Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

And what was all that bollocks he spouted two months ago...about how special I was to him...urgh...I'm going to bed because I have to be up early in the morning. I don't blame FB - I actually asked questions but he was the one regally posting pics of him and his new girl - which he never did with me. I feel awful, so so awful. Did I mean nothing to him? Is this the rebound thing I've heard so much about? He just doesn't seem like a rebound guy when he was single for years before we got together...now he's flaunting this new girl like he never did with me?!

[professorplum]

I am really sorry. You must stop looking at FB for a while or at least stop looking at parts that are connected to him. I am one of the few people who has refused to join FB and at times I have been so relieved. The less you know about what he is doing and with whom the better. This will take a while but you will get over this eventually. Only allow him to take up so many minutes / hours? of your day and if he comes into your mind again, block him.

 

He is clearly not the guy you fell in love with if he has moved on so quickly and perhaps in time you will realise this was a lucky escape. In the meantime you need to try and focus on you and preparing for Christmas with your daughter. I was also pleased to hear about the job - try and throw yourself into that as much as possible.

 

Keep strong.

[northpickle]

Thank you prof x I'm going to lie down now. All words of encouragement are gratefully received. No wonder he blocked me a couple of weeks ago, but we have 30 plus mutual friends. I've blocked the new girl anyway, I have no idea who she is, no obvious connections - she's already added his mother Swiftly forgotten, I guess I am.

 

I just feel so disposable...anyway, going to try and sleep and not cry too much. Thanks x

[northpickle]

I can't relax...I'm in bits...I'm not a jealous person and I know we are apart but so much about this stings...the fact that all his (OUR) mates probably knew about this...and I'm sat up late at night crying over him and he's lying in the bed we used to share asleep, smiling because he's probably in the first throws of love...argh!

 

OK, I'm going back to bed. Sorry. I just can't believe this at all

[professorplum]

I know exactly what you mean about being discarded and being disposable. I work with someone who did that to me and seeing her on a regular basis has been so hard when she still acts as if nothing has changed. No comfort I know but it took me some months. You must try not to let him spoil Christmas and New Year - I allowed that to happen to me last year and New Year's Eve was hell. Immerse yourself in the good things which are going on in your life, see friends as much as possible and look to 2012 as perhaps a time when you will meet someone who is worthy of your time. He has let you down not necessarily deliberately, but clearly it was not meant to be. Eventually you will be able to put this part of your life into perspective.

 

At the moment you are feeling hurt, jealous, worthless and incredulous that someone who was so special could act in this way. Those feelings will subside but it takes time. Nothing else I can say that will take the negativity away unfortunately.

[BlueRose66]

Ouch! So sorry to hear this but I hope it will help you really move on quicker. Its like ripping the bandage off instead of the slow pull. I know it would be for me.

 

Everything you are feeling is normal but you arent disposable... dont internalize his actions...

 

Big hugs...

 

You will get through this and it will all be ok. I promise.

[DN]

No, you are not disposable.

 

Use this development for your own future best interests.

[northpickle]

Firstly I'm sorry about the bad language last night - I was a mess and I apologise.

 

I'm still a mess, I haven't slept much. Just need to type a few words before I get my daughter and myself ready for the day.

 

Thank you for all the support. Now I can explain better, I wasn't snooping on FB...it was a combination of instinct and I was chatting to a friend on the phone last night. It was something he said, or maybe didn't say. I can't quite remember. Anyway, I asked him outright and he told me yeah, the ex had been away for the weekend with a girl and had posted some photos online.

 

I can't see them and don't want to, I asked her name and found her - her profile picture was of him and her, stood together smiling in the countryside. So I saw that one. Then I blocked her. Absolutely no idea who she is, no mutual friends and seems to live about 50 miles away.

 

As far as being disposable...it just feels like it. When we got together that's what we used to do, go away for weekends together as I've mentioned so many times on here. It was so exciting. And already he's doing that with someone new. Is he really over me, us, already?! I just wasn't expecting this so soon.

 

It makes a lot of sense now, why he suddenly untagged our photos and blocked me a couple of weeks ago. Removing the evidence of our relationship for the sake of the new girl

 

It's been, what?, coming up 40 days of no contact now anyway. I suppose there can't be any more hurt to get through now, this has to be the worst thing that could happen, right?

 

3 months after we split? How the heck could he?

 

I have no idea how long they have been together mind. or how they met. Not that it's any of my business but I'm so hurt. It just brings back the early days of OUR relationship so I can guess how he's acting and what he's saying to her, he'll be sweeping her off her feet like he did to me Probably saying I don't matter. And I'm sat here broken all over again.

 

I hope I have the strength to get through this...

[winniethepooh]

Sorry to hear about your setback

 

Thank you for all the support. Now I can explain better, I wasn't snooping on FB...it was a combination of instinct and I was chatting to a friend on the phone last night. It was something he said, or maybe didn't say. I can't quite remember. Anyway, I asked him outright and he told me yeah, the ex had been away for the weekend with a girl and had posted some photos online.

I had a similar situation but I told the person I was speaking to stop talking about her. So I remain in the dark. I'm operating on the principle that it shouldn't matter - what she does is her business. And anyway, I'd rather not take the hit at the moment if I can avoid it. Besides which, it would have been second hand information with an unknown degree of inaccuracy.

 

I asked her name and found her

I think that was a bad idea (unless perhaps there was a high probability that your paths might cross). Do whatever you can to distance yourself from him and anything to do with him. Including information about him.

 

When we got together that's what we used to do, go away for weekends together as I've mentioned so many times on here. It was so exciting. And already he's doing that with someone new. Is he really over me, us, already?!

See, now you're dwelling on that sort of stuff and it will just make your stomach churn. You don't know, it's your imagination getting you all worked up

 

All the same, use whatever anger you can from this to drive you forwards and away from this situation.

 

Your feelings are still focused on him. That's understandable. But keep trying to make sure ALL your actions are focused on you and away from him. That's the way you force your feelings to adjust (ever so slowly, but they will).

[northpickle]

Thanks for the support Winnie I'm just about to go to work but will be back in a few hours, I need to get all these new feelings out somewhere!

 

I did want to know thought, however much it hurts. I don't know details and I don't want to. I have so many mixed feelings now...I simply can't believe he has jumped ship this quickly and flaunting it for all to see. I honestly didn't think he was the type...I guess he's not the person I thought he was and have been crying over all this time

 

Anyway, I have to go, be back a bit later x

[northpickle]

I suppose there can't be any more hurt to get through now, this has to be the worst thing that could happen, right?

 

I spoke too soon

 

Just got back from work to this email from him:

 

northpickle,

To move on with my life I can't be in touch with you. I wish you only good things for the future and hope you find someone to make you happy.

 

Take care of yourself,

 

Ex

 

This is...what...5 or so weeks after his last email? Why send me this?

[winniethepooh]

This is...what...5 or so weeks after his last email? Why send me this?

Who knows. Ignore it. Really.

 

Ignore it.

 

And try not to dwell on what it might mean. Assume it means nothing.

[northpickle]

Who knows. Ignore it. Really.

 

Ignore it.

 

And try not to dwell on what it might mean. Assume it means nothing.

 

I'm assuming it means:

 

northpickle,

 

I'm with somebody else now and therefore have no need for you any more. Please do not contact me. Look at me being the nice guy, wishing you well!

 

Ex

 

 

How many more times can he dump me? Seriously? I'm so upset, I'll be venting on here a lot again today, need people to talk to

 

I know I should ignore it but I suppose it's my final chance to say anything, should I feel the need to. I probably won't though. I do actually have to ask him to return his parking permit for my road to the council because should another friend of mine want one, I can't get another because he has one...I wasn't in a rush to do that but...I don't know. Absolutely gutted, there was no need to send me that email.

[winniethepooh]

I'm assuming it means

Don't assume anything. Assumptions lead to messes. Especially when you're emotionally fraught.

 

I know I should ignore it but I suppose it's my final chance to say anything, should I feel the need to.

No, you've already said all you need to say to him. Leave him alone, ignore it. Please.

 

I do actually have to ask him to return his parking permit for my road to the council because should another friend of mine want one,

Ask your friend to deal with him directly, and not to give him any information about you, or give you any information about him, or talk to him about you.

 

Do something like go for a walk or a run

[northpickle]

I'm just going to address a few points people have made, thanks everyone, I really need your support right now

 

In the meantime you need to try and focus on you and preparing for Christmas with your daughter. I was also pleased to hear about the job - try and throw yourself into that as much as possible.

 

I fully intend to do this. Thank you.

 

I had a similar situation but I told the person I was speaking to stop talking about her. So I remain in the dark. I'm operating on the principle that it shouldn't matter - what she does is her business. And anyway, I'd rather not take the hit at the moment if I can avoid it. Besides which, it would have been second hand information with an unknown degree of inaccuracy.

 

I just had to know, my suspicions were correct and I needed that confirmation otherwise the not knowing would have driven me crazy. Now I know he is with someone else, I don't want to know any further details.

 

I think that was a bad idea (unless perhaps there was a high probability that your paths might cross). Do whatever you can to distance yourself from him and anything to do with him. Including information about him.

 

Continuing from this - as I have mentioned, my ex and I have a LOT of mutual friends (most of which I have distanced myself from since the BU. There is a very high probability that I will bump into either him or them together in the near future. I blocked her on FB because I didn't want to see her name pop up on Facebook as she starts to meet his (our) friends and add them and so on. There's always the chance I'll see photos tagged of them from friends too. But I can't dwell on that until it happens.

 

 

See, now you're dwelling on that sort of stuff and it will just make your stomach churn. You don't know, it's your imagination getting you all worked up

 

Trying not to! It seems like his modus operandi - meet a girl, whisk her off her feet, make her feel amazing...that was me not so long ago! I feel so stupid I seriously still can't believe he's with someone new so soon. I felt like I was so special to him when we started dating that he had broken his long-term single life and chosen me.

 

And the email today...

[northpickle]

Thanks again Winnie

 

Don't assume anything. Assumptions lead to messes. Especially when you're emotionally fraught.

 

True, but it's pretty clear what the message is. I wasn't even in contact with him! He was the one who wanted the friendship, until he met this new girl obviously

 

No, you've already said all you need to say to him. Leave him alone, ignore it. Please.

 

I know, it doesn't warrant a reply, and especially because he is with someone new whatever I say he won't care about and will make me look pathetic.

 

Ask your friend to deal with him directly, and not to give him any information about you, or give you any information about him, or talk to him about you.

 

I'm not keen on getting anyone else involved. I might ask my friend, I'll have a think.

 

Do something like go for a walk or a run

 

Just about to pick my daughter up from school then she's going to her dad's for a couple of hours. I'm going to hang about on eNA for some company - haven't needed support like this for a while.

[AnnaN]

When you say how much worse can it be after the fb thing with the other woman, here comes his e-mail...

 

That's a lot to handle in a few hours!

That mail revealed who he was, he wasn't the man you have fallen in love with any more. He confirmed that he wanted the contact and your friendship for his own benefit, to comfort and support him and help him move on more quickly. He doesn't need that any more, at least for now.

Obviously he knew you had learnt about his new relationship since you have many mutual friends, I assume he knew that you wouldn't contact him again under these circumstances. So why bother and send that mail?

 

I wouldn't know what to do, reply or not. I'd probably wouldn't do anything. But if you feel the urge to do it just to express how you feel about this, this is the chance. You have nothing to expect and nothing to lose any more, don't keep this inside you if you feel the need to express it. It's amazing what people do to hurt other people, especially the ones that they loved once and don't even realize it and keep thinking that they are doing the right things... well, they do the right things for themselves ignoring and without caring about other people's feelings.

 

I know it hurts, although I haven't experienced it yet, but I am trying to get prepared for something similar.

 

Try to be strong, remember the things you are grateful for in your life, just looking at your daughter is enough, isn't it?

Take the time to accept it and when you do it try to see it as a chance to move on.

 

Hugs xxx

[northpickle]

Hi Anna, thank you for your words, you have no idea how much support I need right now

 

I knew he wouldn't be single forever, but it's just so so soon. And the dramatic email...from wanting to be friends, staying in touch, going silent and then saying "Actually no...I don't need you now. Bye!"

 

How much more can he have messed me and my feelings around?! It's true, I put him on that pedestal thinking he was oh-so-different but no, it has always been about him him him since we broke up (and actually before we broke up too).

 

He didn't even mention my daughter in that email

 

I was chatting to a friend who says I should let rip and tell him how much he has messed me around the last few months, now I have nothing to lose. I can see her point. But with silence comes dignity, doesn't it? I just don't know I have accepted it is over between us for a good while now but yeah, the photos and then the email (with nothing coming from me at all) within what...12 hours? I'm crushed. Completely cast aside so quickly, it's very painful.

 

It's a little bit easier because I don't know this girl, but to think that he is probably touching her and...noooo, not going to go there.

[AnnaN]

He didn't even mention my daughter in that email

 

I was chatting to a friend who says I should let rip and tell him how much he has messed me around the last few months, now I have nothing to lose. I can see her point. But with silence comes dignity, doesn't it?

 

As I said, my opinion is to do what you feel you need to. There's nothing to lose any more, you shouldn't care about what he would think. Dignity won't be lost if you express your feelings. He knows what kind of person you are and most importantly you know yourself and how dignified you are. In cases like these, like your friend suggested, I'd like to let the other know how much he has messed me around. He has done a lot, this email is hard to handle. Some people must realize that they cannot play with other people's feelings and mess up their lives so they can feel better. He may do it again, who knows? We can't let them keep thinking that it is OK to do that, we are here, we handle it, keep shooting.

 

You may need to reply in order to let all these come out from you, you may feel relieved, don't think of it as a matter of dignity, you know who you are, dignity isn't lost like that (is he acting out of dignity anyway?). Sometimes we need to put aside all these theories and act more spontaneously.

Do what is best for you. If you think silience will help you, then don't do anything.

[The Man Who]

I just don't know I have accepted it is over between us for a good whilenow but yeah, the photos and then the email (with nothing coming from me at all) within what...12 hours? I'm crushed.

 

No, no, no and no!! Especially that bit I've underlined North - it isn't over for a good while, it's over completely. Your problem is that you've always thought there is hope there but if you read between the lines then there wasn't. He's messed you about because you've chosen to be messed about in a round about way. I'm not saying it's directly your fault but you left the door open for him to do these things to you because you feared losing him for good.

 

I've told you before in the past, you need to focus on you, not him! He isn't worthy of your attention and the pedestal you put him on will just make him keep using you.

[northpickle]

No, no, no and no!! Especially that bit I've underlined North - it isn't over for a good while, it's over completely. Your problem is that you've always thought there is hope there but if you read between the lines then there wasn't. He's messed you about because you've chosen to be messed about in a round about way. I'm not saying it's directly your fault but you left the door open for him to do these things to you because you feared losing him for good.

 

I've told you before in the past, you need to focus on you, not him! He isn't worthy of your attention and the pedestal you put him on will just make him keep using you.

 

Hey, sorry TMW, what I meant was that for a good while, a good amount of time that has already passed, I have known it was over. I haven't had any hope for a while I never wanted to be messed around, yeah, if I'd gone strict NC from the very beginning and not replied to his emails, his asks for meet-ups, whatever, then I would probably be in a different place right now? But if you love somebody and especially when they give you signals that they are a bit confused, that they do think that there was something special there, they do want to see you and what not...

 

I have been focussing on myself and we haven't been in contact for 5 or 6 weeks, then a double body blow like this.

 

As I said, my opinion is to do what you feel you need to. There's nothing to lose any more, you shouldn't care about what he would think. Dignity won't be lost if you express your feelings. He knows what kind of person you are and most importantly you know yourself and how dignified you are. In cases like these, like your friend suggested, I'd like to let the other know how much he has messed me around. He has done a lot, this email is hard to handle. Some people must realize that they cannot play with other people's feelings and mess up their lives so they can feel better. He may do it again, who knows? We can't let them keep thinking that it is OK to do that, we are here, we handle it, keep shooting.

 

You may need to reply in order to let all these come out from you, you may feel relieved, don't think of it as a matter of dignity, you know who you are, dignity isn't lost like that (is he acting out of dignity anyway?). Sometimes we need to put aside all these theories and act more spontaneously.

Do what is best for you. If you think silience will help you, then don't do anything.

 

Thank you I'm not going to do anything hasty. I have been nothing but dignified since the break-up as far as he is concerned. I think his email was a step too far. I had already told him I couldn't be his friend. And he knows the news of his new girlfriend would get back to me relatively quickly. I know they say ignorance is bliss but ignorance is pretty hard when you have so many mutual friends. How lovely it is that they have both changed their profile pictures to one of them both together, especially in the 14 months we were together he never used one of me and him, not once! And they've only been dating a couple of weeks at most?! Seriously, I'm delighted for them *rolls eyes*

 

I'm sorry, but I do need to get angry. I've been royally screwed over and maybe I allowed myself to be a little more than I should have done, but it's clear his heart isn't with me (if it ever was) and he seems to have jumped head first into a new relationship so incredibly quickly and flaunting it too. Horrible.

[carrie8484]

Hey pickle, hope you're bearing up ok. I can totally relate to how you are feeling right now. My ex is also seeing someone else but I am dealing with it slightly better than I did with my previous ex because I learnt from my mistakes that time.

That feeling when you initially find out there is someone else is actually sickening. It is just the worst, most dreadful feeling I have experienced, ever. With my ex ex, ''A'' after much to-ing and fro-ing with contact and mixed messages, he went quiet on me out of the blue then when I confronted him by phone he admitted he was seeing someone else. I remember dropping to the floor and feeling like my life was ending there and then. Weirdly though, after a couple of weeks, I started to feel strangely calm. It was truly over and although I was incredibly sad, there was no other option left, I had to move on completely without him and I forced myself to meet new people.

 

With my recent ex, ''M'', there has been no emotion at all from him which has been difficult. However, I havent even been tempted to look at his facebook or twitter (ive blocked him anyway) because if I did I would drive myself crazy and insane. I also deleted and blocked his friends too. What Im saying is, the best thing to do now is to not know anything else. I think you have to act as if that person no longer exists, as hard as that is. You may find it easier to distance yourself from any mutual friends for now and concentrate on meeting new people and chatting to us on here. You just do not need to give yourself any extra stress. With M, I know he is with someone, but because I havent ''seen'' it, its not quite as painful (dont get me wrong, im not over him, and it is still hurting me a lot) but it feels like I have a little plaster over the wound while I am waiting for it heal underneath if that makes sense? I deliberately avoid places I know he goes to, which is sad, but also relieves me of any stress on a night out. I saw his car drive past me the other day and I had a panic attack in the street- luckily not an obvious one to other people but still, that just shows how bad its affected me.

 

What I think you are doing with the NC is fantastic. Keep it up. I think that email does not deserve your time. If it was me, my first reaction would be to blast his head off, but remember, silence speaks VOLUMES. Remember, this is your time now, you are as free as a bird and you can do what the hell you like. Enjoy this time if you can, because when you meet that person who isnt going to be a coward, who isnt going to run off at the first sign of commitment, who isnt going to be awkward about emotions, but who is going to stick by you and be your rock, you will be glad to have had your recouperation single time being an independent lady who can cope darn well on her own.

[Ms Darcy]

People seem to do this crap. Something is "missing" with their partner, they leave and seem to find "that thing that is missing" in someone else. I think the fact that he blasted that all over facebook is the attempt to try too hard to show everyone that he is absolutely happy and that leaving you was the right thing.

 

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Who knows if his relationship will work out or not but I implore you not to keep finding out information about them.

[winniethepooh]

I'm not going to do anything hasty. I have been nothing but dignified since the break-up as far as he is concerned. I think his email was a step too far. I had already told him I couldn't be his friend. And he knows the news of his new girlfriend would get back to me relatively quickly.

Then it's even more important that you don't react, you leave him alone, you don't talk about him, if anyone starts talking about him you tell them you're not interested. It's really difficult, but if you do react to this, and he is deliberately trying to provoke you, then ANY reaction on your part will just feed his ego.

 

I don't really get why you have so much information about his Facebook page and pictures. If you're looking, stop. If people are telling you, that's insensitive of them and you should tell them to stop

 

Seriously, I'm delighted for them *rolls eyes*

And especially don't make sarcastic comments anywhere it might get back to him.

 

I'm sorry, but I do need to get angry. I've been royally screwed over and maybe I allowed myself to be a little more than I should have done, but it's clear his heart isn't with me (if it ever was) and he seems to have jumped head first into a new relationship so incredibly quickly and flaunting it too. Horrible.

Let the anger out here or in places where no information about it will get back to him.

 

This might be a good time to block any further emails from him, and his phone number if that's something you can do. I have a bad feeling that if he is trying to stir you up, he will continue until he gets the message that you're not reacting, and he will only get that message by you not reacting

[The Man Who]

How do you honestly feel North? About this whole situation and in general?