I don't understand the whole having kids thing

[blueidealist24]

I kind of understand what you mean. I know it's people's right to have kids, but when you see a family on welfare with 4-5 kids and none of them can afford to go to college, it's pretty sad. If you're not financially stable you should probably at least 'limit' yourself to 1-2 kids.

[Princess123]

Fudgie I seriously don't know where you got your information from. I'm not married. I think you completely got the wrong idea off my other thread...

 

Thanks everyone, that helped me out a lot. A very great deal. I thought as autumnrose said that it's more like people around me saying that it's natural to have that need. It's very refreshing and great to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way!

 

Thanks that thread did help greatly autumnrose. Especially someone saying there is no in between. I really do believe that. There is no maybe in my thoughts. I have been certain to not want them since I could remember. It's just not in me because I know I want other things out of life. Like most people know they want the whole family and kids thing. I want a different path in life. I want to travel and open a business one day. That is what has been on my mind, not kids. I don't see kids in any part of that.

 

It was hard on me recently because I met such a wonderful guy who had every quality I could ever want in a man. Just one catch, he wanted kids. He did think I might change my mind, I really know I more than likely won't. It had to be a grown up decision to not let him get involved with me and pass time by with someone who doesn't see the same future.

 

I really needed to hear that it wasn't just me who feels this way. Thank you everyone for your thoughts!

 

That financially stable thing is just something that shocks me. I know someone who isn't a millionaire could provide just as good as someone who is. It will just be the materialistic things they can offer. I really don't know why I said that much except that I see so many people who don't want kids and end up having them because they didn't use protection. The amount of kids who come into a home where they aren't entirely wanted or have even the necessary things in life. That sucks and I hate hearing or seeing that.

 

Dating thing I rather date someone childless. But that would be conflicting. Great because most men I suppose do want them and the man wouldn't really have too much of a need for more (better possibility). If he does have kids and doesn't see them much then you could see sort of how he is. He may not be a good parent and that could be a complete turn off. Or he may be too involved and it would be too much for me. I think dating would be tough. There is also that most moms have custody and the men pay a chunk of their paychecks on the kids. That would turn him into a always wanting to be at home and if even I have the money to travel or want to move to another state that couldn't really happen because he is tied to his kids. As of right now I'm just going to cool on it until I can figure that part out a bit better.

 

Heck I have a long term birth control plan that is how sure I am.

[Fudgie]

Oops I think I did. I apologize.

[Batya33]

One of my dear friends travels a lot, has her own really cool business, and has a grown son. She worked and traveled less when he was young but I think one reason they stopped at one was because they wanted to be able to travel/work etc. She didn't have her own business until he was a teenager but before that it wouldn't have been as successful since she needed to get her experience in other ways before embarking on her own business. I wouldn't use that as a main excuse. The not wanting to be a parent -totally understandable and valid of course!

[Princess123]

I swear things just always revolve around MONEY. Things are always easier when you have it.

 

I don't want to be a parent. The whole money issue kicks in because that is like a side effect you could say of having a child. I agree valid choice to not have children, besides that I think to myself and see all these reasons why I wouldn't.

[Fudgie]

It IS really hard to travel when you have children, especially when you want to go to exotic places that may not necessarily be "kid friendly" and all that safe.

 

I think in these economic times, money is a great reason not to have children. I don't think it makes that person "selfish". some people think it's just about the flat screen TV or other things, but it's not that at all. I would like to start saving up for retirement (20% a year) once I get a steady job/career and not have children. I see myself living rather cheaply regardless with some traveling mixed in. I don't think doing so makes me selfish, in fact, I think it means that I am NOT selfish, because I am saving up for myself so that someone else doesn't have to pay for ME when I'm old.

[Whimsey6]

The thing that nobody tells you is, it's okay to not want kids. Many people don't. It's a choice, and much more widely accepted today than when I was younger. Be who you are, and good for you!

[Lonewing]

Materialistic planning relaly has literlaly nothing to do with having kids, it literally comes down to a functional man, a fertile woman, and sex=true. That's literally it.

 

From there you give your kids what you can. And your kids learn to deal with the frustrations of being poor. And they learn that possessions, material things, extravagent vacations aren't everything in life - it's more about the finer things like good food and holidays. And all that takes, literally, is mom and dad keeping a positive household.

 

Kids aren't a justification. They're a proliferation. Once you have them, well, it's pretty much up to the parents how things go.

 

I'll say this much. My aunt was a pretty depressed for much of her life. That was before her grandbabies showed up. She may still suffer from depression, but she looks a lot happier now that they are in her life. And her grandbabies are two very adorable little girls - well behaved, precocious, sweeter than youc ould ever imagine. My cousin their mother is also kept quite elevated by their presence.

 

Honestly, though, how CAN one be sad in teh presense of kids? Even if you're sad, they want to watch a movie, so you pop in their new favorite [hmmm, Cars? Cars 2? Finding Nemo?] and suddenly you're realizing this little kids' movie, with all it's flash and glam, actually has a deeper uplifting message to it, that you never would have thought to watch had it not been for the grandbabies.

 

Life takes on a new meaning...

 

And have you ever heard a parent lament, "I buy him all these shiny toys and he's off having more fun with that stick than he's had with everything I've ever bought him..." Seriously, don't let the magazines and the commercials tell you what you need to raise happy, healthy, polite children!

[Fudgie]

On the contrary, Lonewing, I've seen my mother get depression and saw my parents' marriage blow into pieces (they are still together) with the birth of twins.

 

Then again, they have developmental disorders, but the frightfully common ones that you don't actually see until the kid's a toddler.

 

I know I would not have had the strength to deal with it and I probably would have jumped off of a building years ago if I were my mother. That's how stressful it was. I see my parents being very stressed out and unhappy. A lot of the perfect little fantasies they had of children are dashed.

 

I think it's naive and dangerous to tell someone that babies will "help with depression". They don't. You need to be a strong, stable, happy person before you have children. Children can be wonderful but they are challenge. Someone who is struggling with life already is not going to benefit.

 

Reminds me of all the teenage girls out there who only want to have a baby so "I can have someone to love me and I'll be happy." Things don't work out that way.

[In the Dark]

Oops I think I did. I apologize.

 

Aye....

I have to apologize, I was off on a different tangent too in the last thread.

[Lonewing]

I have thus far run into a very large number of single women with children who live by the "my children are my life!" mantra. Lots of friends on facebook in the same boat.

 

For a large number of them, their kids have a rather interesting effect on their lives.

 

Where every motivational speaker, every role model, every attempt at getting these people to get some goals in their life, their kids have succeeded. Responsibility as a liberating cage...

 

And all I can say is, you can't knock what you don't know...

[Fudgie]

I'd rather not but thanks.

 

Definitely not for me. Thankfully, I know myself well enough to say that. Unfortunately, I can't say that for many people who are now stuck. Shame.

 

"not knowing" isn't enough for me to want to try something. Probably a good thing in this case.

[Lonewing]

Stuck now, yes. Ask them again in ten, twenty, Thirty years. All these shortsighted outlooks on life; Life does not stay static, even when one becomes "stuck."

[Fudgie]

Yup, still stuck. I know that's where I would be too.

 

*thanks god I'm infertile*

[Rangafro]

I have thus far run into a very large number of single women with children who live by the "my children are my life!" mantra. Lots of friends on facebook in the same boat.

 

For a large number of them, their kids have a rather interesting effect on their lives.

 

Where every motivational speaker, every role model, every attempt at getting these people to get some goals in their life, their kids have succeeded. Responsibility as a liberating cage...

 

And all I can say is, you can't knock what you don't know...

 

I suppose you've never known anyone with postpartum depression.

[Lonewing]

I suppose you've never known anyone with postpartum depression.

 

I may very well know more than you might think...

 

See, you're focusing on the short sight. The first year, the first five years. My ex had it for a couple years after her third kid. My aunt went a good 20 years - was it post partum? Perhaps, perhaps not. Disappointment itself is a powerful entity.

 

Like many things in life, it's not permanent. Perspectives change.

 

And I dare say, there's few things more powerful in changing a perspective. Even if it may take a generation - or two - for the perspective to change.

[Rangafro]

How many people are seriously going to admit that having children was a mistake and lead to lower quality of life if it were true? I don't know how you can say one or five years is inconsequential when that is the first years of a child's life. For someone who is tentative about the issue to have children under the dubious assumption that it will get better is strictly irresponsible and not good reason at all to have children. I can't believe I have this actually needs to be said.

[greywolf]

Just because people can't afford to give their children every single thing in the world, doesn't mean that they shouldn't have them. I don't think it's necessary to make sure that a child has everything possible, and each person's idea of what things are necessary to raise a child are going to be different. One thing that I think is necessary for children to have is cousins. I absolutely will not have children if they cannot see their cousins on a regular basis. Many people won't think that that is a necessity for children, but I do.

 

 

My grandparents lived in poverty and they had 12 kids and they still managed to put them all through school in a country where there's no such thing as welfare or free schools. My mom and her siblings lived with the basic necessities, but none of them feel like they were cheated out of getting everything that they should have. In fact, you should hear the stories they have of their childhood. They had so much fun.

[Seraphim]

I agree children do not need to grow up with the latest game system and phone and IPAD and go on fancy holidays. Kids need need love and encouragement and food and shelter,clothing and medical and dental care. They do not need the "latest STUFF" to grow up healthy and happy.In short they need parents who care about them and the values they learn, they need love and they need to be encouraged. Money does not do any of those things nor does it help a parent to do those things.

[Batya33]

One thing that I think is necessary for children to have is cousins. I absolutely will not have children if they cannot see their cousins on a regular basis. Many people won't think that that is a necessity for children, but I do.

 

 

 

and this is one of the many reasons why it's nearly impossible to judge what level of finances and what else being a good parent requires - of course there are extremes of neglect and extremes of materialism but most of it falls in the gray areas. What I've found pretty consistently on these threads is far more criticism of people who choose to be parents or who strongly desire to be parents as opposed to people who choose not to have children or have no desire to have children - in the latter case I see a lot of "that's great that you know what you want, don't feel pressured!" (including from me) but I guess since people who do want children are so much in the majority we're supposed to have thicker skins about our parenting goals. I guess. It doesn't make it easier to be a good parent with all this criticism, that's for sure.

[Seraphim]

^^^ Just be confident in the job you are doing an tune out the criticism it does not mean much anyway.

[midnightdeirdre]

And all I can say is, you can't knock what you don't know...

 

You don't have to jump into ice-cold water to know you'll hate it.

[sara-pezzini]

And all I can say is, you can't knock what you don't know...

 

that is bull....i really, really, really don't like children, never have, never will, i can be polite to them but i will never get that lovey dovey way people are when they see a child, i never had these feelings, and even with kids from my friends, well obviously i tolerate them, am nice to them and to a certain point like them, but if i try to have my own child and i have the same feelings as i do now? what kind of life does the child have then with a mommy who doesn't like him and regrets having him? and i know myself well enough to know that i will still feel the same as i do now.....even my mom, who knows me best, and would like a grandchild says it is not for me and would be a huge mistake...

and btw, some people keep on regretting having a child their entire life, my BF's parents have always regretted him and have always told him so, guess what that did for him??

it is better that some people are sure they don't want kids, they also don't have them and let it be to the people who really want to and who will be good for them, money or not.....i think it is good that you know yourself so well that you know you won't be good for them....

i also never understand why people would want kids and try so hard and all, but i respect that, so you should also repsect that there are people who really don't want it and not try to convert them.....

[Batya33]

I also am baffled as to why people try to "convert" people who choose not to have children just as I am baffled why people with a strong desire to have children and who have children are badgered and judged as has been done in this thread -- it is easier to be in the majority of people who do want children but I can't believe that in order to be a parent I have to promise to be very wealthy so I can give my child "everything" (whatever that means) - I think the OP thought better of her initial statement but it's no fun being a target in my situation either (and thanks to Victoria for her sage advice!)

[sara-pezzini]

i also don't think it has anything to do with money at all, children don't need the most expensive things to be happy, we were not wealthy when i grew up but i still had everythnig i needed, two loving parents.......i feel if a child is really wanted money doesn't matter....and i would never advice against having or wanting children or force my opinion on anyone, and therefore don't like it when people do that to me...

all my life, everyone has tried to tell me it would change when i got older, or when i was really in love and that i was abnormal.....and that is just not fair, live and let live......