Moving On To Better Times

[northpickle]

Just had another look - he's left the first picture taken of us as a couple tagged, and then the very last, everything inbetween he has untagged...not sure whether that's significant

 

I think you should keep repeating to yourself that you deserve someone who loves you and wants to commit to you.

 

I think this is a great idea - thanks! It's a process of releasing from my mind that he was the one for me, I genuinely thought that at times BUT not all the time - that's the important thing now. If he was the one for me he wouldn't have left.

 

Aw Pickle

Sucks but he's done you a favour without realising, hurts like heck but he's now made it impossible for you to break NC which is what you want and need. I'd personally regain control and detag or remove that last picture of the pair of you. not a childish action but regaining yourself. If you ever did get back together then that photo would be a constant reminder of 'we were happy then he dumped me' and not a moving into a new phase picture. But having it there now must feel like that cold dagger in your stomach when you catch it. You aren't 'Northpickle the dumped woman ex of ****', you are 'Northpickle, great woman and mother to a fantastic child'. Now get concentrating on the nativity outfit for december!

 

Haha! Thanks! I might detag but I'll leave it a while, don't want to seem too pedantic - the last one of us is on a mutual friend's page so I could detag but not remove. The first one of us "together" (there are loads more before that but when we were just friends) is one of my photos so could remove it. It was at that wedding he whisked me away to right at the start of the RL that I mentioned a while back in this thread. It's a lovely photo as well

 

I'll just carry on regardless and pretend I haven't noticed in the real world...Keep smiling northpickle!

[winniethepooh]

Just had another look - he's left the first picture taken of us as a couple tagged, and then the very last, everything inbetween he has untagged...not sure whether that's significant

Why are you looking? This Facebook thing sounds like a nightmare for you

 

You will read meaning into every little thing, and have no idea how accurate or inaccurate those meanings are

 

I looked at my ex's profile a few times after we broke up, all it did was make me feel worse, especially when I saw new connections with other men.

[winniethepooh]

And because he wants to stay in touch, but the ball is very much in my court with regards to contact,

You're saying that because he still wants to be friends? Then I guess, yes it is in your court. But the relationship is over - he made that clear. You now have to go and rest and recover before you can think about a friendship. Leave the ball in the court where it is.

 

but I'm leaving it alone because I still love him - argh! I'm pretty bright and he knows that I'll know what he has done. Maybe he's after a reaction because I've not been in touch? Who knows?

Maybe he knows, maybe not. Maybe he's trying to prompt a reaction. Maybe not. But if he is, then it's all games. Leave him alone on the court with his bat and ball to play by himself. Go and heal yourself. Delete all that Facebook stuff if you're going to be tempted to look at it and analyse it like this.

 

You have to figure out what you can cope with and what you can't in terms of deleting phone numbers and so on. But you do have to focus on moving on and letting go.

 

I was doing so well too And now I'm upset all over again. I thought he would have done this earlier if he was going to do it, it's been nearly 12 weeks since we split up. Why now?

Yeah, it's horribly difficult because although it's been 3 months since you split, it's only been a couple of weeks since you properly disconnected. That hope you had before that wasn't diminishing. Now it has to for you to feel better.

 

but knowing him so well, he's not a petty person in that sense. He keeps himself to himself on social networking sites. So for him to actively sit down on a mission and do that, it stings a bit. After all this time too.

He's not himself right now, and it will be painful for you to see whatever he does to try and cope. So don't watch.

 

Do whatever you gotta do but focus on moving forwards, not backwards. Keep going

[northpickle]

You're right winnie, I shouldn't look. I can't see anything he posts anyway but there are so many photos I can't do anything about, as they belong to mutual friends...maybe I should deactivate FB again for a while. I shall have a think about that.

 

And looking at it logically, I did all the unfriending and blocking at first, and removed all the connections I had to him ages ago, Google Plus deleted, MSN, Skype, Spotify, got rid of any profile pictures featuring both of us, deleted his numbers from my phone. The only things I kept are all our old emails in a separate file (which I don't look at) and all the photos in specific albums (which again I wasn't looking at until I noticed something odd afoot!) because they are happy memories, or will be one day at least. So what he's done is similar I suppose. It was just a bit of a nasty shock which I didn't need. The blocking hurts more actually, I'm not sure why.

[northpickle]

And because he wants to stay in touch, but the ball is very much in my court with regards to contact, but I'm leaving it alone because I still love him - argh! I'm pretty bright and he knows that I'll know what he has done. Maybe he's after a reaction because I've not been in touch? Who knows?

 

I was quite upset and over-analysing things when I wrote this yesterday. You're right Winnie, who cares whether he meant me to notice or not. Probably didn't do it in a mean way, it's just what he needed to do.

 

He's doing what he needs to do to cope, and so am I. I just wished I hadn't noticed it but I'm feeling much less bothered by it now. He ran away, then messed me around and I'M the important one

[winniethepooh]

He ran away, then messed me around and I'M the important one

Yes, exactly. And your daughter is way more important than him also

[northpickle]

And your daughter is way more important than him also

 

Never a truer word said Thank you. See, that's it and I've known this all along, I already have complete unconditional love in my life from my little one and I'm so very grateful for that. He just added that something extra special to my life I suppose. But all those feelings I have for him come from within ME. I am capable of truly loving someone and that is a good thing. I just need to find someone who deserves it. I just flaming loved this guy like I have never loved before so it's going to take a while but I will definitely get there

[DN]

A nail in the coffin is a good thing. Soon you will realise that.

[northpickle]

A nail in the coffin is a good thing. Soon you will realise that.

 

I agree with you DN, but I thought I already had enough nails! And to continue the analogy further, the hammering of the nail has caused reverberations to my healing!

 

I've just got to get out of the mindset that everything he does or doesn't do is a direct cause of my actions. I was fine not knowing what he was doing, it was just a horrible little reminder that he is still out there and hurting or angry or upset or whatever. IT DOESN'T MATTER!

[DN]

I think you need to find another and better place to go to in your mind when these thoughts creep in. Create that safe place and go there when you need to.

[northpickle]

I think you need to find another and better place to go to in your mind when these thoughts creep in. Create that safe place and go there when you need to.

 

You're right again! Thank you. I'm not sure whether it was as a direct consequence of reading these words yesterday, but shortly after you wrote this, I went out to an important meeting of my political group. I was sat in quite a big room and feel a bit nervous, a bit twitchy for some reason. There was a speaker and then lots of delegation and voting to be done etc. I was elected to quite an important role for the upcoming year And then we all went for a quick drink afterwards, I had a good chat with everyone and then suddenly, everything didn't seem so bad!

 

I walked home alone, it was dark and crisp (sorry, feeling a bit poetic but it helps to get it off my chest!) and I felt a tiny bit sad that I had no-one special to either come home to or to at least phone up and tell him how well everything had gone. But the important thing was the the sadness was small. Instead I had this really weird "inner calm" - that's the best way I can describe it. A feeling that what will be will be, I will be alright after all this and I do have a life and I do have things going well for me. And I had the best night's sleep I've had since breaking up with my ex. No night waking at all.

 

I can't say that right now I still have that inner calm, but it was a blissful feeling and I now know I have it within me. Sometimes I think I still haven't cried enough, or I still haven't been angry enough, and this hurt I have been going through I wouldn't wish on anyone, and so many people reading this will understand what I mean. But we all have it within ourselves to get through this, so everyone, keep going! 3 months after breaking up, I'm definitely making progress.

[northpickle]

Hello

 

I haven't updated for a while so thought I would give you all a shout and let you know what's going on

 

I'm doing so much better now, got my full appetite back finally, sleeping through the night again (no night waking for over a week), now working 20 hours a week in my new job (which is BRILLIANT by the way!) and overall I'm enjoying life again, have plenty to get stuck into now!

 

But...I still miss him! It's been 34 days NC (I'm not obsessively counting, honestly, I've just been using the NC Challenge thread so I know what day I'm on now). I'm not desperate to contact him or anything but it's still quite hard not being in touch with him, despite knowing that no good would come of it really. I'm not pining for him in that way, but there still feels like there's a gap in my life for some reason? I still feel a little bit bad for saying I couldn't be his friend too...why?!

 

Just having a little moan, I guess! Life is a whole lot rosier but as each day of NC makes me stronger, it's also making me a little more sad. I hope someone can relate to this. Thanks

[superfox]

Pickle! Big loves! Was wondering how you're coping, it's natural to feel like you do but look at what you achieved! X

[northpickle]

Hey superfox

 

Yeah, I am achieving things but goodness, the emptiness is still wavering around. I'm just sat here wondering whether to order a takeaway for myself but it will make me feel so lonely sat here alone with tons of food without him to talk to and share it with, as we used to do...my eyes are filling up thinking about it, daft me, haha!

 

I'm still getting the memory flashbacks but they are a lot less common now, it will just be a little stab in the heart that I'm not expecting and passes relatively quickly.

 

I have a busy day tomorrow so having a quiet night in, so thinking about him more I suppose. I half-wish he would get in touch but at the same time I don't (as any resulting communication may hold me back) yet I don't think he will. Confusion! I just miss him in a weird way now, not in a sobbing, upset "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" way. Just a genuine grief and emptiness, almost like he has died? That may sound awful but I hope you know what I mean

[Ms Darcy]

I am glad you are doing better hon! big hugs.

[northpickle]

I am glad you are doing better hon! big hugs.

 

Thank you lovely Definitely getting somewhere, being the strongest I can be! The love thing hasn't gone yet though!!

[DN]

Keep your mind occupied on other things - it is difficult but do it anyway.

[TessaB]

Pickle...glad to hear you are doing better! Great job! Sounds like we're in similar boats...I'm about 30 days no contact, following the breakup of a 2 year relationship...breakup out of the blue...just didn't have those feelings anymore, according to him. Shocking to me considering he did, or at least he said he did, the week before. No fighting or anything, just came as a surprise. Frustrating! Like you, it seems to be getting better and sadder at the same time. I feel a void as well and intense sadness, but at the same time, not crying as much, doing new things, exercise, reading, etc. I still hold on to a little hope, even though I know it's not healthy to do. It is so difficult.

[northpickle]

Keep your mind occupied on other things - it is difficult but do it anyway.

 

Hi DN - yeah, I'm doing pretty well with that but I suppose it's the evenings, when my daughter is in bed, or the weekends when she's not around that my mind starts to wander!

 

Pickle...glad to hear you are doing better! Great job! Sounds like we're in similar boats...I'm about 30 days no contact, following the breakup of a 2 year relationship...breakup out of the blue...just didn't have those feelings anymore, according to him. Shocking to me considering he did, or at least he said he did, the week before. No fighting or anything, just came as a surprise. Frustrating! Like you, it seems to be getting better and sadder at the same time. I feel a void as well and intense sadness, but at the same time, not crying as much, doing new things, exercise, reading, etc. I still hold on to a little hope, even though I know it's not healthy to do. It is so difficult.

 

Hi Tessa, hope you're doing OK. I'm having a better day today, I do think we are getting somewhere and I'm sure one day the sadness will pass. In fact today I feel a little annoyed towards him!

[TessaB]

Hi DN - yeah, I'm doing pretty well with that but I suppose it's the evenings, when my daughter is in bed, or the weekends when she's not around that my mind starts to wander!

 

 

 

Hi Tessa, hope you're doing OK. I'm having a better day today, I do think we are getting somewhere and I'm sure one day the sadness will pass. In fact today I feel a little annoyed towards him!

 

Thanks...you too! Had a bad day yesterday, in turn, today is better...go figure! But, we have to celebrate the small victories, like a good day....or even a good couple hours in some cases! I think it's good to get annoyed, I kind of like it when I get annoyed or angry, it covers up the sadness for a little while and really makes me think...I'm not crazy, he is and it's his loss. It I can keep that thought in my head, sleep a little better each night and have a few more good days....I think you're right we are getting somewhere!

[northpickle]

I'm in pieces...he's seeing someone else

[superfox]

oh sweetheart, I'm so, so, sorry

[northpickle]

I wasn't expecting it - he was single for years before we got together...there's pictures of their "weekend away" together in the country all over FB. I'm absolutely broken to the core.

[AnnaN]

I'm so sorry... FB is evil in cases like this...

[northpickle]

3 months?! I'm trying to be rational but I couldn't even let anyone near me...I feel so ridiculously stupid that I've been feeling the way I do and he's been nurturing a new relationship, and whisking her away for weekends like he used to do with me. I feel completely chewed up and spat out. Bastard.