fearless1986 Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 i am exactly where you are right now. I questioned his love for me. he feels me doing that means i dont trust him or have faith in him. it makes him feel why is he with me if i dont whole heartedly trust him. but like you i do trust him, i just dont understand some things. he was very faithful to me i never worried about him cheating or anything much like you. i also had that emotion issue with him, almost afraid to express how you are feeling. for me i got to a point where i figured he would love me regardless of my emotions so i just let them fly and sometimes my emotions ran my decisions and the way i talked to him and not my heart and in the end i lost my love just this monday. we had 3 and a half years together and he walked away from it all because he was scared to face his fears. was was scared that things would change only temporarily and then we would be right down the same road, of me getting upset and over reacting and he didnt want to experience that ever again yet he never told me any of this until it was break up time. had he of told me prior i would have made a better effort but i didnt see tmyself as a problem, as he never said any thing. then when he was at the break up point i explained to him the lengths i would go to to change, and he just didnt care, he is too afriad to forgive me and move on.. i am urting much like you. him and i were both jealous in a healthy way and possessive i guess because we spent every day together as that was what both of us wanted. he was very clingy and in turn it made me that way, but now i have nothing all account on my emotions. it hurts. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Hey there, sorry to hear you're going through this, it definitely sucks Yeah, I can definitely see similarities in our situations. Our relationship wasn't as heavy as yours, so maybe this time and space thing is easier for me than it is for others. It's so weird to think that we wanted the same thing from each other, I was trying to play it cool but he wanted to settle down and have kids, and so did I. Damn! But we both know where we stand now, time to back away again. Look after yourself, things will get better for you, I promise Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Made a little bit of progress today, I've reconnected with the local political group I'm involved with after not being in touch with anyone there in over a month, and I already have a few dates to put in my diary, meetings and open days and such. And a meeting with the chairman tomorrow, I've felt dreadful staying away from it all for so long but I'm going to have a chat with him tomorrow to apologise and explain I've been in a bad place and so on. He's lovely so it's all good. I'm going to apply for my provisional driving license next week too, I've always wanted to drive and I'm going to book some lessons as soon as I'm able to. I'm not really in a strong enough financial position to be able to afford the money to run a car (tax, insurance, petrol etc) but a lesson a week for as long as it takes will get me there and give me the option in the future. I'm actually pretty good with driving theory already as I spent a lot of time with the ex before this one working on it with him, as he was learning himself! Getting out of this rut is the most important thing I can do. Part of me hopes that he doesn't give up on us and I hope he really does think we can have a future, but I can't concentrate too much on that, I suppose. Link to comment
fearless1986 Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 You and I are very similar with what we are dealing with, and i think would be great supports for one and other. we both wanted children and such too. i am starting to try and look at the big picture and think about how if we didnt break up now, what situation we could have gotten into with kids and then we would be forced to stay together possibly due to them and be unhappy. maybe things like this happen for a reason, and maybe you need that person in your life who will tell you that you are beautiful and say i love you every chance he gets. my ex did that but he wasnt very good about talking about promblems and felt it should come easy all the time and when it didnt then it was all my fault. It is definatly a painful process so if i can help you in any way please know i am here and if you want to be here for me too i definitely appreciate it. sounds like keeping busy is the way to approach it, and I myself have a few dates lined up for next week with a new friend i made from school and my old friend from kindergarten. so i hope that getting out will give me a different point of view and help me to deal. let me know how it goes for you and if it helps Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Hey fearless Yeah, I wished things could have been different. I wished he had said to me "look, I really like you and I want a future with you, but I think we need to sort X. Y and Z out". And I wished that I had sat him down and said the same. We both know where we went wrong, I guess. I don't him to be need telling he loves me all the time, but I spent too much time guessing and not asking. I can't imagine a future with anyone else, most of what we had is amazing, our communication just broke down. Thank you very much for the support and I agree that supporting each other will be fantastic Link to comment
DN Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 I am very glad that you are starting to make plans and taking action to implement them. Well done. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 I am very glad that you are starting to make plans and taking action to implement them. Well done. Thanks DN, you are being a brilliant help to me, I really appreciate it Woke up feeling a little bit sad again, although nothing extreme. More a light dull ache in my chest which sometimes turned into a lump in my throat. But I'm fine, just waiting for a phone call from the chairman to arrange what time we are meeting up today, he's a busy man so is trying to fit me in between other tasks! Then I need to go into town and get a birthday card for a family member. Not a big task, but it's a task! I'm trying to stop analysing what has happened all the time now, Meeting up with him for the lunch has helped, we both got things off our chest, and I suppose I'm wasting precious energy thinking about it all, at least until I hear from him again. I'm leaving it down to him to get back in touch. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Success! I have had a good meeting this morning, and have taken on extra responsibilities with my local political party. I was actually thinking of stepping down my role (I'm on the executive) but the chair convinced me I should step it up instead, and that I was an asset! That really boosted my confidence and throwing myself back into things is exactly what I need. Unfortunately, I've had a crash. About an hour ago. I feel very sad. That maybe I'm seeing things between the ex and myself differently to how he is. That maybe he wants to keep things slow to see if we can just build up a friendship, and not a relationship again. But then he did confess he did have strong feelings...and that even though he wasn't saying he was thinking about things, didn't mean that he wasn't. What does that even mean? I wish he hadn't said that. Urrgghhh...I don't know.... Link to comment
DN Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Don't go analysing everything that was said - it will drive you crazy. Concentrate on things you know - such as being an asset to that organisation. This process is not linear - there are ups and downs. Embrace the ups and get past the downs as soon as possible. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 26, 2011 Author Share Posted September 26, 2011 Yeah, I even said earlier on this morning that I was going to stop analysing things, and it just comes down like a ton of bricks! It's just very much my nature to do it. I also appreciate there will be ups and downs too. I felt good this morning going to the meeting, the sun was shining, lots of people busy going about their business, it felt like I was stepping back into the real world again. Meeting up and catching up with news with the chair. It was great. Going to spend the evening catching up with all the political stuff I've missed over the past 6 weeks or so, all the emails and so on, and carry on! Link to comment
ElleBelle Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 You are awesome northpickle, keep it up! How inspiring. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 You are doing great pickle. That ache is totally Normal. Your chest will heal as will your heart. Best wishes. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 You are awesome northpickle, keep it up! How inspiring. You are doing great pickle. That ache is totally Normal. Your chest will heal as will your heart. Best wishes. Thank you both very much, I don't really feel I'm doing too well at times, it's just so up and down! I had quite a bad night, slept 8pm - 12pm then was awake until about 4am. I cried a lot, I couldn't get what has happened out of my head. I miss him in my life so much. But I got a bit more sleep and don't feel too bad right now. I have quite a lot to do around the house today so going to have a coffee and then get stuck in. I'll be honest though, I'll still be thinking about him all day. Link to comment
jaysmaury Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 Hi, The email was short but yes, he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there are arguments every few weeks, and that he doesn't want to feel like if we go out to socialise that there will be any issues ie: me bringing up things I was unhappy about. My ex-gf was so insecure that anytime we went out the night would ALWAYS end horribly. There was always some reason for her to get upset - usually revolved around other girls. It got to the point that I decided I didn't want to go places with her - like out to bars or to work functions - because I knew she would cause a scene. Very unhealthy, but she proved to me that she was incapable of acting normally. I could ask the bartender for a drink and if that bartender was female...forget about it! She would throw a tantrum! If this sounds anything like your situation, then I suggest letting the relationship end for a while and both work on your relative personal issues first, before getting involved with another person. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 My ex-gf was so insecure that anytime we went out the night would ALWAYS end horribly. There was always some reason for her to get upset - usually revolved around other girls. It got to the point that I decided I didn't want to go places with her - like out to bars or to work functions - because I knew she would cause a scene. Very unhealthy, but she proved to me that she was incapable of acting normally. I could ask the bartender for a drink and if that bartender was female...forget about it! She would throw a tantrum! If this sounds anything like your situation, then I suggest letting the relationship end for a while and both work on your relative personal issues first, before getting involved with another person. Hi there, thank you very much for your input. I wasn't insecure in the fact that I was jealous of him talking to anyone, or him of me. Nothing like that. In fact most of our nights out were fantastic! But what I was doing was, rather stupidly, sometimes after a few drinks, when I was more relaxed, bring up things that had happened between us that I wanted to talk about. I'm trying to think of an example... The weekend before we split up, we both did a long road / obstacle race. It's the first time I had done anything of the sort whereas he is used to running that sort of distance. We had signed up together (to compete together as a team) months previously, and although I was nervous about it, and wasn't sure whether I would complete such a challenge, I decided to do it. The ex however decided that he wanted to do it on his own, not with me, to get the best time possible. But you know what, I did it, all by myself! I felt such a rush of achievement. But I felt a little abandoned to be honest. That he was more interested in getting the best time for himself rather than support me, his girlfriend, in the first time I had ever done such a thing. Of course I wanted him to get a good time for his own sake, but I also felt that if I was in his shoes, and was doing something with my partner that HE wasn't used to, I would be there to support him if he would feel better for it. But I didn't really mention it beforehand, at least not properly. We all know that alcohol affects judgement, and so things that should have been resolved with a quick conversation days previous led to silly blown-up arguments. And this is what I brought up which led to the final argument before the BU. ETA: His point of view on the above, for balance, was that it was pretty much my problem for not putting in enough training beforehand to be able to keep up with him! I didn't do as much training as I should have, but realistically I couldn't have got up to his level, he has been running for years whereas I had only been running a few months. And with having a child over the summer holidays there weren't as many opportunities to do training like there are now she is back at school. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Just read this back, the last sentence "having a child"...I don't mean literally giving birth to a child, I mean having my child to look after Link to comment
DN Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I can see both sides of the issue over the race. When you brought it up after a few drinks, did this end up in a full-out row? Was that fairly typical of the arguments that you had? Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Hi DN, Yes, this was fairly typical of the disagreements. It was never anything very serious that I felt (or he felt) each other had done wrong, it was small things like this. I sometimes felt like he didn't respect my feelings, and that he always put himself over me. Nothing wrong with looking after yourself of course! But I felt that I was of little concern to him at times. I wouldn't say it was a full-blown row. I wanted to say why exactly I was feeling sad, he said "Why do you always bring up this sort of thing when we are out? It's not the time to talk about it" and he actually walked away and left me. There was no shouting, stomping or screaming of any kind. I can see both sides too. I didn't bring anything up before the race as I didn't want to seem pathetic! Typical avoidance behaviour, but yeah, it was playing on my mind. Which led to the fall-out, which led to the break-up Link to comment
DN Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 The problem is that these disagreements, small though each one may seem when they happen, can undermine a relationship over time. His use of the word 'always' is indicative. Then it gets to a tipping point and it is incredibly hard to get things back on track. I hope this is eventually worked out but either way you will eventually regain happiness. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 I agree, small disagreements, maybe one every few weeks, not being handled correctly, leading to him pulling away (and not talking about it, and if he tried to then me trying to brush things aside), leading me to worry about what he was thinking (and not talking about it and bringing things up at the wrong time) = him breaking it off. That's exactly what happened. It's so silly. I can see it now. It just seems such a shame I so dearly want to sort it out. Link to comment
DN Posted September 27, 2011 Share Posted September 27, 2011 I hope you get an opportunity. I am a little concerned by your signature though. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Thank you Yeah, I need to change that...I wrote that not long after BU, my head's cleared a lot now! Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 28, 2011 Author Share Posted September 28, 2011 It's a beautiful sunny day today, shortly going out to meet a friend, get some lunch, get myself some hairdye (my roots are terrible!) and get my daughter a little present too. Should be a good distraction and I will do my absolute best not to think about things too much. Forwards forwards forwards! That is my mantra! Some unexpected autumnal Vitamin D from the sun should help a lot too. I've started to realise some triggers that make me start thinking about what has happened. Definitely the few hours before bed (that's when we would have normally communicated, via text or MSN if not in person) and strangely taking my daughter to school and back. I'm not sure why exactly, I think it's because I see a lot of babies and think what could have been! Haha, that sounds silly. But I'm only 30, there is plenty of time. I'm trying to get my smile back Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 Quick update: Not a great deal to update on, but I suppose that could be seen as a good thing. No further contact from him and I'm more than happy with that. I've been busy with family and friends mainly. Today has been the first day I have genuinely though "Hey, I'm not waiting around for you. I have a life to live with or without you!" I've been trying to think like that for a while but today...I really really feel that way. I think I'm getting somewhere Link to comment
digdug Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Quick update: Not a great deal to update on, but I suppose that could be seen as a good thing. No further contact from him and I'm more than happy with that. I've been busy with family and friends mainly. Today has been the first day I have genuinely though "Hey, I'm not waiting around for you. I have a life to live with or without you!" I've been trying to think like that for a while but today...I really really feel that way. I think I'm getting somewhere Yay North!! So glad to see. You're doing great!! Keep it up, Best, D Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.