midnightdeirdre Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I think there are lots of gray areas- people who want children but only of a particular gender, or only if the child is biological but not adoption or only if they are married, etc. And the people who say they do not want children can change their mind later or based on a life situation -i.e. losing a parent, or having a miscarriage and realizing they actually did want to have a baby. Everything you just said here describes someone who does want kids, period. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I say that I am pretty sure I don't want kids. I can't say never because who knows what I'll think in ten years, I could decide I want kids, however I could also decide I want to join a tribe and live in the amazon, I could decide I want to join the circus. Who knows? All I can say is that all three of those things seem highly unlikely. 23 is old enough to know if you truly want kids or not. If you're hesitant about it one way or the other, that's due to peer pressure. Believe me, I've been there. I've thought up the same "well-I-don't-know-I-might-change-in-10-years" excuses---and believe me, that's all they are: excuses. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 There is a basic core of we know if we want them or not - but it's naive to think there isn't a possibility something could happen to change our minds. That's life in all it's beauty. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Yes, life throws you some loops and new ideas for sure! Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 There is a basic core of we know if we want them or not This is 100% true. - but it's naive to think there isn't a possibility something could happen to change our minds. That's life in all it's beauty. Life is beautiful, and people do change their minds about many things ~ but not about having children or not. That's a decision you either want wholeheartedly or you don't. It's something that drasticly changes your life forever, and there's no turning back or changing your mind about it. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 No one is saying anyone on here WILL change their mind or that they SHOULD change their mind or even want to, but to say NO ONE changes their mind is not true either. Many people do. Some people on here have even changed their mind. Basically all I am saying is you are not the same person 20 years from now. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I disagree. I have known a few people who refused to have kids and then had a niece or nephew - or even got pregnant themselves accidentally - and brig around a child caused them to look at t a different way. No one should change their minds for someone else or do something they don't want but people do change their minds. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Sorry, but I still disagree. If someone claimed they didn't want kids, then had them, that means they either wanted them secretly all along or they meant, "I can't/don't want kids right now, but I will later." Or it means they were always open to the idea. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Or it means until presented with the idea in a physical aspect they didn't. If you don't want people telling you 'oh you'll change you'd mind in 20 years time' then perhaps realise others WIlL change their mind. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Sorry, but I still disagree. If someone claimed they didn't want kids, then had them, that means they either wanted them secretly all along or they meant, "I can't/don't want kids right now, but I will later." Or it means they were always open to the idea. Fascinating how you claim to know everyone's inner thoughts about having children and especially how you know that the yes or no on kids is locked in place. Haven't you ever heard about people having life changes that cause them to then change their perspective on lots of things and change their opinions? It's what makes human beings so interesting. Having said that I totally agree with women who choose not to continue dating a man who says he doesn't want kids or isn't sure he wants kids - it's a whole different story when it comes to hoping someone else will change his mind especially if the woman's clock is ticking. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 I don't believe every single person's wish or lack of wish for kids is set in stone. That is just silly. For SOME people, yes it might be. But every single person on earth? Nope. Ain't buying it. Link to comment
Unknown1607307972 Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 23 is old enough to know if you truly want kids or not. If you're hesitant about it one way or the other, that's due to peer pressure. Believe me, I've been there. I've thought up the same "well-I-don't-know-I-might-change-in-10-years" excuses---and believe me, that's all they are: excuses. I'm pretty comfortable with never having children, my family are accepting of it and my boyfriend is too. I don't feel any pressure from the people who matter I am far too stubborn to have a child just to conform or please someone else. I don't think motherhood is the right choice for me but I just simply never say never, I can say it's extremely unlikely. I'm tocophobic and I believe motherhood would make me feel trapped and play up my depression issues. As I said though, there are plenty of other things I could never see myself doing but still can't say never to. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 If you go to the beginning of this forum, I provided a link with my forum that was similar to this one. I don't want kids, and I've heard all the excuses: 1.) "Aww, you might change your mind! My daughters said they didn't want kids, but once they reached their 30s they changed their minds!" ( 2.) "I know someone who was pretty sure she didn't want kids, and now she has two." (I was 12 when this was told to me.) 3.) "I know someone who said she didn't want kids, and once she got married she changed her mind." (Was told this two years ago.) ...Sorry, no, I still haven't changed my mind. My goals still haven't changed. I know plenty of kids I went to high school with who have happily popped out babies, and not one of them ever said they never not wanted them. IMO if someone once said they didn't want kids, then ended up having them (once they "got married" or "reached their 30s") it has to mean that they were always at least open to the idea on some level, no matter what they claimed before they had them. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Thats nice you have never changed your mind - I have never changed my mind on having kids - but again, if you don't want people telling you'll change YoUR mind I don't find it productive to tell others what they think. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 It's probably good that you do not want to have a child since this type of rigid thinking isn't conducive to having a healthy relationship with a child. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 They do not even have to be slightly open to it to change their mind. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Thats nice you have never changed your mind - I have never changed my mind on having kids - but again, if you don't want people telling you'll change YoUR mind I don't find it productive to tell others what they think. You've never had a life altering moment? Where what you thought before was rendered completely useless and your staring point blank at a new road ahead of you? New outlooks on things? EVER? Link to comment
petite Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I believe there are people who truly know for certain they do not want children. I have a friend that used to say she didn't want children even as a pre-teen, and she is in her 30's and still doesn't want children, doesn't like them and can only toelrate children that are in her family or of her close friends. Maybe hard to grasp for some but there are peope that just don't like children. Link to comment
Unknown1607307972 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I understand how patronising it is when people go "oh I know someone who said that and now they have three kids", trust me, I get it a lot, but just with everything some people can change their minds. Should one assume that they will? No, I think it's rude when people do that, but sometimes people have their views radically changed somewhere down the line. I don't think it's fair to assume anybody who changes their mind wasn't serious about their views before, they just may not be the same person as they were back then. It happens, just not to everyone, and it doesn't give people the right to dismiss your opinions. Again, the chances of my having kids is very very slim. I don't think I could cope with being a parent, I find it unappealing and pregnancy itself horrifies me. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I believe there are people who truly know for certain they do not want children. I have a friend that used to say she didn't want children even as a pre-teen, and she is in her 30's and still doesn't want children, doesn't like them and can only toelrate children that are in her family or of her close friends. Maybe hard to grasp for some but there are peope that just don't like children. Here's the thing - I knew I wanted children badly -I knew that from early on. I also knew from early on that it was perfectly understandable why someone might not like children or want to have children or some combination (my best friend always wanted children, has four, but typically didn't like other people's children). I don't see why it would be hard to understand why someone wouldn't like children unless it's part of the societal pressure with the "what, of course everyone likes children!" Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 There ARE those who either know they want kids and it never wavers and there are those who know they never want kids and it never wavers - but then you have those in the middle who either said they never wanted them and then something drastically altered their thinking into them wanting them or even those who wanted them and something happened that caused them to give serious thought 'Do I really want kids?' and end up not having them. Link to comment
Elaine Marley Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 Well, I am one of those who was positive I did not want children, I was indeed adamant that I would not. I never liked children very much (as in, did not like spending time with them, not that I disliked them personally). And.... I changed my mind. It does happen. I feel sympathy for those women who feel that they constantly have to defend their choices to not have children since I have been there. I was in my late to mid-thirties when I truly did change my mind. Telling me now that I was never serious about not wanting kids is just as obnoxious and patronizing as those who tell women who don't want children that they don't mean it or will "change her mind" one day. I am not some mythical creature. I truly believed for most of my life that I did not want to give birth and I ended up changing my mind after all. So what, everyone is different with different life experiences. To each his or her own, as long as no one is pushing a decision or belief on someone else. Link to comment
sidehop Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 23 is old enough to know if you truly want kids or not. If you're hesitant about it one way or the other, that's due to peer pressure. Everyone will differ nor there will ever been right/wrong time when someone desire to have children. Some people have them unplanned and realize (aside from the maternal instinct kicking in) they can't live without their child. People change as well as their behavior including the desire to have children that can stem from childhood and the experience he/she had. That can also cause inner conflict, with or without knowing, due to traumatic childhood experiences, tragedy, etc that make them not wanting a child of their own. People have their reasons. They may change their mind and adopt. They may be in an environment where they care for children everyday but not have their own. We'd be extinct to be honest if people actually decided at the age of 23 if they are going to have children or not. Humans constantly evolve emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and physically. If we didn't especially when it comes to producing an offspring, we'd be hopeless. I don't think there are things in life that we are 100% definite about. That's what makes humans truly unique; we have conscience and instincts but we can always deviate and decide what to do in any given situation. Animals on the other hand, that's just their instinct. They live, eat, sleep, hunt, protect themselves and produce offspring. We are much smarter and feel strongly that's part of the nature. We are consistently evolving and adjusting. There's a balance. If people don't want to have children at specific time, that's protecting their interest which protects themselves. People who want children will protect their offspring which we naturally do. Both are making decisions based on their instinct and following their beliefs. So there are no right or wrong. Link to comment
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