Moving On To Better Times

[learning2relax]

I admire your strength in not replying......When I was where you were (in terms of duration of time past the breakup), I would have fallen for the breadcrumbs. It just sets you back.

[DerekJason]

i also admire the not responding, id prob fall for the crumbs right now, but alas, she is not handing me crumbs at all even, just a healthy serving of silence.

[northpickle]

I admire your strength in not replying......When I was where you were (in terms of duration of time past the breakup), I would have fallen for the breadcrumbs. It just sets you back.

 

i also admire the not responding, id prob fall for the crumbs right now, but alas, she is not handing me crumbs at all even, just a healthy serving of silence.

 

Aw, thank you! I can assure you though that it is very difficult, and I wouldn't call myself strong. More like I'm scared. I haven't said to him I want No Contact and I think I need to do this.

 

It's maybe also a power thing. Maybe because he texted me only two days after we last spoke and confirmed face-to-face what he had said via the email dumping the day before. He texted me, so I now have some power over whether I reply or not. I had no power over his decision.

 

I'm in bits but the one thing that makes me angry rather than sad is that he finished it via email. We live a mile from each other, not the other side of the world. That really really hurts

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting at the moment too Derek

[northpickle]

It's now 5am and just woke up, feel I need to type out some words on here then going to try for a bit more sleep.

 

I've let things go a lot in the past few weeks, my appearance, my house, my relationships with friends and associates, all because I knew the inevitable dumping was coming. Because of this, and by not ever raising my differences with the ex, and then letting it spill over 9 days ago on that evening out, that just confirmed to him that splitting up was the right decision. I was being to reliant on him for happiness and then coming out with these issues.

 

I need time for myself right now, get back to how I was feeling six weeks ago and before. I was doing great! I'm not quite sure what happened.

 

I won't forget the way he looked at me one evening over dinner about a month ago. I had never seen such love in his eyes before. Then I went and spoiled things later. Ugh.

 

I need to contact him and say I want "no contact". I'll do this tomorrow, probably by email. But don't want him to read it at work so will wait until the evening. It's going to be horrible not hearing from him, what he's been up to, his opinions, questions and chat. But I don't want to be putting my life on hold waiting for a text, email or whatever. There is still the chance I'll bump into him, due to us living not so far away and the fact that we often go similar places and have many of the same friends. But there's not much I can do about that.

 

I adore him. This hurts so much but I need to get out of this bubble. I have arranged a coffee with a friend on Thursday so have that to look forward to

 

Anyway, just venting really. Need more sleep!

[DerekJason]

I'm sorry that you're hurting at the moment too Derek

 

thanks NP, i have to admit, almost 2.5 mths after the BU, the hopelessness has dissipated a bit. i made the mistake of reaching out like 6 weeks in, and that was a significant set back. So, once you start NC, dont look back.

[learning2relax]

You don't have to tell him that you don't want contact. He will figure that out.

[northpickle]

You don't have to tell him that you don't want contact. He will figure that out.

 

That's very true.

 

I struggled a bit this morning, taking my daughter to school a car drove by, exactly the same make and model as the ex has, and the driver looked similar too. It wasn't him of course, but my heart skipped a beat and then the dull pain set in. Then I cried a bit at the school gates but tried not to let anyone notice. I'm very lucky in that I have my daughter to focus on, so it's not just me feeling sorry for myself all the time.

 

Tonight is going to be hard, that is when we usually meet up on the evening, I would cook some food (he always loved my cooking, strangely enough!) and we would curl up and watch TV. I'd always be so excited when he came over. Urgh urgh urgh

[northpickle]

Had a funny old day, I'm still aware that I'm bubble-wrapping myself, and trying not to do or look at anything that will remind me of him. Yet at the same time that's all I have been thinking about. I have a feeling that I will be a bit more confident going about my usual business tomorrow, and trying to get out of this self-protection shell. I have a few messages from friends to reply to and so on.

 

But not just thinking purely about him and romanticising stuff, but about me as well. What I did wrong but also what he did wrong. I've had a few moments of brief anger towards him too. Only mild and brief. But frustration that he was probably stringing me along for a lot of the time we were together, because he felt guilty about ever hurting me. I'm not sure how true that is.

 

48 hours since he sent the "How are you?" text, I still haven't replied. That's 5 days BU, 4 days NC.

 

I love him madly. But how am I doing?

[northpickle]

Have realised many things today, and many new and old thoughts have come to mind.

 

I'm almost out of my 20's, and have had 3 serious relationships in them (the middle one being of 5 years and producing the best daughter in the world).

 

But every man was a commitment-phobe. The first crashed out when we got our own place (and I mean 2 days before we got the keys, even though we'd be house-sharing for nearly 2 years). The second, after 5 years of co-habiting and with a daughter, didn't want to get married. And the third, the reason I'm here, just couldn't even admit he had feelings for me during 14 months. Or very rarely.

 

Perhaps it's something I'm doing? Thoughts?

[DN]

Don't make the mistake of labeling these men as commitment-phobes.

[northpickle]

Don't make the mistake of labeling these men as commitment-phobes.

 

I know, I don't like labelling really, just trying to get to grips with things...each one was very different in personality. I'm just thinking that I'm always good enough for now, but not forever. And I'm not pushy with these things at all, it takes me a while for someone to win me over.

 

My head is all over the place right now.

[northpickle]

And to add, I finished the middle relationship of five years, we lived together and were the best of friends, but there was nothing else there. So I have been a dumper too

[Tigerfan]

Read through the thread. I can relate to what you are going through. My ex gf also broke up with me for similar reasons- I am a communicator and when things got worse, I wanted to talk it out and find a solution, and she wouldn't speak of what she thought. Her exact words more than once- "I don't feel a need to tell you all of my thoughts. I'm just not that way. I'm not a talker like you." Anyway, hang in there.

 

Also, I like your signature. It could be mine

[learning2relax]

Read through the thread. I can relate to what you are going through. My ex gf also broke up with me for similar reasons- I am a communicator and when things got worse, I wanted to talk it out and find a solution, and she wouldn't speak of what she thought. Her exact words more than once- "I don't feel a need to tell you all of my thoughts. I'm just not that way. I'm not a talker like you." Anyway, hang in there.

 

Also, I like your signature. It could be mine

 

I too was a talker which, just made things worse. When I would feel him getting distant, I would inquire as to what was bothering him. In the end, in one of fits of frustration and anger he told me that I just made him stay in his head too much. The truth was, he put himself there and he analyzed things and perceived a future that was not positive. Thus, the end....with all the cliches. So it is what it is. I guess my lesson from this is to let them be and figure it out. Will it change the outcome? I doubt it. But it wasn't fun being blamed either. Even though I knew full well that it was that illogical and irrational talk that comes with someone that is pulling away.

 

Hang in there....

[northpickle]

Read through the thread. I can relate to what you are going through. My ex gf also broke up with me for similar reasons- I am a communicator and when things got worse, I wanted to talk it out and find a solution, and she wouldn't speak of what she thought. Her exact words more than once- "I don't feel a need to tell you all of my thoughts. I'm just not that way. I'm not a talker like you." Anyway, hang in there.

 

Also, I like your signature. It could be mine

 

Hi, thanks for reading through the thread It does sound like we are in similar situations.

 

The NC is strange for me, it goes against everything I would have normally done, as I truly believe the differences we had are solvable and my personality just tells me to contact him and get him to talk things through. We didn't leave our final contact on a very bad note, there was even a bit of casual chatter although I did do the pleading thing, pleading not just for a reconciliation but for more explanation, or even a timeframe for him to have his thinking time, His almost cold "no" "no" "no"s stopped me quite quickly and I didn't go overboard, I don't think.

 

But finding ENA has made me look at things logically, he said he needed "time to think" and so be it. He has said that once before in the relationship too. It's very hard doing the NC, and I know it will be the last thing he expects of me too. He will have (and probably still is) expected the voicemails and the emails etc.

 

I don't want him to think I'm playing mindgames with him though, by acting this way. I never needed constant reassurance from him. Never. But equally never knowing what he was thinking or feeling was too much for me too. In the last month my mind was so wobbly I was wondering daily anything from "is he about to propose to me?" to "I'm just an inconvenience to him"...

[northpickle]

I too was a talker which, just made things worse. When I would feel him getting distant, I would inquire as to what was bothering him. In the end, in one of fits of frustration and anger he told me that I just made him stay in his head too much. The truth was, he put himself there and he analyzed things and perceived a future that was not positive. Thus, the end....with all the cliches. So it is what it is. I guess my lesson from this is to let them be and figure it out. Will it change the outcome? I doubt it. But it wasn't fun being blamed either. Even though I knew full well that it was that illogical and irrational talk that comes with someone that is pulling away.

 

Hang in there....

 

Thank you Makes we wonder whether we could have ever stayed together, despite the good times (of which there were many), the easy chatter, the kindness towards each other, the huge similarities but enough differences to keep things interesting, and even the chemistry that was still there as we said goodbye

 

Ohhhhh crying again

[northpickle]

Feel rubbish today, spent an hour with a friend and just about to go out and meet another for a coffee.

 

One of our male mutual friends (on FB but mainly in real-life!) has just uploaded a new profile picture on FB. It's of himself and the ex on a night out (so I assume from this weekend). The ex is sweaty, with his eyes closed and licking the friend's bearded face in a jokey drunken manner. I actually have similar pictures of those two myself. I do genuinely feel sick now. I didn't recognise him at first, he has shaved off his 4 week stubble and looks, I dunno, different.

 

Feel very very sick

[northpickle]

Feel chewed up and spat out.

 

Just remembered today I had a folder of all our early email exchanges from the first 6 months, in my old email account, before I changed my email address.

 

Not deleting them yet, still need some triggers to make me cry. Really really cry. Haven't done that yet.

 

What happened to that easy-going, genuine chat? How I felt like a princess and how you waited for me to be ready before we fell into anything?

 

And how intertwined it all was with our friends from the start.

 

I'm not sure how many of our mutual friends know, but not one has contacted me yet.

 

Feel like death

[learning2relax]

Feel chewed up and spat out.

 

Just remembered today I had a folder of all our early email exchanges from the first 6 months, in my old email account, before I changed my email address.

 

Not deleting them yet, still need some triggers to make me cry. Really really cry. Haven't done that yet.

 

What happened to that easy-going, genuine chat? How I felt like a princess and how you waited for me to be ready before we fell into anything?

 

And how intertwined it all was with our friends from the start.

 

I'm not sure how many of our mutual friends know, but not one has contacted me yet.

 

Feel like death

 

May not be a good time to go digging through the memories with where you are at. Allow yourself to grieve, be sad, angry, etc....resistance just slows things down. However, be careful not to go looking for putting yourself through more pain that you need to. You don't have to delete. If you have emails, pics and such on a pc, why not move them on to a memory stick and put it in the box along with other tangible memories (e.g. photos, trinkets, etc...) and in a closet tucked away behind some things so you can't even see the box without digging it out? Food for thought.....

[professorplum]

Yes I would agree. No need to delete them yet but unwise to start reading them again or go looking for them. I have done that myself and although it will consume lots of time, you will come away feeling worse and wondering why it has all gone wrong. The evidence is there in front of you that things should still be good and yet those emails now lie - things have changed. That's how I felt. The only thing reading through all the emails achieves is to prompt more questions and make you feel more sad. You need to wallow, you need to cry and grieve and I guess there is still lots more of that to come but don't make it even harder by looking for further evidence. I would be really careful where you go with FB as well. Such an important part of many people's lives and yet it can be so hurtful and dangerous when you are feeling so fragile. Keep posting because you will eventually get through this.

[northpickle]

Thanks for your replies

 

I didn't read too many of those early emails, they are out of the way to a certain extent and I know that they are there. Maybe I'll delete them, maybe I won't. But yes, right now I'm not going to put myself there. Thank you. I have thrown out already some things that were lying around the house that were reminding me of him, daft things like takeaway menus and so on! I know I have birthday cards, Valentine's cards lying around, but not going to go looking for them.

 

I'm at the 1 week stage now, 8 days after the dumping email and 7 days after last contact and our face-to-face chat. Surprisingly haven't had any strong urges to contact him, which goes to show I'm stronger than I think. And probably the last thing he was expecting too.

 

The FB picture was a shock. Still thinking about disabling my account as I'm over-analysing anything one of our mutual friends will post, I don't want to see anything about what he is up to, and I haven't posted anything since the split either. But I'll make that decision soon, I think.

 

Almost 2 weeks of not sleeping or eating right are taking their toll! I look grey and am pretty wobbly. But emotionally (or at least outwardly) I'm holding together reasonably well. Yes, I'm a wreck inside my own head but I'm not a heap on the floor. Starting to do little things around the house, slowly and surely. And just attempting to eat a little bit of pizza now.

 

I have friends to distract me too, I have an invitation to go out tonight but still haven't decided what to do, I don't want to go out and risk the chance of bumping into him, and I don't want to be sat watching the pub door thinking he might come in. However I don't want to be sat at home on my own miserable when I could be out with a friend. I wouldn't be having the time of my life! But I would have a friendly ear. Hmm, have a good few hours to decide on that one anyway.

 

Have been reflecting a lot on what I think went wrong, and the "end of the end" for me all stems to a particular situation that was ongoing for a couple of weeks around the beginning of last month. I'll post about that later as I would like people's opinions.

 

I'm remembering the last time he ever came to my house for tea, the effort I put into making something fantastic, and he came over, completely exhausted, how he shouted loudly at my cat for sniffing at the cheese (he is normally very easy-going), how we ate and then he just fell asleep on my sofa, and woke up an hour and a half later and went home, with an awkward feeling in the atmosphere. This was around two weeks before the email. But things seemed to be better after that, although that atmosphere still remained.

 

And I'm thinking "I wonder what he is thinking right now?" a lot of the time, although I'm trying not to. I wonder if he's relieved now that I'm no longer his girlfriend, or is he genuinely confused, or did he end up hating me but couldn't ever really say that, because he didn't want to hurt my feelings? How much of what we did together was a lie?

 

But yeah, I'm plodding on. Still haven't accepted things yet, still half waiting for him to get in touch to say something more meaningful than "How are you?" via text. But if he wouldn't talk about things before we split, then why would he start doing so now?

 

Sigh, I love him and this hurts

[northpickle]

Oops, that was a long post! Guess I needed a bit of a rant there!

[northpickle]

Went out last night with a friend, spent a lot of the time in a state of anxiety that he would walk through the door, but he didn't. But I wasn't feeling too bad, I was realising that he wasn't treating me fairly towards the end. He wasn't being himself and neither was I.

 

This morning I'm starting to get the thoughts that I want to contact him. I'm not going to but I'm worrying about it. How the last time I saw him I took all the blame and went away like I was the most pathetic creature on Earth. But I feel very different now.

 

I think today is the first day I'm actually going to miss him, miss his company. Up until now it's just been a big ball of overanalysis for me. But today, I just feel sad and want to hold him

[northpickle]

Going out with a friend for the day, don't know where as everywhere will remind me of you. If only I'd spoken to you properly about all this before it all blew up, maybe we wouldn't be here now. But I was scared to hear "I don't really want you" so I never said anything until it all got on top of me and it all blew up. I feel guilty about ignoring your breadcrumb text. I don't ever want to hurt you.

 

I think today is going to be a tough one

[northpickle]

Back at home after a day out with a friend, had the offer of another night out but going to stay in, post on here and generally try and relax a bit more.

 

Just had a knock at the front door, and I didn't answer it in case it was him. I honestly don't know who it could have been as no-one turns up unannounced at my door. The very rare salesperson perhaps but...it sounded like his knock

 

How silly!