about it.

" i fear you may have got the wrong impression of me over the weekend...i am not into breaking records of scoring 100's of girls.. i am into long meaningful relationships where i can hopefully meet my future wife.. ive been checking my mails everyday desperate to find a message from that lovely parisien lady but alas it has not arrived and instead i feel like a cheap discarded piece of meat! now that i have cleared that up, between you and me i have scored again but not on the paris scale of things!"

this email was to a girlfriend of a mate of his who i really got on well with..can only imagine what he is saying to the guys

 

oh my god who was i going out with & how can he not give a sh**. I know its over and he has every right to be with someone else but the person he is now is not really nice. I dont know maybe he is having a mid life crisis.

God im just shocked and hurt and angry, yes im finallly a bit angry. What the hell was i doing pining for the past 2 months over this guy who is girl hopping while im crying. Im such a fool.

And do you know what my snooping was kind of breaking NC in a way. So maybe now i really have to apply NC properly and that means no checking emails anymore

[Mun]

Foz I'm sorry you are hurt again after reading this email.

 

This does not seem to me to be an appropriate letter to send to a female friend, but that's just me. Remember men brag sometimes so it may be true or it may be an exaggeration.

 

What you have to concentrate on is yourself. This is not helping you to move on. You are a bright woman, I think you know that you don't need an email to tell you that he is moving on. His actions have already shown that.

 

You need to move on too. Surround yourself with friends who care about you. Tell yourself daily that you are a wonderful person who deserves better. Try your best not to read his mail. Concentrate on YOU.

 

It's not easy, I know that, but you must pull yourself away from him now.

[Foz]

Everyone warned me not to check but i just had a stupid compulsion to see what was going on in his life, well now i know. He is off jumping from girl to girl acting like someone who is having some sort of quater life crisis.

He is not acting like the person i went out with anyway!!

 

You are right it is time to focus on me and move on, even if im thinking about him, i have to stop talking about him all the time. he is not coming back to me ever and i just have to accept that and work on making myself better.

[trishcollins]

Foz,

 

I am SO sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like -- my post-breakup situation is SO different -- my "ex" ended the relationshp due to circumstances and insists he still loves me and keeps doing things to make me feel like he sees a future, but won't admit it, and then tells me to move on with my life -- it's all very mixed message-like and very frustrating. Sometimes, a slap in the face, like you got, is a wake call that can actually help us move forward.

 

I am not sure you will not take much comfort in this, you at least can use the knowledge that he has really moved on, to help you move on faster. You can use that knowledge that you are better than him, that you would never to what he did to someone else, and that you have grown from this experience, whereas he has definitely NOT. It's part of the greiving process, the anger piece. You have something you can be angry about and focus your anger on. Sometimes we need that to just say "f-you" and then we can get past that and move towards acceptance.

 

I think you are right. It's time to stop looking at the past. Do NC for yourself before you go completely crazy. You have to do what's right for you. Better to forget someone who obviously is confused and has little value for what a real relationship is. Don't worry, Karma will take care of guys like him.

 

As for your other post, where you talk about all those happy times and memories, keep those and remember them. Over time, they will bring a smile to your face, and you will no longer feel hurt, just ambivolence. I speak from experience, so trust me. You will remember those good times with a fondness, but not with a heavy heart. As icme says, you will have that again, with someone who appreciates you and is worthy of your love.

 

It's been four months for me, and it is getting better, but it's still hard. However, the tears will dry up and the hurt and the pain will ease and you will start thinking about your future and not dwelling on the past. Healing takes time and energy, so stop putting your energy into trying to figure out why it happened and start putting your energy into you.

[Foz]

I feel like such a fool, i feel like i had him on a pedestal and he could do no wrong but now all my illusions are shattered. There is nothing left, he is completely ambivalent towards me. I gave him everything and it wasnt enough and he has moved on to other women within the space of 6 weeks. It is the total lack of any type of feelings towards me that shocks me. Anyways its over now and there is no point going over the if's and the what happened.. he is gone and knowing that he has been with other women in such a short space of time since breaking up with me turns me right off him. I even feel like a fool for listing off all them things i missed about him..

And Trish you are right i would never do to someone what he has done to me. I can hold my head up here and say i am the better person. I would not pack up and leave while someone is away on a business trip and not discuss my doubts and reasons for leaving. I would not ring someone and give them false hope and i would not then call over to them and act concerned and then drop all contact and go off on one night stands to boost my ego.

The only thing i have done wrong in this whole break up is check his emails and the reasn i did it was i was trying to understand why he did it and how he was feeling about it. I still dont understand and probably never will but what i did find is that he is not the person i was in love with.

And i now know I DESERVE BETTER and I WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY.

I will make decisions concerning my living arrangements and work later but now i have to focus on getting myself together for once and for all. I have mourned and grieved for 2 months now. Now I have to start healing..

[CarterJonas]

I DESERVE BETTER and I WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY

Well said Foz, concerntrate on yourself and things do get better.

 

goodluck

[happythoughts]

Foz,

 

You are doing so well and everything you say is true. The thing that I wanted to point out is, like you said, he's doing this sleeping around to boost his ego. I've seen it at least ten times among my close male friends - they go out immediately to bag other women while the girls they left are in depair and constantly going over things and sharing their emotions with their friends. I've spoken to several of my male friends about this and they all admit they went a bit mad when they left a relationship and couldn't handle what was going on - so they turned to booze and anyone they could sleep with. It's their total immaturity. Not all men are the same but some just do this.

 

It doesn't help you but I can guarantee it doesn't mean he's over you - if anything it shows the opposite.

 

but like you said, you want to look forward and gather strength and that you must. We're all behind you.

 

And don't worry about snooping on his email - 99% of people on this site would have done it or would do the same if they knew the password! It's human nature after you've been with somebody so long to try and make sense of what's going on now they've gone.

xxxx