DN Posted December 21, 2011 Share Posted December 21, 2011 I think you should assume that his relationship will last, that he is happy and that he will not be coming back to you. I do not recommend living in some fantasy conjured up by wishful thinking or by people who can't possibly know what is in his mind or his heart - that cannot possibly serve you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted December 22, 2011 Share Posted December 22, 2011 I've just seen something I didn't want to. I'm deactivating Facebook. What did you see? Link to comment
northpickle Posted December 22, 2011 Author Share Posted December 22, 2011 What did you see? As above, another loved up photo of them cuddled up together next to a beautiful lake in the sunset. On public view. It's like I can't escape. when my ex and I broke up, even though we had shared friends, I deleted those shared friends, or at least hid them so I wouldn't be able to see any posts related to him. a few months back, I sent an email to one that i deleted and apologized for having to do so, it wasn't personal, it was just best for me. She totally understood. Your sanity is more important that facebook and any "friendship" on there. Agreed. Hmmmmm. I personally think he's trying too hard. My prediction is, hand on heart, he'll try to win you back in about six months time, telling you losing you was the biggest mistake ever. And of course, by then, you'll have totally moved on! Actually, to be honest, I read your thread, and I can see that you are moving on with each day. You get these blips, and it hurts like crazy, but each time the low isn't as low, and you recover faster and faster. So, just don't go on Facebook for ages. Focus on having a fab time with your daughter and family over the holiday season, and relish the fact that you have done all this work towards healing so your heart will soon be ready to meet someone who will love and be loved by you as you truly deserve! He is definitely tying to prove something to himself. Seriously, my ex did the same, and it's pretty sad. I have plenty of friends who are in loving relationships and you wouldn't know it from there online profile. Why? Because they are to busy living there lives to demonstrate it on Facebook. People who need to post a pic of them and someone as their profile pic are sad! Hun, get off Facebook! It will only cause you pain. I deleted my account, totally, not deactivated. You don't need it. Those people who care, you can call them, or email them, or text them, or meet them for coffee. The others can go hang. You're right. I doubt he'll ever come back and I don't want him back. I suppose what hurts the most is that he went from wanting to see me and stay in touch and then out of the blue cut me off - and I allowed that to happen. I took the risk I suppose. I just really don't want to know what is going on in his life but sometimes I can't seem to avoid it. I've not only lost my partner but a good friend, most of my social life and support network - because he was connected to that before we got together. I did take risks becoming his girlfriend but I guess that added to the excitement of getting together in the first place - and also that it was "fate" and all that! I think you should assume that his relationship will last, that he is happy and that he will not be coming back to you. I do not recommend living in some fantasy conjured up by wishful thinking or by people who can't possibly know what is in his mind or his heart - that cannot possibly serve you. Yeah, thing is, I don't want him to come back. I want him to disappear. But I miss him in my life at the same time...I want to get out of this victim mindset - the negative thoughts are lessening but from time to time the usual thoughts creep in. "he obviously didn't love me like he loves this new girl" "this is karma punishing me for jumping in and falling in love so quickly, now it's happening to him" "how can he jump into something so heavy so quickly? Or was it quickly, had he known her for a while?" I'm trying no banish these thoughts, I'm moving on pretty well but it still hurts. It really does. And still no parking pass back from him. He probably just deleted the email I sent 10 days ago. That hurts as I obviously won't contact him ever again. I thought I was doing the grown-up thing. Now I feel silly I suppose what I'm struggling with now - as I'm generally doing OK - is where to actually put him, put the relationship and all that has happened, where to put it in my head. There seems no clear place - I'm trying to let go with nothing but grace and love but that's hard when I know he's with someone else (and messed me around, perhaps unintentionally after breaking up) for some reason. But I don't want to be twisted and angry about that either. It's not my style and wouldn't help. Plus I can't stop worrying that he dislikes me in some way, by not sending my pass I requested. I just want to forget about him. Link to comment
professorplum Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Pickle, Hope you are doing ok. I was hoping you were out and about tonight enjoying yourself. Sad to see you on here tbh. Wishing you well for the coming months. Link to comment
northpickle Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 Hi Prof Hey, I'm OK you know, thanks for the shout out and to know you were thinking about me - I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself. I'll just copy and paste what I wrote on another thread... Tonight, I want to be alone and reflect. I'm not sad really. I know what I need to do to move on. Yes, I've had the "this time last year" thoughts (we had an amazing night out at a comedy club, dancing, kissing at midnight etc) and he'll probably be doing something similar with his new lady tonight. Nothing I can do about that...it's hard of course. I can't deny that. But what has happened has happened. I did get a bit sad earlier when I realised that I won't be getting a New Year wish from him. I wasn't expecting an Xmas one either (after he said he couldn't be in touch) but I suppose after not getting one on Christmas Day, I certainly won't hear from him tonight. It still hurts that he said he couldn't be in touch, we were great friends and despite the communication problems, we didn't ever really fall out seriously, y'know? There was never any great drama or upset. It's a bit of a bruise to the ego I suppose and I do miss him still, in any way shape or form. As a lover and as a friend. BUT I'm OK, I honestly am. My quoted post shows where I am tonight. I want to thank again everyone who has helped me these past 4 months, I don't know what I would have done without you guys May you all have a blessed New Year xxx Link to comment
professorplum Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 It all sounds quite positive given the history of what has happened. Spend time thinking about your resolutions and good luck with them helping to change your life for the better next year. You sound reflective and calm rather than depressed. I know what you mean about hearing from them (or not). I had a Christmas present and a text on Xmas Day. I think it is less likely I shall have a New Year message but have taken no chances about being disappointed or sad etc and switched off my mobile yesterday morning and will not use it again until the middle of next week. I work with the person concerned but not in the same room so it is possible to avoid them if you are careful. I shall be pleased to get back to a normal routine. Take care. Link to comment
northpickle Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 It's very much still swings and roundabouts with my feelings! But yes, I am calm and reflective right now, with obvious sadness, but I'm generally OK. I went out last night instead of tonight, and I pulled a bloke (I guess I was trying too hard to be nonchalant, upbeat and friendly) and he went to kiss me and I started crying! He didn't ask for my number, haha I feel like a right idiot now! But in a way that helped, it made me reflect on myself. As I said above, the person I am and was when I started dating the ex isn't what I want to be. It makes me wonder too if he himself isn't all that emotionally healthy - the "like attracts like" theory? Although I would say he just closes off emotionally whereas I don't...not sure... And yes, it's hard not hearing from someone you hold dear. Although I know it's best not to be in touch with him, sometimes silence is hard. I don't know if or when he ever thinks of me. How much or how little I meant. Whether I'll ever hear from him again after 3 and a half years of being friends and lovers... He has just completely shut the door. Link to comment
northpickle Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 Hi everyone I just wanted to make one last update on here, and to thank again everyone that helped me through possibly the toughest experiences of my life. I went through pure heartbreak, not only through my ex ending our relationship in September but also the illness and then the unfortunate death of my granddad last month. I tried my hardest to stay strong and goodness knows, looking back, how I did it at times. A lot of it I think had to do with the advice and company on eNA. I've learned a lot through this experience and continue to learn every day. The last thing I heard from my ex remains the email he sent me over 2 months ago staying he couldn't be in touch. And I want it to stay that way. The hurt cannot hurt me any more. It doesn't hurt to think of "the good times" now, in fact I rarely do. When I picture his face now it just seems like a stranger who really didn't give me the love and respect I deserve, both during and after the relationship. As for me, I'm doing great! My little girl is healthy and happy. Work is fantastic and I've applied (with a lot of encouragement from senior colleagues) for a management position! I have lots in life to get stuck into including... I have met somebody new Only had a couple of dates, but yesterday evening was spent mainly horizontal on my sofa (not like that!) but just cuddling, watching TV, a film, playing games and chatting. He is warm, very thoughtful, not aloof like my ex. I could be myself around him and will continue to be, no more stepping on eggshells! The thought of him makes me smile quite a lot But I'm just taking control, taking it slow and just concentrating on having fun and seeing what happens and we are both more than happy with this. So thank you all once again! I'm not leaving eNA or anything, I'll certainly be here for dating advice and helping others hopefully. I just wanted to basically sign off this chapter of my life as I enter a new one xx Link to comment
learning2relax Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Congrats girl! Wonderful news. So nice to be in a better place, isn't it? Great update on the job and family. Remember to enjoy the relationship and live in the present. You are doing wonderfully! Good for you! Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I'm really happy for you north! Link to comment
professorplum Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 This is great news. Early days obviously but I hope this works out for you. How did you meet? Link to comment
northpickle Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 Thanks all I REALLY want to take this slow. We met last weekend, I was out with some friends and he was out with his in a nightclub, we were sat on tables next to each other and the two groups of us kind of converged and were chatting with each other, never met him before...I got talking to him and...the rest is history! I just don't want to rush into anything and I just want to have fun, but exclusive fun, if you see what I mean. I'm not one for multiple dating by choice. I can tell he's a bit smitten but I've explained where I stand, and I really think this could go somewhere possibly When I met him last weekend, I was a bit knocked for 6, I mean I wasn't obviously looking for anyone whereas he has said he has been single for a year, and is on a dating website etc although he wasn't having much luck. That's the thing, he's completely open and honest with me about anything and I'm just getting to know him, I feel completely comfortable with him already. Eggshell free zone. We had lunch on Tuesday and had Saturday evening together. He's at work next weekend however so next proper date might be two weeks time, we might be able to sort out another evening in this week though. He's a bit of a catch But like I say I'm not rushing anything at all, nor do I want to. Link to comment
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