Kaytie Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Happy Birthday! I've been reading your thread - you will get there, one day at a time. Are you planning on doing anything this evening? I hope you won't be alone. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Hey Kaytie Thank you! I'll be alone tonight, I live with my little girl (who is 5 ) so a night in as usual during the week. I have the aforementioned problem of the fact that my ex and I have the same group of friends, so the weekend is looking a bit tricky too unfortunately I'm actually OK on my own, as we never lived together I'm more than happy being by myself on an evening. It's just a shame that the birthday plans we had started to make (going to a local gig on Friday night) are now not available to me. So I feel a bit lonely in that regard. Yeah, there are other things I can do and places to go, but because we had such similar ideas about what we liked to do to socialise and where we felt comfortable, I feel very cut off. Link to comment
ElleBelle Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Happy Birthday! Can you take a drive somewhere and look at something beautiful like a beach or a mountain or an art museum? With your daughter and maybe invite another friend? Link to comment
superfox Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Just read all of this, you are amazing! Birthday plans? Grab your little one and have a burger and ice cream blow out! Any chance you can invite some of your gf's over for a bottle of wine? Text them and specifically say 'NO TALK OF HIM'! Link to comment
Kaytie Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 It's so hard when you share the same group of friends It's good that you have your daughter though - at least you still get snuggles and human contact. My partner said that helped her when she split with her ex (she has a 7 year old). You are also reminded of the simple joys in life like bike rides, tickles or playing games. At the very least it can be a temporary reprive from any obsessive thoughts you may be having. I do know, however, that it's also hard to be 'on' when you feel like curling up in the fetal position at times.... I can totally understand feeling cut off. I would try your best to keep busy and plan something for YOU, if you feel up to it. Hey Kaytie Thank you! I'll be alone tonight, I live with my little girl (who is 5 ) so a night in as usual during the week. I have the aforementioned problem of the fact that my ex and I have the same group of friends, so the weekend is looking a bit tricky too unfortunately I'm actually OK on my own, as we never lived together I'm more than happy being by myself on an evening. It's just a shame that the birthday plans we had started to make (going to a local gig on Friday night) are now not available to me. So I feel a bit lonely in that regard. Yeah, there are other things I can do and places to go, but because we had such similar ideas about what we liked to do to socialise and where we felt comfortable, I feel very cut off. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Hi all, My daughter is at her dad's for the evening, then comes home for bedtime. I was actually thinking of going for a walk for an hour or so but lo and behold we are having a mighty torrential rain downpour. I don't drive unfortunately! Most of my friends have children etc and weekdays are hard for them. I actually feel really really sad right now and crying lots Having my daughter has been a godsend, she's the reason I keep going. I was doing so much better until this stupid card! I feel so isolated and like I did at the beginning, very very down. It's like he gets to keep everything, the life we had, and I've been thrown to the curb. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 I knew something was going to happen today... Email out of the blue: I'm worried about you and miss you, but the reasons I have for splitting up haven't changed. I suggested we meet to up to see how each other are, but maybe that would just make matters worse at the moment. At the heart of it is a disagreement about how the future would be. I just feel like we've discussed things in the past, and repeating what's happened this month isn't something that's fair on either of us. The way things ended was awful and I'm truly sorry for the hurt I've caused you. That's it, isn't it? Link to comment
superfox Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 Yeah honey, sounds like it. He seemed cold and distant in your relationship so this can't be too different. Bit of a * * * * to send that on your birthday. I wouldn't meet him, you don't need this confirmed Hugs sweetheart xxx Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 We never talked about the future! It's like it was playing on my mind but not his...we would talk about it generally (as in "Oh, I'd like to move to here one day" or "I don't want to live here forever" but...) I wasn't asking or looking for any pressure, I have my own daughter, house and life. I'm just heartbroken that he always seems to come out like the nice guy and I'm sat here in pieces. Link to comment
DN Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Did you ever ask him what he wanted from the future? Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Did you ever ask him what he wanted from the future? No, not as a direct question. That seems to have been the problem, doesn't it? He never asked me either. I still really want to sort this out if I can now. I'm back at the start again. Nightmare. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 OK, I caved in I replied earlier this morning, just saying that I missed him and was worried about him too, and that we didn't ever talk about the future but what is done is done. He has just replied and asked to meet for lunch tomorrow. What is going on?! Am I being strung along here? Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Hey Northpickle, i have just read thru all of ur post and it feels like i was reading my own story...i want to say how strong i think u have been with the NC issue, i am at day 2 NC and feeling very weak, constantly checking my fone to see if hes called or texted even tho i know he wont. i had a really weak moment yesterday afternoon where i packed his stuff (nothing major just little gifts he had given me, fotos etc) and was going to text him to say i was going to drop them off to him later...i dont know how i managed to stop myself really...my daughter was at my mums so i put the fone down, grabbed my car keys and drove to my mums and didnt come back til later. i dont know how long i will be able to keep up the NC if i'm honest but dont want to seem weak and needy. i dont even have anything in particular i want to say to him its amazing how so many ppl go thru something so similar but our own experiences are so special to us as individuals, if i hadnt found this forum i dont think i wud have realised that everyone goes thru the same feelings, i felt a bit of a fool for feeling wat i was feeling b4 i read everyones stories, i thought i had lost the plot a bit where do u find the strength to keep NC especially wen he texted u? Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Hey there, I've seen your thread too and I'm sorry that you're going through a similar situation, and it's very early days and raw for you, I hope you're OK x I've just broken the NC (he just pushed too strong when I was feeling vulnerable!) but I lasted 19 days. The absence made him push, I guess. How did I do it...ermm, I'm not sure! I found this forum (and have hardly been off it since) and read hundreds of threads on all sorts of matters. I knew in my heart of hearts that no good would come of contacting him. He needed space and after a couple of days I realised that I needed space just as much. We are both people who care very much for each other but we weren't resolving problems by being together, we needed to step back. There's a thread here, not sure whether you've seen it, called "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your Ex" - Anytime I felt like I wanted to say anything to him, angry, sad, soppy, anything, I would post it on here. There's also this thread too "30 Day No Contact Challenge" which I updated every day with how I was feeling and it's like a diary, and you can see how other people are doing which is great Or I would just update my thread here. The early days are horrible, I'm still not sleeping and eating right to be honest with you, but if you know deep down that nothing good will come of contacting him, then simply don't do anything at all. It would have pushed him away further, and more importantly I would have been waiting for a reply and getting more anxious, when all you need to do is look after yourself. The text was hard to ignore, but only for a few days. I felt empowered that I HADN'T replied after that. That I wasn't needy. And the question "How are you"? How do you THINK I am, mister! You've just dumped me without wanting to talk about things! I'm rubbish! So ignore it I did. Hope that helps, take care of yourself and feel free to get in touch whenever you like and hope your daughter is doing OK Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 i think thats wat keeps me from contacting...the fear of further rejection...rejection is a horrible thing to have to deal with...also i know nothing positive will come from contacting him at this early stage...and if he replies it might give me hope...false hope! i changed into a person i didnt recognise while i was with him and i dont want to see that person in me ever again...i want to get over this hurdle of the break up and feel like myself again...being in touch with him at this stage will be a terrible mistake for both of us. have u decided if ur going to the lunch? ive been on this sight day and night since tuesday nite...only log off wen its time for bed...has been a right support and given me strength Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 I totally understand the "changed into a person I didn't recognise" bit. That's exactly what happened with me, and the ex changed as well. Complete communication breakdown, it's so so silly. We went from talking about everything and everything to nothing at all. Everything else was fine, he admitted that. There was enough about us as a couple to hang on to what we had. I just want him to realise that we could have sorted it out and I'm upset that his decision is final but I can nothing but respect that. Now the lines of communication are open again, who knows? I'm going to meet him for a quick lunch because that was the best thing about us, as a couple. The chemistry and the company was our strongest point. I'm feeling strong enough to go through with it and NOT mention the relationship at all. If he wants to "talk" then fine, but I won't be saying anything about it. He knows how I feel anyway, if he wants to talk about anything serious then I'm good with that. I knew it couldn't be NC forever, as I mentioned our social lives are so intertwined it would be impossible, and I need to get back out there and start enjoying life again. I've been hiding away. I need to be back in contact with him before I dare risk bumping into him, because I don't yet know how I'm going to feel when I see him because I haven't seen him for three weeks, and the last time was horrendous! So seeing him in a planned environment I think is for the best. Some of me thinks it is maybe too soon, but I feel like I'm putting my life on hold completely in fear of seeing him, so I need to jump the hurdle, I think. Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 sounds exactly like me and my ex...we used to talk so much that the telly neva came on for months...talk about everything and anything until the conversations started to take a more serious tone and the telly came back on and he started to push conversation aside...i found this so frustrating amongst other things...i grew into this monster that snapped at everything...i had so much frustration inside of me but the moment we decided it was over, the frustrations seemed to melt away instantly and i actually heard my self laugh a few days later and thought wow wen was the last time i laughed like that i read one some thread and it really hit home for me...stop worrying about the destination and start enjoying the journey...thats wat happened to me i got so caught up in where we were going i forgot to look at where we were...madness wen u look back at it. i wish u look at lunch, its gonna be awkward i can imagine but hold onto ur confidence i'm sure u will be just fine Link to comment
DN Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 Hope things go well at the lunch. Don't assume anything - wait until he says whatever is on his mind, Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Thank you I just realised something, I have not much to chat about at lunch tomorrow! I can imagine the conversation now... HIM: "So, what have you been up to for the past few weeks?" ME: "Ohhh, sitting around, hiding, moping, crying, not eating, how about you?" Awkward! I'm going to spend some time tonight reading up on recent news I think, so I had least have some conversation starters. I'm not nervous, yet. I just need to keep control of myself and not bring anything up of what has happened. At the same time I just want him to open up and be honest but that's down to him I guess. I'm looking forward to seeing him, but I wish it wasn't under these circumstances. Link to comment
DN Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 HIM: "What have you been up to for the last few weeks?" YOU" "Getting on with my life, thinking through what I am going to do next and looking forward rather than back" Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 OK, so just back from the lunch. It went better than I could have ever imagined, seriously. The first thing I realised when I saw him, it was like looking at a mirror image of myself. He'd lost weight, he looked pale. I realised he must have been suffering too. We went to eat, neither of us ate much, we picked at stuff and tried vainly to make conversation about general things. It was pretty awkward. We hardly looked at each other. I was shaking a little bit, pretty anxious. He then suggested we take a walk. The mood lightened a bit, he was holding back though, like he wanted to say things but just couldn't bring himself to do it. We took a seat by the river, then I took the plunge and asked him whether he wanted to say anything... And then we talked. It was the most brutally honest conversation that we have ever had. He said he cares deeply about me and sometimes that he could see us together in the future but the way we both handled things sometimes clashed and that made him have second thoughts. (I asked the question about the future DN, he wants to settle down and have kids. Bah! That's what I want, but I never said that for fear of putting him off!) We both said we were very special to each other and that we had missed each other too, we hugged and cried a little and we agreed to give each other space for the time being, not to avoid each other, but to stay in light contact. We both need to get our head around what has happened and I couldn't agree more. He also said that even though he hasn't told me that he has handled this badly, doesn't mean that he's not thinking about it. Whatever that means... Anyway, he suggests we go for a quick drink, we both relax and chat and laugh and it was just how it should be. We say our goodbyes, we give each other a huge hug and he pecks me on the cheek. Chemistry still there. I simply can't believe it. Blimey. Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Hmmm - I think the light contact will work for a little while but if you are going to be together you need to find out how to fix things and communicate better about disagreement and 'clashes'. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Hmmm - I think the light contact will work for a little while but if you are going to be together you need to find out how to fix things and communicate better about disagreement and 'clashes'. I agree, we're not back together in any way, shape or form. He was more or less saying that most of the pieces of a relationship were there but our conflict management wasn't compatible. We did talk about how we both made mistakes in our communication, he said sometimes if he brought something up then I would try and brush it aside as not important (which is true, I dislike confrontation) so as not to make a big deal out of things. This is something I need to work on so any suggestions on where to look for advice on this would be great. He actually said it was like if I was sitting on a ticking time bomb then I wouldn't jump off until there was only a few seconds to go! I do leave things to the last minute, he's more an advance thinker / planner. Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 hey north, glad ur lunch went well, as u can see from my last post i caved the NC but it all worked out for the best in the long run. wow i dont know how u handled the akwardness, its nasty seeing that they have been suffering as much as us but also let us know that they care and we mean something to them i suppose Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Why do you prefer to avoid confrontations? Link to comment
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