Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

Hi there Yeah, I've pretty much stopped thinking about the email now. Whatever! There's nothing to reply to and he's not saying anything I want to hear. I'm moving on now, I've wasted enough of my time these past 2 months wondering what went wrong and what could have been. If he doesn't want me as a girlfriend then he can't have me as a friend or a back-up plan. I was so good to him but it wasn't what he wanted in the end, despite us having something special. I was devoted to him. Definitely his loss. I'm going to miss him for a long time yet but I have to get on with my life.

[shortest_straw90]

Hi there Yeah, I've pretty much stopped thinking about the email now. Whatever! There's nothing to reply to and he's not saying anything I want to hear. I'm moving on now, I've wasted enough of my time these past 2 months wondering what went wrong and what could have been. If he doesn't want me as a girlfriend then he can't have me as a friend or a back-up plan. I was so good to him but it wasn't what he wanted in the end, despite us having something special. I was devoted to him. Definitely his loss. I'm going to miss him for a long time yet but I have to get on with my life.

 

One of the best things Ive read this morning.

[northpickle]

One of the best things Ive read this morning.

 

Thanks Phil

 

I didn't think I'd be using this thread, at least not for a long time. But...I've just had another email from the ex. I'm a bit shocked as he'll be at work at the moment...I'd like to see what people think.

 

Hey [my pet name]

 

How are you? I'm sorry I sent you that email on Friday night, I've been wondering whether to say anything or to just leave it, but I wanted to say sorry anyway. I hope you, [my daughter's name] and the cats are all well on this chilly afternoon! I know you don't want to be friends and I understand because I've not been fair to you and I am so sorry the way I have handled it all.

 

If you ever want to get in touch you know where I am, I will leave you alone for now. Take care of yourself and sorry again.

 

Ex x

 

???!!! Help!

I'm completely OK by the way, it hasn't upset me or anything. I think this is a kind of apology for running away and the bizarre email rolled into one. Opinions?

[DN]

Take it for what it is. You don't have to respond, all you have to do is move on. Don't contact him, now or in the future.

[northpickle]

Hi DN, I'm not tempted to respond, it's pretty good to get an apology I guess. Although he's still in the slightly vague pity party mode it appears. I do feel a lot better these past few days. Maybe he can sense that!

[carrie8484]

hey pickle

if you stay NC or at least NIC he's BOUND to get in touch with you again, for what purpose we will just have to see...

be the stronger one in this situation, you don't NEED him, and you have to show him that by being out of his radar.

he's feeling guilty, he has his tail between his legs, and he put himself in that situation so let him lie in his bed now he's made it!

[northpickle]

Hi Carrie,

 

I'm not going to get in touch with him, I think I said all I needed to say when I saw him last. I was feeling good today too, I couldn't sleep very well so I got up really early, had a great soak in the bath while my little girl was still in bed and pottered around and got lots done.

 

I've just met a friend for lunch and the loneliness hit me again, so I came straight home afterwards. The loneliness hits me more when I'm with other people rather than when I'm on my own...how does that make sense? It's like I'm comparing everyone else's company to the ex's still, and he still comes out on top! I hate this and I'm sick of it now. I'm going out, doing things and it makes me feel worse. I'm going to have a coffee and then try and get on with things again. I'm not even really thinking about the ex much now, but meeting up with friends makes it worse. I wish it didn't. I suppose I've just got to keep on pushing through. I spent plenty of time with other people and friends whilst I was with the ex and never felt like this, so why do I feel like it now?

 

Urrghh, sorry. Going to grab a coffee and try and relax for a bit anyway

[northpickle]

OK, I'm finally there. I'm at the anger stage...

 

It hit me last night. A friend posted this on her Facebook Wall, I'd never even heard it before but it's the best thing anyone could have done (although she has no idea what a favour she's done me. I won't thank her as she'll think I'm weird!)

 

[video=youtube;7NhkK-1epUA] ]

 

And wow, the fury I got listening to those lyrics. It explains everything in my situation almost perfectly. I was trying to post something on here as I was in a pretty bad way, I was angry, REALLY angry, crying and shaking, but I was too upset to type anything.

 

I accept fully that the relationship is over. Forever. He hurt me so much, pulled away what little affection he showed towards me at the end, mulled over things without bringing anything up (if he thought enough of me then he should have told me he was having doubts and we could have worked on things) and has since the breakup done nothing but treat me like a distant acquaintance.

 

I don't need someone like that. I despise the way he has treated me. He's nothing but a cold-hearted swine and I curse that I ever fell in love with him and allowed myself to feel like a low priority in his life because i was blindly in love with him and all I wanted to do was to make him happy and for him to BE happy.

 

These are sad tears, but mainly tears of rage.

[winniethepooh]

Hi Winnie

 

I notice quite a few parallels between your story and mine, so thought I would offer my support. Not sure whether you have seen my thread, it's quite long! but a lot of what you say rings completely true to me. I know exactly how it is, the agonising over LC or NC, the thoughts of whether you did or said the right thing, too much or not enough. I hear you completely!

Thanks. Figured I'd reply in your own epic thread - yes I read the whole thing again!

 

Interesting to read a story all the way through at once instead of day by day as it happens. I get a clearer sense that he was just messing you about rather than genuinely wanting to consider a reconciliation

 

But I do remember following it as it happened also (not completely - I was travelling some of the time). Yes, although I posted mine as just one post, I remember going through similar thought processes in going over and over again what I said and did, didn't say and didn't do. What she said, how and when and why ...

 

I think ultimately though, as someone else alluded to, a lot of what we think is significant at the time, is actually relatively unimportant. I'm still struggling with that - things like did just one misplaced word make all the difference? No, feelings are, or should be, strong enough that such details on their own don't matter in the long run. What was far more significant is that for whatever reason, your ex walked away and messed you around rather than try to work on things. That says far more about him, than any of the details of what you said or didn't say and when. What is important to remember is that you were willing to try, he wasn't.

 

Hoping you get past the anger stage soon. It's good that you're there, but not good to stay there

 

I didn't think I'd be using this thread, at least not for a long time. But...I've just had another email from the ex. I'm a bit shocked as he'll be at work at the moment...I'd like to see what people think.

 

Hey [my pet name]

 

How are you? I'm sorry I sent you that email on Friday night, I've been wondering whether to say anything or to just leave it, but I wanted to say sorry anyway. I hope you, [my daughter's name] and the cats are all well on this chilly afternoon! I know you don't want to be friends and I understand because I've not been fair to you and I am so sorry the way I have handled it all.

 

If you ever want to get in touch you know where I am, I will leave you alone for now. Take care of yourself and sorry again.

 

Ex x

 

???!!! Help!

I'm completely OK by the way, it hasn't upset me or anything. I think this is a kind of apology for running away and the bizarre email rolled into one. Opinions?

Hope you didn't reply to that one. Sounds like he's rattled, and is throwing off a bit of noise - maybe it's becoming clear to him you really are gone. The last sentence sounds like an attempt by him to throw off some of his guilt or responsibility or both onto you. Ignore it.

 

And be very very careful how you respond if he says anything else. Watch out especially for more guilt trips.

 

I've just met a friend for lunch and the loneliness hit me again, so I came straight home afterwards. The loneliness hits me more when I'm with other people rather than when I'm on my own...how does that make sense? It's like I'm comparing everyone else's company to the ex's still, and he still comes out on top! I hate this and I'm sick of it now. I'm going out, doing things and it makes me feel worse. I'm going to have a coffee and then try and get on with things again. I'm not even really thinking about the ex much now, but meeting up with friends makes it worse. I wish it didn't. I suppose I've just got to keep on pushing through. I spent plenty of time with other people and friends whilst I was with the ex and never felt like this, so why do I feel like it now?

Ah yes, I can relate to that. The answer to the last question is because you did share some sort of connection with him that you don't have with most people - you wouldn't have had a relationship in the first place if you didn't. Well, at least, that's what I would say to me, and I have the same question.

 

Good luck, keep going forwards

[northpickle]

Hey everyone,

 

Just thought I would update my thread, it's been a week. A funny week as well. It's now 18 days since I saw him and he ran away, and I've been in NC since then. The ball is still in my court with regard to contact and I have had no desire to reach out to him at all...

 

...until today.

 

I won't contact him, but I've been on an emotional roller coaster this week. Everything to anger, indifference, joy to sadness. I'm trying to fight my way through it and carry on as normal, and the haziness that clouded the early days is lifting. Going out Christmas shopping creased me up (memories of last year came flooding back), going out with friends creased me up (again memories, and the feeling that I was just pretending to be happy when I'm not really).

 

What's adding to it all is my grandad, he's really poorly and hasn't got long left to live. It's his 90th birthday at the weekend and it's still day by day as to what the family will be doing to celebrate. It's a combination of various ailments to do with his age, he can't lie down properly as he is so full of fluid and his doctor has said there is nothing more they can do but to just ease his pain I'm so sad and worried about him, and I don't think he'll be here at Christmas time I don't have anybody to cry to and to give me a hug now

 

My dad is also not well, although nothing as serious, he is in hospital tomorrow for a knee operation and will be out of action for a while. So I'm worried about him too.

 

I just feel really sad today. I'm sorry about the melancholic post, I just wish I had my best friend to reach out to and I've lost him.

[northpickle]

Hey Winnie - I haven't updated this in a week and we post at the same time - what are the chances of that!

 

Thanks for reading through my ramblings! It has helped a lot and I suppose it's like a break-up journal and I hope it might help other people as well as myself, I've had some fantastic advice here and am very grateful to everyone who has helped me.

 

I know myself, I'm very analytical, I dwell and brood on things but I don't hide it. I think my ex is similar BUT he hides it. I'm still wondering now whether I've fought enough for what we had, then then next minute I think he isn't worth it! But I do genuinely love him, he knows that. What more can I do? I do miss him, I do miss that connection you mentioned. It was tangible enough for other people to see it before I did! (when we were just mates).

 

I'm pretty sad today with my family happenings and I know, if I emailed or called him, he would reply. That makes it harder in some strange way. But I will be strong because I know what I'll hear...he'll say sorry about my sad news but that will be it because "he won't want to give me the wrong impression" or something like that. A mile away from the beginning of the relationship where he would move heaven and high water to see me every chance he could.

 

Sorry, I'm just ranting a bit. I know he cares still, but obviously not enough. He's the type to make a decision and stick with it as well, so I expect him to be awkward and cold around me forever now, as to not "give me the wrong impression". Ugh

[winniethepooh]

Hey Winnie - I haven't updated this in a week and we post at the same time - what are the chances of that!

Hah, yes indeed

 

I'm still wondering now whether I've fought enough for what we had, then then next minute I think he isn't worth it!

But I doubt anyone else reading your story wonders. We know you did your best. But I understand, I still have that wondering myself. Bleah. What I notice though is that when I'm feeling rational (usually after exercise), I feel more certain I did enough.

 

But I do genuinely love him, he knows that. What more can I do?

Yes, he probably does. And the guilt will be difficult for him to deal with. I think I'd rather deal with the pain of loss than the pain of guilt (I've experienced both). But it's important that you don't feel guilty. And what more can you do? About him - nothing. About yourself - lots

 

I'm pretty sad today with my family happenings and I know, if I emailed or called him, he would reply. That makes it harder in some strange way.

I'm sorry to read about your father and grandfather. Yes, he probably would reply if you contacted him. You're right in not contacting him. Accept e-hugs from ENA members instead Not the same I know

 

Hang in there. You know you're past the worst of it now.

[winniethepooh]

Just had a knock at the front door, and I didn't answer it in case it was him. I honestly don't know who it could have been as no-one turns up unannounced at my door. The very rare salesperson perhaps but...it sounded like his knock

 

How silly!

Ah! I laughed when I read this. Glad I'm not the only one who's bonkers. I woke up in the middle of the night once, could have sworn the doorbell woke me. I even checked. No one there, but you can easily guess who I was thinking might be there

[northpickle]

Hi Winnie

 

Thanks for the e-hugs! I'm definitely feeling a lot brighter and perkier than I was yesterday, let's see how long that lasts! I'm definitely over the worst of it now, you're right. I'm still nowhere near healed but it's only been 11 weeks since breaking up so I guess that's OK. It was only a 14 month relationship but I really fell for him hard

 

I agree with the after exercise feeling more rational thing. Right now I'm feeling pretty good and not maudlin. But yes, that nagging feeling about "did I handle everything right?" is still there at times. Those few times I saw him and just acted like a friend - we had a great time! But should I have acted differently or said something different then? How can he seriously be "just a friend" after being intimate partners? Was he truly comfortable with that, didn't he still fancy me at least?! Who knows...

 

I'm still a bit gutted at the way it ended, I know he was mulling it over for a while and he said it wasn't an easy decision to make, so he must have been weighing up the pros and cons, so I know there must of been a lot of good points in the relationship for him like there were for me too It's just a shame that he didn't want to work on things. Having said that, we weren't in a good place at the end to sort anything out, we both needed time apart.

[northpickle]

Urgh, somebody slap me, please!

 

I stupidly unblocked the ex on Facebook as I'm strong enough not to snoop on his page (not that I would be able to see anything anyway) but I thought I would be fine seeing anything he posts on mutual friends pages, as he just makes jokey comments and stuff.

 

And lo and behold, I saw something I wish I hadn't, last weekend he was meant to be going out with loads of mates for a day out drinking. I already know he wasn't there because he wasn't on any of the photos. I assumed he might have had to work or something.

 

I've just seen a post the ex made apologising to the friend for not being able to go, the friend asks him why, and he replied the day after "Long story. Will tell you over a drink." So I doubt it was work, because he would have just said that.

 

I'm now over-analysing that! Thinking it might have something to do with me, that I've upset him when I kind of dumped him back. Maybe I'm hoping in some way he IS hurting and regretting things. I can't see why he didn't go out for the day, normal him would have jumped at the chance.

 

DO NOT UNBLOCK THE EX, PEOPLE!

[The Man Who]

I'm now over-analysing that! Thinking it might have something to do with me, that I've upset him when I kind of dumped him back. Maybe I'm hoping in some way he IS hurting and regretting things. I can't see why he didn't go out for the day, normal him would have jumped at the chance.

 

*Slaps you*

 

It may have been something to do with you North but then again it might not have. The question you should be asking is why are you suddenly now acting this specific way and actually caring what he might be thinking? Your still putting focus on him when it should be on yourself, don't worry about him at all - he's a grown up and can worry about himself. He may have perfectly legit reason(s) why he didn't go out but it's not your cause for concern anymore.

[northpickle]

*Slaps you*

 

Ouch, but thanks!

 

It's because I do care about him and I guess I always will. But at the same time I thought I was getting to a point where I didn't, at least not in a "I wonder what he's doing" sense. I wasn't expecting to see anything like that, I guess. He's pretty private about stuff on FB, and only normally posts daft comments. D'oh! Maybe it's because I'm still sat here in love with the guy and if he has any doubts about the decision he made then it's a stinker that he's not relaying that to me. Or, you're right, it could have absolutely nothing to do with me at all.

 

Right, northpickle, carry on!

[The Man Who]

I've said it before to folk and I'll say it again, go with what you know, not what you assume

 

However, I still think you need to turn the focus back on yourself - worrying/thinking about him is unhealthy for you, you need to think about yourself and get yourself back on the pedestal and take him off of his one you gave him. I know how hard it is but you can tell even from the way you type how much is going through your head. You'll know yourself that all this over-analyzing and thinking isn't helping at all.

[winniethepooh]

Thanks for the e-hugs! I'm definitely feeling a lot brighter and perkier than I was yesterday, let's see how long that lasts!

I expect you'll have your ups and downs. Although it's a while since you broke-up, it's only a short time since you completely disconnected.

 

I took a year to get over a previous ex (she finally left me) from a few years back. We tried to stay friends for a few months and when I finally had enough, it felt like breaking up all over again. There was sporadic contact after that, and each time it was a set back for me (and probably her).

 

It was only a 14 month relationship but I really fell for him hard

Yeah, it doesn't just depend on time together.

 

But yes, that nagging feeling about "did I handle everything right?" is still there at times.

And will be for a while yet

 

Those few times I saw him and just acted like a friend - we had a great time! But should I have acted differently or said something different then?

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, but you didn't. However, you do know you tried your best. And from reading the whole thread, the sense I get is that ultimately it wouldn't have made a whole lot of difference

 

How can he seriously be "just a friend" after being intimate partners?

Because you helped him do that.

 

Was he truly comfortable with that, didn't he still fancy me at least?! Who knows...

Who knows indeed. But I'd guess he probably did fancy you. We all have times when we fancy someone but don't let it show.

 

and he said it wasn't an easy decision to make,

This I think is one of the most significant points that outweigh anything you did or didn't do or say. In the end it was his decision, and that's not fair on you or the relationship. He decided not to involve you in his decision or thought process to get there.

 

so he must have been weighing up the pros and cons,

Maybe he was, but you're not a car or a piece of furniture he's thinking about buying. You're a person too. And a relationship is between two people, it shouldn't be something one person decides he (or she) wants or doesn't want (at least, not when it's become clear that both people have chosen to be in that relationship). The fact that he did operate like that does not bode well for his future relationships. The fact that you did not think like that means you are in a far better position to have a fulfilling relationship in the future.

 

It's just a shame that he didn't want to work on things.

Oh yes, I understand that sentiment oh so well Such a shame was my first reaction when she left.

 

Having said that, we weren't in a good place at the end to sort anything out, we both needed time apart.

Kind of a cop-out and you're putting yourself down too much. Applies to him more than you. He wanted out, you were forced to accept that. So now you're forced to make the best of a situation you didn't choose to be in. In time, you will probably be grateful for your situation, but that will be because you turned it around into something better for you, not because you wanted it in the first place.

[winniethepooh]

Urgh, somebody slap me, please!

*SLAP*

 

I stupidly unblocked the ex on Facebook as I'm strong enough not to snoop on his page (not that I would be able to see anything anyway) but I thought I would be fine seeing anything he posts on mutual friends pages, as he just makes jokey comments and stuff.

Oops Yes, don't assume you're fine yet just because you feel like that for a period of time.

 

Consider unblocking him when you're sure you don't care. And then don't unblock him ...

 

... because you don't care, right

 

I'm now over-analysing that! Thinking it might have something to do with me, that I've upset him when I kind of dumped him back. Maybe I'm hoping in some way he IS hurting and regretting things. I can't see why he didn't go out for the day, normal him would have jumped at the chance.

And that's the problem. You don't know, and that analysis is sucking up your energy and setting you back. He's probably not normal now anyway.

[winniethepooh]

It's because I do care about him and I guess I always will.

You might always care, you might not. At the moment you do, so have as little to do with information about him as possible. All you know is that any information will affect you, you don't know how.

 

But at the same time I thought I was getting to a point where I didn't,

Wait until you're a long way past that point, don't start doing things because you think you're approaching that point.

 

Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming towards you (as I discovered recently, bleah, but that's another story).

 

Right, northpickle, carry on!

Indeed

[northpickle]

Hey winnie, thanks for all your feedback. It means a lot especially when you're going through heartbreak yourself. I woke up this morning and I've just cried and cried, partially because I miss him in my life, but mainly through confusion. I really really logically cannot explain why I love him. There's a line in that song, the video I posted a page or so back:

 

"Told yourself you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember"

 

I rarely felt loved by him. I wasn't happy in the relationship, I wasn't getting what I wanted. I'm so confused I'm still so hurt and I don't know why.

 

Maybe he was, but you're not a car or a piece of furniture he's thinking about buying. You're a person too. And a relationship is between two people, it shouldn't be something one person decides he (or she) wants or doesn't want (at least, not when it's become clear that both people have chosen to be in that relationship). The fact that he did operate like that does not bode well for his future relationships. The fact that you did not think like that means you are in a far better position to have a fulfilling relationship in the future.

 

That is so true, but in hindsight I knew what was happening, I could feel him pulling away in the last few weeks, becoming more distant. He was doing daft stuff, not concentrating on his driving for example, I knew something wasn't right but I didn't say anything because I was scared that my fears would be realised, I tried to pretend it wasn't happening almost, which led to me changing my behaviour, becoming a nervous wreck etc and that just validated his decision. That's what I mean by saying we weren't in a good place at the end. We were both at fault.

[winniethepooh]

Hey winnie, thanks for all your feedback. It means a lot especially when you're going through heartbreak yourself.

You're welcome. Glad it helps I haven't gone through the post-breakup communication scenario that you have but some of what you describe resonates with me, so I find it helpful for myself to post comments here.

 

I woke up this morning and I've just cried and cried, partially because I miss him in my life, but mainly through confusion. I really really logically cannot explain why I love him.

Ah yes, those times will come. Have shed plenty of tears myself.

 

Love isn't logical, or some such cliche. I try and leave out logic but focus on rational. But I do know why I loved (love) her. I don't know if that serves any purpose when it comes to healing, but I am glad I'm clear about that in my mind.

 

But felt so lonely in your company

Oh dear

 

I rarely felt loved by him. I wasn't happy in the relationship, I wasn't getting what I wanted. I'm so confused I'm still so hurt and I don't know why.

Perhaps the hurt is less to do with him and more to do with how much you invested in the relationship. Now it feels like it was all just such a waste, but it does reflect positively on you. You will get your energy back eventually. You know that

 

I knew something wasn't right but I didn't say anything because I was scared that my fears would be realised, I tried to pretend it wasn't happening almost, which led to me changing my behaviour, becoming a nervous wreck etc and that just validated his decision. That's what I mean by saying we weren't in a good place at the end. We were both at fault.

Ah, don't you hate that, like watching one of those movies where you can see what's going wrong as it happens. But worse because it's happening to you

[northpickle]

Perhaps the hurt is less to do with him and more to do with how much you invested in the relationship. Now it feels like it was all just such a waste, but it does reflect positively on you. You will get your energy back eventually. You know that

 

I think this has just hit the nail on the head - in time I probably won't think of those 14 months as a waste, and will hopefully look back with fondness at all the amazing things we did and times we had. But now, yeah, I feel like it was a bit of a waste, because I give the relationship my absolute everything (or tried to, I'm not perfect but I couldn't have loved him any more) but I'm pretty sure he didn't feel the same way about me, or at least was confused...I'm getting on with my life and I'm not sat around moping like I was in the early weeks, but damn! I miss him a lot! "Friends" just wasn't cutting it

[AnnaN]

I am trying to move on... to better or worse times, I don't know.

I just can't let it go, it's been a little more than 3 weeks after break up.

At the beginning, thinking that the ex is moving on, motivated me to do the same. Like a contest who is going to move on faster (normally it would be him, the dumper). He said he wanted to be alone at this point, so I imagined him going out with friends, meet new women... But I have realized that he didn't. He spends all his nights at home (he is living with his parents and sister) and he makes pathetic updates on facebook (he almost never used facebook). A couple of nights ago he wrote something like

"we act without prior thinking, we are afraid to love and be loved, we leave because of fear, and finally we die without having lived

 

I am trying hard to move on, I feel better than the first days but I still have issues. I can't concentrate on my job and studies. Now I have problems with my postgraduate studies that I left behind and it may be too late to make things the way they were again, so I may have to leave them.

I know job, studies and things like these should distract me, make me want to do them for myself but I just can't...