Moving On To Better Times

[Sim54]

Why not? All men and women suffer with 'commitment issues' at some point in their lives, sometimes occasionally , and sometimes, forever more. If you can't give someone a straight answer - you are being 'non-committal' (for whatever reason or excuse). In relationships, we think that it's okay for people to hang around until we decide the time is right for things to progress. In business, is this acceptable? No. I think pretty much that everything we do in our lives is similar in one way or the other.

 

Being non committal is not the same as being commitment phobic.

Commitment phobia is, as the name suggests, a chronic fear of commitment, and usually plays accross all areas of life: work, love, personal projects.

 

Labels don't help.

[FreedomRing]

North - I've been following along with your story......and just decided to post now.

 

I really agree with Sim here....it's very clear that your ex is all about living his life FOR HIM at the moment. I won't go as far as to say that you are not on his mind, or that he doesn't care about you - but HE is his main priority. Having fun(whether that may mean getting in contact with exes, bailing work, getting sloshed, planning getaways/activities with other friends) without you is his focus presently. Half-heartedly inviting you to tag along to events he is going to regardless if you go, is really weak imo.

 

Men are attracted to women who show self respect and dignity to themselves. By eagerly agreeing to meet up with him(again, on his terms...only when HE invites) is a disservice to you. He dumped YOU. And now he is living his life as he sees fit. The tone, and subject matter of your emails to him were that of a girlfriend who is upset on being excluded from his life....except one MAJOR point....you are BROKEN UP. That relinqueshes your right to comment on the events in his life.....(it doesn't seem like he is commenting on your life and whereabouts?).

 

Your ex seems like the type who will always come sniffing when it's clear he's not on your radar. Expect these little "crumb bits" to continue..little invites to meet up here and there, especially as you maintain NC and focus on YOU. But don't become disillusioned......he's fully capable of stating he wnats to give it another shot with you, etc...and HE IS NOT DOING THAT. Him apologizing over and over again for hurting your feelings, makes you look weak and him in control of how you get to feel. And again, thats too coupley....he's not your bf...he shouldn't have to go around thinking twice if adding a friend/ex/fwb/whatever or going to such event - "how is this going to make NORTH feel??"

 

Notice he said to "go ahead and block him" on FB if it's too painful for you. WOW. A guy who wanted to be with you would NOT even suggest something like this......makes you appear feeble and his every move is making you unstable....don't give him that satisfaction! BLOCK HIM.

 

Take care of yourself and go back to NC.....because you deserve better then this!!!!!!!!!!

[northpickle]

Hey FreedomRing, thank you so much for your post. You're completely right. I blocked him last night and going back to NC land I need to regain my strength.

[northpickle]

I have ZERO motivation today, I have no idea what's up with me! I don't feel particularly sad or anything, just a lack of get-up-and-go! I applied for my provisional driving license this morning and have made plans to go out on Friday night...

 

...with my parents! How rock and roll!

 

But I'm looking forward to it, I'm going to be staying at their house and it's in another town, so this has a few benefits. I'm not sat in looking at my own four walls. There is a gig I want to go to in my home town but I can't be chewed with the risk of bumping into the ex this weekend and he might well be there. I'm going to spend some time with family instead. There are loads of good gigs coming up so not overly fussed about missing this one. I need a weekend off after the contact from him this week

[northpickle]

UPDATE:

 

Had a really good day yesterday, I got my police check back (I'm clean!) so I can start my voluntary job at last! I've been waiting over 4 months for this, it had to be a rigorous check because of the nature of my role but it's all systems go! Really can't wait to get stuck into it, it's something completely different to anything I've ever done before and is a massive step in the right direction of how I want my life to go. So excited!

 

I went out last night but only had a few drinks, the alcohol was making me quite melancholy so didn't want to drink too much, I felt like I couldn't really let myself go and relax, but that's OK. I understand it might be like that for a while and that's fine.

 

He emailed me yesterday morning trying to arrange a meet-up today (I ignored it), and he texted me about an hour ago asking if I'd seen the email (!) and again, do I want to meet up today... (and I've ignored that too) he's starting to annoy me! I know if I meet up with him then the chemistry will be back again, I'll feel sad that we're not together and I'll be back to square one again. He is just not stating his intentions!

[Sim54]

I understand your frustrations, but try not to 'ignore' him. If you don't want to speak to him, then tell him that.

What do you mean he's not voicing his intentions?

He's suggesting you meet up.

What is it that you think he's not saying?

I think you need to decide what you want, and then go for that, rather than withdraw and hope he figures it out.

 

How about you state YOUR intentions, and then make a choice based on what ever he says in response?

 

As long as our choices or our path are dictated by what someone ELSE does, then we are 'victims' of anothers behaviour.

 

Ultimately, two people are either growing closer, or growing further apart. There isn't any status quo.

So, you can either hang in limbo and hope he magically starts meeting your (hidden) expectations, or you can decide how you want your life to be, and then implement that.

If that means telling him what you want, and then accepting the consequences, then so be it.

Or you simply shut him out with no explanation and walk off (kind of what you're doing by ignoring him right now), although that will eventually make him disappear.

 

It really depends what you want.

If you want him back, then you need to somehow empathise with how he feels and at the same time set firm boundaries on what you want (quality of contact, etc).

 

If you asked someone to meet you, and they ignored it. How would that make you feel?

Don't make the mistake of taking revenge on him. It will only give you short-lived reward.

If you don't want to meet him, then reply and politely decline.

 

When me and my ex split, we spent many months in contact. I tried to get her back, but she was resolute in saying no. I wasn't doing what she wanted I guess, but the point is that she NEVER blanked me, and she always returned my calls, but she never gave in. Her strength was not in playing hide and seek, or whatever, it was sticking to her guns. She never came over as weak or easy when she replied, because she never gave in. That was her strength.

[TomboyMS]

When me and my ex split, we spent many months in contact. I tried to get her back, but she was resolute in saying no. I wasn't doing what she wanted I guess, but the point is that she NEVER blanked me, and she always returned my calls, but she never gave in. Her strength was not in playing hide and seek, or whatever, it was sticking to her guns. She never came over as weak or easy when she replied, because she never gave in. That was her strength.

 

And the reason northpickle should put herself through this is?

[Sim54]

And the reason northpickle should put herself through this is?

 

Good question.

I'm not saying she should do this at all.

She can absolutely ignore his calls.

It simply depends on what she wants.

If she wants him back, then ignoring him is a bad idea.

It would be better if she needs some real space to heal and move on to tell him to stop contacting her unless it's to discuss actively healing their relationship. That way, she gets the space she needs, and he get's to feel the consequences of his actions.

 

I just feel that blanking people is a game.

[professorplum]

I think Sim54 makes some valid points. Pickle you are the victim of someone else's procrastination and indecision. He is confused and he has / is not treating you well. I would agree about the revenge factor because I have been in the same position. It gives short lived satisfaction and power and then you feel even more sad when that feeling of power wears off.

 

If you think he clearly knows what you want and he is unable to provide that then you need to move on as best you can however long it takes or however hard it is. Be sure in your mind that he does know because by ignoring him now you are blocking certain possibilities of moving forward. This may well be the best course of action but you must do it from a position of strength not simply to make a point.

 

I appreciate NC is vital but only when all other options have been exhausted. If you have decided that enough is enough I would carry on ignoring him - he may pursue for a while but he will eventually give up and this will fizzle out without the necessary closure for you? If you still want him back then you need to meet and lay down strict boundaries as to how that might happen bearing in mind it could take months of being apart before you are reunited to your satisfaction. Good luck.

[northpickle]

Hey everybody, thank you for the most recent replies, I will have a look through them properly and answer later today, I just have a big update to write down and get off my chest.

 

I texted him back yesterday (as yeah, I feel bad ignoring him) and said I was happy to meet him at 5pm, but I couldn't stay out long because I was going to a gig at 8pm (which was the truth). We swap a couple of texts, sort out the venue and he says he'll bring my possessions that he still has. Fine.

 

So I meet up with him in a pub, he said he'd already been out for a couple of hours with some friends. We chat. We laugh.

 

As I'm just finishing my drink he starts to say something, twice, I have to ask him what he wants to say. He says he would actually quite like to go to the gig that I was going to. I'm not sure why he was finding that hard to say.

 

I suggest then that we have another drink then go for something to eat, he had a messenger bag with my possessions in it so he said he was happy to carry that for me.

 

He suggests we go to an Indian restaurant to eat, which we do. We have a great time.

 

We go to the gig, again we have a great time. Again, everything is there apart from holding hands or whatever.

 

Toward the end of the night, we bump into a few of his friends, I haven't met them that often before so I don't know them too well. The ex says he wants to go to a nightclub with them and that I should come and have a dance. I really didn't want to do that though, I'd had enough to drink and was getting tired. He said he would walk me home and go back to meet them.

 

He walks me home (only a five minute walk). He puts his arm around me as we walk. He comes in my house, fusses over my cats for a second. As I'm in the living room taking off my coat he shouts "OK, I'm going, see you later" and just leaves without looking at me.

[northpickle]

Just to add:

 

I didn't mention our old relationship at any point, we chatted about a few things we had done in normal conversation but nothing about "us", if you understand.

 

I didn't ask if we were going home together.

 

I didn't mention when we should meet up or contact each other again.

 

I just tried to have the most fun night possible.

 

He really is hard to read and he finds it hard to say anything to do with emotion or feelings anyway. I have to push him to say anything, but I didn't last night. He knows how I feel.

[superfox]

Im amazed at you, it just sounds like a serious head****

Listen to Christina Perri's song, 'jar of hearts' x

[northpickle]

Im amazed at you, it just sounds like a serious head****

Listen to Christina Perri's song, 'jar of hearts' x

 

Hey, I don't know the song but I'll look it up, thanks

 

My head is a little battered, to be honest! I'm OK though. It was like we were dating again but he was holding back. He knows how I feel and that I want to work on things and that I can't be his friend, so I'm not sure whether what is going on is because he DOES want to work on things slowly and this is the way to do it or what?! No idea.

[superfox]

No idea either, could be he's coping with the break by seeing you in small doses to make his healing easier? But who knows, we can't look inside their heads

 

Oh and it's a sad but positive song! About no more chances

[northpickle]

Thank you, I've listened to it and it's lovely

 

It was a really weird night, in retrospect. My first proper boyfriend was there (he's a sound engineer and quite often appears at some of the gigs I go to). I dated him when I was 16-19, for two and a half years with a 6 month break in the middle. He's 8 years older than me. He kept coming over to chat to me, was a bit flirty and gave me a couple of hugs.

 

One of the recent exes friends was chatting with me, one of the lads he was going to go to the nightclub with. I've only met him twice before, he assumed I was still with the ex and when he came over to me again (I guess the ex must have told him we weren't together) he was saying "Nooo, noooo, really? Why? What happened? I don't believe it. You two are meant to be together!". Loads of people have said that or similar. It doesn't really help!

[northpickle]

Hi Sim, thank you for another great post

 

I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel, I don't want to shut the door on him because I do want the chance of recon, but if you read my post on what happened last night it just makes me confused all over again. He doesn't say I do want to get back with you, he doesn't say that he doesn't. He doesn't say much at all. And if I were to mention it then don't I come accross as pushy?

 

I don't want to close the door on him. Our bond is quite honestly something special. So much so that other people comment on it.

[northpickle]

Hey Prof

 

As you'll know from my updates, I stopped ignoring him. I'm sure he knows what I want, I'm not sure if he knows what HE wants though. It was really hard for me last night not to put my arm around him, put my hand on his knee or whatever, he didn't touch me until he walked me home. And it's going to be like that from now until forever, that's why I can't be his friend and he knows that. Unless I get a clear signal that he wants to be with me, and I don't mind taking it as slow as possible, then no good can really be gained from seeing him.

 

Just being in his company gives me such a boost though, until I have to go home alone. How can he go from hanging out with me, having so much fun and taking me home to this awful situation? It's heart-wrenching

[DN]

How oftern are you prepared to be treated like that? I could see nothing that happened last night other than wanting to be a friend.

[Sim54]

I'm afraid that I agree with DN.

I don't think he does know how you feel, because he wouldn't do that.

But if he DOES know how you feel and then 'friend zoned' you, then her really has no respect for your boundaries at all.

Either way, are you getting what you want right now?

He needs to feel the consequences of his actions if there is any hope he might change.

Don't make it so easy for him.

You don't have to shut the door, but setting clear and strong boundaries ISN'T being pushy.

Telling someone what to do is pushy, but simply stating what you expect as basic treatment isn't.

[northpickle]

How oftern are you prepared to be treated like that? I could see nothing that happened last night other than wanting to be a friend.

 

Neither can I, he was pushing so hard to want to see me, I gave in again. He KNOWS I can't be his friend, I've told him that at least 3 times. He has no solid reason to contact me now, possessions (none important) have been exchanged so I'm going into NC again. The way he left upset me and I can't do that again, it's like he freaked out...I don't understand why he came through my door, fussed my cats and then just ran off when my back was turned. Why would anyone do that? Either don't come in, see me off at the doorstep or come in and then say goodbye properly at least.

[northpickle]

I'm afraid that I agree with DN.

I don't think he does know how you feel, because he wouldn't do that.

But if he DOES know how you feel and then 'friend zoned' you, then her really has no respect for your boundaries at all.

Either way, are you getting what you want right now?

He needs to feel the consequences of his actions if there is any hope he might change.

Don't make it so easy for him.

You don't have to shut the door, but setting clear and strong boundaries ISN'T being pushy.

Telling someone what to do is pushy, but simply stating what you expect as basic treatment isn't.

 

Hey, he definitely knows how I feel. I didn't say anything last night but the few times we've been in touch since the BU I've told him I can't be his friend. I'm not getting what I want, no. He hasn't contacted me after last night and I'm not going to contact him. Maybe I do have to set boundaries, I don't know. I suggested that three weeks ago (the last time we met before yesterday) and he said it was daft, that we both knew what we were comfortable with and I can get in touch when I like...I didn't get in touch for 2 weeks and he emailed me.

[northpickle]

He texted me late last night... "Sorry for all the hurt I've caused. Hope you enjoyed the bands. It was great seeing you x"

 

I haven't replied yet as I only got it this morning.

 

This is horrible! Ugh!

[DN]

What reply could you send that would make you feel better? If the answer is 'nothing would make me feel better' then send nothing.

[Sim54]

I think you should change the title of your thread. You're not silly, nor are you old, nor did you wreck it, nor, by the sounds of it, was it amazing with this guy.

Lift yourself up!!

[DN]

I think you should change the title of your thread. You're not silly, nor are you old, nor did you wreck it, nor, by the sounds of it, was it amazing with this guy.

Lift yourself up!!

I agree - the title is far too self-blaming for the circumstances.