Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

Im doing just dandy actually. You seem to be thinking more with your head and not your heart these days, thats always a good thing. Have you been keeping yourself busy? I tend to live for the weekends now, its kind of a substitute if you know what I mean.

 

Hey, I have been keeping myself busy thanks, my new job (20 hours a week) is helping immensely - new people, new experiences, new things to learn and so on. I don't feel like socialising at the weekend at the moment though - for some reason it feels a bit fake. That's just the way I feel about it - I've tried it most weekends and it mainly hasn't helped. I think I was doing it because I felt I had to, if you see what I mean. I didn't truly want to. I am a social creature and I suppose I've supplemented what was my normal social life (with the ex and our mutual friends) by posting on here a lot! It's great to hear you're doing well, really pleased to hear that

 

Yes it is. Don't give in to your feelings. They are messing you around as much as he is.

 

My feelings can be my own worst enemy - I know this! My head is saying not contact him, it really is.

[shortest_straw90]

Hey, I have been keeping myself busy thanks, my new job (20 hours a week) is helping immensely - new people, new experiences, new things to learn and so on. I don't feel like socialising at the weekend at the moment though - for some reason it feels a bit fake. That's just the way I feel about it - I've tried it most weekends and it mainly hasn't helped. I think I was doing it because I felt I had to, if you see what I mean. I didn't truly want to. I am a social creature and I suppose I've supplemented what was my normal social life (with the ex and our mutual friends) by posting on here a lot! It's great to hear you're doing well, really pleased to hear that

 

Yeah best not force things on yourself if you dont really want to do them. My motto now is "if it it makes you feel good then do it" and that is exactly what Ive been doing. By the way I dont think Ive ever mentioned this but your avatar is awesome!

[northpickle]

Hi NP,

 

Sorry about the latest news, but I think you needed this bit of news to finally seal the deal...a sort of *finality*. With all of his comings and goings, things were happening on his term, and giving you a false sense of hope. When a person moves on to someone new, it's kind of like a book closing shut.

 

How was your ex's relationship with your daughter? I wonder as you two were getting serious, especially your feelings towards him, if the thought of being a permanent fixture in your/her life kinda spooked him? Sometimes the idea of the insta-family can freak a guy out.....just curious...(not trying to assume or offend you!)

 

Hello!

 

With regards to my daughter - it was always a bit of a funny one. Firstly - she already has a very excellent father in her life who is very much around. He sees her every weekend and two evenings a week. The ex and I were friends before we got together, so he knew I had a daughter and that never seemed to be an issue at all.

 

However - I do think there was an issue there but I can't quite put my finger on it. He didn't like staying over at my house when my daughter was there - I could tell he found the mornings awkward, where I would be getting her dressed and so on and I could see it on his face he didn't feel comfortable. He didn't stay over that many times when she was at home. He never said anything specific but...y'know?

 

Most of the times we spent together were at the weekend, when she was at her dad's house. He rarely mentioned or wanted to do things *with* my daughter, it was only at my suggestion when the opportunity would arise. It was similar with doing things with his or my family too, except in the early days. He said it was because he often found family type stuff uncomfortable.

 

I feel such a mug!

[northpickle]

Yeah best not force things on yourself if you dont really want to do them. My motto now is "if it it makes you feel good then do it" and that is exactly what Ive been doing. By the way I dont think Ive ever mentioned this but your avatar is awesome!

 

Thanks! I'm a sucker for Japanese cuteness And yeah, what's the point of going out if I'm not really feeling it - I don't need to prove myself to anyone. I'm OK though, although freezing cold!

[superfox]

Right. Actions pickle! Get some mulled wine on the go for tomorrow. Print off his email, yep! Take one glass of wine outside with the email and burn the email! End of him. End of you and him. Then get back inside, get toasty and chill while drinking your wine and eating rubbish.

 

I'm angry on your behalf. For how he treated you where as now I see these crumbs as just being his way of coping with his guilt. You don't get so Facebook serious in a short amount of time, either his mind was already elsewhere (hence breakup) or he met her straight away. Either way, pfft, he doesnt deserve you.

 

He also doesn't deserve your daughter. For a serious relationship he made it painfully obvious he wasn't getting involved 100%. And that isn't good enough for you or her. You're a package and he seemed (by lack of interest an involvement) to only cherry pick the bits he wanted. The last thing you need to hear is me prannying on about my relationship BUT my bf spends time with my children one to one, insists we make arrangements to suit them and involving them. Not a replacement dad (although theirs is useless!) but as mums partner and their future step dad. From day one all he has asked is that one day they'll consider him enough to look up to and ask advice of. Your ex is a jerk. A big fat scaredy cat jerk.

 

I hope your tears stop and your anger starts, that is healing. So burn that email and don't think of what youve lost but of what you've gained - a life without some tw*t who thinks your daughter is in the way. And don't defend him with'oh buts'! Reading between the lines and what he's done on FB makes me think he really was never committed to you because you had a child. Stuff him!

 

Sorry for the ranting, I'm full of Lemsip!

[northpickle]

Right. Actions pickle! Get some mulled wine on the go for tomorrow. Print off his email, yep! Take one glass of wine outside with the email and burn the email! End of him. End of you and him. Then get back inside, get toasty and chill while drinking your wine and eating rubbish.

 

I'm angry on your behalf. For how he treated you where as now I see these crumbs as just being his way of coping with his guilt. You don't get so Facebook serious in a short amount of time, either his mind was already elsewhere (hence breakup) or he met her straight away. Either way, pfft, he doesnt deserve you.

 

Haha! You and your wine! It's a blooming good idea actually, I've never made mulled wine before.

 

I don't know how long they have been together but they have only been FB friends for about a week before these photos went up. All I know is what I asked of my friend to tell me - she became "friends" with both him and his mother (same day!) around the end of November. About a week after he did all that untagging of "our" photos. That's all I know, care to know and need to know. I've already had three mutual friends this week messaging me with general "how are things?" - no mention of the ex and her new girlfriend but I know that's why they are checking up with me. I have replied that I'm fine and made no mention of it either.

 

I'm angry too - very angry.

 

He also doesn't deserve your daughter. For a serious relationship he made it painfully obvious he wasn't getting involved 100%. And that isn't good enough for you or her. You're a package and he seemed (by lack of interest an involvement) to only cherry pick the bits he wanted. The last thing you need to hear is me prannying on about my relationship BUT my bf spends time with my children one to one, insists we make arrangements to suit them and involving them. Not a replacement dad (although theirs is useless!) but as mums partner and their future step dad. From day one all he has asked is that one day they'll consider him enough to look up to and ask advice of. Your ex is a jerk. A big fat scaredy cat jerk.

 

I do like to hear stories of happy relationships! You're right though, we are a package. She did really like him though I just don't know, he didn't see her a lot and in a way that is a blessing now because of what has happened. It was things like this:

 

A few weeks before we split up him, myself and my daughter went for a day out. I would like to say we had a lovely time, and in a way we did, but I could sense an atmosphere. We went to a cafe for something to eat and on the way out my little girl started moaning about wanting to get a cake - as 5 year olds do! She started getting a little bit agitated as she was a bit tired from walking around all day. Nothing too crazy, but I knew it would take me a minute or two to settle her down. The ex said he was going to walk to the car a few minutes away and would drive back and pick us up...there was no great drama, it was just a 5 year old being a 5 year old, but I felt so unsupported by him. Of course I can cope with little things like that, that's what being a parent is all about! But his discomfort with that was tangible.

 

I hope your tears stop and your anger starts, that is healing. So burn that email and don't think of what youve lost but of what you've gained - a life without some tw*t who thinks your daughter is in the way. And don't defend him with'oh buts'! Reading between the lines and what he's done on FB makes me think he really was never committed to you because you had a child. Stuff him!

 

Sorry for the ranting, I'm full of Lemsip!

 

No "Oh buts" from me! He knew he had my little one - I'm really not sure how much of an issue he found it, most of the time I didn't see it as an issue but maybe that's because he didn't see that much of her. I just don't know. I am getting angrier, I've been awake for hours (it's now 5.30am) and I've cried a bit, mainly out of frustration with him and myself. I don't miss him or feel sad in that way right now - I'm just incredulous angry that I have been disregarded in this way, been given completely confusing signals and actions from him after the break-up, and that somebody who was a massive part of my life for so long has turned into an utterly cold, callous and selfish being.

 

"I hope you find someone who makes you happy" - that's a dig straight through the heart, that is. Passively aggressively rubbing it in my face, whether he intended to or not. How can you do that? And the fact he didn't even mention my little girl says a lot too. What a horrible man. I do deserve better, I'm so confused to why I fell in love with him, I really am. I don't know him any more.

 

Lemsip? Get well soon!

[northpickle]

Oh my goodness, I'm livid!

 

Up until 14 weeks ago - his mother would be commenting on my photos of my daughter, saying how beautiful she was and suchlike. And I've seriously been replaced that quickly?! Oh my word, this is horrible. Does no-one else out there in my life think this is out of order?

 

Of course I want him to be happy but I feel like I'm getting my nose rubbed in things.

 

I'm angry on your behalf. For how he treated you where as now I see these crumbs as just being his way of coping with his guilt. You don't get so Facebook serious in a short amount of time, either his mind was already elsewhere (hence breakup) or he met her straight away. Either way, pfft, he doesnt deserve you.

 

I've already quoted you on this, but I've just thought of something else that makes me think it is a relatively new relationship - he was always free those weekends where he wanted to meet up. The last one being 6 weeks ago. If he was with someone else then I don't think a) he would have had the time to see me and b) wouldn't have wanted to see me if he was with someone new. Just my take on things anyway. He untagged the joint photos 2 and a half weeks ago. That makes me think that was when things changed.

 

What an awful feeling it is when you realise you have loved and been hung up on someone who couldn't give a ha'penny about you! Ha! It's almost funny! I'm still in shock I think.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know if this helps, but at least he wasn't cheating.

[northpickle]

I don't know if this helps, but at least he wasn't cheating.

 

It helps a little bit! I'm pretty sure he wasn't anyway, he didn't seem the type. However, he didn't seem the type to jump straight into another relationship either, going on his history. So I guess we never really can know someone, even if we think we do.

[DN]

Oh my goodness, I'm livid!

 

Up until 14 weeks ago - his mother would be commenting on my photos of my daughter, saying how beautiful she was and suchlike. And I've seriously been replaced that quickly?! Oh my word, this is horrible. Does no-one else out there in my life think this is out of order?

northpickle, you know I have been supportive and sympathetic but I think you are wrong here. He has a right to live his life and to be with whomever he wishes whenever he wishes so long as he isn't cheating. He doesn't owe you a mourning period in which he suspends his interest in someone else while you get over him. His mother doesn't owe you anything either. They are not rubbing your nose in anything - you are doing that to yourself.

 

All of this isn't serving you.

[northpickle]

I know DN, that's why I'm confused. I know nobody owes me anything, I do know that truthfully. He is as free to do what he wants with his life as I am. I'm just completely shocked I think, or the shock is lessening and the reality is hitting. One of the two. I'm cycling between anger, incredulity and sadness today. Not good.

 

I'm going for a lovely warm bath and try and settle down a bit anyway. I'm going to try and find out if I have a permanent "screw you!" switch located somewhere in my head!

 

I've pretty much decided I'm not going to reply to that email too. I still need my parking permit back off him though, or for him to send it back for me. Not sure of the best way to do that - asking a mutual friend might be a bit tricky. Not sure. I don't want to speak to him.

[The Man Who]

northpickle, you know I have been supportive and sympathetic but I think you are wrong here. He has a right to live his life and to be with whomever he wishes whenever he wishes so long as he isn't cheating. He doesn't owe you a mourning period in which he suspends his interest in someone else while you get over him. His mother doesn't owe you anything either. They are not rubbing your nose in anything - you are doing that to yourself.

 

All of this isn't serving you.

 

Bingo!

 

Which is why I said sending a reply to his email is pointless.

 

She just has to get on with her own life and stop the self sabotage of herself.

[kuteknish]

parking permit - can't you just ask for a replacement from the place you have the permit for?? I'm sure people lose their permits all the time and they have a procedure on that. No need to have to get in touch with him for that. Even if it cost you $20 or something... saves face.

[northpickle]

Bingo!

 

Which is why I said sending a reply to his email is pointless.

 

She just has to get on with her own life and stop the self sabotage of herself.

 

I'm not going to reply No way, I've decided. Self-sabotage is quite strong! But I know what you mean, I'm learning to get my brain in a happier place and not being in touch with him helped a lot with that. The final blow has set me back a bit but I've been through this a few times now and I know I'll pull back round.

 

parking permit - can't you just ask for a replacement from the place you have the permit for?? I'm sure people lose their permits all the time and they have a procedure on that. No need to have to get in touch with him for that. Even if it cost you $20 or something... saves face.

 

I'll have to look into it properly, I'll do it now. How it works is that each house on my street is allowed two parking permits (to park in the road without getting a fine), I don't have a car so my dad has one and the ex had one. I need the ex to return his for a few reasons, if the circumstances change for why he needs one (ie he doesn't visit me any more) then he is legally obliged to return it. And should I meet someone in the future with a car (or heck, I'm starting to learn to drive soon myself - if I need the pass!) then I don't want to be contacting him 3, 6, 9 months down the line to get it sorted.

 

Maybe I can contact the place directly and ask them to ask him to send it back?! I don't know, it might sound a bit silly but this is the last tie to him I need sorting out. I want a completely clean break now. No messing around any more.

[kuteknish]

Yea - there has to be a way to just get a replacement. Just say to them that your car was stolen, with the permit in there or something - FIND A WAY really... its a silly tie to him that will keep you wanting to contact him subconsciously. My ex gave me all my stuff back.. I realized a few months down the road he still had something of mine. I figured out a way to just replace it instead.. it wasn't worth it for me to contact him.

[northpickle]

I have been thinking a lot (as usual!) and I have decided what I need to do now, for myself and my future.

 

I have written the ex an email. But I have decided I am not going to send it to him. I am going to use a website that you can use to send an email to yourself in the future. I am going to send it to my future self a year from now. As I know I will be in a better place then and my target is, when I receive that email, I will just delete it without opening it.

 

It includes everything I feel I have left unsaid - I don't want to write it on here because the temptation for me will be to look back and read it as I continue to move on. Once I send it to my future self I will delete it from my computer. But if anybody who has already helped me on this thread wants to read it, I'm happy to PM you a copy, just let me know. You have 24 hours!

[Sim54]

Regarding the pass, just email him one line.

'Hi, please would you post my parking permit back to me. Thanks.'

 

And then move on.

That shouldn't get in the way of you healing.

 

So sorry for all this in your life, but it is in the end character building stuff, although right now it just hurts.

 

He is choosing the easy way out, to use someone else to avoid the depression and loneliness that usually follows the end of a relationship.

You are choosing the harder and healthier route which is to grieve and give yourself time to get back to yourself before starting something new.

 

It will bite him in the backside one day, but that doesn't really matter.

In the end, you're going to be fine, but you have a dark path to walk for now.

 

We've all walked it in some way or other and come out the other side.

 

Hug

[northpickle]

Hi Sim

 

Hmmm...it's not really urgent to get the pass back but like I said - I'd rather do it now then have to worry about it months down the line. I should have done it earlier, when I got my other possessions back from him a while ago but it didn't occur to me then, typical!

 

This is painful, I agree, but it is also character-building, I agree with that too.

 

Today the path isn't too dark - I just want to smile again. And at the moment the most recent time I can ever remember being so full of joy is those days when I could feel myself falling in love with him. I have never been so blissfully happy in all of my life and he seemed so happy too. And that was about 18 months ago now...wow...It's a killer!

[Sim54]

Do you know The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran? If not, I recommend you go get a copy. it's full of wisdom.

It says that our grief carves out the bowl of the cup that holds our joy. The more grief, the deeper the bowl, and the deeper your capacity to experience joy.

In truth, the joy you felt 18 months ago is tied to this grief. They are intertwined, connected, and flip sides of the same emotional coin.

There is not love without pain, or grief, so find a way to be thankful for your deep capacity to love. People with shallow emotions don't feel much pain, but they don't often feel much love either.

 

I know my words don't hold you in a warm embrace like a loved one would, but there is some solace there, nonetheless I feel.

 

Chin up girl, you're doing fine!!

[northpickle]

Thanks, I have heard his name mentioned on here before and some snippets of his poetry, I will order myself a copy of the book.

 

I can understand the "bowl that holds the cup of joy" theory. Absolutely.

 

I've found that over the past 3 months since we split - things, even little things that used to make me happy became connected to the feeling of grief. Because the last time I was happy was in my mind connected to him. So the pangs of grief became connected to almost everything in my life that seemed normal. The food I used to love, the music I listened to, the places I have been, the websites I would visit, the news I would read - almost everything in my life has for some reason bonded with being with him, because normal life seemed better when I was with him, when I could tell him about my normal life, even when there is no obvious connection. Does that make sense?

 

There is solace in your words It gives me hope that I can love again in the future - I do hope so although it seems a million years away from now. I have nothing to be ashamed for to have loved him so deeply and I will never know how he truly felt. He never gave much away.

 

I hope the spot on the pavement just down the road from my house, that I walk down every day and it pangs every time I do, the only time he ever just randomly came out and said that he loved me, a few weeks before we split up - I hope one day I will smile when I pass by there. And then one day I might forget the significance of that spot too.

[diamond78]

You were with this guy for a year correct?

 

Believe me, not only will you love again, but you will love for a much, much longer time period.

 

You are a strong, smart, sensible woman and I have no doubt someone will come along who can appreciate you and what you bring to a relationship.

[northpickle]

You were with this guy for a year correct?

 

Believe me, not only will you love again, but you will love for a much, much longer time period.

 

You are a strong, smart, sensible woman and I have no doubt someone will come along who can appreciate you and what you bring to a relationship.

 

Aww, you're too kind Thank you, your comments made me smile a lot.

 

Yeah, we were mates for about two years, grew closer over that time (I mean we started from just bumping into each other around mutual friends to actually making plans to hanging out together), he confessed he had strong feelings for me and he wanted to be with me, then we were in a relationship officially for about 14 months or so.

 

I'm not sure how I feel today. I definitely feel better and haven't been dwelling on things as much - a busy shift at work helped with that!

[northpickle]

Hi there.

 

I just have a few things to get of my chest today and wanted to journal them down.

 

Firstly, some of you may remember me mentioning my granddad (who is 90) being ill about a month ago? He is very sick, he was taken into hospital last night. He has a blockage in his leg and he had to decide today whether to have an operation to remove his leg or not. If he doesn't, he will die. But the shock of the operation may kill him too (he's obviously very old and frail and has already had two heart attacks in the last 18 years or so). But fortunately his mind is still very much with him.

 

He's decided to have the operation to remove his leg And he's going for surgery in about an hour. My parents are there with him and are keeping me updated. I'm so worried...

 

I know this doesn't have anything to do with my break up but I suppose I wish I had a loved one to comfort me and who I could offload on, so I have to do it here instead.

 

Also, after my post on Sunday, I decided to email the ex to ask for the pass back. I nearly asked a friend to do it but I decided I was fine with doing it myself. No pass through the post yet but it's only been 3 days. I'm actually looking forward to getting it back, strange as it is, the last physical tie to him will be relinquished He can go and enjoy his new life now, do what he has to do, will it come back and bite him on the backside? Not sure, but that's entirely up to him.

 

Finally, I was chatting to a colleague about horoscopes at work today. I rarely read them and wouldn't say I believe in them, but decided to have a look at mine for a laugh, as it were. And it said this...

 

It is through your sensitivity, wisdom and compassion that you manage to melt away other people's barriers and defences. They soon learn that you are a person of integrity. This week, as Mercury changes direction, your special ability helps make an important emotional breakthrough.

 

And then this bit really touched me:

 

Learn to like what you've got this Christmas because what you've got now genuinely deserves to be appreciated. And what you haven't got, you don't need.

So regardless of whether I believe in horoscopes or not, I'm definitely glad I read that today. It made me feel better for some reason.

 

I just hope my granddad will be OK but it really doesn't look good

[DN]

I hope your granddad pulls through OK.

[northpickle]

Thank you - I'm trying to prepare for the worst news and am dreading the phone ringing later this evening. I wish I could be with the family (the hospital is only about 30 miles away) but my daughter is I think a little young to be in the middle of such a sad situation so I'm staying at home with her.

 

What an awful decision for him and the family to make My grandma is still with us too, and apparently she is in pieces. And she's quite poorly herself with her age (she's 86), although obviously not as ill as my granddad.

 

Just offloading here! He is such a lovely, gentle and kind man. Ugh. I wish I could do more.