I don't understand the whole having kids thing

[Unknown1607307972]

I also am baffled as to why people try to "convert" people who choose not to have children just as I am baffled why people with a strong desire to have children and who have children are badgered and judged as has been done in this thread -- it is easier to be in the majority of people who do want children but I can't believe that in order to be a parent I have to promise to be very wealthy so I can give my child "everything" (whatever that means) - I think the OP thought better of her initial statement but it's no fun being a target in my situation either (and thanks to Victoria for her sage advice!)

 

My mum was 21 years old and still living with her parents when I was born, when I was five she moved out and rented a somewhat run down house with my aunt and later on with a friend of hers. I had a lot of second hand clothes as a kid, we didn't have tons of money but I had a great childhood. As long as you can provide food, drink, warmth, shelter and tons of love for that child then you can be a totally great parent.

 

Stuck now, yes. Ask them again in ten, twenty, Thirty years. All these shortsighted outlooks on life; Life does not stay static, even when one becomes "stuck."

 

I can't ever say with 100% certaintly that I will never change my mind about not wanting kids, I can say however it seems very unlikely. I know myself, I mature with age but at the core of myself I am still the same person I always have been in a way. I am the girl who needs a calm environment to live in, who needs control over her surroundings as much as possible, who reacts severely badly to sudden unexpected change even if it's fairly minor. I have low patience, I have depression issues, I need my me time every single day else I will become crazy. I have been like this since childhood, I don't see why it would drastically change. I am also very used to children, I have many small kids in my family. They're funny, they can be super cute, I love them but they overwhelm me if I am around them too much.

 

Also the tocophobia thing is a bit of an issue the idea of being pregnancy genuinely does give me nightmares, and don't get me started on childbirth!

[Seraphim]

I also am baffled as to why people try to "convert" people who choose not to have children just as I am baffled why people with a strong desire to have children and who have children are badgered and judged as has been done in this thread -- it is easier to be in the majority of people who do want children but I can't believe that in order to be a parent I have to promise to be very wealthy so I can give my child "everything" (whatever that means) - I think the OP thought better of her initial statement but it's no fun being a target in my situation either (and thanks to Victoria for her sage advice!)

 

I agree. Sometimes it is hard to just ignore. Both sides of the coin don't like it. Really anyone else's criticism or opinion makes no difference. It really doesn't. It is just an opinion. It has no control over you or what you do or the job you are doing. You are in control of those. If people want to believe that kids need the latest fad and designer clothes and a trip to the South Hamptons every summer and go to Harvard or they will grow up defective that is their opinion. Eh does not matter. You know YOUR child. You know the job YOU are doing. That is all you have to worry about. Don't take anything else to heart.

[Batya33]

I think we all have to be open to changing our minds about the major life decisions. when it comes to having children my opinion is that unless you're 100% committed (at least!) it's best not to have a child because then it's not in the best interests of the child. That's why I would never try to convince someone to have a child.

[Unknown1607307972]

I think we all have to be open to changing our minds about the major life decisions. when it comes to having children my opinion is that unless you're 100% committed (at least!) it's best not to have a child because then it's not in the best interests of the child. That's why I would never try to convince someone to have a child.

 

It's all we really want from those who have/want kids just acceptance that we share a different view. I think both sides need to be considerate of each other, it would make the world a better place.

[Batya33]

It's all we really want from those who have/want kids just acceptance that we share a different view. I think both sides need to be considerate of each other, it would make the world a better place.

 

Yes I agree. The initial post seemed highly judgmental of people who decide to be parents which is why I responded as I did.

[Miss Firecracker]

I really don't get why people would want to have kids.

 

There is no need to waste time trying to GET everything.

[PhilliesFan001]

Nobody should have children if they're iffy about it - some people think they don't want kids, end up having them, and absolutely fall in love. But they're not necessarily the rule. The whole "Don't knock it till you try it" thing works for exotic food, bungee jumping, etc...NOT having children.

 

I think it's okay if you can't afford to give a child expensive toys and things so long as you can provide them with love, support, healthcare, food, and shelter. And you can't expect a love for children to suddenly appear where before there was none. Some people are better off not having kids - it makes them happier, and it prevents more children from being raised by parents who don't really want them. No problem.

 

Then there are others who believe they're destined to be parents and dream their whole life of children - again, not a problem.

 

Why do people care so much what others do with their own lives?

 

And Lonewing, really - if you've not experienced postpartum depression or psychosis yourself, you can't possibly understand what it's like, how long it lasts, or how bad the pain becomes. It's not necessarily a problem of shortsightedness.

[Lonewing]

Nobody should have children if they're iffy about it - some people think they don't want kids, end up having them, and absolutely fall in love. But they're not necessarily the rule. The whole "Don't knock it till you try it" thing works for exotic food, bungee jumping, etc...NOT having children.

 

Given the large number of people who have stated they never wanted children, and then had children and regard it as the greatest thing that ever happened to them, I'm sorry, but it too falls into the bucket. The only thing is, this is one of those repsonsibilities you can't walk away from if you don't like it, hence why it carries the extra weight.

[Fudgie]

Given the large number of people who have stated they never wanted children, and then had children and regard it as the greatest thing that ever happened to them, I'm sorry, but it too falls into the bucket. The only thing is, this is one of those repsonsibilities you can't walk away from if you don't like it, hence why it carries the extra weight.

 

This is EXACTLY why you can't say "don't knock it until you try it" when it comes to having kids. I'm sorry, but any sane person is going to tell you that.

 

I guess I should just give it a go because it worked for so many other people...so maybe it will work for me, and I'm basing my reason for this on nothing other than other people's individual experiences! *eyeroll* What if not? Then I'm screwed, aren't I? I can't walk away.

 

Telling someone who is iffy about children to just "have them and see what it's like!" is probably one of the WORST, stupidest, naive things you could say to a person. Sorry but it's true. I don't think you're going to find many who agree with you, parents or non-parents alike.

[Unknown1607307972]

Nobody should have children because they might like it when they're born, the fact is if they have their children and totally regret it (which does happen) there's no going back. You can't undo the fact that you have a child now. Even if said person love the child, they may still hate being a parent and be miserable, that happens too.

 

I personally don't want to risk it, it wouldn't be fair on myself nor would it be fair to my hypothetical child. I've met several people who've reached past the age where they can have children and who are totally happy and content with their lives. Some people feel their lives are incomplete without having children, some don't, and if they feel they don't really want them they shouldn't deliberately have them because it's too risky.

 

Also nothing is going to convince me to deal with pregnancy!

[JU27]

Princess 123,

I just want to thank you for creating this post. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't want kids. Does anyone here think its ok to work at a daycare to help one figure out if they want kids or not? That's what I did, and it helped me to know that I will probably not have kids.

[Batya33]

I think it's fine as long as you're committed to doing the best job you can while you're there.

[Fudgie]

I agree with Batya, in fact, I would encourage such a thing. As long as you're doing your best and taking care of the kids, then that is what matters. When you no longer want to do that or can do it well, then just leave the job with notice.

 

I actually don't think anyone should decide to have children until they have spent some time with infants and toddlers and small children, so they know what they are getting themselves into and if they would enjoy it! I think it would really help a lot of people.

[PhilliesFan001]

Given the large number of people who have stated they never wanted children, and then had children and regard it as the greatest thing that ever happened to them, I'm sorry, but it too falls into the bucket. The only thing is, this is one of those repsonsibilities you can't walk away from if you don't like it, hence why it carries the extra weight.

 

It's just a ridiculous argument for having children. You can't assume that you'll be one of those people. What happens if you aren't? Then you're stuck with a kid you resent having. Nobody should have a child hoping they'll change their minds, period. It's not only their life they'd be ruining.

[Batya33]

I agree with Batya, in fact, I would encourage such a thing. As long as you're doing your best and taking care of the kids, then that is what matters. When you no longer want to do that or can do it well, then just leave the job with notice.

 

I actually don't think anyone should decide to have children until they have spent some time with infants and toddlers and small children, so they know what they are getting themselves into and if they would enjoy it! I think it would really help a lot of people.

 

I agree to an extent although know and know of many parents who are very happy caring for their own children but don't much like children or caring for other people's children.

[Fudgie]

I agree to an extent although know and know of many parents who are very happy caring for their own children but don't much like children or caring for other people's children.

 

This is true, Batya. I'm not sure what is a good "Litmus test" for kids is then. Perhaps there is none, just rather "Do you believe that the positives outweigh the negatives and this is something that you want?"

[Seraphim]

I think a good litmus test is if you desire them and are old enough and prepared enough to be responsible.

[Fudgie]

I think a good litmus test is if you desire them and are old enough and prepared enough to be responsible.

 

Agreed. I forgot to mention the responsibility factor. And there's a financial one. You don't have to be rich but you should be able to afford a secure, safe living space, food, etc.

 

I'm not sure what people consider to be "old enough" but I consider mid 20s and up to be pretty ideal, because by then, you probably have a stable job established and all that. If fertility wasn't an issue, I'd say 30s or so but my mom was 35 when she had me and she really struggled getting pregnant and needed drugs, despite not having any health issues. And I think getting pregnant without drugs, if you can, is definitely the best way.

[Batya33]

This is true, Batya. I'm not sure what is a good "Litmus test" for kids is then. Perhaps there is none, just rather "Do you believe that the positives outweigh the negatives and this is something that you want?"

 

I don't know that I'm equipped to say. My personal one is "you want to have a child more than anything else in the world with the perspective of what is in the best interests of the child as far as the child being properly cared for and in a stable home environment". For me that translated to waiting until I was married (well we had the baby shortly after we got married) so that I could provide a stable two-parent home where we were married, and emotionally and financially stable. That is why I waited to try to get pregnant until I was almost 41. Again that was my personal perspective and one I thought long (for years!) and hard about especially since it was very tempting to go the single mother by choice route once I was over 35.

[Lonewing]

The only litmus test necessary is "Are you having sex?"

 

Yes? Then be prepared for what might happen.

[Stay_home]

That's one of the reasons that I haven't lived a lifestyle of sowing my oats, so to speak. The more sex, the greater the risk.. Anything can happen. But right now at the present time in my life I'm not looking to be a parent. I've said before that if I met a really nice woman, things went well and we got married I would be open to the thought of children and I still am. But that's the only way. So in accordance, I've limited the amount of risk by not having as much sex.

[Batya33]

The only litmus test necessary is "Are you having sex?"

 

Yes? Then be prepared for what might happen.

 

Actually no because we're talking about people having a child that they intend to raise and parent. Having sex does mean you risk getting pregnant (or the woman getting pregnant) and, if you're not ok with abortion, going through childbirth/becoming a father. But there is adoption of course so that the biological parents who don't intend to parent the child don't end up being that child's parents.

[Lonewing]

It's all about choices, but in the end, the litmus is quite simply put, If you're having sex, you will probably end up pregrnant. If you keep it, it's yours to raise; otherwise, it's yours to dispose of. Yes, I'll use that word here, because that is often what occurs through abortion/adoption: one does not desire to bear the repsonsibility [for Whatever reason, it doesn't matter either way], for whatever reason, and disposes of it.

 

so in the end, if you're having sex, then it's best to be prepared to make some even more difficutl decisions besides "do I want children" or not. For those who can't have children, well, it really is a moot point.

[JU27]

This is a difficult decision, but is abortion/adoption the best option if someone knows they don't want children? Even if they may be financially ok, but they know that they won't truly want the child? Would it be better than to have a child and resent them?

Also, is pregnancy still likely if one always has protected sex?

[Fudgie]

This is a difficult decision, but is abortion/adoption the best option if someone knows they don't want children? Even if they may be financially ok, but they know that they won't truly want the child? Would it be better than to have a child and resent them?

Also, is pregnancy still likely if one always has protected sex?

 

BC has a risk of falling, always.

 

And yes, it's the best option. I think it's better to abort than have a kid that you will resent.

 

I'm infertile AND on BC but if something weird happened and I got pregnant, I'd abort in a heartbeat, early of course. I know it's what's best for me and the child.