Moving On To Better Times

[FreedomRing]

Hi there North

 

I see..............not much has changed since my last post. So little in fact, that bits of my previous STILL applies! I fear that by continuing to meet up with him again, you're really only helping HIM heal. You're accommodating HIM. Accommodating and compromising are good traits, indeed. WITH YOUR PARTNER. Let's be clear....he made the decision to not have you as a partner anymore. So why does he still get the ever so accommodating and compromising North? Where's the logic to that? You should only be accommodating yourself. You should not be compromising on anything that is going to make you feel less then the special lady that you are.

 

Having these ambiguous meetings is confusing you and hurting you. I don't like how he feels 'sorry' for causing you so much pain, but feels 'comfortable' enough to keep opening your wound. That is selfish.

 

Reply back to his email and draw the line in the sand. Once and for all. I think Sim is on to something that your ex definitely seemed critical of you and that you may have been doing some pretzeling for him..which is never good. I suspect that with the proper NC and full acceptance that it is over, you will reach that realization where most take off their rose-colored glasses and take the relationship off the pedestal. I think with real time and space you may reach a point where you realize this break up was for the good.

 

 

.

 

Men are attracted to women who show self respect and dignity to themselves. By eagerly agreeing to meet up with him(again, on his terms...only when HE invites) is a disservice to you. He dumped YOU. And now he is living his life as he sees fit.

 

Your ex seems like the type who will always come sniffing when it's clear he's not on your radar. Expect these little "crumb bits" to continue..little invites to meet up here and there, especially as you maintain NC and focus on YOU. But don't become disillusioned......he's fully capable of stating he wnats to give it another shot with you, etc...and HE IS NOT DOING THAT. "

 

[DN]

After all this to-ing and fro-ing I would answer that you have no interest in talking to him unless he is serious about getting back together. Otherwise you should request him to leave you alone. Time to be direct and crystal clear.

[Sim54]

After all this to-ing and fro-ing I would answer that you have no interest in talking to him unless he is serious about getting back together. Otherwise you should request him to leave you alone. Time to be direct and crystal clear.

 

Well, i'd rather hoped she'd come to that conclusion herself, but yeah, that's about the nut's and bolts of it.

[The Man Who]

Just a thought here as well North - depends how open minded you are but do you truly ever get time to relax? I mean really relax, not worry about anything, not feeling stressed about anything? Do you ever truly get "alone time" to yourself, be it for 10-30 mins?

 

If not, I'd recommend learning some self-hypnosis to get you in a relaxed frame of mind. I know a lot of people are skeptical but it feels awesome. I tried it for the first time ever on Friday night after watching Derren Brown and I was shocked how quickly I felt composed/relaxed/calm.

 

Feel free to send me a PM if you'd want a hand learning about it

 

TMW

[northpickle]

Oh, I just typed the longest multi-quote reply EVER and lost it! Gah! How annoying! I'll try again.

 

I would also guess, and I'm sorry if this comes over a bit harsh, that he doesn't respect you very much. I think he finds it HARD to respect you, that deep down, he's been able to put you down, and you've let him, and not stood up to him. Perhaps i'm wrong. Only you know. But from the way you've described things, even down to the original title of your thread, you come accross as needing a bit more back bone! I for one, find women who don't take any * * * * , VERY sexy.

 

Hi Sim, thanks. This made me think a lot. I do have a backbone but my self esteem isn't as good as it should be, although it's not terribly low. I occasionally felt conflicted in the relationship with regards to whether to completely be myself, or try and be the person that HE wanted me to be. Not that he ever said that I should change anything, but I could almost sense things that he didn't like. In a way this can be a good thing, because throughout the relationship I was always improving myself but at times I felt as if I wasn't quite good enough for him, and he did little to convince me otherwise.

 

I

see..............not much has changed since my last post. So little in fact, that bits of my previous STILL applies! I fear that by continuing to meet up with him again, you're really only helping HIM heal. You're accommodating HIM. Accommodating and compromising are good traits, indeed. WITH YOUR PARTNER. Let's be clear....he made the decision to not have you as a partner anymore. So why does he still get the ever so accommodating and compromising North? Where's the logic to that? You should only be accommodating yourself. You should not be compromising on anything that is going to make you feel less then the special lady that you are

.

 

Hi FreedomRing, thanks I haven't replied to him yet but will do so later today. I have already sent him a "we can't be friends and I only want to see you if it is to actively discuss the relationship" type email about two weeks ago, and last time I met up with him it was meant to be just to swap possessions, but it ended up with us spending the whole evening together. I think my message seems to have got lost along the way.

 

After all this to-ing and fro-ing I would answer that you have no interest in talking to him unless he is serious about getting back together. Otherwise you should request him to leave you alone. Time to be direct and crystal clear.

 

Hi DN. Yeah, I think you're right, I need to say this again, don't I? I'm split between just sending an email just like this or asking what kind of meet-up he is suggesting and remind him that I can't be his friend. AGAIN. Having said that on re-reading his email I'm not sure if it even warrants a reply...the last sentences are...

 

Wondered if you fancied catching up again this weekend? I'll drop you a line towards the end of the week and we can see how we're fixed for meeting up

 

So it sounds like he's going to get back in touch anyway. I might just wait and see what he comes back with and leave it for now?

 

If not, I'd recommend learning some self-hypnosis to get you in a relaxed frame of mind. I know a lot of people are skeptical but it feels awesome. I tried it for the first time ever on Friday night after watching Derren Brown and I was shocked how quickly I felt composed/relaxed/calm.

 

Hi TMW. Yeah, I'll get in touch with you later about that, cheers I find simple deep breathing helps me a lot and have never tried self-hypnosis. It just sounds a little bit frightening not being in control of your own conciousness!

 

Thanks again all

[superfox]

Although wine and chocolate seem to be my usual advice Pickle, I want to jump in here. I don't think you should wait for him to get back to you then mention it, I think you should take control and send him a message first! I don't know whether he is stringing you along to make his mind up or tryin to alleviate some guilt or trying to (obviously not!) make it 'easier for you' by these occasional in and out meets and convos. It's not helping you move on as its making you more confised and you are the only one who matters here!

 

So email him! Best of loves xxx

[northpickle]

Wine and chocolate! Mmmm!

 

I hear what you're saying but I don't want to make any hasty moves, looking back at his email it actually gives me some time as he is probably not expecting me to reply. I just want to know what is going through his mind as this situation is dragging on and it's not getting me anywhere. That's why I'm wavering in favour of meeting up with him again and instead of doing the ridiculous friend thing, actually have a proper talk with him. I'd rather do it in person than by email, y'see. And then I won't be waiting for a reply, the conversation will be real time.

[The Man Who]

I never thought I'd say this but to quote a certain Irish singer......."You say it best, when you say nothing at all" seems to spring to mind in your situation North. I'll let you figure out who it was though

[northpickle]

Haha! Thanks TMW! I'm going to have that bleeding song stuck in my head all evening now

 

I have an unexpected evening to myself, my daughter is staying with her grandma for a sleepover. This happens during school holidays from time to time and when it did, I would always stay with the ex for the night. So it's a bit odd that I'm not emailing him and letting him know still!

 

I've never been through anything like this before, it's so odd. I've either been the dumper and checked out long before I ended the relationship or been dumped and it's been made clear to me that they didn't want to be in touch with me, for both our sakes.

[northpickle]

Well, I've just been invited out for a meal tonight by a friend in a very last minute rushed situation, which is a good thing because I'm alone tonight and I'd be sat around wondering whether to email the ex or not. Should take my mind off things for a few hours anyway

[northpickle]

Last night was...well...I don't know. Odd!

 

I very rarely go out on a weekday as I'm usually at home with my daughter, so it was good to get out for a change. I meet up with my friend, we have something to eat and are sat having a drink when all of a sudden someone walks up to me, it takes me a few seconds to realise who it is. It was a lad I went all the way through primary and secondary school with, we were best buddies when we were about 7 or 8! I've only seen him once since we left school 13 years ago, as he moved to London and has been down there for most of the time since, I think.

 

He was out with one of his friends so they join us at our table. I'll be honest here, he was pretty drunk and he said that he has just split up with his fiancee and has moved back in with his parents, and that he was now working back in the area. He kept saying how weird it was to bump into me and that he was thinking about me recently and how we used to play board games together, things like that.

 

We swap numbers and say we should catch up soon, he says he would like to take me to dinner. We all go to another bar, and he starts texting me things like "I've always loved you" while I'm stood next to him!! What the heck?! As I say he was very drunk and obviously a bit of a mess if he's just split up with his fiancee, but I didn't ask anything about that.

 

I go for a cigarette outside and he comes with me, the bar was full of people younger than me, mainly university students, and the old friend and I stand talking to a nice girl we didn't know who said she was 18, just started uni, was really enjoying it. I'm freezing so I go back inside, 10 minutes later the girl I was chatting to comes over to me and says "Your friend is amazing! It's like we've known each other all our lives and we have this connection! We think we're in love!"

 

Errmmmm...

 

I just say "Yeah, yeah, he's great!" It was getting quite late by this point so I decide to go home, get a pizza on the way back (and chatted to a lovely young man while waiting for my food ) I lost the old friend in the bar as it was absolutely packed so goodness knows what happened to him, I texted him to say "Good to see you tonight" but I didn't get a reply, haha!

 

So yeah. this doesn't really have anything to do with the ex but I thought it was an amusing anecdote that people would like to read

[northpickle]

Me again!

 

I bit the bullet and emailed him a few hours ago, I said I wasn't sure why he was suggesting these meet ups if it is not to talk about healing our relationship, then a sentence about what I was up to this week.

 

He's just replied:

 

Hey,

 

I know what you mean, I was being a bit stubborn. [then just a couple of sentences about he's working away Wednesday and Thursday a few hundred miles away and hopes I have a good week] I'll give you a shout Friday and we can sort something out for Saturday.

 

Ex x

 

The kiss has returned. Obviously it doesn't need a reply but once again I've stated my case, he hasn't really acknowledged what I've said (the stubborn bit has thrown me a bit, what does he mean by that?) but still wants to meet up. I'm really going to have to take the bull by the horns here, aren't I? Even though I was the one that was dumped?

[DN]

Tell him that if he is messing you about you won't forgive him and will never contact you again.

[northpickle]

I told him he had stubborn tendencies the day after he dumped me when we met up, and he said he wasn't a stubborn person! Ha!

 

I suppose I should just leave it for now and see what he comes up with on Friday? I don't want to do any more emotional stuff via email, but it seems the more I do stand up for myself the quicker he gets back in touch. I only sent that email 2 hours before he replied. But he's still not saying much. I'm still wavering towards talking about it all in person with him.

[Sim54]

I think you absolutely MUST talk to him about this in person. Don't waiver towards that!

You need clarity, and if that means repeating what you need over and over until he gets it, then so be it.

[northpickle]

Hi again.

 

I'm nervous now, about Saturday I mean. I'm still waiting to hear back from him on what he actually wants to do, but he said he'd get in touch tomorrow. I know I'm going to have to say something along the lines of "if he still doesn't want to reconcile, then I'm going to have to cut him out of my life". I don't know how to approach it at all, I'm not sure whether to pour my heart out to him (this is what I've done in after disagreements in the past) or to just be as cool as possible. I'm quite honestly a bit scared and need advice.

 

He is not the sort of person to bring up anything like this, this is why I know I'm going to have to be the one to do it. And it's nervewracking.

 

As an aside, it's one of the ex's best mates birthdays in a few weeks and I can see lots of our mutual friends are attending the celebrations via FB. It's made me feel a bit sad as I haven't been invited (I don't actually want to go because of the ex situation, but I would have been there normally) and that's made me feel a bit miserable too

 

Need cheering up tonight, I think! I've had a good day until now, just put my daughter to bed after a lovely day shopping (for her! loads of new clothes!) and trying not to feel too down and apprehensive.

[northpickle]

Well, it's nearly 7.30pm and he hasn't got in touch like he said he would to sort out what we're meant to be doing tomorrow. I feel daft because I'm staying in, there's a gig tonight I wanted to go to but I'm pretty sure he will be there so decided to stay away. It might turn out that he hasn't gone and I've stayed in for no good reason!

 

This is becoming a joke. A not very funny joke, at that. I appreciate there is still a good few hours of Friday left to go but this is ridiculous.

[DN]

Message him and tell him that if he doesn't sort something out very soon you are going to make alternate arrangements.

[northpickle]

Message him and tell him that if he doesn't sort something out very soon you are going to make alternate arrangements.

 

Hi DN - I might give it until 9pm (ie: just over another hour) and maybe do this, I was thinking similar myself. I can quite easily make other arrangements anyway. I don't know whether he's forgotten or doesn't know what to say or is trying to drag this out as much as possible or is genuinely thoughtless.

 

If he has gone to this gig and I get a text message tonight while he is out, almost as an afterthought, then I won't be best pleased. He might be expecting to see me there. I said I was probably going last time I saw him but can't be chewed with it, even though a lot of old friends are going.

[DN]

Well, he may have thought he would make arrangements with you there since you said you would probably go. Maybe you should tell him you aren't and ask what the arrangements are for tomorrow.

[northpickle]

His ears must have been burning...just had an email:

 

Hey,

 

I hope you've had a good week. [place name] was fine, [a celebrity] was in the Restaurant! I'm free from late afternoon on Saturday (or Sunday until late afternoon). Maybe we could go to [a pub] for a pint Saturday evening? Just a thought.. let me know what you think.

 

Ex x

[DN]

What are you going to reply?

[northpickle]

I'm not sure DN, I'm a bit uneasy that he's left it relatively late to reply. I'm more than happy with his suggestion of where to meet up, but it's going to (again) take me replying at least once at the last minute to sort out details. Or maybe that's just me being a stickler for organisation!

 

And I still don't know what to say to him when I see him again. This limbo is not good at all...

 

It's almost like he is * * * * * footing around me even though he's the one that ended the relationship, which is really bizarre.

[northpickle]

Oh, that edited word is a pet name for a cat, nothing rude!

[northpickle]

I emailed him back saying 7pm at the place he suggested would be fine. He emailed me back almost straight away saying he'll see me there.