Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

Feeling better

 

The phone call actually helped - talked for over an hour about random things. But I don't really want to be talking to other men, however innocent it is, when I know they probably have ulterior motives. Does that sound silly? I wouldn't worry about such things if I was in a relationship but I feel like people are just coming out of the woodwork because they know I'm single...

[Sim54]

Well, yes he is coming out of the woodwork coz he knows you're single! That's a positive thing. The only bad thing is that he doesn't seem to understand the concept of grieving and so doesn't allow you a second to yourself before pouncing. But even so, some girls are single for such a short period of time, that he is obviously seeing the 'window of opportunity' and taking a gamble.

 

Obviously it's too soon, and there is no way you're going there, but as someone said above, it's flattering.

 

Give yourself the time to grieve and don't worry about that feeling of being unfaithful. It's normal when you are still emotionally attached to someone.

 

You're doing fine.

 

S

[northpickle]

Thank you Sim

 

This all reminds me a bit of my last bad break up, the last time I had my heart broken, when I was 21. I suddenly had all manner of lads giving me attention and yeah, I guess they were "supporting" me through the break-up whilst waiting for their chance! I ended up moving back to my parents house for about 9 months a few miles away, got a new job and that really helped me get over things and I didn't date for a long time.

 

I unfortunately don't have the option of moving the hell away this time! My daughter is in school and so forth. I have lots more ties now than I did back then!

 

12 days NC...not that I'm counting or anything And dreading the weekend coming. Weekends are terrible, that's when I miss him most. I still miss him exactly the same amount as I did 4 weeks ago, but I'm a lot happier in myself. The anger is starting to come through a lot more, angry that he didn't think we were worth fighting for and angry with myself for falling for him so deeply. Gah!

[DN]

He's not a bad guy because he is interested in you. He's just guilty of bad judgment over timing.

 

Don't burn bridges you may regret later.

[northpickle]

Hey DN,

 

No, I don't think he's a bad guy or anything, but it's set me back a bit. I've been a lot more susceptible to triggers in the last 24 hours because of it. I've been into town today and certain places were reminding me of the ex, which they haven't done since the very early days after BU.

 

I'm not burning any bridges, and in a way it's good to be in touch with people, chatting and sending them links online and talking about the day and so on. But the nagging feeling that I'd rather be doing that with the ex still hasn't gone away yet.

[DN]

Well, it's a cliche but it does take time.

 

Overall, it looks like you are doing well under the circumstances. You are showing a lot of strength even though it may not feel like it.

[northpickle]

Thanks!

 

You're right, I don't feel like I'm being strong. I feel like I'm not being myself. I'm a fighter (not physical, I mean I fight for what I believe in) with added emotion! He was attracted to me for that.

 

I wish the hope would disappear, to be honest. I was so full of hope after the last time I saw him 2 weeks ago - now he hasn't got in touch since then the hope is fading fast.

[northpickle]

Hi all,

 

I feel like I'm going insane today and really need some advice.

 

It's been 2 weeks since last contact with the ex, where we agreed to keep in touch maybe once a week, "be honest with each other", meet up now and again and see what happens. Etc etc. Neither one of us has contacted the other. I feel like I'm going mad. My anxiety is super-high, my chest feels like it's going to burst. I can keep my anxiety in check so it doesn't lead to a panic attack but I'm not far off.

 

I seriously can't do this any more, I feel like I'm waiting around for him now. I can't stop running through the last conversation we had - did I come away from that thinking something different to him? Why should I sit around waiting? When he dumped me, yes, he said it was over but the last time I saw him I was led to believe that slowly, in time and with a lot of talking, maybe we could work things out.

 

But we're not talking at all. Is he moving on or is he still thinking about things? I can't stand this. Part of me doesn't want to break NC and to get hurt all over again, but it surely can't be worse than this? Plus I don't want to break NC and sound pushy if he is still considering things. And then what would I even say, ask him outright if I'm wasting my time thinking we could sort things out? Or just slowly open communication with something light to get back talking again.

 

Please please help - I'm going crazy I think!

 

PS I'm not going to do anything drastic right now, he's at work for the next 4 hours or so and wouldn't contact him whilst he was there.

 

I can't stand this any more!!!

[Sim54]

I totally know where you are at. That anxiety is crippling. You feel like you're going to burst!!

It's horrible. I lived with it daily for months and months. Crying most days.

In the beginning, i kept calling her, and we spoke, and she would call me. Neither of us could handle lengthy breaks, as the anxiety was so bad, but in the end, you HAVE to separate.

That anxiety you feel is the bond between you being stretched to breaking point.

It feels like if you don't see him, or get some contact, or some communication you will die.

But you won't.

How ever it may feel, it is NOT what he is doing or not doing that is making you anxious.

Although this situation is triggering it, it isn't caused by him.

It's your fear, and your feeling, and you must find a way to manage it.

He can't help you, and nor should you lay this emotion at his feet, or call him just to make it go away.

It won't.

If you call, you will feel better, but slowly it will creep back, and like an addict, you'll call again, until one of you says 'enough!' and slams the door and then, oh my god, the pain really hits!!

 

Call your best friend, try to get someone with you, who ever, but someone you can trust and ask then to help you.

You need some company right now.

Seriously, lean on your friend, that's what they are there for.

 

Keep posting it, and vent, and let it out.

Also, try to pamper yourself. What ever chores you are doing, stop, take a break, and try to settle down. Eat some nourishing food, curl up on the sofa with a duvet, cry, and have a nap. Give yourself a big mental hug.

Take CARE of yourself, just as if you were a little child who needed gentling down.

You deserve this, and you need this.

Your anxiety and fear is very real, and very painful, and deserves sympathy and compassion, from a friend, and from yourself.

 

The process of separation is a very, very painful one. If you were very closely bonded, it will feel like you are being torn to pieces, and in a way, you are...

 

What ever you do, don't call him.

The only way out of this is to go through it, so be brave, and remind yourself that this is all part of love, the good and the pain.

 

You are a sensitive human being, with a deep capacity for love and joy, and also grief and fear. Embrace these qualities.

 

Read this beautiful quote by Kahlil Gibran, on love. It is simply the most beautiful and purest words on love I think ever.

link removed

 

What ever you do, try to find a way to take care of yourself. You will feel better one day, but for now, you must travel this darker road.

 

Peace, and love, from Holland.

 

Sim

[northpickle]

Thank you so much Sim for your lovely post - I started reading the Kahlil Gibran poem and it started to make me cry, so I'll try again later!

 

I just still feel like I'm in limbo, and I just want a final answer from him so I can cut him out of my life completely if he's decided we're not worth it. Or as near to completely as I can, so many mutual friends and so on. I can't start to get over him completely when I'm still hanging on to that hope. I'm not sure he gave me that hope, was it because he still thinks things are worth it after some time and space or was he trying to let me down gently?

 

I have my daughter and her friend coming back from school in an hour or so, but I'll be alone this evening. I could go out and see friends I suppose.

 

I just want answers I suppose, even if they will cripple me, then I could truly move on.

[Sim54]

Hmm, perhaps. I always thought that in the end, you can make the decision to move on without the other. The truth is that even IF he says, it's over forever, that may STILL not get you to give up hope. And all you've done is make him say words he might not want to say.

 

If you can decide to move on anyway, and change the hope to something else, then that would be best.

 

I was hoping the Gibran would make you cry. You NEED to cry, to let this out, and heal yourself. You need to cry tears of grief, and loss, to grieve. It will ease your anxiety as well.

 

Can you call someone to come and see you? Do you have a female friend who can come spend the eve with you? Friday nights in aren't fun!

[northpickle]

Calmed myself down a bit, thanks

 

Part of me has been moving on and doing relatively well, I think it's because I've reached the 2 week point. It seems like a mini-milestone considering we are meant to be in LC. Half of me wants to just cut him out as best I can, and the other half doesn't in case there is something to work on, which seemed the case when we last met...

 

I don't know...I'm on my own now but might call a friend later or might even go out later, will see how I feel. Right now I'm enjoying the silence!

 

The urge to contact him has decreased a bit, but it's still there!

 

We said that we would be honest with each other, I'm thinking maybe I should do just that and say I can't deal with this LC anymore...

[northpickle]

...even though we haven't contacted each other

[symbiot]

Hey Pickle, When I was fresh into my BU i lost a full stone in one month. I couldn't sleep or eat and had to drive 55k each way to work everyday cause I moved away from my job to be with her. I had a headache and chest pains for 3 full months. You will make it.

[northpickle]

Hey symbiot

 

I was very much like that the first couple of weeks, I'm naturally slim (about 7 and a half stone) but had started to put on a bit of weight about 2 months before the BU, and probably was nearer 8 stone as I had given up smoking and was exercising and eating very well. I dread to think what I weigh now, probably around 7 stone. But I've been doing better the past few weeks...I'm starting to sleep and eat better. I'm just having an horrific day I guess.

 

We still need to swap our things, and I unfortunately have some important stuff at his house, I only have a few of his books I think. I just want this limbo to end for my own peace of mind if this is truly the end, but it looks like I'm going to have to be the one to get in touch for my own sanity.

[symbiot]

Yeah, When it was time for me to move back she had agreed to let me come over to say goodbye and give her a few things and pick up some of my stuff. I had planned on kissing all of her toes and all of her fingers then her lpis and finally her forehead and leave her with the same love that I had given her evernight. When it was time I sent my friend with a key to a locker with her things inside and I left all of my stuff with her. I just couldn't do it. It would have killed me.

[trezeralietas]

Hey Pickle! I can relate to you completely...as you know. I am in the exact same limbo spot and I am slowly starting to think that I have to decide for myself that it's over. I don't want to force him to say anything he doesn't mean, but I also can't wait around forever. I also hate the idea of waiting and not healing only to have him deliver the final death blow.

 

What I am doing is stepping away, maintaining NC, even though we are supposedly doing LC too. I am focusing on my own goals, taking care of myself, and letting him reach out to me. I am also telling myself that I am not going to hear from him--that it's over. I am letting his actions speak. As I've heard and read on this forum a million times....words are cheap. It's time for me to make myself less available and make him work to show his commitment and love.

 

I think you should do the same. Don't contact him--it will only hurt a day or two later. He knows where you stand. Give him space and peace.

 

Lots and lots of hugs to you! We'll get through this!!

 

-E

[northpickle]

Thanks all.

 

So you reckon I should just leave it and not say anything? I'm feeling calmer than I was previously. Right this second the hope has gone and I don't care whether I hear from him ever again! But this time tomorrow I'll probably be feeling different...

 

He has no idea what I'm going through.

[trezeralietas]

If you are feeling calmer at the moment, I would most definitely hold onto that as long as possible and definitely not break NC. And when tomorrow comes and if you are feeling rubbish about it, try to remember how you were feeling today...and don't call or text or email...it will only make you feel worse! Let him reach out! It stinks that they aren't reaching out right now because it perhaps says what they really want--not to be in contact with you. Take that as your truth right now and heal. If it's not the truth, he will reveal that to you in time. For now, believe it's over and move forward. Focus on that beautiful little daughter and yourself!

[northpickle]

Hey trez Good to hear from you as always

 

He's just always been so held back when talking about anything heartfelt - when I met up with him 2 weeks ago it was me who initiated the "serious" part of our chat and thinking back there were moments when I was just sat there looking at him whilst he struggled to put any words together. I realise now he's not cold, he just struggles expressing what is on his mind when it comes to emotion. I have to prod him to talk about anything. I know him well enough, I know he won't be happy right now, I know he'll be mulling everything over. I don't know whether he regrets the decision or not though. And I am very worried about him. I really don't want to be but I am.

 

From what I've heard and seen from his behaviour since the BU he either is suffering very badly and going off the rails a little bit OR when he was with me he wasn't being himself and he really is quite self-destructive. The mature, sensible man I knew was all an act. I so wish I didn't give a damn about him!

 

It took him nearly two years to tell me he had feelings for me. And most of the initial approach was done by, yep, email!

 

It's 4.30am and woke up in the middle of the night, but I'm OK and going back to bed soon. I had another vivid dream but it wasn't about him - thankfully! Have plans for the morning and then another Saturday to get through. Joy!

[DN]

What are you doing on Saturday to keep busy?

[northpickle]

Hi DN,

 

I'm helping run a politics open morning at the local university in a few hours, just to talk to new students and give them an introduction to the basic principles of democracy and how politics affects everyday life and so on. That's until lunchtime. Then I have no plans except I need to be back home for 4 o clock as a neighbour is popping over to borrow something! But my evening is free. I do have people I can call and meet up with but haven't done so yet.

[DN]

I do have people I can call and meet up with but haven't done so yet.

Then don't let it go - call them as soon as you can. What about Sunday?

[northpickle]

Yeah, I'll call as soon as my open morning has finished I know a certain friend is definitely free so will probably meet up with him early evening, maybe go for some food and a few drinks?

 

Sunday - I'm going with my daughter to see my grandparents for lunch, be back home mid-afternoon, get things ready for school the next day, housework.

 

Some days I feel like I'm moving on but others I feel like I'm no further forward. Is that normal?

[DN]

Totally normal.

 

Don't measure by how you were yesterday but by last week or even last month.