Moving On To Better Times

[DN]

Good luck - hope it turns out well but make sure your bs detector is working.

[northpickle]

Thank you - I'll be worrying about it all day tomorrow but will try and keep myself occupied! I just know him, if I don't bring anything up then I think it will be another "friends night out" I think. It took him 2 years to say that he fancied me! This is quite seriously the last shot I'm giving this, which sounds weird as I'm the "dumpee" but because of the time and our personalities and the way he is behaving, those lines are much more blurred.

 

I'll probably be back on here tomorrow panicking!

[Sim54]

Hi, just wondered what was happening here, and popped on to see.

Try not to panic about this today, ok?

Knowing him, as you do, then you will have to bring it up, and early on in the evening, ideally before you've drunk any alcohol!

It's up to YOU to set the clear boundaries on how you expect things to be going in your life. He can't read your mind, and while you think you've been clear with him, that was a few weeks ago now, and well, his behaviour suggests that what you said isn't foremost in his mind right now. Like I said, he's probably coasting here, as it keeps him feeling secure.

I say this as a guy who has done that myself, not with ill intention, but simply because I didn't want the girl to totally shut me out, despite the fact that I couldn't come back to her at that time. Not proud of it, but well, there it is.

 

Despite how scary it might feel, setting strong boundaries and sticking to them WILL have a positive effect on him. In any case, it will end this limbo you're in which is a good thing, and might even give you back a feeling of having some control over your life, rather that waiting and wondering what he is going to do.

 

Good luck!!

Rooting for you!

 

Perhaps, arrange a brunch for tomorrow with a girlfriend as a backup plan? Brunch is always good. Scrambled eggs, yum!!

 

Sim

[northpickle]

Hi Sim, thank you very much!

 

I'm going out for the day shortly and I'll be coming back home mid-afternoon before meeting him at 7pm. I wanted to get out to take my mind off worrying about it. I'm not 100% sure what to say, how to approach it. I agree that I'm going to lay down the boundaries early on, which means that I might be coming home early too, but that's fine.

 

It's the thought of trying to come accross as self-assured and certain of the boundaries that I want, without wanting to push him away any more. But maybe I do have to finally push him away if I can't get what I want from him? Urgh!

 

Anyway, some retail therapy for a few hours is going to help

[Sim54]

Setting boundaries WILL push him away, but then isn't that the point?

If you try to imagine your boundary as an actual fence around you, then right now, he's trampled it over, and is standing in your front yard. He just stepped on your flowerbed and is busy peeking in your living room window!

When you rebuild your fence, you say, 'you can't trample my roses (my feelings), and you can't come stand in my garden (carry on being close to me) until you learn to respect my feelings.'

If he is an adult, and wants meaningful contact with you, then he will step back outside your garden, and then stay for a chat OVER the garden fence, and if he sticks around and shows real respect then you can open the gate at a later time and allow him back in to the garden (of eden!!).

If, however, he responds by running away and withdrawing, then he his showing childish behaviour and was probably only using you. What an immature person does is they either invade you, or withdraw totally and abandon you. An adult will do neither, but will stand at a respectful distance until such time as he is allowed closer again.

 

You have to change how you are viewing this. You are still hoping that he will choose you again, but he has LOST the privilege to make that choice. It is now YOUR choice as to whether you let him in again.

 

You don't want to totally withdraw yourself, but simply let him know that you are willing to discuss solving your relationship problems but OVER the garden fence, not with him running amok amongst the flowers (don't mention the garden analogy, he might think you're bonkers!!)

 

Your first priority is to take care of you, and your feelings. Forget about the relationship for now, that will take care of itself when you two are both feeling better. And stop worrying about how he feels, or whether you push him away. One step at a time. Set the boundary first, then see what happens and respond to that.

 

Good luck and enjoy the afternoon. I'm off for a walk in the forest!

[northpickle]

Thank you so much Sim, I hope your forest walking went well

 

Ugh, Just under two hours to go, I'm trying to chill out a bit before I get ready to go and meet him. I have no idea why I'm so worried, my thoughts are in a bit of a mess to be honest. I don't know what to say to him!? I don't know what I want! Well, I do I suppose, just panicking a little bit.

 

Deep breaths Pickle, deep breaths!

[Airbag]

Good luck northpickle, I'm sure it will be alright

[northpickle]

Aw, thanks Airbag, I'm just sitting here smoking far too many cigarettes before I jump in the bath I'm not scared of seeing him, I'm a bit scared that I'm going to have to lead the conversation down a route that might be a bit uncomfortable and I don't know how he is going to react. Whether he'll shut off or be more responsive.

[shortest_straw90]

I don't know what I want! Well, I do I suppose, just panicking a little bit.

Hey Pickle just been updating myself with your situation. Hope everything goes well for you, I might be a little blind here or stupid is the better word haha but what is it that you want from him?

[DN]

I would wait first and see if he takes the lead.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Good luck!!!! I would say - if he's not interested in getting back together, or talking about it meaningfully, then you cut him off. He doesn't get to ease himself out of his feelings by having a 'fix' of you every few weeks. Boundaries, and focus on you. See what he has to say, and be honest and open, but don't give him this option of seeing you every couple of weeks if he's not wanting to look at getting back together.

[northpickle]

I don't know what I want! Well, I do I suppose, just panicking a little bit.

Hey Pickle just been updating myself with your situation. Hope everything goes well for you, I might be a little blind here or stupid is the better word haha but what is it that you want from him?

 

Hey Phil, thanks. I guess I want a commitment more than him just being a friend that I meet up with every 2-3 weeks, as much as I love spending time with him and always did, it's still painful that we're not "together", if you see what I mean. That we're not holding hands, or making plans, even if it is just to go out for day trips or whatever. I'm willing to take it slow or whatever, but if he has lost his romantic feelings for me then seeing him as just friends is just too hard

 

I would wait first and see if he takes the lead.

 

I will do this, I think. But I really don't think he will, going on our past meet ups. We shall see. The last time I saw him was like one of our early dates, except the lack of physical affection and that he told some of our mutual friends who didn't know we had split up that we weren't together.

[northpickle]

Good luck!!!! I would say - if he's not interested in getting back together, or talking about it meaningfully, then you cut him off. He doesn't get to ease himself out of his feelings by having a 'fix' of you every few weeks. Boundaries, and focus on you. See what he has to say, and be honest and open, but don't give him this option of seeing you every couple of weeks if he's not wanting to look at getting back together.

 

Thank you Honey Pumpkin (what a great name, love it ) This is pretty much what I want to say, I'm just a bit unsure of how to say it!

[shortest_straw90]

Hey Phil, thanks. I guess I want a commitment more than him just being a friend that I meet up with every 2-3 weeks, as much as I love spending time with him and always did, it's still painful that we're not "together", if you see what I mean. That we're not holding hands, or making plans, even if it is just to go out for day trips or whatever. I'm willing to take it slow or whatever, but if he has lost his romantic feelings for me then seeing him as just friends is just too hard

 

Yeah I agree with you, thats what I said to my ex at the beginning of the week. I said its all or nothing so make a choice now and she chose to get back together.

Its just too difficult to just be friends after being exclusive to one another. Im sure he'll understand your point.

[northpickle]

Yeah I agree with you, thats what I said to my ex at the beginning of the week. I said its all or nothing so make a choice now and she chose to get back together.

Its just too difficult to just be friends after being exclusive to one another. Im sure he'll understand your point.

 

You're back together? Oh, I had no idea! Brilliant news! I think I needed to be more confident bringing up things in the relationship, looking back, instead of brushing things under the carpet. So even though our relationship has ended, I need to keep my head up high and state what I want.

 

Bath running, see you all on the other side!

[shortest_straw90]

haha not exactly I made a thread on what happened today, broke up again yesterday, if your interested just go have a look at it.

Im ok though, I guess I wasnt expecting it to work to be honest. Nothing wrong with fighting for someone you love youve just got to know when to stop fighting I suppose.

Good luck Pickle.

[northpickle]

Oh no I'll check out your thread in the morning, sorry it didn't go according to plan Phil

 

I have 10 minutes to play with then heading out, thank you everyone for your well wishes. You'll hear back from me either later this evening or tomorrow morning on how it went. Hope you all have a lovely Saturday x

[shortest_straw90]

Yeah no problem Pickle like I said I never really had my hopes up anyway.

You stay strong out their tonight and remember were all here for you whatever happens.

Good luck xxx

[northpickle]

Hi,

 

Well, here's the update. I hope this makes sense because I'm very upset. I get to the pub, he's about 5 minutes behind me and I'm just chatting to some regulars at the bar as he walks in. The first thing he says is "Hey, your hair looks really good". We go to a table, chat, laugh, blah de blah. For about an hour or so. On drink 3 he offers to play a game of pool, which we do, and I win! I can't say he looked 100% comfortable but then neither did I.

 

After the game of pool, just finishing off drink 3, he says this is going to be his last drink. I get a massive twang of sadness and I know it's time to bite the bullet. I say that although I enjoy spending time with him that it's far too hard for me to be his friend, as I still love him, and unless we can continue communicating in a meanful way to sorting things out then I can't see him any more. His eyes well up, he starts crying and said that he made his decision, and he's sorry he came out tonight and because we were friends before we got together he thought it would be OK. And he can't see us getting back together at the moment. And then he picks up his hat and walks out the door. Literally like that. No goodbye, no hug, no nothing. I didn't even get the chance to say everything I wanted to. He just scarpered. Like all that time was worth nothing.

[Airbag]

Hey there north. So sorry you're upset right now You did the best you could, right? I think he just got overwhelmed with emotions and that's why he just walked out that door. I admire your courage to meet him and just told him the truth!

[diamond78]

I'm sorry to hear how things went down, but this guy seems like he is afraid of his own feelings. When things get tough or too emotional inside for him, he runs away from it. That's how it appears to me.

[northpickle]

Hey Airbag, thank you, I'm so upset. I've just come home with 4 cans of lager and going to vent it out on here a bit. I feel so stupid He just ran away again and I didn't get a chance to say everything I wanted to. I literally got 4 sentences out of my mouth...

[northpickle]

I'm sorry to hear how things went down, but this guy seems like he is afraid of his own feelings. When things get tough or too emotional inside for him, he runs away from it. That's how it appears to me.

 

Hi diamond Yeah, and I thought it was was all my fault when I was in the relationship, it wasn't. I was perfectly straight down the line and upfront tonight and not emotional, just said it how it was and he just ran away. He's 32. Blast me for falling in love with him!

[diamond78]

Hi diamond Yeah, and I thought it was was all my fault when I was in the relationship, it wasn't. I was perfectly straight down the line and upfront tonight and not emotional, just said it how it was and he just ran away. He's 32. Blast me for falling in love with him!

 

You thought things were your fault? Hmmmm, what caused the breakup initially, if I may ask?

[northpickle]

You thought things were your fault? Hmmmm, what cause the breakup initially, if I may ask?

 

Oh, it's all back in the beginning of the thread - long story short we had a disagreement at the end of August - I was unsure that he felt the same way about me as he didn't seem to show it very much and had been backing off for a while. Which led to me pushing a bit. We had a minor fall out, I didn't hear from him for a few days and he sent me an email saying he didn't want to be in a relationship where there were arguments every few weeks. Even though these "arguments" weren't big things, I was just unsure how he felt about me and I did feel like I was a long way down his priority list.

 

I have no idea...I could tell tonight that he still really likes me, but maybe not enough? He's so confusing and he won't ever speak about how he feels. After over a year together I suppose I got tired of it.