northpickle Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 hey north, glad ur lunch went well, as u can see from my last post i caved the NC but it all worked out for the best in the long run. wow i dont know how u handled the akwardness, its nasty seeing that they have been suffering as much as us but also let us know that they care and we mean something to them i suppose Hey, I'm just popping out to pick up the little one, then I'll catch up with your news Why do you prefer to avoid confrontations? That's a very good question, it's an in-built personality issue. I have always, since being a child, disliked confrontation. It makes me feel horrendous and uncomfortable, so I avoid it. Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Confrontations don't have to be aggressive although the connotations imply it. You can bring issues up in a non-threatening or no-argumentative manner. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Confrontations don't have to be aggressive although the connotations imply it. You can bring issues up in a non-threatening or no-argumentative manner. That's something I need to learn definitely, if something small bugs me I'll sit and mull it over and try to brush it off as not important, rather than make a fuss. Then it all builds up. He's actually quite similar but he's more likely to mention something first, then I'll take it personally and get upset or defensive. Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Yes, but look at the words you are using 'confontation', 'make a fuss', 'get upset', 'defensive'. All of these show a mindset that a disagreement or issue can only be resolved with emotion and drama. But that is not necessary, there are better ways to approach issues than that. e.g. "You are a bad boyfriend because you didn't call to say you were going to be late. Yah Boo!!" versus "Please let me know if you are going to be late so I don't get worried" Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Yes, but look at the words you are using 'confontation', 'make a fuss', 'get upset', 'defensive'. All of these show a mindset that a disagreement or issue can only be resolved with emotion and drama. But that is not necessary, there are better ways to approach issues than that. e.g. "You are a bad boyfriend because you didn't call to say you were going to be late. Yah Boo!!" versus "Please let me know if you are going to be late so I don't get worried" Hey, funnily enough I would be more likely to say the latter rather than the former. I think I need to a) learn to relax and not be as anxious about things (this was brought up earlier in the thread) and b) if something DOES upset me, mention it straight away in a conversational manner rather than mull it over Link to comment
DN Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 Remember tone and body language are at least as important as the words you use. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 Saw him again last night. There was a gig I really wanted to go to and I knew he was going to be there with some of our mutual friends, and after having seeing him earlier in the day for the first time since our BU I was comfortable with seeing him. I wasn't actually expecting to spend as much time with him as I did! He came straight over to find me when he walked in, we were talking most of the night (just general fun conversation), standing next to each other (but no physical contact) a lot of the time too. I wasn't making an effort to do this but I guess it was just natural for us both. A few people asked about our break up, said they were sorry to hear about it, what a great couple we were, I just said we were working on things. We all went to a bar afterwards, a group of about 6 of us, me and the ex walking together ahead of the crowd (again, not consciously) chatting and laughing. We have a couple more drinks, more fun and laughter with friends and him (I did karaoke, hahaha!) and that's when it got hard, I knew it was time to go home and I would have to go home without him. That's the hardest part. It was almost like we had shared a night out like we always did as a couple, just without the physicality, without his arm around me. I said something like "We're not going home together, are we?" He looked sad, stroked his hand down my back and said "I'm sorry, no". And I just left and went home. When I got back I sent him a email saying I had got home safely and I understood about the not going home together part (maybe I shouldn't have done this? But it's done now, sigh) and to have a wonderful birthday. It's his birthday today. So, that's it I guess for now. Not sure when I'll hear from him again. We really did have a wonderful evening, it's just the end bit which sucks, which I knew it would. I just want to be back in the place where he takes me home again, does that sound stupid? Not purely for the sex, but for the physical closeness again. I know it's far too soon, we need time and to talk more, but it still makes me sad. He's very much a man who regards sex as a part of a committed relationship only, not as a hobby! I'm the same but I feel like I've lost something special that is obviously still there between us. It's hard to describe, we were so physically close to each other last night, as close as two people could be without touching, like one of us was constantly fighting not to touch each other in any way. Very strange. Onwards and upwards, I guess. This is so blinking hard! Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 hey north i think this is great...u guys had a fantastic night together, that is progress, remember its early days and its for the best that u didnt go home together, that too in time will come...look at it this way a few days ago could u even imagine being in the same room together and being able to handle it...u have come so far and i'm proud that u have the self control that u have...i know a lot of ppl that wudnt be able to control themselves the way u have...its so great to read that u have handled this so well dont be so hard on urself, remember take things slow, its natural to want things to go bak to how they were with all the intimacy and stuff but remember theres a reason ur in the place u r right now and taking it slow is def the way forward...it will make being intimate all the more special it is really hard but u r doing really well....keep up the great work...u will get there Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 Thank you, in my heart of hearts I wished I had just said to him "Thanks for a great night, I'm going to get off home now, catch you later" rather than ask if we were going to go home together. The night had gone so unbelievably well I couldn't resist asking the question! God, I wanted him so badly! But yeah, can't be too hard on myself, you're right. Thank you. I didn't make a scene or anything (considering I'd had quite a few drinks I did quite well!) And I rocked the karaoke, haha! Got quite a few compliments, although I think people were being overly kind And you're right, this time last week I was sat shaking in a pub corner with a friend terrified that I would see him! I've made a lot of progress. I've reached a calmer point, I know how he feels but we have to make changes, keep being honest with each other, give each other space and see what happens. It's hard to be patient when you want something so badly but we're not in the position to be together yet. It was just like we were a couple last night. It was really REALLY weird. He is like a drug! Gah! I'm not going to contact him though. Time time time. Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 dont let it get to u north...u had a great nite...a few drinks and u took a shot and asked...u shud really be greatful that u had the strength to stop urself begging..i know i wud have been begging after a few drinks lol i think he probably wanted u as bad as u wanted him...emotionally u are both still connected so easy to fall into the pattern of acting like bf & gf...u shud be proud of urself...ur doing really really well resisting ur instincts i know how hard that can be...i feel so weak at times lol its not him thats the drug...love is the drug remember that it will help u Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 dont let it get to u north...u had a great nite...a few drinks and u took a shot and asked...u shud really be greatful that u had the strength to stop urself begging..i know i wud have been begging after a few drinks lol i think he probably wanted u as bad as u wanted him...emotionally u are both still connected so easy to fall into the pattern of acting like bf & gf...u shud be proud of urself...ur doing really really well resisting ur instincts i know how hard that can be...i feel so weak at times lol its not him thats the drug...love is the drug remember that it will help u Thank you I completely agree that going home together would have been a bad idea, in hindsight. It was just too much temptation, and I don't feel rejected that he said "no", funnily enough. I love how he respects both me and himself to realise that it would be a bad idea. I knew he was going to say no anyway, I just couldn't resist! If you don't ask you don't get! I'm going to spend the day relaxing, playing online. Probably posting on here a lot! I think I did pretty well and yeah, I wished I hadn't asked the question, but I handled it pretty OK I think. Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Thank you I completely agree that going home together would have been a bad idea, in hindsight. It was just too much temptation, and I don't feel rejected that he said "no", funnily enough. I love how he respects both me and himself to realise that it would be a bad idea. I knew he was going to say no anyway, I just couldn't resist! If you don't ask you don't get! I'm going to spend the day relaxing, playing online. Probably posting on here a lot! I think I did pretty well and yeah, I wished I hadn't asked the question, but I handled it pretty OK I think. u have handled it really really well u shud be proud of urself..i know wat u mean about asking even tho u know ur gonna be rejected we've all been guilty of that lol Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 Thank you This thread must read like a bad Mills and Boon novel. Ha! Link to comment
feellikeafool Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Thank you This thread must read like a bad Mills and Boon novel. Ha! lol were all going thru the same thing....i remember thinking i was the only one i the world feeling wat i was feeling before i found this forum...its given me so much strength for me Link to comment
DN Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 I think you did well too. Good luck - I hope things turn out well for you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 I'm rooting for you girl. Well done. You are doing really well. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 lol were all going thru the same thing....i remember thinking i was the only one i the world feeling wat i was feeling before i found this forum...its given me so much strength for me I think you did well too. Good luck - I hope things turn out well for you. I'm rooting for you girl. Well done. You are doing really well. Thank you all very very much I feel like I'm moving on, in a weird way. The 19 days of NC were horrible, to be honest. But I've got answers, I know the score now. I just have to keep my cool, I suppose. There is a lot of talk of self-improvement on ENA and I now feel in a position to start working on this. I can move forward! I suppose I've always had the mindset that if two people are meant to be together, then it will just click. That's not really the case. We click in the biggest way, and we are so similar it's frightening. As people were saying last night, it is like we were made for each other. But I need to step back. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 Just had a couple of hours nap on the sofa, very lazy! I woke up to a email from him, he said he tried to catch me up when I left last night but I was too far ahead. I've replied and said that it was for the best to let me go and for him to enjoy today whatever he is up to (it's his birthday). I'd love to able to share his birthday. Never mind. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 2am, wide awake. Just about to go and lie down again. Part of me feels better but another part wishes this wasn't happening. I miss not sharing his life. I miss not being the first person he turns to tell me his news. Just re-read the message he sent me earlier, about trying to catch me up. He thanked me for letting him know I was home safe and thanked me for coming out for the night. Link to comment
DN Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Don't reply to that message. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Don't reply to that message. I already did! Bah! I'm so soft when it comes to him, I hate to think he ran after me but I was a long way ahead to catch up and make it too dramatic. If he had something else to say, whatever it was, it wouldn't have been a good time to say much anyway. I just said it was for the best to let me go and to enjoy his birthday. I sincerely hope he has had a wonderful day, I just feel sad that I can't share it with him. Link to comment
DN Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 OK - well not to worry, it's not that big a deal (about the message, I mean). How do you see your future - next few days, next few months and next few years? Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 OK - well not to worry, it's not that big a deal (about the message, I mean). How do you see your future - next few days, next few months and next few years? Next few days - I need to snap out of this. I need to get my sensible head back on, look after myself better and calm down. Next few months - I need to jump right back into life, I want to learn to drive so I'm going to apply for my provisional driving license, I also need to chase up a voluntary job (I got the placement back in June but still waiting for my police check to come back clean, I know it is, but it seems to have got lost in the system or something!) Years? I would love to settle down, have another child, be back at work. Link to comment
DN Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Good - now you have an action plan. Go to it. Link to comment
northpickle Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Will do! I'm not sure what happened, it's like a lot of my world stopped a few weeks before the BU and I've been in limbo every since. Before then I was doing well, always had things to do, stuff going on in my life that was nothing to do with the ex, if you see what I mean. I've been lost for weeks, surviving, not living! This was the behaviour that ultimately led him to ending the relationship and I understand that now. But I also know now that he thinks he handled things badly himself and that he made mistakes too. We should have had that talk before we broke up, not after! But I have to move on, it's weird to think that he is still in my life, kind of. But we're not together. Link to comment
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