Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

Hello

 

Yeah, I'm just going to have to let him go and figure himself out I suppose, I can't be spending time with someone whom I have very strong feelings for, wondering all the time if he is going to say anything meaningful, not just chit chat and sob stories about all the times he's going out and getting steaming drunk and regretting it!

 

By meaningful I mean anything to do with our situation, not just that he wants to get back together. For instance it would have been good to hear how he is feeling about things and me, that it's good / hard being friends, how he thinks he made the right / wrong decision or he's not sure, where he thought the relationship went right / wrong or anything at all like that. But he won't, I have to mention it for my own sanity and he runs off! It's rubbish! I know I can't make him say anything he doesn't feel comfortable with but not expressing your feelings will never lead to a successful relationship for him. I'm not perfect at it but I always tried and I've been doing a lot of reading (especially Al Turtle) on how I can improve things. Be good to have someone to practise with though Haha!

 

Still in a venting mood it seems! I can see me posting a lot again tonight, I had a very strong urge to contact the ex about an hour ago but it's passed and I won't, don't worry.

[Ms Darcy]

IThere were lots of little things that I wasn't happy with in the relationship, he wasn't very affectionate or thoughtful for instance, and when I brought anything up I always felt like I was the bad guy. I felt that he wanted a pretty casual (but exclusive) relationship, nothing too heavy, and I went along with that but now it seems he was always weighing me up to see if I was "the one", decided I wasn't and then finished it. But because I was trying to keep things casual-ish and not too heavy, then I never initiated any serious talk, and neither did he.

 

I tend to think a man who treat you this way doesn't see you as "the one".

 

Hey,

 

I'm not sure how he can just flip to friend mode after a relationship, I only wanted that if it was a means to starting again, even if it's 3 / 6 / 9 months down the road or whatever.

 

To me, that sounds like a "conditional" friendship though right? Friendship with expectations.

 

Hello

 

By meaningful I mean anything to do with our situation, not just that he wants to get back together. For instance it would have been good to hear how he is feeling about things and me, that it's good / hard being friends, how he thinks he made the right / wrong decision or he's not sure, where he thought the relationship went right / wrong or anything at all like that. But he won't, I have to mention it for my own sanity and he runs off! It's rubbish! I know I can't make him say anything he doesn't feel comfortable with but not expressing your feelings will never lead to a successful relationship for him.

 

Honey, I am in your corner but this is waay too much. If I talked about an ex, I would want to do that with a parent, friend, or heck even priest but not the ex I dumped. Outside of the break up conversation, I don't think giving someone the play by play is very healthy and I would not want to do that in my own life.

 

Just something for you to think about.

[northpickle]

Hi there

 

I tend to think a man who treat you this way doesn't see you as "the one".

 

I agree, to some extent. I was either getting mixed signals from him or misinterpreting his actions. As we were friends before we got together he already knew me pretty well. One of our first dates, within 3 weeks, was him taking me to the other side of the country for 2 days and nights as he was the best man at an old friend's wedding, he said he wanted to show me off and I met dozens of people I didn't know. It was amazing, I wasn't expecting to be invited as obviously the couple getting married had to make arrangements just for me at the last minute, an extra seat and meal for example. But he was that into me that he asked a really big favour of his friend to do that.

 

I know none of this matters now as the relationship is over, he was once very much into me I guess, and one day it will just be a very fond memory but GOD! He completely swept me off my feet! And continued to do so for a while. Then things settled down as they do but I mostly enjoyed every second I spent with him.

 

To me, that sounds like a "conditional" friendship though right? Friendship with expectations.

 

You're right, it does. But like I say, as much as I still want to spend time with him, the limbo that was going on, the false hope he was either giving me (or perhaps I was kidding myself with) was driving me crazy. The amount of times I told him I couldn't just be his friend right now yet he still wanted to meet up made me think he did want something more, or at least work towards something more eventually.

 

Honey, I am in your corner but this is waay too much. If I talked about an ex, I would want to do that with a parent, friend, or heck even priest but not the ex I dumped. Outside of the break up conversation, I don't think giving someone the play by play is very healthy and I would not want to do that in my own life.

 

Just something for you to think about.

 

Yep, I also see what you're saying here too. I don't think it would be healthy or wise for us to have any sort of discussion like this if we were just to be friends or ex-partners, but if we were ever to get back together then we would need to. But that's not what he wants, I respect that and he has no need to say anything of the sort to me now. I just can't hang out with him, laugh, chat, joke, flirt or whatever and pretend that we never had a relationship though.

 

Thanks very much for your input

 

***

 

I'm OK today, although a little sad and guilty that I've cut him out of my life when he obviously wanted to stay in touch. Is this how a dumper feels? I feel like I've dumped him now! Because I am going to miss him but I suppose I did the right thing for me, no matter how much it stings. I guess the emotions are still too raw for both of us, especially if he reacts by running away still.

 

I hope one day I'll feel as good as I ever did in his company and do the brilliant things we did again, whoever it may be with. I was thinking yesterday a bit of our anniversary in June, he booked a hotel and kept it a secret, and we had a fantastic day out too in a beautiful national heritage site, walking hand in hand, running round like kids, exploring. It was one of the best days I've ever had in a stunning place. I hope one day I can go back there, so many places are still tainted by his memory I hope I won't be a hermit forever!

[Ms Darcy]

It was amazing, I wasn't expecting to be invited as obviously the couple getting married had to make arrangements just for me at the last minute, an extra seat and meal for example. But he was that into me that he asked a really big favour of his friend to do that.

 

I know none of this matters now as the relationship is over, he was once very much into me I guess, and one day it will just be a very fond memory but GOD! He completely swept me off my feet! And continued to do so for a while. Then things settled down as they do but I mostly enjoyed every second I spent with him.

 

Yes, he was clearly very into you and serious about you. I don't mean to suggest he wasn't. He valued you and loved you.

 

 

You're right, it does. But like I say, as much as I still want to spend time with him, the limbo that was going on, the false hope he was either giving me (or perhaps I was kidding myself with) was driving me crazy. The amount of times I told him I couldn't just be his friend right now yet he still wanted to meet up made me think he did want something more, or at least work towards something more eventually.

 

I understand how you felt that way.

 

Yep, I also see what you're saying here too. I don't think it would be healthy or wise for us to have any sort of discussion like this if we were just to be friends or ex-partners, but if we were ever to get back together then we would need to. But that's not what he wants, I respect that and he has no need to say anything of the sort to me now. I just can't hang out with him, laugh, chat, joke, flirt or whatever and pretend that we never had a relationship though.

 

Right, it makes sense for getting back together, but not for friendship. I know hon. Now it's about letting go of that hope.

 

I hope you start getting out there and travelling sooner rather than later. Good luck!

[northpickle]

Yes, he was clearly very into you and serious about you. I don't mean to suggest he wasn't. He valued you and loved you.

 

Yes, he did, once. There are so many examples I can give where he went over and above my expectations. I know I've posted a lot on here about how I didn't feel as valued by him as I wanted to be, but in retrospect he started off very heavy and then he slowly dwindled on his efforts, I started panicking and worrying about whether he did like me, leading to minor disagreements, and thus the end. We both made mistakes. It's a shame when we had something so electric but it's his decision.

 

I'm still trying to build up the strength to do anything with all the FB photo albums of our times together, I daren't look at them yet. I know it's going to crease me up. I've done most other things of removing memories from my day-to-day life but this is really going to hurt.

[northpickle]

Ooh, get this!

 

I have been cordially invited to an annual dinner by a Member of Parliament! This is to do with the political organisation I'm involved in. I feel very hand-picked and important, haha! I have something to look forward to that has absolutely nothing to do with the ex, no associated memories and what not. Brilliant!

 

I think I might go out tonight and celebrate!

[Kaytie]

Wow! Fantastic! Congratulations

 

Ooh, get this!

 

I have been cordially invited to an annual dinner by a Member of Parliament! This is to do with the political organisation I'm involved in. I feel very hand-picked and important, haha! I have something to look forward to that has absolutely nothing to do with the ex, no associated memories and what not. Brilliant!

 

I think I might go out tonight and celebrate!

[northpickle]

Thanks! Looking forward to that now, hobnobbing with important people! Not bad for a girl who has spent the last two months in a daze Must be doing something right somewhere I guess.

 

It's weird because when I opened the envelope and read it, my first thought was "Wow! I'll have to email [ex] and let him know!" even though we've been apart 2 months. I guess it's because we've had those periods of limited contact. I can't wait for those thoughts to go, thinking of him whenever something comes up. I suppose it's normal after sharing so much of each other's lives for over a year. Those thoughts will go though, I know they will.

[Kaytie]

It's very normal. Only 2 weeks after my ex walked out on our 12 year relationship I received a huge promotion at work.

 

1. I felt sad that I couldn't celebrate and share it with her but....

2. I am glad that my old salary was the one used when we were calculating things when going through our separation agreement, lol.

 

Thanks! Looking forward to that now, hobnobbing with important people! Not bad for a girl who has spent the last two months in a daze Must be doing something right somewhere I guess.

 

It's weird because when I opened the envelope and read it, my first thought was "Wow! I'll have to email [ex] and let him know!" even though we've been apart 2 months. I guess it's because we've had those periods of limited contact. I can't wait for those thoughts to go, thinking of him whenever something comes up. I suppose it's normal after sharing so much of each other's lives for over a year. Those thoughts will go though, I know they will.

[northpickle]

Haha! Every cloud had a silver lining, eh?!

 

I just have to keep thinking positive, I'm still kind of stuck in a rut but it's a lot happier rut, if that makes sense. I have a lot of good things in my life, my daughter being the best one, I already have unconditional love in my life and I'm so thankful for her, she's brilliant, she truly is. The weekends are still a bit hard for me, she stays with her dad and 6pm Friday the ex would come and pick me up and we'd enjoy spending time together on the weekend. That's what I still miss, I'm still trying to fill that void I guess. Nothing else seems as good and as much fun yet. But I'm sure one day it will

[shortest_straw90]

WOW well done pickle Im really pleased for you.

[northpickle]

Hey everyone,

 

I went out last night, caught up with lots of old friends (I even went to an indie club and had a dance, just for you Phil! and yeah, had a pretty good night out, talking with new people as well as people I knew. Trying to make new memories I suppose. The sadness was still in me, but I didn't let it show and overall had a fun time.

 

However, it's a good job I didn't check my emails on my phone. I think I got drunk emailed by the ex. 10.15pm last night he sent me this:

 

It's ok [my pet name], I know you wouldn't want to,

 

That's it. That's all it says.

[northpickle]

Urgh...why did he even send me this? I don't even know what it means! "I know you wouldn't want to" ??? Knows I wouldn't want to what?!

 

I'm so glad I didn't see this until today, it would have spoiled my night out yesterday had I seen it.

 

I assume he means that he knows I wouldn't want to be just friends...it's such a strange thing to send nearly a week after seeing him though.

 

I'm confused

[shortest_straw90]

Glad to hear you had a good time last night. I wouldnt think too much of the email, its obvious he was drunk.

It doesnt really mean anything, he might not even be aware he sent it now.

Id just forget about it if I were you.

[northpickle]

Hey Phil, it was a bit of a wild night! I was talking to an old male friend (more a friend of a friend really) who is still hurting from a break-up of a 12! year relationship so we were kind of hanging out being all hurt together, haha! No, we had lots of fun, lots of people out I knew but no-one who is really friendly with the ex, so the topic of the break-up didn't really come up much. Which helps!

 

Yeah, I can only assume it's a drunk email, he's normally very self controlled with his communications whilst drinking. Yeah, I'm tempted to ask him what he means but on reflection it doesn't really mean anything, does it?

 

Missing him lots today, I think it's because the fireworks are about to start. There's something symbolic about fireworks and celebration, to know many people will be out having a great time and I don't feel like doing anything today! Last bonfire night we didn't do a great deal anyway, so I don't have any hard memories to get over. Just feeling a bit down and lonely

[shortest_straw90]

I wouldnt bother getting in touch with him, if he meant anything by it he would say it when sober and he'd explain exactly what he meant.

But because he hasnt bothered to do that its not really worth breaking NC.

I dont know him but if it was my ex who did that it would probably be her testing to see if she can get me to reply.

She did it a couple of times at the start of the break up, every time Id be getting anywhere with NC she'd get in touch again.

If she was to do that now she'd get nothing back and I suggest you do the same.

[northpickle]

Hey, yeah, it's just so vague, if it had been a chatty email asking questions or whatever then that's different. I guess he must be still hurting a bit too, or thinking of me anyway. Hmph.

[carrie8484]

hey pickle.

drunk texts/emails from dumper exes are incredibly confusing and frustrating. It's pretty selfish of them to do this to us. I got a text at 1am last friday night from my ex asking a stupid question. He was obviously out in town and drunk. I replied the next day as I was asleep when he sent the text and I didnt get a reply. Typical breadrumb text that I caved in to. Just be careful of these drunken late night texts/emails because although they are obviously thinking about us at the time, it doesnt mean (from my experience) that we should get our hopes up or read too much into it. it can set us back more than anything. stay strong

carrie

[northpickle]

Hi Carrie

 

Thank you, I'm not going to read anything into it, but it is very confusing because a) I'm not quite sure what he means and b) he's not really the type of person to drunk text / email. Or he wasn't when we were together anyway...he's hardly a wild child but he settled down a lot when he was with me, I know he has been drinking a lot lot more since we split up and seems regretful of it. Maybe he thought he was missing out on something? Who knows. I'm leaving him be anyway.

 

It's strange to think it went from long chatty flirty emails through the relationship to bizarre drunken nonsensical ones after it!

[DN]

Think of bonfire night as the symbolic end of one phase of your life and the beginning of another. Guy will understand and will not have died in vain!!

[Ms Darcy]

What a useless text. I hope you can block his number.

[DN]

I agree with Ms Darcy - block his number. And tell him to stop messaging you.

[carrie8484]

my ex is not one for drunk texting either, so it was a little surprising that he's done it twice and only in the past month and we have been broken up 5 months! While we were together he would never text me while on a night out unless he was meeting me at some point, and while we have been broken up he has never texted me on a weekend except as I said this past month. They really are quite bizarre aren't they?! Some people get more courage after a few drinks and saying what is on their mind (or trying to) sometimes becomes easier....but not when it doesnt make sense to us! My ex is on the shy side and not an alpha male type, and I think drink helps him express himself a little more (but not very clearly). I wouldvery strongly suggest not replying, he needs to be clear in his messages to you to warrant a reply, breadcrumbs are utterly pathetic and not worthy of our time!

[northpickle]

Hey everyone - it was an email, not a text message. I can get emails on my phone but I actively have to open up the web browser if you understand, it's not a smartphone where I see them straight away. So I didn't see it until this morning when I turned on my laptop.

 

I haven't blocked his number yet but have deleted it off my phone. Can you block an email address? Not that I would do that straight away. I don't know, I'm not overly upset at the email but I was surprised.

 

There are loads of fireworks going off but I'm not actually feeling as bad as I thought I would, I'm just chilling out I suppose. And yes DN, I'm trying to think that Mr Fawkes did me a favour in 1605!

 

Carrie, my ex sounds similar to yours. He comes accross as the strong and silent type, but when I got to know him I realised he did have some insecurities and could be socially awkward, especially in unfamiliar territory. He seemed a lot more chilled out in my company and people commented on that. I'm not going to reply, there's nothing to reply to really. I obviously don't know that he was drunk but Friday night, 10pm, knowing his behaviour past BU (drinking a lot) and even the fact that it ended with a comma instead of a full stop! Not like him at all. But hey-ho, I'm not going to reply

[why do we]

What's the point over thinking that nonsense... Mine after 3 months silence sent me the following : first "my word" about 1 hour later I saw the text nearly dropped the phone and because I was caught off guard I sent him question mark. Next I see his reply and fall off the chair ... it says "Gaddafi!" Maybe he wasn't drunk. Maybe he took to hard drugs. The point is if you've got nothing to say why say anything.