Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

Hi DN,

 

As he works on a PC online all day, has a laptop at home and has two smartphones, unless there's been an emergency of some sort then I can't think of a good reason not to reply!

 

Personally if I don't hear from him today / tonight then yeah, I'll say I've made other plans. Feel like he's messing me around a bit.

[DN]

Well, I suppose there could be some sort of emergency but it is unlikely. I think it is disrespectful under the circumstances not to have replied with out very good cause.

[learning2relax]

You know, if he weirds out, no need to see it as anything more than that. Remember, he made the decision to breakup. It was not only a big decision for you, it was for him as well. They inquire about wanting to get together because maybe it is the overwhelming desire to at the time. Doesn't mean that he might wonder himself if that is the right thing to do, is it the right time, can he forgive and let go of the past, etc....

 

The facts that you have before you, he wrote and he inquired. That is more than you have gotten in a while right? So even if it doesn't materialize today, there are things that you can take from this to feel better about. You got validation that he is thinking of you because he wrote to you. He misses you. Otherwise he would not have thought about seeing you and making the offer. A friend recently reminded me when I got contact and an offer of sorts recently from my ex of almost two years......men do not put an offer out there if it is not something that they want to do. Mine also weirded out. So this is the way I look at it, he is just as scared as I am.

 

Just because we are the ones that are considered the "dumpees" (hate these terms) doesn't mean that it wasn't painful for the other person that made the decision to end things. If he wants friendship, maybe he is questioning whether he is ready for it? Are you ready for it? Is it a realistic expectation or request this soon after things ended between you. If he is considering reconciliation (and you might not know this straight away even if you get together as he would most likely be testing the waters or evaluating), he might be thinking, is this what he wants? Why did I break up with her in the first place? Can it really be different? Will I just end up here again and have to relive the pain of ending the relationship again? They have all the same thoughts, emotions, and feelings that we do. When they connection was that strong and the relationship relatively good, how could they not?

 

So, if he doesn't respond, I would chalk it up to his not being ready right now. Let it go at that. Doesn't mean you hold on to hope. You never know when he could be ready......you don't want to wait 1 yr, 5 yrs, 10 yrs for him to get there. You have to get on with your life. And truth be told, getting on with your life and moving as far away from the breakup of this meaningful relationship as possible is what gives reconciliation the best chance at success. You move far enough past the relationship where the painful memories are fuzzy at best if not completely irrelevant and meaningless. You have grown from the experience. You are on your way in your life growing from your experiences. And the same would be true for him as well.

 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

[trezeralietas]

I agree with L2R...don't over-think it. Just relax and keep giving the two of you space. Think about what you truly want at this juncture...do you want or can you handle just being friends if that's what he wants? If you were to reconcile do you think there is a good chance things could be different?

 

You'd need to have a completely open and honest conversation with him about what his expectations are and if he thinks he's done work on himself and his issues...you'd need to understand if there have been meaningful changes in your lives and the ways you think in order to determine if a future together is even viable.

 

This is a tough place to be. I feel your pain, darling! Keep that chin up and keep smiling your beautiful smile. Send him good vibes and keep loving yourself. Hugs!!

[northpickle]

Thank you everyone for your feedback, it's really appreciated and I love hearing everyone's opinions.

 

I do think he has weirded out, in a way. Maybe he wasn't expecting my reply to be so so chatty and non-emotional? I wasn't expecting him to take this long to reply because the last time we sorted out meeting up over two weeks ago the emails / texts were relatively fast flowing. I have no idea...

[learning2relax]

Thank you everyone for your feedback, it's really appreciated and I love hearing everyone's opinions.

 

I do think he has weirded out, in a way. Maybe he wasn't expecting my reply to be so so chatty and non-emotional? I wasn't expecting him to take this long to reply because the last time we sorted out meeting up over two weeks ago the emails / texts were relatively fast flowing. I have no idea...

 

There are reasons that the sayings we all commonly know exist......

 

Nothing worthwhile is easy.

 

Patience is a virtue.

 

All good things come to those who wait.

 

And the list goes on and on.......

[northpickle]

I'm being patient as much as I can be, I suppose! Now at the 48 hour point, 2 days since I replied. Not heard a sausage from him. I'm having a strange old day as well, my upstairs smoke alarm went off for no obvious reason (it's connected to the mains so it's not a duff battery or anything) and then I get an odd phone call about an unpaid electricity bill - but they wanted a man in a completely different part of the UK!

 

Right, I'm going out for a walk - today is doing my head in!

[The Man Who]

Chin up North - you've been doing well recently and yes he might be testing your patience but your strong enough to not let it bother you!

 

You've got other things going on in your life and your world doesn't revolve around him to get back in touch with you

[northpickle]

Thank you

 

Just been for a walk, or shall I say an angry stomp! I wanted to cry so badly but there's too many people everywhere, down side of living in a busy town centre I guess. So I came back home.

 

I'm not on this planet for people to test my patience with, I feel daft that I responded in a really lovely chatty manner, asking how he was and I would be happy to catch up with him, and he hasn't even bothered to reply in 2 days. Why did I bother? I feel stupid now.

 

I have plenty of patience in the right circumstances...I really can't be doing with this any more.

[DN]

No, you were not daft, you did the right thing.

 

But what this has done is to confirm that this is not the man for you. Treat it as a final closure and use it as a personal turning point - from now on this guy is out of your life and you can move on to someone who treats you properly.

[northpickle]

So upset - I was perhaps expecting a clipped and straight-to-the-point reply - but no reply at all yet? I suppose he might reply later today, tomorrow or later in the week, but seriously?

 

I wish I'd never met him and fell in love with him.

[DN]

I can understand why you feel that way.

 

Even if he were to reply, unless he has a really good reason for delay, there is no excuse for being so late. It shows a lack of concern or care for your feelings that would not be conducive to a good relationship even if he did want to get back together.

 

It some ways this might be easier than to have the meeting next weekend and be disappointed or to go through some tortuous and doomed to fail reconciliation attempt.

[northpickle]

Perhaps he thinks the delay is OK because of the "time and space" thing, or that because I've NCed him twice (3 weeks and then 2 weeks) then his delay is justified?

 

Not that I'm making excuses for him, far from it. But when he has emailed me asking specific questions and to arrange a meet-up, it feels cruel to wait so long to reply to my email.

 

It was 16 hours between his email and mine, but I was out of the house or asleep for most of that time!

 

I have a feeling i might be ranting on here a lot tonight! Apologies in advance!

[DN]

No need to apologise. If he does reply then see what you think then.

[northpickle]

Unless he's been slowly writing and editing a 14 page epic about where he went wrong and how much he wants me back, then time is ticking

[DN]

Unless he's been slowly writing and editing a 14 page epic about where he went wrong and how much he wants me back, then time is ticking

Is that timer attached to anything dangerous?

[northpickle]

Haha! Only the end of my tether with having anything to do with him, nothing explosive

[northpickle]

€Hi everyone, quite a lot happened last night so I'll try and summarise as best I can...

 

The ex emailed me early evening after a 2 day wait, I was online and we exchanged a fair few emails. I'll run over what was said:

 

EX - He's had a stomach bug for the past few weeks, he's waiting on hearing from a friend as to what is happening Saturday, he might be going to an outdoor activity centre but will definitely know by Thursday. And I'm welcome to go along if I want.

 

ME (I was now fuming!) I reiterated that I couldn't be his friend, and that for a fair few reasons I was blocking him again on Facebook (we have lots of mutual friends, about 45) because it wasn't helping me find out that he was planning days out to places I had suggested before the BU, adding an ex-girlfriend as a friend, seeing photos of gigs I was meant to be at with him, and seeing that he was bunking off work and getting drunk. I don't hate him, quite the opposite, but if he has no intention of working things out then I don't really need to be seeing what he is up to. But he is still welcome to get in touch if he wants to meet up.

 

EX He goes straight on the defensive about adding his ex-girlfriend on FB, saying they only dated for 6 months, 12 years ago and now FB has made changes to it's friend list privacy it was time to add her because he could just have her as an acquaintance ( absolute tripe if I've ever heard it! You see, I wasn't particularly bothered about this, it was interesting that everything I said in the previous email he didn't really make comment on, just this) and if that silly things he posts on FB are going to upset me, then it's best I block him.

 

ME I say it's none of my business what he does, but I'm not stupid.

 

EX He says he's sorry that he upset me, that he was insensitive for adding the ex (I was seriously not that bothered about it before!), "of course I care about you", he's going to bed (avoidance) and he says sorry again.

 

Phew! So that's what happened.

 

If he hadn't emailed me when I was so angry then maybe I would have handled it differently. I was polite and cordial to the most extent but I won't be left dangling on his string any more - through all of this he still didn't make his intentions clear but I did and I made it very clear where I stood. I don't regret anything I said. I'm not hanging round indefinitely.

 

It's all "sorry", "sorry" with him. No action, just apologies, even now, 6 weeks after his bleeding email dumping. Urgh!

 

Thanks for reading my tales of woe

[superfox]

Make your own even more fabulous plans for saturday night - without him!

[northpickle]

Make your own even more fabulous plans for saturday night - without him!

 

I will, when I'm feeling less wobbly! Urgh!

[northpickle]

Oh, for crying out loud. He's just emailed me this:

 

I'm not indifferent to you and we both know it's not about whether it's 'worth it' or not.

 

I'm sorry I upset you posting silly pictures up.

 

Ex

 

With a kiss afterwards. First time after the BU he's put a kiss at the end.

 

What does this even mean?!

[Sim54]

Try not to read between the lines too much. It usually happens when the carpet get's pulled out from underneath our feet. We try desperately to find firm footing, and hope that something the 'other' does will help us stabalise. Of course, they can't help us.

 

He isn't deliberately trying to screw you up. He's just following his agenda, not yours.

 

I think, for now, you need to ask yourself some simple questions.

Firstly, what do you need right now?

What do you need to do to take care of you?

Forget about saving your relationship. That will happen or not in it's own time.

For now, you need to heal, so work out what you need, not want, and then implement it.

 

Forget about what he's doing.

Forget about whether he's drinking and skivving off work.

It's his life, and even though you care, that doesn't dictate that you should alter your behaviour.

 

You need to prioritise yourself, and your healing, and move on.

You are too emotional right now to maintain contact with him so find a way to limit or remove contact with him, without slamming the door in his face, which won't achieve anything and will make you feel bad down the line.

Just tactfully withdraw for now, and lick your wounds.

There will be time enough when you've both calmed down, to speak and perhaps hang out.

 

Be strong, and try to treat yourself with the love and care and attention that you used to bestow on him.

You deserve it.

 

Peace.

[The Man Who]

North - it might be a good idea to go back to NC for now. It seems to me he's unintentionally messing with your head but nevertheless he is messing with your head and it's the last thing you want right now. You've been doing so well and it's all becoming undone with second guessing and what ifs.

[northpickle]

Thanks Sim and Man, this recent contact has made me lose my way quite a bit, I agree. NC is much easier! I'm back to being a nervous wreck again, not good.

 

Right, I'm not going to reply to that, whatever it means. I'm going to make myself a fabulous lunch

[Moneypenny]

Don't make the mistake of labeling these men as commitment-phobes.

 

Why not? All men and women suffer with 'commitment issues' at some point in their lives, sometimes occasionally , and sometimes, forever more. If you can't give someone a straight answer - you are being 'non-committal' (for whatever reason or excuse). In relationships, we think that it's okay for people to hang around until we decide the time is right for things to progress. In business, is this acceptable? No. I think pretty much that everything we do in our lives is similar in one way or the other.