Desperately needing advice. Husband slept with my sister before we were dating.

[Ksush]

Okay, some background..... My husband and I got married a few months ago after dating for 3 1/2 years. About 2 years into the relationship he confessed to having sex with my sister, just once, prior to us dating.

 

Let's go back to that night... Before dating my now husband, my sister and I shared an apartment. I was sort in an on again off again relationship with someone for 10 months...nothing serious. She was also dating someone. We have the same group of friends and know a lot of the same people. During this time, I started becomming interested in my now husband, we'll call him "Tom", and he was interested in me. Things with the guy I was dating were rocky and not going well. There was an event in the city we lived in, and had invited a bunch of friends over so we could all attend. Along with mutual friends, Tom, my then boyfriend, and my sister's then boyfriend attended. Long story short.... after the event I went to bed. That night after my sister's boyfriend left, her and Tom had sex. I tried to ask her about it...but she denied it. I always suspected they did in fact have sex. 2 months later, Tom and I started dating. I always wanted to ask him about that night but felt that is wasn't my business since we were not together.

 

Two years later he confessed to it. We had started to talk about marriage and he didn't want this one night to come to my attention from anyone but him. I was devastated, hurt, confused, disgusted, you name it. We spent about 2 weeks dealing with this. He says he has no idea why he did it. He wasn't drunk, he wasn't interested in her, he just has no idea why. After getting some answers, I thought I could handle this. I am now thinking I was wrong.

 

Tom is an amazing man. Our relationship is perfect. We never fight. He supports me in everything I do. He's my best friend. I love and trust him beyond belief...but...in the corner of my mind is that night. I feel like maybe I chose to ignore what happened due to past abusive relationships. I finally found a decent man, and I feel like I chose to accept this because he is the first "good guy" I've ever met.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I even allowed to have feeling about this? Seeing that is was BEFORE we even dated....but she is my SISTER! Had this happened with anyone else, I'd be okay with it...but again, it was my sister. At family gatherings I am uncomfortable..but again I chose to accept this. Please...anyone have advice?

 

Thanks.

[offplanet]

It wouldn't bother me, if it was me, as it was before you were dating, so why not? I don't see why it had to be a 'confession', as if it was somehow wrong? It's not like he cheated on you. Also, it was only a one night stand, not an emotional thing. He said he wasn't even interested in her. I honestly can't see any big deal in it. On the other hand, that doesn't mean you're wrong to feel anything about it. It's just that if it was me, I wouldn't. I do think it'd be wrong to let this blow up into such a huge thing in your imagination that it spoils your marriage. He hasn't done anything wrong to you! He shouldn't even have to explain why he did it! Except for the fact that she had a bf at the time, it was a completely normal thing for him to do. Is it the fact that he slept with someone who had a bf you think makes him not as decent as you thought? Or is it that it was your sister? I don't really see what the problem is. I'm afraid you're going to make it into a problem when it should not be. This is nothing to be 'desperate' about. Desperate is if he cheated on you while you were together. Calm down!

[figur]

"We have the same group of friends and know a lot of the same people."

 

In this situation it seems more like he slept with your friend. The sister part doesn't really matter. Sure, I see the awkwardness, but just one time? They never did it again and people sometimes just sleep with someone they aren't that interested in.

 

Does your sister know you know? You should try to have a discussion with her about it, but honestly, if you've never suspected anything has been going on between them since you two got together, I think you will really need to put this behind you.

[donpeel83]

Well, personally, I can understand why you might feel freaked out but ultimatley the two of you were not together at the time and because of this I dont personally feel anything has been done wrong as such. Youve said yourself TOM is an amazing man and he loves you. The thing with your sister was clearly a one off. He obviously loves you and this is an event that happened nearly 4 years ago?? You need to address these issues you have relating to this before it turns super negative and starts ripping your family apart

[DN]

ou chose to marry him knowing this so you need to let this go. You can't help how you feel but you can help how you deal with the feelings.

[Ksush]

Thank you to both of you. I know I should calm down and forget about it, it was one night and BEFORE we were together. The only issues is that it was with my sister. I don't know if it matters...but we are twins. I know everyone has a sexual past...I've done many things I am not proud of and also have had meaningless sex with people I wasn't all that into. I just can't get past the sister thing. My husband and I don't talk about this....but it secretly eats at me. I am afraid I'll turn this into something bigger, just like Offplanet said... I guess that's why I said I am desperate.

 

Could you guys seriously have a family gathering and not feel odd about it?

[Ksush]

ou chose to marry him knowing this so you need to let this go. You can't help how you feel but you can help how you deal with the feelings.

 

I don't know how to deall with the feelings..that's my problem

[diamond78]

Ksush,

 

I understand what you're feeling because you and your sister slept with the same man. I know that makes you feel very uncomfortable and pretty weirded out. I would feel the same way (and I am so grateful I don't have a sister where I would have to be in a situation like that).

 

I think it would be a lot easier for you to get over if it was just simply a friend, but it being your sister kinda puts a big stigma on it and I'm sure the mental imagery doesn't help matters as well.

 

I will say this, hopefully this is something that will go away through time. I do not advise you to jeopardize your good relationship with your husband beause of what happened as it is not something you should break up over. Your husband is your best friend and that is not something to take lightly or to just toss away. I know you feel uncomfortable now, but I think you would ultimately regret letting this take ahold of you and end up destroying what you have with your husband.

 

I don't normally just recommend therapy, but I think maybe having someone to talk to about these feelings and working through them would be beneficial to you.

[lonelyheart2]

I think I'd be more upset that my sister lied to me than the fact my husband slept with her before we were dating...but that's just me, my sister and I are very close and I would be really hurt if after all that time that I was with my husband she had been keeping that secret from me...I would feel weird about it, but I am sure you two will be able to get past it

[figur]

I agree with a poster above, short term therapy may be very helpful, either for just you or both you and your husband. There you can discuss your feelings in a safe place.

 

I think this is something that you can work past if you just find the assistance you need.

[donpeel83]

I agree with a poster above, short term therapy may be very helpful, either for just you or both you and your husband. There you can discuss your feelings in a safe place.

 

I think this is something that you can work past if you just find the assistance you need.

 

Personally i dont think the husband needs therapy or has any issues from the sounds of things. This boils down to the OP needing to address this insecurirty and working to get past for the sake of her marriage. If she cant or wont then I fear it might be like a snow ball and get bigger and bigger as time goes on.

[DN]

I also don't think it is a good idea to suggest therapy for both because that strongly implies that your husband has done something wrong and that will place extra strain on the marriage. This is something you need to deal with on your own.

[Ksush]

Personally i dont think the husband needs therapy or has any issues from the sounds of things. This boils down to the OP needing to address this insecurirty and working to get past for the sake of her marriage. If she cant or wont then I fear it might be like a snow ball and get bigger and bigger as time goes on.

 

Yes, I agree with you. I know all of this is my personal issue. He feels bad that his actions has caused such pain and I don't even feel that is necessary...this was afterall before we dated.

 

Someone mentioned my sister lying to me.... Yes, my sister and I have since discussed the events..but that isn't my problem. My issue is the weirdness, the taboo, the mental images of my sister and now husband having sex. I am having trouble with that aspect, even though I knew about it before marriage. I guess I felt like I'd get over it...but as of yet, I haven't. Like Donpeel83 said, I am afraid it will snow ball....

[Seraphim]

How about concentrating on the bold part above and not worry about a night long ago before he was yours. Why throw something like that away? Really, it is a choice.

[DN]

Begin a mind discipline program of substituting a different image, one that is unrelated and happy, whenever that disturbing image enters you mind.

[Ksush]

How about concentrating on the bold part above and not worry about a night long ago before he was yours. Why throw something like that away? Really, it is a choice.

 

Absolutely it's a choice. I chose to accept this one night before we were a couple. My problem is getting over it... I thought I could do it on my own. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[annie24]

Absolutely it's a choice. I chose to accept this one night before we were a couple. My problem is getting over it... I thought I could do it on my own. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

 

What are your options here? Accept it or divorce him. Really, that's what you have to choose from. It happened years ago, before you even started dating. You can't change the past, you can't unring a bell. you can sit and worry and think about it all day and night, but you cant change what happened. Honestly, I would just stop dwelling on it, stop thinking about it, chalk it up to one drunken night between them and move forward. I don't think things need to be awkward forever. It's been 4 years. like someone else said, why rip apart your relationships over it? I agree with replacing those thoughts or chasing them away with happier images. ie - instead of picturing your sis and hubby in bed, why don't you picture some lovely memories of you and your husband together?

[Seraphim]

Do you have anyone like a trusted friend who is not a friend with your sister or even know your sister? Do you have any counseling offered through work? Some work places offer this. Do you have a pastor or anything like that? Definitely you have to address it but with in yourself. Really he did nothing wrong. I would REALLY try not to give up something wonderful though like a great marriage and a relationship with a sibling.

[annie24]

in some of my yoga classes, we're taught to sit quietly and meditate. they tell us if a thought enters our head, to not hold onto it, but to let it go, like a cloud passing through in the sky. if the thought of your hubby and sis enters your head, let it go by as well.

[Seraphim]

in some of my yoga classes, we're taught to sit quietly and meditate. they tell us if a thought enters our head, to not hold onto it, but to let it go, like a cloud passing through in the sky. if the thought of your hubby and sis enters your head, let it go by as well.

 

Yes, thoughts are a choice too. Bad ones come to mind get rid of them with good ones.

[Ksush]

Do you have anyone like a trusted friend who is not a friend with your sister or even know your sister? Do you have any counseling offered through work? Some work places offer this. Do you have a pastor or anything like that? Definitely you have to address it but with in yourself. Really he did nothing wrong. I would REALLY try not to give up something wonderful though like a great marriage and a relationship with a sibling.

 

I know he didn't do anything wrong. I know this was BEFORE our relationship. I know I chose to accept this. I am here for advice because I am struggling with accepting it. No, I don't have any other friends that don't know her. My sister and I are twins, so needless to say we are very close and know all the same people.

 

Giving up or divorce is not something I am even considering.

 

I guess I'd just like to people here to imagine themselves at a family gathering with their spouse, and then picture your sister/brother there also, who has had sex with your spouse. Would that be awkward? Would you feel weird if they had a conversation? Would images fill your mind? If so, how would you deal with those feelings. That's the advice I'd like.

[Ksush]

in some of my yoga classes, we're taught to sit quietly and meditate. they tell us if a thought enters our head, to not hold onto it, but to let it go, like a cloud passing through in the sky. if the thought of your hubby and sis enters your head, let it go by as well.

 

I'm going to try that...thank you

[Seraphim]

I am sure it would be uncomfortable. I am not sure what would be in my mind. How I would deal with those feelings is to go find someone to talk to so I felt better about it because I would not want to give up a great marriage or a relationship with my sibling. I guess I can not imagine it in really great depth because I do not have a sister, only a brother. I know it is difficult for you but I would not let this continue to fester. Even if you have to find a therapist to talk to I would do it.

[Ksush]

I am sure it would be uncomfortable. I am not sure what would be in my mind. How I would deal with those feelings is to go find someone to talk to so I felt better about it because I would not want to give up a great marriage or a relationship with my sibling. I guess I can not imagine it in really great depth because I do not have a sister, only a brother. I know it is difficult for you but I would not let this continue to fester. Even if you have to find a therapist to talk to I would do it.

 

Yes, this is the first time I've ever talked to anyone about this. I thought I'd try the internet first...see if it helps...if not, search for a therapist. The thought of talking face to face with someone scares me....hiding behind a computer is so much easier! :shame:

[annie24]

The good news is that he had sex with your twin sister, which means that you are his type!! it's not like he had sex with a woman who looks totally unlike you and you are sitting around wondering "does he really prefer such and such type of woman?"

 

the therapy i think would be good for learning how to let go of thoughts (like i said, clouds passing in the sky, leaves floating by in a stream...) there's no point to dwell on the specifics of what happened in therapy, because i think that thinking about things/dwelling make them last longer and stay in your reality for longer. that's not what you want. you want to learn how to LET GO.