northpickle

I've seen some pictures online that show you were stood about 10-20 feet behind me, my daughter and my boyfriend at a public event today. I didn't see you there, did you see us? Looks like the girl you got with just after we broke up wasn't there, are you still with her? I don't know, I think because yesterday was our "getting together" anniversary day (I only realised that a few hours ago) and finding out you were so close to me, despite not having seen you since October, it's a little freaky! Well, we had an ace time! And it's weird seeing a picture of you, even though you're in the background, you still have that focused look on your face, your hand in your pocket and dressed in my favourite colour. I hope you're happy, and I mean that absolutely sincerely, because it's been over 6 months since we've been in touch and I stick to my words, I will never contact you again. I just find it a tad weird that I was having a whooping good time enjoying my new life after you, when you were so close physically to it, and I had no idea. Peace x

I've decided I still like writing to you here, although you're so far away metaphorically. It's therapeutic It still hurts, you leaving me. 99% of my time now, you're not in my thoughts. But I'll get a certain quick sting every now and then, usually related to something ridiculous, like seeing a car the same as yours. Echoes really. I've spent a lot of time with my family today, with it being Easter Sunday. I've had a great day. My boyfriend spent it with me too, and he thanked me for an amazing day, and thanked my family for being so welcoming. And he said one of the highlights was holding my 3 month old baby niece And last night...that blinking Gotye song "Somebody That I Used to Know" (that I'm sure most people here are familiar with!) - my boyfriend and I have kind of adopted it as "our" song even though we're falling in love - he hadn't heard it until I pointed it out to him a few weeks ago. Now he hears it everywhere and it makes him laugh. When I first heard it though, I was still heartbroken over you. I won't tell him that though. I so often wish life was simpler than it is. Maybe my emotions make it more dramatic than most? I'm not sure...I've still got this little hang up over you but I never want to see or speak to you again - because it will hurt too much. But I will never understand why I fell in love with you. It transcends sense. It was something unexplainable. "You think too much" "You're always right" Two things you always used to say to me. I agree with the first but the second? Thanks But with you, I still don't know where I stand with my thoughts...maybe one day it will suddenly become clear but I'm not wasting any more conscious time on it x

Hey. Just felt an urge to write to you tonight. To be truthful, it's been a very weak but wavering urge for a couple of weeks now, but every time I sat with this thread open reading other people's heartbreak, feeling for them, remembering what it's like to be that upset, confused. Having your heart ripped out basically) I couldn't really get my words together. Where are we now then? 7 months after breaking up. 4 months of no contact. I'm over you in the sense that I don't pine for you, miss you, think about what you're doing. I'm with someone else who is a much better match for me in most ways. I'm so much more comfortable around him. It's a much more sexual relationship. He's much more down to earth, he puts me as a priority. And he actively gives a damn about my little girl. The last thing I ever want to do is compare my boyfriend to you, and I don't particularly. I measure things personally, how I feel, what makes me happy. And he does make me happy! He certainly adds something special to my life. I think back to the last few weeks of our relationship, months maybe? How I used to wake up in the middle of the night, lots on my mind, find it hard to get back to sleep, you sleeping with your back to me, and how I didn't want to snuggle up behind you in case you rejected me in some way, or thought I was being "too pushy". Ugh! That's not right, is it? So what was it about you? I don't think I'll ever know that. You didn't treat me badly, you just didn't treat me right. And although I haven't seen you since October and haven't heard from you at all since December, the past few weeks you've skirted around the fringes of my life a little bit. Maybe why that's why I'm writing to you... I saw some photos a friend posted of you online - it didn't hurt one bit however. You were wearing the same favourite tatty outfit you wore all the time, out walking in the country with a mutual friend. Plus another day you approached my friend you barely know for a bit of chit chat whilst she was waiting as a bus stop. We chuckled a bit about that But she didn't mention me and neither did you. So onwards I go with you far, far behind. I don't want to know what you are up to, whether you're still with that girl you started seeing just after we broke up. But if I do hear anything I know it won't hurt. I'm just staying a stranger.

My head is a little bit battered this evening so I thought I would come here to vent it out a bit... A few things have happened this weekend that have made me think of you a little bit, certainly more than I have done for a good few weeks. Friday night I went out with my boyfriend and we had a great time...but an old ex of mine walked into the pub. In fact, I don't call him an ex really, I don't think of him as human, and that is the only person I know who I would speak of like that. That was a bad time of my life in my early twenties, and I'm so glad I'm the strong person I am now would not put up with the abusive rubbish that rat gave me... Anyway, as predicted, he didn't stay long, he came nowhere near me and he can't even look me in the eye now! But him coming in led to a conversation with my boyfriend about our exes, our past relationships and so on...and I talked about you a little bit. I find it weird talking about past boyfriends with a current one, although I agree it's good to know some basics! And I realised how weird it sounded, the way we ended, or moreso what happened after we ended. My boyfriend just looked confused when I told him about you running away, and then cutting me off. He said "Were you pestering him or something?". Ha! When I explained I was doing just the opposite he looked even more confused! Anyway, I ended the conversation there. This is my new life, my new (and much better actually!) times. But the best way I can describe things right now is like I sometimes have little aftershocks. Since that chance sighting of an old ex (who I despise and have done for 7 years or so) on Friday, it has bubbled up some little shudders about you. Not missing you, or loving you, nothing like that at all. It's the blasted hurt! I'm a little bit more sensitive walking around in case I see you in your car. I had a funky dream about you on Saturday night, I can't remember much about it but you were talking about your new girlfriend or something. I am happier now, much more content. But you made a massive impression on my life for reasons I still can't quite understand. I lost control I think. I let you into my life, you happened to me, and then you ran away. That's the best way I can describe it, really really odd.

This is so crazy I have to note it down. My new boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend is the best friend of your best friend's ex girlfriend. Maybe one day I'll write a song about that and the freakish coincidences of this conurbation with a small-town mentality. At least the degree of separation means I don't have to dodge another second-hand news stream about you. You have literally disappeared, and that's the way I want it. But that bag you gave me with my running shoes in it, after we split up, still hangs in the same place you put it 5 months ago. Today, when I think of you, I narrow my eyes. Mainly at my stupidity. I blimming well knew you weren't that into me yet you couldn't / wouldn't let me go for whatever reason. Probably because you didn't want to see me cry. Or maybe there was something more. I will live the rest of my life prepared for never knowing the answer. Perhaps I will never know what that was all about?

Hi, I sat here for a while last night with this page open, but I couldn't really get my thoughts together to write anything. I know what I want to say today though. Again, I'm writing mainly to myself rather than you. And write I must, for today marks the six month milestone, half a year since you ended our relationship. 6 months since we were "a couple", 6 months since that Bank Holiday weekend, the last weekend we spent together which ended in a silly argument and a few days later you sent me the email that confirmed my fears. I now find it quite amusing that you email dumped me. I went through it all these past 6 months... I couldn't eat properly for a while, I had to cram dry bread down my throat as the thought of anything else made me want to be sick. I went through a long period of messed-up sleeping patterns, insomnia, funky dreams. I drank far too much alcohol but I couldn't really get drunk, it numbed me and I thought it helped pass the long lonely nights away. I was probably depressed for some time, my anxiety rocketed, I could think of nothing else but you, us, what had happened, what I did wrong, what I could do to change things...constant intrusive thoughts for a few months. And I never told you any of this. But I've come a long long way...and I'm so proud of where I am today and I virtually did it on my own. What do I think of you now? Not sure...you are definitely off that daft pedestal I put you on! I don't think ill of you, I suppose I'll always love you in some way, but it's weird. I know you didn't truly love me. So in a way my love for you wasn't as it should have been, it was non-reciprocal. I'm with someone new and I'm happy and excited! We have made it our mission to go out, have fun and paint the whole world red! And the important thing was that I was happy before I met him. We haven't been in contact for 3 months or so now. I've been doing well avoiding news about you too, not heard anything for nearly 2 months or so I think. That is definitely the easiest way, although I think I would be more or less indifferent if I was to hear anything. When I went out with my new man last weekend, we went to a pub that we would go to a lot, one of our regular places. I'll admit my heart skipped a beat when I saw a table full of some of our mutual friends...I was a bit worried that you might be there or show up later. But you didn't, no-one mentioned you, and our friends were very lovely with my new boyfriend! Truly moving on is a wonderful feeling, our relationship is now just a distant memory that doesn't really enter my head now. And all those wonderful memories? I realise that most of them were a bit of a sham I'm afraid. I KNEW you didn't really love me. Damn! When I look at a photo of us both today, what do I feel? When I look at your face, I just see the person who wanted to meet up with me after we broke up and ran away. Twice. Twice!! The person who ran away and cut me off. Not the nation's greatest boyfriend but a man who struggles with face-to-face communication. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say I think. I do actually hope your relationship (that is if you're still in one!) is working out for you and that she makes you happy, and that you didn't rush into anything. I hope she loves you like I did. You do deserve happiness and so do I. Just a shame that we couldn't find that happiness together, we weren't such a bad pair! Maybe one day you'll say "hello" to me again. But I am not waiting for that day.

I never thought I would say this but in all seriousness - thank you. For all the heartbreak, the pain and the soul-searching. For you ending our relationship has brought me to a point in my life that I am overwhelmingly happy with. You weren't right for me, I can see that now. Yes, I loved you. I loved you deeply and honestly. But it was never going to last forever, we didn't click right. You never wanted to mesh with me like I did with you. I was never that important to you, was I? And I can say that now without feeling any hurt at all. I let myself be duped by you because I loved you. I never stood up and said what I wanted or needed because I knew you would never give it to me. I will never let myself get into that position again. All the pain I have gone through has made me realise so much about myself. I found myself after the pain has ended and inner-strength and a bit of fate has brought somebody fantastic into my life. And as I enter a new relationship, I couldn't be more optimistic! He adores me, ex, he thinks I'm amazing and he shows it. And although I'm being careful about things, I can feel myself falling for him too. I already know more about him, what he wants and expects and thrives on in a relationship, his past relationships, what makes him happy, what he wants from the future, lots of things. I know more about him already than you ever divulged to me! That's bizarre! And his honesty combined with the knowledge I gained from us about what a relationship shouldn't be like has resulted in my new boyfriend and I forming a quite quick and strong bond. We both agree that it feels like we have known each other a lot longer than we have. Everything clicks. So thank you again, you taught me a lesson in love

Hi Another interesting day, I have a lot going on at the moment. I went for lunch today with the bloke I met on Saturday night. I was a little nervous, my colleagues at work wished me well, and one guy very sweetly said if he had known I was single he would have asked me out! Haha! He's far too young for me but it made me smile a lot Anyway, I had fun, but it was a little weird. When I started "dating" you we had already been mates for a couple of years, so we went straight into relationship mode, we didn't really need to date and get to know each other. So I haven't really had a proper "first date" since 2005 - 7 years ago! I didn't think of you while I was on the date today. My date is lovely, very sweet and complimentary, easy-going, handsome, thoughtful, interested in me and my life and asking me loads of questions. I wouldn't say there were fireworks but there is something undeniably cute there bubbling under the surface. I don't know, I thought I wasn't ready to date and I mulled it over, it just kind of happened. Most of my brain is saying "Go for it! Go out and have fun!" - but a little part still thinks it is too soon. But this guy, although nothing like you, is probably exactly how I'd describe my ideal man on paper. Not that I'm rushing into anything...hmmm... See, I don't miss you now. But I do sometimes think of you but not in a longing way. It's the hurt that's taking a while to shift, because the day you left me I was still madly in love with you and that doesn't disappear overnight. One thing that is strange about my new date is that we have pretty different interests, although there is a bit of overlap. You and me were almost like twins in our likes and dislikes! You know what, I want to do this. I want to meet new people. It makes me feel good to be out there again. I still haven't forgotten the hurt though. But now I know it feels just as good when somebody else looks into my eyes and kisses me. I used to think it never would. Yep, you hurt me big time. And if you and the new date were stood next to each other, and I had to pick just one of you to hug, I wouldn't pick you. Progressville! x

I can't believe I'm typing this, but I've met someone else Argh! He's lovely, incredibly sweet, handsome. And very different from you. My word. He came back to mine last night, we sat up talking for hours and he stayed on the sofa, we kissed but nothing else happened. I can't actually believe this. I enjoyed kissing him! It didn't freak me out! I'll take it very very slow. I'm not sure if I'm ready yet but I shall see what happens. Wow!

Hello! I've had a much better day today, in pretty good spirits. I still have a lot whirling around my head though, but that's OK. I use this thread not just to talk to you, but to myself. This is going to be a bit of a mixed bag but here goes... Ok, so the last 24 hours...I had a read through my original break-up thread last night. It was strange revisiting it, those early weeks after break-up, how you kept your distance but did want to meet up with me, stay in touch, and actually how blinking strong I was through all that. It seems weird now, because I was in such a horrifically bad place, my heart was being ripped from my chest, yet I did remain my composure. The guilt and fear I had...no reason for it. I did the best I could. When I left my phone at work yesterday I used an old spare phone temporarily for the night, I haven't even switched it on for a long time, not since we broke up anyway. I hadn't even thought about it to be honest. And yep, there were a few texts on there from you, so I deleted the whole inbox straight away! And your numbers are in there too, the numbers I'd long deleted from my main phone and forgotten. So I had to delete them too. Strange what we have to do. Not that I've even phoned you since you broke up with me, and I'm far from tempted now! But remove all risks is my motto. I applied for a job today too, the place where I'm working as a volunteer has a full time paid position available...I wasn't going to apply as I didn't really think I had enough experience but some of my colleagues really convinced me that I should give it a go and that they think I would be brilliant. These are senior colleagues too, people that have worked there over 10 years whereas I've only been there a couple of months. I've actually got a lump in my throat thinking that people who don't know me that well have such amazing belief in me...and I know you had belief in me too. Well, I'm acting on it. I've applied. We shall see what happens, even to get an interview would be a massive boost. I've pretty much gone through hell sweetheart. And I'm still not quite out the other side but the light is getting brighter. I know you're not a demon but you really took the biscuit. This is just a rambling post, I know. And as much as not being in touch with you is helping me, I think you did it in a selfish, cowardly and shoddy way, because as soon as you found a new lass you had the ego-boost you needed to cut me off. I think you might have some regrets about that, not ending the relationship, I mean, I know it wasn't working. But you basically treated your best friend, who drove you crazy with lust (or used to) and who you could talk about anything to, you treated me like rubbish because a new girl came along. That's NOT the man I knew...very confusing. You would never even look at other girls or say anything vaguely complimentary about other girls, not even celebrities, and not even in a light-hearted way. Anyway, I'm not particularly coherent tonight, I'm pretty happy today but just wanted to jot some stuff down. You might be on that romantic city break with the new girl this weekend? I think it was about this date, not sure, don't want to know really. Pah! You're trying too hard...seriously. Funny it's a city that I always wanted to go to, I'm sure that's just a coincidence though. Do I miss you? A bit yeah, but I'm quite OK. Do I love you? Yep, but again, I'm OK. I'm definitely OK. xxx

I've had the worst 24 hours I've had for a while, although right this second I'm not too bad. I got really upset last night for some reason, nothing specific triggered it off, but I got very worked up about everything. I woke up this morning exhausted, dragged myself out of bed, took my little one to school and I had to fight that awful lump in my throat. I made myself go to work and it was a welcome distraction, although I had little to no concentration and energy. I yawned a lot! And I left my mobile phone there today too...no great disaster but that's not really like me, I'm usually a lot more switched on. And when I came home, the raging thoughts started again. I got upset that the last time you hugged me was in September (the first time we met up after breaking up) and if I had known that then, that it was the last hug, then I wouldn't have let you go I'm angry at you at the way you cut me off, and I'm angry at myself for so many reasons. When I went to pick my daughter up from school I looked accross the playing field and a stupid "What if?" scene, of you running accross the school yard to throw your arms around me and to say you're sorry, entered my very fragile head. Ridiculous! As if that would happen! But my mind still conjures up the strangest things from time to time... I suppose it's just bizarre that you, the source of my pain, isn't even in my life any more but continues to affect it so much. No contact for 2 months now since you said you can't be in touch. Strange choice of words but I have respected that. You blocked me on FB, I deleted your phone numbers long ago. How awfully sad it came to this when there was quite obviously a lot of love there, although I think my love was stronger. But this was YOUR choice. You chose to break things off and jump straight into a new relationship. I have chosen to take my time, feel everything I do and not punish myself for loving you and dealing with the fallout that has arisen from the end of our time together. I am truly saddened by all this. I'm not perfect but I did my best for you at all times, I loved, honoured and respected you, went out of my way for you, never took you for granted, gave you the space you desired...when I look back I don't think there is much I would have or could have done differently. I sometimes wish I could talk to you in person again, but I'm not sure if or when that will happen, and I will never initiate contact with you again. Do you miss me? I hope so. In fact I hope the decision you made to enter a new relationship makes you realise what you have lost. Me. She is not me. And even if you didn't want to be with me forever, there is no denying what we had, the bond, chemistry, understanding and friendship. Wheeling in a replacement might backfire, sweetheart. I think it's this week you go on your romantic trip abroad as well, isn't it? Have fun, and as you walk around the art galleries as we used to do on our days out, think of me once, because however much your new girl appreciates you, I can safely say I once felt one hundred times stronger.

Trust you to break up with me on the first of the month! It makes the milestones less easy to forget, at least for now. So yep, it's almost the 1st of February, which makes it 5 months since you broke up with me. You know what, as much as I'm moving on, and thinking of you less and less, and when I do it doesn't really hurt all that much now...I still think of us a lot. As a few people above me have said, Musical and Gerda especially, what the hell happened?! What was going on? How could we not really fall out, how could you stutter around and how could you move on that quickly to a new relationship? When I first came to eNA, which I luckily found only 2 days after you ended our relationship, I probably thought what a lot of people do. "He's different", "He wants to still talk to me because he's unsure" "He would never rebound"...I was oh so wrong... You're just a human being with faults and weaknesses like everybody else. Not an uber-God on a pedestal which I grandly put you upon. But I only put you there because I thought you deserved it, I thought you were the bees knees and all, y'know? And you did and still do tick most of the boxes that make me respect someone, but it went a bit further with you. I fell in love with you. I've been doing really well but I just need a little cry again tonight. I'm going to listen to some music now. I do actually think you have replaced me, I don't think you could have moved on that quickly, not that it matters but it fricking hurts...either way it hurts. And going back to the milestone thing, the last time (and only second time) you told me you loved me was the day Amy Winehouse died, a month before we split up, so I'm not likely to forget that in a hurry either. God, even when I'm making so much progress I still have these moments of mad lump-in-the-throat melancholy. When I think I've cried my last tear a few more manage to sneak out a few days later. I'm upset again so I'll say goodnight.

I've had an interesting weekend. The guy friend came to visit me again for weekend number 2. And it was so much better than last weekend. I was much more relaxed, at least most of the time. He's still a little bit too clingy, which is interesting to me, it makes me understand how stressful it is having somebody around who is a tad bit needy. I never meant to be like that with you. This is different though, this is a friend who I am just getting to know. We had a 2 year friendship and then a relationship (instigated by you!). And I wasn't that needy really, it just makes me sad that you may have felt that uneasy around me. I really hope not. But yes, I had some fun times this weekend and didn't really think of you much or compare my new social life to the times when you were part of it. But now it's Sunday night, it's all calm and quiet, I'm thinking about you a bit again. If there was a "getting over you" progress bar, I think I'm around 75% today. I can sit here right now and consciously think of our happy times and...I'm OK with it. I haven't seen you for 3 months now, and we've been apart for 5 months. I'm still a bit uneasy about going certain places in case I see you but I think that is my final hurdle to jump, and that will come in its own time I suppose. There's still a little part of me that would give you a few quid for one more cuddle, our slinky slim bodies seemed to mesh pretty well! Nearly 2 months of NC too...wow... I'm not an ego-boost though. I wouldn't touch you with a 50 foot pole now you're with someone else. I just can't forget that I fell in love with you and because nothing dramatic happened to end the relationship, you just slowly slipped away in front of my eyes, it's taking some time. But I'm getting there. I sometimes think you are the biggest thorn in my side I could ever wish to have known, but you did sweep me away to somewhere I have never been before. You are also a coward. Good luck with your new lass x

Oh! And I've just remembered (after reading my post from yesterday) that I had ANOTHER dream about you last night. It was some kind of party? But you only had a bit part in it. You were sat on the floor near to me talking to some other friends, and telling them that you were going to propose to your new girlfriend on this holiday you have coming up next week. I then aggressively got out of my chair (an office chair on wheels) and at the same time pushed it towards you with a lot of force and it then smacked you in the delicate regions You disappeared from the dream at that point and then it all went a bit weird, cars on fire and all sorts! But yes, I think that's an improvement dreamwise

I went to a training day in another city today, I was up very early in the morning, rush rush rush. Met some colleagues at the train station. Chatted away. You were the furthest thing from my mind. But the last time I went to that city, in fact about the last 5 times I have been to that city, was when I was with you. But as we walked to the university, I was pleasantly surprised. It didn't hurt all that much being back there. I saw many certain places that hold memories, the art gallery we visited just before we broke up, the shop where we bought umbrellas to protect us from the summer showers...only a couple of weeks before we broke up? It was a lovely day out, at least I enjoyed myself! But there was almost no pain, in fact I smiled a little bit. And I had a great day today, very interesting. But on the train back home this evening, I felt down again. Maybe because I was tired after a long day. It was cold, dark. Couldn't see much out of the windows and the train seemed to take forever. Going through a particular station hurt as it reminded me of another happy day out with you. Or at least I thought they were happy days out. Who knows what you were thinking? Maybe I'm kidding myself or maybe, as you always used to say, "I always enjoy spending time with you". I hope that is true. Not that it matters now. But yeah, I'm not too bad tonight. I'm doing the right thing by slowly building a new life and the new memories that come with it, although I still have to fight through pain to do it. Just to be next to you was amazing and losing you is a difficult experience, but hopefully I'm doing OK.