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OrangeMoon

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Everything posted by OrangeMoon

  1. It has been 4 weeks sinds i have last seen him and 2 weeks sinds my final email. This week has been good and tough. Good: realised more about the relationship, he is not on a pedestal anymore, but i still love him. It showed me that my love is still pure and unconditional. I loved that about me. I realised what an amazing woman i am to be able to love so deeply... Next i realised all the positive things this relationship had given me for my personal growth. Whether we would find each other again or not in the future..the ending made me deal with all my demons and past rels.. i am not going to make this ending my ghost story for a new rels. That why i am going through all of the grieving with eyes wide open..I am telling you..when i am done..i will be DONE. I have not once felt the urge to email or call...felt so proud...i am sooo on the right track here. tough: because we were in a lDR..and ever since the break up, there has not been more than 4 weeks that we did not see each other. I felt the hurt of that cycle come back. I missed him..i wondered if he had the same. But i feel allright now..i made it through with the help of my dear friend and ENA. I know i can only win from this. But i still do stupid things: like practising in my head what i would say if he would call, how many days i would wait before answering and all of that crap hahaha...so i still have a long way to go haha
  2. Today was a bad day i noticed. I have been reading so many posts this week on ENA..almost as if i was addicted. When time passed i could feel me getting stronger here and there reading about so many stories and insights. Today was a bad day, because i started a ' ready for love' -course. With all the things i have been doing the last few months i realised that i had a lot of issues to overcome..and starting this NC was all about getting ME back. So starting this course brought out a lot of pain and new insights. Got i have so much work to do...i really handled a lot of things wrong..totally lost me.. I could not kill the urge to go to a website i knew my ex had been on 1,5 month after we split up. Well..it so happened he was online. I looked at his picture...i looked at him almost without any feelings...no secretly maybe a bit happy even..Him being there means that he is not in a commited rels ship yet and still just browsing or flirting..and this 3 months later.. But i promised myself not to go there again. it is my last time. Dont want to see him having been offline for a few weeks or so. I just notice that it is hard to keep myself positively occupied with other stuff..i need a new hobby..but what?..I have always put someone else in the middle of my world..and now that there is just me..i dont know what to do... The answer will come i guess..... learning and growings s**ks..can i have the finished product right now please But there's one important insight i have realised this week. I have been acting like a ' girl' and not a ' woman' . Having had a real selfish, basic need fullfilling, seeking temporary fixes, fear controlled way of living....and me not letting go has been the ultimate proof of that.. On to week 2..see what i will learn there..
  3. As of today i am starting my Final NC now.. I hope i will be able to get where i should. Bye, Broken34
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