Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

Hey Anna, yep, I'm trying to move on too. I understand a lot of what you're saying, I also think my ex wasn't moving on very well despite him being the dumper, me having cut off all contact now I'm not sure how he is doing, but I'm trying not to think about him too much. I'm also trying to concentrate on other things but it is really hard.

 

I'm feeling quite ill today, full of a horrible cold and feeling very lethargic and stuffed up, which doesn't help!

[Liraele]

Have a movie or show that always makes you laugh?

 

(For me it's Dane Cook... doesn't hurt that I think he's cute.)

 

When I had those down days... I'd just netflix something or pop in a DVD and laugh myself out of it, if not for the day, at least for a little while. That little reprieve made it a little easier to get through the rest of the pain of the day.

 

I feel for ya... I was there not so long ago myself.

 

It will get better. You're doing better than you realize, just by being here, talking it out, and continuing to work through everything. It's all a step in the right direction.

[northpickle]

Thanks Liraele I am doing loads better, it's been 23 days since I last saw and spoke him now, which seems bizarre for some reason! I'm trying hard not to think about him, what he's doing and what he's thinking, it's difficult (being such the analytical person that I am!)

 

He definitely became the light of my life, the one person I'd always look forward to seeing and being in touch with, I still really miss that. As well as all the great times and adventures we had together. I know he enjoyed that too and I'm really trying not to wonder whether he is missing me or anything. I do have my moments where I feel bad for dumping him as a friend though, because I miss seeing him. But I was strong, stated my boundaries and held my head up high. I can't be just friends with someone I deeply love and have so many fond memories and strong feelings for.

 

But I still don't feel any different towards him! I'm much more in control of my own life and feelings now...but I still love him! It just hurts less, I suppose. I hope that's progress

[northpickle]

Love isn't logical, or some such cliche. I try and leave out logic but focus on rational. But I do know why I loved (love) her. I don't know if that serves any purpose when it comes to healing, but I am glad I'm clear about that in my mind.

 

Hi Winnie, I was going to pick up on this yesterday but was feeling way too poorly to think straight! Plus I didn't want to sit here and make a list of all the good things about him as I don't think that will help my healing. Yes, I do know why I love him but a lot of it is intangible, if that makes sense. And weirdly enough a lot of it was physical, his body, his smell, his voice - which sounds really odd coming from someone like me, as I would say I rate intelligence and conversation for example as far more important. He certainly had that too. But there was a crazy sexual chemistry between us. And I kind of got sucked into his "aura", for want of a better word! Just being next to him made me feel amazing.

 

But I wasn't happy with a lot of stuff too, I went from being a high priority in his life to...I'm not sure...somewhere further down the list! And although I'm not particularly clingy, as he pulled away towards the end, I pushed a bit too much. But I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to lose him I guess. I'm certainly learning a lot about myself from this break-up, so that has to be a good thing

[winniethepooh]

I do have my moments where I feel bad for dumping him as a friend though,

Understandable but when you have those moments, try to remember that you didn't dump him as a friend, you respected his desire to leave you. When he did that, he had to lose the friendship also. It's only after you've healed from the breakup that you can then consider whether or not you want a friendship.

 

I can't be just friends with someone I deeply love and have so many fond memories and strong feelings for.

Exactly. You can't just flick a switch and change the nature of your love for him from romantic to friendship. You have to lose the romantic love then see how you feel.

 

It just hurts less, I suppose. I hope that's progress

Yes it is. Keep going

[winniethepooh]

Yes, I do know why I love him but a lot of it is intangible, if that makes sense.

Yes it does. I think it's good that you know why, even the intangible things.

 

And I kind of got sucked into his "aura", for want of a better word! Just being next to him made me feel amazing.

Hah, yes I can relate to that

 

But I wasn't happy with a lot of stuff too, I went from being a high priority in his life to...I'm not sure...somewhere further down the list!

And that too

 

A lot of this stuff will come into focus better as time passes and the pain dwindles.

[northpickle]

Understandable but when you have those moments, try to remember that you didn't dump him as a friend, you respected his desire to leave you. When he did that, he had to lose the friendship also.

 

This is very true, but it was quite obvious that he still wanted me in his life in some way, I guess I'm not sure how he could not want a relationship with me any more (and hence lose the sexual side of things - of which there were no problems I don't think!) but still want my company? Or maybe he was thinking more long-term but never raised that with me. I think that's probably it.

[northpickle]

Exactly. You can't just flick a switch and change the nature of your love for him from romantic to friendship. You have to lose the romantic love then see how you feel.

 

I'm not sure I ever will lose these feelings though!

[northpickle]

And now...I'm hurt all over again...

 

Just noticed my photo count on Facebook went down - the ex has blocked me. Over three weeks after last contact I was doing OK as well...why would he do that - it's like another stab in the chest I know it's just silly old Facebook but still... We weren't friends on there or anything. Urgh

[northpickle]

Oh my God and he's untagging himself in all the pictures of us together in mutual friends photos as we speak...oh, my heart is breaking

[Sim54]

I don't understand why your photo count would go down if you weren't friends. Is it because you were mutually tagged in some photo's or something?

If so, maybe it hurts him to be reminded. It's sensible to totally illuminate all contact on Facebook for quite a while. It's only going to hurt.

You really need to remove all possible reminders, which in this case was any connections via Facebook for you too. If you'd have done it, he couldn't have done it first.

I made that mistake with Skype and my ex. I didn't delete her as I wanted to keep that door open. So of course, she deleted me, and I crashed all over again. Wouldn't have happened if I'd done it myself.

[northpickle]

Yeah, we weren't "friends" but because I was still tagged in some of his photos I could still see them. We were also mutually tagged in friends photos and he is quite literally deleting his tags as we speak. I'm not sure why he's doing it now though, why leave it so long? I was happy enough leaving them up there.

 

He's gone through my photos of himself, detagged them, then blocked me and is now going through mutual friends and detagging them, I think

 

I guess it hurts me that he's still hurting, or has someone new. But I don't want to think about that

[Sim54]

Facebook is all round horror. We never had such access to each others lives before.

I've actually deleted my account only 2 weeks ago. I can't tell you how happy I am not having to go through that again.

Not that you should, but well, be aware that this is hurting right now because you shared your private life in public like that.

It's good that he's doing it. You need to separate from him and this will help.

 

Sorry you're hurting but it's part of love, this pain. We all need to embrace it, and learn from it.

 

Hugs.

[northpickle]

Maybe I should deactivate again for a while? I don't know, I didn't expect him to do that, I suppose. I'm trying not to take it too personally but...I dunno. I now know he's sat at home on a mission to actually do that, to erase those memories as best he can Because they are happy memories for me I suppose.

 

I did delete a lot of things pretty soon after break-up, and I knew those old photos were there but didn't really look at them Now I know he's going through them and removing his ties with me, nearly 3 months later.

[AnnaN]

northpickle

I understand how difficult it is... All this facebook thing, I am not sure if it makes things better.

I had no photos on fb with my ex, we were only "in a relationship" and he told me to cancel it because it would be difficult for him to do. I told him that he is the one to do that, as he is the dumper. I spent 10 days looking at my profile and waiting him to do it... He did that ten days after bu. We are still friends, he siad he didn't want to be unfriended...

 

Your ex, he either hurts to do that, and he believes that by doing this he will start moving on for good, or he has a new friend that doesn't want to see the photos with you.. I know, this last one is hard...

[northpickle]

Hey Anna...

 

I was doing so well too And now I'm upset all over again. I thought he would have done this earlier if he was going to do it, it's been nearly 12 weeks since we split up. Why now?

 

I'm not sure he would have found someone else so quick, it's not really his style, but I just don't know I suppose. I guess it's the time frame, to know that right now he's sat down and made a conscious effort to do that after 3 weeks of no contact - I feel like I've cut him off and hurt him when it's the last thing I would ever want to do

[Sim54]

My ex didn't delete me from Skype for nearly 6 months after we split.

It hurt like hell. I was sure, that whatever happened she wouldn't totally shut me out, but when she met someone else, she did.

Now, I can't blame her and if we ever get back on speaking terms we can re connect there, but at the time, I lost it badly.

Then I saw her about 7 months later in the street. The first time since we stopped talking. She was super sweet, very friendly, gave me a hug and a kiss, and we chatted amiably for a while. When I texted 4 months later to say hi, and then bye, before I moved abroad she blanked me. I didn't pursue it, and I've heard nothing since. Truth is, i'm still not totally over her and it's been over 18 months now. So, no contact is best.

 

I really hope we can be friends one day. I miss that with her, but I can't count on it, and in any case, she's with another guy who doesn't want her in contact with me, and as long as she's with him, she won't talk to me. That's just the way it goes.

 

It gets better, and you never know what's coming round the corner.

 

Pickle, whenever we love, we risk this pain. It's part of it. We must learn to embrace it, and see it for what it is, part of ourselves, our hopes, our fears, our lowest point and our highest aspirations about ourselves and others. It's not bad, it just hurts. But we grow from it, slowly but surely.

Trust that the universe is going where it needs to go, and your path is still stretching our in front of you, even if it's hidden by nettles right now.

 

Sleep well tonight.

[northpickle]

Thank you Sim He's untagged basically every single one of us together, even in group shots, apart from one, where we have our arms round each other and I'm snuggled under his chin, both smiling, taken a couple of weeks before we broke up Maybe he just missed one out.

 

In the first few days after BU I tried to delete everything, texts, Skype, MSN, even shared Spotify playlists! But I never went trawling through old photos because I didn't want to look at them really. I'm going to stick to the NC (tomorrow will be day 24) but I guess it was a stab in the heart I wasn't expecting. And to block me as well? I was just about to block him back! I thought he was the nonchalant one who was trying to play it cool and we could still be friends...

[diamond78]

Hi there,

 

Just here offering my support. I know that literally witnessing him de-tag the photos is hurtful and going to make you feel a certain way. That's why when my guy and I had our breakup earlier this year, I immediately deactivated my facebook. I didn't want to delete him (I'd done that in the past and didn't want to go through the process of re-adding him if we were to get back together), but I also didn't want to see any of his postings, pics, etc. So, the best solution was to deactivate my facebook. That way he couldn't see anything about me and I wouldn't have to torture myself with his online activity.

 

I wish you had done that before because then you wouldn't even have known this was happening.

 

And I don't think it's fair to yourself to say that you cut him off and hurt him. If anything, he is guilty of that with you. Don't forget that he is the one who ended things and he is the one who tried to pursue a friendship even though he knew you didn't want that. And finally, he is the one who basically gave up and 'ran away' in the end.

 

You did a lot and put up with a lot of wishy washy behavior on his part and you shouldn't have to feel bad about any of your actions. You've behaved very well in all this. I cannot say the same for him.

 

You are a good woman and would make a great partner for a guy, so hold your head up and be strong.

 

This too shall pass...

[northpickle]

Hi diamond - thank you so much for your support.

 

I did deactivate in the first few weeks, the defriended, blocked then unblocked as we were going through the LC period. Stupid Facebook!

 

Thank you for the compliments too, I know I'm a good person and I'm just trying to get my mojo back - but knowing him so well, he's not a petty person in that sense. He keeps himself to himself on social networking sites. So for him to actively sit down on a mission and do that, it stings a bit. After all this time too.

 

And because he wants to stay in touch, but the ball is very much in my court with regards to contact, but I'm leaving it alone because I still love him - argh! I'm pretty bright and he knows that I'll know what he has done. Maybe he's after a reaction because I've not been in touch? Who knows?

[AnnaN]

I think that whatever is to be done, needs to be done right after the break up. Unfriend, block, detag etc.

It is really hard to see it happen weeks or months after break up, it feels like they broke up with you again and you start from the beginning!

[Ms Darcy]

And because he wants to stay in touch, but the ball is very much in my court with regards to contact, but I'm leaving it alone because I still love him - argh! I'm pretty bright and he knows that I'll know what he has done. Maybe he's after a reaction because I've not been in touch? Who knows?

l

 

I think you are too focused on him (again) dear. I was actually grateful my first bf waited 2 months before removing the friendster (less popular version of facebook) stuff. It can take the dumper a little while to really start to transition too.

 

I don't think he's doing in reaction to something you did per se. It's moreso a way to start to move on. Whether that's because he wants to free himself to date, or just meet women, or to mentally free himself who knows. All you know is that he ended it, and it's over. So you have to stop negotiating the relationship in your mind.

[northpickle]

Hi Darcy, you are completely right. I went to bed crying and I've only had about 3 hours sleep, I woke up at about 1am with this all running in my mind and didn't get back to sleep.

 

I was doing well with the NC, reaching a calmer place, and this is all just like another big nail in the coffin and something I wasn't expecting.

 

I was lying in bed trying my hardest to calm my thoughts down - and do as my signature says really! Why worry about something I have no control over? It's completely up to him what he chooses to do so why should that affect me now? It's hard for me to think that way as a natural born analyser / worrier but I'm doing my best.

 

It was just another kick in the teeth I wasn't expecting And he left one of them still tagged, the most recent one of just us both smiling and happy, cuddled up. All the other ones, detagged. That makes it worse

 

You're probably right about it not being a reaction to anything specific but more to do with "moving on" - it was just the way he went through all the photos of himself that I had, untagged them, then blocked me, made it seem like an "angry" thing to do.

 

But who knows...maybe I should have got in there first but what is done is done.

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't keep thinking about it. Everyday things you aren't going to expect are going to happen. I think you should keep repeating to yourself that you deserve someone who loves you and wants to commit to you.

[superfox]

Aw Pickle

Sucks but he's done you a favour without realising, hurts like heck but he's now made it impossible for you to break NC which is what you want and need. I'd personally regain control and detag or remove that last picture of the pair of you. not a childish action but regaining yourself. If you ever did get back together then that photo would be a constant reminder of 'we were happy then he dumped me' and not a moving into a new phase picture. But having it there now must feel like that cold dagger in your stomach when you catch it. You aren't 'Northpickle the dumped woman ex of ****', you are 'Northpickle, great woman and mother to a fantastic child'. Now get concentrating on the nativity outfit for december!