Moving On To Better Times

[learning2relax]

To help you make some progress in moving forward and alleviating some of the pain you are in, may I suggest a book? It is called "The Power of Now: A guide to spiritual enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle.

 

The reason that I am suggesting this is one, that it really helped me when I found myself where you are, full of anxiety. Reliving the past, analyzing it to death even though doing so will not change anything or the outcome that I have long since realized. It also helps you learn how to live in the present. It is help to understand why you want to do this, how it helps you, and gives you exercises to practice to get there. You actually do the exercises that have nothing to do with your past and your breakup and if you stay diligent about doing them, you will realize that you haven't just spent all those hours wasted on reliving and analyzing the past, and that you are actually feeling a little better AND most importantly, you feel a lot less anxious in general, if at all.

 

Living in the past and being anxious about the future is not productive. You cannot change the past. You can only learn from it. You don't have to analyze it as much as we do in order to take what you need from it to learn from it. You need to allow yourself to let it go. Your fear and anxiety regarding the future is not productive because you are not a fortune teller. You are doing nothing but living in anticipation of things that may happen that most likely will NOT happen. What you are missing is enjoying the moment that you are in. Pretty soon your past is filled up with memories of your analyzing old history or fearing the future. That is no way to live. Here is a way that you can just try and see what I am talking about.....if you close your eyes, I want you to do nothing but to sit and listen to the sounds around you where you are. Even better if you are outside as there are more sounds to realize. These are sounds that you are so distracted in your every day way of thinking that you don't hear. They are always there but you can't hear them because you are not living in the present. You are not thinking about anything. You are just listening and recognizing the sounds you hear right now. You can do the same thing with visuals.....Go outside and look at a tree. But I mean really look at it. Notice the shape of the tree, the lines in the bark, the leaves, the formation of the leaves, the color of the leaves, etc.....You will realize that you are really seeing it for the first time. Both of these exercises are examples to show you how you are moving through life without living because your head is in the past and in the future.

 

Learning to live in the present helps you feel better and helps you to move forward. I lived in pain for too long before I realized what I was doing and while I have not mastered this, when the anxiety gets overwhelming, I do the exercises to bring me back to the present and resolve the anxiety. Our minds are very very powerful tools. We have a choice to use them in a way to make us better or use them in a way to torture ourselves with......

 

I hope you feel better soon.....

[northpickle]

Thank you I have had anxiety problems in the past and have dealt with them reasonably well myself, and it doesn't affect my day to day life. However, when things get rocky then I find the anxiety surfaces. I have had heightened anxiety for the past few weeks, from the "beginning of the end" to today. I should really look into dealing with this properly so any advice on this is especially welcome.

 

There were all sorts of FB shenanigans last night, so I know he was out getting wrecked with his mates, which is all fine and knew that's what he would be doing. He is reverting to the self-destructive behaviour that he was in when we met, that I thought he wanted out of. A mutual friend mentioned his name twice in status updates, but she is a horrible manipulative hound who had issues with us getting together and is probably revelling in all this. I am not going to react to it in any way, although it hurts.

 

Plodding on!

[learning2relax]

There were all sorts of FB shenanigans last night, so I know he was out getting wrecked with his mates, which is all fine and knew that's what he would be doing. He is reverting to the self-destructive behaviour that he was in when we met, that I thought he wanted out of. A mutual friend mentioned his name twice in status updates, but she is a horrible manipulative hound who had issues with us getting together and is probably revelling in all this. I am not going to react to it in any way, although it hurts.

 

Plodding on!

 

You may want to do whatever you have to do to keep yourself from seeing anything on FB as it is just a form of self torture that keeps you from healing. I, myself deactivated my account. I can reactivate it at any time by simply signing back in and it picks up where it left off. Because I know I that while I am much better, I want to ensure that I am 150% better before I venture into reactivating it. I have had no desire to. When I no longer have to consider how I would feel about signing in or not, I know that I am there.

 

Just a thought...

[northpickle]

You may want to do whatever you have to do to keep yourself from seeing anything on FB as it is just a form of self torture that keeps you from healing. I, myself deactivated my account. I can reactivate it at any time by simply signing back in and it picks up where it left off. Because I know I that while I am much better, I want to ensure that I am 150% better before I venture into reactivating it. I have had no desire to. When I no longer have to consider how I would feel about signing in or not, I know that I am there.

 

Just a thought...

 

Thanks, I have deactivated FB - I got a private message from the friend from another country who stayed at his house for 2 weeks (story here: ) saying she didn't know what had happened but hoped I was OK and if I ever wanted to chat etc. But she is far too involved in all this and not sure whether she is just reaching out or just interested in the gossip. I'm SICK of over-analysing everything and everyone. So FB has gone. She has other ways to contact me however. Phone / email. But out of sight, out of mind.

 

We're going to be having some high winds here in the UK today, normally I would have texted him or something to watch himself driving and so on. I just hope he's OK one minute but then hope he's upset the next. Is this normal?

 

I'm wishing I had just asked him outright what he wanted in the final weeks, instead of losing myself in it all and becoming a wreck, which just influenced his final decision. Why didn't I take more control?

 

I miss his warm body but I was beginning to miss him before we split

[northpickle]

We used to have so much fun.

 

Why is today so hard? I have an up day then a down day.

 

The last time you told me you loved me, and it was completely out of the blue, about 7 weeks ago, just before it started going downhill. Why is that on my mind today? It shocked me, we had just been talking about getting some food, nothing lovey-dovey, and there it was, three words you hardly ever said. And it made me feel so special.

 

Well, I have to walk past the place you told me that every single day. Was it a lie? I can't believe it was a lie.

 

Arrggghhh

[sososadnow]

"He is very much a closed book when it comes to emotions." That should tell you everything. Maybe you are insecure (i know I am) but how could you possibly have a successful relationship with someone so closed up? I tried and failed. I know I have a part in the breakup, but I also doubt the man could have a real relationship with anyone. Stop blaming yourself. Work on your insecurities without him and find someone with a heart next time.

[northpickle]

"He is very much a closed book when it comes to emotions." That should tell you everything. Maybe you are insecure (i know I am) but how could you possibly have a successful relationship with someone so closed up? I tried and failed. I know I have a part in the breakup, but I also doubt the man could have a real relationship with anyone. Stop blaming yourself. Work on your insecurities without him and find someone with a heart next time.

 

Hi, no man has EVER made me feel like that in a relationship, when we first got together and most of the time we had together, it was like he wanted to show me off to the world and we would do amazing things. The actions spoke that he cared and yes, maybe he was falling in love with me.

 

At the end we were snapping at each other, because neither of us would talk things through. I felt like I was always guessing what he was thinking and feeling, which lead to me altering my behaviour and becoming more insecure. I lost myself and that's why I'm still feeling so rough. I always held back from talking because I didn't want to appear pushy, whereas for most of the relationship I was completely myself.

 

We still need to talk too, we have items to swap and neither of us really stated what we were going to do about that. We're just invisible to each other at the moment but we both need our time and space. It didn't end in a very nasty way, but we needed to get away from each other, I understand that. I just wish our lives weren't so intertwined because I feel like I am hiding away from the world rather than being able to throw myself into anything. I know him well enough, not his thoughts but his routines, to be able to avoid him for now though.

[northpickle]

Just a note to myself, so I can look back on my progress or whatever in the future.

 

Today is a good day, I'm feeling brighter and taking care of myself more. I'm still sad but not tempted to break the NC, and I am wondering a little how he is feeling. But I've put myself as a priority today and trying to get back on track.

[northpickle]

VERY emotionally wobbly today, it's like I'm doing OK, plodding on with normal things but always with this background of thoughts and sadness. And then WHAM, some crippling thought will enter my head and I feel like I'm starting all over again.

 

It's like he wanted to get close to me, really close I mean, but then just couldn't do it. And when I reacted to him being stand-offish, I was the one who was in the wrong and had issues.

 

I still remember something he wrote in my Christmas card:

 

"Thank you for being the part of my life that I thought I would never fill"

 

I'm so so sad today And I hope today isn't the day I get the next breadcrumb, because I would be very vulnerable to it

[northpickle]

RANT TO THE EX (I'm not sending this to him, by the way, it's purely to get things written down)

 

I'm both angry and sad. You pursued me for months before we got together, the signals and words were all that you didn't want a fling, you only wanted something serious between us. The chemistry, you knew me well enough and I was what you wanted. The way you opened up your life to me from the beginning and I did the same. You would whisk me away, I met your long distance friends and extended family within weeks, the text that said "I've told my dad about us and he's excited about the opportunities"?! This was only a few weeks in! Why do I still remember that? I bet you don't.

 

I fell for you hard but then you started to keep some distance, some of the things you used to say to me.

 

"I don't think I can give you any more"

"I care for you but your feelings are stronger than mine"

 

but then, out of nowhere

 

"I love you"

 

What the * * * * ens were you doing to my head?! No wonder I was getting so upset at the least bit thing! Why did I stay with you for so long and then be the one that feel rejected at the end? You were rejecting me for a long time.

 

I don't honestly think you know what you want, but you made your decision that it wasn't me. I'm so upset at how this has happened. I stayed with you because I craved any affection from you because it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. You got me hooked and then bailed out. You are just as much as a mess as me.

 

I genuinely love you with all my heart, and at least you know that. I don't really know what is going on in that head of yours but I hope you figure it out. I feel kicked to the side of the road, sweetheart. I'm tired of thinking about you, to be honest. It's hard to give up on somebody with so many wonderful qualities, but we both lost ourselves.

 

We were amazing together, but not at the end. This is like going cold turkey but it's the best thing I can do. I do miss you, the weekends are hard because that was "our" time, but I'm getting through them. I'd like to think one day you can open up to me but we shall see.

 

***********

 

I'm now on day 14 of no contact, I have heard nothing further from him since the breadcrumb text at the start. I'm doing a lot better with myself and the anxiety has dropped right down. I'm not pining for him as much as at the start, I'm now just confused and bewildered at what has happened.

 

It seemed like all the pieces were there but somehow we didn't fit together right. Why did I let him get into my head so much? He's just another human being!

[Ms Darcy]

Awwww hugs.

[northpickle]

Awwww hugs.

 

Thank you

 

Went out last night with a friend, some food then a few drinks. I just couldn't get into it. It was like the whole world was going on around me, people having fun without a care in the world and I was stuck away in a little corner. I went home quite early.

 

I absolutely HATE HATE HATE feeling like this. It's awful! I want the weekend to be over. To be rejected by the person you gave everything to is a horrible thing. And feeling like I didn't do enough before the split to sort things out, and to think he just gave up on us. Urgh. 16 days NC now, the hurdles of my birthday and then his to come this week. Urgh urgh urgh!

[slyestia]

I just went over your story.I'm sorry for how things progressed.

Me and my ex,had a similar problem.He wouldn't hold my hand when going on the street,and he wouldn't always kiss and cuddle when I was in the mood for it,for example;there were a lot of small examples.And I would get upset for it,blamed him for not feeling the same,and get grumpy and closed off for a while.

Thing is,I blamed him,and questioned his feelings at every little thing that that he did or didn't do;One day,we were playing video games,and a conversation about it started.We discussed openly,and what he told me made so much sense,it made me feel guilty about the times I'd get pissed off at him for not hugging me in the doorway or something.He told me,that I am a very physical person,and he is not.It's just that simple when we broke it down; my over analyzing his behavior put a strain on the way we interacted,because he always felt like he wasn't doing well enough.And even when he was going overboard to try and please me,id still question it,because in my head,with my screwed up logic,it sounded like this "if he really loved me,I wouldn't be questioning anything".That couldnt be more wrong,and as it turns out,it was my own issues and irrational thought process that made me interpret his normal behavior as cold.

Sorry for hogging your thread space,but I think that my own little back story can provide you with a wee bit of insight.

I found that it's very important to find the correct source of the problem,otherwise you make it grow,and you end up causing a constellation of problems;And always remember that your quirks don`t make you who you are,but how you handle them does.

In my case,I decided to take a step back,and actually see what he was doing to show me how much he cared in his own peculiar way,like switching sides on the bed every time I spent the night,or adding carrots to foods even though he hated carrots.

We broke up since,for entirely different reasons,but looking back,I like to think that I learned from it,and got over some of my insecurities.

[northpickle]

Hi there! Thank you for reading my story so far and for your feedback. I do think that we were in similar situations and it's good to know I am not alone

I think if I had maybe approached things differently and talked about things then maybe our relationship would not have ended, but who knows? I know certainly that I wasn't the only one to blame anyway. But what is done is done, however sad it is.

 

I got a phone call last night from the mutual friend who stayed at his house for two weeks (mentioned earlier in the thread) and the first thing she asked is what had happened. I simply said I didn't want to talk about it and she asked no further questions, and we had a 15 minute conversation about other people and things. She mentioned that she has messaged the ex (probably to try and get the gossip from him!) and that he was fine and busy with work etc. I didn't really want to hear anything about him but I suppose it couldn't have been more neutral news, so I'm fine with that. I tried to sound as happy and care-free as I could, not sure how convincing I was though!

 

I'm still (STILL!) very up and down, last night I had a sudden rush of "So what? It's not the end of the world! I have my own life to live and if he doesn't want to be part of it then fine!" type feelings. This morning I feel a bit sad again, like I just want to talk to him, about anything! But I know that I want more than his friendship and it's much, much too soon to be in touch. I want him to think he's made the wrong decision but maybe he hasn't. He hasn't tried to get in touch for 15 days.

 

Sigh, I don't know! Day 17 No Contact today. Look at me go!

[northpickle]

Oh my GOD!!!

 

I've just got a birthday card from him! Through the post.

 

I'm shaking.

 

Wishing me a happy birthday and that if I want to meet up with him next week (I'm not sure whether he means this week or next) I have to let him know.

 

ARRGGHHHH!

 

What do I do?

[northpickle]

Oh, and he got the day of my birthday wrong too! He said "Tuesday" and it's Wednesday. Men!

[northpickle]

Just to say I have started a new thread on the card issue here as I need specific advice

[DN]

Why are you blaming all men for what one has done?

[northpickle]

Aw, I was just being flippant Just a bit upset that he didn't even know when my birthday is, if he was going to bother to send a card. Especially when it's just a few days before his.

[ElleBelle]

Hi Northpickle,

 

I have read through your posts and must say you are doing a great job. My breakup occurred on July 29 -- and I am on the verge of a serious breakdown to the point that my therapist asked me this morning if she needs to put me in the hospital.

 

My relationship was four years long and it centers around so much of what you are talking about -- a combination (key word is combination) of both of us--me and my insecurities and he and his criticisms of me--degrading it down to its current state of nonexistence.

 

My heart goes out to you and it makes me fell good to know that other people are going through the same thing, although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Gah.

 

Keep up with the NC because anything else is going to seriously set you back. Trust me.

[northpickle]

Hi Northpickle,

 

I have read through your posts and must say you are doing a great job. My breakup occurred on July 29 -- and I am on the verge of a serious breakdown to the point that my therapist asked me this morning if she needs to put me in the hospital.

 

My relationship was four years long and it centers around so much of what you are talking about -- a combination (key word is combination) of both of us--me and my insecurities and he and his criticisms of me--degrading it down to its current state of nonexistence.

 

My heart goes out to you and it makes me fell good to know that other people are going through the same thing, although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Gah.

 

Keep up with the NC because anything else is going to seriously set you back. Trust me.

 

Hi there, I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this and having such a hard time I know you'll come out the other side shining though

 

NC was going fine until this card, I was starting not to worry about it all too much this morning as well! Grrr!

 

Take care of yourself and thank you for reading my posts, you are never alone x

[ElleBelle]

Thank you I am just dreaming of the day that this horrible nightmare ends. My birthday and our anniversary are both in two weeks. God help me please....

[Julcic]

Just to add our 2 year anniversary was supposed to be 2 days after we broke up....table was booked etc at a special restaurant.....didnt get out of bed at all that day....but now I just think.....well I'd have ended up paying for it etc....glad i saved the money and have spent it on me instead!!! It will get easier girls.... xxx

[northpickle]

We'll get there, that I'm sure

 

Today is my 30th birthday.

 

It's 4am and I'm wide awake. I've had about 5 hours sleep but woke up and laid in bed, first feeling incredibly lonely and sad. I haven't had much of the loneliness feeling yet, we lived apart anyway, but with it being my birthday I would have been looking forward to maybe seeing him today and celebrating with him this weekend. And everyone else will be out celebrating with him (his birthday is on Saturday) and I can't go. I'll have to make different plans and do things I don't want to do. Or do nothing.

 

And then I played out in my head all the things I want to say to him, all the things he did to make me feel bad, I was angry. But if I ever mentioned anything, like how I was way down his list of priorities, and how other people seemed to be taking the mickey out of him whilst all I ever did was to treat him with respect, then I would have come accross as needy or causing problems, so there was no way I could have got anywhere.

 

God, I love him so much. Why did it ever come to this?

 

Anyway, happy birthday me!

[northpickle]

This birthday is the worst EVER, I feel really on edge for some reason. Like I'm expecting something to happen. Good or bad. I don't know, I can't really explain it...