Desperately needing advice. Husband slept with my sister before we were dating.

[Ksush]

The good news is that he had sex with your twin sister, which means that you are his type!! it's not like he had sex with a woman who looks totally unlike you and you are sitting around wondering "does he really prefer such and such type of woman?"

 

the therapy i think would be good for learning how to let go of thoughts (like i said, clouds passing in the sky, leaves floating by in a stream...) there's no point to dwell on the specifics of what happened in therapy, because i think that thinking about things/dwelling make them last longer and stay in your reality for longer. that's not what you want. you want to learn how to LET GO.

 

I've never found humor in this situation... until now haha! Thanks for the laugh. But it's still weird! Ugh.

[Seraphim]

What I mean about choosing thoughts is that if there is going to be a family gathering, don't set yourself up by thinking " omg THIS is going to awkward. OMG I wonder if they will have a conversation. Does it mean anything?" and then you stress and stress. Instead, think, " well this is NOT going to bother me today. I am going to have a lovely time with my husband and a lovely time with my sister. He loves ME and he chose ME."

[Ksush]

What I mean about choosing thoughts is that if there is going to be a family gathering, don't set yourself up by thinking " omg THIS is going to awkward. OMG I wonder if they will have a conversation. Does it mean anything?" and then you stress and stress. Instead, think, " well this is NOT going to bother me today. I am going to have a lovely time with my husband and a lovely time with my sister. He loves ME and he chose ME."

 

Thank you Victoria I will try that...baby steps.

[Seraphim]

Thank you Victoria I will try that...baby steps.

 

Yes, it is baby steps. Try thinking good thoughts every time you go to a gathering and eventually you will find the negative ones won't be there and the good ones will be automatic.

[toby17]

I read your post and I don't see that your husband did a lot wrong except not telling you and this has obviously bothered him so he's telling you now.

 

On the other hand, your sister knew you suspected and pretty much lied, and regardless she should have told you before you got married. Personally I don't understand why you're putting most of the blame at his door.

 

I think you need to decide if you can eventually accept them sleeping together.

 

I wouldn't ignore your feelings tho. Right now you're trying to get us to tell us it's okay to forgive him. But that nagging feeling is telling you something may not be right. Eg maybe it bothers you that she looks like you (identical?) and may subconsciously you wonder if he chose you because she was taken.)

 

Suggest you go see a counselor to get some clarity about this issue and what you should do.

 

Good luck!

[DN]

I read your post and I don't see that your husband did a lot wrong except not telling you and this has obviously bothered him so he's telling you now.

As it happens this isn't accurate. The OP said

My husband and I got married a few months ago after dating for 3 1/2 years. About 2 years into the relationship he confessed to having sex with my sister, just once, prior to us dating.

[Ksush]

Hi Toby,

 

I don't know if you misread my post or if I wasn't clear? I'm not saying he did anything wrong. I know that what he did was BEFORE our relationship. Had this night happened with anyone else but, MY OWN SISTER, I wouldn't be here.

 

Trust me, my sister wasn't out of the clear for lying to me or for sleeping with someone I was interested in...but that's an entirely different topic for a different forum. I'm not trying to come off as blaming him..besides, I can't blame him for something that happened before hand.

 

Anyways, I see what your saying though. I'm here to find ways to accept this. I said before, try to picture you and your spouse and a family gathering, then picture your brother/sister there as well, then add in the fact that your spouse and sibling had a one night thing.... Could you deal with that? Would it be weird? Would it it hurt your selfesteem? If yes, how would you handle it? That's what I need help with.

[Lonewing]

Well...

 

Your husband is honest, and there's no issues between you and him...

 

Your sister is probably inwardly embarassed, or mixed up about it. Either way, your husband and her are not each other's personality type but you and him are - lucky man!! It's rare we get a second chance like that...

 

You and your sister are close and you probably share a lot in common, though most will see at as weird, well, you've shared your husband too...hiyah...good old fashioned "keepin' it in the family"...

 

I could deal with my spouse and my brother having a one night thing - especially BEFORE we met. It's just sex...and it obviously wasn't very good sex, either...

 

And he had the balls to tell you - because most people would have NEVER said a thing! good guy - keep him close!

[DN]

Your sister did nothing wrong either.

 

Imagine for a moment that she had told you when you first went out with this guy. You probably would have not gone out with him and now would not be married to a man you say you love, is amazing and that the relationship you have with him is perfect. She did you a huge favour - many women would have objected to you going out with someone with whom she had a fling.

[Ksush]

Your sister did nothing wrong either.

 

Imagine for a moment that she had told you when you first went out with this guy. You probably would have not gone out with him and now would not be married to a man you say you love, is amazing and that the relationship you have with him is perfect. She did you a huge favour - many women would have objected to you going out with someone with whom she had a fling.

 

I've always thought she did do something wrong. She had sex with a man she knew I was interested in, then lied about it. She had a boyfriend at that time, so I never really understood why she did it. I was never able to get her to answer that question either. She was always quick to add that I had a boyfriend (kind of) at the time, so it shouldn't have mattered...but the point was, she lied about having sex with a man I was interested in.

 

You're right, I probably would not have continued seeing him had I known from the start...but I was never given that option, so I'll never know.

[sophie274]

I understand that in many ways this is a very different situation, but I'm currently seeing a guy (it's not serious yet, we haven't been dating for two months yet) who went out on a handful on dates (3 I think) with my sister four years ago. They made out a few times, but she felt they had no chemistry. When I first met him I thought it was a shame nothing could happen because of his history with my sis, and then I changed my mind ... I guess because I found him very appealing, and because I convinced myself that I was being ridiculous. A few people have commented to me "isn't it super awkward" and no, it isn't. I don't feel like I am competing with my sis or being compared to her because it was a long time ago, and I think the guy has matured quite a bit. I don't feel jealous because he and I have much better chemistry than he and sister ever did, and I don't think he finds her more attractive than me or whatever.

 

I do understand why you feel so upset, I really can. It feels like a very intimate part of your husband to "share" with your sister. I know that for me, knowing about the history upfront has helped. I don't have any feelings of deceit or betrayal. I agree with the advice of working on techniques to get the bad thoughts and images out of your head. You should be able to make them fade and recede until you do not feel so bothered by this.

[Ariel85]

So why is this coming up now, considering you've known about it for a few years?

 

I think this is why guys often feel blindsided by women. Your husband probably thinks this issue was settled years ago, and here you are resurrecting it.

 

I think the time to make a stink about this was years ago when you found out, certainly before you got married. Still, I don't see the problem - you weren't dating him at the time.

[Ksush]

So why is this coming up now, considering you've known about it for a few years?

 

I think this is why guys often feel blindsided by women. Your husband probably thinks this issue was settled years ago, and here you are resurrecting it.

 

I think the time to make a stink about this was years ago when you found out, certainly before you got married. Still, I don't see the problem - you weren't dating him at the time.

 

It's not just "coming up now" I've been secretly dealing with this for awhile. He does think it was settled...I'm sure he has no idea how much it's been bothering me. Of course the holidays don't help my situation at all.

 

I wish people would stop focussing on the fact that this was before we were together and before our marriage. I am well aware of that and have talked about that fact in almost every one of my replies. We all have a sexual past, I get that. But we don't all have sexual pasts with our spouse's siblings. My issue is that is was with my twin sister. Had it been any other woman...great...but not my sister. I am having a hard time getting over that. I'm having a hard time during family gatherings. It's weird, kind of gross, confusing,...and did I mention weird? Haha! That's what I came here for...tips for getting over the fact that is was with my sister.

[DN]

Well, I gave you a tip earlier - why not try that?

[giubilante]

It is natural she should have somewhat mixed feelings about it. And yes, she did decide to accept it when he told her, but is finding it difficult to 'let it go'. Understandable? Certainly. Healthy? No.

 

I really think that you should speak with someone about it. I don't have any advice about 'what you should do', except to say that in some way you need to come to terms with it. Your husband slept with your sister before you were together. I understand that you feel betrayed by your sister - that is perfectly understandable. She knowingly slept with someone she knew you were interested in. And to top that off, she already had a boyfriend! Your now husband didn't do anything wrong, per se, unless it was to sleep with someone who was already attached (a no-no in my book).

 

So, what to do... Well, if you ask me, I think you should speak with a therapist about this, and also with your husband. Explain to him that, though you don't blame him for what happened in the least, you still feel awkward about it. This has got to come out in the open and not be hidden away for you to obsess about all by yourself. That isn't healthy. I'm glad that you are beginning to be more open about it by speaking about it online. Next step is to address it face to face.

 

And, as so many of the others have said, he chose you. You are his focus now, and he wants to spend his life with YOU. I don't know what your relationship with your sister is like, or how this may effect how you view yourself (have you always seen her as more beautiful/outgoing/accomplished, etc, etc than yourself? If so, this could have a massive impact on how this occurrence has impacted you), but remember who he chose in the end.

[Ariel85]

I wish people would stop focussing on the fact that this was before we were together and before our marriage.

 

But this is a huge part of the story, hon. If this is something you found out after you got married, then yes, I can see why you'd be upset and tweaked. But, knowing about this years ago means that there was a time and place to settle this, and it should have been years ago before you married him. Did you ever tell your husband that this bothered you? Or have you always been hiding it?

 

The only way to reconcile this, IMO, is for you to work it out on your own. It's not your husbands problem, nor is it your sisters. Neither did this purposely to hurt you, or upset you. When they had their one-nighter, I'm sure a future wasn't on the radar for either of them. I think if you bring this up to both of them, you're going to open a can of worms, and then holidays really WILL be difficult, as then you will make it uncomfortable for all three of you.

 

I vote for individual counseling to work out why this whole thing makes you so insecure. I think it's best you still keep this to yourself, as you don't want to make your problem one for your marriage.

 

Separately, I'd be comforted knowing it was my husband who told me the truth. Shows that he really has your back, and was sensitive to your feelings on the topic. For me, that would be enough...

[Capricorn3]

OP: This may be a dumb question, but: Do you maybe subconsciously think or feel there's a possibility that they still see each other behind the scenes? Do you trust her? Do you trust him? I only ask because I can understand you feel the way you do IF you feel there is still something going on between them and don't trust them. Maybe that's why it bothers you to this extent.

[agent1607307371]

OP, do you think that your sister deliberately went after him, knowing that you were interested, and that she already had a bf?

 

Is your relationship with her competetive? You say you share a social circle, but do you have any parts of your life that are purely your own? Do you think it could be the fact that you are twins, and while you thought only you had this man you've found out that you've still had to share him with your sister, maybe?

[Ksush]

Well, I gave you a tip earlier - why not try that?

 

Trust me! I plan on substituting images the next time I am overwhelmed... I think it's a great idea!

[Ksush]

Let's see if I can keep up! Giubilante, thank you for the understanding, sincere, and helpful reply.

 

But this is a huge part of the story, hon. If this is something you found out after you got married, then yes, I can see why you'd be upset and tweaked. But, knowing about this years ago means that there was a time and place to settle this, and it should have been years ago before you married him. Did you ever tell your husband that this bothered you? Or have you always been hiding it?

 

 

He was aware that it bothered me when we first dicussed this a couple of years ago. Once he told me everything, I understood better and thought I could forget about it. He does not know it's still bothering me, I am pretty good and bottleing emotions.

 

OP: This may be a dumb question, but: Do you maybe subconsciously think or feel there's a possibility that they still see each other behind the scenes? Do you trust her? Do you trust him? I only ask because I can understand you feel the way you do IF you feel there is still something going on between them and don't trust them. Maybe that's why it bothers you to this extent.

 

No, I don't consciously or subconsciously feel they still see eachother. My husband is 100% faithful and has never given me reason to doubt it. I trust him completely. The problem is that is was with my twin sister...I can't seem to get over it.

 

OP, do you think that your sister deliberately went after him, knowing that you were interested, and that she already had a bf?

 

Is your relationship with her competetive? You say you share a social circle, but do you have any parts of your life that are purely your own? Do you think it could be the fact that you are twins, and while you thought only you had this man you've found out that you've still had to share him with your sister, maybe?

 

Yes, I believe that is EXACTLY what she did. She's always been very competetive with me. Growing up she went thru an awkward phase where she cut her hair very short and everyone thought she was a boy. Needless to say, that messed with her dating in high school. I've always been more social and had boyfriends, where she didn't. She's done a lot of risky things and is still currently doing it (numerous sex partners, older men, married men, co workers, etc etc) I think it might be to make up for the lack of attention earlier in life?! I don't know. It wasn't until I expressed my concerns with her always trying to compete and ruin my hapiness with my husband, that he then told me what happened. So yes, I believe she did this to spoil my chances with him. Yes, I know part of the problem is he's my husband...my sister should not know intimate details about him. Know what I mean? It's weird knowing we've both been with the same man.

[chitown9]

 

 

 

my sister should not know intimate details about him. Know what I mean? It's weird knowing we've both been with the same man.

 

The thing is, I doubt that she really remembers the intimate details. It occurred several years ago and it sounds like she has been with several men since then. The most that she probably remembers about it is that it did happen,

 

I do think that your sister pursued him because she knew you were interested in him. I was in a similar situation in high school in which my best friend did not date and I did. She did not tell me until years later that she envied me. I thought nothing of it at the time. She chased after a boyfriend I had at the time and she knew how much he meant to me. There was something psyhcologically satisfying for her to get attention from my boyfriend, unknown to me at the time. Somehow, it must have made her feel better if she thought that she could attract my boyfriend. I never knew that she and I were in competition. I thought she was my best friend.....

[Ksush]

You may be right...she might not even remember details.

 

Sorry to hear about what happened with your friend. I'll never understand why people (friends or siblings) do that crap. I know it hurts more because your friend was someone close to you, someone you should trust.

[lavenderdove]

OK, you need to put this in perspective... it was maybe an hour, how many years ago? And before you got together?

 

He may have been more part of her promiscuity and risk taking phase rather than trying to stick it to you. And they didn't pursue a relationship after that did they? And young people do all kinds of stupid things without thinking... Maybe he was just really horny that night, had no GF and it was being offered to him so he took her up on it as he might have with someone else if it hadn't been her...

 

so you're blowing this up into a 'competition' thing when it was more likely just one hour of uninvolved sex between a couple of single people when the opportunity presented itself.

 

But he ended up with you so obviously you mean something to him and she doesn't.

 

One can focus on any event in the past and obsess about it, but you need to ask yourself how this will benefit you at all if you don't think he will cheat and is a wonderful husband now... Are you going to let your ego interfere with your current happiness (i.e., he slept with my sister, how dare he!). There are doctors out there who have seen your husband's anatomy, as well as every guy at the gym where he showers, and his own mother when he was a kid, and former girlfriends of his, and you're not bent out of shape about them. are you?

 

So i think you also have some competitive feelings towards your sister that you are not acknowledging though you claim it is her problem, and it is torquing you that she had a one night stand with your husband before you even dated (as in, she got there first). You don't know her motives, which frankly considering they were single at the time and you weren't even dating him, competition seems a far fetched idea here and it has more to do with her desire to sleep with any and all men for some reason.

 

So who is going to be the bigger person here, hopefully you? So what if she slept with him once years ago... it is kind of pathetic that she would be sleeping around with all these guys she doesn't really know or who are risky for her, and as her sister i'd be more worried about her than jealous of her. I'd honestly feel sorry for her under the circustances because she is obviously doing things that aren't healthy for her and sleeping with any guy who will have her. Your husband is just one in a long parade of men she has slept with so you shouldn't take it so personally given the circumstance that you and your husband weren't even together at the time and he was just another notch on her belt.

 

You can't undo the past and don't let it dominate your present if your present with your husband is great in every other area. Is it really worth wrecking a good marriage over, to be jealous that your sister had a one night stand with him before you even went out? She didn't really betray you since he wasn't 'yours', even if you went on to be with him later.

[agent1607307371]

Lavenderdove - her sister had a bf. That, I think is what makes the difference.

 

OP, you have to start focussing on all the parts of your husband that you don't share. He had sex before, it does't give your sister any special status that he did with her. He's never (I assume) had a wife before, he's never shared his life like he does with you. That's whats special.

 

As for your sister, you just have to take comfort in the fact that you're not the evil twin She's a sad person OP, don't let her turn you into one also.

[lavenderdove]

So what if the sister had a BF? She sleeps with married men, co-workers, anyone... she doesn't respect anyone else's boundaries, her sister's, her BF, married men's wives or anyone else.

 

So it is probably more about her promiscuity issues and need to control men with sex or prove her attractiveness to herself than anything.