Seriously? - A slight dating rant from one of the ladies.

[laura-j]

My life seems to be a wonderful series of 'men' who show up, show interest and disappear the minute I like em back. (And no I don't sleep with guys too soon, or at all).

 

5 for 5 this year. Cracks me up. The minute I decided I like them and I don't even tell them that I like them, they just poof disappear. One guy I was dating for a few months rather seriously, I texted a friend and said I was going to go with it, I had been unsure. I didn't hear from the dude again for 2 effing months! Kissed me goodbye said he'd call tomorrow... then two months???

 

I play it cool, I don't contact, I don't pester, I don't do anything. Cause that's what women are supposed to do. Nothing wait for the men to do whatever they like and not say anything at all, right? Smile coyly if they talk to us? But don't let them know you like them... good god no, if you were to dare to tell someone you like them the world would end. And then when they show up again we aren't even allowed to tell them that they are idiots. Be polite, of course, be a lady. I'll act like a lady when the boys start acting like freaking men!

 

I'm a grown woman, I own my own house, I've traveled the world alone to 17 countries, I make good money, I'm fun, cute and curvy and even though I'm 41 I still get carded all the time. For an old broad I'd be considered a "catch" in some cultures... sadly not my own. I would love to be treated with a tiny bit of respect by someone with a penis, just once. Man up. Say "Hey I'm not interested". Done. Easy. SO appreciated.

 

I'm sorry but the whole new rules of the game are BS. What ever happened to, "Hey I like you let's go get a drink?"... not no more, it's all games and hiding behind computers and cell phones and fake names and ugh....

 

Time to stop dating all together I think, my little heart can't take the constant battery. And frankly if a nice one showed up I wouldn't believe him for a second at this point. Not for a second.

 

Jeez I'm over this.

 

Sorry for the rant, but good lord this has been an annoying year.

[Melting]

Trust me you are not alone...... I hear your every word. My confidence level is at its lowest, due to men I have had in my life these past couple of years.

 

I still live in hope there is a decent one out there, but my insecurities would be high!

[LaKings55]

Funny, similar experience to my own, just reversed. Seems like I find women with emotional issues, parental issues, anxiety issues, etc, or ones that seem interested only if I act disinterested or I'm legitimately uninterested. The second I actually start to show some level of attraction or emotion towards them, they seem to bolt, even while I restrain myself from going overboard and becoming clingy. No more wearing my heart on my sleeve, been there, done that. Sure, I've had actual relationships, but it isn't lost on me that I see a whole lot of frustration in the dating world on both ends. I'm with you though, it would be far better if we all just actually communicated with one another. But no, at least in my generation it seems games are all the rage. So, what have I done? Basically given up on dating for the time being, focused on my career, travel and pursuing other interests. My life has a lot less drama in it. Do I believe all women in my age group are like this? Of curse not. Am I letting my bad experiences cloud my opinion? Sure. But, I can honestly say that I have no desire to date at all for the foreseeable future.

[EmotionalCreature]

Funny, similar experience to my own, just reversed.

 

Exactly in the same boat or at least a similar boat with you. I've been told by many young and older girls I'm quite attractive. Any female I have no interest in (yes I told them I wasn't interested) would try their best to hang around for weeks or months until they eventually give up.

 

Being someone that don't easily fall for anyone, when I do have feelings I have quite a lot of it. These ones though, seem to bolt faster than I can say let's go. To the OP, I think it's some sort vibe we give out to these prospects. Perhaps they like to play the game, either that or not believing in anything they get without having to work for it. That is a fair enough excuse, but not contacting you back is a little rude. I would expect one to have the grace to slowly fade away.

[OrangeMoon]

Wow..i have just posted a thread..but WOW! I hear ya..I hear ya..

 

But the thing is..it starts with women. Why have we women created so many men out there with zero communication skills? Why has 'not hurting someone' been given the same meaning as distancing or disappearing? . Its really frightening. On going through my own little episode and observing the object of my frustration. I have to realize that maybe i need to end the whole dating thing. Acting like a 'madonna' leaves you behind feelling like you are wasting some good years, acting like a ' * * * * * ' feels like you have just killed every chance of a thing leading into something. The in between..feels like an unattainable goal to me. I have tried them all..

 

So I give up Guess..

[Notagoodninja]

I so know how you feel!

[sadchick83]

I felt like I was reading a depiction of my own life!

 

Yes I find it very odd when a guy fully makes all the moves...I didn't even give this one my phone number after he drove up to me while jogging-- He found me on a social network a day later...made all the moves for a few weeks, then poof! Gone. He said last Sunday: Ill contact you early this week to make plans for the weekend, then vanished.

 

And, I cannot say this is an age thing. The older guys are playing worse games than the younger ones.

 

Laura, you are a few ahead of me...I purposely took 6 months off dating. Hid up at my Mom's summer home after my dad died....Yup, got picked up while jogging: no makeup, hair not washed for a few days...on an isolated road in the forest...He said he had seen me jogging all summer.

 

You are absolutely right, the last email I send was 3 paragraphs, not 3 sentences like I usually write, and that was enough to turn him off.

F!!!! I can't even pick up my stalker!!!

 

I don't want to say I am mad, but * * * ??

[LaKings55]

I think the general consensus is dating has become an exercise in frustration in today's society.

[laura-j]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear this is not just my thing. I'm also sorry to hear it is not just a men behaving badly thing. It makes me wonder if in the world of instant everything and social media that people just don't know how to interact anymore. I mean I remember the day when you had to be at home to get a phone call, or at least rush to your answering machine to see if anyone called. Now there is the texting, while great at times, it makes you feel so weird, cause you know they got it, everyone has their phone all the time, and you know it takes 30 seconds to respond.

 

No idea what the answer is. I'm gonna take some time off and get back on the pony next year. Cause I do want a solid relationship more than anything, with a solid, funny, fun stand up guy that I can share the adventure of life with. Good times/Bad times all that. I've been married twice so I know that I can fall in love and give my heart and share my life, but dang, this is harder than I ever thought it would be.

 

I need to shake it off, because I too don't believe it is all guys and I don't want to get bitter and lose my faith in love.

 

Thanks all for sharing your stories, and feel free to share more!

[Slimpee]

... not no more, it's all games and hiding behind computers and cell phones and fake names and ugh....

 

 

Am I the only one who is wondering what kind of guys you're dating who use fake names? Seriously?

[FathomFear]

I play it cool, I don't contact, I don't pester, I don't do anything. Cause that's what women are supposed to do. Nothing wait for the men to do whatever they like and not say anything at all, right? Smile coyly if they talk to us?

 

I can't speak as a straight guy unfortunately, but that routine would get really old fast. Who wants a quiet doormat who puts in no work? I would assert yourself and act how you want to behave vs. trying to abide by an imaginary set of rules which are clearly frustrating you and not working.

[Batya33]

Fake names -meaning a screen name on a dating site?

As you probably have read in some of my posts I am all for the man doing most of the asking,contacting in the beginning of dating - most, but not "all" (although the majority of the time in my experience although I showed interest, actively, in other ways, he -he meaning the men who were serious about me- did all of the asking out and contacting for at least the first month or so. It did work for me - I had some disappearing acts through on line dating sites (including one who kept popping up again at "interesting" times -in fact, he was most interested when he found out I had started dating my now husband seriously. LOL) but for the most part if I got past the second date or so most of the men were very reliable. I rarely text now, only got a cell phone when I was full term pregnant, and most of my contact with men who were new in my life were by phone, sometimes e-mail and IMing when we already knew each other fairly well. We sometimes made dates by email but it wasn't my preference.

 

Please don't let the unreliable/disappearing ones get to you. I was more proactive with my husband early on but that was because we knew each other very well and had dated seriously in the past. Before he asked me to get back together, I emailed him three times in 10 days where I didn't hear from him -we had gone out platonically twice and after the second time which was a wonderful evening we emailed a little and then silence on his side. The first two emails were "excuses" and the third was "I am numb from the dentist which is why I'm not calling (true) and I wanted to know if I did anything to offend you since I haven't heard from you" (not true -I doubted I had offended him). Received a response within the hour to the effect of sorry, been buried under work, will call you Tuesday to make plans. And he did. Was it true that it was all about work? Maybe, maybe not -it was a decision time for both of us as to whether our platonic evenings had potential to be more. I never really asked him because the next time we saw each other he asked me to get back together with him. I do not regret contacting him three times but I doubt it made a difference - I bet he would have called anyway - and I might have regretted it if he was new in my life.

I do think being entirely passive isn't the way to go -show him you're interested when you talk to him and see him, offer to help him with his resume, or something similar (with one guy, I offered to go with him to visit his grandmother who was very ill -I could tell it was so hard for him to go alone and I offered and gave him a huge out of course if that wasn't appropriate- he accepted and I think he really appreciated it). If he takes you out 4 or 5 times plan the next date -get tickets to something or tell him you'll pack a picnic and take him to your favorite picnic spot. Something where it's romantic but not overwhelmingly so and where it takes more creativity than $. JMHO (I was 42 when I got married by the way).

[EmmaB78]

sadchick -"I can't even pick up my stalker!" - that cracked me up!

 

Also, this happened to me recently - some dude breathing down my neck for a month and a half, I finally show interest, he suddenly "doesn't want a relationship." He was at my place at the time - wanted to hang out so badly that he asked if he could come over even though I told him I was going to be cleaning for a few hours. Nice, sweet, normal the whole time, we started chatting about the usual things, I finally brought up the fact that he'd been wanting to date me, and I thought I might be ready, then he said that relationship thing. I told him to get the F out of my apartment and not come back. Probably pretty harsh, but don't chase me for almost two months and then immediately back out the second you "catch" me. I'm not a damn sporting event - I'm a human being.

[90_hour_sleep]

i'd wonder why i was attracting a consistent pattern of disappointment into my life. there's something to it. one common denominator.

[laura-j]

Am I the only one who is wondering what kind of guys you're dating who use fake names? Seriously?

 

Fake names refers to dating site handles, god I hope they aren't using fake names in real life! hahaha.

[laura-j]

I do think being entirely passive isn't the way to go -show him you're interested when you talk to him and see him JMHO (I was 42 when I got married by the way).

 

I like the end of your story a lot! I'm not really passive, I just get that advice a lot. The latest one I'm gonna let go, if he calls he calls if he doesn't he doesn't. It was the straw that broke this camel's back. I just need to take the rest of the year off. Maybe plan a little vacation or something.

[Day_Walker]

The nature of dating is that it is filled with uncertainty and the OP is seeing the effects of that. I think that you shouldnt have the expectation that men will express themselves and their intentions or when they dont want to associate with you anymore. Dating is not about finding answers, its about sorting through the people that do not have long term potential and finding those who do have long term potential.

[Blue Spiral]

There are a lot of people who, on a subconscious level, don't want a relationship, but think they do--or feel societal pressure and go through the motions. From what I've heard, dating is usually problematic, so this works well for them: it's a built-in and believable excuse. It doesn't look weird when things don't work out. But when things work out very quickly, they have to vanish.

 

There are a lot of people (like me) who just want sex and/or personal independence, and will vanish if we feel the Chains of Monogamy slowly closing around us. I'm ethical enough that I don't bother relationship-seeking women, but some people (usually men) pretend to want a relationship in order to get laid.

 

And finally, there are a lot of people (also like me) that are generally very mood-swing-y and flaky. Humans are fickle creatures. Today, we care about something; tomorrow, maybe not. I once had a love interest freak out because I wasn't contacting her, she was convinced I hated her or was with some other girl; in truth, a new video game had just come out, and I played it all weekend. I'm very up-and-down, and my interest in people and things fluctuates wildly. Unfortunately, most people tend towards egocentrism, and think that the other person's actions have something to do with them.

[pl3asehelp]

Not everyone plays according to these stupid rules. In fact, maybe the fact that you are is why you are having trouble. I certainly don't play by these rules and I would avoid like the plague anyone who does. If you and I went on a date and you didn't call for days afterwords I would assume you didn't enjoy the date and that I should move on.

 

You're choosing this. If you like a man, you need to tell him so. You need to contact him. If you're waiting on a man to do all the work, I'm not surprised at all that you've having a hard time.

[Stay_home]

I really don't exert a lot of energy & emotion into dating, because I'll be honest with you it really just isn't worth the dance. I'm not what you would call a very traditional type guy anyway. I don't believe in always paying for my date and shelling out my hard-earned cash for somebody who's just looking to cashout on a meal ticket. You have to pull your own weight too. I'm only going to call if I know I'm getting a phone call back and I ain't going to cater to you just because every other guy has. I'm not going to chase you, ask you out repeatedly or play stupid games in an attempt to prove myself to you.

 

I've just learned unfortunately from within my dating experiences (and I've dated tons of women) that unless you've met or already have someone who's got it together it's a waste of time and money. Too many people want something for nothing; they don't want to do the self-work but expect that a new relationship or marriage is magic wand stroke that'll fix everything. So they're expectations are like heroin addicts' veins; completely fried out and lost. And if it's not that, then it's the fact that there's so much baggage and drama that's tying them down that they've got years upon YEARS before they've reached the level of self-discovery and reflection. It's about becoming the right person to date and not always about finding the right one.

[laura-j]

Not everyone plays according to these stupid rules. In fact, maybe the fact that you are is why you are having trouble. I certainly don't play by these rules and I would avoid like the plague anyone who does. If you and I went on a date and you didn't call for days afterwords I would assume you didn't enjoy the date and that I should move on.

 

You're choosing this. If you like a man, you need to tell him so. You need to contact him. If you're waiting on a man to do all the work, I'm not surprised at all that you've having a hard time.

 

Actually I don't really play by the rules, I was being sarcastic. I'm very open and honest with people. I didn't get a chance to tell these dudes how I felt because they disappeared... not returning my calls or offers to get together. Then they come back months later, it's weird.

 

I'm sure I have a part in this, which I think may be the type of men I pick.

[laura-j]

I'm not traditional at all. So I have a hard time with some of the dance for sure. It is my nature to just call someone I like, it's my nature to pay for a date even though I'm the lady, if I feel like it, I never expect anyone to pull my weight, just theirs. Which I think is fair. The rules of men/women have changed thank god, but I think we are all having some growing pains figuring out the new way.

 

I actually feel awkward if a guy offers to pay for dinner on the first date, I don't feel like I got dressed up so they owe me dinner or anything. I'm working on it.

[Stay_home]

I'm not traditional at all. So I have a hard time with some of the dance for sure. It is my nature to just call someone I like, it's my nature to pay for a date even though I'm the lady, if I feel like it, I never expect anyone to pull my weight, just theirs. Which I think is fair. The rules of men/women have changed thank god, but I think we are all having some growing pains figuring out the new way.

 

I actually feel awkward if a guy offers to pay for dinner on the first date, I don't feel like I got dressed up so they owe me dinner or anything. I'm working on it.

 

But see you're mature, you understand all of that. There aren't many women around my age these days that really get the message.

[Batya33]

Actually I don't really play by the rules, I was being sarcastic. I'm very open and honest with people. I didn't get a chance to tell these dudes how I felt because they disappeared... not returning my calls or offers to get together. Then they come back months later, it's weird.

 

I'm sure I have a part in this, which I think may be the type of men I pick.

 

 

I've met many women (not saying you are like this at all!) who claim they are asking out a man/pursuing him aggressively because they believe in being "open and honest" but it's obvious they are behaving that way because they are insecure and lying to themselves (meaning that they really want the guy to do the asking out, they hate having to do the pursuing, and it's an easy excuse to cloak the behavior in "openness and honesty"). For me what worked was being open relative to the situation -how well I knew the guy, whether I thought he would be comfortable with my sharing my feelings at that time, whether he was more comfortable doing more of the asking out/calling. I was comfortable with the guy doing more of the asking out /calling before we were serious even though I was perfectly capable of asking him out, not too scared of rejection - I had done it before, several times - but I felt more comfortable dating traditional guys than otherwise (not because it was less work -it was just as much "work") and they felt more comfortable doing more of the asking out. It was open, honest, and worked well for me. It sound like you are comfortable asking men out and wouldn't be comfortable with a guy who was more traditional. It's all good. As far as disappearing - I've had that happen too just not the majority of the time.

[Ariel85]

I'm sure I have a part in this, which I think may be the type of men I pick.

 

Bingo! I think if you really do some more soul-searching, you'll realize this is the problem, and not a matter of bad luck or all men being bad. It's that you are picking guys who are wrong from the start, so if you start with spoiled meat, no matter how closely you follow a recipe, you're still going to end up with a crappy dish.